DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 4 WRAP UP!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK FOUR WRAP-UP

There is only ONE un-victorious team left, the illustrious Detroit Kittens, and tonight they have a chance to separate themselves from the rest of the NFL and reach 0-4.  They’re at Seattle, so things look good.  The Seahags haven’t been perfect, but the Lions have, so we’ll go with the Kitties pulling down an L and making it a thing of beauty.

And, in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s the Year of the Penalty.  Buffalo logged in yesterday with 17 for 135 yards the Jets with 14 for 163, though those were Imperial Yards.   That’s an insane amount of yardage and penalties.   The Jets won.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L         PF-PA

Kittens        0-3          56 – 83

Whiners     1-3           48 - 110

daBares     1-3           68 - 125

Boots         1-3           72 – 117

Aints          1-3           86 – 104

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Gaguars     1-3             62 – 107

Floppers    1-3             65 – 101

Brownies   1-3             85 -102

Cravens     1-3             93 - 104

Cheaps      1-3            100 -125

WEEK 4  WRAP UP

BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK

Texans 21, Falcons 48

It was 42-0 before the Falcons started choosing fans from the stands to play D.   The Toxins are rounding into shape, folks.  4 Turnovers, two returned for touchdowns.  Wow.

THE WILD FINISH

Jags 13, Colts 16 (OT)

There were a lot of close ones this week, teams pulling out last second losses in dire situations that could have ended in a demoralizing victory, but the Jags have no competition:  with the game tied with 6 seconds to go, placekicker Jason Myers sails one right- but WAIT the Colts called time out.  The Jags line up again and…Myers sails it again!  Overtime!  Then, the Jags got close enough for Myers to…hook one to the left.  Finally, out of options, the Colts kick a field goal themselves and just take the dingdong win.  Gags move into first place in the Doormat AFC.

Browns 27,  Chargers 30

The Chargers were game.  The Brownies actually scored points. But they pulled it off- a last second FG by the Blots keeps the Blank Helmet Dream moving.  Cleveland, you disappoint like nobody else.  And we love you for it.

DOORMAT EXHIBITION IN LONDON

Dolphins 14, Jets 27

I was worried when the Jags were not being sent back to represent the Doormat in London this year, but never fear, Florida has a surplus of talent in the Basement, and the Floppers delivered.  Pip pip!  Cheerio!  For he’s a jolly good punter!  Sadly, the Flops fired coach Philbin before he could even finish his fish and chips at Heathrow.  That’s no way to run a Doormat franchise..unless you are going to promote the guy all the players like on the coaching staff to run the team.  We’ll see.

DEATH MARCH SEASON

49ers 3,  Packers 17

After getting shelled two weeks in a row, this score at least looks close.  Don’t be fooled.  Though the 49er D played real football, the 49er offense is so bad that…they may not win another game.  I watched this one, and I don’t see how they will. The O-line can’t run block, can’t pass block, QB Kaepernick appears to have lost all his confidence, sailing balls out of bounds and scudding passes over the middle (‘scudding’ is bouncing the pass), visibly frustrated receivers, it’s all there.  48 points after 4 games is WAY OUT IN THE LEAD for lowest point total.   Not even Jacksonville can touch that, and that’s really really saying something. 

Also, Levi stadium really has a problem- there is nobody in the 50-yard line seats.  They call it the Red Hole (how charming), and it really looks weird when the cameras scan the seats.  It’s like a Division II college game being played there.  Oh, wait, I think I got it. 

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Raiders 20,  Bears 23

Coming into Chicago, riding a two game winning streak, the Raiders aren’t going to give up their Doormat Team of the Decade status easily.  They aren’t going to just hand it to daBares.  And they didn’t.  Kicking a FG with two seconds to go, daBears are forced to take the win, at home, when they could have effectively ended their season, and gone on a losing streak for the ages.  Tough luck, newbie. 

Bucs 23,  Panthers 37

Boots QB Jameis Winston gets it really going for TB with FOUR INTs – one a pick-six. 

Bucs toss in a fumble return for a Panther TD, and these guys look solid.  Only problem is their division has the Aints.  Says here the Aints win both of those.  Unless they already lost to them.  What do I know, I live in the basement with a broom closet for company.

