DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11 WRAP-UP!
Just when you thought we were in the mid-season doldrums, and everybody is just a Parity League mid-level bumbler, an inspired determination emerges from the depths of the NFL, and franchises across the land, when finding themselves between a rock and a hard place in the sun, take the bull by the horns of a dilemma and make a silk purse out of a pig in a poke's silver lining by being just ingeniously flat-out worse than anybody else on the gridiron, and by day's end land with a spectacular thud in The Basement! What a weekend!
NFC
W-L PF PA DIF
SANTA CLARA 1-9 174 260 -68
NY GIANTS 2-8 162 247 -85
CHICAGO 3-7 174 221 -47
CHICAGO 3-7 174 221 -47
TAMPA BAY 4-6 203 228 -25
ARIZONA 4-6 176 254 -78
WASHINGTON 4-6 238 266 -28
WASHINGTON 4-6 238 266 -28
AFC
W-L PF PA DIF
CLEVELAND 0-10 150 259 -109
INDIANAPOLIS 3-7 179 280 -101
DENVER 3-7 183 259 -76
MIAMI 4-6 157 254 -97
RRAIDERS 4-6 204 247 -43
INDIANAPOLIS 3-7 179 280 -101
DENVER 3-7 183 259 -76
MIAMI 4-6 157 254 -97
RRAIDERS 4-6 204 247 -43
CINCINNATI 4-6 169 199 -30
BLOWUP OF THE WEEK
BILLS 24, CHARGERS 54
Faced with the prospect of being in the playoff hunt for several more games, possibly ending their 17-year playoff drought,the Bills pull out secret weapon Nathan Peterman, and obliterate any doubt about what the Bills are trying to accomplish here. Peterman, the 5th round QB pick out of Pitt, stepped into the fray and diced up the Charger defense with 5 interceptions in the first half! The first five possessions were INT (pick-six), TD, INT, INT, INT. That's the stuff of legend. Every pick, except the first one, was pulled off deep in their own territory, and by the end of the first half the Chargers, the team that blows leads better than any other teams in the NFL, led 37-7, and was just going to have to take a victory like a man.
The Chargers find themselves, at 4-6, in 2nd place in the AFC West, and, I'm not kidding, in the playoff hunt.
Peterman, probably in therapy this morning, needed only three more to break the NFL record, but, alas, was yanked in the second half for some guy named Tyrod Taylor. It is true the Bills had lost 2 in a row, and looked shaky doing it, but...starting a completely inexperienced rookie in a game you could win with your regular guy out there?
Mission accomplished. But the AFC is a dogpile of mediocrity, and, at 5-5, the Bills need to keep getting pulverized for at least 3 more weeks to move out of the danger zone. Up next: CHIEFS...no gimme
BROWNS 7, JAGUARS 19
0-10 and looking like 0-16, the Blank Helmets had to get back in the turnover derby late in the second half to pull out this loss, but once they bared down with 3 consecutive turnovers- the final one coughing up the ball in their own end zone to MAKE SURE the stubborn Jags would just score a stupid TD and get off the field- the game was in the bag.
17 punts and 5 turnovers in this Doormat gem.
Up NEXT: THE BATTLE FOR ORANGE OHIO PRIDE- The BUNGLES in Cincinnati!!
CHIEFS 9, GIANTS 12 (OT)
Drunk with power from polishing off the 49ers last week (and handing them their first victory), the Giants completely under-prepare for the reeling Chiefs and end up blowing their tie for the Doormat NFC lead, and end up with a victory. Typical. They tried hard to lose the game in regulation, but Chiefs minimal yardage ace QB Alex Smith was having none of that, stalling a drive at the NY 5, and keeping it to a tie, forcing overtime. If the Chiefs can keep this up, the entire AFC West could have a losing record in a couple weeks!
SWAMP THING
DOLPHINS 20, BUCS 30
We were calling this Swamp Thing all last week, and wowee what a game. Dolphins QB Jay Cutler whips up 3 ints in the first half, leaves with a concussion, and was probably surprised to find out later that he is, in fact, still playing football for the Fins. "Didn't I retire?"
