WEEK 1 WRAP-UP AND HOLLYWOOD DUMPSTER DIVE

BREAK UP THE RAMS!!

Niners on track,  Jets look formidable,  Toxins may be back

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

WEEK 1

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA

SANTA CLARA      0-1              3         23

NY GIANTS            0-1              3        19

CHICAGO               0-1            17        23

AFC

                                  W-L         PF        PA

PATSIES                   0-1          27         42

CINCINNATI           0-1             0         20

COLTS                      0-1           9          46

HOUSTON               0-1            7          29

NY JETS                   0-1          12        21

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!

Wow, what a great day in the Basement yesterday, Doormat Denizens.  It's gonna be a great season.  Lots of unpredictable games, and some stellar Doormat planning.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

RAMS 49,  COLTS 9

Looking like the kid who rocketed to fame in college for the Cal Bears, Jared Goff completely shredded the Indianapolis defense, while standing behind a solid line, for the biggest beat down they've administered since the Harding administration.  Well...2014.   He got sacked once.  Last year, he got sacked when the team ran on the field, and was developing a flinch if you just raised your hand in his peripheral vision.  On the other side of the ball, the Rams snared two INTs, for TWO touchdowns, sacked whatever stiff was back there for the Colts six times, and generally snuffed the life out of the Horseshoe Heads.

 If the Lambies can keep up that kind of protection for this kid...they'll be leaving the basement.  However, let's wait a week or two before starting to pack their gear for a Basement Exit.  The Colts without Andrew Luck are a terrible team.  Still..we raise our cheese pizzas, Busch beer, and high hopes to the downtrodden Lambs, who, on this day, rose up and completely clobbered somebody.  Huzzah!!

D.O.A  OF THE WEEK

49ers 3,  PANTHERS 23

They have a new GM, a new coach, 46 new players and, man, were the Whiners ready for their Doormat Debut.  Looking like a team that may never score a touchdown, ever again, the Whines did it every possible way you can crush even the most optimistic fan-  well placed dink penalties, dropped passes on bombs that were right on the money, holding onto the ball on 3-step drop-back plays (and getting turfed), an injury to your #1 pick, bad blocking, TOTAL CONFUSION in the defensive backfield, 2-11 on 3rd down, 1-4 on 4th down (and some whoa play calls there)...interceptions! fumbles!  It was Wheel of Fortune Football, all....day....long.  Can I buy a yard?

Considering that Cam Newton is obviously rusty, and was missing wide wide wide open receivers left and right (one WR was so all alone nobody was within 20 yards of him, drifting to the end zone, and Cam overthrew him by 20), the Pansies coulda won by 40.  When teams play the Whines, they need to change the position name to WOR- wide open receiver.  Whoa.  One could say the 49ers are on the track to rebuilding, but, right now, this year, they've got what it takes for a Moldy Carpet Championship. 

JAGS 29,  TEXANS 7

It had been six years since the Jags won on opening day.  And they did it in Houston.  The two teams, to be serious here for a moment, where providing a much needed diversion for some of the folks in the city of Houston, which is still reeling from the devastation of Hurricane Harvey.  

I never believe the Toxins are really a good team.  I think they are always just one step away from tumbling back into the basement, and maybe this is it.  They are forever doing it with mirrors with suspect QBs, and only their stalwart defense saves them.  Not yesterday.  The Texan offensive line...there wasn't one.  10 sacks allowed.  TEN.  Three fumbles lost, one for a fumble-six.  The Toxins are back- at least for this week.  JAGS will have trouble losing a bundle with the Colts and Toxins playing like this.  A lot at stake in the Basement for the Jags.  

PATSIES  27, CHIEFS 42

New England is this week's Honorary Division Leader, even though the point differential doesn't really qualify them.  Boy it's fun to see them up there on our leaderboard, AIN'T IT?  Plus we finally get to pull out the nickname.  Well done, you aging annoying winners.  Taste the turf.

