NFL WEEK 16 WRAP-UP and PLAYOFF MIRAGE

DOORMAT NFC SORTED- BUCS WIN THE NFC! BILLS OUT OF PLAYOFFS 16 YEARS AND COUNTING! BROWNS ARE BACK! NFC SOUTH BATTLE THIS WEEK! MY DOG HAS FLEAS!

PUNTING RECORD for RAIDERS! EXCLAMATION POINT! 

THE BIGGEST  FOOTBALL-LIKE THING TODAY:

BUCS win the DOORMAT NFC 

BUCCANEERS 3, PACKERS 20  

Obviously inspired by last week's Cleveland (Doormat Gods) Browns, the Tampa Bay Bootineers whip out a game of near poetry against the Packers-  6 first downs, 107 total yards (147 yards passing minus 7 sacks for 54 yards, plus 16 yards rushing).  54 yards in sacks means the QB runs backward in the face of the rush. They had more penalty yards- 30- than rushing yards.  That's a LOT of reverse gearing. They left no doubt- thanks to the Deadskins' non-loss to Philadephia- the Boots WIN the Doormat NFC with a week to spare!  In honor of this occasion, the Bucs will be wearing their throwback orange unis next week.  

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 16
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF 

x-Tampa Bay    2-13             257      387     -130

Washington     4-11              284      394     -110

Chicago          5-10              310      429     -119

NY Giants        6-9               354      366      -12

New Orleans    6-9               378      404      -26

AFC             

Tennessee        2-13            231       390    -159 

Oakland           3-12            213       381     -168 

Jacksonville     3-12            211       376     -165    

NY Jets            3-12            230       360     -130

Cleveland        7-8              276       300     -24

REDSKINKS/SUNBURNS/NATIVES 27, EAGLES 24

Benching your once-franchise quarterback for 3 weeks with a totally mediocre QB, and then putting your QB back in is not a formula for success in the Doormat- especially when Mark Sanchez is under rump for the opposition. RGB-three-p-o returns and torches the Eagles, while Sanchez continues his blaze of 14 turnovers in 7 games, and those aren't wasted turnovers, folks. Those are on-the-money game-killing turnovers. The result is the Deadskins lose out on their chance at being the worst team in the NFC, something they haven't done since...oh, that's right, LAST YEAR.

AFC LOGJAM

Despite the Tennessee Titans move into sole possession of the AFC Division in the Doormat, the Jets, Jags and Raiders still have a shot at the Moldy Carpet, and we're holding our breath until the full force of the bong hit lands in our- I mean UNTIL next week when all will be revealed...like smoke clearing from a hacking exhale.

RAIDERS 26, BUFFALO 24 

It is only fitting that the team with the second-longest playoff drought knocks the team with the longest playoff drought out of playoff contention. 16 years and counting for the the Nils, and the Raiders, of course, make it 13.*  The Silver and Blacked Out have won their last 3 home games, and who wouldn't with that crazed crowd bellerin' at the top of their lungs through 30,000 Halloween costumes and decidedly working class fervor. What a scene. The Raiders should not move. Raider QB Derek Carr looks like the real deal, and, despite still being in contention to win the Moldy Carpet, this team is playing with a lot of fire- when at home- and aren't behaving like a dysfunctional football team. They need to win next week at Denver (maybe they'll rest Peyton) and give a more deserving doormat a shot at the Moldy Carpet. Special note:  Raider punter Marquette King has 100 punts, the Raider record. He'll need 14 more to tie the NFL record, which is imposs-  let's just see what happens next week.

*see our previous post for longest playoff droughts.  None of the teams on the list will make the playoffs this year.

JAGS 21, TITANS 13

The Jags can't stay with the Titans, and they know it.  They'd probably clobber the Bucs, as well.  The London Jaguars can still win it, though, as these teams have split their season series, and the tie-breaker is point differential.  Titans play the Colts next week- Colts tend to clobber bad teams and lose huge to good teams (see yesterday), and the Jags travel to Houston, who only need to win and the entire league to lose next week in order to make the playoffs.

