DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 17: THE FINAL INDIGNITY

DOORMAT DIVISION:  THE FINAL INDIGNITY

Well, me and my brother ‘Fish finally got back from the most miserable duck-hunting expedition of our lives in the muck and drizzle of the Middle Earth that is Oregon only to find a guillotine on the Basement patio, and several severed head coaching and general manager heads rolling around in the bushes.  It took us all day to mop up and get around to our final tally of the Run to the Moldy Carpet.   You know, it would have been nice if somebody’d told us ducks fly south for the winter.   I think I have pneumonia.

              

AND THE WINNERS ARE:

THE PHILADELPHIA PHEEBLES AND

THE KANSAS CITY CHEAPS!!!

Coming from out of NOWHERE, the Pheebs bumble their way to their worst season since going 3-13 in 1998,  snag the NFC title in the doormat, get everybody fired that answered a phone at Pheeble headquarters in 2012, and will get their shot at the Moldy Carpet when they meet the Kansas City Cheaps in Toilet Bowl  V,  February 7^th.   LOCATION TBA.

Over in Kansas City, the Cheaps just narrowly outlast the Jacksonville Gaguars in what was a wild final weekend as both teams pulled out all the stops.  The Gags, against the Titanics,  allowed 2 punt return TDs and TWO interception return TDs, which is just jaw dropping determination to get into the god damned Toilet Bowl, but it wasn’t enough!   The Cheaps countered with another game of professional anemia in the kind of touchdown-less drubbing other wannabes can only dream of,  getting trampled by the Broncos, 38-3. 

The Cheaps are worse in almost every category than the Gags, and had the harder schedule- as in, they played a lot more really really really bad teams and still managed to lose almost every single week.  You try losing to the Raiders twice and the Chargers twice.  That’s serious Doormat Cred, and we’ve got the Cheaps wallpaper all ready to go.

But don’t count out the Eagles, because, boy whew howdy.

FINAL STANDINGS

NFC

PHILADELPHIA     4-12       -164

DETROIT                4-12        -65

U. OF PHOENIX     5-11        -107

TAMPA BAY          7- 9         -5

NEW ORLEANS     7-9          +7

AFC

KANSAS CITY        2-14      -214

JACKSONVILLLE   2-14     -189

OAKLAND               4-12     -153

CLEVELAND           5-11     -66

TENNESSEE            6-10     -141

KUDOS AND DUBIOUS ACCOMPLISHMENTS

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHO!!!!!

An astounding 3 teams climbed up out of the muck this year.  The Vikings, Redskins,

Colts were all 10 CLUB (10 losses) members in 2011, and all three have made the playoffs, with the Redskins going so far as to win their division.   The Vikings beat 4 teams with winning records, which is almost unheard of in turn-around seasons (the Lions didn’t do it once last year).   

REDSKINS:  The Shanaplan is impressive.  I’ve always kinda liked to hate this guy, football fan style, but I gotta say the ‘Skins are really fun to watch.  The Read-Option offense looks like some kinda street ball and with RGIII running the show, it just looks like good ol’ fun football.  I would want to play on that team.

VIKINGS:  Last year, the Yikings led the league with 9 come-from-ahead losses. They were terrible.  This year, Adrien Peterson  runs over the entire league, narrowly missing the all-time record for rushing yards, and Christian Ponder pulls himself together and the Vikes win the last four games to crash the playoff party. Add in knocking the Packers down a peg in the playoff seed while pullng off the W yesterday, it’s a warm, fuzzy 14º day in Minneapolis….but let’s remember this is the team that is 0-4 in the Super Bowl, and they always, always ALWAYS find a way to blow it.  Their only chance at the trophy is if the Bills get there too.   And the Bills are already off to the golf course today.  Though I live in 49er land, when I was  kid, I owned a Viking helmet and jersey.  I’ve just learned to assume the worst.  

COLTS:  The tanking-est team in the NFL last season, the DOLTS prove they weren’t that bad (and also prove it was worth it to get Andrew Luck) going from 2-14 to 11-5, and looking like the best team in the AFC South yesterday, clobbering the reeling Houston Texans, who right now look like the charlatans of the league.  All hat and no cattle.

