Browns Have Never Won the Moldy Carpet? Really?

As bad as you may think the Cleveland Browns are, and they're an experienced cellar-dwellar, no doubt about it, they have NEVER (never-ever) finished dead last in the NFL and taken home the coveted Doormat Division Moldy Carpet Trophy, pictured here:

Their only scrape with immortality occurred in 2004, when they won the AFC, going 4-12, edging out the Miami Dolphins (4-12). In the next to last week of the season, the Blank Helmets pulled out the last second loss to the Floppers as Flop kicker Olindo Mare flipped a 51-yard fump over the crossbar with :07 left on the clock.  Unfortunately, the Brownies had no chance for the Moldy glory, as the Forty-Niners went 2-12 (during the spectacular pants-dropping Mike Singletary era).  

It's not like they haven't been trying- the Browns have been parked in the AFC Central basement for 10 out of the last 13 years, sprinkling in 2 winning seasons (2002 and 2007). They have not won the  AFC Central since 1989. The '85 through '89 seasons demand special mention, as these are the last powerhouse years the Browns had, with Bernie Kosar flinging the pigskin up and down the field, taking them to Division titles 4 times in 5 seasons, and capping off three of those winning campaigns with painful losses to the Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship game. So, even when they were winning, they lost the semi-big one, and couldn't even get to the Stupor Bowl.  Ask any Vikings or Bills fan about getting close but no Cigarello. But stand back when you do.

This is their big shot, coming up right now.  The Browns must lose this weekend, finish 3-13, and finish with a worse record than, you guessed it, the San Francisco Forty-Whiners, who stand at 4-11 this morning. Don't forget the Whines lost, and lost big, to the Browns just three weeks ago, so they hold the tie-breaker. They also have to shrug off the Titanics, but the Brown-outs have the tie breaker with a vastly bigger point differential (the Browns and Titans have not played each other).  The Titanics are playing the Colts, and just might win that game, though the last-string QB parade is on full display up there in Indy- for both teams, so that one is up for grabs.

I'm pretty sure the Whiners will get buried by the Rams (and get themselves all positioned to draft 5th and get Cal QB Jared Goff in the spring), finishing off a brilliantly crafted drive to the bottom of the NFC by owner Jed York.  

But back to the Browns, who are taking no chances on the final let-down, putting QB Johnny Foosball on injured reserve with a bell-ringer of a concussion (can you drink when you have a 

head-ding?), and throwing the only QB they've got, Austin Davis, out there to get his own injuries against a highly motivated Steeler team that is desperately trying to get into the playoffs.  Playoffs?  PLAYOFFS?  

Don't talk to the Browns about playoffs. They're going to win this Moldy Carpet, hang it on the wall, and let the incense waft through the front office all off-season, and then, in the spring, when they've sniffed every last glorious spore out of that dried-out square of pride, they're going to step up to the podium at the NFL Draft, pick second, and....what do you think, Browns fans? Can they do it and cling to Johnny Manziel and eschew the obvious obvious pick in Jared Goff and, instead, go for a long snapper?  Where's that poster of Kevin Costner?

aaaaaAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!

BROWNS TAKE OVER THE AFC LEAD!!!!

BLANK HELMETS 27,  CRAVENS 33

Never, ever count the Cleveland Browns out of a Doormat contest.  Pow! Blam! KaBlam!  BOOM!!

With :04 seconds left on the clock, and the game tied, the Browns commit their entire oversized line to blocking for a 51-yard field goal attempt, and completely fail with such art that the kicker shanked it hard left and caromed off the line and into Raven safety Will Hill's hands, who takes it all the way down the left sideline, with Cleveland kicker Travis Coons getting trampled in the stampede, and hits the end zone for a Kick-Six TD with no time left on the clock.  KaBLOOEY!!!

What an amazing finish, considering Baltimore QB Matt "Let me lose this for ya" Schaub had just connected on a ghastly interception at the Craven 48, setting up the Browns for the game-winning field goal try.

