It's time to get into the Holiday Spirit, and who is more giving than the Kansas City Cheaps?!
Nobody. Need a win? Call the Cheaps! Need to turn your season around? Put the Cheaps on your schedule. Need to pad your turnovers to the plus side? The Cheaps. Want to fool yourself into thinking your defense has finally 'come around'? Hands down, the Cheaps are redefining charity in the NFL, and they don't even have to wear pink.
But they've still got some competition.
DOORMAT STANDINGS NFL WEEK 9
AFC
KANSAS CITY 1-7 -107
JACKSONVILLE 1-7 -102
CLEVELAND 2-7 -42
TENNESSEE 3-6 -126
BUFFALO 3-5 -68
OAKLAND 3-5 -58
NFC
CAROLINA 2-6 -31
WASHINGTON 3-6 -22
PHILADELPHIA 3-5 -50
ST. LOUIS 3-5 -49
DALLAS 3-5 -31
NEW ORLEANS 3-5 -11
THE GAMES NFL WEEK 9
We set out the snacks yesterday and settled in for the entertainment.
AFC
CHIEFS 13, CHARGERS 31
The Cheaps still haven't led a game for one second. They have a chance to catch the Detroit Lions of the 90's for worst turnover give/take (-21) numbers, currently at -18. They picked up 2 more on the negative side on Thursday and now continue their Hospitality Tour next week in Steeltown. The Chargers get to look like the Atlanta Falcons for one game, and Norv Turner saves his job for another week.
JAGUARS 14, LIONS 31
The Lions rush for 149 yards and roll up 434 yards of offense. Jags do nothing until staking Lions to 24-0 lead, waiting for the 2nd string D for Detroit to get in the game and not be so mean. Jags keep pace with Cheaps, which is just going to get harder every week.
BROWNS 15, RAVENS 25
The Brownies nearly threatened to win this game. Going 0-5 in the red zone, the Blanks rely solely on the foot of Phil Dawson and 5 field goals to ensure coming out on the losing side of the contest. They briefly snagged the lead in the 4th quarter, but would have needed 4 more field goals to pull it out. Are the Brownies bad enough to still win the Moldy Carpet? They only punted 4 times yesterday, so their 'loser' index is going down. But it's them, the Jags and KC that still rule the red zone futility. So, hang in there, fans, they still have a shot, but it's a long one.
BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK
TITANS 20, BEARS 51
I really have to stop making predictions when I've had 10 cups of coffee off the grill on the patio and find myself laughing at my own picks. The Monsters of the Mediocre find the Titanics in a party mood in Memphis, handing out blocked kicks and interceptions for touchdowns in the first quarter like they were candy. Countering craftily with a safety, and enough Titanic fumbles to impress Michael Vick, it was 28-2 after 1 quarter, dispensing with needing to take the rest of the game seriously, and giving their fans the afternoon off. You can always come home early and surprise the kids and snag some of their beer before it's gone.
RAIDERS 32, BUCCANEERS 42
We had this one on in the Basement, and, honestly, it's hard to say sarcastic things about Carson Palmer. The Raiders are gawdawful in the 3rd quarter, being outscored 88-24 so far this year in that period, and yesterday it was 21-0! Whatever they are saying in the locker room at halftime, they gotta stop. But Palmer. The guy went nuts in the 4th quarter, throwing 3 TD passes and brought the Raiders back from 28-10 to trailing by just 35-32 with 3:51 left. But then....the killer interception that had no business being thrown. Palmer really does offer up this specialty alarmingly often. And just for good measure, he threw another one on the next possession to make it clear it was no mistake. Bucs have now scored over 30 points in 4 straight games. I think they are exiting Doormat Land.
The 'revitalized' Oakland defense, coming off two bracing victories against Doormat Kings Jacksonville and KC, leaves the field for the entire game and Bucs RB Doug Martin piles up 251 yards averaging 10 yards per carry. Bucs looked like Oregon yesterday.
BILLS 9, TEXANS 21
Remember last year at this time? The Bills were 5-2 and were BACK. They were scoring tons of points, people were asking when we would take their logo off the masthead. They won just 1 more game the rest of the season, finished 6-10, and we didn't have to do nothin'.
Now? They still run up the score sometimes, but they are giving up a TON of points, and after last week's bye, the Nils saw the writing on the wall and come out flat and get flattened. They should make the '10' club no problem (10 losses).
NFC
You know, the NFC just isn't doing it like the AFC this year. If the Pansies are the worst thing the NFC can offer up, it's gonna be no contest when the Toilet Bowl flushes in February. On the other hand, there's a couple teams that may never win again this year.
PANTHERS 21, REDSKINS 13
Cam Newton plays a solid game and lets RGB III do the losin' this week. Panthers fall out of the elite category and vault to 2-6, but still maintain lead in NFC.
DESCENT!!
CARDINALS 17, PACKERS 31
The Crudinals came out of the gate 4-0, and have now lost 5 straight. 4-5 and elbowing their way down to the Lambs. 4-12? Why not?
EAGLES 13, SAINTS 28
Finally, Andy Reid gets himself fired. The Eagles don't know desperate. Saints do.
The Feebles are only a game out of first in the Doormat NFC. With Reid out of the way, the sky's the limit. Aints scrape up to 3-5. Ships passing in the night.
COWBOYS 13, FALCONS 19
Thirteen was THE number yesterday, and the Cowboys nailed it. Can Jerry Jones fire somebody today?
Our seasoned pros, the Lambs, were on vacation yesterday. They bring their special brand of Doormat action to San Francisco this week. Woo-Hoo!!
NFL WEEK 9 WORST STATS
Points 9 Nils
First Downs 12 Titans ( finally somebody beats the Giants. I'm tired of a winning team getting this.)
Yards 182 Giants
Rush 22 Raiders
pass 44 Vikings
Turnovers raspberry, or apple if they're out 5- Titans
INT 3 Raiders
Fumbles 6-4 Titans wow.
Red Zone 0-5 Browns
Low Passer 37.3 Ponder, Vikings
Sacked 7-46 Eagles
3rd down conv given up: 13-19 Dolphins
3rd dwn conv: 2-11 Buffalo
Punts: 8 Cardinals
Penalties: 14-116 Buccaneers
This should be big enough for the fans at KC now.