Eagles  20,  Redskins 23

The wheels are coming off.  There is no spare.

Chiefs 21,  Bengals 36

7 Field goals by the Cheaps.  Good GOD.

THE WORST STATS FOR WEEK  4

Points:           3     49ers

First Downs:  8           49ers

Total Yards:  196         49ers

Passing:     96              Steelers

Rushing:   54               Texans 

Red Zone Failure:        0-whatever   Chiefs

Turnovers:  5               Bucs

Raspberry Turnovers (for TDs): 2      Bucs,  2  Texans

Punts:  8                      NYG

Penalties:  14/163        Jets   (9 teams had more than 80 yards in penalties. I have never seen that)

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

WEEK 14 PREVIEW: The DYSFUNCTION BOWL in OAKLAND!!

The PREVIEW NFL DOORMAT WEEK 14

You Gotta Fight, For Your Right, to Be the 

WORST TEAM IN THE BAY AREA

49ers at RAIDERS

They're calling it the Dysfunction Bowl in the Bay Area, though really the Niners' dysfunction isn't really nearly as impressive- it's just more high profile. The fact that beat writers are comparing the two teams as equals in this regard is really kind of insulting to all the careful long-term planning the Raiders have put into their current stature. This could play into the Raider's gameplan- as in being worse than last week.  This isn't really possible, but we all have our fantasies.  This game will be the most fun that an ugly game can be. People are dreading this game around here, because of the Doormat potential. I'm almost drooling for this game to start. Niners may just leave Coach Harbaugh at the foot of Mt. Davis, as the scuttlebutt is he's gonna be the coach there next year, anyway.  It would be a spectacular stink bomb if the Raiders can pull out a victory (I won't say upset) but I have no idea how they would do that.  It's up the Niners, isn't it?

EDGE to LOSE:  RAIDERS

TONIGHT:

DALLAS at CHICAGO

Looks like a quagmire for the Cows, what with the demoralizing loss at home to Philly last week.  Bears have only beat teams that beat themselves (including the Niners).  Can the Cows beat themselves?  Can Bear QB Jay Cutler continue to just wreck a drive and look permanently stoned?  I think the Cows are ready.  

EDGE to LOSE:  COWBOYS

SUNDAY:

COLTS at BROWNS

Yeah, the Brownies may be 7-5, but, until they get to win #9, they really aren't out of the Basement.

Right?  You know it.  They're just barely stayin' afloat.  And you KNOW this game is Brian Hoyer's last chance before Johnny Touchdown gets to start screwing up right ON THE FIELD. The Colts last three victories were:  Giants, Jags, Skins.  Can you really call it a victory when your opponent is trying to win the Moldy Carpet? No. It's going to be a wild one.

EDGE to LOSE:  COLTS

GIANTS at TITANS

With a pairing of these nicknames, it's GOTTA BE HUGE.  It really boils down to who can throw the best game killing interception deep in the red zone late in the game, or turn the ball over deep in their own territory....Hey that's the same team!

EDGE to LOSE:  GIANTS

PANTHERS at SAINTS

The Saints have decided they would rather finish 6-10 and go all the way to the Super Bowl (which will be cancelled) than relax on our couch and eat cold pizza with us.  That's OK by us, we're behind their plan all the way. The Pansies had the week off 2 weeks ago, but played like it was bye last week vs. the Vikes.  A true Doormat treats a bye like the season ended.  I think that's what the Pansies have done, started redecorated the rumpus room in the Basement.  

EDGE to LOSE:  PANTHERS

RAMS at WASHINGTON

For the last 7 games the Rams have been alternating wins and losses.  They won last week.  But the Skinheads are in full implosion.  Are the Rams licking their chops at blowing out another hapless bunch of disorganized boobs?  Or will they waltz into D.C. thinking this one's in the bag?  Rams have coach who comes up with actual working game plans (not the Doormat way).  I'm going to go way out on a tomahawk and declare the Rambos will win two games in a row.  I'm hyperventilating.