JETS 12,  BILLS 21

Man, there's so much going on in the Doormat already, our supposed Marquee game is waaay down the list.  But this much is clear:  The Jets clearly out-classed the Bills in all phases of the game.  3 interceptions (one on a 2-point conversion, so not in the stats), 11 first downs,  214 yards total offense.  Just completely solid Doormat play, taking care of business against their formidable division rival.   0-1 and on track.

BUNGLES 0, RAVENS 20

Wowee, the Bungles busted out of the gate like overweight marmots-  4 interceptions, lost fumble and STILL 5 punts.  That's probably every single possession.   And they did it at home.  Look out Browns.  What a debut.  Next hideous game:  at Texans.

BROWNS 18, STEELERS 21

A loss is a loss, but some ominous signs of life, here.  Only 4 penalties.  That's not Blank Helmet Football.  They came from behind and almost won (yes, Futile Comeback, sure).  Browns QB DeShone Kizer appears to have some 4th quarter moxie, which bodes for some actual entertainment for Cleveland fans, while they still lose 12 games.  But, seriously, Browns culture appears to be headed for Parity...some day.  

SEAHAGS 9,  PACKERS 17

The Hags looked terrible.  Stay tuned.  

GIANTS 3, COWBOYS 19

As suspected, the Giants offense looks like it has nothing, NOTHING, I tell you.  Their defense can be the best in the world, and it won't save them.  Gnats are in trouble, but they did just play the best team in the NFC East.  

LIONS 35, CARDINALS 23

Just a little check-in on our illustrious ex-Doormat God, the Detroit Lions.  They started the game with a pick-six, and dug a 10-0 hole.  However, they ended up blowing out the Cardinals and I don't think these guys are coming back any time soon.

WASHINGTON 17,  EAGLES 30

In a crucial divisional game for Doormat supremacy, the Skins lose three fumbles, and the last one for the game clinching touchdown.  Mission accomplished.  Next challenge- the Rams in L.A.  

BEARS 17, FALCONS 23

Still reeling from the greatest Super Bowl flame-out in history-  almost as important as the Battle of Trafalgar!!!- the Falcons dang near dropped game one to the Doormat pros, daBares.  We'll see, game one is extremely misleading, this may be the best game daBares play all year.  Still, that didn't really look like a bunch of bums out there.  Are daBares just poseurs, faking you out while they nab your pic-a-nic basket?  Only Boo-Boo knows.

WHEW, that's a lot of games.  It'll sort itself out by week 4, save for the team that starts well, and then swan dives it's way to glory.  Who's it gonna be?

WE WILL SAVE THE WORST STATS UNTIL AFTER TONIGHT'S GAMES:

CHARGERS @ DENVER

SAINTS @ VIKINGS

AAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!!!!

WEEK 17 REPORT: The Brown Crown of Renown

...and the Moldy Carpet 2016 goes to...

THE CLEVELAND BROWNS!!

1-15 

Though the Perfect Season Parade was cancelled due to victory last week (it's a real thing, it's on GoFundMe and it raised over $10,000) and the money was smartly donated to the Cleveland Food Bank, Browns fans can still celebrate the winning of the Moldy Carpet, as their beloved Brownies finish dead last in the NFL for the first time, EVER, in their storied history.

Here's the link to the Perfect Season Parade Fund, in case you doubt us (apologies for this link not being 'active' - you must cut and paste):

https://www.gofundme.com/browns-perfect-season-parade-fund?ssid=860390682&pos=1

We'll get to the incredible final game that the hometown fans got to endure, but first the standings

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 17 

FINAL STANDINGS

AFC

Cleveland -      1-15

Jacksonville -   3-13

NY Jets -          5-11

San Diego -      5-11

Cincinnati -       6-9-1

Bills                  7-9

NFC
San Francisco - 2-14
Chicago -           3-13
Los Angeles -     4-12
Carolina -           6-10

Philly-                7-9

New Orleans     7-9

All teams below the 10-loss line are not granted membership in the Basement for 2016-17.  7-9 you get to spend the winter on the patio by the grill. Philly and Cincinnati both had shots to make the 10 club yesterday, but failed.  The Panthers, however, nailed it. 

