DOORMAT DIVISION: WEEK 12 WRAP-UP And BRAWL

DURING STREET FIGHT, FOOTBALL GAME BREAKS OUT

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 12

NFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Santa Clara    2-9        239     293       -54

Arizona         2-9         155     293       -138
NY Giants      3-8         237     288       -51

Tampa Bay    4-7         294     338       -44

Detroit          4-7         238     286       -48

Atlanta          4-7        280     307        -27     
  

AFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland         2-9        187     327      -140

NY Jets          3-8        221     281      -60

Jacksonville   3-8        197     243      -46

Buffalo          4-7        161     272      -111

Cleveland      4-6-1     253     283      -30

JAGS 21, BILLS 24

Locked in a 14-14 third quarter scrum in what was purportedly a football game, the Jacksonville Gaguars pulled out all the stops yesterday when it mattered most. Just after scoring what appeared to be the go-ahed TD, the Jags needed something, anything, to stop this slide towards a victory against the team they played in the ugliest NFL playoff game of all time back in January. It's no small issue to determine who has faded with more force, and yesterday, they had to act.

It's literally a no-brainer to start a brawl when you appear to have scored a TD at the pylon. Brilliant assessment by Gags RB Justin Fournette, who raced all the way across the field to start trading punches with a person in full pads. Hey! You outta the game! 

Once the fake grass pellets settled, the beer was poured on a head or two, and round two finished up in the tunnel, the TD was nullified by replay.  Then the Gags went to work on Billls 1-yard line:

1st down:  Carlos Hyde for 1-yard loss.  

2nd down at Bills 7 : FALSE START.  

2nd down at Bills 7:  TD...nullified by holding.

2nd down at Bills 17:  Bortles scramble for 1 yard

3rd down at Bills 16:  Bortles sacked for 8-yard loss.

4th down at Bills 24:  Missed field goal sliced left by J. Lambo from 42.

Is that art or what?! Jacksonville has now lost 7 straight, rocket past the Bills in the Doormat standings and now just have to find the grit and guts to keep this trash can of chaos rolling for 5 more games, and hope the Raiders and Jets somehow win a game.  The Jags beat the Jets in week 4 (their last victory), so they can't settle for a tie with them.

TANKERS 17, RAVENS 34

Oakland is a major port on the west coast.  This team has earned the right to be called the TANKERS.  To be fair, the Tankers kept themselves in the game, deepening the suspense of when they'd do the dirty deed. All this despite getting plowed over to the tune of 242 yards rushing by the Raven-Poes, giving up a punt return for a TD and not turning ball ov- wait a minute.  When the chips were down, QB Derek Carr comes up with the fummmmmmble and the Ravens run it in for the final nail in the coffin with 2:20 left in the game. Could the Tankers be any worse?  Of course!  Tune in next week- they play the CHIEFS.

49ERS 9, BUCCANEERS 27
Now that Ryan Fitzpatrick is on the sidelines, the Bucs are unlikely to challenge for the Moldy Carpet. But the 49ers are right there. Starting the train wreck on Saturday with kicking knuckleheaded domestic violence boob Reuben Foster off the team, after he gave his girlfriend a concussion- in TAMPA at the team hotel- the 49ers got out on the field and showed all the evidence of a team that has no idea what the finkle to expect next.

The rest of the Whinos schedule looks like 5 straight losses to me, unless the San Andreas fault opens up and swallows Los Angeles, Santa Clara, and Seattle.

BROWNS 35, BENGALS 20
One game away from tying the all-time record for consecutive road losses (26, Detroit), the Bosses of Blank pulled into Cincinnati and pounded the Bengals in this week's Doormat Upset. Whoa that had to feel good. When was the last time the Browns beat the Bengals in Cincy? Your mom was still wearing army boots. Play of the day was tight end David Njoku catching a Baker Mayfield pass at the Bengal 10, trying to vault into the end zone from the 5 (way too far out),and then getting carried into the end zone by a scrum of Browns linemen. He didn't touch down until it was a touchdown. You really gotta love the Browns.
4-6-1 never looked so good. 

LIONS 16, BEARS 23
The city of Detroit can always count on a Turkey on the table and on their TV set every Thanksgiving. Whenever they wear the Blank Helmets, it's kinda..obvious.

The Bears vault to 8-3, and officially can't have a losing record, causing their official ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHO from The Basement with 5 games left on the schedule.
They were 5-11 last year, and 3-13 in 2016.  So, get off our patio.

JETS 13, PATRIOTS 27
Just
Endure 
The 
Suffering

GIANTS 22, EAGLES 25
It was a real nail-biter, but the Giants got back to losing,  Blowing a 19-3 lead and ending it by scraping an Eagle's FG over the cross-bar with :25 seconds left to kick the Eagles off our patio and tell them to stop pretending to be so damn bad. That was some serious Doormat pride. Watch and learn.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK
CARDINALS 10, CHARGERS 45
The Cards inched out to a 10-0 lead in the first quarter, and then- AVALANCHE!  The Chargers found 414 yards all to themselves, 30 first downs, and 178 yards rushing, along with oodles of time for Philip Rivers to throw the ol' pigskin around the yard, going 28 for 29 and setting the record for most consecutive completed passes- 25 to 'start' the game.
Cruds 2-9 and still on the 49ers heels.  Good luck, guys.  The competition is stiff.  In fact...check for a pulse, there.

HONORABLE CHEESE MENTION:
The Cheesemen from Green Bay keep trying, but the Falcons lost again yesterday, so the Packers yet again don't make our standings and must wait out on the patio.  They ARE two games under .500, so they are so, so very close.  Hang in there, Wisconsin, we hear you knockin'.

aaaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!

NFL Predictions Week XII: Which Turkeys are Done?

