WEEK 15 REPORT: Turn off Your Mind, Relax and Float downstream. And Fumble.

BROWNS REACH NEW LEVEL OF CONSCIOUSNESS!

49ers ACHIEVE HISTORIC LEVELS OF...OF...

BEARS DO IT AGAIN!

JAGS TRYING SO HARD TO BE THE WORST!

VIKINGS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! WITH A HAMMER!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 15 STANDINGS

AFC
Cleveland -      0-14
Jacksonville -   2-12
NY Jets -          4-10
San Diego -      5-9
Cincinnati -       5-8-1


NFC
San Francisco - 1-13
Chicago -           3-11
Los Angeles -     4-10
Carolina -           5-8
Philly-                 5-9

Arizona               5-8-1

THE GAMES

BROWNS 13, BILLS 33
The Browns haven't had a lead since 7-6 at halftime of the Nov. 10th game vs. the Ravens.  They're 3-27 over the last two years. They knew the Bills were going to run the ball yesterday, and, sure enough the Bills ran the ball...280 yards of it for a 7.0 per run average.
The Browns opened the game with a 12-yard run for a first down- which was nullified by a holding penalty.  Welp!  Time to hit the tailgate out in the parking lot! I'll refill the cooler! Please don't text me. 

The Brownies are in the Blank Zone. The Blank Helmet Zone. They are, literally, The Blanks. They are free of hindrances, the way ahead is open, I can hear a parade of sorts: a grimy, kicked to the curb kind of parade, I hear car horns and smell fumes and a barrel of tallow behind the dumpster in back the greasy spoon serving Brownie Bake Sale items.  Bring back Chomps. Somebody go to the Dawg Pound and find something, anything, to take to an off-leash area (say, the 45-yard line) and see if something happens. But bring your plastic bags.
Next loss: at San Diego.  Well, at least they'll get warm. 

49ERS 13, ATLANTA 41,OOO
Has anybody noticed that the Falcons are kinda doing a Doormat Blow-Out Tour?  This game coulda been a 600 yard, 60 point affair. Whiners hit milestone...and had to be carted off the field. They are now not only the losing-est team in 49er history (and there's been some lulus), they also have given up more yards than any 49er ever ever ever. 38 years kind of ever. Yesterday's 500 Falcon yards put them well over the top. But it wasn't called a Falcon 500. It was a Galaxy 500.

As usual, the Whines were kind of playing football for the first half, and then did not play football for the 2nd half (yet there was a game going on!), scoring zero points and amassing 4 first downs. That's grit. Like sand in your hot dog in the dark by the smoky fire at the beach grit. They are nothing if not consistent, and, they are also nothing. The Yin and Yang of their losing perhaps surpasses the Browns.  But the Browns still have the big zero, so shut up.

JAGS 20, TEXANS 21
I really do wish someone had the nerves to beat the Texans. The Jags tried so hard to lose this- only 9 first downs and 12 penalties, I mean that's trying- but there they were, yet again AHEAD (20-10) for no good reason going into the 4th quarter.  The Gaguar offense punted mercilessly for the entire second half, thwarted only by an errant kick-off return for a touchdown that put the whole thing in jeopardy.  But the non-offense pulled it off, and the defense got tired and there was no coffee (they also ran out of cups, but that's actually a different subject).   Jags right behind the Whines and Blanks at 2-12. 

LAMBS 3, SEAHAWKS 24
Yes, I know this was on Thursday, which is like an ice age ago in football, but I just want to point out that the Lambs keep scoring less and less points and are still under 200 (197) points scored for the year.  Wouldn't that be something if they could hold it there?  It would be a fitting tribute to fired coach Jeff Fisher, the only 'mercy firing' I've ever seen in my entire life. Or maybe he went in there and begged to get fired to avoid becoming the losing-est-est coach of all time.  I dunno.  They should have had this one still count on his watch.  Just to give him something to remember his time in the NFL by.  Bye-bye Jeff!  The Doormat was your friend.  No, you can't come in.  I said "WAS."

