Doormat Week 13: RAIDERS TAKE CHARGE!!

MAKE WAY FOR THE KING

RAIDERS 0,  RAMS 52
Leaving no doubt about who is the worst team in the league, in perhaps the most phenomenal defeat in their history (the 1961 55-0 loss to Houston included), the Oakland Raiders played the worst game I've ever seen a pro football team play.  In a complete implosion after their lone victory 10 days ago, the Silver and Blacked Out pulled out all the stops:  5 turnovers. Linebackers falling for fakes that don't work in Little Guy football. QBs running for their lives. Running plays to nowhere. The dinkiest dink passes known to human-kind. A barrage of 3-and-outs in the first half.  Four 3rd-and-1 play calls- sideline pass plays- that had no chance of converting into a first down. 3 of those the first 3 possessions.  For all the world it looked intentional. When you have the biggest moose at fullback in the entire league, Marcel Reese, and you do not run him on 3rd and a yard, there is really something systemically planned going on. Add to this a hysterical chaos that is sometimes called a defensive backfield on other football teams, and you get a hail of touchdowns racked up so fast, the Rams had their biggest lead of the season (14-0) for only about 2 minutes before it got doubled.  The Raiders didn't play defense- they held a charity event.  The Raider 'D' took more bad angles than the drunks down at my local billiard hall.

And just when the avalanche seemed to have stopped, the Blacked Out pulled out forgotten big off-season pick-up Matt Schaub at QB, threw him into the fray, and Matt delivered the cherry-on-top pick-six in the 4th quarter, getting the Rams over the half-century mark.  Pop the champagne!

Raiders coach Tony Sporano said the Blacked Out weren't sharp all week. Not sharp? Coach, coach, COACH.  That was the greatest Doormat performance possible. Sporting the worst Turkey Day hangover of all time must be recognized, but this kind of bad takes at least 2, maybe 3 years of prep, and the Raiders have made it.  Once they got ol' tiresome Al out of the way, and his boob of a son Mark got ahold of the team, it's been a hard charge into the biggest sinkhole in the history of Commitment to Excellence.

The Raiders, the worst team in football for the last 11 years, are now the Worst Team in Football RIGHT NOW.  Mission Accomplished.

Let's have a look at the standings, and then let's skewer the other games:

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 13
 

NFC               W-L              PF       PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-10              220      314       -94

Washington     3-9                244      322       -78 

NY Giants       3-9                257      319        -62

Carolina           3-8-1             228      337       -85

Minnesota        5-7                233      257       -24

AFC             

Oakland           1-11              176      337      -161            

Jacksonville      2-10             186     329      -143

NY Jets             2-10             190      319      -129

Tennessee        2-10              213      338      -125

*Houston           6-6

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

GIANTS 24, JAGUARS 25
In this huge Doormat tilt, staked to a 21-0 lead by the Jaguars, the New York Gnats turn it around with TWO fumbles- one in their end zone and the other run back 41 yards- for Jaguar touchdowns, thus saving the Jags the bother of having to move the football, which is usually not on the clipboard.  The Giants make sure they don't get the last field goal, they hit 7 straight losses, lose to the #2 team in the Doormat, and keep within a game of Tampa Bay in the NFC.  Pow!

BUCS 13,  BENGALS 14
Bengals QB Andy Dalton really really tried, but 3 interceptions will not do it against the Bootineers, not when first place is there for the taking, and 10 losses are on the line. Faced with a first and goal after an interception, and the lead 7 yards away, the Boots refuse to move into the end zone, kick a field goal, and come up 1 point short.  Arr!  The Boots walk their own plank.

DEADSKINS 27, COLTS 49
This was like a college game, where the really bad team somehow stays with the much better team until early in the 3rd quarter, and then they just can't keep up.  The Sunburns run out of gas, hit the gatorade table, and come up with the big loss.  Only one game out of first in the Doormat NFC.

TITANS 21,  ASTROS 45
I mean, the TEXANS.  If you can make Texan QB Ryan Fitzpatrick wind up with a 147.5 rating, you are really really...really scraping the bottom of the tallow bin, baby.  Titanics get Houston out to a 24-0 lead, bring in once-upon-a-time franchise QB Jake Locker, and Jake whips out two INTs and a fumble.
Titanics make it to 10 losses as well.  Glub!

FALCONS 29, CARDINALS 18
The Falcons accidentally got out to a 17-0 lead, had no idea how to respond, and couldn't get back on track.  Cardinal QB Drew Stanton finished being an effective stand-in QB 3 weeks ago, and the Falcons had no response.  Holy Cow, Atlanta won a game.  SCREEECH!

