WEAK 12 REPORT AND AUTOPSY

WEAK 12 CHEESE BALL BOMBS

FADING HOPES IN COLD CLIMES and

BEING JUST BADENOV, BORIS

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 12

AFC
Cleveland -    0-12
Jacksonville - 2-10
NY Jets -        3-8
Cincinnati -    3-7-1
San Diego -    5-6

NFC
San Francisco - 1-10
Chicago -          2-9
Los Angeles -   4-7
Carolina -         4-7
Green Bay        4-6


BROWNOUTS 13, GIANTS 27
Who can lose a game where the opponent punts 9 times?  The Browns!  Who can lose a game where your opponent gets only 13 first downs?  The Browns!  Who else can lose a game where your opponent gets 100 penalty yards to your measly 35?  Nobody but the Browns!!  Of course fumbling away the ball 3 times, with one of those for a fumble-six, kinda helps.

0-12 AND the worst uniforms in the NFL. C'MON, those are ghastly.  Somebody get that ownership a medal, and make it out of an old Trabant (worst car ever made) grill.  

LAMBS 21, SAINTS 49
Maybe Saints coach Sean Payton is still a little steamed at his old defensive (hits for cash!) coordinator, who now works for the Lambs. It has to hurt your eyes after a while, doing the laser glare at the opposing bench for an entire game.  Actually, Lambie QB Jared Goff must have felt like he was back at Cal:  high scoring game that is exciting for 3 quarters and then you end up getting blown out. Trick plays by the bushel in this one.   

WHINERS 24, DOLPHINS 31
Honesty: Chip Kelly and Colin Kaepernick seem to be getting on the same page.  Kaepernick accounted for over 400 yards of offense yesterday.  He was THE man.  They nearly tied the game with 2 seconds to go.  Man, that was a close one.  Luckily for the Whines, he does not play defense, and whoa is that defense just as porous as Chip's most porous Oregon defenses over the years. I swear they couldn't stop a baby stroller pushed by an exhausted diaper-whipped dad. And I should know.  Humongous game next week vs. the Bears.  

JESTS 17, PATRIOTS 22
Another close call for a Doormat yesterday.  Good God, what were the Jests thinking, being ahead deep in the 4th quarter??  Well, relax, fans- the Patriots were safely guided down the field for the go-ahead TD, and Jets QB Ryan "Let Me Blow This" Fitzfumble fumbled away the Jests last fumbling 'chance.'   Jests still in the hunt for the Moldy Carpet, but not really because the Browns will win 1 game at most.  

BEARS 21, TITANS 27
The Barelys do it again- look like they are getting shellacked, and then stage the Futile Comeback and make it look like they tried.  It's a lot of Looking Like, and very little of Actually Being.  Who knew that Soldier Field was a land of fantasy?  Titans have risen to 6-6.  Look out world, a Doormat is crawling up out of the muck.

BUNGLES 14, RAVEN-POES 19
At the beginning of the season, the Bungles were a favorite to challenge for the AFC Championship.  Oh PLEASE. This is the Bungles we're talking about here, and they've already had two winning seasons in a row, and that's way way way more than should be asked for here.  Are they burning Andy Dalton jerseys in their BBQ's in the parking lot?  Are there still scraps of a Carson Palmer jersey in there?  You gonna eat that chicken leg?

GAGUARS 21, BILLS 28
Gags extend their losing streak to 6 games, now, and in this one showed a lot of savvy in losing the lead 5 times.  Not to be denied!  Rack it up!! Wild game up in Buffalo...look out, the Bills are 6-5.  How long has it been since they've been over .500 this late in the season?  Usually by now you know they'll get to 10 losses.  ANOTHER DOORMAT crawls out of the BASEMENT!!!

BUCS 14,  SEAHAGS 5
And yet another perennial loser and close friend is breathing the rarified air in the winning column.  6-5 and snuffing the Hags with ferocious defense (3 turnovers) has GOT to feel good.  

RAIDERS 35, PANTHERS 32
The Raiders' Derek Carr goes out for one series with a jammed pinkie, and the Panthers pounce on it like it was 25 points, which is what happened. But...Carr came back in, and this guy is amazing.  Well, here's our fabulous  Doormat Champ stomping all the way to the #1 seed in the AFC today.  GOOD GRIEF.  

aaaaaand THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!!

WEEK 9 EJECTION OF FORMER DOORMATS INTO...FIRST PLACE?!?

