DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK SIX WRAP-UP AND PUNTATHON

It's a Punt Eat Punt World

Every once in a great while, a team steps forward...I think it's two or three steps, and then you swing your leg...right?...and puts themselves into the Doormat Division record books.  Doing this despite their current record (3-3) does not diminish the accomplishment. In the case of the Tennessee Titans, the Basement really isn't that far away, ever. We only have to peel back one or two layers of wallpaper to get to our Titanics pattern.

TITANS 0, RAVEN-POES 21

It's not the 11 sacks, one off the NFL record, that is impressive, even though it's often a coach-sacking offense. It's not the 7 first downs. It's this: 9 Titans possessions, 9 Titans punts. We've been covering the Doormat Division for 8 years, and following the stats for a lot longer than that, and we have never seen every possession in a game end with a punt. No interception, no fumble (though Titanics QB Marcus Mariota tried), no 4th down failure (not even late in the game?).  

That takes skilled determination. The Titanics haven't crossed the goal line in 8 quarters, have lost two straight, and Titans coach Mike Vrabel was pretty verbal in the post-game press conference. Taking full credit for the incredible accomplishment, Vrabel said "you don't have time for any hangovers," clearly meaning they can't celebrate for too long, because they got some icebergs to go hit.  

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 6

NFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Arizona         1-5          82       139       -57
NY Giants     1-5         117      162       -45
*Santa Clara  1-4         118     146       -28

Atlanta          2-4         167      192       -25
Tampa Bay    2-3         141      173      -32
Detroit           2-3         125      137      -12

AFC            W-L        PF        PA      DIFF

Oakland        1-5         110      176       -66
Indy              1-5         152      180       -28
Buffalo         2-4          76        138      -62
Denver          2-4         120      154      -34
Cleveland     2-3-1       128     151      -23

*Santa Clara plays the Packers tonight

RAIDERS 3, SEAHAWKS 27

The Seahawks are not a great team. But the RAIDERS.  Every year, the NFL invites 4 teams out to London for a couple games, and it's never teams that might make the Super Bowl. If you're in London, you're a Doormat rep or you're auditioning to be. The Raiders passed the audition with damp moldy colors, something any Brit can appreciate. The only way to be the worst of the worst is confident totally wrong top-down leadership. 7 years into the (owner) Mark Davis era, the downward spiral, with one season of up, is starting to look like a whirlpool from which the pirate ship Raider Nation will not escape, and why should they? They've got a Moldy Carpet Trophy (the Doormat Division's highest award) to hoist at year's end. They can cart it out to Las Vegas, put the ol' Skull and Crossbones up in some dusty creosote tangled lot, get bit by a scorpion, put their pirate vessel in dry dock, stop showering and let that Moldy Carpet dry out, blowing its spores across the lonely desert.  

What're the odds?  

p.s.  You know, if Al Davis were alive, he'd look terrible, but he would have hired Colin Kaepernick as soon as he was available, if just to thumb his nose at all the other owners.  The NFL misses that. With two rookie tackles watching the world go by, they could really use someone who is already out on the edge by the time the pass rush gets to the backfield. Just sayin'.  

BROWNS 14, CHARGERS 38

The Brownies are keeping it real, 2-3-1, and back in our standings.  Noting that Browns QB Baker Mayfield likes to run around, the Chargers decided to help him out and turn it up to 'run for your life.'  5 sacks, two more interceptions, and a Brownie day at the yard, in Cleveland. The Browns defense shored up its run strategy, getting mowed for 246 rushing yards, and making Philip Rivers look like a level-headed cool cucumber. He's not really green, it's just this old TV.  The tubes come from Russia. Are they listening?

CARDINALS 17, VIKINGS 27

You know it's a tough news day when your worst team in the league is item #4, but what can you do?  It's not flashy, it's just brain-dead. Cardinals accomplish difficult task of making Kirk Cousins signing look good, for one day.

MIAMI 31, BEARS 28 OT

I know this is not a Doormat game, but last year it sure was. Another loony game in the NFL in 2018. And it's mostly ex-Doormats (attempting to leave) leading the charge.

COLTS 34, JETS 42

Like this one!  The Clots are 1-5, yet are averaging 25 points a game. But they're giving up 31, so it's one near miss, blown lead, futile comeback, after another.  They only punted twice!  

BUCS 29, FALCONS 34

Down...down....down... another pirate ship slowly sinks in the harbor.  3 losses in a row gets them back to a losing record, despite 512 yards of offense.  Jameis Winston, Ryan Fitzpatrick, who cares who's back there- just come close.  But, please, no cigars.  Although, the completely hilarious multi-fumble-lateral final play that 'almost' got in the end zone, you gotta give the Bucs some style points.  Big Doormat style points.

