DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK SIX WRAP-UP AND PUNTATHON

It's a Punt Eat Punt World

Every once in a great while, a team steps forward...I think it's two or three steps, and then you swing your leg...right?...and puts themselves into the Doormat Division record books.  Doing this despite their current record (3-3) does not diminish the accomplishment. In the case of the Tennessee Titans, the Basement really isn't that far away, ever. We only have to peel back one or two layers of wallpaper to get to our Titanics pattern.

TITANS 0, RAVEN-POES 21

It's not the 11 sacks, one off the NFL record, that is impressive, even though it's often a coach-sacking offense. It's not the 7 first downs. It's this: 9 Titans possessions, 9 Titans punts. We've been covering the Doormat Division for 8 years, and following the stats for a lot longer than that, and we have never seen every possession in a game end with a punt. No interception, no fumble (though Titanics QB Marcus Mariota tried), no 4th down failure (not even late in the game?).  

That takes skilled determination. The Titanics haven't crossed the goal line in 8 quarters, have lost two straight, and Titans coach Mike Vrabel was pretty verbal in the post-game press conference. Taking full credit for the incredible accomplishment, Vrabel said "you don't have time for any hangovers," clearly meaning they can't celebrate for too long, because they got some icebergs to go hit.  

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 6

NFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Arizona         1-5          82       139       -57
NY Giants     1-5         117      162       -45
*Santa Clara  1-4         118     146       -28

Atlanta          2-4         167      192       -25
Tampa Bay    2-3         141      173      -32
Detroit           2-3         125      137      -12

AFC            W-L        PF        PA      DIFF

Oakland        1-5         110      176       -66
Indy              1-5         152      180       -28
Buffalo         2-4          76        138      -62
Denver          2-4         120      154      -34
Cleveland     2-3-1       128     151      -23

*Santa Clara plays the Packers tonight

RAIDERS 3, SEAHAWKS 27

The Seahawks are not a great team. But the RAIDERS.  Every year, the NFL invites 4 teams out to London for a couple games, and it's never teams that might make the Super Bowl. If you're in London, you're a Doormat rep or you're auditioning to be. The Raiders passed the audition with damp moldy colors, something any Brit can appreciate. The only way to be the worst of the worst is confident totally wrong top-down leadership. 7 years into the (owner) Mark Davis era, the downward spiral, with one season of up, is starting to look like a whirlpool from which the pirate ship Raider Nation will not escape, and why should they? They've got a Moldy Carpet Trophy (the Doormat Division's highest award) to hoist at year's end. They can cart it out to Las Vegas, put the ol' Skull and Crossbones up in some dusty creosote tangled lot, get bit by a scorpion, put their pirate vessel in dry dock, stop showering and let that Moldy Carpet dry out, blowing its spores across the lonely desert.  

What're the odds?  

p.s.  You know, if Al Davis were alive, he'd look terrible, but he would have hired Colin Kaepernick as soon as he was available, if just to thumb his nose at all the other owners.  The NFL misses that. With two rookie tackles watching the world go by, they could really use someone who is already out on the edge by the time the pass rush gets to the backfield. Just sayin'.  

BROWNS 14, CHARGERS 38

The Brownies are keeping it real, 2-3-1, and back in our standings.  Noting that Browns QB Baker Mayfield likes to run around, the Chargers decided to help him out and turn it up to 'run for your life.'  5 sacks, two more interceptions, and a Brownie day at the yard, in Cleveland. The Browns defense shored up its run strategy, getting mowed for 246 rushing yards, and making Philip Rivers look like a level-headed cool cucumber. He's not really green, it's just this old TV.  The tubes come from Russia. Are they listening?

CARDINALS 17, VIKINGS 27

You know it's a tough news day when your worst team in the league is item #4, but what can you do?  It's not flashy, it's just brain-dead. Cardinals accomplish difficult task of making Kirk Cousins signing look good, for one day.

MIAMI 31, BEARS 28 OT

I know this is not a Doormat game, but last year it sure was. Another loony game in the NFL in 2018. And it's mostly ex-Doormats (attempting to leave) leading the charge.

COLTS 34, JETS 42

Like this one!  The Clots are 1-5, yet are averaging 25 points a game. But they're giving up 31, so it's one near miss, blown lead, futile comeback, after another.  They only punted twice!  

BUCS 29, FALCONS 34

Down...down....down... another pirate ship slowly sinks in the harbor.  3 losses in a row gets them back to a losing record, despite 512 yards of offense.  Jameis Winston, Ryan Fitzpatrick, who cares who's back there- just come close.  But, please, no cigars.  Although, the completely hilarious multi-fumble-lateral final play that 'almost' got in the end zone, you gotta give the Bucs some style points.  Big Doormat style points.