Every team has played at least ten games, and 9 of them have 3 or fewer wins. If any 3-7 team runs the table they could conceivably make the playoffs as a 9-7 wild card, but come on, are Cleveland, Buffalo, NYG, Tampa Bay, Jacksonville or NYJ going to win 6  in a row? On the other hand, any one of these teams could easily lose 6 in a row, which means they all have a shot at the Moldy Carpet. This year, it’s going to be exciting right to the end.

And speaking of the end, Oakland missed the chance to be done for the season with a last minute field goal against Arizona. They could have been 1-9 and almost a lock for the AFC basement. They have now won two games. Their dominance of the basement is in question.

Which brings up a question: Which turkey is closest to being “done” and poised to snag the Moldy Carpet? Fittingly, with Thanksgiving upon us, we turn to the Turkey Quotient for some clues to the future. Here are the current teams with negative TQs:

AFC

OAK: -12.3

MIA: -10.1

NYJ: -10.1

BUF: -7.1

JAC: -2.3

TEN: -1.1

(Wow, Brownies are in positive territory right now (+0.2))

NFC

ARI: -9.1

SAN: -6.6

DET: -5.1

NYG: -4.8

TAM: -2

PHI: -2

ATL: -0.5

(Don’t forget Alex Smith is out for the season, Washington could lose 6 in a row.)

Clearly, Oakland and the New York Jets are around 155 degrees and getting nice and brown on top. Time to bast them! A few more losses and the little red button should pop out. I predict the Raiders pop first. Miami has a strong negative TQ, but 5 wins. Not sure how that happened. They will tank, but with 5 Ws, it’s too late for them. As for the NFC, it looks like Arizona and San Francisco are the only two getting close to done. SF has to play Seattle twice, Rams once and the Bears before it’s all over. No way they win more than two more games. Arizona gets the Rams and Seahawks, but the rest of their schedule is a little soft. I give the 49ers the first red button pop up!

The rest of the Turkeys? Detroit, Buffalo, and the Giants all have a shot, but not likely. This Moldy Carpet is going to come down to a Turkey Shoot with Oakland or NYJ in the AFC and San Francisco or Arizona in the NFC.

But it’s Turkey week now, so here are the predictions:

Chicago- 28

Detroit-16

San Francisco- 14

Tampa Bay- 28

New England- 36

New York Jets- 12

New York Giants- 16

Philadelphia- 12

(The collapse will be total, but too late for the Moldy Carpet)

Oakland- 17

Baltimore-21

Jacksonville- 21

Buffalo-17

Cleveland- 28

Cincinnati- 30

Arizona- 10

Los Angeles Chargers- 36

Miami- 21

Indianapolis-33

Enjoy your turkeys, gentlemen!

The Oracle has spoken!

DOORMAT DIVISION: WEEK 11 WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

 JAGUARS UNVEIL NEW HELMET

REFLECTING OVERALL FRANCHISE BRAIN POWER 

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11

NFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Santa Clara    2-8         230    266       -36

Arizona         2-8         145     248      -103

Tampa Bay    3-7         267     329       -62
NY Giants      3-7         215     263       -48

Detroit          4-6         222     263       -41

Philly            4-6         205     231       -26

    

AFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland         2-8        170     293      -123
NY Jets          3-7        208     254      -46 
Jacksonville   3-7        176     219      -43
Buffalo          3-7        137     251      -114
Cleveland      3-6-1     218     263      -45

CHIEFS 51, RAMS 54

It may have been the greatest shoot-out since my neighbors moved away, but 5 turnovers by your QB gives you special mention in the Doormat. Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes throws 3 INTs, two in the final 1:13, the third one for a pick-six, and drops 2 fumbles, one for a fumble-six. The other fumble resulted in a TD a few plays later. The fact they still were in it, and scored 51 points, is nuts. But wild inaccuracy tends to lose games. Mahomes had it at the end. But for those turnovers, the Chiefs might have won going away. Where they were going away to I dunno.

JAGUARS 16, STEELERS 20

Steelers had no business winning this game.  But that's okay, because the Jags are on a mission to make their fans forget they were in the AFC Championship game last year, leading the Patriots 20-10 early in the 4th quarter.  See? You'd already forgotten.  Jags fans running out of unmarked pills in medicine cabinet, resorting to snorting random dust in junk drawer.

RAIDERS 23, CARDINALS 21

Raiders win a game in the desert, yet still own worst record in the AFC. It's nice to have a cushion when adversity strikes.  Cards hold tie-breaker over Raiders now.  Gonna be a tight race to the Moldy Carpet.  In the locker room after the sweat-breaker, Cards QB Josh Rosen flatly stated his team "is the better team" than the Raiders. It always gets confusing when losing puts you in first. 

LIONS 20, PANTHERS 19

A week after getting plastered 52-21 by the Steelers, the Panthers shave two points off their point total, and squeak by the Lions, who were forced to take the victory at the Kat Box in Detroit. Lions fans confused by not having to bury this game in tortured psyche.

BRONCOS 23, CHARGERS 22

The Broncos are clearly just not bad enough, Boris.  Chargers play throwback game, blowing 19-7 third quarter lead.  Broncos bring home the weekend's biggest upset.

BUCS 35, GIANTS 38

Leading 24-7 early in the 3rd quarter, the Giants staged a furious fade, but could not wreck the afternoon for the Meadowlands fans (I don't even care what it's called out there these days). Aware that he had a chance to catch up to the Jet's Sam Darnold in the interception race, the Buc's Fitzmagic was in full blowup mode, with Fitzy slinging 3 interceptions before Jameis Winston got into the game and started the Futile Comeback.

I think this was Fitz's last game starting for...just about anybody.  Giants have won 2 in a row.  Good GOD.  Coach Pat Shumer was talking playoffs PLAYOFFS? PLAYOFFS? in the post-game presser. Somebody needs to calm down.

EAGLES 7, SAINTS 48

It's not the Saints fault they can't find somebody to keep up with them. Eagles QB Carson Wentz fires 3 interceptions, and clocks a 31.9 passer rating for the day. Remember Nick Foles? Who? Remember the Super Bowl? The WHAT? Does somebody have a ring I can look at for a minute?  

