GIANTS PULL OUT ALL STOPS TO LOSE TO 49ERS! THE RACE TIGHTENS UP IN THE NFC DOORMAT! BROWNS ROCKET TO LAST PLACE IN ONE GAME!!
DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11
NFC W-L PF PA DIFF
Tampa Bay 2-8 194 279 -85
NY Giants 3-7 205 263 -58
Washington 3-7 204 256 -52
Carolina 3-7-1 215 300 -85
Minnesota 4-6 181 220 -39
AFC
Oakland 0-10 152 265 - 113
Jacksonville 1-9 158 282 -110
NY Jets 2-8 174 265 -91
Tennessee 2-8 168 250 -82
Buffalo 5-5 200 204 -4
GAME OF THE WEEK
RAIDERS 6, CHARGERS 13
18 punts. Was new hall-of-famer Ray Guy there? Was that it? This game was a total Doormat stay-in-the-parking lot game. The Commitment to Excrescence fumbled on the first play from scrimmage, and then the Chargers ran their only play of the game, and scored a touchdown. The game was over at 14:07 of the first quarter.
The Raiders ran 55 plays, but to call them plays might be misleading. The Chargers have defiantly shut down their offense as well, so...this was one of those games where, if you live back east, you tune in and you wonder if everyone is just there for the sunshine. California winter sun, a sort of quiet murmer in the stands, seagulls swirling for hot dog wrappers, the grass looks surrealistically bright green.. and you think-" this can't really be football, right?"
Doormat teams thrive in these environs. 0-10 and, honestly, I can't imagine anybody getting under the bar against the Silver and Blacked Out. Interim coach Tony Sparano holds the key. If they give beleaguered Raider rookie QB Derek Carr's psyche a rest and let burned out Matt Schaub take the wheel, it could go off the rails and the Raider might win a game. Otherwise, these guys go 0-16.
REDSKINS 7, BUCCANEERS 27
In a real honest-to-God battle for the NFC basement, America's #1 Offensive Nickname Team (by popular consensus) loses handily to Tampa Bay with a game plan centered on the sinkhole in the pocket- RGB III gets sacked 6 times, throws 2 interceptions, one for a pick-six, and the backfield fumbles the ball 4 times. The Bucs are in trouble- Josh McCown looks like he's figured out how to be a quarterback and that is ominous portent for any doormat team. Redskins rise to 3-7, a mere scalp-length behind Tampa. Bucs will have steep challenge to lose next week in Chicago. Skins have easier road in Santa Clara (SF)- though by no means a gimme.
GIANTS 10, 49ERS 16
Not so fast, Skinsies. The Giants, hot on the trail at 3-7, losers of 5 straight, turn in a dog pile of a game against a 49er team that wants to lose, but don't have the brains. The Giants are the current Turnover Streak kings, with 26 straight games with a least one turnover. One a game is not very dynamic. Eli Manning steps up with a dizzying display, racking up five INTs, the final one at the goal line with the Gnats poised to take the lead. Last year's INT champ, Manning is suddenly back in the INT Crown race, only 3 behind Blake Bortles (14 to 11). Added bonus viewing: Coach Tom Coughlin got to throw the red challenge flag, which nobody does with more steamed irritation.
I'm not sure why the 49ers win games. The defense is obviously very very good, but the offense is designed by a dog-pile, and Colin Kaepernick seems to be kind of a knucklehead. This game was, just to go for the trifecta, a dog-pile of a game.
PANTHERS 17, FALCONS 19
Who needs the Doormat when we have the NFC South? The Falcons are in FIRST with a 4-6 record!!! Somebody pinch me. The Bucs, at 2-8, are only TWO games off the pace. Think about it, they LEAD the Doormat NFC and can still win their division. The Pansies, as usual, play like Doormat pros- really disorganized until the game is out of reach, and then stage a pointless furious comeback. 3-7-1 and only a game from leading the Doormat OR the NFC South!!
VIKINGS 13, DA BARES 21
The Minnesota Vikings, the official Break Your Losing Streak Here team. They make Jay Cutler look good, and the Yikings avoid the dreaded .500. Yikes can still challenge for the Doormat NFC crown, and next week's home game in what I hope is a white-out blizzard against the buzz-saw Packers should help.
RAMS 22, BRONCOS 7
They did it again. Three stunning upsets- and still just a 4-6 record. The best back-up QB for the last 10 years in the NFL, George Blanda- I mean, Sean Hill, comes in and throws a bomb, the Rams kick five field goals, and the defense once again comes up with a great game plan, locking down Peyton Manning. WOO-HOO! Our Doormat Giant Killer. Yow!