BROWNS 24, STEELERS 27 (OT)

(Cleveland) Do you have "grit"?  Cleveland has grit. Cleveland has so much grit, they've got brown and orange kidney stones. 

It was arduous, it was difficult.  But the Brown-outs are money. Playing against the most obscure Steelers money can buy, the Browns still pulled it off.  Despite racking up 27 first downs (first time since Dec. 13, 2015*), 437 total yards and getting punted at 8 times, they still did it.  

They did it by intercepting a pass, running it back the length of the field for an apparent pick-six, and then fumbled at the goal line for a Steeler's touchback. Wow! Pittsburgh responded by marching the length of the field and scoring. 

They did by driving right down to the 3 yard line in the closing minute, tied 21-21, needing only to run out the clock and kick the stupid field goal and win the game- but the Blanks fumbled the ball and the Steelers recovered. Incredible! 

They did it by kicking a field goal in overtime and then letting the Steelers just mow the grass with them, all the way down the field, and watching from a safe vantage point as the Steelers score the winning touchdown. Kablam!! That's right, instead of just safely losing the game early, with the fans slipping away quietly into the overcast afternoon, they kept them in their seats until the final, baleful horn sounded. Blank Helmet Football wraps it up with a cathedral-quiet mass shuffle to the parking lot. I can hear the gravel. 

Owner Jim Haslem is keeping this magnificent front office, GM and coach together for an encore next season, and why not?  He's doubling down! He's double-trouble in a bubble of flubble doubling down! Sprinkle some more grit on that bratwurst!!  Hey, they still need to have that Perfect Season Parade, because the fans deserve- the fans do not deserve this.

I can kind of understand Haslem's decision.  Perhaps the logic is: what the heck difference will it make? What else can happen? Brownie fans everywhere, we salute your bumbling team for the glory of the Moldy Carpet, and for the day you guys will somehow, someway, exit the Basement.  Now, take your Jim Brown jersey, make a hot cocoa, wrap yourself in the jersey, find your comfy chair, and just hum to yourself quietly. Pet the cat. Watch the rain patter on the window. And then, when you've had your cry, tune in the Cavaliers game tonight.  

*the Dec. 13 game was the Battle for the Basement in 2015, vs. the 49ers (4-8 vs the Browns 2-10). The Blanks won that game.  It is, in fact one of the 2 games they have won in the last 27.  

49ERS 23, SEAHAWKS 25

(Santa Clara) The 49ers win the NFC Doormat with a stellar 2-14 season, tying every other 'worst' season they've ever had.  QB Colin Kaepernick posted a 123.1 rating yesterday. The Whiners also went 2-11 on third down. So, he was great on 1st and 2nd down, but complete crapola on 3rd, a solid recipe for posting a loss. The Whiners fired everybody except the owner. Owner Jed York issued so many pink slips you could have made a tutu. So look for more 10 loss seasons until further notice. Because Jed.  Jed is a man with...with...a stadium.  Perhaps he can get the SF Ballet to move there.  They will sell guaranteed tutu 'licenses.' 

Chip Kelly, since he did not enter the league as an offensive coordinator, is done in the NFL. Getting dropped into head coaching with no subordinate roles and failing twice leaves one no options. Not a career NFL man.  But Southwestern East Texas Teacher's College is hiring, I hear.  I believe their nickname is the Knucklerappers.  

LAMBS 6, CARDINALS 44

(Los Angeles) Here we are, end of season. Lambs are just easily the worst team in the league.  How did they ever win those 3 games in a row back in September? I dunno! Must have been a clerical error. Yesterday they finished off the season, at home like the Browns and Whiners, and just mailed it in from so far away, it needed extra postage. 9 first downs. 123 total yards.  3 turnovers (5 total fumbles! just whoa), including a pick six as the cherry on top final glory moment of the season. The defense was- wait, I am being told there was no defense. Never mind. Rams finish a respectable Doormat 4-12.  Can they do to Jared Goff what they did to Sam Bradford (105 sacks in 3 years)?  Stay tuned.

BEARS 10, VIKINGS 38

Before we go all Bears on you, the Vikings (8-8) and the Colts (8-8) will play in the Parity Bowl at a neutral site and every single person will receive a ribbon for participating.