Defrost your Turkey, after the frozen turkey bowling at the super.  Cran your berries.  Pump your kin, and- wait no, that sounds wrong. We're hoping for rain, here in California.  Supposed to rain Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  That will be something to be thankful for.  

Enjoy your Thanksgiving, Doormat Fans.  Hug your loved ones.  Hug the ones you maybe you'd rather sack for a huge loss.  Gather round.  Huddle up.  Fill your plate.

Cheers,

THE DOORMAT DIVISION

NFL Predictions Week XI: 4 Balls, no Strikes

Jeana Keough. Not a bad win for a doormat legend.

It was Tuesday, Sept. 5, 1979 when A’s pitcher Matt Keough shuffled to the mound in the “Mausoleum” in front of 1,772 distracted Oakland fans (“Hey, pass that joint”). He was facing the formidable 85-60 Brewers. The A’s at the time were 50-95, well on their way to a 100-loss season and doormat infamy.

But the team records did not matter. The true doormat story that night was Keough. He had not had a decision in 28 consecutive starts—a feat not accomplished since Cliff Curtis did it in 1911—and he had lost 14 games in a row, tying him for the major league consecutive loss pitching record. Would he break the record tonight and enter the Doormat Hall of Fame?

We had to know. We were there, the Commish, Wacko, and Walkfish.

Keough set his jaw like a robot in a Schwarzenegger movie. His teammates seemed extra alert (never know when a Keough pitch will transform into a 120 mph line drive at your head). Matt hung in there for a complete game, gave up 5 hits and 1 run, walked 4 and struck out 5. A’s won 6-1. History was averted! The Brewers bombed Keough a week later. 

By the way, Anthony Young smashed the record with 27 consecutive losses across the 1992 and 93 seasons. Wow!

Keough’s lifetime record was 58-84 with a 4.17 ERA. But he was a big winner in the end, marrying a Playboy Playmate, Jeana Tomasino, and raising a family and eventually starring together in “True Wives of Orange County.”

And that, my friends, is why we love our teams, even when they lose, because doormat or champion, there is always excitement on the field and history to be made.

And now for this week’s predictions for teams with 3 or fewer wins:

Panthers- 28

Lions- 17

Buccaneers- 28
NY Giants- 14

Steelers- 44
Jaguars- 8

Raiders- 10
Cardinals-12

Broncos- 16
Chargers- 36

Broncos have sort of snuck in the basement here, only 3 wins. Definitely on the radar now!

With their miserable loss to the Seahags on Thursday, the 4-5-1 Pack is in the sack. Welcome to the couch, guys.

Watch out for the Skins, they are a stealth doormat.

Eagles are not stealth. They have crash landed on the patio, setting the propane tank on fire, and will now have to face a red hot Saints team. BTW, Eagles have still lost by more than a touchdown only once in their last 33 games. So they keep it close. Not a "doormat" game, but still have to call this one: Eagles, 21, Saints, 28.

The Oracle has spoken.
​

THIS WEEK'S UNDERDOGS

SPEED OF LIGHTNING, 

ROAR OF THUNDER

FIGHTING ALL WHO ROB OR PLUNDER 

(or are favored by Vegas)

do-do-do-do UNDERDOG!

THIS WEEK'S BIGGEST UNDERDOGS

Philadelphia    +8     @  NEW ORLEANS
Denver            +7           LA CHARGERS
Oaklan            +5           ARIZONA
JACKSN        +5           Pittsburgh
DETROIT      +4           Carolina


8 points is a pretty wide margin, even if it is the Saints (8-1),  the best team in the NFL right now.
We've all forgotten the Eagles (4-5) are world champs, that's for sure.  Right now, they're just trying to stay out of the Basement.  They will beat the spread, but won't win the game.

I also think the Broncos will beat the spread with the Chargers, but still think they'll pull the L. 

You know it's bad when you are 5 point underdogs to the Cardinals.  I can't say the Raiders will even score in this game.   Cards allow 25 points a game, Raiders 30.   On offense, the Cards average 13.8, Raiders 16.3 points per game.  So, the question is, who will clank one off the upright last, preserving the loss?

The Lions would be 10 point underdogs if the Panthers hadn't gotten completely shellacked by the Steelers last Thursday (52-21).  Still, 4 point 'dogs, at home at the Kat Box, ain't chopped liver.  Panthers cover the spread.   

MARQUEE DOORMAT GAMES

Not very many Doormat teams are even playing  this weekend.  SF, Buffalo, Cleveland and the NYJets, are all golfing or eating pork rinds and watching pro bowling.

Raiders (1-8)  @ Cardinals (2-7)  
The Charaders will be in the driver's seat if they lose this one, gaining a critical tiebreaker over an NFC foe that is still a solid contender.  They already hold the tiebreaker over the 49ers (having lost to them in Week 8).  This is gonna be a tough one.

Bucs (3-6) @ Giants  (2-7)
Hot on the 49ers tails, the Giants lost a big one last week, winning in Santa Clara, and losing their tie-breaker with the Whiners. Eli Manning leads the league in sacked yardage (over 240 yards) and sacks with 32.  Despite this, the Whiners blitzed him only once, getting their lone sack, showing great craft at the skill of losing. If the Bucs use the same plan, the Giants will have a hard time losing this game. 
Bucs hold the ace with Fitzmagic, a magic show that often blows up in your face. Says here Bucs pull into tie with Giants.  They'd better lose, because next week they get the 49ers, and we all know how good they (49ers) are at losing late, and often. 

Hard to believe the Saint's only loss is to the Bucs, in Week 1. 

