WEEK SEVEN WRAP-UP DISPOSAL IN A HAZMAT SUIT

0-7 AND PROUD OF IT

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK SEVEN

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA     DIF

SANTA CLARA         0-7           123      186    -63

NY GIANTS               1-6           112      156    -44

TAMPA BAY              2-4           145      151    -6

CHICAGO                 3-4            122     151     -29

ARIZONA                  3-4            119     191    -72

AFC

                                  W-L         PF       PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-7          103      169    -66
INDIANAPOLIS         2-5          119      222    -103

CINCINNATI              2-4           98       112     -14

BALTIMORE             3-4           130     148     -18

NY JETS                   3-4            37      161     -24

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

49ERS 10, COWBOYS 40

On a beautiful day for getting shellacked on your home field, the Red and Gold finally put together a complete game and stayed even with Cleveland at 0-7. Fumbled punts, failed 4th down attempts, followed up with 72 yard TDs the other way, 5 sacks, a field goal early, shut it down until a touchdown late, wow...None of this 'almost' winning yesterday, they just flat out got whipped. Now, we don't usually single out too many players (except QBs, it's their job), as Doormat excellence is a true team effort. BUT- one of the brightest Doormat stars of this outfit is #33, DB Rashard Robinson- The Human Penalty Machine. This guy can extend any drive for any team, and usually on third down in his own territory. Just tee up your best receiver, the Whiners will comply with single coverage (they gave up communicating weeks ago, anyway), and Rashard will be there to use said receiver as his personal pull-up bar anywhere on the field, as long as it's 5 yards beyond the line of scrimmage. To lead the league in penalties, as the Whines do, is of course a team effort, but we have to give credit where due.  

Otherwise, an offensive line that looks more like road kill, a rookie QB that tends to hold onto the ball (nice combo), and ...QB CJ Beathard (who got sacked 60 times in his last 2 years at Iowa) has a very curious way of 'avoiding' the rush, which is, apparently done by turning left or right and running right into a huge lineman.  It's new, I'll give it that.

Wow, with this new level of commitment to losing, it's only 2 more weeks and they will be the 0-fer-Niners.  

STIFF OF THE WEEK

BROWNS 9, TITANS 12  (OT)

This was, we are certain, the Game That Wouldn't End. 7 field goals, no touchdowns. And they took it all the way to 1:44 left in OT to put the Brown-out fans out of their miser- wait, that's not right. The misery is a constant in Brownie land. They are neither in or out of the misery. It does not matter if the ball is in or out of the end zone. It is of no consequence. 

The Browns DID have two drives of 10 plays that did not result in a turnover, so the suspense must have been insane. Luckily, the pressure was relieved with a field goal, and not a touchdown.

Blank Helmet Football prevailed over an inspired effort by the Titanics to hand the Pumpkin Heads their first victory and spoil a Perfect Season. The Browns worked the 2-QB tandem to perfection yesterday, with both Cody Kessler and Deshone Kizer sprinkling in interceptions when it got hypnotic with every possession ending with some kind of kick.  Browns 0-7 and look like 0-16 to us.  Don't fire Hue, don't fire Hue...

GIANTS 7, SEAHAWKS 24

The Gnats led 7-3 at halftime, got a great pep talk, made some adjustments, took a nap, and returned to the field for the second half ready to get run over.  1-6 and right on the 49ers heels.  The NFC Doormat crown is up for grabs. 177 total yards for the Flailing Giants, the team that is a living experiment in stasis.

CARDINALS 0, RAMS 33

10 first downs, 25 yards rushing, couple turnovers, 10 penalties, letting the Rams convert 13 of 19 third downs (!!!), give up 425 yards...the Crudinals may have 3 victories, but I think they can make that stand up and finish 5-11, easy. I mean, they DO have to play the Whiners next week, so even with Drew Stanton filling it at QB for Palmer, they are going to have to really tank it to lose that one.  Watch them try.

BUCCANEERS 27, BILLS 30

Good GOD, the Bills are 4-2.  Here come the Raiders, who pulled their feet out of the grill on the patio last Thursday.  Bucs are really interesting how they make futile comebacks, and then give it right back to the other team in the 4th quarter.  It's new and creative.  The fumble at their own 33 with 2:20 left in the game, tie game, handing the Bills the victory (with chip-shot FG), was brilliant.  Bucs 2-4 and looking ready to come back to the Basement.  It's scary and exhausting out there.

COLTS 0, JAGUARS 27

Colts keep their lead league in punting, racking up 7 more (not a ton, but respectable), and dialing up 10 sacks of their own QB.  Hey, when a play is working, keep running it.  Drive of the day: sack, fumble-sack, dropped pass, 4th and 23.  Punt.  Clots now 2-5, and really challenged to stay with Cleveland.  Good luck there.  

JETS 28, DOLPHINS 31

Welcome back Nyets!  Getting back under .500, and doing it against the completely improbable Dolphins, was magic. Leading 28-14, the Jets collapse against the great NFL secret weapon:  A BACKUP QUARTERBACK.  Fins QB Matt Moore replaces injured starter, and fan boo favorite, Jay Cutler (cracked rib), Jets don't pay any attention, and Moore whips two TDs out of his hat.   With the score tied 28-28, and :49 seconds left on the clock, the Jets take possession at their own 15 and smartly throw an interception on 1st down, alleviating the suspense, and lining the Flops up for a field goal even THEY can't miss. Miami now 4-2 and....is that a mirage?  By the way, neither team stopped either team in the red zone yesterday 3-3 conversion for both sides.

