WEEK 10 WRAP-UP: UPSET WEEKEND!!!

Or, Popcorn Bowl-Toss Weekend!

YOWEEEEE!!!!

BEATING THE ODDS

The Basement was rockin' yesterday, Doormat Denizens! The Bills, the Redskins, the Cowboys, the TITANS, and the Browns all beat the odds and outright won their games. An incredible weekend of upsets and defying the point spread.  Even the Cardinals beat the spread (well, 16 1/2 points is a little ridiculous).  Thankfully, a few teams- the Bucs, the Raiders and the Lions-  brought home the Bacon of Embarrassment and kept the Moldy Carpet dream alive.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 10

NFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

NY Giants     1-7         150     205       -55
Santa Clara    2-7         207     239       -32
Arizona         2-7         124     225       -101
Tampa Bay    3-6         232     291       -59

Detroit           3-6         202    244        -42

    

AFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland        1-8         147      272       -125
NY Jets         3-7         208      254       -46     
Jacksonville  3-7         134      170      -36
Buffalo          3-7        137     251       -114
Cleveland      3-6-1     218      263       -45
Denver          3-6         205      213      -8

BILLS 41, JETS 10
Okay, so it was the Jets, and without Sam Darnold.  7 points was a GAUDY amount to be favored by, but nobody saw this coming.  Bills QB Matt Barkley last won a game when QB'ing for Chicago, in a snowstorm, against the 49ers, two years ago.  It appeared to be the only conditions under which he could win a game. Not so!

The Bills just pulverized the Jets, converting 2 turnovers into points, racked up 451 yards of total offense, scored nearly HALF the points they'd scored all season, and just mowed the lawn with the Jets. Does it matter that the Jets were only one game better in the standings?  Not in Buffalo!  In fact, all the better because the Bills are not even in last place in the AFC East anymore. Woo-Hoo! 

Does that feel good, Buffalo?  Huh?  Does it?  The Bills get the Reeling Jaguars next week at home.  Get out to the stadium, you long-suffering fans, and scream your heads off.  Maybe it'll even snow for Mr. Barkley.

TITANS 34, PATRIOTS 10
The Titans didn't just win this game. They demolished the Pats.  Oh MY does this feel good.  We were cheering so loud the tattered Titanics wallpaper peeled off the walls!! There is no better upset than beating the Patriots, and our Titanics were underdogs by 6 1/2.  No Tom Terrific 4th quarter, baby.  No points at all in the second half for the Patsies. New England's lack of a running game turned into a 40-yard TOTAL LACK of a running game. The Titans defense just put the screws on them and QB Marcus Mariota and a balanced running attack looked like a playoff team yesterday.  Maybe it's just one week.  But Nashville and all of Tennessee will take it.  5-4 and on the plus side of the NFL.  Get off our patio!

BROWNS 28, FALCONS 16
Blank Helmet football hasn't been this fun since Brian Sipe or Bernie Kosar was dropping back and threading the needle and making Browns fans hearts stop. The Browns finally win big at home for the first time since the Harding administration (or week 13 of the 2015 season against a completely demoralized 49er team that finished 5-11). This was different. The Browns beat a team that had been averaging 25.5 points a game and had won 4 straight. And they looked flat-out exciting doing it. Browns fans witnessed a 92-yard run for a touchdown, which had to be explained to them was an actual legal NFL play by the helpful stadium ushers in the orange parkas with the pamphlets.

Brownie Baker Mayfield looked stellar...can I really say that about a Brown's QB?  Somebody ask an usher. 3 TD passes, fabulous mobility extending plays. If they'd just use a darker tone of brown on the unis, we'd be in business.  But I'm quibbling.  Throw the popcorn a little higher, Browns fans.  Good GOD that took a long time to happen.  The best 3-6-1 team in the NFL, ladies and gents.

COWBOYS 27, EAGLES 20
It's not my idea of fun to report that the Cowboys pulled off an upset, but you gotta be honest to have any credibility around here. Otherwise, I'd have to move into the broom closet with the Commodore 64 (our fabulous nerve center of the Doormat Division!) be warmed by the battered space heater, and live on scraps from the neighbor's garbage grilled on the rusted Weber BBQ out on the patio.  Are we done here?  The Eagles are not last year's Eagles, and the Cowboys shouldn't have been 7 1/2 underdogs, but underdogs they were, and about to get their coach fired.  So, a one-week reprieve for America's 2nd most tiresome team (sorry, Dallas, New England wins that one).