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK?
Jaguars vs. Steelers
The Jags have a great opportunity to lose big and get somebody fired with this one. 
Will the Steelers be pooped out from last week?  No more points to pile?  They'll still win. 
Interesting the point spread is only +5 for the Jags.  Jacksonville still has a good defense, despite the plummet into the Basement (5 straight losses).  Leonard Fournette is back at RB for the Jags, so PERHAPS this game will be close.  Jags still lose.

MISCELLANY
The Jet's Sam Darnold, our interception leader with 14, gets the week off, so the rest of the field gets a chance to catch up.  4 guys with 10 interceptions.  Get to work, you bums.

aaaaAAAND That's The View From the Basement!!!

Doormat Division: WEEK 10 Updated Standings and 49ers Take Over NFC LEad

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 10

NFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Santa Clara    2-8         230    266        -36
NY Giants     2-7         177    228        -51
Arizona         2-7         124     225       -101
Tampa Bay    3-6         232     291       -59

Detroit           3-6         202    244        -42

    

AFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland        1-8         147      272       -125
NY Jets         3-7         208      254       -46   
Jacksonville  3-7         134      170      -36
Buffalo          3-7        137     251       -114
Cleveland      3-6-1     218      263       -45
Denver          3-6         205      213      -8

49ERS 23,  GIANTS 27

The San Francisco 49ers are the rootin' tootin' foot shootin'-est team in the NFC.  Despite the best efforts of the Cards and the Giants, the Whiners hold the tie-breaker with both of those teams, and have a serious inside track on the NFC title for the Doormat Division.  The 49ers have blown 4th quarter leads in 3 of their last 4 HOME GAMES.   Of their 8 losses, they led going into the 4th quarter in 5 of them.  

After last night's flameout, they hole sole position in the Doormat NFC at 2-8.  Next week they play the Bucs,  the other top foot-shooting team in the NFL, so it should be a helluva contest to see how can lose to who.

-wacko

WEEK 10 WRAP-UP: UPSET WEEKEND!!!

Or, Popcorn Bowl-Toss Weekend!

YOWEEEEE!!!!

BEATING THE ODDS

The Basement was rockin' yesterday, Doormat Denizens! The Bills, the Redskins, the Cowboys, the TITANS, and the Browns all beat the odds and outright won their games. An incredible weekend of upsets and defying the point spread.  Even the Cardinals beat the spread (well, 16 1/2 points is a little ridiculous).  Thankfully, a few teams- the Bucs, the Raiders and the Lions-  brought home the Bacon of Embarrassment and kept the Moldy Carpet dream alive.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 10

NFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

NY Giants     1-7         150     205       -55
Santa Clara    2-7         207     239       -32
Arizona         2-7         124     225       -101
Tampa Bay    3-6         232     291       -59

Detroit           3-6         202    244        -42

    

AFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland        1-8         147      272       -125
NY Jets         3-7         208      254       -46     
Jacksonville  3-7         134      170      -36
Buffalo          3-7        137     251       -114
Cleveland      3-6-1     218      263       -45
Denver          3-6         205      213      -8

BILLS 41, JETS 10
Okay, so it was the Jets, and without Sam Darnold.  7 points was a GAUDY amount to be favored by, but nobody saw this coming.  Bills QB Matt Barkley last won a game when QB'ing for Chicago, in a snowstorm, against the 49ers, two years ago.  It appeared to be the only conditions under which he could win a game. Not so!

The Bills just pulverized the Jets, converting 2 turnovers into points, racked up 451 yards of total offense, scored nearly HALF the points they'd scored all season, and just mowed the lawn with the Jets. Does it matter that the Jets were only one game better in the standings?  Not in Buffalo!  In fact, all the better because the Bills are not even in last place in the AFC East anymore. Woo-Hoo! 

Does that feel good, Buffalo?  Huh?  Does it?  The Bills get the Reeling Jaguars next week at home.  Get out to the stadium, you long-suffering fans, and scream your heads off.  Maybe it'll even snow for Mr. Barkley.

TITANS 34, PATRIOTS 10
The Titans didn't just win this game. They demolished the Pats.  Oh MY does this feel good.  We were cheering so loud the tattered Titanics wallpaper peeled off the walls!! There is no better upset than beating the Patriots, and our Titanics were underdogs by 6 1/2.  No Tom Terrific 4th quarter, baby.  No points at all in the second half for the Patsies. New England's lack of a running game turned into a 40-yard TOTAL LACK of a running game. The Titans defense just put the screws on them and QB Marcus Mariota and a balanced running attack looked like a playoff team yesterday.  Maybe it's just one week.  But Nashville and all of Tennessee will take it.  5-4 and on the plus side of the NFL.  Get off our patio!

BROWNS 28, FALCONS 16
Blank Helmet football hasn't been this fun since Brian Sipe or Bernie Kosar was dropping back and threading the needle and making Browns fans hearts stop. The Browns finally win big at home for the first time since the Harding administration (or week 13 of the 2015 season against a completely demoralized 49er team that finished 5-11). This was different. The Browns beat a team that had been averaging 25.5 points a game and had won 4 straight. And they looked flat-out exciting doing it. Browns fans witnessed a 92-yard run for a touchdown, which had to be explained to them was an actual legal NFL play by the helpful stadium ushers in the orange parkas with the pamphlets.

Brownie Baker Mayfield looked stellar...can I really say that about a Brown's QB?  Somebody ask an usher. 3 TD passes, fabulous mobility extending plays. If they'd just use a darker tone of brown on the unis, we'd be in business.  But I'm quibbling.  Throw the popcorn a little higher, Browns fans.  Good GOD that took a long time to happen.  The best 3-6-1 team in the NFL, ladies and gents.

COWBOYS 27, EAGLES 20
It's not my idea of fun to report that the Cowboys pulled off an upset, but you gotta be honest to have any credibility around here. Otherwise, I'd have to move into the broom closet with the Commodore 64 (our fabulous nerve center of the Doormat Division!) be warmed by the battered space heater, and live on scraps from the neighbor's garbage grilled on the rusted Weber BBQ out on the patio.  Are we done here?  The Eagles are not last year's Eagles, and the Cowboys shouldn't have been 7 1/2 underdogs, but underdogs they were, and about to get their coach fired.  So, a one-week reprieve for America's 2nd most tiresome team (sorry, Dallas, New England wins that one).