VIKINGS 6, COLTS 26
The Colts need to play the Vikings every week.  They'd be in the Super Bowl.  Everybody'd be in the Super Bowl.  It'd be like a Super Bowl Smorgasborg, with all the drinks poured into Viking horns. The busboys are all named Thor. 

The Yikings first 6 possessions yesterday: Punt, Punt, Punt, Fumble, Interception, Fumble.  It would have been nice if they'd mixed up the punts and turnovers, but you can't argue with that score. Don't argue with guys named Thor, either.  Even though in Sweden every 3rd guy is named Thor.  It's how the Scandinavians have gotten along so well.

BEARS 27, PACKERS 30
No matter what it takes, no matter how tantalizingly close the score may be, put you money on the Bears.  They did it AGAIN, making it even more insanely close with the Pack kicking a field goal with :00 on the clock. This after the Bears tied it with 1:19.  How DO they do it?
Man, wow.  I notice Matt Barkley has the triple-interception thing going now, so Jay Cutler can relax.

OK I gotta make Doormat Christmas Cards, all with that special Doormat Scent!  

AAAaaaaAANd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

WEEK 14 REPORT: CROWN THE BROWNS?

CROWN THE BROWNS? 

WITHER WHINERS?

   1-13                           0-14

Should we just hand the Browns the Moldy Carpet now?  How could this team possibly win a game? Can the Niners somehow catch them? Can the Jags go back and undo those victories?Are the Rams actually the worst team in the league, but just got a late start?

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 14

AFC
Cleveland -      0-13
Jacksonville -   2-11
NY Jets -          4-9
San Diego -      5-8
Cincinnati -       5-7-1
Indianapolis-     6-7

NFC
San Francisco - 1-12
Chicago -           3-10
Los Angeles -     4-9
Carolina -           5-8
Philly-                 5-8

New Orleans      5-8


BROWNS 10, BENGALS 23
Fearless in their pursuit of the Moldy Carpet, the Browns opened the game yesterday with 5 punts and an interception for 56 yards and about 3 first downs. This got them all the way to the 3rd quarter! On the other side of the ball, they guided Bungles QB Andy Dalton to his highest rating of the year (112.2) and a 20-0 lead at intermission. Browns 'coach' Hue Jackson took the pressure off in the 2nd half and allowed his team to score a little, to avoid hypothermia. He also 'asked for understanding' about RGB III's sloppy start. No worries here Hue, we get it! 0-16 looks good to us. Let the haggling about who is the worst 0-16 team - them or the 2008 Lions.

Browns danger game is the final game against the Steelers, who may have locked up a playoff spot by then and decide to rest the entire roster. A raffle will be held among the local Pittsburgh high schools to to field a team.

GAME OF THE WEEK
NINERS 17, JETS 23 (OT)
You had to see it to believe it. This was serious. The Jests started 3rd stringer Bryce Petty, a fiery fighter of fiesty football fury! Also, definitely a... 2nd string QB. Showing his mettle, he started off, on play 1, with an interception at his own 7-yard line, then following it up with a quick 3 and out. On the backside,the Gang Green (I didn't even have to make that up) defense showed 49er running back Carlos Hyde where the holes were, and the Whiners were up 14-0 and in serious jeopardy with a whole game to play yet. Patience.

The Jets punted and punted, yet the Niners countered with driving and missing field goals (2), a real morale drainer. FU, Jets!! Then they traded field goals. Uh-oh. Niners coach Chip Kelly, nervous about all the yardage being piled up and the nearness of the goal line, and a eye-popping 17-3 lead, ground the offense to a complete halt, finishing off for the day with 6 consecutive punts (ok they ended the first half with the ball, but they would have punted if someone had just given them the time). Later, regarding the 'conservative' offense, Chip said "it's on me."  Chip, we know that.  It's on you like the smell of barf on a fraternity toilet on Sunday morning.

