DOORMAT DIVISION 11-year Standings UPDATE!

DOORMAT DIVISION 11-year (plus) STANDINGS

Now that the Raiders have fired head coach Dennis Allen, we have to put down a marker as we follow the CURSE OF CHUCKY legacy.  Here are the current standings (4 games into 2014 season) on the best Doormats ever since that fateful Super Bowl. As you can see, the Raiders are starting to get some separation on the Browns and Lions.
Ever since the Raiders lost the Super Bowl after the 2002 season, getting blown out by the Tampa Bay Bucs, the Curse of Chucky has been in effect (Jon Gruden's revenge), as the Silver and Blacked Out have not registered a winning season since then. Remember, Gruden coached the Raiders until being fired by Davis for being, uh, so good a coach the players liked him better than Davis, plus Davis not getting credit for the team's success. Then Gruden took over the Bucs the next season, and just buried the Raiders in the Super Bowl, 48-21. Until the Raiders have a winning season, all long-term Doormat Standings will begin with the 2003 season.  
 
OAKLAND RAIDERS     53-127

CLEVELAND BROWNS  57-122

DETROIT LIONS          58-122

ST. LOUIS RAMS         64-115

BUFFALO BILLS          71-109   


Until they re-hire Gruden, or have a "Jon Gruden" day in Oakland, this is not going to stop.

CHEAPS FALL OUT OF DOORMAT CONTENTION...for NOW

CHIEFS 41, PATS 14
Anagram score!!!!  

Say, has anybody looked at the AFC East Standings?  I think this division might be the bomb of the league.  Buffalo is in FIRST??  There's going to be a LOT of parity going around on the Atlantic seaboard.

Meanwhile, the Cheaps find out the Pats are far more Doormat material than they are, and Alex Smith plays one of those games you wish Colin Scampernick would play-  perfect easy to catch passes, no dumb mistakes, excellent clock management....I forget now, why did the Niners get rid of Smith at the height of his career?  How many Super Bowl trophies have they added now?

On the other hand, I think a lot of people would like to see Camper-van-Scamper play terrible as often as he is physically able.  Ol' Kaep has a way of irritating fans of other teams kind of like Joe Theisman did...or John Elway.  You just can't stand him for some reason.

The Doormat Division: Week Four Wrap-Up and Punt into the Thames

SILVER AND BLACKED OUT!!

What a weekend, what a weekend, WHAT A WEEKEND!

Let's roll!

Raiders 14,  Dolphins 38 (The Second Great Stink of London)

If the Raiders are not as bad as the Jags, it's not for lack of trying. Laying down a stellar stinker in the land of the Great Stink (London 1858), the Raiders fail to: run. pass. defend. lineup. I'm not kidding about the lineup thing. The reeling Dolphins pile 435 yards of offense onto that stink and..and... Raiders owner Mark Davis is faced with a difficult task this morning: Getting out of bed.  I'll bet he heard some gentle rapping...tap tap tapping at his chamber door last night and an employee was sent out to the his Dad's crypt to make sure the lid's on tight.  I bet it isn't. 

The real challenge, once he gets to the office and heats up last Friday's coffee and pulls the bottle out of the 2nd drawer, is whether he has to fire coach Dennis Allen to look like he cares, but yet somehow still lose all 16 games on the schedule, or keep Allen in there and just GO FOR IT.  This is always the roughest moment when making a run to the Moldy Carpet trophy.  Making personnel changes that don't actually change the climate. Here, in Raider-land, it's doable.

Allen is the perfect terrible coach.  He pretty flatly stated he had no idea what to do during the post-game funeral, and also his players are quite sure he has no idea what to do, because they have no idea what to do.  Now THAT'S "Commitment to Pestilence." I mean, excellence. So, here's what we do:  Fire Allen but keep GM Reggie McKenzie, the west coast re-incarnation of Matt Millen.  McKenzie hasn't made one right move yet, his touch is magic. Mark Davis hired McKenzie without interviewing any other candidates.  I don't know.  When you've been the worst team for the last decade, maybe you interview, ah, TWO guys.   Just to, you know, learn something.  

But why do that when you have wrapped up the hard part of the Doormat schedule and now just about every team for the next 7 weeks should bury the Raydurz? I hear there's room in the crypt. 

