First, the standings:
DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS
NFC
W-L PF-PA
Kittens 0-5 83 - 138
Whiners 1-4 75 - 140
Aints 1-4 103 - 143
Aints 1-4 103 - 143
daBares 2-3 86 - 142
Boots 2-3 110 - 148
AFC
W-L PF-PA
Gaguars 1-4 93 - 145
Toxins 1-4 97 - 135
Toxins 1-4 97 - 135
Floppers 1-3 65 – 101
Cravens 1-4 123 - 137
Cheaps 1-4 117-143
THE GAMES
BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK
LIONS 17, CARDINALS 42
Having a hard time getting your offense in gear? Come to the Kat Box in Detroit- you won't need one. Six turnovers from the Kitties, most of them deep in their own territory, and the Cards just walk them into the end zone. Cards amass only 15 first downs, but who needs that when you either start your drive at the Lion's 15 or get handed a 63-yard TD run? Kitty QB Matt Stafford, saddled with an offense he doesn't understand, backing up and flinging 4 INTs, gets benched for back-up Dan Orlovsky...who played for the 0-16 Lions in 2008. Tradition is a marvelous thing.
AINTS 17, EAGLES 39
Eagles look like the old Oregon Ducks for one game. Brought to you by the New Orleans Ain'ts.
Saying 'it's in the bag' has a whole 'nother meaning in NOLA. As in, get out your bags and stick your head in them for the next home game.
SNATCHING DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY
SEAHAGS 24, BENGALS 27 (OT)
17 point blown lead. Hey, the HAGS are 2-3. They're IN the basement, or at least hanging out by the BBQ on the patio, just outside our sliding glass door which is completely greased up with dog slobber on the bottom half. We tried to clean it a while back, but using the wax paper from under the pizzas was maybe not the best idea. The dogs liked it, though. Blowing a 17 point 4th quarter lead, the Hags deliver the biggest collapse of the 2015 season so far. Yes, it was against possibly the best team in the AFC, but doesn't that make it all the sweeter?
49ers 27, GIANTS 30
4 point blown lead. The SF Chronicle headline today: NOT A COMPLETE LOSS. Oh, my goodness, they just don't understand this game. The 49er shook things up this week, keeping it close for variety, and getting a dramatic lead with a minute left in the game...perfectly setting the stage to completely blow the game, and deflate a fan base. The Whiners kick off and march the Giants right down the field in no time at all for the touchdown and BOOM, grab the loss. When you can lose big AND lose at the last second, you are formidable. How do you prepare for that?
TITANS 13, BILLS 14 (STIFF OF THE WEEK)
7 point blown lead. 27 Total first downs. 13 punts. Whew. But yet- a nail biter! A couple of Doormat regulars, Bills win it in the 4th. Remember when Titans QB Marcus Mariota won the opener and it looked like LOOK OUT NFL? Yeah, well, they just weren't looking out in the right direction. Rookie season is always a good time to shoot for winning the Doormat Division, and now he's showing some acumen with the Killer Late Interception. Bills arrive at 3-2, but usually end up losing 10, so don't get too glum about their chances. They were playing some stiff competition.
RAVENS 30, BROWNS 33 (OT)
12 point blown lead. A back-and-forth Doormat tilt. This is the kind of game our Basement dwellers should deliver to their fans. 882 yards total offense! Wild, back and forth, mistake filled games with suspect defense that produce crazy plays and fabulous bumbling entertainment. Amidst it all, the Cravens keep piling up the penalties (12/98) even if the rest of the league seems to have calmed down slightly. They both still have losing records, but who cares? It makes the whole tail-gate worth it. Last time Browns won in Baltimore was 2008, by the sam 33-30 score.
CHIEFS 17, BEARS 18
14 point blown lead. Bears still blow two 2-point conversions, but to no avail. Cheaps out-crummy them to the bitter end. Cheaps very good at shutting down offense in 2nd half. Those half-time adjustments are clearly doing the job.
THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE
JAGS 31, BUCS 38
Another wild Doormat game with swiss-cheese defense! Total back-and-forth who can give up the big play more often kind of game. Jags come out on top.
RAIDERS 10, BRONCOS 16
The 're-born' Raiders just hit 2-3, and welcome back, guys. It is never the same without you around. Sea-Bass misses TWO field goals, unheard of, and Raiders QB Derek Carr throws a late interception pick six that iced it for the Broncs, throwing it in between 3 Raider receivers, two of whom weren't even looking. Raiders defense, in all honesty, played their brains out. Antique DB Charles Woodson picked off Manning twice. Don't forget Woodson won the Heisman over Manning. Think they don't still remember that?
REDSKINS 19, FALCONS 25 (OT)
Redskins really keep playing with fire every week. One of these days, they're going to win again.
NOTE: There is a surprising drop in punting this year.
NFL WEEK 5 WORST STATS
PENALTIES: 12/98 BALTIMORE
TURNOVERS: 6 (4/2) DETROIT (INT/FUM)
POINTS: 6 DALLAS
FIRST DOWNS: 13 BUFFALO
Total Yards: 209 BUFFALO (and they won)
Yards allowed: 505 BALTIMORE
Passing yards: 82 BUFFALO (did I mention they won?)