BROWNS 13, CAROLINA 17

The Panthers, led by mostly disassembled Cam Newton, shove the Blank Helmets into the Basement, and we're LOVING it.  Was it only 7 weeks ago the Brownies were 6-3, had just defeated the Bengals and were living large at the top of the AFC North-Central-Mid-muckluck?  It was!  They've gone 1-5 since, slowly dismantling into dysfunction and next week at Baltimore should wrap up this disaster of a season at 7-9. We make room on the orange couch for this grand Patriarch, who can regale the rest of the acolytes in the Basement for the whole winter.  Cozy up to our crummy space heater, Brownie fans- next year Johnny Party-Down will be leading the Blank-ness into the blizzard. Chew on that dog bone, Dawg Pound.

JETS 16, PATRIOTS 17

The Nyets made it close, and that's close enough. Rex Ryan should be fired- I mean, just because he's never had a good QB in his entire coaching career should not factor into this. Now that the Raiders have found a QB (which they had not done through the draft since the 19th century), it's the Jets that lead the way with disastrous draft choices at the position. Next week's loss: at Miami. Good God, they might win that game- you can bet all of New York is rooting for the faceplant and a shot at Marcus Mariota...who kinda fits their model for draft choices, though a better version. Scary pick for the Jets.

DA BARES 14, DETROIT 21

Chicago at least ties with Cleveland for best 2nd half of season tank job, and wins for team dysfunction. The leaked coaching staff comments about QB Jay Cutler are the tip of the iceberg.  They can only finish 5-11, but considering they were 3-3 at one point, I say Job Well Done!

VIKINGS 35, MIAMI 37

4th down.  Just over a minute to go.  Tie game.  You have to punt from your own end zone.  How about just hiking the ball in the dirt, and the punter gets the boot blocked out of the end zone for a safety?  Game over!  The Yikes may be a disappointment here in the basement, but they can still make the 10 Club with a loss..but here come Da Bares to what I hope is just a total freezer of a game at the Golden Gopher Hole. Yikes will have to go all out to lose that one.  I kinda doubt it.  

KANSAS CITY 12, PITTSBURGH 20

Ok, the Cheaps still have a winning record, but Alex Smith STILL hasn't thrown a TD pass to a wide receiver all season.  And they just look like the most boring team on earth. 

49-WHINERS 35, CHARGERS 38 (OT)

Exploding out to a 28-7 first half lead, the Kings of the 2nd Half Collapse do their biggest stinker of the year, and the Chargers are alive in the playoff hunt.  Man, those halftime sessions have just got to be the best Doormat speeches ever devised by people pretending to be people, and delivering a message of platitudinous tune-out to people they almost think of as people.

RAH RAH RAH BLAH BLAH!!

Also, 49ers win, by a humongous margin, for worst expensive seat fans.  They call it the Red Hole, because there is nobody there, and it is at the 50 yard line on both sides of the field, and they're all underground in the lounge, sitting on plush seats and discussing stock margins and feeding on the little people.  What a dump.

NFC SOUTH

Carolina vs. Atlanta for all the marbles this week.  7-8-1 or 7-9, win a Division and host a playoff game.  Doormat Glory!   

ONE MORE WEEK TO GO TO THE FINISH LINE FOR THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET!!!

aaaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!  

Doormat Week 13: RAIDERS TAKE CHARGE!!

MAKE WAY FOR THE KING

RAIDERS 0,  RAMS 52
Leaving no doubt about who is the worst team in the league, in perhaps the most phenomenal defeat in their history (the 1961 55-0 loss to Houston included), the Oakland Raiders played the worst game I've ever seen a pro football team play.  In a complete implosion after their lone victory 10 days ago, the Silver and Blacked Out pulled out all the stops:  5 turnovers. Linebackers falling for fakes that don't work in Little Guy football. QBs running for their lives. Running plays to nowhere. The dinkiest dink passes known to human-kind. A barrage of 3-and-outs in the first half.  Four 3rd-and-1 play calls- sideline pass plays- that had no chance of converting into a first down. 3 of those the first 3 possessions.  For all the world it looked intentional. When you have the biggest moose at fullback in the entire league, Marcel Reese, and you do not run him on 3rd and a yard, there is really something systemically planned going on. Add to this a hysterical chaos that is sometimes called a defensive backfield on other football teams, and you get a hail of touchdowns racked up so fast, the Rams had their biggest lead of the season (14-0) for only about 2 minutes before it got doubled.  The Raiders didn't play defense- they held a charity event.  The Raider 'D' took more bad angles than the drunks down at my local billiard hall.

