WEEK ELEVEN BLOW OUT BLOW UP BLOW IT

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 11

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA
Whiners      3-7           139 - 252

Kittens        3-7           185 - 274

Cowboys    3-7            190 - 228

daBares       4-6           214 - 251

Deadskins   4-6           221 - 253

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Browns      2-8            186 - 277

Titanics      2-8            182 - 233

Chargers     2-8           213 - 282

Cravens      3-6            226 - 249

Dolphins     4-6            205 - 249

Gaguars      4-6            211 – 268

THE ABSURDITY OF IT ALL

What’s it say about your league when the Deadskins are only one game out of the Moldy Carpet chase and yet are simultaneously solidly in the NFC playoff hunt?* There are FIVE teams in the NFC at 4-6, and all of them have a shot at making the playoffs.  Over in the AFC, it’s even more dramatic, as 5-5 gets you the wildcard right now.  This means if you are 3-7, you can still dream of Moldy Carpet glory and a Parity Division entry into the NFL Playoffs, where you could even BEAT somebody with a losing record.  The NFC East and AFC South have the chance to wind up with a champion with a losing record. Woo-Hoo!

* What it says is that the Doormat Division is taking over the NFL, and they really should do things our way now. 

And speaking of doing things our way….

BENGALS 31, CARDINALS 34

Sure it was close.  Sure it was a last second loss to another division leader.  Sure.  Do you think the fans in Cincinnati are listening to that?  This is the team that went 22 years without two years in a row with a winning record.  After last week’s total stumble against the Toxins (who, actually, look like they’ve had enough of being a really crummy team, thank you), the Bungles rack up another loss, this one far more galling, and, after interviewing a few Bungle fans, believe me, they wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t win another game all season.  Bungles are our Throwback Doormat of the Week. They get the Barcalounger on Thursday.

LIONS 18,  RAIDERS 13

Ah, it was just three short weeks ago the Raiders were in the rarified air of 4-3 and looked like everybody’s new young exciting team.  Yesterday at the Kat Box the Raiders and Lions- the two worst teams of the last decade- tried valiantly to give the game to the other team for the entire 4^th quarter, and it wasn’t until the Raiders committed a hold in the end zone for a safety that the Lions cried uncle, and took the win. 

The Silver and Blacked Out have made some necessary adjustments, and now whatever ‘mo’ their offense had 3 weeks ago has been completely frozen in space. Wow! Offenseive coordinator Bill “Musty” Musgrave has really dialed it down to zero on the planning and imagination axis. 3 straight losses, each with less offense, and with the defense having problems covering anything on the corners- bubble screens, tight ends, cheerleaders- opposing teams just need to, uh, take advantage.  The Lions nearly did. Give Detroit some credit, though, as the Raiders fumbled three times, and the Kittens didn’t recover a single one.  Lions fall into 3-way tie for first, trailing the Niners, who have a far worse point differential.

EAGLES 17,  BUCS 45

The Bucs, coming off their gritty 10-6 Doormat grapple (and win) against the Cowboys, run into a buzzsaw in Philly, completely unprepared for the Feeble’s big play defense.  The Eagles “D” (emphasis on the quotation marks) drew up open lanes every where the Bucs turned- huge runs of 84 and 58 yards in the first half, wide open receivers in alarmingly close end zones, piling up a rookie record 5 TD passes to 5 different receivers for Bucs QB Jameis Winston.  The Bucs win two in a row for the first time in 2 years.  The Feebles are still only one game out of first in the NFC East.  Har!

CHARGERS 3, CHIEFS 33

For a while it was entertaining losing.  Char QB Philip Rivers would rack up 300+ yards and still lose.  That’s now over.  The Chars get broiled by the Chiefs, and get only 149 yards passing, and do nothing all day for the home fans.  Clearly they are already in ‘stretch run’ mentality, are bearing down with laser focus on racking up losses and nobody is going to stop them.  It’s really a shame the Browns are not on the schedule.  That’s your Doormat AFC Championship game right there.

DEADSKINS 16, PANTHERS 44

Well, that was a piece o’ cake.  It was trouble in the 1^st quarter, as the Panthers gave the ‘Skins a bomb for a touchdown and greased the field for a 99-yard kickoff return, but they were just goofing.  After, that, the ‘Skins took charge and kept the first downs to 9, fumbled FIVE times, losing four, and just laid a bomb on the Panthers that nobody could withstand, even if you are undefeated.