Undaunted, the Jets countered with grim nothing, slipping up on one measly 3rd quarter field goal. Petty was looking like Doormat Gold.
But the Niners, ahead 17-6 with tons of time left in the 4th, had just had enough. Pulling themselves apart collectively on defense, their worst tackling angles finally clicked, the sliding off running backs like water off a duck's back suddenly was easy, and they backed off receivers and dragged the Jets down the field in an arduous 15-play, 9 minute drive, capping it off with a stellar missed tackle by Ahmad Brooks that landed the Jesters in the end zone.

Sure he couldn't do it twice, the Nyets ran Petty right at Brooks for the 2-point conversion and he did a wondrous missed tackle encore, complete with flailing and spinning, and BOOM.
17-14. 

Had enough?  The fun was just starting. With 4:48 to go, and the sound of seagulls echoing around a silent stadium, the Whiners doubled down and punted immediately, gaining 0 yards on 3 plays. By now the Jets knew they were doomed, it was just a matter of time. 8 plays later, the tying field goal (50 yards) wafted into the bay air, noiselessly floating between the goal posts as 30,000 empty red seats waited for the final indignity in OT. 

The Niners won the coin toss, and countered with a new move, turning the ball over on downs, eschewing the punt, as it would put the Jets too far down the field and hey the Jets need to score here. 

The gassed 49er defense gave it all up on this drive, including just giving up on the last run into the end zone for the Jets.  It was the kind of drive that makes evil empire owner Jed York and his minion, GM Trent Balke, cackle into their champagne. If only the Browns would win a game!  The Moldy Carpet could be theirs.  Dream on.  

LAMBS 14, FALCONS 42,000
Lambie rookie QB Jared Goff had the deer-in-the-headlights thing going on yesterday, scoring 14 points for the Falcons with a pick-six and a fumble-six (plus another INT), so, wow, Jared.  But, let's be fair- the entire team stunk like lamb stew that's been on the back burner on a forgotten Greek island restaurant for the entire summer.  2 more fumbles, 7 punts, and 11 penalties for 105 yards. I mean...it's so great they moved back to L.A. It's just what they needed down there. (The Lambs may actually be the worst team in the league right now. Remember, they lost to the 49ers, 28-0, in week 1. Think about that.) The Falcons punted EIGHT times and STILL scored 42 points.  Holy Toledo.  

SAINTS 11, BUCS 16
These guys can't even find the right numbers.  6 field goals, a safety, and 1 touchdown.  Bucs keep winning....Doormat exit!

BEARS 17, LIONS 20
Yet again the Bears make it look close. The Lions were game to lose, but the Bears weren't having it.  Bears got the Lions in the end zone last, and that's all that mattered.  Bears clear the 10 loss marker!

BILLS 20, STEELERS 27
It's interesting watching a team that doesn't start an actual quarterback. If the Bills can keep losing, they can finish 6-10. But the Jets and Browns are on the schedule- forget it.  For certain they will not make the playoffs- that will be 18 seasons without even an invite to the party.  Who needs a party when you can scrape ice off your windshield?

JAGUARS 16, VIKINGS 25
An absolute HAIL of field goals- 7- before somebody scored a touchdown.  My foot is sore. Pick-six machine Jaguar Blake Bortles didn't even throw an interception yesterday. ??  The Jags were ahead going into the 4th quarter! Vikings QB Sam Bradford was looking for another way to prove his Doormat mettle. But it was not to be. The Jags, better than just about anybody at losing at home in stadium deflating fashion, got the fans heading for the exits before the 2- minute warning, as the Vikings got the shock of the afternoon- scoring two TDs in one quarter.  Jags 2-11 and a force.

THREE WEEKS TO GO.  It's all about keeping the losses in your locker room, and watching out for better teams that give up and teams that have made the playoffs, rest everybody, and field a Doormat lineup against you.  Stay strong! Stay disorganized!  Don't adjust!  

aaaaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!!

