NFL Doormats Week 5 Predictions

Surely the Philadelphia Eagles will find a way to stay in the air and out of the cellar, but they sure do look like a doormat these days, especially because they have managed to mostly beat themselves like repentent monks slapping their heads with wooden boards with their sins engraved on them ("Fumbled in the Endzone," "Forgot to block anybody").

And this might be a turning point in history for the Eagles (Beagles? Sparrows? Eeekles?) because this week they get to play a team that is storming its way out of the basement, the Buffalo Nils. Can Vick lay a giant Eagle egg and throw for another 400 yards and lose again and look like a loser doing it? Or will the Eagles finally get off the ground and eat a mouse or two? Only an afternoon on the couch with nachos will tell.

And speaking of the couch, it's time to settle down on the old brown sofa with the beer stains, check the schedule, and make this week's NFL Week 5 predictions. No spinning turkey this week. The Oracle is going to be much more scientific. He's checking the odds in Vegas.

Cheaps- 18
Dolts- 21
Yes, the Dolts will finally win a game. If they don't, it's 0-5 and they really will be looking like a dark horse for the Moldy Carpet.

Crudinals- 2
Yikings- 3
Jeeze, I really can't predict this game. How bad can it get? This might be the best game of the week for the Doormat Division. Seriously, Yikes lose.

Seahags- 14
Giants- 36

Saints- 36
Pansies- 17

Bungles- 28
Gaguars- 31

Bolts- 21
Buncos- 10

And one other game this week, the Jets (Zepplins?) and the Patsies, this should be the top game of the week, in a perfect network NFL world, but these guys are both smelling a little ripe this year. I think these teams are starting to turn. No Doormat Division for these guys, but look for a really bad game here.

Gentlemen, make your predictions!