17 penalties by the Dolphins, 9 for the Bucs, four fumbles for the Fins (two lost), which barely got the Bucs to score...the Fins racked up 448 yards of offense, with the Bucs allowing huge yardage plays from every angle of the field, but, yet, not enough poor defense could get these Dolphins to give it up and win. After the Bucs kicked the go-ahead FG with 00:04 left on the clock, the Floppers pulled off a magnificent multi-lateral play on the ensuing kickoff, which just kept going backwards until they fumbled it right into the end zone, and the Bucs fell on it for the final score. Do that at home, and you are really bringing it.
BRONCOS 17, BENGALS 20
The question on everyone's mind this week was, which orange team is worse, the Bungles or the Bunks? HEY, it's the BRONCOS! Lowering to the occasion, the Broncos lose it at home, and now ascend into a tie for second with the Colts in the Doormat AFC race.
Bungles can now be overconfident before their crucial game with the Browns next week.
RRRRAIDERS 8, PATRIOTS 33
4-6 and fading fast, we have some trends: Raiders receivers not named Crabtree drop more deliveries than a UPS mail sorter. The Raiders have zero interceptions this season. They have no pass rush. They... well what did they do? They played in Mexico City yesterday, so at least their fans had to travel a really long way to drink cheap beer and witness this trip down memory lane to the bad old days...which were only a couple years ago. The Al Davis flame still burns, and the team is burying themselves. Funny thing about winning. It's a lot more fleeting than losing.
BEARS 24, LIONS 27
Keep playing like this, and the Bears (3-7) might win a couple games and fall out of contention for the Moldy Carpet trophy. But, they still found a way to lose at home to the Kittens, and the Giants won, so anything is possible. It's just one game.
PACKERS 0, BALTIMORE 23
Not everybody can make the Ravens look good, but the Porkers pulled out all the stops, including the most hideous throw-back uniforms ever allowed on a football field. Beige pants with blue and yellow tops? The Pack played down to their attire, and flailing rookie QB Matt Hundley hurled 3 interceptions and dropped a fumble, and the Packers offense just got off the field as much as possible, and, eventually, the Ravens found a nearby end zone.
The Packers play the BROWNS in 3 weeks. Whoa. If Aaron Rodgers isn't back for that one, the Browns are in trouble, as in perfect season is in trouble trouble.
WASHINGTON 31, SAINTS 34
Just when you think some one will pull off an upset, just one, somewhere, the Deadskins can't do it, and, in phenomenal swirl of inactivity and blowing up, rally the Saints to victory, a 17-point swing in no time, and snatch the ring of defeat off the merry-go-round. Holy Cow. ANOTHER 4-6 team joins the party.
It's getting really 4-6 crowded in the Basement and out on the Patio, and the next two weeks will separate the men from the Moldy Carpet contenders FOR SURE. We gotta hope. I'm running out of stale pretzels.
AAAAAAnd That's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!
"Funny thing about winning. It's a lot more fleeting than losing." How profound! Yes, it's hard to get used to winning, but we spend most of our life learning to lose. Look at baseball. Wow, he's great, he gets on base one-third of the time! But it is more than that. Losing builds character, well, that is what they say because most of us are losing. Does it really build character? I don't think so, but it does create perspective. And we have LOTS of perspective in the Doormat Division. I read an inspirational article the other day that said there are three reasons we do not reach our potential: (1) we think we are not up to the task, (2) we want someone else to do it (why me?), and (3) fear of failure (or "Fear of Excellence" as Detroit Lions fans say). Sometimes it's easier to just lose, unless you can make the case that it is a strategy toward a real goal. "We will out lose the entire league!" But seriously, that is why we love our teams. They really are trying, but Americans know the best way to have perspective is to have a sense of humor. If you can't laugh, you got nothin', baby.