And just when the avalanche seemed to have stopped, the Blacked Out pulled out forgotten big off-season pick-up Matt Schaub at QB, threw him into the fray, and Matt delivered the cherry-on-top pick-six in the 4th quarter, getting the Rams over the half-century mark.  Pop the champagne!

Raiders coach Tony Sporano said the Blacked Out weren't sharp all week. Not sharp? Coach, coach, COACH.  That was the greatest Doormat performance possible. Sporting the worst Turkey Day hangover of all time must be recognized, but this kind of bad takes at least 2, maybe 3 years of prep, and the Raiders have made it.  Once they got ol' tiresome Al out of the way, and his boob of a son Mark got ahold of the team, it's been a hard charge into the biggest sinkhole in the history of Commitment to Excellence.

The Raiders, the worst team in football for the last 11 years, are now the Worst Team in Football RIGHT NOW.  Mission Accomplished.

Let's have a look at the standings, and then let's skewer the other games:

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 13
 

NFC               W-L              PF       PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-10              220      314       -94

Washington     3-9                244      322       -78 

NY Giants       3-9                257      319        -62

Carolina           3-8-1             228      337       -85

Minnesota        5-7                233      257       -24

AFC             

Oakland           1-11              176      337      -161            

Jacksonville      2-10             186     329      -143

NY Jets             2-10             190      319      -129

Tennessee        2-10              213      338      -125

*Houston           6-6

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

GIANTS 24, JAGUARS 25
In this huge Doormat tilt, staked to a 21-0 lead by the Jaguars, the New York Gnats turn it around with TWO fumbles- one in their end zone and the other run back 41 yards- for Jaguar touchdowns, thus saving the Jags the bother of having to move the football, which is usually not on the clipboard.  The Giants make sure they don't get the last field goal, they hit 7 straight losses, lose to the #2 team in the Doormat, and keep within a game of Tampa Bay in the NFC.  Pow!

BUCS 13,  BENGALS 14
Bengals QB Andy Dalton really really tried, but 3 interceptions will not do it against the Bootineers, not when first place is there for the taking, and 10 losses are on the line. Faced with a first and goal after an interception, and the lead 7 yards away, the Boots refuse to move into the end zone, kick a field goal, and come up 1 point short.  Arr!  The Boots walk their own plank.

DEADSKINS 27, COLTS 49
This was like a college game, where the really bad team somehow stays with the much better team until early in the 3rd quarter, and then they just can't keep up.  The Sunburns run out of gas, hit the gatorade table, and come up with the big loss.  Only one game out of first in the Doormat NFC.

TITANS 21,  ASTROS 45
I mean, the TEXANS.  If you can make Texan QB Ryan Fitzpatrick wind up with a 147.5 rating, you are really really...really scraping the bottom of the tallow bin, baby.  Titanics get Houston out to a 24-0 lead, bring in once-upon-a-time franchise QB Jake Locker, and Jake whips out two INTs and a fumble.
Titanics make it to 10 losses as well.  Glub!

FALCONS 29, CARDINALS 18
The Falcons accidentally got out to a 17-0 lead, had no idea how to respond, and couldn't get back on track.  Cardinal QB Drew Stanton finished being an effective stand-in QB 3 weeks ago, and the Falcons had no response.  Holy Cow, Atlanta won a game.  SCREEECH!