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS  

NFC             W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-3              72         119     -47

Washington    1-3              95        109      -14

St. Louis        1-2               56         85       -29         

New Orleans   1-3              95        110     -15

Carolina          2-2              73        96         -23

         

AFC                              

Jacksonville    0-4               58       152      -94

Oakland         0-4                51       103     - 52

Tennessee      1-3                60       110     -50

NY Jets          1-3               76        96        -20

Cleveland       1-2               74       77        -3

THE REST of the SORRY PILE:

AFC

JAGS 14, CHARGERS 33

The Jags are a Big Play team.  They gave up two TD passes over 40 yards yesterday and kept the passing lanes open on Gaguar Freeway all day for Philip Rivers.  Gags still showing great 2nd half collapse (zero points), and it bodes well for keeping pace with the Raiders.  Maybe this is their year.

TITANS 17, COLTS 41

The Titanics are back!  Time of possession 17:39, the season record so far.  Two more yards and the Colts get 500 for the day.  With QB Jake Locker out,  Doormat veteran Charlie Whitehurst steps in and stops the offense for the whole day. Whoa, Nellie!  If the Titanics can sink against the Steelers next week, no gimme, the blockbuster in Week 6 is Titanics-Gaguars.  I'm checking for tickets on StubHub NOW. There's probably only 19,000 left!  I can buy 100 for $5 and take the whole choir! 

JETS 17,  LIONS 24

The Lions don't look like Doormat material this year.  Curse that new coach.  The Jets, on the other hand, may finally be easing out of the Parity Division and getting serious about stringing together some losses.  What a packed field of contenders.

BILLS 17, TEXANS 23

Finally, a hard fought game of Parity.  But I include these guys because it's early, the Toxins are last year's champ, and the puntin' Bills got off 9 punts, our first 9 punt game of the year.  Houston, somehow, has three 'wins'.  Raiders, Redksins and the Biffs.  Not sure if that's winning.  It's not losing. But it ruins your Doormat chances. Let's leave it at that.

NFC

It seems like the AFC has the lock on Doormat glamour, but the NFC is keeping pace.  Lacking a winless team, they still have FOUR one-win teams.  

SAINTS 17, COWBOYS 38

Saints look pretty dreadful.  Pile up a ton of yards, but just get run over.  1-3 cannot be ignored.  Where's my Ain'ts bag?

BUCS 27,  STEELERS 24

See, I told you.  The Steelers just need to make up their minds and get the game plan rolling.  Losing to the Bootineers is a bold step- AT HOME.  Game on.

REDSKINS 14, GIANTS 45

The Deadskins beat the Jags in week 2.  That might be it for a while- like, the rest of the year. This week they whipped out a turnover party -SIX against the defenseless NY Gnats.  They never knew what hit them. 

VIKINGS 41, FALCONS 28

Don't pull the Failcons out of the Basement yet.  Careful, there.  They lost 3 offensive linemen to injury yesterday.  They could come storming back.  The Yikings, on the other hand, lost QB Matt Cassell and this new rookie is messing everything up.  He just doesn't know.  But, he got hurt yesterday, so maybe, during the down-time, someone can get his education rolling.  

LAMBS did not play.  They'll be ready next week, do not fear.  The were hangin' with the Brownies all week, so look out for some new twists.

PANTHERS 10, RAVENS 38

Pansies look pretty bad for a team tied for first in their division.  They have zero running game, and a defense filled with people I've never heard of. Never mind that I have never heard of 90% of the players on NFL rosters.  That's beside the point.  The point is the Panthers are going to make a run. Mark my words.  Unless I'm wrong, then forget all about it.

aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 4 PREVIEW

   WEEK 4:  Get Your Mojo Workin'    

We still have 3 winless teams, and a raft of 1-2 teams, all looking to find the Basement by the end of the day on Sunday. 0-4 puts you in the driver's seat. 1-3 shows promise.  2-2 is Parity Division, the purgatory of the NFL. Let's get to the games:

NY Giants (1-2) at Washington (1-2)

Tonight! A crucial divisional Doormat game.  

The Giants beat the Toxins last week...that's enough of that.  Deadskins score too much, and the Gnats can be a turnover machine if they stop concentrating so hard.  

'Skins should beat the +3.5 spread, but not the over-under (46). In fact, this game could be 53-28. A Slingathon!