EDGE to LOSE:  SKINS

JETS at VIKINGS

Good God, the Vikings just can't catch a break!  How many even worse Doormat teams are there that they play?  Who came up with this schedule?  It's hopeless.  Another couple victories and it's off to Parity Purgatory. 

EDGE to LOSE:  JETS

BUCS at LIONS

Anytime you play at the Kat Box it's no gimme, but the Plankwalkers are ready to lose big after losing small last week.

EDGE to GET BLOWN OUT:  BUCS

ASTROS at JAGUARS

I mean, the Texans.  Jaguars won last week.  And that was against Eli Manning's brilliant red zone blowups. Texan QB Ryan Fitzpatrick had a great game last week, so he should be exhausted and imprecise this time.  Still, the Jags....they have no idea how to win 2 in a row.  

EDGE to LOSE:  Jags

MONDAY:  

FALCONS at PACKERS

A night game, in December, in Green Bay.  Great.  Falcons had huge victory last week and beat a team with a winning record for the first time all year.  They're going to get trounced.  Packers played the Super Bowl last week, as you know. So, they'll be less than sharp.  They going to trounce the Falcons.

EDGE to LOSE:  FALCONS

sit back, relax...or go race go karts!

-wacko

Doormat Week 13: RAIDERS TAKE CHARGE!!

MAKE WAY FOR THE KING

RAIDERS 0,  RAMS 52
Leaving no doubt about who is the worst team in the league, in perhaps the most phenomenal defeat in their history (the 1961 55-0 loss to Houston included), the Oakland Raiders played the worst game I've ever seen a pro football team play.  In a complete implosion after their lone victory 10 days ago, the Silver and Blacked Out pulled out all the stops:  5 turnovers. Linebackers falling for fakes that don't work in Little Guy football. QBs running for their lives. Running plays to nowhere. The dinkiest dink passes known to human-kind. A barrage of 3-and-outs in the first half.  Four 3rd-and-1 play calls- sideline pass plays- that had no chance of converting into a first down. 3 of those the first 3 possessions.  For all the world it looked intentional. When you have the biggest moose at fullback in the entire league, Marcel Reese, and you do not run him on 3rd and a yard, there is really something systemically planned going on. Add to this a hysterical chaos that is sometimes called a defensive backfield on other football teams, and you get a hail of touchdowns racked up so fast, the Rams had their biggest lead of the season (14-0) for only about 2 minutes before it got doubled.  The Raiders didn't play defense- they held a charity event.  The Raider 'D' took more bad angles than the drunks down at my local billiard hall.

And just when the avalanche seemed to have stopped, the Blacked Out pulled out forgotten big off-season pick-up Matt Schaub at QB, threw him into the fray, and Matt delivered the cherry-on-top pick-six in the 4th quarter, getting the Rams over the half-century mark.  Pop the champagne!

Raiders coach Tony Sporano said the Blacked Out weren't sharp all week. Not sharp? Coach, coach, COACH.  That was the greatest Doormat performance possible. Sporting the worst Turkey Day hangover of all time must be recognized, but this kind of bad takes at least 2, maybe 3 years of prep, and the Raiders have made it.  Once they got ol' tiresome Al out of the way, and his boob of a son Mark got ahold of the team, it's been a hard charge into the biggest sinkhole in the history of Commitment to Excellence.

The Raiders, the worst team in football for the last 11 years, are now the Worst Team in Football RIGHT NOW.  Mission Accomplished.

Let's have a look at the standings, and then let's skewer the other games:

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 13
 

NFC               W-L              PF       PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-10              220      314       -94

Washington     3-9                244      322       -78 

NY Giants       3-9                257      319        -62

Carolina           3-8-1             228      337       -85

Minnesota        5-7                233      257       -24

AFC             

Oakland           1-11              176      337      -161            

Jacksonville      2-10             186     329      -143

NY Jets             2-10             190      319      -129

Tennessee        2-10              213      338      -125

*Houston           6-6

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

GIANTS 24, JAGUARS 25
In this huge Doormat tilt, staked to a 21-0 lead by the Jaguars, the New York Gnats turn it around with TWO fumbles- one in their end zone and the other run back 41 yards- for Jaguar touchdowns, thus saving the Jags the bother of having to move the football, which is usually not on the clipboard.  The Giants make sure they don't get the last field goal, they hit 7 straight losses, lose to the #2 team in the Doormat, and keep within a game of Tampa Bay in the NFC.  Pow!