Can we get Bears QB Matt Barkley 9 more games? In a mere 7 contests, he connected on 14 interceptions. If he got a full season, that's 32 interceptions! It won't get him to George Blanda's all-time record of 42, but it's a start. Yesterday he racked up 2 more (plus a Fumble-Six) and avoided the end zone, so his 'balance' is 8 TDs vs. 14 interceptions. Go to the head of the class here in the Basement. The only game he didn't throw an INT was versus the Whiners in a driving snow storm. So, if the NFL expands to Anchorage, we know who to build our roster around.  And don't build a damn indoor stadium.  Be a man!  Oh, my cocoa has gone cold. 

By the way the the all-time single season interception leader (most interceptions by DB) is Night Train Lane, for the 1952 Los Angeles Rams.  A name worth keeping alive.

Bears finish up a very very competitive 3-13, nipping at the heels of the Whiners.  But the victory over the Whiners, in that very blizzard, did them in. Coach John Fox, a blazing 9-23 since taking over this developing Doormat regular, refuses to say if he'll have a job next year. I always wonder what this means- did he offer his resignation and was told to shut up? Win the Moldy Carpet, and we'll talk about firing, John.  

JAGS 20, COLTS 24

What a great finish to a season like this: lose the game with :09 left on the clock.  Jags (3-13) came back into the Basement with a vengeance. Never doubt this club. I don't care who they hire to steer this team. They have culture. 

CHARGERS 27, CHIEFS 37

(San Diego) Interception leader Philip "Why Are People In the Way?" Rivers racks up two more and finishes the season with 21, a curious homage to slingin' John Hadl (#21).  An acceptable 5-11, the Chagrins didn't tank- they just never got around to winning very often. Blowing more leads than anybody thought possible, except our commissioner who called it in the preseason, the Chargers fired coach Mike McCoy yesterday, and so won't have to pack so much stuff for the move to Los Angeles (Pasadena).  

PANTHERS 16, BUCS 17

(Tampa)Three teams had a shot at making 10 losses yesterday, and only the Panthers 

(6-10) achieved greatness and membership in the Basement for the winter. You know, despite the Super Bowl last year, we still have some faded Pansies wallpaper up, behind the TV.  We like the way that funny blue goes with the orange plaid and silver duct tape couch. See, they always come back, even if just on the Patio. They're our grill-masters.  

Who else but the Pansies could lose the final game to them Bucs (9-7!!), our proud Doormat members who graciously passed the torch yesterday in Tampa. Pansie QB Cam Newton was a blaze of interceptions (3) and pained looks (the champion). The crowning pain being the missed 2-point conversion, going for the win, at the end of regulation, instead of getting the tie and going into overtime.  Why wait when you can lose now, and hit the hot tub just that much sooner? 

Panthers experience biggest plummet of the year, from 15-1 and the Stuper Bowl to 6-10 and winterizing in the Basement.  {The Panthers have never had two winning seasons in a row. They began operations in 1993.} 

JETS 30, BILLS 10

(New York) Well, the Jets (5-11) still make the 10 Club, but it could have been so much more. But what are you going to do when it's New Year's Day and the visiting team was in NYC for New Year's?  You won't be losing this game, no matter how much bigger your hangover is than Joe Namath's ever was. Bills play like they left it all on the dance floor last night, and go pffft. Rex Ryan, freshly fired, can head for the golf links and...does his brother caddy? That has to be the best stocked golf bag on the links any time they show up.

AND NOW FOR OUR YEAR-END UPDATES:

THE TEN CLUB

CLEVELAND         1-15                         2 years in a row 10 losses

SAN FRANCISCO 2-14  (coach fired)

JACKSONVILLE    3-13  (coach fired)  5 straight years 10 losses

CHICAGO              3-13                        2 years in a row

LOS ANGELES     4-12   (coach fired)   2 years in a row 

SAN DIEGO          5-11    (coach fired)

NY JETS               5-11                         2 years in a row

CAROLINA            6-10    (coach fired)

. LONGEST PLAYOFF DROUGHT

1. BUFFALO BILLS  - 17  seasons and climbing

2. CLEVELAND BROWNS- 14

3.  ST. LOUIS RAMS- 12

4.  JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS- 9

5. TAMPA BAY BUCS- 9

6. TENNESSEE TITANS- 8

7.  NEW YORK JETS- 6  

8. CHICAGO BEARS- 6

17 seasons is a really long time.  However 26 seasons without a playoff victory is even more painful.