Edge to lose:  GIANTS

Raiders (0-3) vs.  Miami (1-2) in London

Ah, another year, another Doormat Celebration in London! Lose here and get the Doormat seal of approval.  Will the Raiders score a touchdown? Or will they show some 'real football' respect, and just kick it around all day?  Miami may have some bumble, but is no match for the bumba-bumbling Raiders, but it will come down to the final punt and a cheerleader in a red phone booth.

Edge to lose:  RAIDERS

Jacksonville (0-3) at San Diego (2-1)

The Jags didn't go to London this year.  That should make 'em mad. They'll come out with their best Doormat game plan- lose and lose big.  Actually, Jags will flail as hard as possible to ward off suspicion that they really DO intend to go 0-16.  Chargers will be over-confident.  It won't make a difference.

Edge to lose:  JAGS

Tampa Bay (0-3) at Pittsburgh (2-1)

Somehow, the Steelers are 2-1.  They can't buy a loss.  What looked like a promising early schedule to establish some Doormat cred is backfiring terribly, and here come the Bootineers, the darlings of defeat in this young season.  Steelers will look like Super Bowl contenders in this one.  They won't make the 45 point Over/Under, though.  I'll smelt my toaster if they go over 30.   

Edge to lose: BUCS

Buffalo (2-1) at Houston (2-1)

These teams have winning records. I'm not saying anything.  Lose 2 or 3.  Then we'll talk.

...but, Ryan Fitzpatrick facing his old team should be priceless.  

Philadelphia (3-0) at 49-Whiners (1-2)

This is it.  The real test.  Can they descend into a mire they haven't wallowed in since Mike Singletary was prowling the sidelines and dropping his pants?  If the 49ers can keep up the penalty parade, the mediocre linebacking, and not alter the paltry coaching adjustments, they have a chance.  They'll need a killer turnover late in the 4th to pull it off, though.  With that ragged O-line they're running out there, I don't see why not.

Edge to Lose:  49ers

Detroit (2-1) at NY Jets (1-2)

Looks like having a new coach is working for the Lions.  The Jets have no idea what having a new coach is.  Rex Ryan just keeps quipping his way to job security.  And the periodic great game from Geno Smith.  It happens here.  Can YOU say Parity?

Edge to Lose:  LIONS

Atlanta (2-1) at Minnesota (1-2)

The Vikings announced today that since they are playing all their home games at the University of Minnesota this year, it seems only fair that the University of Minnesota should take the field on Sunday against the rejuvenated Falcons.  They'll be back from Ann Arbor and their little pick-up game with some boys at Michigan, had a few beers and eaten some excellent dorm food,  and be fresh as a daisy.  

Edge beyond all Edges to lose:  VIKINGS

Tennessee (1-2) at Indianoplis (1-2)

It's in the bag.

Edge to lose:  TITANICS

Pull up a bean bag, pop a frosty, and root for the underdog, Doormat Denizens-

-Wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS  

NFC             W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     0-3               45         95     -50

St. Louis        1-2               56         85     -29         

Green Bay      1-2               54        79      -25

NY Giants      1-2               58        77      -19

San Franny     1-2               62        68      -6            

AFC                              

Jacksonville    0-3               44      119     -75

Oakland         0-3                37       65      -30

Tennessee      1-2                43       69      -26

Miami            1-2               58       83      -25

Cleveland       1-2               74       77       -3

THE DOORMAT DIVISION: WEEK 3 Wrap-Up and Punt

WEEK 3:  Falling Behind the Pack,

Except the Pack Came with Us

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS   WEEK 3

NFC             W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     0-3               45         95     -50

St. Louis        1-2               56         85     -29         

Green Bay      1-2               54        79      -25

NY Giants      1-2               58        77      -19

San Franny     1-2               62        68      -6            

AFC                              

Jacksonville    0-3               44      119     -75

Oakland         0-3                37       65      -30

Tennessee      1-2                43       69      -26

Miami            1-2               58       83      -25

Cleveland       1-2               74       77       -3

THE WRAP:

I went 7-1 with my picks this week.  Not bad!

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK:

Our AFC and NFC leaders both turn in stellar blowouts.  Tampa loses by 42, which vaults their point differential into Doormat All-Star territory.  Jacksonville loses by 27 to an angry Andrew Luck, but looks so much worse than the score.  Pick your favorite folks, these two teams WAY out in front in the Doormat Run to the Moldy Carpet.