49ers 13, SEAHAGS 29

The Whiners amassed 38 yards in the first 28 minutes.  It was so boring Seahawk fans nearly forgot to try to drown out the canned crowd noise. A Seahawk team that has trouble doing much of anything is guided to 508 total yards by an increasingly experienced Doormat 49er defense.  This was a professional, workmanlike missing-on-all-pistons loss.  Niners move into tie with Lions for first place.  The big game will be December 27^th at the Kat Box.  They should be 3-11 by then, though they have to play the Browns, which could be serious trouble.  Niners finally clear 100 points in point differential,  139-252 (113). 

DOLPHINS 14, COWBOYS 24

Oh, Tony Romo’s back, and that pretty much ends the Doormat party for the Cows.  The Flops, at 4-6, are coming on with gusto, but have a rough schedule ahead with the Jets, the Ravens, the Giants, the Chargers, and the Colts all posing tough challenges to nail down losses.  They’re going to have to pull out all the stops to lose all of those.  I don’t see it happening.

RAVENS 16, RAMS 13

I’m pretty sure the Ravens thought they had this in the bag. Trailing 13-3 entering the 4^th quarter, the Cravens can’t withstand the Ram collapse and run off 13 straight (somewhat straight) points, kick the game winner (curses!) with 00:00 on the clock.  Cravens, now 3-7, drop 3 places in the AFC standings.  Tough luck, guys.  But Joe Flacco is out for the season, so next week’s massive game with the Browns now looks less difficult.

TEXANS  24,  JETS 17

No matter what these guys do, they keep winning games.  QB Brian Hoyer, already a pretty good Doormat QB, goes down.  They stupidly release bumbling QB Ryan Mallett (who couldn’t even find the team plane), but sign ol’ Doormat friend T.J. Yates...and kaboom! They win three in a row.  They just can’t do anything right.  16 punts in this one….SNORRRRRRRRRRRRRRE

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 11, 2015

First Downs:       9        Redskins, Dolphins

TURNOVERS:  5       Redskins

Total turnovers   7        Colts-Falcons

Points:                3       Chargers

Total Yards:        186   ‘Skins

Yards allowed:    521    Eagles

Penalties:        10/137   Ravens

Sacked By:         6-48   Vikings

Punts:                 8       Jets, Texans, Rams

Total Punts:        16     Jets-Texans

3^rd down conversions:  1-10   Dolphins,  2-11  Niners

aaaAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!!

It's Gobble Day and Time for the Turkey of The Week!

Lions and Turkey Just Seem to go Together and Lions should serve up a stiff of a game this year!

It's Thanksgiving this week and so my frozen turkey is all thawed out and I have nothing to spin for predictions, so we will have to go with something far more logical: dice. But before we shake, rattle, and roll my little green and red cubes, let's think about the Turkey of the Week. What better time to find the worst possible football game to watch than Thanksgiving?

First, Thanksgiving day we have three games, two likely to be blowouts and one a real turkey. But between Eagles/Lions, Panthers/Cowboys, and Bears/Packers, this Oracle is picking the Eagles/Lions to be the stiff of Turkey Day. I might have considered the Bears/Packers game, but it looks like Rodgers has them clicking again so look for a beat down blowout we are shoving the dressing all the way out your exhaust pipe stompfest of the Bears by the Pack. Panthers? Romo might make it close, but probably not.

As for the rest of the week? The biggest turkey of a game in week 12 will be one of these:

Raiders/Titans
Chargers/Jaguars
Dolphins/Jets

And the Ravens/Browns don't count because that game is all the way to Monday.

But of the three Sunday games, Chargers/Jaguars are my pick for the Doormat Turkey of the Week.

Fauxmats Highlight NFL Week 11 Predictions

Doormats are doormats and they stay at the door so you can wipe your feet on them. They are especially helpful when your feet find a dog turd in the yard. But some mats find their way in the house and maybe onto the Barcalounger where they drink your beer and smoke your Lucky Strikes. These are fauxmats. And it looks like we have some creeping in through the sliding door. Back on the patio you posers!

Those teams would be:

Buffalo Bills. 5-4? Beat the Pats this weekend and you have no more cred.

Houston Texans. Yes, 4-5 looks bad, but you are in a bad division and you are playing way to well.

Oakland Raiders. A few heartbreakers these last two weeks and reality may be settling in. You could run the table and wind up 4-12, but we doubt it. Driven by a Carr, you guys are not the losers we have come to love.