THE BACON OF EMBARRASSMENT

Somebody has to bring it home.  And we've still got dysfunction programmed on NFL Sunday.
Let's start with the bottom of the pit:

RAIDERS 6, CHARGERS 20
The Charrrrraiders are the creme' de la creme' of the Doormat Division.  Drive to the 1 yard line and don't score.  Commit neutral zone infractions multiple times to turn 3rd and 6 into 3rd and 1 for the Chargers.  When the Raiders got a turnover yesterday, we had to rewind it and watch it 4 or 5 times before we could understand that this had actually happened.  It's like spotting a Dodo bird.

Oh..just top to bottom.  A demoralized roster with a coach talking about being tough for building to future creating a vision of dysfunction that any fan can smell from a mile off, and see when Derek Carr bails and grounds a pass on 4th down to...wait why would you do that?  Because there's just no point. The end zone is closed for the rest of the season, Raider Nation. Just stay in the parking lot next game. You've got a better seat. 

A helpful graphic came up on the TV yesterday about the Raider 'defense':

Yards allowed:               27th (ranking)
3rd down conversions:  30th
Points allowed:             31st
Takeaways:                   31st
Rush yards allowed      LAST
Sacks                            LAST
6.8 yards allowed per play- highest in the Super Bowl era.

Let us close the crypt for now, and not view the offense's stats.  It's just too grisly for a Monday morning.

BUCS 3,  REDSKINS 16
Hold the other team to 15 first downs, rack up 501 yards of offense...and only score a field goal.
WOW.  The Redskins get to register an UPSET with this impressive effort from the Bucs, with implosionary magician Ryan Fitzpatrick dealing from the Bucs backfield.  A master of red zone disaster,  Fitz threw an INT at the Washington 7 and dealt a fumble at the 2, threw in a fumble just outside the red zone, and ...isn't that enough?  What else do you want from this man?  More beard?
The Bucs are the most bizarre 3-6 team in the league.

CARDINALS 14, CHIEFS 28
The Cardinals don't have the 49ers on their schedule for any more games.  Rookie QB Josh Rosen has a lot of learning to do.  Should go 2-14 and Moldy Carpet contender.  The most boring team in the league.

LIONS 22, BEARS 34
The Kittens have returned to the fold in the Basement.  We have set up a cat box over by the possum's area, with the possum willing to persevere through the imposition for now.  3-6 and fading fast, the Lions have tough games to lose when they have the Cardinals and the Bills in consecutive weeks 12/9 and 12/16.  Otherwise, they can run the table.

BENGALS 14, SAINTS 51
Astonishingly the bigger blowout of the weekend, topping the 52-21 PITT-CAR margin.  Yes, the Bungles have a winning record, but they almost got under the 20-minute time of possession (20:14) a feat accomplished usually only once a year, and has not been attained yet this season. 

TONIGHT'S MARQUEE MATCHUP:

GIANTS (1-7) at 49ers  (2-7)
Huge game in the City That Is Not San Francisco tonight.  Should settle the bragging rights in the NFC for at least 1 week. 

OKAY!  We still have our Moldy Carpet contenders, but HOORAY for the UNDERDOG this week!
The sun is shining a little brighter today, even from behind a massive cloud bank.

aaaAAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

FINAL WEEK 2 STANDINGS and daBARES!

FINAL WEEK 2 STANDINGS

We're only listing teams with NO wins, until the levee breaks.

SEAHAGS 17,  daBARES  24,

Nothing like a killer pick six out by the sidelines to wrap up a game! Seahags appear to have what it takes for a losing record, but can they lose 10?  Bears DE Kahlil Mack harasses Seattle QB Russel Wilson all day, and for some reason the Raiders have no pass rush at all.  So strange.  Raiders coach Gruden said yesterday that 'players have to step up.'  If they step up anymore, they'll be offsides. As bad as the Bears may ultimately be, this game was a crucial Doormat contest.  The Seahags won.