ADIOS, BRO-CHA-CHOS!!!

RRRRRAIDERS 30, BRONCOS 20
We waited as long as we could.  You don't really climb out of the basement until you have guaranteed that you can't lose more than 7 games.  But this has to happen now:  CONGRATULATIONS,  OAKLAND RAIDERS, you aren't a Doormat anymore.  The team with the worst record for about the last 15 years has catapulted themselves into first place (WHAT??) in the AFC West, with a gaudy 7-2 record, and did it with a pretty complete manhandling on the offensive and defensive line.  The monstrous front line of the Oakland offense (6 down linemen on most plays), just pushed the Broncos all over the field, ran the ball through holes large and small like it was just fun to do, and gave Derek Carr plenty of time to throw the ball.

The 31st ranked Oakland D, which still somehow manages to keep the Raiders in every game, was stellar, completely shutting down the Broncos offense.  WTF, a complete game from a perennial doormat.

You never can be sure about teams that have been bad for so long...the wheels just might come off and kablooie, 7-2 turns into 7-9.  Not with these guys. Wheels not coming off. Not with those spiffy rims.

Denver did the Doormat numbers last night- no first downs for the first 5 possessions, 4 straight 3-and-outs to open the game, and the first team to get under 20:00 of possession time this year, with a stunningly measly 18:43 of ineffective offense (except for two huge plays).

The Raiders even got out-penalized,  12 to 8.  Last week they set a new NFL record with 23 for 200 yards, so wow.

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 8

AFC

Cleveland -    0-9
Jacksonville - 2-6
NY Jets -       3-6
Cincinnati -   3-4-1
San Diego -   4-5
Indianapolis -4-5
Tennessee-    4-5

NFC

San Francisco - 1-7
Chicago - 2-6
Carolina - 3-5
Arizona - 3-4-1
Tampa Bay - 3-5
Los Angeles - 3-5

 THE GAMES

BROWNS 10, COWBOYS 35
Well, this one was a no-doubter from the first ominous chip-shot field goal for the Brown-outs.  Following that up with 21 unanswered points by the Cowboys- though we often count missed field goals and punts as "answers" around here- the Blanks had no problem- like having to blow a 20 point lead- this week.   0-9 and just try and stop them.

WHINERS 23, SAINTS 41
Looking slightly sharper in the first half this week, the Whines kept up with the Saints until the intermission, after which they did their usual implosion serenade, wrapping 3 fumbles and two punts around a measly field goal, while 49er flagmen in gold hard hats directed the Saints to the end zone a couple times.  1-7 and a steamroller, baby.  However, Kaepernick is uncorking some bombs and look for the 49ers to have trouble losing to the Bears (12/4) or the Jets (12/11).  They have a lot of work to do to stay with the Browns.

JESTS 23,  DOLPHINS 27
It was anybody's game to lose, and the Jests stepped up and claimed it. Taking the lead late in the 4th quarter (23-20) on a bungled punt by the Dolphins, the Nyets kick off and pin the Flops at the 5 yard-line..but NO!  There was an offside, and this time the Jest-setters get it right- a 95 yard kickoff return for a TD and Bob's Your Uncle, they nail down another loss.  Very creative losing.

Another game in the new brand of doormat play- entertaining, lots of lead changes, whoa.  Dolphins pull into Parity Division with 4-4 record.

GAGUARS 14,  CHIEFS 19
The Chiefs, always boring, but never exciting, win by 5 points, and it feels like 30.  The Jags can out-mediocre anybody.  Just set that bar a little lower...lower.

BOOTINEERS 28, FALCONS 43
It was 40-14 at one point, OK?  Falcons coasted home with this one, as that Bucs defense...wait, did they use a defense yesterday? As Tim Gunn says on Project Runway,  they "used it carefully and wisely."  Bucs 3-5 and up against it next week against the Bears.  Huge game. Pack extra Twinkies.

RAMS 10, PANTHERS 13
Remember when the Rams were 3-1 and leading the NFC West?  I don't either.  Walkfish accurately predicted this stiff to be the STIFF OF THE WEEK, though one always has to wait for the Seahawks to play before calling that one.  3-5 now, both of them.  Panthers have won 3 straight.  I think they're headed for relevance, considering what a Pile of Parity the NFL is this year.  8-8 is gonna get you in the playoffs.

The Titanics nailed down another loss, avoiding a winning record (whew), and the Colts actually WON a game against the confused identity of the Green Bay Packers.