WEEK 13 REPORT and COLD HARD FACTS OF FANTASY

Niners Take Control of NFC

Browns Don't Lose

Jaguars Must be Taken Seriously

That's Not My Hedgehog

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 13

AFC
Cleveland -     0-12
Jacksonville -  2-10
NY Jets -         3-8
Cincinnati -     4-7-1
San Diego -    5-7
Indianapolis-   5-6
NFC
San Francisco - 1-11
Chicago -          3-9
Los Angeles -   4-8
Carolina -         4-8
Philly-               5-7
New Orleans    5-7

Game of the Week

WHINERS 6, BEARS 26
If you want to be the king of the Basement in the NFC, and you've got a game coming up at Chicago's Soldier Field Snow Park, by all means spend the week before in Orlando, Florida. Chip Kelly is a genius. Amassing 6 net yards in passing for the WHOLE GAME, the San Francisco 49ers 
put a slushball down their pants and got more penalties (11) than first downs (10). 147 total yards of offense minus 106 yards of penalties comes out to...control of the NFC Basement!!  

The 6 yards of passing coincided brilliantly with Colin Kaepernick's announcement that he will opt out of his contract at the end of the season. Perfect. 

But let's share one stellar moment, a true great in Doormat history: Punting from their own end zone, the Bears arrange a blocked punt, which is caught in the air just 10 yards from the end zone by the 49ers and run back for an apparent touchdown. Even though the DB had run out of bounds at the 4 and everybody in the stadium knew it wasn't a touchdown, at least two 49ers got down in the slush and made snow angels until they drew a 'celebration' penalty. The Whines then ended up out at the 19 yard line, which was really far hey no fair, and settled for a field goal. You really couldn't have drawn up a better knucklehead play if you tried. Or, maybe they did.

The Bears, now, matched up really well for almost the entire first half, even trailing the Whines 6-0 at one point, fumbling the ball away on a punt and a kickoff in the midst of a driving wet snow storm to get those points for the Whiners. It was shaping up to be a gloriously horrrible game. 

But it was their bad luck to have the ball at the 2:00 warning before the half, and out of some kind of duty to protocol, they tried a forward pass (there were no completions in the first quarter by either team, first time since 1988).  OOPS!  3rd-string QB Matt (wow, I'm IN the GAME) Barkley discovered he had no problem completing passes, which, I'm sure had nothing to do with the 49ers Ole' defensive backfield. They skied down the field and scored. Then they couldn't stop it.

Ultimately, the most anticipated game of the Doormat season was no contest. This game was lost in Orlando, and the Bears just had no chance.  Bears now 3-9 and clinging to slim hopes. Niners 1-11 and the Jets coming up at home next week. Another tough challenge?  I dunno, these guys prepare.

BROWNS 0, NOBODY 0
The only way the Browns don't lose is if they don't play. Next week: The Battle for OhiO, 
Bengals-Browns.

JAGAURS 10, BRONCOS 20
Ja-gyu-ars.  Ja-geeyuu-ars. Let's start pronouncing it like the British motor company insists. After all, they PLAY in London every year. Pretty soon, we'll just change the name to the London Pubcrawlers. Jags are 2-10 and keeping the Browns in sight. Gags QB Blake Bortles, with yesterday's fluttering pick-six, has 3 pick-sixes in the last 4 games.  He's got 11 in 3-years (his entire career). Bortles also tossed in a critical fumble near the end, when they were in danger of tying the game.

Just...wow, man.

PANTHERS 7, SEAHAWKS 40
Seahawks run into the Carolina Buzz-Saw, getting 534 yards of offense stuffed into their stat sheet, and any hope of another desultory, blindingly boring game was snuffed out like so many sad campfires in a dank Washington KOA. P.S. We're sending Cam Newton one of our Doormat Ties.  You can smell them when they are still in the box.  

DOLPHINS 6, RAVEN-POES 38
Well, after this bomb-out, maybe the Dolpins can run the table and still get a losing season out of this.  7-9 is still possible! Floppers QB Ryan Tannehill brings home the tuna with 3 interceptions and frightening inaccuracy.

LAMBS 10, PATRIOTS 26
The Lambs are the only team that gets their Doormat nickname in the headline. That's how much we trust them. 7 first downs, 8 punts, 2 interceptions and 400 yards of free offense for New England. Somehow, the Niners were worse than them, but the last game of the season will settle that score.

