WEEK 1 WRAP-UP AND HOLLYWOOD DUMPSTER DIVE

BREAK UP THE RAMS!!

Niners on track,  Jets look formidable,  Toxins may be back

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

WEEK 1

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA

SANTA CLARA      0-1              3         23

NY GIANTS            0-1              3        19

CHICAGO               0-1            17        23

AFC

                                  W-L         PF        PA

PATSIES                   0-1          27         42

CINCINNATI           0-1             0         20

COLTS                      0-1           9          46

HOUSTON               0-1            7          29

NY JETS                   0-1          12        21

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!

Wow, what a great day in the Basement yesterday, Doormat Denizens.  It's gonna be a great season.  Lots of unpredictable games, and some stellar Doormat planning.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

RAMS 49,  COLTS 9

Looking like the kid who rocketed to fame in college for the Cal Bears, Jared Goff completely shredded the Indianapolis defense, while standing behind a solid line, for the biggest beat down they've administered since the Harding administration.  Well...2014.   He got sacked once.  Last year, he got sacked when the team ran on the field, and was developing a flinch if you just raised your hand in his peripheral vision.  On the other side of the ball, the Rams snared two INTs, for TWO touchdowns, sacked whatever stiff was back there for the Colts six times, and generally snuffed the life out of the Horseshoe Heads.

 If the Lambies can keep up that kind of protection for this kid...they'll be leaving the basement.  However, let's wait a week or two before starting to pack their gear for a Basement Exit.  The Colts without Andrew Luck are a terrible team.  Still..we raise our cheese pizzas, Busch beer, and high hopes to the downtrodden Lambs, who, on this day, rose up and completely clobbered somebody.  Huzzah!!

D.O.A  OF THE WEEK

49ers 3,  PANTHERS 23

They have a new GM, a new coach, 46 new players and, man, were the Whiners ready for their Doormat Debut.  Looking like a team that may never score a touchdown, ever again, the Whines did it every possible way you can crush even the most optimistic fan-  well placed dink penalties, dropped passes on bombs that were right on the money, holding onto the ball on 3-step drop-back plays (and getting turfed), an injury to your #1 pick, bad blocking, TOTAL CONFUSION in the defensive backfield, 2-11 on 3rd down, 1-4 on 4th down (and some whoa play calls there)...interceptions! fumbles!  It was Wheel of Fortune Football, all....day....long.  Can I buy a yard?

Considering that Cam Newton is obviously rusty, and was missing wide wide wide open receivers left and right (one WR was so all alone nobody was within 20 yards of him, drifting to the end zone, and Cam overthrew him by 20), the Pansies coulda won by 40.  When teams play the Whines, they need to change the position name to WOR- wide open receiver.  Whoa.  One could say the 49ers are on the track to rebuilding, but, right now, this year, they've got what it takes for a Moldy Carpet Championship. 

JAGS 29,  TEXANS 7

It had been six years since the Jags won on opening day.  And they did it in Houston.  The two teams, to be serious here for a moment, where providing a much needed diversion for some of the folks in the city of Houston, which is still reeling from the devastation of Hurricane Harvey.  

I never believe the Toxins are really a good team.  I think they are always just one step away from tumbling back into the basement, and maybe this is it.  They are forever doing it with mirrors with suspect QBs, and only their stalwart defense saves them.  Not yesterday.  The Texan offensive line...there wasn't one.  10 sacks allowed.  TEN.  Three fumbles lost, one for a fumble-six.  The Toxins are back- at least for this week.  JAGS will have trouble losing a bundle with the Colts and Toxins playing like this.  A lot at stake in the Basement for the Jags.  

PATSIES  27, CHIEFS 42

New England is this week's Honorary Division Leader, even though the point differential doesn't really qualify them.  Boy it's fun to see them up there on our leaderboard, AIN'T IT?  Plus we finally get to pull out the nickname.  Well done, you aging annoying winners.  Taste the turf.

JETS 12,  BILLS 21

Man, there's so much going on in the Doormat already, our supposed Marquee game is waaay down the list.  But this much is clear:  The Jets clearly out-classed the Bills in all phases of the game.  3 interceptions (one on a 2-point conversion, so not in the stats), 11 first downs,  214 yards total offense.  Just completely solid Doormat play, taking care of business against their formidable division rival.   0-1 and on track.

BUNGLES 0, RAVENS 20

Wowee, the Bungles busted out of the gate like overweight marmots-  4 interceptions, lost fumble and STILL 5 punts.  That's probably every single possession.   And they did it at home.  Look out Browns.  What a debut.  Next hideous game:  at Texans.

BROWNS 18, STEELERS 21

A loss is a loss, but some ominous signs of life, here.  Only 4 penalties.  That's not Blank Helmet Football.  They came from behind and almost won (yes, Futile Comeback, sure).  Browns QB DeShone Kizer appears to have some 4th quarter moxie, which bodes for some actual entertainment for Cleveland fans, while they still lose 12 games.  But, seriously, Browns culture appears to be headed for Parity...some day.  

SEAHAGS 9,  PACKERS 17

The Hags looked terrible.  Stay tuned.  

GIANTS 3, COWBOYS 19

As suspected, the Giants offense looks like it has nothing, NOTHING, I tell you.  Their defense can be the best in the world, and it won't save them.  Gnats are in trouble, but they did just play the best team in the NFC East.  

LIONS 35, CARDINALS 23

Just a little check-in on our illustrious ex-Doormat God, the Detroit Lions.  They started the game with a pick-six, and dug a 10-0 hole.  However, they ended up blowing out the Cardinals and I don't think these guys are coming back any time soon.

WASHINGTON 17,  EAGLES 30

In a crucial divisional game for Doormat supremacy, the Skins lose three fumbles, and the last one for the game clinching touchdown.  Mission accomplished.  Next challenge- the Rams in L.A.  

BEARS 17, FALCONS 23

Still reeling from the greatest Super Bowl flame-out in history-  almost as important as the Battle of Trafalgar!!!- the Falcons dang near dropped game one to the Doormat pros, daBares.  We'll see, game one is extremely misleading, this may be the best game daBares play all year.  Still, that didn't really look like a bunch of bums out there.  Are daBares just poseurs, faking you out while they nab your pic-a-nic basket?  Only Boo-Boo knows.

WHEW, that's a lot of games.  It'll sort itself out by week 4, save for the team that starts well, and then swan dives it's way to glory.  Who's it gonna be?

WE WILL SAVE THE WORST STATS UNTIL AFTER TONIGHT'S GAMES:

CHARGERS @ DENVER

SAINTS @ VIKINGS

AAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!!!!