THE BACON OF EMBARRASSMENT

Somebody has to bring it home.  And we've still got dysfunction programmed on NFL Sunday.
Let's start with the bottom of the pit:

RAIDERS 6, CHARGERS 20
The Charrrrraiders are the creme' de la creme' of the Doormat Division.  Drive to the 1 yard line and don't score.  Commit neutral zone infractions multiple times to turn 3rd and 6 into 3rd and 1 for the Chargers.  When the Raiders got a turnover yesterday, we had to rewind it and watch it 4 or 5 times before we could understand that this had actually happened.  It's like spotting a Dodo bird.

Oh..just top to bottom.  A demoralized roster with a coach talking about being tough for building to future creating a vision of dysfunction that any fan can smell from a mile off, and see when Derek Carr bails and grounds a pass on 4th down to...wait why would you do that?  Because there's just no point. The end zone is closed for the rest of the season, Raider Nation. Just stay in the parking lot next game. You've got a better seat. 

A helpful graphic came up on the TV yesterday about the Raider 'defense':

Yards allowed:               27th (ranking)
3rd down conversions:  30th
Points allowed:             31st
Takeaways:                   31st
Rush yards allowed      LAST
Sacks                            LAST
6.8 yards allowed per play- highest in the Super Bowl era.

Let us close the crypt for now, and not view the offense's stats.  It's just too grisly for a Monday morning.

BUCS 3,  REDSKINS 16
Hold the other team to 15 first downs, rack up 501 yards of offense...and only score a field goal.
WOW.  The Redskins get to register an UPSET with this impressive effort from the Bucs, with implosionary magician Ryan Fitzpatrick dealing from the Bucs backfield.  A master of red zone disaster,  Fitz threw an INT at the Washington 7 and dealt a fumble at the 2, threw in a fumble just outside the red zone, and ...isn't that enough?  What else do you want from this man?  More beard?
The Bucs are the most bizarre 3-6 team in the league.

CARDINALS 14, CHIEFS 28
The Cardinals don't have the 49ers on their schedule for any more games.  Rookie QB Josh Rosen has a lot of learning to do.  Should go 2-14 and Moldy Carpet contender.  The most boring team in the league.

LIONS 22, BEARS 34
The Kittens have returned to the fold in the Basement.  We have set up a cat box over by the possum's area, with the possum willing to persevere through the imposition for now.  3-6 and fading fast, the Lions have tough games to lose when they have the Cardinals and the Bills in consecutive weeks 12/9 and 12/16.  Otherwise, they can run the table.

BENGALS 14, SAINTS 51
Astonishingly the bigger blowout of the weekend, topping the 52-21 PITT-CAR margin.  Yes, the Bungles have a winning record, but they almost got under the 20-minute time of possession (20:14) a feat accomplished usually only once a year, and has not been attained yet this season. 

TONIGHT'S MARQUEE MATCHUP:

GIANTS (1-7) at 49ers  (2-7)
Huge game in the City That Is Not San Francisco tonight.  Should settle the bragging rights in the NFC for at least 1 week. 

OKAY!  We still have our Moldy Carpet contenders, but HOORAY for the UNDERDOG this week!
The sun is shining a little brighter today, even from behind a massive cloud bank.

aaaAAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

NFL Predictions Week X: Doormat Glory

Here are the Underpower Rankings based on the Turkey Quotient (TQ) of each team that has a minus score as of Week IX. TQ is a formula of total offense and defense combined with margins of defeat, turnovers, penalties, and strength of schedule. These are your losing teams for Week X (unless they play each other, then only one gets to lose).

AFC
Raiders: -13.1
Bills: -10.9
Dolphins: -7
Jets: -4.7
Jaguars: -2.7
Titans: -0.9
Browns: -0.5

Yes, Miami mighty be 5-3, but the numbers bode of evil times ahead for the Fins.

NFC
Cardinals: -10.2
49ers: -6.8
Lions: -5.6
Giants: -4.1
Packers: -2.5
Cowboys: -1.8

Packers and Cowboys both have a place on the patio now. They lose their next game and it’s an open seat on the duct tape couch. We have lots of coffee and donuts here for you guys!

And now the predictions. First, the GAME OF THE WEAK (and they are weak teams). I am talking about the Whiners and the Gnats in a game of true Doormat Glory.  With a TQ of  -6.8 for SF and -4.1 for the Giants, it’s easy to lean toward SF to lose this one. But they are in Santa Clara, which means people in the stadium can see the glow of the city lights back in the Bay where the fans are. If all those fans scream at once from the site of Candlestick it takes 11 minutes for the sound to get to Levi’s Stadium. That’s about how long it will take for the first SF series of downs and punt.

SF is at home, that should complicate them losing, but they have 18 turnovers to NY’s 11. But SF has 191 first downs to NYG’s 142. Yet, New York is ranked 8th in passing to SF at 24th in the league. And everyone will be on their smart phone downloading the newest app anyway so the fans won’t care. So I give this game to SF to lose. 4 quarters of futility punctuated by two monster turnovers in the 3rd quarter in the red zone to give SF the losing edge: 10-17.

San Francisco- 10
NYG- 17

Dolphins-17
Packers- 16
(That's right, GB is a doormat.)
 
Atlanta- 36
Cleveland- 12

Jacksonville- 17
Indianapolis- 32

Detroit- 17
Chicago- 20

Arizona- 9
Kansas City- 36
(AZ gets FG with .08 on the clock.)

Washington- 21
Tampa Bay- 28

Buffalo- 12
New York Jets- 21

LA Chargers- 28
Oakland-8

Dallas- 10
Philadelphia- 24


The Oracle has spoken!

