Doormat Division NFL 2012 Preview

DOORMAT DIVISION 2012 PREVIEW!!!!!!!

The Worst Teams in the NFL 2012, Hands Down.

Greetings , football fans.  It’s almost time.  Time to stand up, and be counted.  Time to do what’s right for this country.  Time to-  can I sit down now?  I’m winded.

Who is ready?  Who has done what it takes in the off-season?  Who has reported to camp so out of shape that they don’t have a shape?  Who has been juicing with an entire microbrewery and setting off firearms in their pants?  What team has the cajones to make losing a team-wide effort, from the owner right down to the equipment manager? 

Tee it up!   Fish your lucky rock out from under the TV after you broke the screen with it in week 10 last year! 

OK let’s cut the crap- I’ve got some beer going stale on the patio and some porn to download to the Commodore 64- and take a look at our top finishers last year, and a couple teams that have the potential to make a spectacular dive-bomb into the BASEMENT.  

[Last Year’s record in parenthesis]

ST. LOUIS RAMS  (2-14)

The Reigning Chuckleheads of Ineptitude are back!  Jeff Fisher is the new coach.  So? They have a new GM.  And? They have a new offensive coordinator.  They probably even have a new girl at the front desk.  The Lambs are…trying to get better.  Their Doormat dominance is threatened!  Or is it?

Sam Bradford, just about the worst QB in the league the last couple of seasons- that still has a starting job- may actually get more than .5 seconds to throw this season.  If he waits that long.  At this point, he probably drops the groceries and hits the carpet if a seven-year-old comes up behind him.   The Lambs led the league in getting sacked, had the worst offense, scored only 9 passing TDs, and allowed, consistently, huge gainers right up the middle on defense.   Add in the atrocious DBs, and that’s quite a potent combination.   

They did draft a couple flashy DBs, but they’re still rookies, so don’t get me excited.

They are going to lean on…wait for it…Stephen Jackson.   In this league in this modern age, that’s just the white flag.  And that's the flag of victory if you are going for the worst record in the league!  

You don’t play ball control with a running game.  You do it with incredible special teams.   Wait’ll NEXT year.  Or the next.

Predicted finish:  2-14   and, honest, I don’t know who they are going to beat.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS  (2-12)

Andrew Luck! Andrew Luck! Andrew Luck!  Anybody else?  In fact, YES.  The Dolts took just about the whole team out to the dumpster this off-season, and have pledged to actually field Special Teams.   Luck’s favorite target at Stanford, Coby Fleener, is hanging around, so….

People, the Dolts were terrible last year.  Their defense was beyond stale. However, the Dolts play quite a few pretty darn crummy teams this year, so they have a shot to rack up some tainted wins against teams that gave up in Week 2.   Let’s remember that in Cam Newton’s first year, the Panthers improved from Doormat Champ (2-14) to 6-10.  Luck is going to keep them in games no doubt about it,  and the franchise appears to not be making the right kind of moves to establish a culture of losing, so it looks like…

Predicted finish:  5-11

MINNESOTA VIKINGS  (3-13)

Challenging to the end last season, in so many ways, the Yikings bring lots of potential to take the Moldy Carpet this year.  Immediately imperiling their chances are the first two games:  the Jaguars and the Dolts.   That’s gonna be tough to get by, but having Adrian Peterson not appearing until snap 1 next week, recovering from ACL surgery, is gonna help.

Remember, this is the team that blew more leads than any other team in the league last year.   They don’t adjust, and they get tired, and they had only two plays- hit the deck, and run for your life.   Losing that many leads again would take a miracle, but I think the Yikes are going to get behind early more often- it’s a stronger strategy.

The Yikes did not solve their linebacker problems and there is little sign the O-line has stepped up.  QB Christian Ponder is going to be better, but why not keep blitzing him like crazy last year, if the Yikes can’t stop them?  It’s going to be a LOOOOOONG season in the Twin Cities.  Their offense is coming from new kicker Blair Walsh, who, in the preseason, was booting 55-yard field goals like they were chip shots.   This could help ruin their chances.

Apparently, the management has stopped thinking they are GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL RIGHT NOW and are making actual attempts at building a franchise, so this may be the season to go for the Moldy Carpet, because these opportunities don’t come every year…except for the Lambs.

Predicted finish:  4-12

CLEVELAND BROWNS   (4-12)

You know, I’ve been told the sun still comes up in Cleveland.  But you wouldn’t know it if you took your cue from the sports universe of Cleveland.  It’s been a nuclear winter for a while now. 

Last year, new Brownies coach Pat Shurmur, thanks to the lockout, never met his team until about 5 minutes before kickoff in the first game.  The result?  Another solid season of losing, and doing it with no style at all.   none.   This off-season, they’ve ratcheted it up a couple notches-  the Brownies mean business folks.