This Week's Eye-Openers:  

Packers 7, Kittens 19

The Packers are legitimate Doormat members this week.  223 Total yards.  The Porkers are a team to watch. But, they have to lose to the Yikings twice, so that's tough.

49ers  14,  Cardinals 23

They'll probably pulverize the really bad teams, but whoo-boy is this team living up to its jailbird status.  BONEHEAD penalties that kill a 1st and goal at the 5 in the 4th quarter. BONEHEAD penalties that hand the Cards points. Dominant 1st half and complete zero in the 2nd half (that's pretty much the scenario in every game).  How is this not Doormat?  I think it is!  And here come the slingin' Eagles.  Good luck, 4-to-Niners.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Lambs 31,  Cowpies 34

Really, our Marquee game yesterday, and the Lambs deliver themselves up on a skewer. Up 21-0 in the 2nd quarter, the Lambs just hand it over to Tony Romo (and that takes some baaaaaaad defense) and the clean livin' Cowpokes, who commit only 3 penalties, which was probably the difference.

Titanics 7,  Bengals 33

Are they back?  Are they back?  

Brownies 21, Ravens 23

They are scoring points.  The defense is not all bad.  Still, THEY ARE LOSING, and losing to divisional foes.  Also, 12 penalties for 94 yards ain't chopped liver. Blank Helmet football marches on, however tenuously.

Yikings 9,  Saints 20

Not even the Saints can have a bad defense against the Yikes.  13 first downs, 3 field goals, and a Bridgewater at QB.  Things are slowing down in Minneapolis...wait'll the temperature drops.

Floppers 15, Chiefs 34

The Chiefs fall out of the standings this week, and the Flops solidify a spot in the Basement.  

Toxins 17,  Giants 30

The Gnats just couldn't lose to the Toxins.  It was asking too much.  And we knew that. Toxins get off the snide and lose one- and looking just as bad as last year.  Don't give up on this team.  They've got Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB!!

Raydurz 9, Patriots 16

I didn't forget them.  Our AFC contenders are still losing, though yesterday's game looked like a win.  But getting flagged for a penalty on the TD that would have tied it sounds very Raider-like, so not all is lost.  They still didn't get a touchdown. 

THIS WEEK'S LOWLIGHTS:

Points           7   Pack, Titans

First Downs  13  Vikings

Yards           223  Packers

Turnovers     3     Lambs,  Toxins  (Fitzy gets 3 INTs)

Punts           8     Denver

Penalties      9-107,  49ers  and 11-101 Buffalo, 7-105 (value-pak) Panthers

aaaAAAAAND That's the View from the BASEMENT!!!! 

Talk Like a.....

ATLANTA 56,  TAMPA BAY BOOTINEERS  14

It's "Talk Like A Pirate" day today.  Maybe not in Tampa.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 3 PREVIEW

WEEK 3-  Desperation for teams with Aspiration who need Respiration

Kansas City at Miami-  Cheeps are 0-2 and could be so much worse.  Plus they have a tougher schedule, thanks to winning their division last year (even though they tried to tank out).  Miami is no easy loss, though, and the Cheeps will have to come out with their patented zero tolerance offense...the one that does nothing and does it professionally.   Edge to Lose:  Chiefs

Tampa Bay at Atlanta:  Tonight!  The battle of Florida!  Sorry Miami.  Just because the Falcons won a game doesn't mean they are all better now.  They beat the Saints, and the Saints don't have a defense yet. They've scheduled them to show up later in the season. But that's okay because Tampa has no timetable for the arrival of their offense. If the Boots can Boot this one, put them on the inside track for the NFC lead.  Edge to Lose:  BUCS

Indianapolis at Jacksonville: Pinch yourself, Gags fans, this is a game between TWO  winless teams, our first winless game that has some weight. Doormat Heaven. Lose this one and you are staring up from the Basement, no doubt about it.  But the Gags own the basement, have decorated it for years, and really are kinda comfortable and don't want to go out much any more.  The Colts, if they can actually lose this unlikely pairing, will feel like they are at the bottom of the ocean.  Gags will cough up a ton of points to Andrew Luck. The Gags are not going to miss this opportunity to pad their stats.   Edge to lose: Jaguars

Oakland at New England:  The Pats may, in fact, not be the team they once were, but the Raiders aren't suffering from this problem.  They haven't won an east coast game in 14 tries.  I don't have to explain these guys. Al, your son is a terrible owner.  The Silver and Blacked Out march on.   Edge to lose:  Raiders by a mile.