2. LONGEST PLAYOFF VICTORY DROUGHT

1.  CINCINNATI BENGALS-  26 

2.  DETROIT LIONS -  25 (pending playoff outcome) 1 victory since 1957.
3.  BUFFALO BILLS-  21 

4.  CLEVELAND BROWNS- 19

5.  MIAMI DOLPHINS- 15   (pending playoff outcome)

6.  OAKLAND RAIDERS- 14 (pending playoff outcome, not looking good)

7.  TAMPA BAY BUCS-  15  

8.  TENNESSEE TITANS- 14

-->

aaaaAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

-wacko

WEEK 14 REPORT: CROWN THE BROWNS?

CROWN THE BROWNS? 

WITHER WHINERS?

   1-13                           0-14

Should we just hand the Browns the Moldy Carpet now?  How could this team possibly win a game? Can the Niners somehow catch them? Can the Jags go back and undo those victories?Are the Rams actually the worst team in the league, but just got a late start?

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 14

AFC
Cleveland -      0-13
Jacksonville -   2-11
NY Jets -          4-9
San Diego -      5-8
Cincinnati -       5-7-1
Indianapolis-     6-7

NFC
San Francisco - 1-12
Chicago -           3-10
Los Angeles -     4-9
Carolina -           5-8
Philly-                 5-8

New Orleans      5-8


BROWNS 10, BENGALS 23
Fearless in their pursuit of the Moldy Carpet, the Browns opened the game yesterday with 5 punts and an interception for 56 yards and about 3 first downs. This got them all the way to the 3rd quarter! On the other side of the ball, they guided Bungles QB Andy Dalton to his highest rating of the year (112.2) and a 20-0 lead at intermission. Browns 'coach' Hue Jackson took the pressure off in the 2nd half and allowed his team to score a little, to avoid hypothermia. He also 'asked for understanding' about RGB III's sloppy start. No worries here Hue, we get it! 0-16 looks good to us. Let the haggling about who is the worst 0-16 team - them or the 2008 Lions.

Browns danger game is the final game against the Steelers, who may have locked up a playoff spot by then and decide to rest the entire roster. A raffle will be held among the local Pittsburgh high schools to to field a team.

GAME OF THE WEEK
NINERS 17, JETS 23 (OT)
You had to see it to believe it. This was serious. The Jests started 3rd stringer Bryce Petty, a fiery fighter of fiesty football fury! Also, definitely a... 2nd string QB. Showing his mettle, he started off, on play 1, with an interception at his own 7-yard line, then following it up with a quick 3 and out. On the backside,the Gang Green (I didn't even have to make that up) defense showed 49er running back Carlos Hyde where the holes were, and the Whiners were up 14-0 and in serious jeopardy with a whole game to play yet. Patience.

The Jets punted and punted, yet the Niners countered with driving and missing field goals (2), a real morale drainer. FU, Jets!! Then they traded field goals. Uh-oh. Niners coach Chip Kelly, nervous about all the yardage being piled up and the nearness of the goal line, and a eye-popping 17-3 lead, ground the offense to a complete halt, finishing off for the day with 6 consecutive punts (ok they ended the first half with the ball, but they would have punted if someone had just given them the time). Later, regarding the 'conservative' offense, Chip said "it's on me."  Chip, we know that.  It's on you like the smell of barf on a fraternity toilet on Sunday morning.

