WEEK 4: Get Your Mojo Workin'
We still have 3 winless teams, and a raft of 1-2 teams, all looking to find the Basement by the end of the day on Sunday. 0-4 puts you in the driver's seat. 1-3 shows promise. 2-2 is Parity Division, the purgatory of the NFL. Let's get to the games:
NY Giants (1-2) at Washington (1-2)
Tonight! A crucial divisional Doormat game.
The Giants beat the Toxins last week...that's enough of that. Deadskins score too much, and the Gnats can be a turnover machine if they stop concentrating so hard.
'Skins should beat the +3.5 spread, but not the over-under (46). In fact, this game could be 53-28. A Slingathon!
Edge to lose: GIANTS
Raiders (0-3) vs. Miami (1-2) in London
Ah, another year, another Doormat Celebration in London! Lose here and get the Doormat seal of approval. Will the Raiders score a touchdown? Or will they show some 'real football' respect, and just kick it around all day? Miami may have some bumble, but is no match for the bumba-bumbling Raiders, but it will come down to the final punt and a cheerleader in a red phone booth.
Edge to lose: RAIDERS
Jacksonville (0-3) at San Diego (2-1)
The Jags didn't go to London this year. That should make 'em mad. They'll come out with their best Doormat game plan- lose and lose big. Actually, Jags will flail as hard as possible to ward off suspicion that they really DO intend to go 0-16. Chargers will be over-confident. It won't make a difference.
Edge to lose: JAGS
Tampa Bay (0-3) at Pittsburgh (2-1)
Somehow, the Steelers are 2-1. They can't buy a loss. What looked like a promising early schedule to establish some Doormat cred is backfiring terribly, and here come the Bootineers, the darlings of defeat in this young season. Steelers will look like Super Bowl contenders in this one. They won't make the 45 point Over/Under, though. I'll smelt my toaster if they go over 30.
Edge to lose: BUCS
Buffalo (2-1) at Houston (2-1)
These teams have winning records. I'm not saying anything. Lose 2 or 3. Then we'll talk.
...but, Ryan Fitzpatrick facing his old team should be priceless.
Philadelphia (3-0) at 49-Whiners (1-2)
This is it. The real test. Can they descend into a mire they haven't wallowed in since Mike Singletary was prowling the sidelines and dropping his pants? If the 49ers can keep up the penalty parade, the mediocre linebacking, and not alter the paltry coaching adjustments, they have a chance. They'll need a killer turnover late in the 4th to pull it off, though. With that ragged O-line they're running out there, I don't see why not.
Edge to Lose: 49ers
Detroit (2-1) at NY Jets (1-2)
Looks like having a new coach is working for the Lions. The Jets have no idea what having a new coach is. Rex Ryan just keeps quipping his way to job security. And the periodic great game from Geno Smith. It happens here. Can YOU say Parity?
Edge to Lose: LIONS
Atlanta (2-1) at Minnesota (1-2)
The Vikings announced today that since they are playing all their home games at the University of Minnesota this year, it seems only fair that the University of Minnesota should take the field on Sunday against the rejuvenated Falcons. They'll be back from Ann Arbor and their little pick-up game with some boys at Michigan, had a few beers and eaten some excellent dorm food, and be fresh as a daisy.
Edge beyond all Edges to lose: VIKINGS
Tennessee (1-2) at Indianoplis (1-2)
It's in the bag.
Edge to lose: TITANICS
Pull up a bean bag, pop a frosty, and root for the underdog, Doormat Denizens-
-Wacko
DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS
NFC W-L PF PA DIFF
Tampa Bay 0-3 45 95 -50
St. Louis 1-2 56 85 -29
Green Bay 1-2 54 79 -25
NY Giants 1-2 58 77 -19
San Franny 1-2 62 68 -6
AFC
Jacksonville 0-3 44 119 -75
Oakland 0-3 37 65 -30
Tennessee 1-2 43 69 -26
Miami 1-2 58 83 -25
Cleveland 1-2 74 77 -3
Raydurz should make the Brits feel at home as they will kick the ball more than they will run or catch with it. Maybe they will lose in add-on time 3-2. Is there some reason why the NFL chooses to have the worst teams play in Europe? They should have put the Seahawks and Denver game in England. That would have been awesome.
ReplyDeleteDetroit is going to ruin my season and go 9-7. Of coursem, they were 4-2 a few years ago and....
I'm pretty sure the Doormat Division is hosting these London things, they're just too cheap to buy us a plane ticket out there.
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ReplyDeleteThey should make Thursday Night Football Doormat Division contender games. Sponsored by Schmidt Beer, KIA Motors and Walmart. The host city could use a local HS Band as halftime entertainment and all patrons who stay until the end of the game would receive a Carpet Cleaner Coupon when exiting.
ReplyDeleteOK that's perfect. Makes sense to me, as Thursday Night Football and the London game seem to be Doormat Specials all the time.
ReplyDeleteWell, I was only completely off in my prediction of tonight's game. But at least I got the over/under right.
ReplyDeleteWOw, man. SIX turnovers. Giants didn't stand a chance.
ReplyDeleteThe Skins were just too much for them.
ReplyDeleteYes, DT, grat idea.
ReplyDeleteHow about dem Stoolers! Talk about coming from ahead!
ReplyDeleteFantastic! The AFC North is wide open. Glad to see the Steelers weren't completely fooling me.
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