Washington Redskins. What is the matter with you guys? Have you forgotten how to lose?

Chicago Bears. The biggest fauxmat of the season! After a stellar 0-3 start Cutler suddenly can't find a free safety to throw to anymore and Bears light up three teams in a row. You have completely lost any love you may have had from the Basement Denizens. Off the patio! But leave those Chicago Brats behind. They are good.

Dallas Cowboys. Romo is back. Dallas will win too many games to deserve doormat status. You may be 2-7, but we want you out of here right now.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Only two rookie quarterbacks have ever run for a touchdown and passed for a touchdown in three consecutive games. RG III and Jameis Winston. Buccs are busting out of the basement starting last week.

By the way, has anybody noticed the the AFC South and the NFC East could both have a division winner below .500? Now that is doormat history.

But now for the predictions of the week. The Oracle closes its eyes, hums a few bars of Mason Street Blues, and spins the frozen turkey (got it out today so it will be thawed by Thursday), and here we go:

Titans- 28
Gaguars- 26

Colts- 18
Falcons- 12

Raiders- 17
Lions- 24

Rams- 15
Ravens- 12

Buccaneers- 21
Eagles- 17

Broncos- 3
Bears- 13

Jets- 21
Texans- 18

Cowboys- 28
Dolphins- 24

Chiefs- 17
Chargers- 10 (600 yards of offense)

49ers- 7
Seahawks- 24

Bills- 10 (TD in last minute of game)
Patriots- 21

Gentlemen, make your predictions.

WEEK 10 STANDINGS "DAY OF THE DOORMAT"

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 10

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Kittens        2-7           167 - 261
Cowboys    2-7            166- 214 

Whiners      3-6           126 - 223
daBares       4-5           199 - 234

Bootineers   4-5          191 - 237

Deadskins   4-5           205 - 209

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA
Browns      2-8            186 - 277

Titanics      2-7            169 - 214
Chargers     2-6           191 - 227

Cravens      2-6            210 - 236
Gaguars      3-6            192 - 255
Toxins        3-5*           174 - 205

*Toxins play tonight in Cincinantipasti

DETROIT 18,  GREEN BAY 16

Benching Matt Stafford, the Lions start Matt Stafford in his place.  A shrewd move, but the top level house cleaning last week brought in too much fresh air, and the Lions run into the currently bumbling Packers, resulting in a Puntfest, and no matter how many dumb mistakes they made at the end, and they made a LOT, daring the Packers to pull out a W, Detroit still ends up with the WIN.  Kittens fall into first-place tie with Dallas.  

CHICAGO 37, ST. LOUIS 13

Somebody got daBares angry, and I don't recognize this team. 4-5 and headed straight to Parity.

WASHINGTON 47, SAINTS 14

It's easy to overlook that the Saints are actually a terrible team with a phenomenal QB.  However, 526 Redskin yards later, I think this game brings home the message to everyone.  Saints play ball for one half, and then hand it over to the 'Skins for the Blowout of the Week.

EXIT, STAGE LEFT

VIKINGS 30, RAIDERS 14
Remember when the Yikings were bad?  I sure do.  A wild game through the first half, touchdowns flying everywhere, the Vikes completely shut down the Raider offense, hit 7-2 and are in FIRST in the NFC North Division.  Not the Doormat- the NFC North.  And they're playing their home games outside still, as the Big Prow isn't done yet.  I can't wait for some playoff games on rock hard frozen turf. 

-wacko

WEEK 10 WARP-OUT: EVERYBODY OUT!!

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

It had to happen.  The wife made us clean out The Basement.   The Kittens, the 'Skins, the Boots, daBares, the Flops, the Nils, the Gags, the Yikes, the Cheaps....all kicked out the door after winning all their games today.  Beat it! She's not gonna fill another helmet full of chips and dip for a bunch of poseurs.  Never have so many teams with a losing record pulled off upsets.  

However...not everybody left.   Moving into FIRST PLACE in the NFC Doormat tonight were the hard-charging Dallas Cowboys, pulling into a dead heat with the Detroit Lions, at 2-7.  Seven straight losses, and zero offense!   The Cowboys are doing it the old fashioned way, losing by boring the other team so throughly, that almost nothing happens- except the 'Pokes pull down the loss and skip town.  Losing 10-6 to Tampa Bay in the Stiff of the Week, the Cow-snoozers rope a shoegazing masterpiece, perfect for letting your mind wander, like on the open range, perhaps to contemplate why there is air, since looking down at the field is really just not a good idea.  You're in Moldy Carpet country.

