SILVER AND BLACKED OUT!!
What a weekend, what a weekend, WHAT A WEEKEND!
Let's roll!
Raiders 14, Dolphins 38 (The Second Great Stink of London)
If the Raiders are not as bad as the Jags, it's not for lack of trying. Laying down a stellar stinker in the land of the Great Stink (London 1858), the Raiders fail to: run. pass. defend. lineup. I'm not kidding about the lineup thing. The reeling Dolphins pile 435 yards of offense onto that stink and..and... Raiders owner Mark Davis is faced with a difficult task this morning: Getting out of bed. I'll bet he heard some gentle rapping...tap tap tapping at his chamber door last night and an employee was sent out to the his Dad's crypt to make sure the lid's on tight. I bet it isn't.
The real challenge, once he gets to the office and heats up last Friday's coffee and pulls the bottle out of the 2nd drawer, is whether he has to fire coach Dennis Allen to look like he cares, but yet somehow still lose all 16 games on the schedule, or keep Allen in there and just GO FOR IT. This is always the roughest moment when making a run to the Moldy Carpet trophy. Making personnel changes that don't actually change the climate. Here, in Raider-land, it's doable.
Allen is the perfect terrible coach. He pretty flatly stated he had no idea what to do during the post-game funeral, and also his players are quite sure he has no idea what to do, because they have no idea what to do. Now THAT'S "Commitment to Pestilence." I mean, excellence. So, here's what we do: Fire Allen but keep GM Reggie McKenzie, the west coast re-incarnation of Matt Millen. McKenzie hasn't made one right move yet, his touch is magic. Mark Davis hired McKenzie without interviewing any other candidates. I don't know. When you've been the worst team for the last decade, maybe you interview, ah, TWO guys. Just to, you know, learn something.
But why do that when you have wrapped up the hard part of the Doormat schedule and now just about every team for the next 7 weeks should bury the Raydurz? I hear there's room in the crypt.
DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS
NFC W-L PF PA DIFF
Tampa Bay 1-3 72 119 -47
Washington 1-3 95 109 -14
St. Louis 1-2 56 85 -29
New Orleans 1-3 95 110 -15
Carolina 2-2 73 96 -23
AFC
Jacksonville 0-4 58 152 -94
Oakland 0-4 51 103 - 52
Tennessee 1-3 60 110 -50
NY Jets 1-3 76 96 -20
Cleveland 1-2 74 77 -3
THE REST of the SORRY PILE:
AFC
JAGS 14, CHARGERS 33
The Jags are a Big Play team. They gave up two TD passes over 40 yards yesterday and kept the passing lanes open on Gaguar Freeway all day for Philip Rivers. Gags still showing great 2nd half collapse (zero points), and it bodes well for keeping pace with the Raiders. Maybe this is their year.
TITANS 17, COLTS 41
The Titanics are back! Time of possession 17:39, the season record so far. Two more yards and the Colts get 500 for the day. With QB Jake Locker out, Doormat veteran Charlie Whitehurst steps in and stops the offense for the whole day. Whoa, Nellie! If the Titanics can sink against the Steelers next week, no gimme, the blockbuster in Week 6 is Titanics-Gaguars. I'm checking for tickets on StubHub NOW. There's probably only 19,000 left! I can buy 100 for $5 and take the whole choir!
JETS 17, LIONS 24
The Lions don't look like Doormat material this year. Curse that new coach. The Jets, on the other hand, may finally be easing out of the Parity Division and getting serious about stringing together some losses. What a packed field of contenders.
BILLS 17, TEXANS 23
Finally, a hard fought game of Parity. But I include these guys because it's early, the Toxins are last year's champ, and the puntin' Bills got off 9 punts, our first 9 punt game of the year. Houston, somehow, has three 'wins'. Raiders, Redksins and the Biffs. Not sure if that's winning. It's not losing. But it ruins your Doormat chances. Let's leave it at that.
NFC
It seems like the AFC has the lock on Doormat glamour, but the NFC is keeping pace. Lacking a winless team, they still have FOUR one-win teams.
SAINTS 17, COWBOYS 38
Saints look pretty dreadful. Pile up a ton of yards, but just get run over. 1-3 cannot be ignored. Where's my Ain'ts bag?
BUCS 27, STEELERS 24
See, I told you. The Steelers just need to make up their minds and get the game plan rolling. Losing to the Bootineers is a bold step- AT HOME. Game on.
REDSKINS 14, GIANTS 45
The Deadskins beat the Jags in week 2. That might be it for a while- like, the rest of the year. This week they whipped out a turnover party -SIX against the defenseless NY Gnats. They never knew what hit them.
VIKINGS 41, FALCONS 28
Don't pull the Failcons out of the Basement yet. Careful, there. They lost 3 offensive linemen to injury yesterday. They could come storming back. The Yikings, on the other hand, lost QB Matt Cassell and this new rookie is messing everything up. He just doesn't know. But, he got hurt yesterday, so maybe, during the down-time, someone can get his education rolling.
LAMBS did not play. They'll be ready next week, do not fear. The were hangin' with the Brownies all week, so look out for some new twists.
PANTHERS 10, RAVENS 38
Pansies look pretty bad for a team tied for first in their division. They have zero running game, and a defense filled with people I've never heard of. Never mind that I have never heard of 90% of the players on NFL rosters. That's beside the point. The point is the Panthers are going to make a run. Mark my words. Unless I'm wrong, then forget all about it.
aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!
Buc won! I don't believe it. I know they beat a team that smells funny, but hey, I didn't think they could beat anyone. Raydurz are looking stupendously awful. AFC may have the Moldy Carpet lock already with the Gags and Raydurz in the same conference.
ReplyDeleteHey, Wacko, that opener on Davis was stellar. I laughed out loud and then wanted to curl up in a ball and suffer. It's funny and it's depressing all at once. Kind of like meeting the howling-gorgous gal you never had the guts to hit on as a kid and now when you are 85 and she finally hits on you.
I think the Steelers have become a team that coasts when they think they have a cream puff team coming up. They just stopped playing on Sunday. Game was in the bag. OOPS!
DeleteBTW, Raydurz have been horrible for a long time, institutionalized failure, but this year might be the glory year. This team makes the worst Raydurz teams look good.
ReplyDeleteI have NEVER seen a Raider team this empty of value. This is top top hole. The opening bit had me laughing, hard, at my own writing, which is very rare. The 'bottle in the 2nd drawer' sounded so true it probably was. Tonight, the way the Cheaps are playing, I wish Alex Smith was still a 49er. Nice, soft touch on well thrown passes....ah...no interceptions.....excellent clock management. I forget, what was it about him that was so terrible? I forget.
ReplyDeleteOkay you guyz, hope you're happy...Cuz da Raydur brass just read this blog and fired the Head Coach!
ReplyDeleteSo for now, the recent 'Commitment To Mediocrity' continues..
ReplyDeleteAnd I bet they kept McKenzie, the real mastermind. The Plan plays out. I wonder how many times Mark Davis has tried to call Jon Gruden, or if he's still being controlled from the grave. It's their only chance to lift the Curse of Chucky
ReplyDelete8-28. current 10 game losing streak. 9 losses by 20 points or more. Won 3 games against AFC opponents. 7th coach in the last 12 seasons. And the real beauty? McKenzie convinced Davis to keep Allen for one more season, thereby locking down the personnel and culture for 2014. I tell ya, McKenzie is the mastermind behind this Moldy Carpet run.
ReplyDeletePlus, they have NO IDEA who they are hiring next.
ReplyDelete