But NO.  Browns fans are still trying to find the will to leave the stadium, even in the freezing cold and even though they really don't ever want to come back.  They're just going freeze to death right there.  I cannot, cannot, believe the lengths the Browns go to to just flat out kill it on the football field.  The Titanics are just going to have try even less if they want to be Doormat champs this year, because the BROWNIES are livin' the Moldy Carpet.

The Cravens tried, no doubt about it.  They started Matt Schaub- two fabulous interceptions.  2-11 on 3rd down...but the Blanks had the special team double bonus-  give up a the first punt return for a TD, and end the game on a blocked FG try for a TD.  BOOKENDS of Bumble.   The Browns also buried Johnny "Coach I was drinking milk and cookies" Manziel on the depth chart and nearly blew it with backup QB Austin Davis coming in for McCown and looking better than any of them, and nearly won the game.  Luckily, he burned 30 seconds at the end of the game doing what god only knows, but he took the ball after all that time burn and slid inbounds to force a timeout and make it so the field goal had to happen NOW.   Whew- disaster avoided.  

There they are, fans of futility, our Brownies rule the roost. 2-9 and in First place in the AFC Division.

 DOORMAT EXCELLENCE!!!!

-wacko

WEEK NINE WRAP-UP and PEE-YEW TAKE THAT OUT TO THE GARBAGE

BLANKING OUT

Cleveland, city of light...city of magic.   Cleveland, city of light, you're calling me.  Cleveland, even now I can remember, the Cuyahoga River, goes smoking through my dreams- (Randy Newman). 

You know, that's starting to sound like good times.  Could things get any worse over there in the land of NO LOGOS?  Wearing emptiness like a badge, the Cleveland Browns can now express the true Zen in losing, because, by whimpering-beer-bloated Browns Fan, they have meditated on it until their navals starting popping our little Brownie guys.

BROWNS -10, BENGALS 31

Yeah, I know that was way back on Thursday.  So sue me.  You'll get the Kaypro I'm typing on, a roll orange of duct tape, and what I think is a dog. The Browns are now 2-7, and have taken over the lead in the Doormat AFC, muscling their broad-shouldered way (you know, like broads in the '80's) to Johnny Manziel's cooler.  We just have to hope they don't fire anybody.  Stay the course. 

Next loss: The Steelers, in Pittsburgh.  

TITANS 34, SAINTS 28 (OT)

Here's a perfect example, the Titans, who blew out the Bucs in game 1 this season, and then ran off six towering failures in a row, fire their proven Doormat coach (Ken "Whizzy" Whisenhunt), and all of a sudden the front line starts blocking. Titans QB Marcus Mariota gets all day to throw (thank you, NOLA), and pulls out an overtime win.  Titans now trail Brownies by a game in the loss column- the only column that counts.

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 9

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Kittens        1-7           125 - 149
Cowboys    2-6            160 - 204 
daBares       2-5           140 - 202

Whiners      3-6           126 - 133  

Bootineers   3-5          181 - 231

Deadskins   3-5           158 - 195

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA
Browns      2-7            177 - 247

Titanics      2-6            159 - 187

Chargers     2-6           191 - 227
Gaguars      2-6            170 - 235
Cravens      2-5            190 - 214

Toxins        3-5            174 - 205 

WHINERS 17, FALCONS 16

In another example of upsetting the apple cart, the 49ers bench Colin Kampervan Beethoven and Blaine Gabbert- yes that Blaine Gabbert- steps in and...the Niners scored a touchdown for the first time since the last piece of concrete was swept up at Candlestick.  Forced to play the Atlanta Falcons, they go wild and score TWO, leaving the Whiners with nowhere to go but the victory circle.  Does beating Atlanta count as a win against a team with a winning record?

COWBOYS 27, EAGLES 33 (OT)

It took everything they had, but they brought home the bacon bits.  2-6 and owners of a 6 game losing streak, tying the longest of the season. Good God, they're only a game behind the LIONS. Moo.