LIONS 28, SAINTS 13
Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos!!!  The worst the Lions can finish is 8-8. They are leading the NFC North.  They are the best team at converting in the red zone this season.  WTF??  Hoorah for the Lions and the city of Detroit.  We stand up upon our crusted pizza boxes, and raise a stale Rainier Ale toast to the bums from Motown.  Saints still hanging around our grill out on the patio, wanting in.

BUCS 28, CHARGERS 21
Living up to it's billing this was the wildest game of the week (tied with Chiefs -Falcons),  the BUCS end the day (thank you Chiefs) tied for first place in the NFC South. It could all fall apart in the next 4 weeks, but kudos to our exiting Doormat. 

TONIGHT:  JETS-COLTS.  Jets should get this one, but the Colts are completely unreliable.


aaaaAAAAAaaand That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

WEAK 12 REPORT AND AUTOPSY

WEAK 12 CHEESE BALL BOMBS

FADING HOPES IN COLD CLIMES and

BEING JUST BADENOV, BORIS

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 12

AFC
Cleveland -    0-12
Jacksonville - 2-10
NY Jets -        3-8
Cincinnati -    3-7-1
San Diego -    5-6

NFC
San Francisco - 1-10
Chicago -          2-9
Los Angeles -   4-7
Carolina -         4-7
Green Bay        4-6


BROWNOUTS 13, GIANTS 27
Who can lose a game where the opponent punts 9 times?  The Browns!  Who can lose a game where your opponent gets only 13 first downs?  The Browns!  Who else can lose a game where your opponent gets 100 penalty yards to your measly 35?  Nobody but the Browns!!  Of course fumbling away the ball 3 times, with one of those for a fumble-six, kinda helps.

0-12 AND the worst uniforms in the NFL. C'MON, those are ghastly.  Somebody get that ownership a medal, and make it out of an old Trabant (worst car ever made) grill.  

LAMBS 21, SAINTS 49
Maybe Saints coach Sean Payton is still a little steamed at his old defensive (hits for cash!) coordinator, who now works for the Lambs. It has to hurt your eyes after a while, doing the laser glare at the opposing bench for an entire game.  Actually, Lambie QB Jared Goff must have felt like he was back at Cal:  high scoring game that is exciting for 3 quarters and then you end up getting blown out. Trick plays by the bushel in this one.   

WHINERS 24, DOLPHINS 31
Honesty: Chip Kelly and Colin Kaepernick seem to be getting on the same page.  Kaepernick accounted for over 400 yards of offense yesterday.  He was THE man.  They nearly tied the game with 2 seconds to go.  Man, that was a close one.  Luckily for the Whines, he does not play defense, and whoa is that defense just as porous as Chip's most porous Oregon defenses over the years. I swear they couldn't stop a baby stroller pushed by an exhausted diaper-whipped dad. And I should know.  Humongous game next week vs. the Bears.  

JESTS 17, PATRIOTS 22
Another close call for a Doormat yesterday.  Good God, what were the Jests thinking, being ahead deep in the 4th quarter??  Well, relax, fans- the Patriots were safely guided down the field for the go-ahead TD, and Jets QB Ryan "Let Me Blow This" Fitzfumble fumbled away the Jests last fumbling 'chance.'   Jests still in the hunt for the Moldy Carpet, but not really because the Browns will win 1 game at most.  

BEARS 21, TITANS 27
The Barelys do it again- look like they are getting shellacked, and then stage the Futile Comeback and make it look like they tried.  It's a lot of Looking Like, and very little of Actually Being.  Who knew that Soldier Field was a land of fantasy?  Titans have risen to 6-6.  Look out world, a Doormat is crawling up out of the muck.

BUNGLES 14, RAVEN-POES 19
At the beginning of the season, the Bungles were a favorite to challenge for the AFC Championship.  Oh PLEASE. This is the Bungles we're talking about here, and they've already had two winning seasons in a row, and that's way way way more than should be asked for here.  Are they burning Andy Dalton jerseys in their BBQ's in the parking lot?  Are there still scraps of a Carson Palmer jersey in there?  You gonna eat that chicken leg?