Week 10- THE LONGEST ODDS

GOOD LUCK BOTTOM OF THE HEAP

NFL WEEK 10 offers the longest odds in the most games so far this season.
Here they are:

Cardinals +16.5  at   Chiefs
Raiders    +10     vs. Chargers
Dolphins  +10     at  Packers 
Seahags    +10    at  Rams
Bills         +7      at   Jets
Cowboys  +7      at  Eagles
Lions        +6.5  at   Bears
Titans       +6.5  at   Patriots

Maybe Texans will stop betting so heavily on the Cowboys, after Monday's turf-biter against the Titans.  The Cowpokes were favored by a ridiculous 5 1/2 points, even though they had the same record as the Titans, have a mediocre coach, and have nothing going on.  At least this week they are underdogs by a touchdown.  So HEY we had an UPSET last week, after all, although kind of tainted by Vegas over-betting by Dallas lovers.

The Cardinals will not beat the spread. 
Raiders should have serious problems doing the same.  They're going to have trouble putting on their uniforms, that's for sure.  Titans can beat spread, if defense gets to Brady. Tall order. 

UPSET?
Honestly every one of these games is tough to bet on the Underdog, except the Lions.
The Lions are our best bet for an upset, and at least beating the odds.  Just don't be a turnover machine, punt deep, and play the long game by not trying to throw long passes. The Bears barely mount 1 long drive per game, and depend on turnovers for results. Matt Stafford plays a smart game, Lions have a shot.

Bills QB Josh Allen returns to action this weekend, hopefully, and, if he does, the miserable Bills could win against the Jets.  Depends on which Sam Darnold shows up. 

  aaaaAAAAAAnd THAT's the View from the Basement!!!!

Doormat Division: WEEK 9 WRAP-UP- THE UNDERDOGS

THE UNDERDOGS

Or maybe that's 'Undercats'

Not a single Vegas underdog in the Doormat Division won this week.  On pure Vegas odds, the Saints and Steelers were underdog victors.  Neither of those teams count as 'underdogs' in the true sense of the term. Nobody else even covered the point spread.

All of our underdogs, toiling under the radar and laughed at by the rest of the league's fans, have long odds of pulling off a victory against a towering foe at any time.  As the season goes on, those odds get longer, until the final week, when some teams mail it in from the golf course.

Instead, we warm the cold coffee on the outdoor grill, make the guys some hot dogs, and...after that repast, they gotta stay out on the patio.  Powered by Vitamin F, we'll tune them in again, because....just maybe.


DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 9

NFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

NY Giants     1-7         150     205       -55
Santa Clara    2-7         207     239       -32
Arizona         2-6         110     199        -89
Tampa Bay    3-5         229     275       -46

Detroit           3-5         180     210       -30

    

AFC            W-L        PF        PA      DIFF

Oakland        1-7         141       252      -111
Buffalo          2-7         96        241      -145
Cleveland      2-6-1     190       247      -57
Denver          3-6         205       213      -8
NY Jets         3-6         198      213      -15
Jacksonville  3-5         134      170      -36


BILLS 9, CHICAGO 41
This weekend's biggest underdog (+10), Buffalo presented their fans with a performance that not only covered the point spread like 4 feet of yellow snow, lengthened winter, and threw into question the term 'rebuilding', they also made a unique box score.  81 plays to the Bears 46.  22 first downs to the Bears' 11. 10 more minutes in time of possession. The Bears got only 190 yards of offense, went 3 for 11 on 3rd down, had 14 penalties for 129 yards, yet won by 32 points. How it was done: The Bears never started a scoring drive (save one FG) in their own territory. They never needed more than 1 first down to get in the end zone or kick a FG.  The variety of setup was impressive, with the Bills giving up a fumble-six and pick-six,  two more interceptions deep in their own territory, personal fouls on punts (moving the ball into their own territory), a long punt return, and...10 penalties for 163 yards.  How you average more than 15 yards per penalty is a little hard to even grasp.

Somehow, the Bills beat the Vikings in week 2. It's still this seasons' biggest upset. Rookie QB Josh Allen, who is not Drew Brees but isn't a total stiff either, has returned to practice after a nasty elbow tweak in week 6.  Lord GOD does Buffalo need him. In his absence, interception machine Nathan Peterman and antique life form Derek Anderson have obstructed the position, with the ominous presence of recently unemployed Matt Barkley filling a Bills uniform on the sideline.  Laugh all you want, but Peterman, who threw 3 interceptions in 49 attempts yesterday, actually improved his interception rate, which was 1 in every 8 attempts before yesterday (that would have been 6 yesterday if ratios had held).

The city of Buffalo prays for your health, Josh. And get the hell back on the field. Maybe this underdog can win a game yet. Without him, they're hands down the worst team in the NFL (sorry Raiders). The Jets (11/11 and 12/9), the Jags (11/25) and the Lions (12/16) present the opportunity. In fact, next week's Jets game will present the best opportunity for an 'upset' in the entire week 9 schedule. When it's two Doormat teams with excellent chances of losing 10, you may not feel like counting it, but- if you're a Bills fan, you sure as hell are.

LIONS 9, VIKINGS 24
The Kittens got Purpled Peopled yesterday, with QB Matt Stafford hitting the pretend grass 10 times, a Vikings record.  The 60's-70's Purple People Eaters got 9 sacks three times.

Now that we're in the past, let's observe our Kat Box regulars from a bird's eye view: In the 60 seasons since their last championship (1957), the Lions have had 20 winning seasons, a .333 batting average for stress relief for Lions fans.  Of those 20 winning seasons, 10 were 'winning' by only one victory. Just like to get any respect for losing, you really gotta get 2 games over .500 to look good (in losing, two games under .500).  Otherwise, the flab shows.