PANTHERS 13, VIKINGS 31
Finally, the Minnesota Vikes played a cold weather game in Minneapolis for the first time since Martin Van Buren was president. And guess what?  They won!  Today's only palindrome score, the Vikings get whacked with TWO easy punt blocks, which they run in for scores, and they cannot recover.  Getting ahead of the Pansies 21-3 is murder.  You're not going to lose.  Cam Newton has you right where he wants you.

aaaAAAaAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL Week 14 Wrap-Up and Disposal!

I was over at a friend’s house recently, and noticed that he put virtually everything possible down the garbage disposal. He told me he’d even attempted corn husks and artichokes. I’d never seen an artichoke any where near him, and he admitted he’d gone out and bought an artichoke just to see if it would go down.

Well, there’s a LOT of things that won’t go down the garbage disposal, but they sure are in the dumpster out back today, staying fresh in the brisk winter air.

The trash is brimming with ex-coaches today, with Todd Haley and Tony Sparano joining the still well-preserved Jack del Rio on the pile out back. And, the effects have been, well, not immediate, but dramatic!

Jacksonville Jaguars 41 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 14

I’d like to say that the Gaguars have exploded out of the shackles that Jack del Rio held them in for the last 4 seasons, putting up 41 points for the first time since 2007. And it’s true- the Gags were pretty insane yesterday. But, that would be short-changing the Bootineers, and that just isn’t fair. Tampa did it all.

6 fumbles, 4 lost! 3 interceptions! After getting off to a shocking 14-0 lead, the Bootineers turn it up to blazing hot in Doormat play- unmatched by any team this year. WR Preston Parker, the man who fumbles more often than anybody else in this league, starts it off with a boot at his own 20, the ball rolls to the 8 and is scooped up by the Gaguars- TOUCHDOWN! Picking up on this cue, Josh Freeman (who has catapulted into the INT lead with 18) pulls the Sack-n-fumble-n-TOUCHDOWN just two possessions later. The Bootineers make Blain Gabbert look like Tom Brady, leaving guys so wide open that it appeared that there was confusion as to which field the game was being played on. Toss in 12 penalties for 97 yards and 4 free first downs, and you’ve got just about the best Doormat game of the season by a team that had a winning record just seven glaring losses ago. From 4-2 and talking trash to 4-9 and firmly in the trash and 3^rd place in the NFC Doormat Division. With dedication and focus you can accomplish anything.

Yes, that's Len Dawson's helmet.

Kansas City Cheaps 10, New York Jets 37

Not sure what the thinking was, picking the Cheaps to win this game. The Jets are fighting for their playoff lives. The Cheaps had only one thing to play for- getting Todd Haley fired. Mission accomplished. Maybe now they can install an offense.

Miami Dolphins 10, Philadephia Eagles 26

11 first downs, sacked 9 times, 3 turnovers, giftwrapped touchdowns. The Floppers return to stinker play against the most imploded team of the season, and get way under the bar with the kind of effort that gets your coach fired. Mission accomplished.

Andy Reid gets to hang around the post-game spread, though is limited to the carrot and broccoli plate. Eagles still get in 2 turnovers and 10 punts.

Denver Broncos 13, Chicago Bears 10 (OT)

The Broncos have a winning record now. 3 games over .500. Thank God I don’t have to write about them anymore. When is this going to stop?

Carolina Panthers 23, Atlanta Falcons 31

The Pansies rocket out to a 23-7 halftime lead, celebrate their victory in the locker room, and come out flat as a poacher’s throw rug and get waxed by the Falcons. Pansies join the 4-9 logjam for 3^rd in the NFC Doormat.

Washington Redskins 27, New England Patriots 34

Almost is good enough in the Basement. Hats off to the Deadskins for being part of Almost Upset Weekend, playing the Pats even for three quarters- and then pulling out the loss. Phew! 4-9 and right there for 3^rd place!

Buffalo Bills 10, San Diego Chargers 37

Nils QB Ryan Fitzpatrick continues the interception hijinks, checking in with 3 (16 on the season), and giving himself a shot at nabbing the INT crown for 2011 with just 3 games to go. At 5-8 the Nils are squarely back in the Basement, and have excellent chance to make it to 10 losses. Chargers have waited until too late to start playing with some discipline. Posers.

