MAKE WAY FOR THE KING
RAIDERS 0, RAMS 52
Leaving no doubt about who is the worst team in the league, in perhaps the most phenomenal defeat in their history (the 1961 55-0 loss to Houston included), the Oakland Raiders played the worst game I've ever seen a pro football team play. In a complete implosion after their lone victory 10 days ago, the Silver and Blacked Out pulled out all the stops: 5 turnovers. Linebackers falling for fakes that don't work in Little Guy football. QBs running for their lives. Running plays to nowhere. The dinkiest dink passes known to human-kind. A barrage of 3-and-outs in the first half. Four 3rd-and-1 play calls- sideline pass plays- that had no chance of converting into a first down. 3 of those the first 3 possessions. For all the world it looked intentional. When you have the biggest moose at fullback in the entire league, Marcel Reese, and you do not run him on 3rd and a yard, there is really something systemically planned going on. Add to this a hysterical chaos that is sometimes called a defensive backfield on other football teams, and you get a hail of touchdowns racked up so fast, the Rams had their biggest lead of the season (14-0) for only about 2 minutes before it got doubled. The Raiders didn't play defense- they held a charity event. The Raider 'D' took more bad angles than the drunks down at my local billiard hall.
And just when the avalanche seemed to have stopped, the Blacked Out pulled out forgotten big off-season pick-up Matt Schaub at QB, threw him into the fray, and Matt delivered the cherry-on-top pick-six in the 4th quarter, getting the Rams over the half-century mark. Pop the champagne!
Raiders coach Tony Sporano said the Blacked Out weren't sharp all week. Not sharp? Coach, coach, COACH. That was the greatest Doormat performance possible. Sporting the worst Turkey Day hangover of all time must be recognized, but this kind of bad takes at least 2, maybe 3 years of prep, and the Raiders have made it. Once they got ol' tiresome Al out of the way, and his boob of a son Mark got ahold of the team, it's been a hard charge into the biggest sinkhole in the history of Commitment to Excellence.
The Raiders, the worst team in football for the last 11 years, are now the Worst Team in Football RIGHT NOW. Mission Accomplished.
Let's have a look at the standings, and then let's skewer the other games:
THE STANDINGS
DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 13
NFC W-L PF PA DIFF
Tampa Bay 2-10 220 314 -94
NY Giants 3-9 257 319 -62
NY Jets 2-10 190 319 -129
Carolina 3-8-1 228 337 -85
Minnesota 5-7 233 257 -24
AFC
Oakland 1-11 176 337 -161
Jacksonville 2-10 186 329 -143
Tennessee 2-10 213 338 -125
*Houston 6-6
THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE
GIANTS 24, JAGUARS 25
In this huge Doormat tilt, staked to a 21-0 lead by the Jaguars, the New York Gnats turn it around with TWO fumbles- one in their end zone and the other run back 41 yards- for Jaguar touchdowns, thus saving the Jags the bother of having to move the football, which is usually not on the clipboard. The Giants make sure they don't get the last field goal, they hit 7 straight losses, lose to the #2 team in the Doormat, and keep within a game of Tampa Bay in the NFC. Pow!
BUCS 13, BENGALS 14
Bengals QB Andy Dalton really really tried, but 3 interceptions will not do it against the Bootineers, not when first place is there for the taking, and 10 losses are on the line. Faced with a first and goal after an interception, and the lead 7 yards away, the Boots refuse to move into the end zone, kick a field goal, and come up 1 point short. Arr! The Boots walk their own plank.
DEADSKINS 27, COLTS 49
This was like a college game, where the really bad team somehow stays with the much better team until early in the 3rd quarter, and then they just can't keep up. The Sunburns run out of gas, hit the gatorade table, and come up with the big loss. Only one game out of first in the Doormat NFC.
TITANS 21, ASTROS 45
I mean, the TEXANS. If you can make Texan QB Ryan Fitzpatrick wind up with a 147.5 rating, you are really really...really scraping the bottom of the tallow bin, baby. Titanics get Houston out to a 24-0 lead, bring in once-upon-a-time franchise QB Jake Locker, and Jake whips out two INTs and a fumble.
Titanics make it to 10 losses as well. Glub!
FALCONS 29, CARDINALS 18
The Falcons accidentally got out to a 17-0 lead, had no idea how to respond, and couldn't get back on track. Cardinal QB Drew Stanton finished being an effective stand-in QB 3 weeks ago, and the Falcons had no response. Holy Cow, Atlanta won a game. SCREEECH!
PANTHERS 13, VIKINGS 31
Finally, the Minnesota Vikes played a cold weather game in Minneapolis for the first time since Martin Van Buren was president. And guess what? They won! Today's only palindrome score, the Vikings get whacked with TWO easy punt blocks, which they run in for scores, and they cannot recover. Getting ahead of the Pansies 21-3 is murder. You're not going to lose. Cam Newton has you right where he wants you.
aaaAAAaAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!
