NFL Week 13 Doormat Predictions

Remember this guy? Bears didn't just win games, they won wars back then.

Wow, if Giants and Bears lose and 49ers win, we have a three-way grapple for the NFC drain! Browns are running away...from home.

The Parity Party on Thursday night (Cowpies vs. Deadskins) was proof again that there is no joy in watching mediocre teams stumble through a game like zombies at Wal Mart. Unless you are a Cowboys fan—yech—there was little to enjoy. Kirk Cousins is hard at work proving that a “franchise quarterback” is NOT what a team needs to get to the Super Bowl, or even the playoffs, or a .500 record. Yes, a great QB helps, but it takes solid players in the trenches….period.

So Doormats and All Stars are the only shows worth watching in this town, and since we are the Doormat Denizens, its the worst of the NFL that counts.

Looking to this week…

GAME OF THE WEEK!

49ers vs. the Bears. The San Francisco Santa Clarans have won a game! And because they got close to a few other wins, things are looking suspect. Can they lose on the Bears home turf? Of course! But it won’t be easy, because the rock-jawed, five o'clock-shadowed finely sculpted Garappolo (sounds like a bunch of islands full of weird lizards) is about the squeeze the pigskin in his manly fingers and guide the hapless 49ers through the Swiss cheese Chicago secondary. Holes the size of Lake Michigan.

The word on the street in Chicago is that they should have traded for the Garappolo when instead of drafting Trubisky. But they didn't. So now, "Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes… The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together – mass hysteria. That may or may not be a quote from Ghostbusters, but it certainly feels like what Bears fans are experiencing right now. (Chicago Tribune Sports)." 

Trubisky actually tripped over his own feet several times against the Eagles, and I have gathered that he's been in an alley with some old squinty-eyed guy chasing a chicken in the hope that his footwork will improve. As far as I know, he wasn't eating any chicken.

This isn't the 3-game winning team of last year, it's much worse. Can they continue to get blown out as they did against the Eagles (31-3)? Uh, the Eagles were a cinch,  a cream puff loss, and SF will be a difficult game to lose.

The scaley Garoppolo makes losing questionable for the Niners, and the Bears have their own thing going for the loss--they can't tackle at the line, and Jordan Howard can run. The bottom line? San Francisco has a 1-10 record and the Moldy Carpet at stake; they have to lose this game or the Bears and Giants will be right on their ass. The game is at Soldier Field, the Bears may have to win just in order to escape the stadium alive. So at this moment, it is anybody's loss. But I am going with the Whiners.

And now the predictions:

49ers- 20

Bears- 24

Buccaneers- 17

Packers- 12

Colts- 10

Jaguars- 13

Broncos- 10

Miami- 9

(This is the AFC doormat game of the week. Anyone could lose this one at any moment. Tough call.)

Chiefs- 20

Jets- 21

(Yes, Chiefs are in a total swan dive)

Texans- 17

Titans- 24

Browns- 17

Chargers- 33

(Another journeyman loss. The Browns are so good at this it's getting boring, even if they go 0-16).

Giants- 17

Raiders- 21

(This should be a very interesting game. Giants have no business winning this one, but they might).

The Oracle has spoken!