DOORMAT DIVISION
WEEK 2 

NFC            W-L        PF       PA      DIFF

Arizona        0-2           6         58       -52
Detroit          0-2          44       78       -34
Giants          0-2           28       40       -12

Seattle          0-2           41      51        -10

    

AFC            W-L        PF        PA      DIFF

Buffalo         0-2          23         78       -55

Oakland        0-2          32         53       -21
Houston        0-2          37        47       -10
Cleveland     0-1-1       39        42       -3
Pittsburgh     0-1-1       58        63       -5


aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!

-wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 2 WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 2
Playing by the Cardinal Rules!!

Another week of bumbling football is in the books, Doormat Denizens, and some clarity has been achieved.  Our two favorites for NFC and AFC champs, after only two weeks, are: the Arizona Cardinals and the Biffalo Buffs! Both teams already have point differentials over -50, and we don't see why, in at least the case of the Cards, that they can't get to -100 by week 5. Both teams are Puntastic, and should have their defenses gassed by the middle of the 2nd quarter in most games.

Let's take a look at the standings:

DOORMAT DIVISION
WEEK 2 

NFC            W-L        PF       PA      DIFF

Arizona        0-2           6         58       -52
Detroit          0-2          44       78       -34
Giants          0-2           28       40       -12

Chicago        0-1          23       24        -1     

Seattle          0-1           24      27        -3

    

AFC            W-L        PF        PA      DIFF

Buffalo         0-2          23         78       -55

Oakland        0-2          32         53       -21
Houston        0-2          37        47       -10
Cleveland     0-1-1       39        42       -3
Pittsburgh     0-1-1       58        63       -5

The Bears and the Seahags face off tonight, so, barring a third tie in the season already, one of those teams will be saddled with a win.

THE GAMES

CARDINALS 0,  ANYBODY ELSE 34
Ok, so it was the Rams yesterday.  But you can throw anybody out on that field against the Crudinals, and they're going to look like Super Bowl contenders. 5 first downs and 137 total yards for the Cruds. 8 punts! And a defense that allowed 8-15 3rd down conversions for the Rams. Total team effort.

RrrrrrrAIDERS 19, BRONCOS 20
0-2 and looking like this year's FADERS, Oakland pulls off another face-plant, this time by getting the Broncos into position for the winning FG with loose change left on the clock.  If they can lose to the Dolphins next week, look out.

Fun fact: 88% of teams that lose their first two games do not make the playoffs.  Time to set new goals!

LIONS 27,  49ERS 30,
Looks like someone ran that stat by the Lions just a little too late yesterday.  The Kitties sport sabotage at almost every position, and their timing of various gaffes makes a Mission:Impossible script look plausible.  SF QB Jimmy Garoppolo tried to throw the game-killer pick-six (well, first down at the 6) late in the 4th, but the Lions delivered a pointless defensive hold to blot that baby out.

BILLS 20, CHARGERS 31
Not even the Chargers can do a collapse, or a tank, or a futile comeback against the formidable Nils.
0-2 and rolling.  Next shellacking @ Vikings.

BUCS 27,  EAGLES  21
Ryan Fitzpatrick (144.4 rating) and the Bucs are supposed to be 0-2 right about now.  OOPS!

BROWNIES 18,  SAINTS 21
Browns Kicker Zane "Waivers" Gonzalez missed two field goals (one at the very end for the tie) and two extra points.  Someone had to step up and plant a foot, or the Browns would have won this game.
Brownouts will have a new kicker by next week, so they'll have to find another way to lose against the Jets.  Do they serve "Underdogs" at the concessions in Cleveland?  Definitely comes with no mustard.

WASHINGTONS 9,  COLTS 21
Alex Smith or not, keep an eye on the Washingtons.  There's a lot of losing to do in this league, and someone has to be man enough to accept the challenge.

JETS 12,  DOLPHINS 20
Remember Ryan Tannehill?  The Jets sure remember him now.  Jets QB Sam Darnold comes down to earth with two INTs.  Jets fumbled 4 times, though losing only one.  Gotta work on that.  Fumble harder!  Dolphins 2-0 and early exiters from the Basement.  But...let's just wait and see.