BUCS 13,  BENGALS 14
Bengals QB Andy Dalton really really tried, but 3 interceptions will not do it against the Bootineers, not when first place is there for the taking, and 10 losses are on the line. Faced with a first and goal after an interception, and the lead 7 yards away, the Boots refuse to move into the end zone, kick a field goal, and come up 1 point short.  Arr!  The Boots walk their own plank.

DEADSKINS 27, COLTS 49
This was like a college game, where the really bad team somehow stays with the much better team until early in the 3rd quarter, and then they just can't keep up.  The Sunburns run out of gas, hit the gatorade table, and come up with the big loss.  Only one game out of first in the Doormat NFC.

TITANS 21,  ASTROS 45
I mean, the TEXANS.  If you can make Texan QB Ryan Fitzpatrick wind up with a 147.5 rating, you are really really...really scraping the bottom of the tallow bin, baby.  Titanics get Houston out to a 24-0 lead, bring in once-upon-a-time franchise QB Jake Locker, and Jake whips out two INTs and a fumble.
Titanics make it to 10 losses as well.  Glub!

FALCONS 29, CARDINALS 18
The Falcons accidentally got out to a 17-0 lead, had no idea how to respond, and couldn't get back on track.  Cardinal QB Drew Stanton finished being an effective stand-in QB 3 weeks ago, and the Falcons had no response.  Holy Cow, Atlanta won a game.  SCREEECH!

PANTHERS 13, VIKINGS 31
Finally, the Minnesota Vikes played a cold weather game in Minneapolis for the first time since Martin Van Buren was president. And guess what?  They won!  Today's only palindrome score, the Vikings get whacked with TWO easy punt blocks, which they run in for scores, and they cannot recover.  Getting ahead of the Pansies 21-3 is murder.  You're not going to lose.  Cam Newton has you right where he wants you.

aaaAAAaAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 12: BARONS OF THE BASEMENT

JAGS MAKE THE "10 CLUB", TAKE OVER AFC DOORMAT LEAD!  FALCONS FLYING SO LOW IT'S UNDERGROUND! COME-FROM-AHEAD LOSSES FOR EVERYBODY!  RAIDERS ONLY DOORMAT TEAM TO WIN!

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION 
 

NFC               W-L              PF       PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay     2-9                207       300      -93 

NY Giants       3-8                233     294       -61

Washington     3-8                217      273      -56   

Carolina          3-7-1             215     300       -85

Minnesota       4-7                202      244      -42

Atlanta            4-7                262     281       -19

AFC                              

Jacksonville    1-10               161      305      -144

Oakland          1-10              176      285      - 109

NY Jets            2-8                174      265      -91

Tennessee        2-9                192      293      -101

Houston          5-6                 242     226       +16

QUICK HIT:  With their improbable (but predicted by nearly everyone) victory last Thursday over the Kansas City Chiefs, the Oakland Raiders have lost out on the quest for a perfect season. The Detroit Lions remain the only team to go 0-16, and the Tampa Bay Bucs still the only team to lose 26 straight games.  The Raiders did go 0-16, though it was over the course of 2 seasons.  It had been just slightly over a year since the Silver and Blacked Out won a game.  We here in the Basement watched the whole game, and nobody cheered louder for the beleaguered Raider franchise.  Hurrah for the Bumbling Barons of the Basement!

TONIGHT's NFC SOUTH CRITICAL ENCOUNTER:  Tonight the New Orleans Saints go for 4 straight losses at home (vs. Baltimore), and a share of the NFC South lead at the same time (with Atlanta at 4-7).  If they reach the lofty 4-7, that leaves 5 games to go, and would have to win ALL FIVE to finish with a winning record. If the Saints can blow it at home, the odds of the entire division having losing records are very very good.  The NFC Worst did it with Seattle and St. Louis 'winning' the division at 7-9 in 2010.  This year's crop in the South could easily beat that at 6-8.  History in the making, fans!