SPECIAL MENTION:  The CINCINNATI BENGALS have back–to-back winning seasons for the first time since before Shirly Temple Black was ambassador to Czechoslovakia.  31 years.  

THE TEN CLUB

If you don’t have 10 losses, you aren’t REALLY BAD.   You don’t fire your coach (usually) and you don’t get our respect.  Except for the Chargers, who would have easily gone 2-14 if they didn’t have to play the Cheaps and the Raydurz.  The Chargers fired everybody, most likely including their PR czar, who ran up the embarrassment flag over at Blots headquarters at mid-season, insulting the fans and giving away the game about just what this team was really trying to accomplish.  They didn't make it, though!  7-9, and the worst 7-9 team...but so what.  You guys aren't even bad enough to get membership in the Basement.  Boo.

 The marquee game for the 10 Club yesterday was the Bills-Jets, as the Jets just laid down and got run over by the Bills, getting both of them membership at 6-10.  Both clubs deserved to be in, but the AFC East was a tough place to lose 10, so hats off to the Nils and Nyets!  Rex Ryan couldn’t even get himself fired.  Now that’s amazing.

HERE THEY ARE:

The returning members:

CLEVELAND BROWNIES (5-11):  5 years in a row now.  The Senior member of the Club.  The President.  The keeper of the Basement Patio BBQ flame.  This year? Not Super Bad, but bad enough. GM and coach heads rolled.   The Brownie tradition continues.  There is a sliver of hope on the horizon, especially if the Steelers continue to get worse.  Chomps is still the mascot, and who wants a svelte captain of the Dawg Pound?  It’s just wrong.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-14):  Two years in a row.  What can you say?  A franchise effort, top to bottom, year-in, year-out.  No firing yet.  Somehow, they went 8-8 two years ago.  They worked out the kinks this year, but still could not snag the Doormat AFC crown.  Curses!  

BUFFALO BILLS:  The Nils make the 10 Club on the next to last week of the season, one ahead of last year. WOW.  That’s 4 years running.  Fire the head coach! Off with his head!  That’ll fix it.

New Members:

OAKLAND RAIDERS (4-12):  yesterday the Raiders fired everybody except the head coach.   It’s a complete rethink for the Silver and Blacked out, but until the Davis family finds an exit strategy, I forsee darkness in the cystal ball, and the Raiders will continue to be prisoners of their own Black Hole.  The Curse of Chucky continues.    Guess who they need to hire as coach.  One guess. I’m tired of seeing that smirk in the broadcast booth.  I want it on the sidelines. 

KANAS CITY CHEAPS (2-12):  That’s right, they only went 7-9 last year, though we were screaming that they were far worse.  They finally got there this year.  With Jim Zorn as QB coach, look for more horrible, bumbling QB play.  Unless they already fired him, along with Romeo Crennel.  Romeo even whipped out a crutch yesterday to garner some sympathy, but it didn’t work.   The Chiefs need new QB, and new receivers, and probably new everything.   Piece of cake.  

DETROIT KITTENS (4-12):  Last year’s underdog-turned-hero,  everybody overlooked the fact that they never beat a team with a winning record.   This year, they couldn’t beat anybody.  The Kitties stink it up at the Kat Box, narrowly missing the NFC Championship, and the bags come out in Lion-Land again.  Welcome back, guys, we saved a spot on the sofa for ya.  So far, no head coach firing.  The entire defense could get sacked, though.  What a bunch of posers.

UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX CARDINALS (5-11):  GM and coach fired!  Really, this team is worse than the Eagles , but they pummeled the Pheebs 27-6 back in Week 3, when they were leading the NFC West.  Remember that?  I don’t.  The Crudinals have a looooooong way to go, so they might as well go down.  This team could be a Moldy Carpet champ next year if it all goes according to plan.

TENESSEE TITANICS (6-10):  Even with yesterday’s evidence that they are no match for the Jaguars,  the Titanics make it back to the 10 Club, and did it with style, getting blown out numerous times, twice giving up 50+ points, and losing by more than 30 five times. 

NY JETS (6-10):   Mark Sanchez in a straight-across trade for Alex Smith?  Alex starts and Sanchez has to battle for 2^nd string on the Niners?  What a pipe-dream, New York.  You’ve got a TERRIBLE TEAM.

