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| The charges go off at the Silverdome, but the Kat Box does not come down. |
Only four games to go in the regular season and it's so much fun to open a bag of chips, crack open a Anchor Steam, put our dirty-sock-covered feet on the Ottoman (it's actually a trash can with a newspaper duct-taped on top for padding), fire up a cigar, and watch the pundits talk about the "road to the playoffs" for teams that are still "in the hunt." Sorry, 5-6 or eve 6-6 is not in the hunt, it's a parity team looking to escape disaster. "If they get all their injured players back, the quarterback suddenly discovers how to step up in the pocket, the defense plays like its never played before, and all the rest of the division loses all the rest of their games, then (TEAM X) has a shot a wild card."
Really? It's not the road to the playoffs, it's the road to ruin! And that's why we are all here, right? So let's take a look at who will implode this week and guarantee a shot at Doormat greatness.
Chief vs Raiders.
Yes, the Chiefs and Raiders are both 6-6 and vying for the AFC West championship-how magnificently parity-ish that is--but it's really a Doormat game because the team that loses this trash-talking hate fest is shoving it into least mode and imploding for the rest of the season. The team that wins may win the division, but they will lose in the first round. The Chiefs are already like a drunk driver avoiding police by driving backwards on the Interstate, and the Raiders are like, well, the Raydurz. So, Doormat fans, this is truly your game of the week! Look for a lot of points on both sides of the ball, and for Alex Smith to bungle the clock at the end. Chiefs 28, Raiders 33.
Lions vs Bucs.
And speaking of implosions, did you see the Catastrophe at the Kat Box? Yes, folks, the Lions may be 6-6 (and playing like 1-15), and the Brownies may be threatening to go 0-16, but the Kittens strutted their stuff last week and showed the world what institutionalized, systemic badness looks like by failing to blow up their own stadium. That's right, they have moved out of the old Kat Box (Pontiac Silverdome) and moved into a beautiful new Kat Box. I hear the new one smells a lot better because it has an automatic cat litter sweeper. Anyway, when the charges went off to destroy the old stadium al that happened was the roof caved in, but the rest of the old box was still there. Way to go Detroit! Show them how you get it done! By the way, Atlanta successfully detonate their old stadium just two weeks before, right next door to the new one, without a hitch. And what about this game? Lions continue the implosion: Lions 18, Bucs 24.
Titans vs Cardinals
The nail goes in the coffin this week in Arizona. It's the 3:10 to Yuma, guys, and Titans are starting to play like winners. Well, division winners. They will be a parity sacrifice in the playoffs, if they get there.
Titans 17, Cardinals 14
Patriots vs Dolphins
The season finally implodes completely for Miami as the "suspect" Patriots gill the Dolphins.
Patriots 38, Dolphins 10
Redskins vs Chargers
At 5-7, Redskins are another team ready for the final implosion. I still can't figure out how Cousins can have such good numbers and such lousy results. Anyway, Chargers are ready for this one and Washington is ready for the dumpster.
Redskins 10, Chargers 34
Steelers vs Ravens
This is last gasp Sunday for the Ravens. Steelers are still reeling from the devastating win last week against the Bungles. If Ravens win this one, they might go on a run. But it's more like running to the locker room this week. Implosion Sunday in Baltimore.
Steelers 24, Ravens 23
Cowboys vs Giants
At 6-6 the Cowpies are still in "in the pond" as they say for a divisional title. Giants have a new quarterback and an all new swagger, and they always play Dallas tough, but not this week. Pies DON'T implode this week.
Cowboys 28, Giants 21.
Bears vs Bengals
Two teams that wear orange, which is the new pink. At 5-7 Bengals are "in the hunt." Ha. Bears have all the right cylinders not firing right now, but Bengals are really banged up. It's implosion time.
Bears 17, Bengals 14.
Packers vs Browns
This would be the moment for the final implosion of the Packers. But they are playing the orange you kinda bad Brownies and playing in Cheese Head central.
Browns 10, Packers 21.
49ers vs Texans
Toxins are a really bad team in not a very good disguise. Niners have a handsome new quarterback who knows all about deflated balls.
49ers 17, Toxins, 10
Colts vs Bills
Bills are definitely an imploding team. Colts imploded in week one. Sorry Bills, this week you get a "W" and stay on the patio. You can implode next week against the Fins.
Colts 17, Bills 21
Jets vs Broncos
Broncos are going to draw straws for who starts under center this week. Doesn't matter, that guy will only get two series of downs.
Jets 21, Broncos 9
The Oracle has spoken!
imagine going to the game to see the Lions and the bucs this sunday, and when you get to the stadium it is half destroyed with debris from the blown off roof dome all over the seats and aisles. the teams are out on the artificial turf/concrete warming up, but there is no concessions or ticket takers. A few scattered employees of the teams are out there sweeping debris so the yard line markers are visible and creating barriers between the fans and the field. Trying to keep this as organized as possible, no fighting will be allowed. Apocolypse Detroit. Somehow the new Kat box was unavailable due to electrical outage or something so they decided to play the game at the old silverdome since it was still standing after the implosion, even though no one can use the upper deck because it might collapse at any time. scary and sketchy all at once we have been transported to another dimension where sports is not just about ad revenue and TV viewership.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea who would win this match up.
DeleteOh, my, what a great idea. Now that is a game I would really love to see.
DeleteThis would be the greatest Doormat game of all time.
DeleteOne thing I will say about the Kingdome...okay more than one. I saw many a Baseball game there, including the '79 MLB All Star game and a few others with Grant. Later a full season of Seahawks football when they were in the AFC, including MNF vs. da Raydurz, plus 2 FINAL FOUR's the NBA All-Star Game and a couple of Rock Concerts. In the end that implosion went off way better than a Dave Krieg 'soap dish' pass: https://youtu.be/OZkr0A9633Q
DeleteI remember having to wear a cap in the Kingdome because the lights were so low in the field of vision.
Delete"Niners have a handsome new quarterback who knows all about deflated balls. " OH YEAH!!!
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU for this article. Samuel Clemens would have enjoyed this one, man. That photo alone is enough to get one pumped up to write something spectacular.
ReplyDeleteI remember watching the Niners and the Skins play, and really thinking hard about how Cousins does this- good numbers but shaky results. They BARELY beat the Whiners. And when this game was played, the chatter was about how Cousins could end up with the Whines QB for next year, as Shanahan coached him before. That ain't happnin' now, baby.
ReplyDeletehow do I make a smiley face on the blog comment?
DeleteI tried....
Delete:) - I got it !
Delete