BILLS 13, TEXANS 20

12 first downs, 12 penalties, 11 pipers piping, 5 punts-a-punting, TWO -In-ter-cep-tionnnnns!

Bills interception machine QB Nathan Peterman got into the game (one INT for every 8.7 attempts. That's 63 in a season with 550 attempts), finishing off the game with a pick-six with 1:23 left. This came after the Bills had set up the Toxins at the 1-yard line with a pass interference call, but the Toxins refused to move in, kicking a tying field goal, hoping for an overtime loss or something.  But when you've got an interception wizard out on the field, a team just has to be patient with impatience.  Bills 2-4 and in the race.

GIANTS 13, PHILADEPHIA 34

Yes, Eli Manning is still playing football. 

JAGUARS 10, COWBOYS 40

Well!  It's like old Home Week.  The Jags turn back the clock for a day, 10 first downs, scrape up 204 yards of offense and sink back to 3-3.  Two blowout losses in a row, and they could easily lose 3 of the next 4 games.

Tonight!

49ers at Packers

Whiners should get to 1-5 with this one, but I think they may cover the 9-point spread (biggest of the weekend), as this may be their last gasp before giving in and playing out the string.  Packers are not what they once were, but the Whiners have no idea what 'were' is.

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the BASEMENT!!!!

-wacko

DOORMAT WEEK SEVEN WRAP-UP AND INCINERATE

HUGE RE-SHUFFLE!

I have to make this brief this week, there’s a lot to do, and the police should be pulling up shortly and I’d better-  I mean, I have to go to ‘work.’  But we have the space heater keeping us warm for now, one tiny short away from burning down the whole rotting structure, and leaving just the sliding door standing, dog slobber and all. 

In our beloved Doormat Division, where losing is the name of the game, and your own personal football hell turns into hallelujah, there was a bold move in the AFC: the Titanics put on a tombstone of a performance this week, losing 10-7 to Atlanta, and rise to the top of the standings, tied with the Poe-Cravens. 

Here’s the standings, and let’s get to the games.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Kittens        1-6           139 - 200

Whiners      2-5           103 – 180

Bootineers   2-4           140 - 179

daBares       2-4           120 - 179

Deadskins   3-4           148 – 168

Seahags       3-4          154 - 128

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      1-5            119 - 139

Cravens      1-5            143 – 162

Toxins        2-5            154 - 199

Gaguars      2-5            147 - 207

Cheaps        2-5           150 - 172

Chargettes   2-5           165 – 198

STIFF OF THE WEEK

TITANS 7, FALCONS 10

With Titanic QB Marcus Mariotta on the bench with 17 injuries after 6-game mugging, dustbin QB Zach Mettenberg comes in and directs a complete snooze-fest.  The Falcons responded with their own freeze job, but have no fear- Mettenberg whipped out the killer late interception with 1:31 to seal the loss.   Titanics take over first place in the AFC. 

BILLS  31,  JAGS 34 (in LONDON)

Better watch out.  The Nils are up to their usual tricks- play a few good games early in the season, and then another memorable slide into frigid Lake Erie.

The Gags, playing in their annual DOORMAT DISASTER in London, could not put the Bills away. Inexplicably up 27-13 enterting the 4^th quarter, the Jags engineer 18 straight Buffalo points, combining a long pass play with a pick six in rapid succession, losing the lead with just 5:21 to go.  But it was not to be- the Nils responded by going out for tea, and Jag QB Blake Bortles throws a winning TD pass to shock the 84,000 fans who vaguely had an idea of what might be happening on the field, should they look up from their smartphones which had the match of the day on. 

LIONS 19, VIKINGS 28

Up 17-15 at halftime, the Kittens stopped fooling around, dug a big whole in the cat box and laid down a stinker- 1 first down in the second half, the Vikes nab 6 sacks, Kitties stack up 6 three and outs...  Peee-yuuuuuuuu.  Lions 1-6 and look unstoppable, at least until Dec. 27^th, when they travel to ‘San Francisco’ to have the huge Doormat tilt with the Santa Clara Niners. Be there.

RAIDERS 37, CHARGERS 29

Wait, WHAT?  The Raiders scored on their first 7 possessions, which hasn’t happened since Al Davis was alive, had a pompadour that included hair, and John Madden could still eat Mexican food.  WR Amari Cooper is…holy God…exciting.  We’re going out on a limb here, but the Raiders could wind up with a winning record.  They have a long way to go, as in at least 8 wins, but these guys just might be leaving the basement for real. (They still racked up 14 penalties, so don’t get TOO excited.)