PATS 20, JAGUARS 31
The Jags scoring 31 points is enough to get anybody concerned for their health.  If Tom Brady gets an owie and misses 5-6 games, the Pats could lose 10.

TEXANS 17, TITANS 20
How bad are the Texans?  Blaine Gabbert WON a game as Titans QB.   Texans defense figured he'd just FALL OVER on his own, that shoelaces thing, so they kept the QB hits down to a manageable 2.  Less bruises to treat after the game.  Get to your car quicker.

VIKINGS 29, PACKERS 29 (OT)
With TWO ties already in two weeks, this is looking like the Year of the Parity Division.  Look for 8-7-1 and 7-8-1 in your team's future.

GIANTS 13, COWBOYS 20
Giants 0-2 and huge game against the Texans next week.  We'll know what's what after those gridiron heroics.

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS
Bears are FAVORED to win this game, which is....uh....Seahags just might be elbowing their way into the basement REAL SOON.

aaaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

Doormat Division Week 12: Raideration

Can the Raiders go 0-16?  Will the Bucs and Raiders meet in Doormat Bowl V?  Will this be "Gruden Bowl II"?  Will the 'Curse of Chucky' be lifted?

 Ever since the Raiders lost to Jon Gruden and the Bucs in the Super Bowl 11 years ago, they've been the worst team in the NFL.  It's called the Curse of Chucky.  Gruden was fired as Raiders coach the previous year, the Bucs were calling out the Raiders plays before they ran them, and the Karma was a bitch.  Nothing less than a Doormat Bowl with attendant voodoo is going to change anything. 

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION 
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     2-8               194       279      -85 

NY Giants      3-7                205      263      -58

Washington    3-7                204      256      -52   

Carolina         3-7-1              215     300      -85

Minnesota      4-6                181      220      -39

AFC                              

Oakland          0-10              152      265      - 113

Jacksonville    1-9                158      282      -110

NY Jets           2-8                174      265      -91

Tennessee       2-8                168      250      -82

Buffalo           5-5                200      204       -4

 THE GAMES

KC at RAIDERS

Believe it or donut, this is the Raider's most dangerous game, wherein they could end up with a victory.  The Chiefs just won an emotional game vs. the Seahags, it's a short week, and next week they've got Denver. 

This game is it.  The team, as bad as they are, are playing hard.  KC-RAIDER games never have any relation to the standings, even if the current players could care less about the long-storied violent rivalry.  The fans care, and The Black Hole, a night game at Oakland Coliseum, will be rocking.  Turn up Al Davis' eternal flame to high, oh Silver and Blacked Out, your fearless leader is watching from the crypt at the Chapel of the Chimes (an extremely interesting place in Oakland, CA).   

EDGE TO LOSE:  CHIEFS!!!

BUCCANEERS at BEARS

Rainy and about 50º is the game-time weather prediction, so it won't be the meat locker we were hoping for, but the Bucs will still lose this game.  Both teams just won a game, so the violent struggle to be worse than the opponent will be spectacular.  Bucs far more experienced at not having winning streaks.

EDGE TO LOSE:  BUCS

TITANS at EAGLES 

Philly needs to get well on somebody, and the Titanics are in town. That's convenient. 

EDGE TO LOSE:  TITANS

BROWNS at FALCONS

Tough call.  Browns looked so truly back to the Basement last week, that it's hard to deny them another loss.  Falcons have a real quarterback...they just don't have anything else.  Atlanta crowds really know how to bring the apathy.

EDGE TO LOSE:  FALCONS

PACKERS at VIKINGS

The high TODAY will be 18º.  Should be raining and about 39º at game time Sunday, so not the freezer bowl we hoped for.  This will make it really rain footballs.  If the Packers don't win by 30 points, they will win by 40.

EDGE TO LOSE:  VIKINGS

JETS at BUFFALO

Can they find the stadium?  Is there a city under all that snow?  

EDGE TO LOSE:  JETS

RAMS at CHARGERS

Uh-oh.  Chargers gave up playing serious football weeks ago.  The Rams are in real danger of winning two in a row.  So far, they have followed up every big upset with a stinker.  Not this time.  They're losing touch with the Basement.