Also sliding into the muck with a thud were the Cleveland Browns, the first team to 8 losses! This was unexpected from the Brownies- sure we thought 10 losses were in play, but THIS.  They could get 13 at this pace. Taking the Blank Helmet offense into Pittsburgh, the Browniers kept the non-win streak going, now at five, with a craftily desultory bomb, losing to the Steel City 30-9.   2 lost fumbles (still looking), an INT, and eighteen penalties for a whopping 188 yards.  Toss in the six sacks for 45 yards, and you've gone backwards for well over TWO FOOTBALL FIELDS.  WOW!!!!!   

Staying hot on the chase in the AFC are the Titans. Exhausted from their victory last week, the Titanics have no trouble dispatching the Carolina Panthers, a team way way off the losing road.  Titans lose with easy 27-10.

THE DOORMAT of  DOORMATS GAME of the WEEK 

was the Ravens and the Jags, and it went down to the wire and yet another tight spot for Joe Flacco and his overthrown balls in the turf that sailed over your head yet rocket into the ground at your feet.  JAGS tried valiantly, but the Cravens, who appeared to have won the game by 1 point, reached out in desperation for anything, and found a face mask, and pulled hard.  Penalty!  And we all know a game can't end on a penalty- the Jags get one more play, kicking a 53 yard field goal with no time on the clock.  Craven-Poes get the loss, losing 22-20.

We shall return tomorrow after the Toxins game, for the final rundown on the phenomenal Sunday of Upsets we had today.

But, right now, we're trying to keep the basement clean for just one night.  

Seeya tomorrow,

AAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!

Defenseless Football Dominates Doormat Docket in NFL Week 10

First of all, hats off to all Veterans for serving and defending our great country!

And speaking of defense, we have some great defenseless football coming up this week. These teams are about as effective defensively as the fence in the photo above will stop the incoming tide.

Let's get right to the most defenseless game in the NFL: Ain'ts vs. Deadskins (that's New Orleans vs Washington for those of you who are not familiar with the Doormat teams.) I am dead serious, there is no defending this game.

The Ain'ts have the worst defending the passer rating in the NFL this season. In fact, they have the worst passer rating defense ever recorded over a 10-game span since the NFL started keeping this stat about 200 years ago. Like the photo above, the New Orleans pass defense has nothing to stop the tsunami of air attacks coming from every team they play. The last two weeks have been especially astonishing: Against Tennessee they gave up 371 yards, 34 points, and not a single sack or interception. The Ain'ts have not sacked anyone in the 4th quarter this year! In week 9 they yielded 350 yards, 6 TDs, no sacks, hurry ups, or interceptions, and a whopping 49 points. But who cares? They have gunslinger Drew Brees outdoing those numbers every week. His passing attempts look like a Kansas City starter pitch count. It reminds me of the Fouts and Coryell era Bolts: just try to score more points than we can, we dare you!

Now for the Skins. It's much less dramatic, but they are ranked 19th in the NFL in total defense and, for the last three weeks--giving up a whopping 90 points--ranked the worst. So they are playing some seriously defenseless football. By the way, after week 9, the 5 most defenseless teams in the NFL are (worst first): NYG, NO, Cleveland, Indianapolis, and SF.

So what happens when two teams who don't even bother to put 11 men on the field while playing defense get together for a doormat tilt? Get ready, because the Deadskins do score when they play a bad defense, and Kirk Cousins can pile up numbers on a good day. Look for a wild game and a final score of NO 46, Wash. 38. It will be defenseless, but fun.

And now for all the other defenseless games this week. The Oracle spins the half empty Bohemian quart--dang I forgot to screw the cap on tight--and here are the predictions:

NO: 46
Wash.: 38

Detroit: 28
Green Bay: 31
(Stafford is benched, team plays real football, but Green Bay too amped up after two losses.)

Kansas City: 21
Denver: 24

Carolina: 35
Tennessee: 10

Chicago: 10
St. Louis: 12

Miami: 17
Philadelphia: 24

Cleveland: 3
Pittsburgh: 17

Dallas: 7
Tampa Bay: 18

Jacksonville: 10
Baltimore: 14

Houston: 13
Cincinnati: 32

Good grief, there is a LOT of DEFENSELESS football going on this year. Only these games are officially doormat-free (Meaning both teams are .500 or better): Arizona/Seattle, New England/NYG, Minnesota/Oakland, Buffalo/NY Jets.

