WEEK SIX PREVIEW!!!!

WACKO'S PICKS

Falcons- 31
Aints- 18
(big party weekend in NOLA when the Falcs hit town. Aints play gracious host).

Deadskins- 24
Jets- 23
('Skins just can't keep dodging wins. They get tagged here)

Chiefs- 9
Vikings- 17
(Chiefs fall into big hole, can't see end zone).

Bengals- 51
Nils- 2
(Score is not as close as it looks)

DaBares- 16
Kittens- 13
(I gotta believe in 0-6)

Toxins- 8
Gaguars- 7 (14 innings)
(Battle of the AFC South Worst. Big game).

Fins- 10
Titanics- 0
(Fins really are pretty bad, but Titanics are worser)

Panthers- 21
Seahags - 30
(Seahawks two wins are against daBares and the Lions. Panthers come in over-amped to finally beat a contender in their own stadium. They blow it. Hags will get their only win against a team with a winning record).

Cravens- 34
0-4-9ers- 17
(Who can give up 500 yards FIRST?)

Gnats- 31
Pheebles- 29
(Eli Manning fails to deliver game-crushing late INT, Sam Bradford does).

Doormat Division Week Five: Flailing and Failing their way to Fame

What a weekend!  So many games right there for the taking, and Doormat teams duking it out for supremacy in the Basement!

First, the standings:

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L         PF-PA

Kittens        0-5          83 - 138

Whiners     1-4           75 - 140
Aints          1-4           103 - 143

daBares      2-3           86 - 142

Boots         2-3           110 - 148

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Gaguars     1-4             93 - 145
Toxins       1-4            97 - 135

Floppers    1-3             65 – 101

Cravens     1-4            123 - 137

Cheaps      1-4            117-143

THE GAMES

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

LIONS 17,  CARDINALS 42
Having a hard time getting your offense in gear?  Come to the Kat Box in Detroit- you won't need one. Six turnovers from the Kitties, most of them deep in their own territory, and the Cards just walk them into the end zone. Cards amass only 15 first downs, but who needs that when you either start your drive at the Lion's 15 or get handed a 63-yard TD run? Kitty QB Matt Stafford, saddled with an offense he doesn't understand, backing up and flinging 4 INTs, gets benched for back-up Dan Orlovsky...who played for the 0-16 Lions in 2008.  Tradition is a marvelous thing. 

AINTS  17,  EAGLES  39
Eagles look like the old Oregon Ducks for one game.  Brought to you by the New Orleans Ain'ts.
Saying 'it's in the bag' has a whole 'nother meaning in NOLA.  As in, get out your bags and stick your head in them for the next home game.

SNATCHING DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY

SEAHAGS 24, BENGALS 27 (OT)
17 point blown lead. Hey, the HAGS are 2-3.  They're IN the basement, or at least hanging out by the BBQ on the patio, just outside our sliding glass door which is completely greased up with dog slobber on the bottom half. We tried to clean it a while back, but using the wax paper from under the pizzas was maybe not the best idea. The dogs liked it, though. Blowing a 17 point 4th quarter lead, the Hags deliver the biggest collapse of the 2015 season so far.  Yes, it was against possibly the best team in the AFC, but doesn't that make it all the sweeter?

49ers  27,  GIANTS 30
4 point blown lead.  The SF Chronicle headline today:  NOT A COMPLETE LOSS. Oh, my goodness, they just don't understand this game. The 49er shook things up this week, keeping it close for variety, and getting a dramatic lead with a minute left in the game...perfectly setting the stage to completely blow the game, and deflate a fan base. The Whiners kick off and march the Giants right down the field in no time at all for the touchdown and BOOM, grab the loss.  When you can lose big AND lose at the last second, you are formidable.  How do you prepare for that?

TITANS 13, BILLS 14  (STIFF OF THE WEEK)
7 point blown lead. 27 Total first downs.  13 punts.  Whew. But yet- a nail biter! A couple of Doormat regulars, Bills win it in the 4th. Remember when Titans QB Marcus Mariota won the opener and it looked like LOOK OUT NFL? Yeah, well, they just weren't looking out in the right direction. Rookie season is always a good time to shoot for winning the Doormat Division, and now he's showing some acumen with the Killer Late Interception.  Bills arrive at 3-2, but usually end up losing 10, so don't get too glum about their chances.  They were playing some stiff competition.