Stafford likes to throw long, but the Lions never seem to achieve offensive balance.  They'll have a great running back, and no passing game. Now they have a passing game and no running game. They averaged 2.8 yards per run yesterday. The Kittens have been Underdogs for so long, despite the last two years of winning (ahem, 9-7), they look every bit like they are going to slide back to 10 losses this year.

Still, despite this ominous scenario, I give the Lions the better chance to stage an upset in the remaining games than most everybody else in the Basement. The schedule is BRUTAL, though.  The Bears, Panthers, Bears, Rams, Cards, Bills, Vikings, Packers. They will be underdogs in six of those games. Just because it's the Bears, I give them a shot in that one.  Elsewhere,  Panthers and Packers are possible. If they lose to the Cards or Bills, somebody gets fired.

RAIDERS 3, 49ERS 34
We covered this on Friday, but just a revisit to say: the Raiders are the most embarrassing team in the NFL, and it isn't even close, which they clarified so well for us on TNF. The Bills and Cards, as bad as they are, would improve dramatically if they had a decent QB. Also, they are trying. The Raiders are emptying the barn so they don't have to pack so much for Vegas. The Giants come close, but not in the complete tanking stink pile of the Raiders.  Right now, I can't see the Raiders pulling off any kind of upset.  The 49ers, with everybody's new favorite QB, Nick Mullens, have a shot if they can look half as good as they did against the Charrrraiders.
The Niners chances are:  Bucs (will probably not be favored), Seahawks (the home game), Broncos.

NEW YORK GIANTS (1-7)
The Giants, 1-7 and atop the Doormat Division NFC, have a shot at an 'upset' next Monday, against the 49ers, in Santa Clara, the city that isn't San Francisco.  Not a likely victory, as Nick Mullens will most likely ride the wave for one more game before reality slams him in the face mask.

Any other shots at an upset for Gnats?  It's seriously grim, NY fans, because your Giants are a serious underdog.  BUT, you're going to be underdogs in every single game from now on.  Games you can win: Redskins, Titans, Cowboys.  Titans, particularly.   The Colts- maybe.  Let's see who is taking snaps for them come that fateful day.

BROWNS 21, CHIEFS 37
The loss margins are widening for the Brownies. But, they've lost multiple games by a final play or just a few points.  The Browns have just GOT to score an upset here, somewhere.  They have two already, the Jets (not counting that), and the Ravens (count it).  They can't beat the Falcons next week.  But they've got a legitimate shot at every game left after that.  Bengals, Texans, Panthers (ok maybe not), Broncos, Bengals, Ravens.  Beating the Panthers or Bengals would be a true upset.
Go Brownouts.  Go Blank Helmets.  Get over the damn hump.  They're still going to lose 10 games, yet again.  At least knock over a Goliath.

JAGS (3-5) AND BUCS (3-5)
Both of these squads started out OK, but have bumblingly stumbled into our basement, and landed on the duct tape couch with a resounding thud.  Jags, in particular, look like they could just lose every game from now to the end of time.  If they aren't all sporting losing records by the time the games happen, the Jags could upset the Titans or Dolphins. Any team that sports any kind of offense where 2 touchdowns could somehow get scored, count out the Jags from a victory.

If the Bucs are going to get an upset, it's the Ravens or Cowboys (IF either of those are still favorites by game time).  Outside of that...Redskins next week.

CARDINALS (2-6)
It's looking so desolate out there in the desert, the scirocco howling through the chaparral, with not even an Arby's in sight. Upset? 12/9 at home vs. the Lions. Will they be underdogs to the Raiders?  That doesn't count!  Final game vs. the Seahawks, esp if Seahawks are out of the hunt, and throw in the towel.

BRONCOS 17, TEXANS 19
Missing not once but twice on field goals that would have won the game, the Broncos (3-6) are moving into Doormat territory with some style. Things are crumbling in the mile-high stadium, and I don't mean the pot cookies. Who can they beat that they shouldn't?  WHO CAN THEY BEAT?
Upset potential:  the Chargers should eat them alive- wow it's hard to type that- but you never know with Charger QB Philip Rivers, he could have a throw-back game with 4 interceptions. But, he's just not doing that this year. I'd say the Bengals on 12/2.  There.  Maybe the Steelers 11/25.  Steelers can put up a stinker, but as the year goes on, they usually play better. All the other games, Broncos, right now, would be favored (Browns, 49ers, Raiders).

JETS 6,  DOLPHINS 13
Yesterday's soccer game-like  STIFF OF THE WEEK, where failure is the constant, and small victories must be celebrated (did you see that fabulous hand-off?), the only TD was a Fin's interception return. The Sam Darnold era includes games like this: 4 interceptions (with the pick-six game winner). The Fins only got 7 first downs, punted nine times and WON the contest of flail.  Games like this should be played with no face masks, on a mud field, with groundskeepers visibly hosing down the 5 yard-lines. Anything to make it interesting.

The Jets are SO up and down...but mostly down lately, with 3 straight losses. They get the Bills next week, with Josh Rosen back at QB.  Watch out Jets, Bills might just notch their upset.  Who can the Jets knock off, who isn't expecting it?  The Texans- a score fest.  The Titans, though Titans would be, like, a 1 point favorite in that Stiff.  17 punts in that scary place.

OKAY  UNDERDOGS OF THE BASEMENT,

aaaaAAAAaaAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION: RAIDERS PLAY PERFECT GAME

RAIDERS 3, 49ERS 34

First things first.  The Raiders definitely need a new name.  Faders? Puddingbutts? The Hole Diggers? The Quitinskies? Silver and Blacked Out is an old chestnut.

Whatever you want to call them, the Raiders hit absolute bottom last night at Levi's Stadium like a smelly pair of jeans at the bottom of a laundry pile that nobody has gotten to in months.