WELL, THAT”S GONNA HAVE TO DO IT FOR TODAY!  We’ll be back with the final Awards for the Doormat All-Stars.   I gotta go lie down now and  recover from 8 days in a duck blind. 

aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!

THE DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 10 WRAP-UP and Dinner Cereal

PERFECTION!

Jaguars 17, Colts 3

The Dolts and the Gaguars started this game with a bang yesterday- dueling interceptions. The Dolt’s Chris Painter hurls an interception on the third play of the game, setting up the Gaguars at the Indy 18 yard line. No problem- the Gaguars retaliated immediately, with QB Blaine Gabbert gift wrapping an INT on the very next play. The crowd settled in..slumped might be the word. This week, though, the Dolts were only able to string together 4 punts in a row (still a league leading 60), which is pretty average, though they were able to toss in a punt reception interference call to set up the Gags in excellent field position for their first field goal. Dolts avoid scoring a touchdown.

The Gaguars, even with the bye week to get themselves unprepared, could not match the Dolts in this huge AFC South face-off. Putting together a long 16-play 86 yard drive in the 3^rd quarter (gold star to Dolts for for illegal use of hands penalty on 3^rd and 11 sack of Gabbert, keeping drive alive), was really out of character. In a game like this, holding the ball for more 5-6 plays is really kind of gauche. The Dolts only got the ball 4 times in the entire second half, but made hay with those, with the gold medal going to the fumble at their 8-yard line with 4:48 left in the 4^th. The Gags fell into the endzone, and the Dolts get past the only real threat to their quest for the perfect season and the Moldy Carpet trophy (which is curing now in the store room here in the basement- don’t go in there). 0-10 and looking unbeatable..unwinnable..un…the Dolts now have a 2 ½ game lead on Miami, who are clearly losing their way, winning two weeks in a row.

The Bonehead Forest!

Rams 13, Browns 12

It was an exciting morning at the Brownie Bake-Sale, what with the new line of Chomps Dinner Cereal laid out, smorgasborg-style, on the Basement bar. I tried them all, but I think my favorite was ‘leftovers.’ Tasted very realistic. Also good was ‘regular,’ which, I’m pretty sure, is ‘dog food.’ Ever see that Jane Fonda movie where she feeds her cat, and then licks the spoon? Oscar performance moment.

And speaking of dog food, the Brownies utilize their kicking game again to go for the loss, and THIS TIME it worked, shanking a field goal from point blank range with 2 minutes to go to pull out the loss against one of the most formidable opponents in the Doormat. The Brownies are like beginning piano students- they can’t repeat something simple more than 4 times without screwing up. Here’s their drives for the game:

punt, FG, punt, FG, punt, FG, punt, FG, punt……MISSED FIELD GOAL!! Wait, let me try that again!

This was a one-touchdown kind of game, and the Lambs got it early, at the top of the second quarter. Both teams did as little as possible in the 2^nd half. Lambs have now won 2 games, and fall into a tie with the Carolina Pansies (and most likely the Yikings after tonight) for first place in the NFC doormat.

THE REST OF THE GAWDS OF GAWDAWFUL

Broncos 17, Chiefs 10

Tim Tebow throws 8 passes, completes 2 (one for a touchdown), the Buncos run the ball 237 times and the Cheaps have no answer for mediocrity. Except terrible coaching. That’s their answer for everything. The Cheaps descend to 4-5, and are exhausted from all that winning they had earlier this year. It’s going to be hard for either of these teams to really go on a losing tear, because the AFC West is all about sharing.

Cardinals 21, Eagles 17

I’m really not sure why we still keep picking the Pheebles to blow out bad teams. They ARE a bad team. And, let’s admit it, this is the most fun bad team to watch this year, because they went out and bought a bunch of pro-bowl free agents, had no training camp, and it’s 53 guys all on their own page of inflated over-confidence. It’s like the Miami Heat, except they’re really stinking up the joint. In Philly. Boo!!!

It takes some real planning to make the Crudinals look good, but 123 yards passing, a Sack-&-Fumble coupled with an INT on the next possession, a tidal wave of penalties (11), and a defense more porous than a baseball coach’s sunburned shnozz, the Pheebles had it all worked out. Pheebles whip off 8 punts, which ties them with Carolina (excellent company) for punting honors in Week 10. Pheebles have now blown 5 fourth quarter leads, which really puts them ahead of the Yikings for most stirring Come From Ahead losses.