PANTHERS 13, VIKINGS 31
Finally, the Minnesota Vikes played a cold weather game in Minneapolis for the first time since Martin Van Buren was president. And guess what?  They won!  Today's only palindrome score, the Vikings get whacked with TWO easy punt blocks, which they run in for scores, and they cannot recover.  Getting ahead of the Pansies 21-3 is murder.  You're not going to lose.  Cam Newton has you right where he wants you.

aaaAAAaAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!

Doormat Division: NFL Week 9 Wrap-Up and Punt

It's time to get into the Holiday Spirit, and who is more giving than the Kansas City Cheaps?!

Nobody.  Need a win?  Call the Cheaps!  Need to turn your season around?  Put the Cheaps on your schedule.  Need to pad your turnovers to the plus side?   The Cheaps.   Want to fool yourself into thinking your defense has finally 'come around'?   Hands down, the Cheaps are redefining charity in the NFL, and they don't even have to wear pink.

But they've still got some competition.

DOORMAT STANDINGS NFL WEEK 9

AFC

KANSAS CITY       1-7          -107

JACKSONVILLE   1-7           -102

CLEVELAND         2-7          -42

TENNESSEE           3-6          -126

BUFFALO               3-5          -68

OAKLAND             3-5          -58

NFC

CAROLINA            2-6           -31

WASHINGTON     3-6            -22

PHILADELPHIA   3-5            -50

ST. LOUIS              3-5           -49

DALLAS                3-5           -31

NEW ORLEANS   3-5           -11

THE GAMES  NFL WEEK 9

We set out the snacks yesterday and settled in for the entertainment.

AFC

CHIEFS 13,  CHARGERS 31

The Cheaps still haven't led a game for one second.  They have a chance to catch the Detroit Lions of the 90's for worst turnover give/take (-21) numbers,  currently at -18.   They picked up 2 more on the negative side on Thursday and now continue their Hospitality Tour next week in Steeltown.   The Chargers get to look like the Atlanta Falcons for one game, and Norv Turner saves his job for another week.

 JAGUARS 14,  LIONS 31

The Lions rush for 149 yards and roll up 434 yards of offense.   Jags do nothing until staking Lions to 24-0 lead, waiting for the 2nd string D for Detroit to get in the game and not be so mean.  Jags keep pace with Cheaps, which is just going to get harder every week.

BROWNS  15,  RAVENS 25

The Brownies nearly threatened to win this game.  Going 0-5 in the red zone, the Blanks rely solely on the foot of Phil Dawson and 5 field goals to ensure coming out on the losing side of the contest.  They briefly snagged the lead in the 4th quarter, but would have needed 4 more field goals to pull it out.    Are the Brownies bad enough to still win the Moldy Carpet?  They only punted 4 times yesterday, so their 'loser' index is going down.  But it's them, the Jags and KC that still rule the red zone futility.  So, hang in there, fans, they still have a shot, but it's a long one.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

TITANS 20,  BEARS 51

I really have to stop making predictions when I've had 10 cups of coffee off the grill on the patio and find myself laughing at my own picks.   The Monsters of the Mediocre find the Titanics in a party mood in Memphis, handing out blocked kicks and interceptions for touchdowns in the first quarter like they were candy.  Countering craftily with a safety, and enough Titanic fumbles to impress Michael Vick,  it was 28-2 after 1 quarter, dispensing with needing to take the rest of the game seriously, and giving their fans the afternoon off.   You can always come home early and surprise the kids and snag some of their beer before it's gone.   

RAIDERS 32, BUCCANEERS 42

We had this one on in the Basement, and, honestly, it's hard to say sarcastic things about Carson Palmer.  The Raiders are gawdawful in the 3rd quarter, being outscored 88-24 so far this year in that period, and yesterday it was 21-0!  Whatever they are saying in the locker room at halftime, they gotta stop.  But Palmer.  The guy went nuts in the 4th quarter, throwing 3 TD passes and brought the Raiders back from 28-10 to trailing by just 35-32 with 3:51 left.   But then....the killer interception that had no business being thrown.  Palmer really does offer up this specialty alarmingly often.  And just for good measure, he threw another one on the next possession to make it clear it was no mistake.  Bucs have now scored over 30 points in 4 straight games.   I think they are exiting Doormat Land.