Green Bay at Detroit: Come on, Kittens!!  Here's a chance to show that the Kat Box is still the stinking stink hole it's been for years, except for one aberration season.  Lose this one, and empty lots all over Detroit will heave up decaying Lion pennants and posters with one voice. But you know what?  I don't think so. Edge to Lose:  Packers (yes that's what I said)

Baltimore at Cleveland:  How good are the Browns? Don't ask that!  Ask HOW BAD ARE THE RAVENS??  The AFC North could be the worst division in the NFL (although the NFC South gets upset every time it hears that), and this game will go a long way to establishing just who gets to come into the Basement and sit on the orange couch. I think it's orange.  Mold is orange sometimes, isn't it?  Excitement in Cleveland.  Please someone bring them down slowly. Ravens defense (still pretty scary) snuffs out the Blank Helmets.  Edge to lose:  BROWNIES

Houston at NY Giants:  The Toxins are 2-0!!  And here comes what might be the worst team in the NFC!  Good Heavens!! If the Gnats can blow this one, they'll be in the juicy 0-3 hole that coach Tom Coughlin seems to be hectoring his team into.  But Eli Manning can't be bad every game...can he?  Toxins come back to earth.  EDGE TO LOSE:  TEXANS

Minnesota at New Orleans:  Somebody has to win. Vikings inexplicably re-instate Adrian Petersen, clouding their chances to march to defeat with confidence. They'll muddle through.  EDGE to LOSE:  VIKINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS   WEEK 2

NFC             W-L              PF       PA

NY Giants     0-2               28        60

Tampa Bay    0-2               31        39

New Orleans  0-2   58         63

St. Louis        1-1              25         51

Washington   1-1               47         27

Dallas            1-1              43         38            

Detroit           1-1              42         38

AFC                              

Jacksonville   0-2                27       75

Kansas City    0-2               27       50

Indianapolis   0-2                51       61

Oakland         0-2                27       49

Pittsburgh     1-1                 36      53

Cleveland       1-1               53       54

Miami           1-1                43       49

After the Guacamole Turns Grey Week 2 Review

All right, I've been allowed back into the basement.  The police have left, the yellow tape is fluttering in the wind on the patio, and I promise not to rent to mammals other than humans again.  And, I understand now that Ferrets, Weasels and Badgers don't really get along.

WHO LOOKS LIKE A SURE THING?

AFC

1.  Oakland Raiders (0-2).  There is no doubt about it- the Raydurz are bringing organizational, planned ineptitude to the field.  The coaches, the owner the general manager. This is their PLAN. They can't block, have no defense, and they can't run. Add a rookie QB and a backup who's lost all his confidence.  BOOM.  That's John Madden's meth lab RV blowing up.

Right now, it looks like their only competition is the Jaguars.  Let's let veteran Raiders safety Charles Woodson tell it:  "We suck.  That's as blunt as I can put it. ...Collectively, we look bad.  It's frustrating because everything other people say about us, we're making them right. I am really embarrassed."  Charles, cheer UP.  The Moldy Carpet may be yours.  

Looking at the entire schedule, I'd say they're only chance for victories are Sept 28th vs. Miami, Nov. 30th vs. St. Louis, and the two KC games, as the Chiefs look extremely shaky and anything can happen in a Raiders-Chiefs game.  Anything.  Predicted finish  3-13.

next loss:  @ New England

2. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2).    75 points given up already.  Two blowouts.  Jags could run the table, but they'll need some luck.  Pittsburgh (10/5) will be tough to lose to at home.  Cleveland (10/19) may be better now, but when long-time Doormat brothers meet-up it's like old times, and it's a home game for the Gags.  Then Dallas (11/9) and the big one, the Giants (11/30) pose the other threats to a perfect season.  All home games.  Predicted finish:  2-14

Teams showing promise-  The Chiefs are still losing every almost every game since the mid-point of last year.  They'll beat the Raiders, but who else?   Everybody else just looks mediocre right now.