TONIGHT:  SEAHAGS vs. BILLS.   Somehow the Hags are 4-2-1, even though they can't score, but the Bills are at 4-4 and can almost get back in the basement with a loss tonight.  Go Nils!!

aaaAAAAAND That's the View foaming from the Basement!!!!

TWELFTH WEEK: BURSTING WITH BOOBERY !!

WELCOME MAT ON THE PATIO

It is time to welcome the newcomers, because they don’t appear to be leaving.   The Dallas Cows: 3-8 and looking like a real contender, now that Tony Romo broke his collar bone again. 

I saw the play.  Honestly, I wish the tactic of lifting and slamming a guy to the turf would stop being a technique they teach for sacking QBs, since most of them, at that point, are more than willing to hit the turf.  Football is an entertainment for paying customers, and they’d really rather see Tony Romo playing in a game instead of getting carted off the field.  His backup is Matt Cassel, for lord sakes, and I’m not ponying up my hard won wages on the ranch to watch that kind of boobery, unless I’m ensconced in the basement pulling for the loser to lose again. It really is like the fans don’t matter.  Or I should say, only YOUR fans matter, which is pretty darn stupid. Slamming a QB down on his shoulder means you want something bad to happen to that shoulder.  Period.  And, might I add, if TV money is the only money that counts, why does it cost so much to watch a game from the nose bleed seats?

End of rant.

Also busting into the basement with some real authority are the Philadelphia Feebles, a college offense getting its butt kicked in the NFL.  Stop pretending it’s not happening.  It doesn’t work.  Stop handing the ball back to the other team in 5 seconds.  But hey, it’s our gain, so Coach Chip, keep up the good work.  And bringing up the rear are the New Orleans Ain’ts, where old, hidden paper bags, a little greasy from the fried chicken and other extremely tasty foods that grace the shores of the Mississippi in those parts, are coming out of the trunk.  Welcome back guys, it’s been a while.  

Let’s check the standings, and then skewer the games:

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 12

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Whiners      3-8           152 - 271

Cows          3-8            204 - 261
Lambs        4-7            186 - 230

Kittens        4-7           230 - 288

Feebles       4-7            243 - 274

Ain’ts         4-7            261 – 339

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      2-9            203 - 257

Browns      2-8            186 - 277

Chargers     3-8           244 - 307

Cravens      3-6            226 - 249

Dolphins     4-7           225 - 287

Gaguars      4-7            236 - 299

THE LEADERS:

WHINERS 13,  CARDINALS 19

Let’s face it, no matter how helpful the Cardinals were yesterday, it was no dice against the worst team in the NFL.  Right down to coming up with an extra point doinking off the right upright with 2:36 left in the game, keeping the game tantalizingly close at 19-13, the Cardinals were just NOT going to lose this game.  In fact, they were sabotaged by the refs on their final drive.  An dubious roughing the passer penalty, which was just a clean sack, on a critical third down and then the capper- interfering with the ref by players on the 49er sideline, on a well defended bomb by Crudinal QB Carson Palmer.  The ref grazed the arm of a 49er standing in the restricted zone. Next time, at least knock the zebra to the turf, dude. In fact, throw in a body slam! That’s 30 extra yards to a team trying to give the ball back to the Niners.  

But this is what terrible teams get- refs start LOOKING for stuff that the better teams (as in mediocre) don't get called for.  It’s like the whipping boy in 3^rd grade- same guy always gets blamed for everything (13 penalties for a measly 81 yards).  It’s only fair- if your line has problems, when they try to play inspired ball, you get flagged for more penalties.  The Niners are this team. 
So Carson Palmer ends up running in the winning touchdown, nearly ending his season with an awkward ball spike and sprawl into the photographers.  Dainty.

Whiner QB Blaine Gabbert racked up over 300 yards, but went 0-9 (O-4-niners!) on third down conversions, and came up with the killer sack on the final drive, ending all hope at Levi stadium (shouldn’t the seat covers be denim?) p.s.  Niners wore their black “we’re not the Niners” uniforms.  They didn't really need to do that.   It's pretty obvious.

BROWNIES VS. CRAVENS (MONDAY NIGHT)

Our AFC leaders (yes I know the Titans lost, but we wait for this game) face off tonight in a Prime Time MNF Doormat Extravaganza that is not to be missed, if you even remotely appreciate the finer points of terrible football. 