Hey, get the dog in here to lap up this Bohemian foam, will ya?

WEEK NINE WRAP-UP and PEE-YEW TAKE THAT OUT TO THE GARBAGE

BLANKING OUT

Cleveland, city of light...city of magic.   Cleveland, city of light, you're calling me.  Cleveland, even now I can remember, the Cuyahoga River, goes smoking through my dreams- (Randy Newman). 

You know, that's starting to sound like good times.  Could things get any worse over there in the land of NO LOGOS?  Wearing emptiness like a badge, the Cleveland Browns can now express the true Zen in losing, because, by whimpering-beer-bloated Browns Fan, they have meditated on it until their navals starting popping our little Brownie guys.

BROWNS -10, BENGALS 31

Yeah, I know that was way back on Thursday.  So sue me.  You'll get the Kaypro I'm typing on, a roll orange of duct tape, and what I think is a dog. The Browns are now 2-7, and have taken over the lead in the Doormat AFC, muscling their broad-shouldered way (you know, like broads in the '80's) to Johnny Manziel's cooler.  We just have to hope they don't fire anybody.  Stay the course. 

Next loss: The Steelers, in Pittsburgh.  

TITANS 34, SAINTS 28 (OT)

Here's a perfect example, the Titans, who blew out the Bucs in game 1 this season, and then ran off six towering failures in a row, fire their proven Doormat coach (Ken "Whizzy" Whisenhunt), and all of a sudden the front line starts blocking. Titans QB Marcus Mariota gets all day to throw (thank you, NOLA), and pulls out an overtime win.  Titans now trail Brownies by a game in the loss column- the only column that counts.

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 9

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Kittens        1-7           125 - 149
Cowboys    2-6            160 - 204 
daBares       2-5           140 - 202

Whiners      3-6           126 - 133  

Bootineers   3-5          181 - 231

Deadskins   3-5           158 - 195

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA
Browns      2-7            177 - 247

Titanics      2-6            159 - 187

Chargers     2-6           191 - 227
Gaguars      2-6            170 - 235
Cravens      2-5            190 - 214

Toxins        3-5            174 - 205 

WHINERS 17, FALCONS 16

In another example of upsetting the apple cart, the 49ers bench Colin Kampervan Beethoven and Blaine Gabbert- yes that Blaine Gabbert- steps in and...the Niners scored a touchdown for the first time since the last piece of concrete was swept up at Candlestick.  Forced to play the Atlanta Falcons, they go wild and score TWO, leaving the Whiners with nowhere to go but the victory circle.  Does beating Atlanta count as a win against a team with a winning record?

COWBOYS 27, EAGLES 33 (OT)

It took everything they had, but they brought home the bacon bits.  2-6 and owners of a 6 game losing streak, tying the longest of the season. Good God, they're only a game behind the LIONS. Moo.

WASHINGTON FATS 10, PATRIOTS 27

Nothing special, just a workman-like loss, leaving gaps, blowing a coverage, a fumble here, an interception there, wait until the game is completely out of reach before scoring a touchdown- the doormat 'moral victory,'  and then hit the after-game spread.  

BUCS 18, GIANTS 32

I'm sorry, it's not six field goals.  My hopes got pretty high, there, but NO. Three lost fumbles really helps, though, so the Bootineers still get a gold star.

TONIGHT: 

 Chicago (2-5)  vs. San Diego (2-6)

It should be sputendous. We will be serving the fritos, mayo and flat beer at 6:00.  

aaaaAAAAnd THAT'S the VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!!!

Midnight in the Basement of the Bad and the Ugly: NFL Predictions Week 9

Blaine Gabbert responds to news he will be starting for the Whiners against the Failcons.

Here we are, doormat denizens, at the witching hour of the season: mid-season that is, and maybe midnight for some teams. This is the week when the hexes, omens, tea leaves, spells, all settle in like a row of crooked tombstones in an old hags lower jaw.

Who will be wearing cement overshoes after this weekend, ready to be shoved off the side of a small boat on the Wabash River? Clearly, these teams have no season left, and that means they have a shot at Doormat glory:

Tennessee Titanics
Cleveland Brownies
Dallas Cowpies
Detroit Kittens
San Francisco Whiners

It is this Oracle's prediction that one of these teams will be the winner of the Moldy Carpet.