NFC

1. New York Giants  (0-2)   This is exciting.  The Giants may be stylishly bad.   4 turnovers yesterday,  yet piling up yards.  They move the ball, but can't score!  They still can't run the ball, and Eli Manning will be flinging from the locker room.  Coach Tom Coughlin is on the hot seat.  The BIG TEST is this week, at home against the mighty Houston Toxins.  At 2-0, the Toxins have 3 of the worst teams for the first three weeks of the season.  If the Giants can lose to these posers, they are on their way.
Predicted finish:  5-11

2.  Tampa Bay Bucs  (0-2)  Showing serious mettle by losing at the last second to the St. Louis Lambs yesterday, the Bucs are an early season favorite, as always.  But can they hold on?  Frequent late season surges spoil potential perfect seasons.  The schedule is soft, some real powder puffs in there, so anything can happen.  But....hey MOST of the teams in this league are pretty lousy, so anything can happen.   Predicted Finish:  5-11.

Teams with potential:  

Minnesota Vikings.  They flipped out after yesterday's loss and re-instated Adrien Peterson.  That's just how desperate it all is over there.  Still, any team with Matt Cassel at QB has a chance to lose every single week.

 Detroit Lions- I can't say no to the Kittens.  Last year they really brought it.  I have confidence.

St. Louis- again, the established credentials of the Lambs cannot be ignored, and you don't count them out of the Moldy Carpet until they are over .500 in the 10th week.

 San Francisco 49ers.  There is something seriously off about these guys. The new stadium looks so plastic. They're 50 miles away from SF.  There was a line at the tofu dog stand. What is their identity? Their entire defensive philosophy seems to be 'grab them in their face.'  QB Kaepernick is running for his life, and throwing INTs.  16 penalties for 118 yards!!  The feeling that maybe the wheels are about to come off is palpable.  Stay tuned.

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 2

THE DOORMAT DIVISION

WEEK 2

Wow!  What a Week 2!!   There's NO telling where this is leading, as the Parity Monster begins to rear it's ugly head already.   Browns win at the last second!  Toxins 2-0!!  Bills 2-0!!  Lambs win!   The Raiders, of course, got clobbered.  Someone has to maintain the status quo around here.  Looks like maybe the skittish decided the Vikes weren't doormat material a shade too soon. They were back to their usual hijinks yesterday. BUT YOU NEVER KNOW.  

In the NFC, the Gnats look like they're shaping up to be the cream of the creme, already minus 32 in point differential.  Bucs prove they can lose to the Lambs, no small feat, in what was the Marquee Doormat game of the week.  And the Seahawks, at the opposite end of the football spectrum, hold the ball for a measly 17:25 against the Chargers, who shredded that Seattle defense like cheap iceberg lettuce at a fly-infested taqueria.  They're eating guacamole out of a Seahawk helmet tonight!!

THE AFC-   Who has it better than Jacksonville?  Nobody!  They get pummeled by the Deadskins as if the 'Skins are Super Bowl material.  And, in my boldest prediction of the season, the Brownies will finish the season in the Parity Division.  Celebrate the mediocrity.  It beats the alternative.  

Chiefs looking like Doormat material, though really they will probably beat up on the really mediocre teams.  That still may only get them to 6-10.   They are headed for the 10 Club this year.   

Teams in italics are not any of our current franchises.  Pretenders to the throne.   

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS   WEEK 2

NFC             W-L              PF       PA

NY Giants     0-2               28        60

Tampa Bay    0-2               31        39

New Orleans  0-2   58         63

St. Louis        1-1              25         51

Washington   1-1               47         27

Dallas            1-1              43         38            

Detroit           1-1              42         38

AFC                              

Jacksonville   0-2                27       75

Kansas City    0-2               27       50

Oakland         0-2                27       49

Pittsburgh     1-1                 36      53

Cleveland       1-1               53       54

Miami           1-1                43       49

p.s.  Yes, readers, I am aware we missed the beginning of the season.  It's not my fault 'Fish had to call me from India to tell me the season was starting.  How am I supposed to know football has started? I've been living in a mobile home outside of a single A ball team's field-  I almost got into a game.  That mascot suit was sweaty.  But, you know what?  Let's get realistic- this is the Doormat Division.  How would it look if we were right on time for the start of the season?  What kind of precedent would that set?  A terrible one, let me tell you.  Next thing you know, you'd be demanding mediocrity from us.  NEVER FEAR, dear devoted Doormat Denizens, will not let you down.

aaaaAAAAAND THAT'S the VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!