THE GAMES

JAGS 3, COLTS 23

Gaguars hold it to 11 first downs, loft 7 punts, INT leader Blake Bortles tosses an interception, and the defense wears down in the second half like it does every game, since the offense does nothing. It's an effective strategy, and the Gags are rewarded with FIRST PLACE in the Doormat AFC, unbelievably edging past the Silver and Blacked Out by the tie-breaker: point differential.  In all their illustrious years in the Basement, the Jags have never won the Doormat, and have never started a season 1-10.  Things are looking up.  Down.  Direction is irrelevant once you get comfortable in the naugahyde recliner in the Basement.  Huge challenge next week against the New York Giants at home.  HUGE. 

JETS vs. BILLS in DETROIT

Setting up Doormat special at the Kat Box is really fitting, don't you think?  Tickets are free! 

After yesterday's Puss-and-Boot-it exhibition in New England, any football game that isn't the Lions may be just the thing.  Jets need to lose to keep Raiders and Gags on the radar.

TITANS 24, EAGLES 43

The Titanics started taking on water on the kickoff- a 107-yard runback for an Eagles TD.  Pow! They never looked back. The Titanics may be down to their 4th-string QB with Mettenberger, but the dude throws for 345 yards and piles up 46 yards in sacks, throws an INT, and still only gets 16 first downs.  He's doing it all!  

Titanics still a healthy 2-9 and hot on the Raiders and Jags tails.

FALCONS 24, BROWNS 26

The Falcons had won two in a row. Not a chance they can intended to keep that up. Not when they are at home and can deflate an entire stadium.  Despite 3 interceptions from Cleveland's Brian Hoyer, it wasn't enough, as the Falcons blow another late lead and get the Browns set up for the game winning field goal as time expired.  Failcons are still only 2 games out of first in the Doormat, and only a 1/2 game out of first in the NFC South.  Living the hi-lo life!  

GIANTS 28, COWBOYS 31

Giants outplay Cowboys, turn in most amazing catch of the season (Beckham's snag of Manning bomb for TD wow), and still lose, giving up the lead with just 1 minute to go.  Whew that was close.  Gnats only 1 game out of first in the Doormat NFC. 

NATIVES 13, 49ers 17

The Santa Clara 49ers keep looking for somebody to lose to, and just can't hook up.  A team that could easily be 4-7 instead of 7-4, the Niners will just have to wait for their defense to catch up in ineffectiveness.  Perhaps next year.  The Deadskins roll on to 3-8 and look like they'll never win another game.  49ers forced to play meaningful game on Thanksgiving vs. the Seahawks.  The indignity.  

VIKINGS 21 PACKERS 24

Scary-close game, Yikings nearly pull out victory, but craftily pass on last-minute on-side kick, even though they were kicking off from the 50-yard line (Packer Penalty on two-Point Pass).  Packers hand off to Eddie Lacy, run out clock and Yikings yank the chance at victory out of their mitts and hand it to the Pack.  Well done and may the roasting of coach Zimmer in Minnesota be set to "char."

BUCCANEERS 13, DA BARES 21

Up against a real test, the Bootineers are shoved into the lead at halftime by Da Bares, 10-0.  How do you lose to a team that gets 12 first downs, punts 9 times, and amasses a whopping 204 yards of offense?  You hand them the ball inside your own 20 multiple times, of course.  2 of the 3 comeback TD drives in the 3rd quarter for Da Bares were 1 play drives, which the Bears, always toying with Doormat excellence, could not overcome. They scored. The Boots add in fumbling the ball after a reception for what would have been 1st and goal and you can nail down the loss without any qualms of conscience.  Nobody can say you didn't do your best. 

LAMBS 24, CHARGERS 27

These two flailing fountains of failure hooked up for 6 turnovers, 17 penalties, two defensive TDs and probably a hilariously entertaining kind of game Doormats should deliver.  Blame it on the shape of the ball. Lambs, as usual, return to losing after one of their giant-killer games.  

Only 5 weeks to go, now, folks!  It's anybody's cellar to claim!

