I see all of you coming to our website wondering where the hell we are. What do you expect? This is the Doormat Division. Why should we even pay attention during the preseason, when everybody plays like they're going to lose it all...except for the worst team in football? But, other than having to do some light sweeping, waking up some hibernating masters of disaster, and looking for a new barbecue grill (there's only so much rust one can consume), the Doormat Division is ready for our close-up.
DOORMAT DIVISION 2017
PREDICITIONS
C'mon, admit it- when all the major sports news sites come out with their projections and predictions, and all they talk about is who is going to win the division and the Stupor Bowl, and then they give YOUR team, maybe, one uninformed line that lets you know they know nothing, NOTHING about your band of boobs, doesn't it just frost your bacon? Aren't you cheesed off?
PAY NO ATTENTION TO THEM. They aren't paying any attention to YOU. But we are. And though we may seem to gleefully focus on the ineptitude, by God we're down here in the trenches, grinding away, and someday...SOMEDAY the Bills will make the playoffs and play the Browns for the AFC championship!!
Or maybe I've accidentally taken my medication twice this morning.
Last Year's Final Standings, to remind you:
FINAL STANDINGS 2016-17 season
AFC
Cleveland - 1-15
Jacksonville - 3-13
NY Jets - 5-11
San Diego - 5-11
Cincinnati - 6-9-1
Bills 7-9
NFC
San Francisco - 2-14
Chicago - 3-13
Los Angeles - 4-12
Carolina - 6-10
Philly- 7-9
New Orleans 7-9
AFC (with predicted finish in parenthesis)
NEW YORK JETS (1-15): 500-1 to reach Super Bowl. Only one team purged their roster during the offseason, and replaced it with nothing. Only one team isn't even TRYING to have a starting quarterback. And it's the Jets. Finishing 5-11 last year, the Nyets are bringing it this season, with an already established losing culture and an owner bent on dumping this team in the ditch until next year's draft.
Standing in their way of a perfect season are these games: at Buffalo this Sunday, the Jags at home Oct. 1, and at the Browns on Oct. 8th. And, with Jay Cutler coming out of 'retirement' for the Dolphins, there is ominous trouble in their own division. First games are a mine field, as teams below the parity line just come stumbling out of the blocks, and the Bills... they've been doing the stumble for 17 straight seasons of no playoffs.
CLEVELAND BROWNIES (3-13): 300-1 to reach Stupor Bowl. The Browns have an improved defense. They really do. They also went 4-0 in preseason, and have petitioned NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to call it a season right now and start the playoffs, because it's all downhill from here, and I don't mean the good kind of downhill. The Browns have put all the chips on the table with rookie QB Deshone Kizer, a green rookie who plays like a scrawny Colin Kaepernick and does have talent, but please. It's gonna be exciting to watch all the interesting decisions he makes while the other 3 QBs shuffle around with clipboards on the sidelines. Still, the Blank Helmets honestly look like the culture of the team is changing, and their schedule puts them in peril of not making the 10 loss cut (10 losses being the required minimum for Doormat membership).
These games are trouble: Sept. 17 @ Baltimore (if Flacco ain't playing, Ravens stink); Oct. 8th, JETS; Nov. 19th JAGS; Dec. 3 RAMS; Dec 24th, BEARS. Add in that the Bengals can always implode and hand the Browns a victory, and Baltimore, if things go off the rails, could be tanking big time by Dec for the second game.
Still, you have to believe in the Brownies to find a way to lose, so until further notice, 3-4 victories tops.
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: (4-12) 80-1 Super Bowl chances. Maybe the Gags are finally getting better. But people write them off every year, and last year they smoked it at 3-13. They're offensive line is so thin, you can see through their interior straight to the QB with only 1 healthy fullback to stay in and block. They'll be keeping two backs in to help out at times, and Blake Bortles is a pick-six maestro. Sounds like quite a cocktail. The defense won't be atrocious, but they can't have any injuries at linebacker or that's it for their run defense. Couple of 'projects' in the secondary, so look out INCOMING!! Primary problem for Jags to make concerted Moldy Carpet run is their own division, with the Colts, Titans and Texans capable of playing a shoddy bumble-fest any given Sunday.
LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (4-12) 80-1 Super Bowl odds. Hey there, Los Angeles! We're back, and you can buy a John Hadl jersey in retro light blue, and hey, HEY look over here there are also hats and pants, and the retro Dan Fouts jersey and the new ORIGINAL Los Angeles Chargers jersey and...PLEASE do not look at the field, sir, that's not productive.
Philip "why is the other team in the way?" Rivers is still quarterback. I'm not believing anything about this team until I see it. The Charred-ettes are in the toughest AFC division, and look well situated to lose every divisional game.
One telling stat- they were -45 in points in the preseason, and I don't care which unit is on the field. You give up that many points, you have depth problems.
the rest of the Pile:
BUFFALO BILLS (4-12) 80-1 in Vegas. Tyrod Taylor. 17 straight seasons no playoffs. They will beat the Jets twice. God knows the rest.
BALTIMORE RAVENS (7-9) 25-1 Stupor Bowl shot. If Joe Flacco cannot heal up fast, the Ravens are in trouble. They need to score points to stay ahead of their defense's generosity. These guys could tank.
MIAMI DOLPINS (6-10) 40-1 Vegas odds. In a move nobody expected, the Flops bring Jay "sure I'll take money" Cutler out of retirement to see if he can't set an interceptions or pick six record, and just bring the whole thing down with him. One more season of wild flings into space! It really does just take one guy to steer.
NFC
LOS ANGELES RAMS (1-15) 100-1 Vegas Odds. The Rams have to be considered a solid Moldy Carpet contender. Jared Goff may yet have another punching bag year, and a frightening lack of running game. They averaged 10 points a game last, so the defense could have been the greatest ever, and it wouldn't have made any difference. It's a parity level defense. Look out, L.A, you've got a chance for the Moldy Carpet championship between your two teams.
CHICAGO BEARS (2-14) 100-1 odds for the Super Bowel. The Bears should be worse than the Niners. Everybody is on the hot seat, and the crowing in Bear-land is for rookie QB Mitch Trubinsky to start for the Doormat denizen. And hey, why not? What better way to get a rookie shell-shocked, pile up some fumble-sixes and generally sink the whole season in 5 or 6 games? But it's Mike Glennon for now. The only worry is that John Fox will get fired too soon, and the culture could change.
But the real kicker is their first 11 games- they could lose them all, EASILY:
Falcons, Bucs, Steelers, Packers, Vikings, Ravens, Panthers, Saints, Packers, Lions, Eagles.
They could run the first 8, for sure. No real relief arrives until December 3rd at home against the 49ers. These guys are in a tough division, and they could run the table deep into the season.
Solid Moldy Carpet contender.
SANTA CLARA 49ers (5-11) 300-1 Vegas odds of climbing out of the muck and landing in Minneapolis for the big shew. The Whiners won't be the worst team in the league this year. Sad to say, I've been right here for all the horrible-ness lately, and even with our hideous new stadium, our clueless owners, and a culture that has just been perfect for ineptitude....they've done something right.
Coach Kyle Shanahan really does coach excellent offense. Even with Brian "Scary Footwork" Hoyer starting. The Whines will beat the Rams twice again, they'll beat the Redskins, and they'll beat the Bears and the Jags. They have a terrible secondary, still, as far as I can tell, and we'll just see how thin they are on the O-line. Could go south. One thing to note- the backup QB, rookie C.J. Beathard, the ex-Iowa Hawkeye, played the pro-set in college and is already a solid backup QB. If Hoyer goes down, it won't be a complete disaster. I hate to say it, but the Whiners will be...slightly better this year.
THE REST OF THE PILE:
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (6-10): Hard to write off any team with Drew Brees, but they could have a hard time beating anybody in their own division.
WASHINGTON CRACKERS (7-9): Wheels could come off and team could take divisional powder. Could end up with only 4 wins. Could be ugly.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Potential parity golden boys, or a few injuries and poof.
CAROLINA PANTHERS: Anybody buying that they are going to come back from last year's 6-10 gem? Or up the ante and really tank?
So, Doormat Fans, strap on your cheap plastic helmets, crack a beer so cheap Pabst looks like a micro-brew, and order a pizza from Mellow Mushroom, because the Run to the Moldy Carpet starts THIS WEEK!!!!
aaaaAAAND That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!!!!!!
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