WASHINGTON FATS 10, PATRIOTS 27

Nothing special, just a workman-like loss, leaving gaps, blowing a coverage, a fumble here, an interception there, wait until the game is completely out of reach before scoring a touchdown- the doormat 'moral victory,'  and then hit the after-game spread.  

BUCS 18, GIANTS 32

I'm sorry, it's not six field goals.  My hopes got pretty high, there, but NO. Three lost fumbles really helps, though, so the Bootineers still get a gold star.

TONIGHT: 

 Chicago (2-5)  vs. San Diego (2-6)

It should be sputendous. We will be serving the fritos, mayo and flat beer at 6:00.  

aaaaAAAAnd THAT'S the VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!!!

NFL WEEK 16 WRAP-UP and PLAYOFF MIRAGE

DOORMAT NFC SORTED- BUCS WIN THE NFC! BILLS OUT OF PLAYOFFS 16 YEARS AND COUNTING! BROWNS ARE BACK! NFC SOUTH BATTLE THIS WEEK! MY DOG HAS FLEAS!

PUNTING RECORD for RAIDERS! EXCLAMATION POINT! 

THE BIGGEST  FOOTBALL-LIKE THING TODAY:

BUCS win the DOORMAT NFC 

BUCCANEERS 3, PACKERS 20  

Obviously inspired by last week's Cleveland (Doormat Gods) Browns, the Tampa Bay Bootineers whip out a game of near poetry against the Packers-  6 first downs, 107 total yards (147 yards passing minus 7 sacks for 54 yards, plus 16 yards rushing).  54 yards in sacks means the QB runs backward in the face of the rush. They had more penalty yards- 30- than rushing yards.  That's a LOT of reverse gearing. They left no doubt- thanks to the Deadskins' non-loss to Philadephia- the Boots WIN the Doormat NFC with a week to spare!  In honor of this occasion, the Bucs will be wearing their throwback orange unis next week.  

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 16
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF 

x-Tampa Bay    2-13             257      387     -130

Washington     4-11              284      394     -110

Chicago          5-10              310      429     -119

NY Giants        6-9               354      366      -12

New Orleans    6-9               378      404      -26

AFC             

Tennessee        2-13            231       390    -159 

Oakland           3-12            213       381     -168 

Jacksonville     3-12            211       376     -165    

NY Jets            3-12            230       360     -130

Cleveland        7-8              276       300     -24

REDSKINKS/SUNBURNS/NATIVES 27, EAGLES 24

Benching your once-franchise quarterback for 3 weeks with a totally mediocre QB, and then putting your QB back in is not a formula for success in the Doormat- especially when Mark Sanchez is under rump for the opposition. RGB-three-p-o returns and torches the Eagles, while Sanchez continues his blaze of 14 turnovers in 7 games, and those aren't wasted turnovers, folks. Those are on-the-money game-killing turnovers. The result is the Deadskins lose out on their chance at being the worst team in the NFC, something they haven't done since...oh, that's right, LAST YEAR.

AFC LOGJAM

Despite the Tennessee Titans move into sole possession of the AFC Division in the Doormat, the Jets, Jags and Raiders still have a shot at the Moldy Carpet, and we're holding our breath until the full force of the bong hit lands in our- I mean UNTIL next week when all will be revealed...like smoke clearing from a hacking exhale.

RAIDERS 26, BUFFALO 24 

It is only fitting that the team with the second-longest playoff drought knocks the team with the longest playoff drought out of playoff contention. 16 years and counting for the the Nils, and the Raiders, of course, make it 13.*  The Silver and Blacked Out have won their last 3 home games, and who wouldn't with that crazed crowd bellerin' at the top of their lungs through 30,000 Halloween costumes and decidedly working class fervor. What a scene. The Raiders should not move. Raider QB Derek Carr looks like the real deal, and, despite still being in contention to win the Moldy Carpet, this team is playing with a lot of fire- when at home- and aren't behaving like a dysfunctional football team. They need to win next week at Denver (maybe they'll rest Peyton) and give a more deserving doormat a shot at the Moldy Carpet. Special note:  Raider punter Marquette King has 100 punts, the Raider record. He'll need 14 more to tie the NFL record, which is imposs-  let's just see what happens next week.