RAVENS 30, BROWNS 33 (OT)
12 point blown lead. A back-and-forth Doormat tilt.  This is the kind of game our Basement dwellers should deliver to their fans.  882 yards total offense! Wild, back and forth, mistake filled games with suspect defense that produce crazy plays and fabulous bumbling entertainment.  Amidst it all, the Cravens keep piling up the penalties (12/98) even if the rest of the league seems to have calmed down slightly.  They both still have losing records, but who cares?  It makes the whole tail-gate worth it.  Last time Browns won in Baltimore was 2008, by the sam 33-30 score.

CHIEFS 17, BEARS 18
14 point blown lead.  Bears still blow two 2-point conversions, but to no avail.  Cheaps out-crummy them to the bitter end.  Cheaps very good at shutting down offense in 2nd half.  Those half-time adjustments are clearly doing the job.


THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

JAGS 31, BUCS 38
Another  wild Doormat game with swiss-cheese defense!  Total back-and-forth who can give up the big play more often kind of game.  Jags come out on top.

RAIDERS 10, BRONCOS 16
The 're-born' Raiders just hit 2-3, and welcome back, guys. It is never the same without you around.  Sea-Bass misses TWO field goals, unheard of, and Raiders QB Derek Carr throws a late interception pick six that iced it for the Broncs, throwing it in between 3 Raider receivers, two of whom weren't even looking.  Raiders defense, in all honesty, played their brains out. Antique DB Charles Woodson picked off Manning twice.   Don't forget Woodson won the Heisman over Manning.  Think they don't still remember that?

REDSKINS 19, FALCONS 25 (OT)
Redskins really keep playing with fire every week.  One of these days, they're going to win again.


NOTE:  There is a surprising drop in punting this year.

NFL WEEK 5 WORST STATS

PENALTIES:     12/98    BALTIMORE
TURNOVERS:   6  (4/2)  DETROIT  (INT/FUM)
POINTS:             6            DALLAS
FIRST DOWNS:  13        BUFFALO
Total Yards:     209           BUFFALO (and they won)
Yards allowed:   505        BALTIMORE
Passing yards:   82           BUFFALO  (did I mention they won?)
PUNTS:            8             SEATTLE
Total punts (both teams):   14    Seahags and Bengals


aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!!!

Toxins 20, Colts 27- Thursday Night Doormat Special!!

Toxins 20, Colts 27

The Houston Toxins came in with a solid game plan- amass more than 125 yards of penalties, with BONEHEAD red zone penalties to make it really galling, keep their defense on the field as long as possible, and then depend on a late, killer interception that was totally unnecessary. 

Bryan Hoyer comes off the bench for the Toxins and ran straight into the Colts gameplan, which was to allow as much passing yardage as possible, and see if that can pull down the L.  Hoyer goes for over 300 yards, but showed his mettle at the end, like any Cleveland fan from the last couple years could have outlined for you, by throwing one up for grabs straight down the middle of the field (that's called a DeBerg, by the way). The close-ups of benched QB Ryan Mallett could not have been more poignant. 

Colts, with antique QB Matt Hasselbeck running the show, really can't compete with the Toxins' own foot-shooting. Toxins 1-4 and ready for the big big slide.

-Wacko

Thursday Night Doormat: COLTS at TOXINS

Thursday Night Doormat Tilt: 

Houston Toxins (1-3) vs. Indianapolis Colts (2-2)! 

Though the Toxins looked very good in last weeks blowout loss to Atlanta, chances are high they'll have to lower the bar even farther Thursday if the Colts go out there without Andrew Luck, who is still nursing a sore shoulder. Yesterday, the backup was sick so the practice squad QB was running the offense. That is going to be hard to lose to. 

This is also the DESPERATION game for Houston, so look for QB Ryan Mallet to crank up the miscues and/or get so conservative they average 1.3 yards per pass. If Luck plays, Colts win. If Luck doesn't play, TOXINS take the W and lose ground in the AFC Doormat chase. 

EDGE TO LOSE: Pick 'Em

LIONS BLOW IT WITH HELP

Lions 10,  Seahags 13

I don't know how much more Doormat you can get it.  Fumble at the goal line with almost no time left on the clock, and the home team, on the same play, gets away with illegally batting ball out of its own end zone.  Lions dodge a major bullet and remain the ONLY WINLESS TEAM left in the entire NFL.  

Get ready for some serious Kat Box digging next week, as the Kitties host the Cardinals.



DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L         PF-PA

Kittens        0-4          66 – 96

Whiners     1-3           48 - 110

daBares     1-3           68 - 125

Boots         1-3           72 – 117

Aints          1-3           86 – 104

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Gaguars     1-3             62 – 107

Floppers    1-3             65 – 101

Brownies   1-3             85 -102

Cravens     1-3             93 - 104

Cheaps      1-3            100 -125

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 4 WRAP UP!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK FOUR WRAP-UP

There is only ONE un-victorious team left, the illustrious Detroit Kittens, and tonight they have a chance to separate themselves from the rest of the NFL and reach 0-4.  They’re at Seattle, so things look good.  The Seahags haven’t been perfect, but the Lions have, so we’ll go with the Kitties pulling down an L and making it a thing of beauty.

And, in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s the Year of the Penalty.  Buffalo logged in yesterday with 17 for 135 yards the Jets with 14 for 163, though those were Imperial Yards.   That’s an insane amount of yardage and penalties.   The Jets won.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L         PF-PA

Kittens        0-3          56 – 83

Whiners     1-3           48 - 110

daBares     1-3           68 - 125

Boots         1-3           72 – 117

Aints          1-3           86 – 104

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Gaguars     1-3             62 – 107

Floppers    1-3             65 – 101

Brownies   1-3             85 -102

Cravens     1-3             93 - 104

Cheaps      1-3            100 -125

WEEK 4  WRAP UP

BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK

Texans 21, Falcons 48

It was 42-0 before the Falcons started choosing fans from the stands to play D.   The Toxins are rounding into shape, folks.  4 Turnovers, two returned for touchdowns.  Wow.

THE WILD FINISH

Jags 13, Colts 16 (OT)

There were a lot of close ones this week, teams pulling out last second losses in dire situations that could have ended in a demoralizing victory, but the Jags have no competition:  with the game tied with 6 seconds to go, placekicker Jason Myers sails one right- but WAIT the Colts called time out.  The Jags line up again and…Myers sails it again!  Overtime!  Then, the Jags got close enough for Myers to…hook one to the left.  Finally, out of options, the Colts kick a field goal themselves and just take the dingdong win.  Gags move into first place in the Doormat AFC.

Browns 27,  Chargers 30

The Chargers were game.  The Brownies actually scored points. But they pulled it off- a last second FG by the Blots keeps the Blank Helmet Dream moving.  Cleveland, you disappoint like nobody else.  And we love you for it.

DOORMAT EXHIBITION IN LONDON

Dolphins 14, Jets 27

I was worried when the Jags were not being sent back to represent the Doormat in London this year, but never fear, Florida has a surplus of talent in the Basement, and the Floppers delivered.  Pip pip!  Cheerio!  For he’s a jolly good punter!  Sadly, the Flops fired coach Philbin before he could even finish his fish and chips at Heathrow.  That’s no way to run a Doormat franchise..unless you are going to promote the guy all the players like on the coaching staff to run the team.  We’ll see.

DEATH MARCH SEASON

49ers 3,  Packers 17

After getting shelled two weeks in a row, this score at least looks close.  Don’t be fooled.  Though the 49er D played real football, the 49er offense is so bad that…they may not win another game.  I watched this one, and I don’t see how they will. The O-line can’t run block, can’t pass block, QB Kaepernick appears to have lost all his confidence, sailing balls out of bounds and scudding passes over the middle (‘scudding’ is bouncing the pass), visibly frustrated receivers, it’s all there.  48 points after 4 games is WAY OUT IN THE LEAD for lowest point total.   Not even Jacksonville can touch that, and that’s really really saying something. 

Also, Levi stadium really has a problem- there is nobody in the 50-yard line seats.  They call it the Red Hole (how charming), and it really looks weird when the cameras scan the seats.  It’s like a Division II college game being played there.  Oh, wait, I think I got it. 

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Raiders 20,  Bears 23

Coming into Chicago, riding a two game winning streak, the Raiders aren’t going to give up their Doormat Team of the Decade status easily.  They aren’t going to just hand it to daBares.  And they didn’t.  Kicking a FG with two seconds to go, daBears are forced to take the win, at home, when they could have effectively ended their season, and gone on a losing streak for the ages.  Tough luck, newbie. 

Bucs 23,  Panthers 37

Boots QB Jameis Winston gets it really going for TB with FOUR INTs – one a pick-six. 

Bucs toss in a fumble return for a Panther TD, and these guys look solid.  Only problem is their division has the Aints.  Says here the Aints win both of those.  Unless they already lost to them.  What do I know, I live in the basement with a broom closet for company.

Eagles  20,  Redskins 23

The wheels are coming off.  There is no spare.