The 'revitalized' Oakland defense, coming off two bracing victories against Doormat Kings Jacksonville and KC, leaves the field for the entire game and Bucs RB Doug Martin piles up 251 yards averaging 10 yards per carry.  Bucs looked like Oregon yesterday.

BILLS 9,  TEXANS  21

Remember last year at this time?  The Bills were 5-2 and were BACK.   They were scoring tons of points, people were asking when we would take their logo off the masthead.   They won just 1 more game the rest of the season, finished 6-10, and we didn't have to do nothin'.

Now?  They still run up the score sometimes, but they are giving up a TON of points, and after last week's bye, the Nils saw the writing on the wall and come out flat and get flattened.   They should make the '10' club no problem (10 losses).    

NFC 

You know, the NFC just isn't doing it like the AFC this year.  If the Pansies are the worst thing the NFC can offer up, it's gonna be no contest when the Toilet Bowl flushes in February.  On the other hand, there's a couple teams that may never win again this year.

PANTHERS 21, REDSKINS 13

Cam Newton plays a solid game and lets RGB III do the losin' this week.    Panthers fall out of the elite category and vault to 2-6, but still maintain lead in NFC.

DESCENT!!

CARDINALS 17,  PACKERS 31

The Crudinals came out of the gate 4-0, and have now lost 5 straight.   4-5 and elbowing their way down to the Lambs.  4-12?  Why not?

EAGLES 13,  SAINTS 28

Finally, Andy Reid gets himself fired.  The Eagles don't know desperate.   Saints do.

The Feebles are only a game out of first in the Doormat NFC.  With Reid out of the way, the sky's the limit.   Aints scrape up to 3-5.  Ships passing in the night.

COWBOYS 13, FALCONS 19

Thirteen was THE number yesterday, and the Cowboys nailed it.   Can Jerry Jones fire somebody today?  

Our seasoned pros, the Lambs, were on vacation yesterday.  They bring their special brand of Doormat action to San Francisco this week.  Woo-Hoo!!

NFL WEEK 9 WORST STATS

Points              9     Nils

First Downs    12   Titans ( finally somebody beats the Giants.  I'm tired of a winning team getting this.)

Yards              182  Giants

Rush               22    Raiders

pass               44    Vikings

Turnovers      raspberry, or apple if they're out    5-  Titans

INT                3     Raiders

Fumbles         6-4   Titans   wow.

Red Zone       0-5   Browns

Low Passer    37.3   Ponder,  Vikings

Sacked           7-46   Eagles

3rd down conv given up:     13-19   Dolphins

3rd dwn conv:  2-11  Buffalo

Punts:  8     Cardinals

Penalties:  14-116   Buccaneers

This should be big enough for the fans at KC now.

Doormat Division WEEK IV Wrap-up and Jettison

WHAT AT WEEKEND!! We’ve still got 4 teams with perfect records (winless), we’ve got someone new joining the party, and we’ve got our old standbys keepin’ it real. But let’s start off with a huge salute to the worst performance this year, and maybe for a while:

TEAM OF THE WEEK!!

Honors this week go to the NEW YORK JETS (Junks? Biplanes? Pipers?), as they turn in the stinker of the season while losing to 34-17 to the Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes. It’s not even close. Look at these numbers: 7 first downs, 8 punts, 5 fumbles (3 lost), 1 Int, and 3 turnovers run back for touchdowns by the Ravens. 150 TOTAL yards.

The Jets fumbled on the first play from scrimmage which the Ravens scooped up and ran in. You just can’t play a whole lot worse, without scripting it. 9 penalties, 3.2 yards per pass. The only blemish on this performance is the kickoff return for a TD and an INT for a TD. That’s 5 TDs not scored by an offense. 1 TD on offense by the Ravens. I’ve actually never heard of a game like this. I wonder if there has ever been a game where all the points were scored on defense.

The Jets tried! Mark Sanchez has a Bungle-worthy game of epic proportions. Let’s not forget the Ravens got 7 turnovers out of the Steelers in Week I.

Whew!

