NFL DOORMAT WEEK 9 PARADE of GREATS!!

RAIDERS CANNOT LOSE FOR WINNING! CHARGERS ROCKET TO BOTTOM!  NINERS CONFUSE ENTIRE DOORMAT! CLEVELAND COMPLETES TOUR OF BASEMENT! JAGS PLAY LIKE FOOTBALL TEAM, LOSE ANYWAY!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK NINE
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-7               150       245      -95
Atlanta            2-6               192       221      -29

Washington    3-6                197      229      -32        

St. Louis         3-5               149       220      -71

Chicago          3-5               180      222       -42  

AFC                              

Oakland          0-8                129      211     - 82

Jacksonville    1-8                141      251      -110

NY Jets           1-8                154      252      -98

Tennessee       2-6                137      202      -65

Texans            4-5                206      197      +9

Good morning, Doormat fans.  The cold snap has finally hit.  Our regulars are all curled up in their snuggies, asleep on the orange couch and the duct taped barcalounger (yes, yes, brown naugahyde).  The Gags, the Silver and Blacked Out, the Boots...sleeping it off.  The Zenith TV is tuned to the broadcast antennae, just so we'll have some snow, and our battered, seriously not-to-code space heater is rattling so loud here in the broom closet- I mean, office- I can't hear the snoring.  The cold is good.  It keeps down the odors.  Still, we have yet to match the atmosphere of club WREX in Seattle, WA, circa 1981.  

My band was loading in to do a gig, and it was maybe 40º inside in the mid-afternoon. I remember it was mid-afternoon because it was dark out, and raining. You could see your breath. The carpet- why a punk club would have a carpet was probably an indicator of the owner's brain cell count- was more than a little damp. It was soggy.  Squishy.  

The smell of stale beer, ammonia, mold, stale beer, puke, the toilet, stale beer and phew was unique for its power quotient. [Club WREX set the record for broken toilets in any bar I've ever been in before or since].  Now, when evening hits and a club fills up with life forms, the temperature begins to rise, and so does the aroma. But, if you can't cover that with sweat, cigarettes and 4 or 5 shots, then you aren't getting into the spirit of things. So, as the body heat brought the temp up to a toasty 53º and the carpet whiff improved to 'toxic', we opened with XTC-inspired new wave  to a crowd of surly all-black clad Napalm Beach fans.  

Now, when a punk crowd threw things at you, it really didn't mean things one way or another. It just meant people were throwing stuff at you. When a punk crowd really didn't like you, they would do 2 things- 1. completely ignore you (standard) and 2. form a block near the stage and stare at you like death. We got the death stare, and shortened our set by playing two songs at the same time at least twice (really). As we finished our brisk 15-minute 30 minute set, the owner brayed over and demanded we play our favorite song of his...and we had no idea which one that was.  His slurving vocalizing to remind was, uh. 

As drunk as he was, which was heroic, I'm sure he didn't notice that we made total cacaphony for 3 minutes and...it was the only 'song' the Napalm Beach crowd approved of.  They almost blinked.

So, the moral of the story is...in a Punk club there are no morals.  That, and, if you're going to bomb, go all out.  

CHARGERS 0,  DOLPHINS  37

And speaking of going all out, the Bolts bring in this year's #1 stinker.  They may have a winning record, but let's give credit where credit is due!  No points, 10 first downs, Philip Rivers wrecking ball in full swing for 3 interceptions and 128 passing yards!  The Dolphins played like kings of the ocean, and the Blots...you know, Rivers sometimes looks like he just doesn't give a hoot.  Like he had a great time partying last night, and whoops!  Dang I'm throwing a lot of interceptions today!  Oh, well, can't be helped!  

LAMBS 13, 49ERS 10

Wait, which team is the Doormat here? The Niners come off a bye week and have no idea how to handle the blitzing Rams, even though they know it's coming.  Sounds like Doormat-style prep to me!

Rams rack up 8 sacks, cause 3 fumbles, recover 2, the last of which is the final play of the game at their own goal line, snatching victory from the jaws of defeat.  Wait, is that actually how that saying goes?  What's going on here?  49ers descend to 4-4 and lead the Parity Division...for now.

RAIDERS 24,  SEAHAWKS 30

The Raiders are the best 0-8 team in the league.  They're the ONLY 0-8 team in the league.  

BUCS 17,  BROWNS 22

The Browns complete their Basement Tour- Jacksonville, Oakland, Tampa, winning all three.  

The had the best chance to get a loss in this one, but Tampa righted the ship...and sunk it.  Great Doormat game- 4 turnovers, big yards given up, not a stiff.  Browns are now officially mediocre.

Bucs are the pride of the Doormat NFC.

NATIVES 26, VIKINGS 29

They tried everything.  Crashing their buses.  Getting ambushed by protesters on that college campus the Vikings call home.  And, in the game itself, just plain giving up touchdowns in the 4th quarter when nothing else worked. The Natives lose again in a crucial game. Another Doormat entertainment bonanza, with just enough blown assignments to rack up some serious yards (699 for both teams).  Vikes rookie QB Terry Bridgewater fails to turn ball over, thus sealing the Yikes doom... doom to Parity (4-5).  Try saying 'Parity' to Odin or Thor.  See how that goes over.

JETS 10, CHIEFS 24

Geno Smith is benched, so the Nyets chances for putting up another comical bomb was out, but Michael Vick and crew still took care of business.  But,eschewing punting, the Nyets went 2-5 on 4th down, which I'm sure had a powerful effect on Jets fans all over New Jersey.  As usual, KC gets outgained, but wins the game.

JAGUARS 22, BENGALS 33

Gags QB Blake Bortles pads his league leading interception total (now 13), and the Gags, despite being in this game, and looking like a team that's going to absorb some victories one of these days, snag the loss.

STEELERS 43, RAVENS 23

No, this is not a Doormat game.  But it's worth mentioning that ever since the Browns beat the Steelers 3 weeks ago, they've been insane.  Rothlisberger throws 6 TD passes for the second week in a row.  Obviously, the specter of Blank Helmet football owning your ass is extremely motivating.  

Last Thursday's game:

PANTHERS 20,  SAINTS 28

Just when I thought the Pansies were not Doormat material they tear off 3 straight losses.  Shut my mouth.

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!