They’ve got a spot right next to the Deadskin at the Bar now in the basement, and we really wish they were playing each other next week, just to settle who gets which stool, but we have to wait until Jan. 1^st to see who scrapes the bottom of the NFC East. Crudinals now 3-6 but only a game off the pace for first place in the Doormat NFC.

Seahawks 22, Ravens 17

Boy, the Ravens sure can play a crummy game, huh? Clearly looking past the Hags to next week’s big one against the Bengals, the Ravens blow their chance to take over the

AFC North, and the Seahags fall into a victory that they had not prepared for.

Titanics 30, Panthers 3

The Pansies have improved- they’re just plain losing now. Forget the shanked FG at the end of regulation. Just turn in a complete stinker and be done with it. Pansies tied for first in the Doormat NFC.

Dolphins 20, Redskins 9

The Deadskins bring back Rex Grossman from the scalp pile and throw him into the ocean, where the Floppers are waiting in sack formation. Deadskin coach Mike Shanahan loses 5 straight for the first time in his career, so we all recognize his determination and grit for Doormat glory. Floppers playing good ball, Deadskins not.

FAMILIAR FACES

Special shout-outs to the Detroit Kittens, who are starting to look real familiar, and the Buffalo Nils, who are really teetering on the edge of the Basement steps. Both got blown out yesterday and looked nothing like the teams that started off the season on fire.

Kudos, also, to the Tampa Bay Bucs, who crumbled to 4-5 yesterday, and looked every bit like the worst best worst team of Week 10…if you don’t count the Dolts…or the Brownies….or..nevermind.

NFL WORST STATS FOR WEEK 10!

Points: 3 Pansies, DOLTS

First Downs 12 Buccaneers

Yards 212 Dolts

Rush 41 Saints

Pass 69 Denver (and the WON)

Turnovers 4 Buccaneers

Sacked 5 Dolts and 4 other teams

Punts 8 Pansies, Pheebles

Penalties 13-100 Seahags

avg.yard poss 17.6 Dolts

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!

The Eagle Has Landed

Bears 30, Eagles 24

Oh, lord. Guys, the guy with the eagle is back. Mr. Pheebles. I think he’s been on the patio all night. I can see him peering into the sliding glass window, rapping, gently rapping at our chamber door. He needs clothes (other than the green undies). Making matters worse, I already gave up his seat at the bar to the Native American guy, who really didn’t like the newspapers with eagle droppings on it. Chomps is sleeping (but growling anyway) on the orange couch; the Dolt is, as far as I can tell, in a coma in the barcalounger; and the second couch I found on the street yesterday (the blue and gold one with the Kurt Warner poster shoved into the cushions) is still in the ‘Little Wretch’ (the Datsun pickup)...and it rained all night. Also, from my perch here on the basement stairs, I can see somebody has dumped a Raider Helmet phone, a Raider plaque, Raider shot glasses and a Raiders hard hat into the BBQ. They look half melted. I’m going back upstairs.

The Loss Leaders- The NFL's WORST STATS WEEK 5!!

The Loss Leaders: The NFL’s Worst Stats! Week 6, 2011

Five weeks is a fair and balanced chunk of time to establish your credentials in the NFL….for the basement! If you can’t fumble the game away by now, you probably aren’t going to do it.

THIRD DOWN CONVERSIONS

If you can’t make a first down, you can at least help the other team get some. It’s only fair.

The new kings of the Basement, the Colts are leading the league in 3^rd down conversions given up 49.3%. WOW. It must feel like 99% in Coltville.

Miami and St. Louis are duking it out for First Worst in converting their own 3^rd downs at

26.5% and 27.9%, respectively. If respect has anything to do with it. Unfortunately, they will not be playing each other, a real Doormat let-down. But the Lambs DO get the Seahags (33%) Nov.20^th. That should be a real…long tailgate. I’ll just have one more brat..and a beer….and watch a cooking show.

MOST INTERCEPTIONS

Everybody loves this one, and it’s a helluva battle.