PUNTS: 8 SEATTLE
Total punts (both teams): 14 Seahags and Bengals
aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!!!
THE GAMES
BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK
LIONS 17, CARDINALS 42
Having a hard time getting your offense in gear? Come to the Kat Box in Detroit- you won't need one. Six turnovers from the Kitties, most of them deep in their own territory, and the Cards just walk them into the end zone. Cards amass only 15 first downs, but who needs that when you either start your drive at the Lion's 15 or get handed a 63-yard TD run? Kitty QB Matt Stafford, saddled with an offense he doesn't understand, backing up and flinging 4 INTs, gets benched for back-up Dan Orlovsky...who played for the 0-16 Lions in 2008. Tradition is a marvelous thing.
AINTS 17, EAGLES 39
Eagles look like the old Oregon Ducks for one game. Brought to you by the New Orleans Ain'ts.
Saying 'it's in the bag' has a whole 'nother meaning in NOLA. As in, get out your bags and stick your head in them for the next home game.
SNATCHING DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY
SEAHAGS 24, BENGALS 27 (OT)
17 point blown lead. Hey, the HAGS are 2-3. They're IN the basement, or at least hanging out by the BBQ on the patio, just outside our sliding glass door which is completely greased up with dog slobber on the bottom half. We tried to clean it a while back, but using the wax paper from under the pizzas was maybe not the best idea. The dogs liked it, though. Blowing a 17 point 4th quarter lead, the Hags deliver the biggest collapse of the 2015 season so far. Yes, it was against possibly the best team in the AFC, but doesn't that make it all the sweeter?
49ers 27, GIANTS 30
4 point blown lead. The SF Chronicle headline today: NOT A COMPLETE LOSS. Oh, my goodness, they just don't understand this game. The 49er shook things up this week, keeping it close for variety, and getting a dramatic lead with a minute left in the game...perfectly setting the stage to completely blow the game, and deflate a fan base. The Whiners kick off and march the Giants right down the field in no time at all for the touchdown and BOOM, grab the loss. When you can lose big AND lose at the last second, you are formidable. How do you prepare for that?
TITANS 13, BILLS 14 (STIFF OF THE WEEK)
7 point blown lead. 27 Total first downs. 13 punts. Whew. But yet- a nail biter! A couple of Doormat regulars, Bills win it in the 4th. Remember when Titans QB Marcus Mariota won the opener and it looked like LOOK OUT NFL? Yeah, well, they just weren't looking out in the right direction. Rookie season is always a good time to shoot for winning the Doormat Division, and now he's showing some acumen with the Killer Late Interception. Bills arrive at 3-2, but usually end up losing 10, so don't get too glum about their chances. They were playing some stiff competition.
RAVENS 30, BROWNS 33 (OT)
12 point blown lead. A back-and-forth Doormat tilt. This is the kind of game our Basement dwellers should deliver to their fans. 882 yards total offense! Wild, back and forth, mistake filled games with suspect defense that produce crazy plays and fabulous bumbling entertainment. Amidst it all, the Cravens keep piling up the penalties (12/98) even if the rest of the league seems to have calmed down slightly. They both still have losing records, but who cares? It makes the whole tail-gate worth it. Last time Browns won in Baltimore was 2008, by the sam 33-30 score.
CHIEFS 17, BEARS 18
14 point blown lead. Bears still blow two 2-point conversions, but to no avail. Cheaps out-crummy them to the bitter end. Cheaps very good at shutting down offense in 2nd half. Those half-time adjustments are clearly doing the job.
THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE
JAGS 31, BUCS 38
Another wild Doormat game with swiss-cheese defense! Total back-and-forth who can give up the big play more often kind of game. Jags come out on top.
RAIDERS 10, BRONCOS 16
The 're-born' Raiders just hit 2-3, and welcome back, guys. It is never the same without you around. Sea-Bass misses TWO field goals, unheard of, and Raiders QB Derek Carr throws a late interception pick six that iced it for the Broncs, throwing it in between 3 Raider receivers, two of whom weren't even looking. Raiders defense, in all honesty, played their brains out. Antique DB Charles Woodson picked off Manning twice. Don't forget Woodson won the Heisman over Manning. Think they don't still remember that?
REDSKINS 19, FALCONS 25 (OT)
Redskins really keep playing with fire every week. One of these days, they're going to win again.
NOTE: There is a surprising drop in punting this year.
NFL WEEK 5 WORST STATS
PENALTIES: 12/98 BALTIMORE
TURNOVERS: 6 (4/2) DETROIT (INT/FUM)
POINTS: 6 DALLAS
FIRST DOWNS: 13 BUFFALO
Total Yards: 209 BUFFALO (and they won)
Yards allowed: 505 BALTIMORE
Passing yards: 82 BUFFALO (did I mention they won?)
PUNTS: 8 SEATTLE
Total punts (both teams): 14 Seahags and Bengals
aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!!!