COME FROM AHEAD

Cowpies 30, Lions 34

It’s weird to write LIONS, no?

As long as you have Tony Romo on your team, you can pull defeat from the jaws of victory on any given Sunday. Bonehead Tony does it again! With his team ahead 27-3, the prince of the Bonehead Forest throws it so hard into reverse, Jerry Jones got whiplash. TWO consectutive possessions- two INTs returned for TDs. And then, deep into the fourth quarter, Romo throws another INT to set up the final Detroit score.

Cowpies may be 2-2, but boy can they do Doormat when they get motivated.

Cheaps 22, Yikings 17

The crucial battle between winless Doormat powerhouses nearly hit paydirt on the Stiff-o-Meter, but were edged out by the Lambs- Deadskins for boredom. Technically, this game counts as a come-from-ahead, as the Yikes had a 10-9 lead in the 3^rd quarter. But it was a half-hearted effort on that score. But the Yikes came through as predicted, and pretty much slogged their way through the whole game. The Cheaps kick 5,000 field goals and win their first game. Who wants Andrew Luck more? Yikings do.

Crudinals 27, Giants 31

You know, I think we should have a lock-out shortened preseason every year, if we’re going to get defensive breakdowns like this all the time. Ahead 27-17 with 5:16 left in the game, the Crudinals whip out their Doormat membership card and pull off a come from ahead loss that would be amazing if there weren’t so many teams doing it. The Cruds can score, and that’s new. But whenever they switch to their Orange Cone pass defense, coupled with an increasing ability to get the crucial penalty call, they can still nail down the loss better than just about anyone in the NFC. Except for you-know-who. Look to the Arch.

0-fer-Niners 24, Beagles 23

Is this a changing of the guard Doormat game? The lowly Niners, showing clear signs of having inspired, level-headed coaching, and my isn’t that a shock around here, score 21 unanswered points in Philadelphia, rallying from oblivion, and send the Beagles to 1-3, while the O-fers rocket to 3-1 in the NFC Worst, which pretty much wraps up the divisional title. I can’t say ADIOS yet to the Niners, because…I just can’t. But can we give a warm beer welcome to the Beagles? They travel to Buffalo next week. Let’s wait one more game.

JUST PLAIN UN-UNBEATABLE

Lambs 10, Redskins 17

Remember when the Lambs were an up-and-coming team? Didn’t they go 8-8 last year and just miss the playoffs? No, they didn’t. They went 7-9 and got edged out by the team that thinks they are going to get Andrew Luck. Well, guess what, you Seahag pretenders to the Moldy Carpet? The pride of the Doormat Division the St. Louis Lambs, are on a ROLL. Stiff-of-the-Week honors goes to this game. A Punt-Fest of dueling losers! 20 first downs TOTAL. 15 punts, 19 penalties, six fumbles…whew, when did they find the time to get some Gatorade? Every time you think you can sit down for a moment and send some tweets, you gotta get back out on the field. Geez.

The Lambs open the game by punting on 7 of their first 8 drives, with a fumble tossed in, and that’s 3 quarters of football right there. Lambs QB Sam Bradford runs for his life all day, and fails- 7 sacks, a season high. Lambs scrape out 172 yards of total offense…totaled offense. Lambs 0-4 and heading into a bye week.

Floppers 16, Chargers 26

Miami is now 0-4 and really just plays bad enough to lose every game. They get a week off now, and this gives them a chance to systematize the method. They have tough losses to eek out against the Jets and Donkeys coming up.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Bungles 23, Nils 20

That’s right, they’re the Nils this week. We didn’t predict the loss, but we sure knew going into Brown Pall Quagmire Stadium was going to be extremely difficult. A half-full-stadium, the quiet soporific effect of the trash blowing in the wind….it just makes you kinda sleepy you know? The Bungles pull to 2-2 on a last second field goal, and the Nils are reminded that the Bad Old Days aren’t over yet.