BROWNS 7, TEXANS 23
Frightened by their AFC North division lead, the Browns return to the bad old days and play a stinker at home and fall all the way to last place in one simple game. Take that, fans. A Brownie Bake Sale never smelled so good.
Only 6 weeks to go, Doormat Denizens- hold onto your ear muffs it's gonna be a wild ride to the Moldy Carpet finish.
aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!
Holy smoking bake pan ! the Brownies definitely made some amends yesterday going from 1st to last in one game.
ReplyDeleteGood to welcome them back.
And the 0-for-9ers played an offensive game, as in stinky offense. They are searching for the railing to the basement staircase, but keep coming up against teams like the Gnats. After an early 7-0 lead, Eli took an abrupt about face and threw to the wrong team as often as he threw to correct team. guarantees a loss.
OH HOW ABOUT Those Lambs. Goliath killers for sure. but I think will retain their residence in the basement.
AND keep an eye on out on QB McCown and rookie receiver Mike Evans, sadly this combo could cook up some wins for Bucaneers.
I agree on the Bucs. Every year they rip off a ton of losses, only to find some mojo in the last 6-7 games.
DeleteJust as you can't talk about a no hitter while the pitcher is pitching one 'cause it would be bad luck I won't say anything about the Raydurz. And thanks for crystallizing that thought about people tuning in from the east coast. I have wondered the same thing before, but not so eloquently. It really must be weird to tune into such a bad game being played on a sunny, green field with fans who seem more interested in the concessions than the game and, where you sit, it's 15 degrees and dark.
ReplyDeleteRumor has it that the ghost of George Blanda has been seen at both Soldier Field and the Mausoleum in Oakland. Just as in Shakespeare, when something rotten happens on earth, the spirits and the heavens are set out of kilter and ghosts walk the earth. The Raydurz and Da Bares are stirring up something rotten, and now the George Blanda roams the field while Al Davis' apparration appears in Mark Davis' skybox high above the concrete facade of Raider Nation, saying,
"I am thy father's spirit,
Doom'd for a certain term to walk the night,
And for the day confined to fast in fires,
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature
Are burnt and purged away."
as a youngster growing up in New England, we would watch the 4p game (EST) being aired from California and would very often see warm sunny days while we were house bound due to the snow. Only the reverse was true. The doormat football was being played by the Patriots in the early game while the Riaderz were showing their commitment to excellence during the 4p tilt. I saw some amazing 4th quarter drives where they would hold the ball for 6-8 minutes. Marv Hubbard doing the rushing. opponents never had a chance. They get the ball back at the 2:minute warning down by 2 possessions. what a team. just a memory. Now the Patriots have the "commitment to Belichek"... I mean excellence.
Deletethat's true, and the Chargers were racking up points on a regular basis.
DeleteThere is a great horror film script in here somewhere. JG
ReplyDeletethat's some creepy concrete.
ReplyDeleteJim, I love it.
ReplyDeleteYep I am working on a treatment for that...
Deleteyou mean, there's a CURE?
Deletea script outline. They call that a treatment in hollywood where I have never been.
DeleteWhere??
DeleteI really like 'holy smoking bake pan.'
ReplyDeletebatman meets bay area pot club
DeleteI love that Cleveland is 6-4 but still in last place in their division. They get to be a winner and a doormat all at once. Kinda like Jekyl and Hyde.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to listen in to some fans hashing it out in a bar in Cleveland. They could be back in first next week!
DeleteRaydurz schedule is
ReplyDeleteKansas City
@St. Louis
San Francisco
@ Kansas City
Buffalo
@ Denver
The only game they have an honest chance to win is St. Louis, and probably not. I don't know, that is a tough schedule. Maybe Buffalo? Again, probably not. 49ers? No. Let's be generous and say somewhere in there they win a game. Then the Gags have to lose all of their games, which are:
@ Indianapolis
NY Giants
Houston
@ Baltimore
Tennessee
@ Houston
They actually could win either the NY or Tennessee games, maybe both. They have a shot of moving to third place before this is all over. The Tennessee game might be a high stakes matchup.
So Gags are probably going to win at least one more. Oakland looks like a lock at this point. NFC is still murky. Gnats, Skins, Da Bares, and Boots all have the horsepower to lose big in the closing weeks. Even the Yikes could eek in there.
Gags at home against the Giants will be really hard to lose. Titans also a challenge, and the Toxins can pay a horrible game on any given Sunday.
ReplyDeleteI give the Raiders their best shot against the Chiefs, just because Chiefs-Raiders games seem to have no relation to reality. Rams play down to the opposition, for sure, so that's their best honest chance. They are really really inept on offense, though, and give up 30 points on a regular basis.
going out on a limb here... raiderz 13-12 over the chiefs this thurs. then procede to 1-15 finish for the year
Deleteha - wish I was a betting man
Delete