They’ve changed ownership, BUT NOT THE COACH,  have a rookie at QB, RB and offensive RT.  At least with the break-downs being on the right side of the line, new QB Brandon Weeden will SEE the freight trains about to run him over, and he can dive for the turf quickly. 

The Browns did not turn the ball over much last year, but that’s going to be the new wrinkle in their offense- the killer turnover, and the defense, which wasn’t atrocious, still shows no sign of being able to stop the run. 

Their first 5 games are against the Eagles and then 4 playoff teams, including the Giants. 

Pow! WOW!   Pour a bowl of Chomps and tilt the recliner waaaaaaaay back, Cleveland.  Like, say, to Detroit.

Predicted finish:  1-15 and Odds-on favorite for the Moldy Carpet.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS  (4-12)

Well, somebody has to get better around here.  It’s not these guys.  College coach from Rutgers takes over the growing Bootineer culture of losing.  Just what they need- some good ol’ college pep for a team that flat-out QUIT last year, dive-bombing the final 10 games of the season. 

Uh-oh- Preston Parker is still on the roster- the fumblinest man in football.   Look for Josh Freeman and Parker to resume their unmatched match made in Doormat Heaven.   The linebackers look just as suspect as last season, and…they needed to take this whole roster to the laundry chute.

I was reading an anaylst’s blog about how the Bucs are trying to get back to the ‘glory days.’  You mean, 1976?!?   Don’t put that kind of pressure on them.  Please, no orange pants.  Think about it- that's what they have to wear for 'throwback' games.  

The Bucs have to play Atlanta twice, New Orleans twice and the Panthers twice.  That’s 6 losses already.  This team is prime target #1 for teams that are turning it around and want to prove it.  Redskins game on Sept 30^th will be exhibit A.  I see K.C. in Oct.,  Minnesota in Nov., and the Lambs in Dec. as the only games that are going to spoil their quest for the bottom of the NFC and another perfect season.  If they can get their quit on before that, these guys could do it.

Predicted Finish:  3-13

WASHINGTON REDSKINS   (5-11)

With RGB III and anybody else with a name that sounds like an old Xbox cable, these guys will improve under the Shanaplan, which will be a shame because I just love to watch Shanahan’s various looks of incredulity as his boys blow another game.  OK, he’s only got one expression, but it’s priceless.  

Predicted finish:   7-9

The Buffalo Bills,  Miami Dolphins and the NY Jets

We have a unique situation here, with three teams all capable of totally imploding, yet they are all in the same division, have to play each other twice and they all get the Lambs, Crudinals and Seattle.    It’s not as amazing as the NFC West a couple seasons ago when 7-9 was good enough for the crown, but it’s gonna be a real dogfight to see who can get to the basement and stay there.   LAST year, the Bills looked great for 7 weeks, and then Ryan Fitzpatrick went on an unprecedented interception rampage.  The Fins found a way to lose so often it was uncanny,  and the Jets and Coach Ryan just can’t keep up the Super Bowl talk anymore.  Nobody’s listening, and that includes the players. 

Right around week 10 these teams records will be 3-7, 4-6 and 6-4.  You pick.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS  (5-11)

Blaine Gabbart is still the QB.  Things can’t be that much better.  Plus, the Gaguars have the hardest schedule next to the Brownies.  If they haven’t gone down to Louisiana to get a mojo hand I think this team could give the Brownies a serious run for the Carpet.

Predicted Finish:   6-10

KANAS CITY CHIEFS   (7-9)

There’s nowhere to go but sideways.  Cheep!

Predicted Finish   8-8

OAKLAND RAIDERS  (8-8)

Any team with Carson Palmer makes the Cincinnati Bengals happy- as long as it’s not them.   The Raydurzzzz  led the league in penalties last year, and still will find a way to miss the playoffs one more time.   

Predicted Finish:   7-9

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (7-9)

Seahags management finally found out their uniform designer was colorblind, and for the first time in franchise history you can see the team when they are on the field. That's two more wins right there.

Imagine how much worse it would have been if they’d played outside in the rain and mist in those green on green on bluish green on blue on grayish green blue things all these years.   

Prestidigitated Finish:  10-6

PHOENIX U. CARDINALS   (8-8)

The Cruds get the Lambs twice,  the Nils, Jets, Dolphins,  and Minnesota, so it’s going to be just as hard as last year to contend for the Moldy Carpet.   They can't catch a break.  But they’ll still be 0-3 after starting with the Seahags,  Patriots and Eagles, so never count this team out.  

Premeditated finish:    7-9

Man, I just can't WAIT for Sunday.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand That's the View from the Basement!!!