Pansies 29, Bears 34

I gave the Pansies the chance to have their first miracle finish game, as Capt. America is going to have a few. But not so fast. The Pansies are still the Pansies, and the only teams they are going to beat are Doormats, or the NY Jets. No matter how many points they score, the other team will be given more. It’s like a social program. Also, for all his heroics, Newton not doing well on 3^rd down- 2 for 12 on conversions.

Donkeys 23, Packers 49

And we’re right again on Blow Out of the Week. Not that it was hard to predict. I hope you Denver fans got your garages cleaned out and stuff. You team sure got cleaned out.

Seahags 28, Falcons 30

Seahags almost play a good game, but still nail down the loss.

Gags 10, Saints 23

Boredom in Jacksonville. Keep praying to those Fire Del Rio shrines, Gaguarians. Someday, your prayers will be answered.

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWS

Points: 10 Lambs, Gags

First downs: 7 Jets

Yardage: 150 Jets

Rush 38 Jets

Pass 12 Jets

3^rd down con. 2-12 Pansies

Turnovers 4 Jets

Sacked 7 Lambs

Punts 8 Lambs

Penalties 11-118 Crudinals

Doormat Division 2011 Preview

THE DOORMAT DIVISION 2011 PREVIEW!!!!

Welcome to 2011 every single fan of flailing failure and futility!

See that photo? Memorize that number and name, because it has everything to do with who will be hugging (well, holding at arm’s length) the Moldy Carpet come next January.

The Run to the Moldy Carpet is just two more embarrassing preseason games away, and we’ve decided to give it a new name:

The Andrew Luck Sweepstakes

The big question on everyone’s mind: how many games into the season is it reasonably acceptable to start tanking every game? Without being obvious. It’s going to be an extremely hard fought race to the basement this year, because Mr. Luck is every fan’s and GM and coach's wet dream, daydream, late morning fantasy, early evening staring off into space at the dinner table… I’ve watched this guy live a couple times, and he’s Jim Plunkett and Bart Starr and Johnny Unitas and Tom Brady and Big Ben and…okay he’s not Ben Rothlisberger. Who Cares? I haven’t seen a kid throw with that kind of timing and accuracy and daring since…..Dan Fouts for Oregon waaaay back in the 70’s.

He can throw the uncanny 45 yard heave. It’s so Plunkett.

So who is preparing now for next year’s preseason already? Already putting on extra cologne are the San Francisco 0-for-9ers. 49er fans who aren’t catching on are angry that Alex Smith is the starting QB. People, people! He’s cannon fodder for the next 16 games. Should he survive. We WANT him dropping back and throwing low into the line for the WHOLE season. And, the Niners have the tools to take it all the way: No defensive secondary. NONE. Their offensive line is sooooo bad at blocking that next year's anti-concussion rules will be called the Smith Rule. There is NO left tackle. It’s not even on the depth chart. They have an orange cone taking care of business over there in Alex’s in blind spot. That and a 5’7” fullback. Woo-hoo!!

Add to this coach Jim Harbaugh, Luck’s coach for the last 3 years down on the Farm at Stanford. Here, kitty kitty. Combine this with the stupidest ownership team in football (well, the Pansies are maybe ahead here, give credit where credit is due), and the cocktail is looking pretty good for a LOT of losing. You should have seen Harbaugh’s face somewhere in the second quarter of the Texan’s blowout of the Red and Gold last weekend. It was, clearly, the “OH CRAP we’re screwed here” look. You're not screwed, Jim- just good positioning for the future.

Advice to Mr. Luck- don’t go all Peyton Manning and refuse to play for whoever drafts you just so you can reunite with coach Harbaugh. Go all Peyton Manning and refuse to play for whoever has the worst O-line.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Predictions based on hearsay, stats, gut feelings, and tradition:

Detroit Kittens: Put your money on these guys as this year’s longshot to make the Super Bowl. Not win it, but get there. At least making the NFC Championship game. The Kittens, unless made-of-glass QB Stafford goes down in 2 weeks and Sean Hill has to take over, are a wild card playoff team, and will put some heat on the Packers. I can’t say Adios Bro-Cha-Chos yet, but I’ve got the confetti and balloons all ready. The defense has improved enough so they won’t get all pooped out mid-third quarter and blow the games anymore. Look for some of the wildest, highest scoring affairs in the league from these guys this year. Finish: 10-6