Undaunted, the Jets countered with grim nothing, slipping up on one measly 3rd quarter field goal. Petty was looking like Doormat Gold.
But the Niners, ahead 17-6 with tons of time left in the 4th, had just had enough. Pulling themselves apart collectively on defense, their worst tackling angles finally clicked, the sliding off running backs like water off a duck's back suddenly was easy, and they backed off receivers and dragged the Jets down the field in an arduous 15-play, 9 minute drive, capping it off with a stellar missed tackle by Ahmad Brooks that landed the Jesters in the end zone.

Sure he couldn't do it twice, the Nyets ran Petty right at Brooks for the 2-point conversion and he did a wondrous missed tackle encore, complete with flailing and spinning, and BOOM.
17-14. 

Had enough?  The fun was just starting. With 4:48 to go, and the sound of seagulls echoing around a silent stadium, the Whiners doubled down and punted immediately, gaining 0 yards on 3 plays. By now the Jets knew they were doomed, it was just a matter of time. 8 plays later, the tying field goal (50 yards) wafted into the bay air, noiselessly floating between the goal posts as 30,000 empty red seats waited for the final indignity in OT. 

The Niners won the coin toss, and countered with a new move, turning the ball over on downs, eschewing the punt, as it would put the Jets too far down the field and hey the Jets need to score here. 

The gassed 49er defense gave it all up on this drive, including just giving up on the last run into the end zone for the Jets.  It was the kind of drive that makes evil empire owner Jed York and his minion, GM Trent Balke, cackle into their champagne. If only the Browns would win a game!  The Moldy Carpet could be theirs.  Dream on.  

LAMBS 14, FALCONS 42,000
Lambie rookie QB Jared Goff had the deer-in-the-headlights thing going on yesterday, scoring 14 points for the Falcons with a pick-six and a fumble-six (plus another INT), so, wow, Jared.  But, let's be fair- the entire team stunk like lamb stew that's been on the back burner on a forgotten Greek island restaurant for the entire summer.  2 more fumbles, 7 punts, and 11 penalties for 105 yards. I mean...it's so great they moved back to L.A. It's just what they needed down there. (The Lambs may actually be the worst team in the league right now. Remember, they lost to the 49ers, 28-0, in week 1. Think about that.) The Falcons punted EIGHT times and STILL scored 42 points.  Holy Toledo.  

SAINTS 11, BUCS 16
These guys can't even find the right numbers.  6 field goals, a safety, and 1 touchdown.  Bucs keep winning....Doormat exit!

BEARS 17, LIONS 20
Yet again the Bears make it look close. The Lions were game to lose, but the Bears weren't having it.  Bears got the Lions in the end zone last, and that's all that mattered.  Bears clear the 10 loss marker!

BILLS 20, STEELERS 27
It's interesting watching a team that doesn't start an actual quarterback. If the Bills can keep losing, they can finish 6-10. But the Jets and Browns are on the schedule- forget it.  For certain they will not make the playoffs- that will be 18 seasons without even an invite to the party.  Who needs a party when you can scrape ice off your windshield?

JAGUARS 16, VIKINGS 25
An absolute HAIL of field goals- 7- before somebody scored a touchdown.  My foot is sore. Pick-six machine Jaguar Blake Bortles didn't even throw an interception yesterday. ??  The Jags were ahead going into the 4th quarter! Vikings QB Sam Bradford was looking for another way to prove his Doormat mettle. But it was not to be. The Jags, better than just about anybody at losing at home in stadium deflating fashion, got the fans heading for the exits before the 2- minute warning, as the Vikings got the shock of the afternoon- scoring two TDs in one quarter.  Jags 2-11 and a force.

THREE WEEKS TO GO.  It's all about keeping the losses in your locker room, and watching out for better teams that give up and teams that have made the playoffs, rest everybody, and field a Doormat lineup against you.  Stay strong! Stay disorganized!  Don't adjust!  

aaaaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!!