OKAY FINALLY Let’s Cover the PROS

Minnesota Vikings 28, Detroit Lions 34

They’ve dispensed with the Come From Ahead losses now. The Yikes go for the jugular in the first half, getting buried in the Kat Box 31-14 after two quarters. But wait! What’s this- a Futile Comeback? Yes! Trailing by only 6 points with 3:32 left in the game, the Yikings get all the way to the Detroit 2 with 9 seconds to go, and ….get sacked and fumble and blow the whole thing. Coming close is what makes a Doormat Champion and these guys still have a chance to win the NFC, standing low at 2-11.

St. Louis Lambs 13, Seattle Seahawks 30

But, the Yikings have the Lambs to contend with, and that’s a load. The Lambs score a late, pointless touchdown (taking around 23 plays from the 1, with a pass interference call, to score), wrecking their chances to get under 10 points a game. Something needs to be done about this, these late game garbage time touchdowns. I propose only getting 4 points for them. Lambs continue the big play defense, giving up two long kickoff returns. Go with what brought you here. Lambs going strong, 2-11 and with the Bengals, Steelers and 49ers on their schedule, they have the inside track to finish 2-14.

And Last, and most Mighty in the Doormat,

Indianapolis Colts 10, Baltimore Ravens 24

0-13. Three games to go. Can they make it? Titans next week! That final Jaguars game looking less scary now, now that Del Rio got thrown in the dumpster and the Gags are playing with fire. Dolts can’t run, can’t pass, and can’t play defense. They probably can’t make a decent cup of coffee. Probably that 'crayon coffee' that is lying in wait for you at midwestern diners. Piping hot and with at least 2 brown crayons!

NFL Week 14 Worst Stats

Points 3 Brownies

First downs 11 Floppers

Yards 167 Dolts

Rush 50 Dolts

Pass 117 Dolts

Turnovers 7 Bootineers

Sacked 9 Floppers

Punts 11 Bears (never seen somebody get 11 punts in two weeks in a row.)

Penalties 12-97 Bootineers

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!

The Doormat Division 2011 Week IV Preview

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK IV PREVIEW

It’s been hot the last few days. It’s really best if it doesn’t get too warm down here in the basement. The carpet warms up and…maybe I’ll type this outside. There’s gotta be a reeeeeeeeeealllllllly long extension cord around here somewhere. That sounds a lot like work. Maybe I’ll just light some early ‘60s incense- tobacco. That’ll cover up anything.

It’s Week IV, Doormat denizens, and if you can’t get on the losing bandwagon this week, you may be destined to another 7-9 year of parity and boredom. You either want to win big or lose big in this league. Kinda like our country these days. How come the NFL is interested in parity, anyway? What is this, SWEDEN???

Speaking of Scandahoovanians:

THE GAME OF THE WEEK

Yikings (0-3) at Cheaps (0-3)

Ah, remember the good old days? Back when the Cheaps won something, and the Yikes…well, never mind. There are no good old days for the Yikings. Believe me, I KNOW. The Yikes bring their incredible 3 game Come From Ahead streak into Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium, and it’s going to be tough loss to nail down. Why? The Cheaps, over their last 5 games, are averaging 8.8 points a game. They are LAST in the league in offense and defense. Until last week, the Cheaps hadn’t even scored in the second half.

So, pulling off a come from ahead is a TALL order for the Yikes, and most likely the streak will be broken. But not all is lost! The Cheaps did rally for 17 points last week, and didn’t nail down the loss until Matt Cassel hurled an INT late in the game. So, it could happen. And my brothers could ask me if I’ve written any songs lately, too.

The Yikes have won exactly ONCE in KC, in 1974. The Doormat wisdom: If you can’t hold a lead, don’t get one. The Yikes will be focused on maintaining the same level of play for the whole game, so to avoid pooping out in the 2^nd half yet again, they’ll pace themselves, and play like crap from the kickoff. In fact, they’ll play like crap on the bus coming down I-35. This should be decided by a field goal…in the second quarter. EDGE: YIKINGS

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Pansies (1-2) at Bears (1-2)

If the Bears can lose to Carolina, we’ll have to start recognizing them. We want to, but last year they made the playoffs (and looked like Doormat material in the final game). But this is the game. No more pussyfooting around. Pansy pass defense should make Jay “Hold ‘Em” Cutler look like Cam Newton, but it may not be enough. Pansies are really in danger of winning any game against another commie-pinko Parity Team. Cam Newton has not yet had a miracle finish game. Chances are… EDGE: BEARS

Falcons (1-2) at Seahags (1-2)

The Falcons can’t really have the same record as the Hags, right? Is that right?