Cincinnati Bungles: Carson Palmer held out. Now, that’s just ridiculous. The Bungles should be just as bad as ever. Nothing to see here folks. Does Cincinnati have a hockey team? No? Gonna be a long winter. Finish: 2-14

Carolina Pansies: Cam Newton is QB. Cam Newton is QB. Cam Newton is QB. Just keep saying that, and maybe you can visualize an entire team. It’s your only hope. Your owner is completely nuts. He’s weirder than Al Davis, and he doesn’t have the excuse of being 1000 years old. Finish: 3-13

Kansas City Cheaps: Last year’s biggest playoff phonies, the Cheaps aren’t pretending anymore. It’s back to the basement! So far, they still have NO offense. 23 points in 3 preseason games!! Keep that up and they can set the record for lowest point average all time, de-throning the Atlanta Falcons. These guys need Andrew Luck real bad. Finish: 1-15

St. Louis Lambs: The NFC Worst, the only division EVER to have a champ with a losing record (thank you Seattle goodnight!), is up for grabs. There is no reason we can’t have another losing team take the division. The Lambs are floating to the top, since the other 3 are all-in on the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes. Lambs are still Doormats- but they have an actual QB. Finish: 8-8

Buffalo Nils: Fast becoming a Doormat stalwart, the Nils…the Nils played a lot of close games last year. Have they gotten better? Are they in shape? Can they still breathe in the 4^th quarter? We won’t find out until week 5, when the excitement of the new season drains away, and the stench off Lake Erie comes wafting across the city. Likely Andrew Luck contestant. Finish: 5-11 with potential to win 8.

Cleveland Brownies: Year 2 of Mike Holmgren as GM. Year 3 is put up or shut up. The goal for these clowns is to get out of the 10-loss club. Colt McCoy official designated run-for-your-life Brownie. Finish: 6-10

Indianapolis Dolts: Or is that the Charger’s nickname? No matter, they won’t need it. But, without Peyton Manning, these guys will. Last year the ONLY thing they had going for them was the sheer will of Peyton Manning. If he can’t go, it’s CURTAINS for this team and WELCOME TO THE BASEMENT!!!! We’ve got a spot for them right at the wet-bar. When will they join the Andrew Luck sweepstakes, realizing that Peyton is getting old? Finish: 3-13

Arizona Crudinals: Their last two preseason games are Doormat warm-ups, Denver and Carolina. Hey they could finish the preseason 3-2 and give false hopes to every retiree in Arizona. Derek Anderson is gone (he’s on the Pansies!!! WOW!!!!), and so perhaps they now have a QB who doesn’t two-skip it to the tight end. These guys are Andrew Luck Sweepstakes people, because they are still squinting in hopes that Kurt Warner is actually taking snaps. Finish: 2-14

Oakland Raydurz: After the fight-o-rama at Candlestick Park, where 3 people got shot in the parking lot after an afternoon of incredible ugliness, the Raydurz follow it up with a 40-20 loss to New Orleans, which was an IMPROVEMENT over the 49er game. Why? Nobody got shot. These guys are going backwards. Finish: 6-10

Denver Donkeys: Last year’s AFC Doormat Champs, these guys are so bad, Tim Tebow is not starting. I can’t imagine these guys crawling out of the pit. Finish: 5-11

Houston Texass-tons: Texans have an offense that will rip apart every mediocre or bad team in the league, and have a pass rush. These guys are leaving the 10 club. Finish: 9-7.

Two more warm-up games (which look painfully like the regular season for Doormat Fans) before the losing begins in earnest. 2 more games to say ‘we’re working out the kinks.’ And then all those missed assignments and poor line communications will settle in like a fog over the stadium, obscuring the win column, and the upper reaches of the standings. So, stock the fridge, and set your remote on STUN, because you are going to need some strong numbing powers to make to the finish line this year. And may the Worst team Win.

aaaaAAAAAAAAAND That’s the View from the Basement!!!!