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!

Doormat Division Week 12: Raideration

Can the Raiders go 0-16?  Will the Bucs and Raiders meet in Doormat Bowl V?  Will this be "Gruden Bowl II"?  Will the 'Curse of Chucky' be lifted?

 Ever since the Raiders lost to Jon Gruden and the Bucs in the Super Bowl 11 years ago, they've been the worst team in the NFL.  It's called the Curse of Chucky.  Gruden was fired as Raiders coach the previous year, the Bucs were calling out the Raiders plays before they ran them, and the Karma was a bitch.  Nothing less than a Doormat Bowl with attendant voodoo is going to change anything. 

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION 
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     2-8               194       279      -85 

NY Giants      3-7                205      263      -58

Washington    3-7                204      256      -52   

Carolina         3-7-1              215     300      -85

Minnesota      4-6                181      220      -39

AFC                              

Oakland          0-10              152      265      - 113

Jacksonville    1-9                158      282      -110

NY Jets           2-8                174      265      -91

Tennessee       2-8                168      250      -82

Buffalo           5-5                200      204       -4

 THE GAMES

KC at RAIDERS

Believe it or donut, this is the Raider's most dangerous game, wherein they could end up with a victory.  The Chiefs just won an emotional game vs. the Seahags, it's a short week, and next week they've got Denver. 

This game is it.  The team, as bad as they are, are playing hard.  KC-RAIDER games never have any relation to the standings, even if the current players could care less about the long-storied violent rivalry.  The fans care, and The Black Hole, a night game at Oakland Coliseum, will be rocking.  Turn up Al Davis' eternal flame to high, oh Silver and Blacked Out, your fearless leader is watching from the crypt at the Chapel of the Chimes (an extremely interesting place in Oakland, CA).   

EDGE TO LOSE:  CHIEFS!!!

BUCCANEERS at BEARS

Rainy and about 50º is the game-time weather prediction, so it won't be the meat locker we were hoping for, but the Bucs will still lose this game.  Both teams just won a game, so the violent struggle to be worse than the opponent will be spectacular.  Bucs far more experienced at not having winning streaks.

EDGE TO LOSE:  BUCS

TITANS at EAGLES 

Philly needs to get well on somebody, and the Titanics are in town. That's convenient. 

EDGE TO LOSE:  TITANS

BROWNS at FALCONS

Tough call.  Browns looked so truly back to the Basement last week, that it's hard to deny them another loss.  Falcons have a real quarterback...they just don't have anything else.  Atlanta crowds really know how to bring the apathy.

EDGE TO LOSE:  FALCONS

PACKERS at VIKINGS

The high TODAY will be 18º.  Should be raining and about 39º at game time Sunday, so not the freezer bowl we hoped for.  This will make it really rain footballs.  If the Packers don't win by 30 points, they will win by 40.

EDGE TO LOSE:  VIKINGS

JETS at BUFFALO

Can they find the stadium?  Is there a city under all that snow?  

EDGE TO LOSE:  JETS

RAMS at CHARGERS

Uh-oh.  Chargers gave up playing serious football weeks ago.  The Rams are in real danger of winning two in a row.  So far, they have followed up every big upset with a stinker.  Not this time.  They're losing touch with the Basement.

EDGE TO LOSE:  CHARGERS

JAGUARS at COLTS

It's trounce or be trounced for Indy.  The last four weeks, with alternating Wins and losses:  27-0, 51-34, 40-24, 42-20.   The Gags trot out the interception leader, Blake Bortles, and that's the deal breaker. Indy gets to do the trouncing.

EDGE to LOSE:  JAGUARS

SUNBURNS vs 49ers

The 49ers keep trying to help teams lose.  This time they get it right.  The Redskins employ some wild blitzing schemes, and generally the 49ers front 4 can't even stop a 3-man pass rush.  Give the Skins a pick-six and see what happens.

EDGE TO LOSE:  49ers.

enjoy your weekend with a shovel up in the Northeast.  The rest of us here in Oakland have to build the  Chucky Burning Man Effigy tower.  Al Davis' eternal flame will light it.  See you tonight in the Black Hole.