*see our previous post for longest playoff droughts.  None of the teams on the list will make the playoffs this year.

JAGS 21, TITANS 13

The Jags can't stay with the Titans, and they know it.  They'd probably clobber the Bucs, as well.  The London Jaguars can still win it, though, as these teams have split their season series, and the tie-breaker is point differential.  Titans play the Colts next week- Colts tend to clobber bad teams and lose huge to good teams (see yesterday), and the Jags travel to Houston, who only need to win and the entire league to lose next week in order to make the playoffs.

BROWNS 13, CAROLINA 17

The Panthers, led by mostly disassembled Cam Newton, shove the Blank Helmets into the Basement, and we're LOVING it.  Was it only 7 weeks ago the Brownies were 6-3, had just defeated the Bengals and were living large at the top of the AFC North-Central-Mid-muckluck?  It was!  They've gone 1-5 since, slowly dismantling into dysfunction and next week at Baltimore should wrap up this disaster of a season at 7-9. We make room on the orange couch for this grand Patriarch, who can regale the rest of the acolytes in the Basement for the whole winter.  Cozy up to our crummy space heater, Brownie fans- next year Johnny Party-Down will be leading the Blank-ness into the blizzard. Chew on that dog bone, Dawg Pound.

JETS 16, PATRIOTS 17

The Nyets made it close, and that's close enough. Rex Ryan should be fired- I mean, just because he's never had a good QB in his entire coaching career should not factor into this. Now that the Raiders have found a QB (which they had not done through the draft since the 19th century), it's the Jets that lead the way with disastrous draft choices at the position. Next week's loss: at Miami. Good God, they might win that game- you can bet all of New York is rooting for the faceplant and a shot at Marcus Mariota...who kinda fits their model for draft choices, though a better version. Scary pick for the Jets.

DA BARES 14, DETROIT 21

Chicago at least ties with Cleveland for best 2nd half of season tank job, and wins for team dysfunction. The leaked coaching staff comments about QB Jay Cutler are the tip of the iceberg.  They can only finish 5-11, but considering they were 3-3 at one point, I say Job Well Done!

VIKINGS 35, MIAMI 37

4th down.  Just over a minute to go.  Tie game.  You have to punt from your own end zone.  How about just hiking the ball in the dirt, and the punter gets the boot blocked out of the end zone for a safety?  Game over!  The Yikes may be a disappointment here in the basement, but they can still make the 10 Club with a loss..but here come Da Bares to what I hope is just a total freezer of a game at the Golden Gopher Hole. Yikes will have to go all out to lose that one.  I kinda doubt it.  

KANSAS CITY 12, PITTSBURGH 20

Ok, the Cheaps still have a winning record, but Alex Smith STILL hasn't thrown a TD pass to a wide receiver all season.  And they just look like the most boring team on earth. 

49-WHINERS 35, CHARGERS 38 (OT)

Exploding out to a 28-7 first half lead, the Kings of the 2nd Half Collapse do their biggest stinker of the year, and the Chargers are alive in the playoff hunt.  Man, those halftime sessions have just got to be the best Doormat speeches ever devised by people pretending to be people, and delivering a message of platitudinous tune-out to people they almost think of as people.

RAH RAH RAH BLAH BLAH!!

Also, 49ers win, by a humongous margin, for worst expensive seat fans.  They call it the Red Hole, because there is nobody there, and it is at the 50 yard line on both sides of the field, and they're all underground in the lounge, sitting on plush seats and discussing stock margins and feeding on the little people.  What a dump.

NFC SOUTH

Carolina vs. Atlanta for all the marbles this week.  7-8-1 or 7-9, win a Division and host a playoff game.  Doormat Glory!   

ONE MORE WEEK TO GO TO THE FINISH LINE FOR THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET!!!

aaaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!