GAGUARS 21, BILLS 28
Gags extend their losing streak to 6 games, now, and in this one showed a lot of savvy in losing the lead 5 times.  Not to be denied!  Rack it up!! Wild game up in Buffalo...look out, the Bills are 6-5.  How long has it been since they've been over .500 this late in the season?  Usually by now you know they'll get to 10 losses.  ANOTHER DOORMAT crawls out of the BASEMENT!!!

BUCS 14,  SEAHAGS 5
And yet another perennial loser and close friend is breathing the rarified air in the winning column.  6-5 and snuffing the Hags with ferocious defense (3 turnovers) has GOT to feel good.  

RAIDERS 35, PANTHERS 32
The Raiders' Derek Carr goes out for one series with a jammed pinkie, and the Panthers pounce on it like it was 25 points, which is what happened. But...Carr came back in, and this guy is amazing.  Well, here's our fabulous  Doormat Champ stomping all the way to the #1 seed in the AFC today.  GOOD GRIEF.  

aaaaaand THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!!

Niners Obliterate Cardinals in Spectacular Loss

SAN FRANCISCO 21, ARIZONA 33

In a classic Thursday Night Doormat battle between two 1-3 NFC Worst teams, the San Francisco Forty-Whiners out-terribled the Arizona Crudinals in a display of dysfunction that may be nearing perfection.  It was stunning.

Unfortunately, in the Basement, when teams achieve this perfection, they do insane things like change quarterbacks.  Hence, today's picture.

BUT, last night, the Niners started out with the black unis, hoping, perhaps, that no one would see or recognize them, and snagged the loss and now have a 1-4 record that looks like 2-14 to us. In between, it was first a hail of punts, hilariously overthrown- and I mean comic- balls right down the middle over the helpless wide open receiver who had nothing between themselves and paydirt, dink 3rd down passes that have no chance, then taunting penalties (after a measly first down), dropped wide open passes, 7 sacks, 3 turnovers, and just wow.  And I mean WOW, Doormat fans.  

The Crudinals, who are not so bad at this Doormat style themselves, sporting back-up QB Drew Stanton, held their own in the first quarter, punting with a vengeance (9 for the game), and even giving the Niners the first touchdown.  Sort of 'spotting' it, you might say.  But then, a quick interception from 49er QB Plain Gabbert, and a 1 play drive got the Cards their first TD.  

After that, it was just a matter of time. The Cards couldn't keep up with the team that never has gains over 20 yards (last in the league), runs an offense that looks strangely like some college ball scheme designed to take advantage of out-of-shape and not well coached kids (instead of teams of professionals), and has a crowd so sparse (Oakland A's sparse...Tampa Bay Devil Rays sparse) that the boo birds can't even get a wail up above the level of  "plaintive bleating."  Pour me another bowl of Cheese Balls, guys, it's ART.  It's soap opera, at least.

Now, when you really want to win the Moldy Carpet, it's all about how you come out in the second half- and what can you say to muffing the 2nd half kickoff, stopping the Cards at the 15 but then run into the kicker on the 4th down FG attempt, give the Cruds a first down, and then give up the touchdown on the next play?  Pack up the tuna sandwiches, honey, it's time to go home.  Oh, wait, that's an empty seat I'm talking to.  

It was all perfect. Now, the Whiners really don't have much in the way of options, so that's the plus in the Moldy Carpet drive. They have no stars, except one with a big afro on the bench, can't really execute the offense, and the defense, though clearly not buying into the Doormat philosophy completely, still gave up 33 points on a night when they were playing hard.

p.s.  We were baffled by the announcers giving Gabbert a vote of confidence (he's only lost everywhere he goes, and it's not the system, OK? Just WATCH) and a kind of school-marm admonishment to the critics, while also putting forward the usual baloney about why Kaepernick is not the right choice. It sounded like paid announcements, and, worse, a veiled cover for dislike that has been hurled Kaepernick's direction since he started taking a knee. Jesus Mary Joseph the WHOLE TEAM is taking a knee in the department of competitiveness, and if they want to have any chance of winning a game, they need to put that guy out there.  He can at least throw an accurate ball down the middle. 

aaaaAAAND That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

Monday Night Doormat Lights Out!!