The Chargettes, on the other hand, sure can pile up the points while they pile up the losses (non-wins).  

BROWNS 6, RAMS 24

It was no contest.  With a phenomenal 4 lost fumbles, the Blank Helmets couldn’t have played any browner.  Johnny Manzel got some mop-up duty in the 4^th when Browns QB Josh McCown left favoring the bench.  I mean, his right arm.  

BUCCANEERS 30, WASHINGTON FATS  31

Up 24-0 in the first half, the Bootineers did what all true losing teams do in those situations- relax, baby!  Here, take the ball, score score score! We’re done!  Enoy! 

Suddenly caught in an avalanche of points they couldn’t stop, the ‘Skins/Fats pulled up dangerously close to the lead, 24-21, entering the 4^th quarter. 

But there they anchored, and then it was a vicious field goal freeze out, back and forth, but then- the ‘Skins/Fats are just NO match for the Bucs in the end- the Bucs secondary drops so far back in prevent defense for the final drive that they were getting phone numbers from the Redskin cheerleaders (the Squaws?) at the back of the end zone.  Fats QB “Fats” Cousins has no choice but to throw to a wide open WR "Fats" Reed in the end zone and finish the job with :24 seconds left.  A real Doormat battle to the finish.  Go Boots!! 

TEXANS 26, DOPLHINS 44

Geez.  Fire your coach and start scoring a billion points.  It helps when you play a team that gave up last week on their season.  Down in the dumpy-wumps and crying in their beer, the Texans roll out a bomb for the ages, trailing 41-0 at halftime.  The entire 2^nd half was garbage time.  KLUNK!!

STEELERS 13, CHIEFS 23

Two teams without a QB, but one with the ability to give up the ball, three of them- the Reelers get back to losing, and the Cheaps lose ground in the AFC hunt.

COLTS 21, SAINTS 27

Not sure how you total 48 points AND punt 20 times (ten each) but that has to be some kind of record.  Saints exiting basement, Colts hanging out on chilly patio looking longingly in through sliding glass door at the orange couch with all the duct tape on it.  Lose two more, guys, OK? 

NFL WEEK 7 WORST STATS

 Points:         3               Niners

First Downs:  8               Niners

Punts:           10              Saints and Colts- same game!  20 total.

Total Yards: 142            Niners

Passing:       81              Niners

Rushing:       50              Washington Fats

Penalties:     14/136         Raiders

3^rd down eff:  1-11          Niners

Yards allowed:  503         Texans

Turnovers :     4             Bills (2int/2fum),  Browns (0/4), Cowboys (2/2)

aaaAAAAAAnd That the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 10 WRAP UP AND DISPOSAL

10 WEEKS IN THE CAN! RAIDERS STILL UN-VICTORIOUS! JACKSONVILLE OWNS LONDON! THE HAPLESS JETS SCREW UP!  BEARS SET FIRST HALF TD RECORD FOR AARON RODGERS! BUCCANEERS NARROWLY ESCAPE, STAY WINLESS AT HOME!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK TEN
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-8               167       272      -105    

St. Louis         3-6               163       251      -88

Chicago          3-6               194       277      -83 

NY Giants      3-6                195      247      -52

Washington    3-6                197      229      -32 

   

AFC                              

Oakland          0-9                146      252      - 106

Jacksonville    1-9                158      282      -110

NY Jets           2-8                174      265      -91

Tennessee       2-7                144      223      -79

Texans            4-5                206      197      +9

Before we proceed to the Wrap-Up, please note that the entire NFC South has a losing record.
New Orleans, after yesterday's loss to the Niners, are in first at 4-5.  Hats off!

WEEK 10 WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL 

WITH A MILLION FLIES WHOOSHING OUT 

WHEN YOU OPEN THE LID

THE HAPLESS JETS 20,  STEELERS 13
What were they thinking?  Who ordered up that prop plane flyover during Jets practice last week with the banner demanding GM John Idzik be fired??  Now look what happened. A team in almost total disarray is brought together, the over-over-over confident Steelers bring their NYC junket hangovers to the Meadowlands, and the Hapless Jets win a...a...I can't say it.

Previously leading the league in give/take turnover ratio (-15), the Hapless Jets are buried under a barrage of turnovers. The Steelers brought a balanced attack of 2 INTs and 2 fumbles, and they never looked back.  If they had, they might have caught one, or noticed a ball on the turf.