BILLS 13, TEXANS 20

12 first downs, 12 penalties, 11 pipers piping, 5 punts-a-punting, TWO -In-ter-cep-tionnnnns!

Bills interception machine QB Nathan Peterman got into the game (one INT for every 8.7 attempts. That's 63 in a season with 550 attempts), finishing off the game with a pick-six with 1:23 left. This came after the Bills had set up the Toxins at the 1-yard line with a pass interference call, but the Toxins refused to move in, kicking a tying field goal, hoping for an overtime loss or something.  But when you've got an interception wizard out on the field, a team just has to be patient with impatience.  Bills 2-4 and in the race.

GIANTS 13, PHILADEPHIA 34

Yes, Eli Manning is still playing football. 

JAGUARS 10, COWBOYS 40

Well!  It's like old Home Week.  The Jags turn back the clock for a day, 10 first downs, scrape up 204 yards of offense and sink back to 3-3.  Two blowout losses in a row, and they could easily lose 3 of the next 4 games.

Tonight!

49ers at Packers

Whiners should get to 1-5 with this one, but I think they may cover the 9-point spread (biggest of the weekend), as this may be their last gasp before giving in and playing out the string.  Packers are not what they once were, but the Whiners have no idea what 'were' is.

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the BASEMENT!!!!

-wacko

DOORMAT WEEK SEVEN WRAP-UP AND INCINERATE

HUGE RE-SHUFFLE!

I have to make this brief this week, there’s a lot to do, and the police should be pulling up shortly and I’d better-  I mean, I have to go to ‘work.’  But we have the space heater keeping us warm for now, one tiny short away from burning down the whole rotting structure, and leaving just the sliding door standing, dog slobber and all. 

In our beloved Doormat Division, where losing is the name of the game, and your own personal football hell turns into hallelujah, there was a bold move in the AFC: the Titanics put on a tombstone of a performance this week, losing 10-7 to Atlanta, and rise to the top of the standings, tied with the Poe-Cravens. 

Here’s the standings, and let’s get to the games.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Kittens        1-6           139 - 200

Whiners      2-5           103 – 180

Bootineers   2-4           140 - 179

daBares       2-4           120 - 179

Deadskins   3-4           148 – 168

Seahags       3-4          154 - 128

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      1-5            119 - 139

Cravens      1-5            143 – 162

Toxins        2-5            154 - 199

Gaguars      2-5            147 - 207

Cheaps        2-5           150 - 172

Chargettes   2-5           165 – 198

STIFF OF THE WEEK

TITANS 7, FALCONS 10

With Titanic QB Marcus Mariotta on the bench with 17 injuries after 6-game mugging, dustbin QB Zach Mettenberg comes in and directs a complete snooze-fest.  The Falcons responded with their own freeze job, but have no fear- Mettenberg whipped out the killer late interception with 1:31 to seal the loss.   Titanics take over first place in the AFC. 

BILLS  31,  JAGS 34 (in LONDON)

Better watch out.  The Nils are up to their usual tricks- play a few good games early in the season, and then another memorable slide into frigid Lake Erie.

The Gags, playing in their annual DOORMAT DISASTER in London, could not put the Bills away. Inexplicably up 27-13 enterting the 4^th quarter, the Jags engineer 18 straight Buffalo points, combining a long pass play with a pick six in rapid succession, losing the lead with just 5:21 to go.  But it was not to be- the Nils responded by going out for tea, and Jag QB Blake Bortles throws a winning TD pass to shock the 84,000 fans who vaguely had an idea of what might be happening on the field, should they look up from their smartphones which had the match of the day on. 

LIONS 19, VIKINGS 28

Up 17-15 at halftime, the Kittens stopped fooling around, dug a big whole in the cat box and laid down a stinker- 1 first down in the second half, the Vikes nab 6 sacks, Kitties stack up 6 three and outs...  Peee-yuuuuuuuu.  Lions 1-6 and look unstoppable, at least until Dec. 27^th, when they travel to ‘San Francisco’ to have the huge Doormat tilt with the Santa Clara Niners. Be there.

RAIDERS 37, CHARGERS 29

Wait, WHAT?  The Raiders scored on their first 7 possessions, which hasn’t happened since Al Davis was alive, had a pompadour that included hair, and John Madden could still eat Mexican food.  WR Amari Cooper is…holy God…exciting.  We’re going out on a limb here, but the Raiders could wind up with a winning record.  They have a long way to go, as in at least 8 wins, but these guys just might be leaving the basement for real. (They still racked up 14 penalties, so don’t get TOO excited.)

The Chargettes, on the other hand, sure can pile up the points while they pile up the losses (non-wins).  

BROWNS 6, RAMS 24

It was no contest.  With a phenomenal 4 lost fumbles, the Blank Helmets couldn’t have played any browner.  Johnny Manzel got some mop-up duty in the 4^th when Browns QB Josh McCown left favoring the bench.  I mean, his right arm.  

