RAGNAROK IN
MINNEAPOLIS!!!!!
VIKINGS 24, 49ers 13
Ragnar was shaking the hands of the vanquished yesterday,
and the gloating was never better.
Crowned the best team in the NFL by just about everybody last week, the
49ers waltz into MALL of AMERICA Field and get MAULED by supposedly the worst
team in the NFC Central, the Minnesota Yikings.
The Niners turn it over 3 times, the replacement officials
make the Doormat proud as usual, and the Yikes do the smart thing early- rush
Alex Smith right up the middle.
The Yikes make no turnovers, and the game was over as soon as the 49ers
started believing the hype, which was probably last Tuesday. Christian Ponder looked very sharp.
The Vikings always play the 49ers tough, and this was no
exception. The Vikes just barely
lost their first two games, and now it looks like Detroit has to worry about
staying out of the basement. Let’s
see what happens when divisional play starts up.
Hats off and a can of stale PBR raised sorta high to the
Minnesota Vikings for pulling off the Upset of the Week!! Enjoy it, Minnesota, who knows
when you will win again?
GAME OF THE WEEK
JAGUARS 22, COLTS 17
OK, that’s enough of that winning stuff. Yesterday’s tilt in Indy was the
marquee Doormat game. It didn’t
disappoint. Let’s cut to the second half, where the wheels came off, with the
Dolts leading 14-3.
The Gaguars
tried valiantly to keep the scoring to field goals only, but the Dolts
secondary counters with a total lack of communication, busting Maurice
Jones-Drew free for a 59-yard jaunt in the third quarter. TD! The Dolts respond with an interception from Andrew Luck-
he’s starting to get the hang of those- and the Jags mortar-fire in a 47 yard
prayer of a FG to make it 14-13, still managing to keep the Dolts in the
lead.
Undaunted, the Dolts punt immediately. As the 3rd quarter wanes,
the Gags start a ‘drive’ on their own 15, and the Dolts pull a 3-penalty
defense, hauling the Gags butts over the 50-yard line and deep into Dolts
territory. The Gags counter with
their own penalty, but it was no match for the Dolts strategy. The Gags finally dig in their
heels and stop the drive at the Indy 8. They have no choice but to kick the field goal and
TAKE THE LEAD, 16-14.
The Gags then counter with some porous defense, and a
perfectly timed Unnecessary Roughness yellow hanky, landing the Dolts way down
at the Gags 22. 3 inept
plays later, the Dolts line up for a field goal, but it’s dangerously close, so
they take the Delay of Game penalty, and Vinatieri has enough room to shank the
damn thing into the locker room tunnel. Whew!
Gags still up 16-14.
Then, 3 hard fought punts later, the Gags open up a lane for
Luck and D. Brown scampers down to the Jacksonville 28. Only 1:33 left. The Gags use up every single
timeout, trying to look earnest, and guide the Dolts down to the 19, and no
delay of game shenanigans this time from Indy (you can’t do that twice it’s too
obvious), and Vinatieri trys to shank it, but connects and the ball just
scrapes past the left upright.
Dolts 17- Gags 16.
Fifty-six seconds left and no timeouts. Game over right? Not even close. The Dolts have the secret weapon-
their circus of a defensive secondary.
Only these guys can ‘lose track’ of a short crossing route and turn it
into the longest play of the game.
Blaine Gabbert dumps a shorty over the middle to Cecil Shorts III, and
Shorts has no place to go but ALL THE WAY. Gags blow the 2-point conversion, dangling the
tantalizing chance of still losing right there for everyone to gawk at. Gags 22- Dolts 17
45 ticks left.
The Gags show what their made of on the kick-off, getting the Dolts out
to the Indy 38. Luck then makes a
desperate heave that connects all the way down to the Gags 26. Just think, if Vinatieri had made
that earlier field goal, all they gotta do is try another. What planning. Instead, Luck gets to try his first
consecutive NFL Hail-Marys, all for nought, and the Dolts nail down the loss.
WHAT A GAME!!
TOTAL STINKER
CHARGERS 3,
FALCONS 27
The Chargers check in with the #1 Doormat performance of the
week, even if they are 2-1. Hey,
it’s early yet. Give them
time. 4 turnovers (2 and 2)
and that just killed any sort of momentum at all. Why punt when you can just give it back! When did Philip Rivers start randomly
yelling at people, do you suppose?