Chiefs 21,  Bengals 36

7 Field goals by the Cheaps.  Good GOD.

THE WORST STATS FOR WEEK  4

Points:           3     49ers

First Downs:  8           49ers

Total Yards:  196         49ers

Passing:     96              Steelers

Rushing:   54               Texans 

Red Zone Failure:        0-whatever   Chiefs

Turnovers:  5               Bucs

Raspberry Turnovers (for TDs): 2      Bucs,  2  Texans

Punts:  8                      NYG

Penalties:  14/163        Jets   (9 teams had more than 80 yards in penalties. I have never seen that)

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 3 RESULTS!!

Well, other than the restraining order, having an actual job, getting locked out of the Basement for 3 weeks (thanks, 'Fish for finally just busting in and fighting through the stink and laying in some brewskis), there really is NO reason for us to not have been doing our duty.

Except that we said we were giving this up.  But...after 3 weeks, I just CAN'T.

DOORMAT DIVISION FANTASY STANDINGS  WEEK III

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

              W-L        PF-PA

daBares   0-3         46 - 105

Aints       0-3          60 - 84

Kittens    0-3          56 - 83

Whiners  1-2          45 - 93

Boots     1-2          49 - 80

AFC

Cravens  0-3          70 - 84

Floppers 1-2          51 - 74

Gaguars  1-2          49 - 91

Blots       1-2          66 - 83

Brownies 1-2          58 - 72

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Reelers  12,  Lambs  6

There was a touchdown in the game.  2nd quarter.  After that….what kinda sandwiches we got?  The Reelers like to go for 2 almost every time, it increases their chances of losing by 1 point.  But, this is the Lambs we’re talking about here, so good luck with THAT strategy.  As predicted by me, Big Ben goes down in week 3 and throws the high-powered Reeler offense into reverse.  Tune in Thursday for the short-week debacle against the winless Ravens (Cravens).

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

Whiners 7,  Cardinals 47

Sure, the 49ers looked ominously bad last week. But here in the Doormat Division, one week is not enough to earn our respect. 

HOWEVER. Today, 49er QB Colin Kaepernick came out with a determination not seen in the NFL in years. TWO pick sixes within the first TWO minutes of play, and after only 4 passes! Completing only 9 passes for the entire game, Scampernick logged in with 4 total interceptions, and at least 10 passes that appeared to be headed in no particular direction! Quoted earlier this week as saying he's "finally being allowed to be himself" but in his usual cryptic way, 'ol Kaep unveiled what he was driving at. WE HAD NO IDEA he could drive a team into the ditch nearly all by himself. 

But let's share the accolades- the Whiners have a sort of Marx Brothers circus going on in the defensive backfield that Cardinal QB Carson Palmer was certainly getting plenty of entertainment from. I'm serious, I think I could get open for a quick slant against these guys. 

And, just when you thought it couldn't get any better, the Whiners tossed in a safety, and then just stopped tackling in the second half, ballooning the Cardinals rushing totals, 139, far beyond what those guys should be getting. 

Keep your eye on this team. They-could-go-all-the-way!!!!!

Next loss- GREEN BAY.

As bad as the O-for-9ers may be, they are a paltry 4th place in the Doormat NFC.  The competition is STIFF.

BASEMENT EXIT?

Raiders 27, Cleveland 20

The Raiders are fun to watch. Derek Carr is obviously very very game for a wild game.  He’s perfect for the Raiders.  They’re just not Doormat material!  The Brownies, on the other hand, are clearly still doing things the Brownie way.  Start a washed up quarterback who has never been good anywhere over the guy that went to rehab, really really wants to win ball games, and at this point geez just throw him out there. They aren’t really doing things the Lou Groza way over there on Lou Groza Way.  

The NFC

Bears have an astounding 46-105 point differential, after getting shut out by Seattle.  Lions get to travel to Safeco next.  Lions-Bears will be a marquee game if they can stay winless unless they meet Oct. 18th.  daBares  host the Raydurz next Sunday. The Aints had to rest Drew Brees, and even if he plays next week it will take a real bomb job by the other team to stick a W on the Aints.  

THE ENTIRE AFC

The only winless team are the Ravens.  Anybody?  Hard to believe they’re the worst of the crop right?  Plus, they get the Big-Ben-less Reelers this Thursday.  That’s a toss-up.  I gave up on the Steelers and BOOM, Rothlisberger goes down with a knee injury just like I predicted.  And they STILL can’t lose to the Lambs.  

 The best bet might be to hang on to your team until week 5 or 6 when things start to shape up.  And, of course, one of those teams is going to be 4-2 and then lose 9 of the last 10.  But who that is will take some real serious Tarot card reading.

aaaAAAAAAAAAA- oh, I just can’t type that, the blog is dead.  Long live the blog!