BUCCANEERS 30, WASHINGTON FATS  31

Up 24-0 in the first half, the Bootineers did what all true losing teams do in those situations- relax, baby!  Here, take the ball, score score score! We’re done!  Enoy! 

Suddenly caught in an avalanche of points they couldn’t stop, the ‘Skins/Fats pulled up dangerously close to the lead, 24-21, entering the 4^th quarter. 

But there they anchored, and then it was a vicious field goal freeze out, back and forth, but then- the ‘Skins/Fats are just NO match for the Bucs in the end- the Bucs secondary drops so far back in prevent defense for the final drive that they were getting phone numbers from the Redskin cheerleaders (the Squaws?) at the back of the end zone.  Fats QB “Fats” Cousins has no choice but to throw to a wide open WR "Fats" Reed in the end zone and finish the job with :24 seconds left.  A real Doormat battle to the finish.  Go Boots!! 

TEXANS 26, DOPLHINS 44

Geez.  Fire your coach and start scoring a billion points.  It helps when you play a team that gave up last week on their season.  Down in the dumpy-wumps and crying in their beer, the Texans roll out a bomb for the ages, trailing 41-0 at halftime.  The entire 2^nd half was garbage time.  KLUNK!!

STEELERS 13, CHIEFS 23

Two teams without a QB, but one with the ability to give up the ball, three of them- the Reelers get back to losing, and the Cheaps lose ground in the AFC hunt.

COLTS 21, SAINTS 27

Not sure how you total 48 points AND punt 20 times (ten each) but that has to be some kind of record.  Saints exiting basement, Colts hanging out on chilly patio looking longingly in through sliding glass door at the orange couch with all the duct tape on it.  Lose two more, guys, OK? 

NFL WEEK 7 WORST STATS

 Points:         3               Niners

First Downs:  8               Niners

Punts:           10              Saints and Colts- same game!  20 total.

Total Yards: 142            Niners

Passing:       81              Niners

Rushing:       50              Washington Fats

Penalties:     14/136         Raiders

3^rd down eff:  1-11          Niners

Yards allowed:  503         Texans

Turnovers :     4             Bills (2int/2fum),  Browns (0/4), Cowboys (2/2)

aaaAAAAAAnd That the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!

Doormat Division Week 12: Raideration

Can the Raiders go 0-16?  Will the Bucs and Raiders meet in Doormat Bowl V?  Will this be "Gruden Bowl II"?  Will the 'Curse of Chucky' be lifted?

 Ever since the Raiders lost to Jon Gruden and the Bucs in the Super Bowl 11 years ago, they've been the worst team in the NFL.  It's called the Curse of Chucky.  Gruden was fired as Raiders coach the previous year, the Bucs were calling out the Raiders plays before they ran them, and the Karma was a bitch.  Nothing less than a Doormat Bowl with attendant voodoo is going to change anything. 

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION 
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     2-8               194       279      -85 

NY Giants      3-7                205      263      -58

Washington    3-7                204      256      -52   

Carolina         3-7-1              215     300      -85

Minnesota      4-6                181      220      -39

AFC                              

Oakland          0-10              152      265      - 113

Jacksonville    1-9                158      282      -110

NY Jets           2-8                174      265      -91

Tennessee       2-8                168      250      -82

Buffalo           5-5                200      204       -4

 THE GAMES

KC at RAIDERS

Believe it or donut, this is the Raider's most dangerous game, wherein they could end up with a victory.  The Chiefs just won an emotional game vs. the Seahags, it's a short week, and next week they've got Denver. 

This game is it.  The team, as bad as they are, are playing hard.  KC-RAIDER games never have any relation to the standings, even if the current players could care less about the long-storied violent rivalry.  The fans care, and The Black Hole, a night game at Oakland Coliseum, will be rocking.  Turn up Al Davis' eternal flame to high, oh Silver and Blacked Out, your fearless leader is watching from the crypt at the Chapel of the Chimes (an extremely interesting place in Oakland, CA).   

EDGE TO LOSE:  CHIEFS!!!

BUCCANEERS at BEARS

Rainy and about 50º is the game-time weather prediction, so it won't be the meat locker we were hoping for, but the Bucs will still lose this game.  Both teams just won a game, so the violent struggle to be worse than the opponent will be spectacular.  Bucs far more experienced at not having winning streaks.

EDGE TO LOSE:  BUCS

TITANS at EAGLES 

Philly needs to get well on somebody, and the Titanics are in town. That's convenient. 

EDGE TO LOSE:  TITANS

BROWNS at FALCONS

Tough call.  Browns looked so truly back to the Basement last week, that it's hard to deny them another loss.  Falcons have a real quarterback...they just don't have anything else.  Atlanta crowds really know how to bring the apathy.