Imagine him tailgating you on the freeway.
The Rest of the Sorry
Pile
CHIEFS 27, SAINTS 24 (OT)
New Orleans turns in the best Come From Ahead Loss we've seen in ages. Leading 24-6 late in the 3rd quarter, the Aints start the comeback by getting Jamaal Charles (288 yards rushing) to streak down the field on a 91-yard romp. Then the Cheaps do it the cheapest way possible, by adding on 3 field goals and a SAFETY. Good Grief!! The Aints (0-3!!!!) get only 14 first downs, punt 6 times (ok it’s not Brownie
numbers, but still), amass a
meager 288 yards, and show some serious hospitality to the Cheaps, giving them
510 yards of rug. In OT, the Aints
score a touchdown on a fumble return, but the call gets reversed and KC kicks a
field goal and the AINTS are the only winless team in the NFC. Next loss: at Green Bay. Desperation time.
BEARS 23, RAMS 6
Lambs QB Sam Bradford throws 35 times, gets intercepted
twice (one for a TD), sacked six,
and piles up an impressive 101 yards.
Chicago counters with 1 offensive touchdown and a pile of field
goals. They are no match for the
Lambs losing machine. Lambs clean
UP in the statistical categories this week (see below.)
CARDINALS 27, EAGLES 6
The Crudinals, picked by many to be the class of the Doormat
NFC teams, are 3-0 and in first in the NFC West. The Feebles, on the other hand, are 2-1 but I dunno,
man. Michael Vick can really
do the killer fumble, and he’s on pace to set a record if he keeps this
up. He loses two more
yesterday, and, once again, the Eagles don’t play up to their expected
potential. Maybe they need to dial
it down a little.
The last time the Crudinals were 3-0, Jim Hart was QB, Terry
Metcalf was at RB and Mel Gray was going long.
TITANS 44, LIONS
41 (OT)
These teams combined for 46 points in the 4th
quarter yesterday. That’s
insane. This morning, they are
both 1-2 and looking like candidates to get blown out by the good teams. The Lions are finding creative
ways to lose. They have a porous
defense. They dig holes and have
to climb out of them. The
Kittens pile up 583 yards of offense, and lose. Tennessee punted ONCE.
BILLS 24, BROWNS 14
The Brownies were in this game. But they weren’t going to let the Nils break the
streak. Rookie Brandon
Weeden checks in with 2 more INTs, bringing him to 6 for the season against 3
TDs. That’s Doormat all-star
numbers. Eight punts for the
Brownies. Ball goes up….ball goes
down…ball goes up… Next
loss: Thursday in Baltimore.
RAIDERS 34, STEELERS 31
Raydurzz get up off the mat, and with the Black Hole
screaming like crazy, and the game inexplicably on TV locally, the Silver and
Black avert going down the Black Hole for the rest of the season. Stay tuned.
COWBOYS 16, BUCANNEERS 10
The Bootineers
might have the worst offense in the league. 12 first downs,
166 total yards. Get out
the orange unis!! December 23rd- Lambs vs. Boots. Could decide the whole Moldy Carpet for
the NFC.
JETS 23, DOLPHINS (OT)
Was every game in overtime yesterday? The Floppers were up against it
yesterday, as the Jets-Bills-Flops battle in the east is going to make it tough
to lose a ton. But they still got
it done. Now they have to worry
about New England, who pulled out another loss yesterday.
BENGALS 38, REDSKINS 31
The last time the Deadskins were 1-2 this early in the season
was…2010. Even with RGB III in
there, the Deadskins are showing consistency. Bungles 2-1.
They went 9-7 last year.
They haven’t had two straight winning seasons since 1980-81. I kid you not. They have a LONG way to go.
THE WORST STATS NFL WEEK 3
2012
Points: 3 Chargers
First downs: 12 Rams, Bucs
Total yards: 160 Rams
Rush: 33 Brownies
Pass: 91 Bucs
Turnovers: 4 Chargers
Sacked: 6 Rams,
Reddskins
Punts: 8 Browns,
Bucs, Redskins
Penalties: 14 Ravens
(and they WON)
Time of poss: 23:45 Raiders
(edging the Chargers by 1 second).
aaAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!