ReplyDeleteThe word talent actually comes from a parable in the New Testament. Talents were a unit of money. Jesus tells the story of a landowner who gives talents to three servants and tells them to use them while he is gone. Years later he returns, and each servant has made different uses of the talents. Two invested them and took risks and made the money grow. One just buried his talents. You can guess who got in trouble. Since it is a parable from Jesus, he is talking about the talents, or God-given gifts we all have. To bury them and not use them, to decide we are not up to the task, afraid to fail, or just leave it for someone else to do, is to waste our lives.
Anyway, Thanksgiving looks like a real Turkey day! Vikings/Lions SHOULD be a Doormat Game, but this year it ain't! How cool. Charges/Cowboys pits a doormat on the way out of the basement and another doormat about to roll head first down the basement steps. And just in time for the pumpkin pie and ice cream dessert, the evening game is Giants/Redskins. A classic rivalry game between a very confused doormat (NYG) fighting a team that is a doormat in disguise (Washington). Amazing that Kirk Cousins can lead the week in passing and passer rating and they still found a way to lose. Anyway, that should be a poorly played game. Enjoy!
I'd forgotten the 'how you use your talents' parable. Sunday School was a loooooooooooooong time ago. Redskinks-Giants all bets are off in that old rivalry. Giants are still victory challenged, however- they just ran into the self-immolating Chiefs last week. I'm intrigued by the Chargers-Cowboys game. I really have zero idea who can out-duel who for Basement privileges.
DeleteIf Skins can manage the loss against the Giants they are officially do
Deleteormats.
DeleteEli Manning has started in 209 consecutive games, 2nd only to Brett Favre. he just passed his bro Peyton who sits at 208.
ReplyDeleteI guess I should have called the Giants victory an upset, but the Chiefs are playing SO bad right now, it sure didn't look like one. Game was on the tube down here in the morning.
ReplyDeletemaybe the money in vegas was all on the Chiefs but DT posted some stats a couple of blogs ago and the chiefs were in the top 10 of something that only doormats do so I am not surprised they have lost 4 out of 5 since they started 5-0. Obviously week one against the patriots on a thursday was an anomaly as both teams have gone in totally different directions. Perhaps Andy Reid is to blame....
DeleteIt might have been Grant. He posted the EXP stats, and the Chiefs are on the list. Maybe the Commish did too.
DeleteIt was Week 11 predictions, KC is one of the 16 teams with a negative combined EXP. It's only around -6, but it definitely puts them in the mediocre parity junction category. Not likely to do much in the playoffs unless they really wake up, especially the defense. Right now, the three worst teams in the NFL for Defensive EXP, in order, are KC, Oakland, and New England. Pats are on top of the NFL in offense, but with a defense like that, they are definitely vulnerable. As for KC, it is more than vulnerable, they are raw parity meat for a team that's firing on all cylinders.
Deleteyes, I found them today as I perusing the blogs and other links. The stats are accurate to a point, but because they are cumulative, and the Pats had their worst days defensively early in the year and have improved incrementally every week, I see them as being the toughest to beat at this point. but as we all know the super bowl isn’t until feb. 2nd.
DeleteThe chiefs are toast regardless except that they are in a division with Chargers, Broncos and raiders.... I see a sub .500 team in playoffs again like we see every so often.
The Pats are definitely weak in defense, even if they have improved, but they also know how to win, and who else in the AFC is good? Steelers are 8-2, and getting better, but they are a team that could fall on its face at any minute. The only other option right now is Jacksonville? The Jags? Wha? That's a perennial doormat that escaped our notice this year. They actually have a shot. Auf wedersehen, guys! Thanks for the warm beer. Yer off the patio!
DeleteI gave Jacksonville a very premature Adios Bro-Cha-Cho like...in week four, I was so confident. They've got swagger this year. They way the Raiders looked last year. They just think they can pull it off, and they're doing it.
DeleteSetting the Record Straight:
ReplyDeletehttp://ftw.usatoday.com/2015/08/whats-the-worst-record-an-nfl-team-could-have-while-still-making-the-playoffs
I read that, too, the other day! Seattle- 7-9. And they won a playoff game with GUESS who at QB.
Delete