DOORMAT WEEK FOUR STANDINGS and WORST STATS

Notice anything unusual?  Everybody, or nearly everybody is scoring points.  Usually we have at least 2 teams that don't clear 100 points until week 8.  Even the worst teams- Bears and Titanics, may do that by week 6.  It's nuts.  So, it's the WHO CARES year in the Doormat, and hooray for that.  At least there is entertainment on the field, even if your team turns it over 7 times.  At least they hurled a few bombs!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 4

AFC               W - L      PF - PA

BROWNS         0 - 4         74 - 115

TITANICS        1 - 3         62 - 84

DOLPHINS      1 -3          71 - 89

JETS                  1 - 3        79 - 105

JAGUARS        1 - 3         84 - 111

COLTS              1 - 3        108 - 125

CHARGERS    1 - 3        121- 108

NFC              W - L   PF - PA

BEARS              1 - 3       62 - 97

BUCS                 1 - 3       77 - 128

49ers                  1 - 3       90 - 107

DETROIT         1 - 3       95- 102

SAINTS             1 - 3       113 - 130

CARDINALS    1 - 3      92 - 80

NFL WEEK 4 WORST STATS

POINTS:        0          Pats

First Downs: 12          RAMS (and they won)

Total Yards:   222       Dolphins

Passing yds:   143       Bucs

Rush  yds:      38        Chargers

Yards Allowed: 571   Panthers (wow!)

Turnovers:     6          Cards  (3/3)

PUNTS:         8           Raiders

Total Punts:  15          Raiders-Ravens (8/7) 

Penalties:      11-145   Jaguars (probably because they had to drive on the left).

Tim of Poss:  21:58    Dolphins

Monday Night Doormat Lights Out!!

RAMS DESTROY NINERS  0-28

Holy Toledo!  The Los Angeles Lambs wrapped up their season last night.  All done...except for 15 more games.  Mere formality.  

If there was any doubt about that, all you had to do was drink in the long shots of glum Ram fans, glumming out in a glum private fog, deftly bluffing the knowledge that their gloom was being broadcast to all football humans in the football universe.  Glom on that, blue and gold! The Lambs are back in LA!  

WOWEE.  Every Ram possession either ended in a punt, an interception, or loss of downs.  There AREN'T any other possessions, except for end of game.   10 punts! 10 first downs (shoulda been 7), 10 penalties for 102 yards, 3-15 on 3rd down, 185 total yards, 2 interceptions, chaotic defense, chippiness devolving into personal fouls, more chaos, your star defensive player being ejected, a quarterback who looked like he was playing with a broken thumb (but wasn't) and a coach who needs to get 10 losses to be the losingest NFL coach of all time. The only way coach Fisher won't get there is that he'll be fired in 3 games if this keeps up, which would be a shame, because this team could go 0-16.  Look out, Browns, there's a new kid on the block.  

As we pointed out in the last week's preview, Chip Kelly offenses, if you aren't a prepared, quick team in decent shape, will blow you off the field in the first half, and then, when they're just as tired in the 2nd half, try to hold on and win.  This isn't going to work against any actually good NFL teams, so DO try to temper your Niner enthusiasm. Blaine Gabbert, Carlos Hyde and their band of non-famous players strutted some serious mediocrity in the second half, and don't you forget it.  Carlos Hyde, should he stay healthy, is a great running back. Gabbert, if he keeps running around like that, will be on the IR in two weeks. Hello, Colin Kaeperkneel (who, by the way, has actually had a positive effect on his team, the opposite of what was predicted).   

But the Lambs had them so outclassed it was no contest.  

Lambs QB Case Keenum, looking beyond overmatched for an NFL game, is only there to keep the seat warm, and take all the punishment, until golden boy Jared Goff finally gets fitted with some shoulder pads.  Look for that to happen a LOT sooner in La-La land...like in 2 weeks.

NFL WEEK ONE WORST STATS

Points:   0           Lambs

Punts:   10          Lambs

First Downs: 10   Lambs

Penalties: 14/141- Rrraiders (wow)

Total Yards:  160      Bills

Rush:     22/52yds     Cardinals

Pass:    95                 Bils

Yards Allowed:  435   Washington

Sacked:    7/42          Bengals

Turnovers: 3        Broncos (2 int/ 1 fum)

Third down efficiency:  20%  2-10 Browns; 3-15  Rams

Time of Poss:  20:40  BROWNS  (so close to under 20!)

aaaAnd That's the View from the Basement!

-wacko