RAMS DESTROY NINERS  0-28

Holy Toledo!  The Los Angeles Lambs wrapped up their season last night.  All done...except for 15 more games.  Mere formality.  

If there was any doubt about that, all you had to do was drink in the long shots of glum Ram fans, glumming out in a glum private fog, deftly bluffing the knowledge that their gloom was being broadcast to all football humans in the football universe.  Glom on that, blue and gold! The Lambs are back in LA!  

WOWEE.  Every Ram possession either ended in a punt, an interception, or loss of downs.  There AREN'T any other possessions, except for end of game.   10 punts! 10 first downs (shoulda been 7), 10 penalties for 102 yards, 3-15 on 3rd down, 185 total yards, 2 interceptions, chaotic defense, chippiness devolving into personal fouls, more chaos, your star defensive player being ejected, a quarterback who looked like he was playing with a broken thumb (but wasn't) and a coach who needs to get 10 losses to be the losingest NFL coach of all time. The only way coach Fisher won't get there is that he'll be fired in 3 games if this keeps up, which would be a shame, because this team could go 0-16.  Look out, Browns, there's a new kid on the block.  

As we pointed out in the last week's preview, Chip Kelly offenses, if you aren't a prepared, quick team in decent shape, will blow you off the field in the first half, and then, when they're just as tired in the 2nd half, try to hold on and win.  This isn't going to work against any actually good NFL teams, so DO try to temper your Niner enthusiasm. Blaine Gabbert, Carlos Hyde and their band of non-famous players strutted some serious mediocrity in the second half, and don't you forget it.  Carlos Hyde, should he stay healthy, is a great running back. Gabbert, if he keeps running around like that, will be on the IR in two weeks. Hello, Colin Kaeperkneel (who, by the way, has actually had a positive effect on his team, the opposite of what was predicted).   

But the Lambs had them so outclassed it was no contest.  

Lambs QB Case Keenum, looking beyond overmatched for an NFL game, is only there to keep the seat warm, and take all the punishment, until golden boy Jared Goff finally gets fitted with some shoulder pads.  Look for that to happen a LOT sooner in La-La land...like in 2 weeks.

NFL WEEK ONE WORST STATS

Points:   0           Lambs

Punts:   10          Lambs

First Downs: 10   Lambs

Penalties: 14/141- Rrraiders (wow)

Total Yards:  160      Bills

Rush:     22/52yds     Cardinals

Pass:    95                 Bils

Yards Allowed:  435   Washington

Sacked:    7/42          Bengals

Turnovers: 3        Broncos (2 int/ 1 fum)

Third down efficiency:  20%  2-10 Browns; 3-15  Rams

Time of Poss:  20:40  BROWNS  (so close to under 20!)

aaaAnd That's the View from the Basement!

-wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 4 WRAP UP!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK FOUR WRAP-UP

There is only ONE un-victorious team left, the illustrious Detroit Kittens, and tonight they have a chance to separate themselves from the rest of the NFL and reach 0-4.  They’re at Seattle, so things look good.  The Seahags haven’t been perfect, but the Lions have, so we’ll go with the Kitties pulling down an L and making it a thing of beauty.

And, in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s the Year of the Penalty.  Buffalo logged in yesterday with 17 for 135 yards the Jets with 14 for 163, though those were Imperial Yards.   That’s an insane amount of yardage and penalties.   The Jets won.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L         PF-PA

Kittens        0-3          56 – 83

Whiners     1-3           48 - 110

daBares     1-3           68 - 125

Boots         1-3           72 – 117

Aints          1-3           86 – 104

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Gaguars     1-3             62 – 107

Floppers    1-3             65 – 101

Brownies   1-3             85 -102

Cravens     1-3             93 - 104

Cheaps      1-3            100 -125

WEEK 4  WRAP UP

BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK

Texans 21, Falcons 48

It was 42-0 before the Falcons started choosing fans from the stands to play D.   The Toxins are rounding into shape, folks.  4 Turnovers, two returned for touchdowns.  Wow.