IMPROBABLE VICTORY OF THE YEAR

PANTHERS 3, BEARS 17

Try as they might, the Bears just could not lose this game.  Geez, you get 5 first downs, throw only 7 passes, amass 153 total yards...and you win. You just gotta shake your head and move on.  Watch the video on Monday and see what you did wrong. Here's what beat them: Pansies QB Cam Newton throws a pick-six, drops a fumble-six and engineers 4 arduous clock-eating drives that totaled 3 points (really minus-4, as one resulted in the fumble return for TD).  SORRY BEARS, you are going to have to try harder.  3-4 and getting ready for their Parity Division photo-op!

RAIDERS 31, CHIEFS 30

In a game that ended 14 times, the officials gave the Raiders one more try, and they WON.

And, just like that, the Raiders exit the Basement and are out on the patio, heating up a 'dog. And just when we'd gotten the Barcalounger adjusted just like they like it. Oh well, it's like having old lovers come around again- it just isn't the same.  Let's hope they STAY out there.  

Apologies for not writing about the Bungles.  So much ineptitude out there.

aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!

BROWNS TAKE OVER THE AFC LEAD!!!!

BLANK HELMETS 27,  CRAVENS 33

Never, ever count the Cleveland Browns out of a Doormat contest.  Pow! Blam! KaBlam!  BOOM!!

With :04 seconds left on the clock, and the game tied, the Browns commit their entire oversized line to blocking for a 51-yard field goal attempt, and completely fail with such art that the kicker shanked it hard left and caromed off the line and into Raven safety Will Hill's hands, who takes it all the way down the left sideline, with Cleveland kicker Travis Coons getting trampled in the stampede, and hits the end zone for a Kick-Six TD with no time left on the clock.  KaBLOOEY!!!

What an amazing finish, considering Baltimore QB Matt "Let me lose this for ya" Schaub had just connected on a ghastly interception at the Craven 48, setting up the Browns for the game-winning field goal try.

But NO.  Browns fans are still trying to find the will to leave the stadium, even in the freezing cold and even though they really don't ever want to come back.  They're just going freeze to death right there.  I cannot, cannot, believe the lengths the Browns go to to just flat out kill it on the football field.  The Titanics are just going to have try even less if they want to be Doormat champs this year, because the BROWNIES are livin' the Moldy Carpet.

The Cravens tried, no doubt about it.  They started Matt Schaub- two fabulous interceptions.  2-11 on 3rd down...but the Blanks had the special team double bonus-  give up a the first punt return for a TD, and end the game on a blocked FG try for a TD.  BOOKENDS of Bumble.   The Browns also buried Johnny "Coach I was drinking milk and cookies" Manziel on the depth chart and nearly blew it with backup QB Austin Davis coming in for McCown and looking better than any of them, and nearly won the game.  Luckily, he burned 30 seconds at the end of the game doing what god only knows, but he took the ball after all that time burn and slid inbounds to force a timeout and make it so the field goal had to happen NOW.   Whew- disaster avoided.  

There they are, fans of futility, our Brownies rule the roost. 2-9 and in First place in the AFC Division.

 DOORMAT EXCELLENCE!!!!

-wacko

BLANK HELMET FOOTBALL REPORT WEEK 8

BLANK HELMET FOOTBALL REPORT

They're down to their 3rd quarterback.   Brandon Weeden is 0-4 and firmly benched.  Brian Hoyer won 3 games (actually Weeden won one, but he didn't start the game), but is now out for the season.
Now what, oh Cleveland Brownies?  Into the breach steps Jason Campbell.  Remember him?  I bet you don't.

The last time the Oakland Raiders were 2 games above .500 was in 2011, at 4-2, and Jason Campbell was the starting QB (because the Jamarcus Russell purple drank flame-out was complete).  Though not flashy, Campbell seemed to have gotten his smarts into his game, and was intelligently running the offense.   Campbell then conveniently broke his collar bone, which caused the Raider front office to go completely bonkers and sign disgruntled 'all-star' QB Carson Palmer away from Cincinnati, and get the Silver and Blacked Out back to playing some atrocious football.    Palmer and Kyle Boller teamed up to throw 5 interceptions in their first game together.  It's been great ever since.

Since then, for Jason it's been the dark obscurity of 3rd string quarterback, where, in this day and age of technology you still have to hold a clipboard, and your locker is down the hall in that unused corrider full of discarded gear from the '70's.   It's even more exciting when you think you're the 2nd string guy, but when the moment comes you find out, NO, here's your clipboard and take off that blank helmet.  You're not worthy.

BUT NOT ANYMORE.   Last season, the San Diego Chargers finally got the message that Norv Turner's 'downfield' passing game is suitable for Division II college football, where you can get away with a seven-step drop and checking down through 18 receivers.  They fired his sorry rump,  and of course the Cleveland Browns immediately called him up!  Let's get that sorry rump over here and ask our QB to hold onto the ball for the absolute maximum and then, with 400 pound goons in your face, throw a perfect strike 35 yards downfield.    So,  Brandon Weeden can't deliver Norv's offense, but Philip Rivers couldn't either.

Jason Campbell, it's your turn.   I'm rooting for this guy, because the Raiders threw him so far under the bus that he ended up in the bike lane with wiry guys in snappy sweaters shaking their iPhone holders (formerly known as fists) at him.   If the Brownie line can hold off the KC line for .3 seconds, Campbell might have just long enough to notice how really really loud the crowd is.

Blank Helmet Football marches into Arrowhead,  with their Doormat Pride held high...and maybe as far away as an arm can hold it.