EDGE TO LOSE:  FALCONS

PACKERS at VIKINGS

The high TODAY will be 18º.  Should be raining and about 39º at game time Sunday, so not the freezer bowl we hoped for.  This will make it really rain footballs.  If the Packers don't win by 30 points, they will win by 40.

EDGE TO LOSE:  VIKINGS

JETS at BUFFALO

Can they find the stadium?  Is there a city under all that snow?  

EDGE TO LOSE:  JETS

RAMS at CHARGERS

Uh-oh.  Chargers gave up playing serious football weeks ago.  The Rams are in real danger of winning two in a row.  So far, they have followed up every big upset with a stinker.  Not this time.  They're losing touch with the Basement.

EDGE TO LOSE:  CHARGERS

JAGUARS at COLTS

It's trounce or be trounced for Indy.  The last four weeks, with alternating Wins and losses:  27-0, 51-34, 40-24, 42-20.   The Gags trot out the interception leader, Blake Bortles, and that's the deal breaker. Indy gets to do the trouncing.

EDGE to LOSE:  JAGUARS

SUNBURNS vs 49ers

The 49ers keep trying to help teams lose.  This time they get it right.  The Redskins employ some wild blitzing schemes, and generally the 49ers front 4 can't even stop a 3-man pass rush.  Give the Skins a pick-six and see what happens.

EDGE TO LOSE:  49ers.

enjoy your weekend with a shovel up in the Northeast.  The rest of us here in Oakland have to build the  Chucky Burning Man Effigy tower.  Al Davis' eternal flame will light it.  See you tonight in the Black Hole.

R.I.P. Al Davis 1929-2011

Al Davis, the man you hated to love and loved to hate, is gone. We eased off on the criticism of Al this season, because it was obvious he wasn't long for this world. And, yes, at times we have openly stated that the good people of Raider Nation were just waiting and watching for when Al would pass on and release his increasingly ineffective stranglehold on the team.

But let's not forget what that stranglehold brought. 3 Championships and some of the most fun football to watch ever. And some of the most colorful teams, and some of the dirtiest hardest fighting teams you will ever witness. The Raider glory days are the 60s-70s-80s. My all time favorite NFL season for any team was the 1980 Raiders when Jim Plunkett, the most underdog of underdog quarterbacks at that point in his seemingly failed career, took over at QB in the preseason for the injured Dan Pastorini, and promptly started throwing bomb after bomb down the field, seemingly always for a touchdown, and always leading to victory. They won the 1981 Super Bowl, and just to prove it wasn't some fluke, did it again in '83.

Of course, by that time, 1983, they had moved to LA, and it is needless to say on how many levels that pissed off anyone who lived in the Bay Area (for you outsiders, that's Oakland, San Francisco, Marin, Sonoma, San Jose and anything near SF Bay). At that point, we all hated Al. With a passion. I can't express how deep the resentment went.

Things slowly went downhill after Raiders won that Super Bowl, and even after they returned to Oakland, Al Davis was no longer viewed as the smart maverick who could take any motley crew of cast-offs and mold them into winners. The fans did not fill the stadium, except for a Broncos game, and so the home team was blacked out for the entire season for years. It was like they had never come home. He was viewed as a reclusive, paranoid, litigating, aging crank who was losing his ability to judge talent and who fired his coach every year. That changed when he hired Jon Gruden as coach. Then, as expected, he and Gruden fought. And fought some more. Then Al did the crazy thing. After TRADING Jon Gruden to the Tampa Bay Bucs, a trade absolutely nobody wanted except Al (and Gruden ultimately), the Raiders made it to the 2003 Super Bowl- incredibly against Gruden's Bucs, and got trampled. Humiliated might be the word.

It wasn't pretty. What followed was 8 years of the worst football the Silver and Black have ever witnessed. Nobody was good enough for Al, and almost all of his personnel decisions turned out bad (or seemed to). The poster boy for the deteriorating situation was JaMarcus Russell, the purple drank swilling mega-bust from LSU. The Doormat Division got started because of the Raider's completely disassembled franchise. The Detroit Lions may have been the marquee losers of the era, but actually the Raiders were worse in every aspect of the game.

Amazingly, the Raiders have rebounded out of that absolute pit, and are at least respectable again, and I am glad they did it before Al checked out. Also, a number of his draft picks that people sneered at are suddenly looking pretty good. As ever, they have the fastest team in the league. They have the best running back in the league. Their new coach, Hue Jackson, actually seems like a good coach. Al was at the game last week, a rare sighting lately.

And, of course, now that Al is gone, NOW WHAT? We wanted him to leave, now he's gone. The Raiders have a game today, in Houston. You know what Al would say to them, before hitting the field.

He may have not been his old self anymore, but no one replaces Al Davis. He was one of a kind, and one of the greatest football minds of all time. We're gonna miss him.