Now 2-8, the Nyets need to bring back Geno Smith immediately or run the risk of losing more ground to the Raiders (0-9) for the Doormat AFC lead.  With only 6 games to go, they're two games behind, and...well, they can't wipe wins off the record, so it's pretty hopeless, because:

RAIDERS 17, BRONCOS 41
Amazingly, this is not the Blowout of the Week.  Da Bares brought the Basement Special to Green Bay yesterday.  But don't say the Silver and Blacked Out didn't try.  Nursing a 10-6 lead late in the second quarter, the Raiders throw in the towel (and a toaster plus a rebate), and blaze a trail to halftime, suddenly trailing 20-10 and turning a lusty and loud crowd into a quietly murmuring Sunday flea market.  There wasn't even any booing.  It was so quiet you could hear the quiet rustling of chains, Darth Vader capes, Peyton Manning's hand signals, and Al Davis' 'eternal flame' thinga-ma-jiggy.  Eternal in Oakland.  COASTING along at 0-9,  and sailing into the 4th quarter with only 5 first downs, the Blacked Out looked unstoppable.  They were.

The number of bumbling moments are too numerous to mention, though when you are already down 34-10, can hear the seagulls at the top of the stadium, you throw an interception, then throw a red challenge hanky (interceptor stepped out of bounds) on a play that is automatically reviewed resulting in a loss of a timeout PLUS tossing in an unsportsmanlike penalty for added spice kind of stands out.
However, I wouldn't want to give the impression that it was unusual.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

DA BARES 14, PACKERS 55
It was 42-0 at halftime.  Bears QB Jay Cutler does not play defense (whether he plays offense is up for debate), but if he did Aaron Rodgers might have had 8 TDs before halftime instead of 6.  But Cutler did what he could, which is continuing his mastery of Lambeau field.  4 Games, 12 interceptions!  The Master of Disaster tossed in 2 INTs and a fumble in the first half, and the Packers did the rest- which was scoring so fast I thought that green and yellow blur was the Oregon Ducks- should the Ducks actually WEAR green and yellow someday.

Da Bares improve to 3-6 and their only victories are the Hapless Jets, the Falcons and the Niners (who have played some lulu Doormat games this year).  They're gonna get 10 losses, no problem.

PANTHERS 21, PHILADELPHIA 45
Cam Newton may have the best worst body language of any QB that plays for a team that just cannot pull it together.  He sure knows how to just huck it up for grabs, though! Put it in the air!  It will come down near a human for sure!!

GIANTS 14, SEAHAWKS 38
It was close for a while.  And then it wasn't.  The Gnats finally shoulder their way into the Basement at a respectable 3-6.  Good solid downward spiral. Spirals are good in fooball.

JAGUARS 17, COWBOYS 31
Tony Romo played for the Cowboys, and the Jaguars own London. Game Over. Good luck losing a game against the Gags in Jolly Old England.  At least the Roar cheerleaders were back, losing bits of clothing all over London again.  The cheerleading squad really is more famous than the team.
Jags at 1-9 and still hot on the Raiders trail.

BUCCANEERS 17, FALCONS 27
In a brutal NFC Doormat tilt, with the league lead on the line, the Bootineers prevail again in the 4th quarter.  Atlanta gave up some huge gainers, the Boots slowly wore down, but Atlanta was still hanging around in the 4th quarter, up only 10 points. But Boots QB Josh McCown, filling in for one of hundreds of QBs who have been benched this year (George Blanda? Steve DeBerg?), steps up in the pocket and rockets TWO drive killing interceptions, one in the Atlanta end zone for extra sauce.  As always, when the Boots backs are to the wall, you can't stop them.  Bucs now 1-8, while Atlanta falls to 3-6, and nearly out of contention for the Doormat NFC crown.

RAMS 14, CARDINALS 31
But if you want 4th quarter genius, the Lambs are your team.  Entering the 4th quarter dangerously ahead 14-10, the Rams take advantage of Cardinals QB Carson Palmer's injury, giving up a 48-yard bomb (I get teary-eyed over this, the Rams used to be greatest big-play team) to backup up Drew Stanton.  After this, the Lambs countered with an interception, but the Cards declined to score, and then punted.  Undaunted, the Lambs next move was another interception and this time they made it stick, with the Cards returning it 30 yards for the TD.  On the next possession, the Lambs go 3 and out, but the Cards snag a penalty and hand the Rams a first down and one more chance.  The Lambs don't miss the opportunity, put the ball on the rug and the Cards run it in 18 yards for the score.  21 points in 5 minutes!  Wow!

TITANICS 7,  RAVENS 21
Yesterday's PUNT-A-THON.  Eight for the Titanics, 7 for the Ravens.  Job well done, men.

I like saying "Hapless Jets."

aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!!