Kyle Orton and Philip Rivers faced off last week in the Battle for What Are Our Colors Again?, and Rivers took the lead in the first half, only to see Orton respond with a costly INT in the second half. Tied at 7! But, unbeknownst to them, on the other side of the country, Eagles QB Michael Vick throws an incredible FOUR interceptions in week 5, and finishes the day with 7 INTs on the year. WOW! Throw in 2 more by the back-up, and you’ve got a league leading 9 for the Feebles.

Interceptions, player:

Vick, Eagles, 7

Orton, Broncos, 7

Rivers, Chargers, 7

Bradford, Rams, 6 (he’s a game behind, so give him a chance)

Interceptions, Team

Eagles, 9 (Eagles have more INTs than passing TDs)

Broncos, 7

Cardinals, 7

Cowboys, 7

Chargers, 7

I put the Chargers at the bottom, because they have a winning record. Pfftt!

LOWEST QB RATING, TEAM:

If you can get it under 60, your offense is hitting on all the burnt out cylinders.

I mean, your line stinks, your coach stinks, and your quarterback really ought to be backing up somebody else. I hear Mark Rypien’s daughter is tearing up the Lingerie league.

1. Jacksonville Jaguars 58.7

2 Rams 69.7

Lowest? Eagles backup QB, Mike Kafka (47.7). Unless he undergoes some sort of METAMORPHOSIS, Vick’s job is safe.

NFL WORST Doormat QB All Star:

QB Sam Bradford, St. Louis Lambs! 70.8 rating, 19 sacks (1^st) , 5.6 yards per attempt (1^st), and 48.7 (1^st) completion average. How many milliseconds is Sam getting to drop back and throw before the tidal wave hits him on every play? Yow! He’s got Happy Feet! Not happy enough. The Rams running game has left them, so…duck. It’s gonna be a looooooooooooong season in St. Louis.

Most Times SACKED

Getting dropped on your ass tells us a lot about a team, mostly that the offensive line is a bit too fat, a bit too slow, doesn’t really like the QB, nobody’s open, and the QB holds the ball waaaaaaaaay too long.

1. Bradford, Rams 19 (some say 18, some say 19)

2. Jay “Hold ‘Em” Cutler, Bears, 18

3. Kevin Kolb, Cardinals, 16

4. Rothlisberger, Steelers 15

5. Whoever, Miami 14

A GOOD KICK IN THE TEETH

Runback yardage, most allowed.

The Carolina Panthers (Pansies) come in with a whopping 27 yards of return for every punt they kick. Nobody else even comes close. Think about this. Even if not EVERY punt gets run back 30 yards, MOST of them are. Even if you kick it to the 15, your opponent brings it out to the 42. That’s insane. Cam Newton can throw all the touchdowns he likes. He’s not going to win when the other team gets to start in his front yard.

Most Punts

This is the Boring Game meter. If you can get over the magic 7 punts a game, you are in a class by yourself! This means not only are you bad, you’re a stiff. Nobody’s there yet, but the Seahags have the inside track.

1. Seahawks, 33 6.6 (avg. per game)

2. Bengals, 32 6.4

3. Jets 31 6.2

4. Bears 30

Yep, there’s some of the most boring teams in the league, right there.

[The Bungles have opened the season playing nothing but Doormats (but losing to the resurgent 49ers and Bills), so don’t give up on them yet. They’ve got some ‘L’s left in them.]

Punt Average

And, the ONLY way to lead the league in punting (avg yards, that is) is to have a team that can’t get over the 40 yard line most of the time. It’s fun to be on a loser if you’re the punter. You become the most important guy on the team.

1. Andy Lee, San Francisco 51.6 This won’t last if they keep winning.

2. Brian Colquitt, Denver Broncos 50.7 That’s having a LOT of field to work with

PENALTIES!

If you can’t lose the old-fashioned way, by just getting run over, call for the yellow hanky play. Give the other guys as many chances as possible. They deserve it.

Most FIRST DOWNS given up by Penalty

This stat is the real killer in penalty land. Just when you think they’re punting, you give them another set of downs. The Oakland Raiders come in so far in front on this, it’s not even a contest.