THE WILD FINISH

Jags 13, Colts 16 (OT)

There were a lot of close ones this week, teams pulling out last second losses in dire situations that could have ended in a demoralizing victory, but the Jags have no competition:  with the game tied with 6 seconds to go, placekicker Jason Myers sails one right- but WAIT the Colts called time out.  The Jags line up again and…Myers sails it again!  Overtime!  Then, the Jags got close enough for Myers to…hook one to the left.  Finally, out of options, the Colts kick a field goal themselves and just take the dingdong win.  Gags move into first place in the Doormat AFC.

Browns 27,  Chargers 30

The Chargers were game.  The Brownies actually scored points. But they pulled it off- a last second FG by the Blots keeps the Blank Helmet Dream moving.  Cleveland, you disappoint like nobody else.  And we love you for it.

DOORMAT EXHIBITION IN LONDON

Dolphins 14, Jets 27

I was worried when the Jags were not being sent back to represent the Doormat in London this year, but never fear, Florida has a surplus of talent in the Basement, and the Floppers delivered.  Pip pip!  Cheerio!  For he’s a jolly good punter!  Sadly, the Flops fired coach Philbin before he could even finish his fish and chips at Heathrow.  That’s no way to run a Doormat franchise..unless you are going to promote the guy all the players like on the coaching staff to run the team.  We’ll see.

DEATH MARCH SEASON

49ers 3,  Packers 17

After getting shelled two weeks in a row, this score at least looks close.  Don’t be fooled.  Though the 49er D played real football, the 49er offense is so bad that…they may not win another game.  I watched this one, and I don’t see how they will. The O-line can’t run block, can’t pass block, QB Kaepernick appears to have lost all his confidence, sailing balls out of bounds and scudding passes over the middle (‘scudding’ is bouncing the pass), visibly frustrated receivers, it’s all there.  48 points after 4 games is WAY OUT IN THE LEAD for lowest point total.   Not even Jacksonville can touch that, and that’s really really saying something. 

Also, Levi stadium really has a problem- there is nobody in the 50-yard line seats.  They call it the Red Hole (how charming), and it really looks weird when the cameras scan the seats.  It’s like a Division II college game being played there.  Oh, wait, I think I got it. 

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Raiders 20,  Bears 23

Coming into Chicago, riding a two game winning streak, the Raiders aren’t going to give up their Doormat Team of the Decade status easily.  They aren’t going to just hand it to daBares.  And they didn’t.  Kicking a FG with two seconds to go, daBears are forced to take the win, at home, when they could have effectively ended their season, and gone on a losing streak for the ages.  Tough luck, newbie. 

Bucs 23,  Panthers 37

Boots QB Jameis Winston gets it really going for TB with FOUR INTs – one a pick-six. 

Bucs toss in a fumble return for a Panther TD, and these guys look solid.  Only problem is their division has the Aints.  Says here the Aints win both of those.  Unless they already lost to them.  What do I know, I live in the basement with a broom closet for company.

Eagles  20,  Redskins 23

The wheels are coming off.  There is no spare.

Chiefs 21,  Bengals 36

7 Field goals by the Cheaps.  Good GOD.

THE WORST STATS FOR WEEK  4

Points:           3     49ers

First Downs:  8           49ers

Total Yards:  196         49ers

Passing:     96              Steelers

Rushing:   54               Texans 

Red Zone Failure:        0-whatever   Chiefs

Turnovers:  5               Bucs

Raspberry Turnovers (for TDs): 2      Bucs,  2  Texans

Punts:  8                      NYG

Penalties:  14/163        Jets   (9 teams had more than 80 yards in penalties. I have never seen that)

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!