The Brownies have tried everything, short of winning games, but to no avail- but this one is going to be tough. It’s at home, where Cleveland fans are used to being handed humble pie on any given Sunday, but Johnny Foosball is putting down the shot glass and, I think, will actually win a game for Cleveland. I’m going way out on a limb. This will vault the Titanics (2-9) into unchallenged first place.  But let’s not run off half-cocked, give the Cravens their due- they can lose any game at any moment anywhere.  No matter how close a game is, they can make it look like a 20 point deficit.   It’s gonna be a wild wild wild total STIFF of a game.  I sure hope it’s Chris Berman and Jon Gruden on this one, because they will have a FIELD DAY.  EDGE TO LOSE:  CRAVENS

DOORMAT ALERT:

BROWN AND NINERS PLAY EACH OTHER ON

DEC. 13^th

TITANICS 21, RRRRAIDERS 24

Where do you go when you’ve lost three in a row and you have no one to turn to?  Memphis!  The Raiders, despite fumbling the ball repeatedly, got outfoxed by Marcus Mariota, a rookie guiding his team with confidently thrown late interceptions that are driving the Titanics straight to Davy Jones’ Locker. 

COWS 13,  PANTHERS 33

The Panthers are really good, and the Cows made sure they looked it.  Cows TIED FOR FIRST with the Niners.  It’s a damn shame these two old rivals aren’t facing off late in the season for NFC Doormat bragging rights.  

FEEBLES 14,  LIONS 45

The Feebs have Mark ‘Hold and Sack’ Sanchez at QB, and that pretty much takes care of that. The Feebs held the ball for a meager 22 minutes, while the Lions had it for almost 38. The Lions have won three in a row- that’s just wrong. Doormats DO NOT win 3 in a row. What with the Packers (next week) in a huge slump and the rest of the schedule looking lighter every minute, the Lions could have…dare I say it- an absurd shot at the playoffs.  The Feebles, on the other hand, are just sinking into a muck so deep it’s like the malarial swamps that used to grace the Philly shores back in the early days, when Ben Franklin was coaching.  Both teams are 4-7 but headed in drastically different directions.  However, Feebs still only one game out of first in the All-Doormat NFC East. Good GRIEF. 

GAGUARS 25, CHARS 31

Just when you think you’ve got the system down, you’re the worst team in the AFC, you have to play Jacksonville, and you get schooled.  No team, except of course for Cleveland, can crush a home crowd more efficiently.  In the playoff hunt at kickoff time yesterday, the Gags find the way to give Char QB Philip Rivers 4 TD passes and still lose the game.  The Char’s usually successful game plan finally foiled, the Gags fall to 4-6 and stay in the Basement with us.  Whew, that WAS CLOSE.

AIN’TS 6,  TEXANS 24

Remember when the Toxins were 1-4?  And looked hopeless?  Pull that sticker off and slap it on the Saints!  Drew Brees doesn’t throw a TD pass for the first time in forever, and the Saints fail to score a TD for the first time since Louis Armstrong was running the town.

Can we pull the Fleur-de-Lys trunk out of storage mom, can we? I wanna decorate.  

LAMBS 7, BENGALS 31

The Bungles may have lost two in a row, but fat chance they were going to lose this one, not with the Lambies pulling out their Big Play Two Ply Defense!  I don’t know about YOU, but I think maybe Lamb coach Jeff Fisher really isn’t a coach.  He’s just a testy guy scowling his way through the NFL until somebody notices he was originally hired to run the washing machines.  Somewhere along the way, he grabbed an extra clipboard, stole a headset, and here we are.  The Lambs are BACK!  Wrap me in wool, baby, it’s gonna be a loooooooooong, cold St. Louis winter.

SPECIAL 12^th WEEK HONORS:  The Entire NFC East has a losing record, thanks to the Deadskins beating the Giants yesterday.   5-6 gets you First Place.  There’s still 5 games to go, so it’s a long way to the finish line, but we can hope they keep it under .500 all the way.  Duke it out, guys!!!

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 12

Points:                6                Saints

First downs:        14              NOLA, PHI, DAL     

Turnovers:   apple cinnamon

Turnovers (int/fum):   4/0     Steelers

Total Yards:        210            Cowboys

Yards Allowed:  538             Seahawks (and they won)

Punts:                 10              Patriots

Total Punts:        18              Pats-Broncos

3^rd Down Conv:  0-9             49ers

Sacked:               6-40           Eagles

Penalties:            13/81, 49ers;  12/95     Bears, Bucs

aaaaAAAaAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!