And, of course, there are those other teams floating like tea leaves on the surface of the NFL season, ready to sink into another nightmare for the fans:

Buffalo Nils
Baltimore Cravens
Houston Toxins
Jacksonville Gaguars
Kansas City Cheeps
San Diego Retreaters
Philadelphia Pheebles
Chicago Da Bares
Tampa Bay Bootineers
Washington Deadskins
Indianapolis Dolts

Wow, there are a lot of bad teams. Keep an eye on these doormats, any one of them could make a move and streak to the bottom.

But for this weekend, who is going to lose big? The Oracle from the Basement predicts:

Brownies- 17
Bungles- 23
(Battle for Ohio, Brownies buck up, get close)

Deadskins- 8
Patriots- 63

Titans- 9
Ain'ts- 36

Floppers- 24
Nils- 23

Gaguars- 17
Nyets- 28

Gnats- 32
Bootineers- 12

Failcons- 24
Whiners- 0

Pheebles- 21
Cowpies- 10

Da'Bares- 13
Retreaters- 21

Broncos- 36 (4 rushing TDs)
Dolts- 28
(This could actually go to the Dolts, Broncos due for a loss, and Dolts due to play some decent football.)

KAEPERNICK BENCHED, 49ers bring in REAL PRO

SCAMPERNICKED!!!

The San Francisco 49ers, in the midst of a phenomenal drive to win the Doormat crown and take the Moldy Carpet Trophy, have made a bold move:

They've benched Colin Kaepernick in favor of famous Doormat QB Blaine Gabbert.

49er coach Jim Tomsula was quoted as saying "We're getting some quality losses with Kaeperstink..I'm sorry Kamperdink...wait- look, he's been doing the job, but there's been no flair to it, we haven't had any multiple interception games in three weeks and not a single sack-fumble-returned for a TD all season.  It's just not exciting losing.  We think Blaine can take us to a new level."

And why not?  Blaine Gabbert has distinguished himself in the Doormat Division as a man that can throw an interception, and especially drop the pigskin at a crucial point in any losing cause.  
His career stats speak for themselves:

With the Jags:

40 sacks and 14 fumbles in 2011alone.
24 interceptions vs 23 TD passes- 3 year career.

Sadly, Blaine could not deliver a Moldy Carpet trophy in Jacksonville in his three years there- but he was right there twice. 
He was hampered by coaches who really just weren't bad enough. That problem has been eliminated. 
Now, a historic opportunity is staring him right in the face.  

This man could pick up right where Kaep has left off and start fumbling his way to glory immediately.  It's chancy, for sure, as Kaepernick has proven his mettle for melt-down repeatedly this year.  Why break it if it isn't fixed?  But, you know, the game is for the fans, and we think Blaine will definitely start throwing balls to just about every part of the field that contains defenders. It's going to be a wild ride in Frisco!!

-wacko

WEEK EIGHT WRAP-UP and LOWER INTO THE THAMES!!

Back On Top Like they Never Left!  

The Basement is full of mangy, torn-up, tattered cats today, as the Detroit Felines have unchallenged supremacy of the Doormat.  We can't do anything about this, except put out bowls of Kitty Krak Kibble, and wait for a challenger to unseat them.  Fat chance!  
Elsewhere, the San Diego Cringers (I'm searching for a name here) are suddenly contenders, the Titanics look unstoppable, and the 49ers may be Detroit's only obstacle to Moldy Carpet Glory.  

Kitty Krak Kibble, and I don't care, Kitty Krak Kibble and I don't care....

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Kittens        1-7           125 - 149

Whiners      2-6           109 - 207  (almost 100 point diffo)
daBares       2-5           140 - 202

Bootineers   3-4           163 - 199

Deadskins   3-4           148 – 168

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      1-6            125 - 159

Chargers     2-6           191 - 227
Cravens      2-5            190 - 214

Gaguars      2-5            147 - 207

Toxins        3-5            174 - 205 

THE GAMES

Blowouts of the Week

LIONS 10, CHIEFS 45

The Kitten defense turns back the clock in London for Chiefs QB Alex Smith, WAY MORE THAN AN HOUR, and I could've sworn it was Utah blowing out Wyoming in 2004.  The dude rushed for 78 yards, and probably could've gotten 50 more. He looked fast. Somebody is SLOW.  The team that can't score in the Red Zone had NO problem against the Kitties.  On the other side of the stench, the Lions offensive line lies down like 11 fat cats stretched out in a sunbeam on the carpet at that cat lady's house down the street and QB Matt "Punching Bag" Stafford hits the "dirt" 6 more times- he's well on his way to never being the same again.  Lions only real threat here are the Forty-Whiners, who, by God, are right on the Kittens fuzzy little tails.  