1. Raiders 22

2. Cardinals 13

3. Tampa Bay 12

The Raiders always commit a lot of penalties, but somehow they are winning anyway. It’s going to catch up with them. Unless, of course, they just keep pulvering the other teams to the point where they really don’t wanna be on the field anymore. Funny how that works.

MOST PENALTIES:

1. Oakland Raiders 10 per game!

2. Tampa Bay 8.8

3. Chicago 8.6

4. Seattle 8.2

RUSHING YARDS GIVEN UP

You can get away with giving up a lot of yards in the air, as long as you stop them somewhere (bend but don’t break), but you can’t let them run over you. It’s demoralizing, and it eats up the clock. You end up on the field all night long, and pretty soon you just give up.

Our leaders are a who’s who of the Doormat Division:

1. Rams 179.8 (Lord have mercy on their fans)

2. Colts 145.2

3. Eagles 140.2

4. Bills 138.4

Bills keeping afloat by just scoring so damn fast it doesn’t matter. Them and the Lions. Lions only give up 114 a game, though, so look for them to win more often.

RUSHING YARDS, PERIOD

Tired of watching your guy run into the line…and falling backward? Anything under 100 yards is anemic.

1. Titans 66.6 yards per game.

2. Jets 76.2 holy mother Mary this team is boring.

3. Colts 82

4. Seahawks 83

5. Giants 83.8

6. Browns 85.8

7. Cowboys 86.8

8. Rams 92.8

Somehow the Titans are 3-2, as are the Giants. Their defense is bailing them out, and the passing is just getting them over. Without Peyton Manning, the Colts are TOAST.

The GIVE AND TAKE

Remember, if they give you the ball, be charitable, and give it right back.

The Philadelphia Feebles come in WAY WAY WAY ahead in the Giveaway Takeaway Derby, with a -10 total. Good old Michael Vick, dancing around with a bread loaf, putting on the turf (7 times) or chucking it up there for whoever. What a giver.

1. Feebles -10

2. Cowpies -4

3. Crudinals -4

The Feebles lead the league in interceptions AND fumbles (7). It’s just a one-man wrecking crew over there. He makes the rushing yards look good, but what’s it matter if you don’t have the ball after all that prancing around?

What’s it all mean?

Here’s what it means: The Rams really are a well rounded bad team. Ditto the Colts, though I think they are improving at QB. The Jets really should lose a boatload. Look for them to make it in the 10 club. The Eagles are shooting themselves in the foot better than any team in the league. Keep it up, and they rule the NFC Basement. But, right now, the Lambs are far more consistently, and institutionally, bad.

aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!

NFL Doormats Week 5 Predictions

Surely the Philadelphia Eagles will find a way to stay in the air and out of the cellar, but they sure do look like a doormat these days, especially because they have managed to mostly beat themselves like repentent monks slapping their heads with wooden boards with their sins engraved on them ("Fumbled in the Endzone," "Forgot to block anybody").

And this might be a turning point in history for the Eagles (Beagles? Sparrows? Eeekles?) because this week they get to play a team that is storming its way out of the basement, the Buffalo Nils. Can Vick lay a giant Eagle egg and throw for another 400 yards and lose again and look like a loser doing it? Or will the Eagles finally get off the ground and eat a mouse or two? Only an afternoon on the couch with nachos will tell.

And speaking of the couch, it's time to settle down on the old brown sofa with the beer stains, check the schedule, and make this week's NFL Week 5 predictions. No spinning turkey this week. The Oracle is going to be much more scientific. He's checking the odds in Vegas.

Cheaps- 18
Dolts- 21
Yes, the Dolts will finally win a game. If they don't, it's 0-5 and they really will be looking like a dark horse for the Moldy Carpet.

Crudinals- 2
Yikings- 3
Jeeze, I really can't predict this game. How bad can it get? This might be the best game of the week for the Doormat Division. Seriously, Yikes lose.

Seahags- 14
Giants- 36

Saints- 36
Pansies- 17

Bungles- 28
Gaguars- 31

Bolts- 21
Buncos- 10

And one other game this week, the Jets (Zepplins?) and the Patsies, this should be the top game of the week, in a perfect network NFL world, but these guys are both smelling a little ripe this year. I think these teams are starting to turn. No Doormat Division for these guys, but look for a really bad game here.

Gentlemen, make your predictions!