EDGE TO LOSE:  CHARGERS

JAGUARS at COLTS

It's trounce or be trounced for Indy.  The last four weeks, with alternating Wins and losses:  27-0, 51-34, 40-24, 42-20.   The Gags trot out the interception leader, Blake Bortles, and that's the deal breaker. Indy gets to do the trouncing.

EDGE to LOSE:  JAGUARS

SUNBURNS vs 49ers

The 49ers keep trying to help teams lose.  This time they get it right.  The Redskins employ some wild blitzing schemes, and generally the 49ers front 4 can't even stop a 3-man pass rush.  Give the Skins a pick-six and see what happens.

EDGE TO LOSE:  49ers.

enjoy your weekend with a shovel up in the Northeast.  The rest of us here in Oakland have to build the  Chucky Burning Man Effigy tower.  Al Davis' eternal flame will light it.  See you tonight in the Black Hole.

R.I.P. Al Davis 1929-2011

Al Davis, the man you hated to love and loved to hate, is gone. We eased off on the criticism of Al this season, because it was obvious he wasn't long for this world. And, yes, at times we have openly stated that the good people of Raider Nation were just waiting and watching for when Al would pass on and release his increasingly ineffective stranglehold on the team.

But let's not forget what that stranglehold brought. 3 Championships and some of the most fun football to watch ever. And some of the most colorful teams, and some of the dirtiest hardest fighting teams you will ever witness. The Raider glory days are the 60s-70s-80s. My all time favorite NFL season for any team was the 1980 Raiders when Jim Plunkett, the most underdog of underdog quarterbacks at that point in his seemingly failed career, took over at QB in the preseason for the injured Dan Pastorini, and promptly started throwing bomb after bomb down the field, seemingly always for a touchdown, and always leading to victory. They won the 1981 Super Bowl, and just to prove it wasn't some fluke, did it again in '83.

Of course, by that time, 1983, they had moved to LA, and it is needless to say on how many levels that pissed off anyone who lived in the Bay Area (for you outsiders, that's Oakland, San Francisco, Marin, Sonoma, San Jose and anything near SF Bay). At that point, we all hated Al. With a passion. I can't express how deep the resentment went.

Things slowly went downhill after Raiders won that Super Bowl, and even after they returned to Oakland, Al Davis was no longer viewed as the smart maverick who could take any motley crew of cast-offs and mold them into winners. The fans did not fill the stadium, except for a Broncos game, and so the home team was blacked out for the entire season for years. It was like they had never come home. He was viewed as a reclusive, paranoid, litigating, aging crank who was losing his ability to judge talent and who fired his coach every year. That changed when he hired Jon Gruden as coach. Then, as expected, he and Gruden fought. And fought some more. Then Al did the crazy thing. After TRADING Jon Gruden to the Tampa Bay Bucs, a trade absolutely nobody wanted except Al (and Gruden ultimately), the Raiders made it to the 2003 Super Bowl- incredibly against Gruden's Bucs, and got trampled. Humiliated might be the word.

It wasn't pretty. What followed was 8 years of the worst football the Silver and Black have ever witnessed. Nobody was good enough for Al, and almost all of his personnel decisions turned out bad (or seemed to). The poster boy for the deteriorating situation was JaMarcus Russell, the purple drank swilling mega-bust from LSU. The Doormat Division got started because of the Raider's completely disassembled franchise. The Detroit Lions may have been the marquee losers of the era, but actually the Raiders were worse in every aspect of the game.

Amazingly, the Raiders have rebounded out of that absolute pit, and are at least respectable again, and I am glad they did it before Al checked out. Also, a number of his draft picks that people sneered at are suddenly looking pretty good. As ever, they have the fastest team in the league. They have the best running back in the league. Their new coach, Hue Jackson, actually seems like a good coach. Al was at the game last week, a rare sighting lately.

And, of course, now that Al is gone, NOW WHAT? We wanted him to leave, now he's gone. The Raiders have a game today, in Houston. You know what Al would say to them, before hitting the field.

He may have not been his old self anymore, but no one replaces Al Davis. He was one of a kind, and one of the greatest football minds of all time. We're gonna miss him.