It was hapless perfection:

1.  Score a field goal on the first possession, and then clank one off the upright on the last one.  Do
nothing in between.  The Faders usually collapse in the 2nd half. This time they went for early in    the 1st quarter.
2.  Leave 49er receivers so wide open that commentators don't have a term for this.  49er QB Nick Mullens had choices on plays of which solitary receiver to throw to. How do you even GET that confused on defense?  What kind of practice drills do you run to make that happen??
3.  The Hole Diggers placed drive killing penalties so expertly, they were rotating who they were benching.  They don't have a doghouse big enough for them, unless you count Las Vegas.
4.  Have only 10 guys on the field at least twice, and nobody even bothered to flag them.
5.  Make Mullens' NFL debut look like fellow Southern Miss alum Brett Favre on a really good day.  I was ready to buy a number 4 Niner Jersey by halftime.
6.  Camera shots of owner Mark Davis, who looks uncannily like a Bog Man that has been rehydrated.  That hideous bowl cut hairdo?  He drives 400 miles in his tricked out mini-van (complete with a VHS player) to Palm Springs to get that cut.  I am not kidding.
7. I didn't know you could mail it in on this kind level. That's more postage than the P.O. has in stock.

 And all on Prime Time, with coach Gruden stretching his face into 47 contortions in an attempt to find the right squint that would make it all go away. He needs a MUCH bigger hat.

The hard part, here, is figuring out if the team has quit on Gruden, or QB Derek Carr, or on the whole franchise. Did you catch those motivational speeches by Carr and Mullens before the game?  Ominous tones for Raiders fans, to say the least.  Mullens, who'd never started an NFL game, sounded like he had his guys rallied around him like they were playing for the NFC championship, while Carr's guys sounded like non-commital members at a fundraiser where the leader keeps having to grab people by the arm and make leading statements to get just some kind of positive response.  "Hey I'm there for you!!"  Okay, boss, whatever you say, can I go back to the donut tray now?

Now, the 49ers just may have boiled their Moldy Carpet chances with putting somebody smart at QB (no offense C.J., you are one tough hombre), and next week the Giants come to town, so Mullens may not see an actual NFL team for two more weeks.  Oh HA. The Giants can't match the Raiders pudding defense. Yes, they're 1-7, and are on the ominous bye week that all losing teams come out of like they're on quaaludes, but they will put up fight.  49er fans, suddenly, can't wait for next Monday!  Let's blow out another Doormat.  Never mind that you are still one of them.   

The Raiders gave the 49ers NO chance to lose this game. They gave the 49ers SEVEN sacks.  The 49ers can't sack a bag of groceries.

For 49er fans, and their 10,000 ghost buddies in the empty expensive red seats, what a relief.  It's been grim.  Last night was like some hilarious gift that just kept on giving- the running game looked incredible.  Sadly, Raheem Mostert, who was having the time of his life out there, broke his arm on a gruesome play, a freak accident where just landing on the turf broke it.

So, THANK YOU, Raydurz, for supplying solace to a suffering franchise.  It's really the only thing you can do, and you have to do it for 7 more times this season.  Start licking those stamps!

aaaAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!

NFL Predictions Week IX: Who's the Worst?

The last time the Browns narrowly missed the Super Bowl was in their close loss to the Broncos in 1990 thanks to a key fumble late in the game. Denver got over the win. The 49ers handed Elway and the Broncos the biggest (at that time) Super Bowl  blowout in history. Broncos, BTW, have the three biggest face plant performances in the Super Bowl.

First week of the season with an “X,” and that makes me think of ex-champs...

Playoff Misery History

LIONS
All-Time Playoffs: 20 Games, 7-13
Wild Card Round: 9 Games, 0-9
Divisional Round: 5 Games, 3-2
Conference Championship: 1 Games, 0-1
Championship (pre-1966): 5 Games, 4-1

BROWNS
All-Time Playoffs: 36 Games, 16-20
Wild Card Round: 4 Games, 1-3
Divisional Round: 14 Games, 7-7
Conference Championship: 5 Games, 0-5
Championship (pre-1966): 13 Games, 8-5

BILLS
All-Time Playoffs: 30 Games, 14-16
Wild Card Round: 7 Games, 3-4
Divisional Round: 11 Games, 5-6
Conference Championship: 6 Games, 4-2
Super Bowl: 4 Games, 0-4
Championship (pre-1966): 2 Games, 2-0

Who is the worst?

All of us here in the basement debated this deep metabro question over a nice afternoon on the patio grilling Tater Tots and Polish sausage. Sausage was served on a bed of crumbled pretzels and sauerkraut. Actually, it was cole slaw but it kinda got left out for a while. It tasted good, and the vodka—we were sure—killed anything it chased.

But to the debate. The Lions have the worst overall playoff record, but Cleveland, all agreed, was the Patriots of the 40s and 50s, so their fall is great and the 0-5 AFC Conference Championship record...well, the pain is much greater. Just ask anyone at the Clark Bar in Cleveland.

BTW, going by the TRKY stat, the Oracle had 85 percent accuracy in predicting last week’s games. This week our top six Doormats in the league are:
Cardinals (-9.5); Bills (-9.1); Raiders (-8.1); Dolphins (-7.1); 49ers (-6.9) and NYG (-4.4). For a little perspective, the Chiefs are +12.6.

And now for this week’s predictions. Just picked up a frozen turkey at the Piggly Wiggly for a all new spin on the games: the Turkey says:

Raiders-17
49ers- 21
(Doormat Game of the Season! These two teams have put together some impressive and unexpected losing and are now meeting in Santa Clara in a blistering battle for the bottom.)

Bears- 24
Bills- 10

Chiefs- 42
Browns- 23

Jets- 24
Dolphins- 21

Lions- 15
Vikings- 28

Buccaneers- 36
Panthers- 28

Titans- 17
Cowboys- 21

Packers- 28
Patriots- 33
(OK, this is not a doormat game, but the 3-3-1 Pack are teetering at the top step to the cellar. They may be an official doormat if they don’t win this one. Unfortunately, the Turkey says they won’t)

The Oracle has spoken!