That’ll change come Sunday. Lights out at Pork Link Field. EDGE: HAGS

COUNTDOWN TO UNEMPLOYMENT

Saints (2-1) at Gaguars (1-2)

Every year it looks like the Gags are finally going to fire Jack del Rio, and then the team wins a flurry of games at the end of the season, and his sorry ass stays in Jacksonville. Who else fires their starting quarterback just before the season 2 years in a row? Nobody. You Gaguar fans with shrines and voo-doo dolls and fervent prayers asking for release from this land of morale stomping, and really truly unimaginative offense, your luck is turning. The Saints are bringing you some serious ju-ju, monkey hands, and gris-gris, just for you. But you still are in the serious hunt for the Moldy Carpet. EDGE: GAGUARS

Floppers (0-3) at San Diego (2-1)

Name the Miami coach. I dare you. Pretty soon you won’t have to. EDGE: FLOPPERS

THE REST OF THE PILE UP OF FUMBLING INEPTITUDE

Donkeys (1-2) at Packers (3-0)

Blowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwout of the Week. Denver fans, just pray that Tony Sparano (that’s his name!) keeps his job in Miami until at least Week VII. That’s your next shot at a victory. Clean your garage on Sunday, OK? EDGE: Donkeys

Deadskins (2-1) at Lambs (0-3)

The Lambs really are showing how it’s done. 8 years without a winning record is not something to be sniffed at. In fact, I’d stand back a couple yards. Averaging 1 touchdown and nearly 3 fumbles a game, the Lambs are scraping the bottom of the league in every catergory, except punts per game, a lowly 6.5. But the good old Bungle Axiom- A fumble is As Good as A Punt- applies here. Also, getting sacked 4 times a game ain’t chopped liver. Shockingly, the Deadskins are going to 3-1. EDGE: Lambs

Bills (3-0) at Bungles (1-2)

Uh-oh. The quagmire at Brown Pall Stadium looms at the Bills. “Don’t leave us,” the Bungles cry. The Bills better wear earplugs, because the siren song of the Moldy Carpet is very loud in Cincinnati. I’m not kidding on this, this game is the biggest test of the year for these guys. The Bungles’ defense is ranked 5^th, but they’ve played mediocrity incarnate so far this year, so the jury is…being selected for the various Bungles who are out on bond. EDGE: Bungles

Giants (2-1) at Crudinals (1-2)

The Giant come into We’re Not the University of Phoenix Cardinals stadium and pummel the Crud. The Crud have improved their situation. They have more TDs than INTs, less sacks, and have crept up to 27^th in the league in offense. The don’t give up a lot of points (but a TON of yardage), but look at their competition: Pansies, Deadskins, Seahags. They won’t beat anybody except a Doormat or maybe a commie-pinko Parity team. The Giants are not enough parity at this time. EDGE: CRUD

And finally on Monday night, another game of national embarrassment:

Dolts (0-3) at Bootineers (2-1)

Winning record aside, Boots QB Josh Freeman is still averaging more interceptions than TDs, so he’s not gone all winner on us yet. Kerry Collins has thrown only 1 interception. And that’s it for the superlatives! EDGE: DOLTS

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!

NFL Week 4 Doormat Division Predictions

Yikings introduce new "on the knee"  formation

It's week 4 in the NFL and the basement denizens of the Doormat Division are still recovering from last week's epic displays of ineptitude and futility, not to mention the all-out head-first dives into the beer vat celebrating the exit of two teams from the basement: Buffalo and Detroit.

But now it's time for the Oracle from the Basement to speak again. We spin the frozen turkey and the headless neck points to these fateful scores. Gentlemen, make your predictions:

Pansie- 14
Care Bears- 10
(Yes, another mirage from last year, Chicago, will edge closer to the shadowy doorway to the basement. The surging Pansies just might push them down the steps)

Bills- 18
Bungles- 10

Titanics- 17
Brownies-13

Kittens- 36
Cowpies- 10

Yikings- 3
Cheeps- 0
(Stiff of the week)

Deadskins- 28
Lambs- 6

Ain'ts- 50
Gaguars-- 10

Giants- 18
Crudinals- 3

Patsiettes-21
Raydurz- 28

Buncos- 10
Packers- 36

Floppers- 10
Bolts- 18

Seahags-6
Falcons- 17

And that's how the turkey spins.....