Maybe some of you get to go off to work and coast all day long, but here in the dank confines of the Basement, we had to search the patio for a decent cigarette butt and heat up yesterday's coffee on our new grill, rescued from the alley garbage two blocks over. I hope that trail of ash doesn't lead anybody over here that is expecting anything. We have WORK to do. The Seahags and Whiners turned in a Doormat game for the ages, and the Ain'ts are back in the Basement. But, yesterday, the Doormat Commish (DT), Walkfish (the true stats pro on this blog) and me attended the Jets-Rrrraiders game to get an up-close look at our potential perfect-season team...the Jets.
DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS
WEEK 2
NFC
W-L PF PA
SANTA CLARA 0-2 12 35
CHICAGO 0-2 24 52
NEW ORLEANS 0-2 39 65
NY GIANTS 0-1 3 19
SEATTLE 1-1 21 26
ARIZONA 1-1 39 48
AFC
W-L PF PA
CINCINNATI 0-2 9 33
COLTS 0-2 22 62
CLEVELAND 0-2 28 45
NY JETS 0-2 32 66
HOUSTON 1-1 20 38
THE GAMES!
BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK:
JETS 20, RRRRAIDERS 45
The league office got us some decent 'seats' for the game, and it didn't disappoint. I say 'seats' because nobody actually sits down at Raider games. At least not the first 40 rows.
Opening day at Raider Nation was magnificent. Plus, a dirt infield. How do you top that?
The Raiders kept the Jets close for the first half by committing their usual bonehead personal foul calls because you have to be a complete choirboy to avoid getting those penalties if you play for the Raiders. I swear a Raider linebacker could say "your mom burns toast" to whoever he just tackled and TWEET!!! That man said a bad word!!
My paper today says the Raiders got 1321 first downs to the Jets 17. While this might be a typo, it seems right.
The Jets unveiled their best defensive play yesterday, multiple times: have two guys both take really bad angles on the runner busting up the middle and completely miss the guy, who then runs for 20 yards or a touchdown. The other play was - put one guy on Crabtree, and watch Crabtree score 3 touchdowns. I think Crabtree has a grip of iron if he even gets a finger on the ball, or Lester Hayes (no. 37 in your tattered 1980 Raiders game day program) keeps mailing him jars of stickum. Jets 0-2 and looking solid.
And now, please, a moment of silence for
THE HEIDI GAME, Nov. 17th, 1968
Raiders 43, Jets 32
STIFF OF THE WEEK:
BILLS 6, PANTHERS 9
I'd really like the Niners-Hawks game to be the Stiff of the Week, but give credit where no touchdowns are scored. The Pansies and the Nils ground out a game of zero turnovers, 12 punts, nobody over 200 yards passing, and just...is that Heidi movie coming on soon?
Pansies are easily the worst 2-0 team in the NFL. But there's a lot of competition, so don't get too proud.
49ERS 9, SEAHAWKS 12
Somehow, the Seahags got 21 first downs in this bore-fest at Broiled Fans Stadium in Santa Clara. Boy, I'm sure glad the Whiners got rid of the guy with the big hair so they could bring in Brian Hoyer. I've never seen a Doormat quarterback so confidently throw a pass right at a linebacker. ON-THE-MONEY. The Hags really put everything they had into losing this one, but, they were out-maneuvered. 49ers averaged 3.1 yards per pass play. Try losing to that. Just try. One touchdown did it, and the 49ers don't score TDs. The Hags caved in the 4th quarter, and scraped one over the goal line (but still missed the extra point- as if the 49ers would actually get downfield and kick a tying FG. Pfft!).
Whiners are now the second team this season to not score a TD in their first two home games, tying the 1939 Eagles (and 2017 Bengals). Tune in Thursday Night Doormat this week for the Whiners shot at three home games in a row with no TDs. It'll be a record.
BROWNIES 10, ORIGINAL BROWNS 24
The Ravens can't hang with Cleveland. Who can? These are the Champs we're talking, here. After 4 listless Blank Helmets series to open the game, Browns QB Deshone Kizer understandably developed a migraine headache and left the game. Backup Kevin Hogan stepped in and threw an INT, but got a TD. But the Browns got Kizer back in the game in the 3rd quarter, he drove the length of the field, and with God knows what visual distortions dancing before his eyes, threw a drive killing INT into the end zone. 5 turnovers for the Doormat Champs! Browns coach Hue Jackson: "The turnovers will always stick out because it stops you from scoring points or leads to points for the other team." It's your neck that's sticking out, coach.
YIKINGS 9, STEELERS 26
aaaaand Sam Bradford is on the sidelines. Case Keenum, whose name is not Colin Kaepernick, stepped in and, folks, the Yikes are a Doormat King if Bradford isn't in there.
Take note.
CHARGERS 17, DOLPHINS 19
I promise not to predict victory for the Chargers ever again. These guys can lose anytime, anywhere, no matter what the score. Maybe people in San Diego are feeling a little better today. After all, NBA training camp is opening soon, and the Clips- oh, never mind.
COLTS 13, CARDS 16 (OT)
In a hard fought Doormat battle, the Cardinals could not underwhelm the Colts for a whole game, crumbled in the 4th quarter, and could not possibly miss a 30-yard chip shot field goal in overtime. Colts 0-2 and looking very very formidable. Next Week's HUGE game: Colts home opener vs. the Browns (-2.5 Vegas). Yes, you heard right, the Browns are favored on the road.
AIN'TS 20, PATS 36
It was 20-3 at the end of the first quarter. Next week, we find out just how bad the Panthers are, because they play the Saints. Some Doormat bragging rights in the South are at stake.
JAGS 16, TITANS 37
Jags won their home opener last week, so another home game, two weeks in a row..that's a tall order in the land of weird color combinations (teal, gold and black). Still, I think the Jags will have a tough time losing to the more serious Doormat teams this year. Rough road ahead.
BEARS 7, BUCS 29
ARGH! Bears had a shutout going and then bungled it with 1:43 to go in the game with the Tampa Bay 3rd stringers in there. Perfection is so hard to achieve. Steelers come to town next week, so maybe they can 0-fer then.
We'll have this week's WORST STATS tomorrow after the Giants debacle tonight.
aaaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.