NINERS 6,  RAMS 27

How you call this a blowout and yet have 18 punts, I'm not sure, but any game with the Niners is a blowout, even if the score is 14-3.  I'm sure the Rams were aiming to pitch a shutout here, so they're probably chewing each other out today in the meeting room.  How the Niners even get a field goal these days is beyond me (ed: they are burdened with a great kicker).  This team is a serious challenge to the beloved Lions.  11 first downs! 189 total yards! 10 punts!  3-17 on third down.  How do you even DO that?  It helps that the Rams punted 8 times themselves, so the Whiners got plenty of opportunity to display just how hapless, and how hard they've worked on this, they are.  Gold Stars all around for the Bumblers by the Bay.

CAN YOU FEEL IT BUILDING??

KITTENS vs. WHINERS

DEC. 27TH AT THE KAT BOXX!!!!

Be there.  Or be someplace else.  

CLOSE SHAVING!!

Four games were decided at the last second yesterday, the Doormat was there for most of it-

BEARS 20, VIKINGS 23

What do you do when you are up by 10 points, at home, with 4:55 left in the game?  You find a way.  As they say in Detroit "there's still time to lose."  And daBares direct some superb Prevent-the-win defense, given up an immediate 40-yard touchdown, go 3-and-out, give up another long pass, and cap it with a 36-yard field goal from the Vikes with 00:00 on the clock. Even the Lions beat this team.  You know?  Good luck losing to daBares.  2-5 and headed for 10 losses, NO PROBLEM.

CHARGERS 26, RAVENS 29  (OT)

Lose big, lose small, what's the difference?  After getting blown out by Oakland last week, the Bolts (Blots?) lose this one in overtime to the team that loves to lose the close ones. Shrugging off the chance to beat a team looking for a loss, the Chargettes (Cringers? help me out, here) are now 2-6 and in the thick of the AFC race.  They were 2-2 at one point and looking dangerous.  They're dangerous all right- to themselves.  Flame On!! FLAME OUT!!!

BUCS 23, FALCONS 20 (OT)

Don't look now- well, maybe you should- the Bootineers are 3-4 and clearly toying with Parity Division status.  Winning on a field goal in OT- but not the last play of the game- the Bucs tried mightily to blow another big lead (17), but the Falcons were just too much, with 4 turnovers and 11 penalties for 124 yards.  Kill that offense.  Kill it.  

BROWNS 20,  CARDINALS 34

The Blank Helmets were up 20-7 in the first half, with the Cardinals fumble onslaught (3 of them) placing the Brownies in a difficult scenario- a big lead. But that's what first halves are for- false hope. And that's good enough for Cleveland!  Half-time! Everybody go home! Do not turn on your radios. 

Do not look at your smartphone.  It'll spoil your drive home.

TITANS 6, TEXANS 20

Let's face it.  If you can't keep your point total under 6, you won't lose to the Titanics.  Titanics Coach Ken "Whiz-bang" Whisenhunt still has his job.  Coincidence, or Moldy Carpet PLOT?

COWBOYS 12, SEAHAGS 13

The Seahags may be struggling, but the Cowboys have your number.  QB Matt Cassel is in charge- 'nuff said.  5 straight losses since Tony Romo went out, and 4 more weeks to go.  It's getting darker earlier in Dallas, like at 9am.   

EXITING THE BASEMENT

Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos?

RRRRRRRAIDERS!!

Standing this morning at 4-3, the Oakland Raiders have gone over .500 for the first time since Quincy Jones was President.  I really can't even remember and why bother to look it up?  The Worst Team of the Decade looks like they won't be coming back this year.  It could still happen, you never know.  But two games in a row where they scored at will and didn't stop until they had over 30 points, and you think maybe this is different. They sure are having fun. We have to celebrate our miserable teams when they finally get the hell out of this pile of cheap beer and burnt coffee and duct tape and dial-up modems.  Good Luck, old friend.  You still have the best uniforms in the biz.  Which is, I guess, why you never ever change them even slightly.

aaaaAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!