NFL WEEK 10 WORST STATS- THE BEST OF THE WORSTEST

DOLPHINS 21,  PANTHERS 45
Only because they took pity on them did the Panthers not put a 5-spot on the Fins.  
The Floppers are now 4-5 after last night's stinker on dry land.  Not that we're surprised, but they and the Broncos are, so far, our big turnaround teams. Better set up the aquarium in the basement. Go Fish-like Mammals!

PuntFest award of the week goes to the Chargers-Jags game, a whopping 19 punts, and a Red Zone futility of 1-3 by the Jags and 0-0 for the Chargers. No wonder it went to overtime, nobody wanted to score!  

The Bungles couldn't hang onto the ball for even 20 minutes, again, yesterday.  Two weeks in a row of sub-20 minutes is a first in the history of the Doormat Division, since we started keeping track 8 years ago.

NFL WEEK 10 WORST STATS

OFFENSE
Points:  7                      Texans,  Cowboys
First Downs:  10           Bills

Total Yards:  198          Bills
Rushing Yds:  53         Bengals
Passing:  126               Cowboys
QB Rating:    33.6       Taylor, Bills       
3rd Down Conv:  1-10  Bengals
4th Down Conv:  1-3    Cards (lots of 0-1)
Red Zone Conv:         0-3, Texans;  0-0  Colts and Chargers.
Turnovers:  4              Texans
INT:  2                         Texans
Fumbles/lost:  2/2       Bengals, Cowboys, Texans
Sacked:  8/50             Cowboys
Fumble six given:  1     Browns
Pick-six given: 0          nobody!!

Blocked Punt for TD:    0  

DEFENSE:
Points:   45               Dolphins            
Total Yards:  548      Dolphins
Pass yards:  339      Texans
Rush Yards: 298       Bills 
No Sacks:   0             Giants, Bills, Jags, Pats, Panthers 
Penalties for first downs:  6         Seahawks
3rd Down Conv. allowed:  11-14    Fins;   8-12 'Skins

Red Zone conv allowed:  5-5, Skins; 4-4  Fins;  5-7 Bills

MISC:
Punts: 10                Chargers

Total Punts:  19       Chargers-Jags  Penalties:  12/108   Seahawks

Total Penalties:  21  Seahawks-Cards
Time of Poss:  19:51 Bengals (TWO WEEKS IN A ROW!!)


aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!

NFL WEEK 9 WORST STATS

NFL WEEK 9 WORST STATS

PACKERS 17, LIONS 30
The Pack opened the game with rookie QB Brett Hundley steering swaggering snappy drive right down the field to the Lion's 20, which stalled, and then with a brand new long snapper looking at everything upside down from between his legs, rolled the ball to the holder, and they muffed the field goal. The Lions responded by scoring a TD.  And...that was it. The score looks closer than it was.  That piece of pie didn't really look that big. Sure, I'll have just one more cup of coffee.  

***************

Though the Bengals just about run the table for worst everything this week,  note the Seahawks 16 penalties for 138 yards.  That's almost the golden mean of 150 (1.5 football fields) for negative yardage.  Add in their sacked total of 8 yards, and they come in at a tidy 146.  
The Bills and Jets both gave up 5 first downs on penalties, totaling nearly 25% of the total number of first downs for the game.  GOOD LORD.  
OFFENSE
Points: 7                        Bengals
First Downs:  8              Bengals

Total Yards:  148           Bengals
Rushing Yds:  29           Bengals (noticing a trend?)
Passing:  119                 Bengals
QB Rating:  23              BUCS (Winston)
3rd Down Conv:  1-8     Bungles
4th Down Conv:  0-2     49ers, Packers
Red Zone Conv: 1-4     Jags
Turnovers:  3                Giants, Bills (all New York!)
INT:   2                          Giants, Ravens, Seahawks
Fumbles/lost:  3/3         Bills
Sacked:  6/54               Washington
Fumble six given:  1     Eagles, Colts
Pick-six given: 0

Blocked Punt for TD:    1    BUCS

DEFENSE:
Points:  51                 Giants, Broncos
Total Yards: 473         Giants
Pass yards: 353         Packers
Rush Yards: 201        Falcons  (Broncos 197; Bills 194)
No Sacks:   0             Giants, Bengals       
Penalties for first downs:  5   Bills and Jets (SAME GAME)
3rd Down Conv. allowed:  8-13   Packers;  8-15, Dolphins;  8-16 Giants

MISC:
Punts: 8             49ers, Texans, Washington
Penalties:  16/138          Seahawks  (season high)

Total Penalties:  23        Seahags-Wash;   21 Raiders-Dolphins 
Time of Poss:  19:36      Bengals

aaaaAAAAANd that's the View From the Basement!!

NFL WEEK 6 WORST STATS

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK SIX WORST STATS

Now that the Packers have lost their quarterback because of stupid, they are instantly Doormat material.  Instantly.  They immediately stepped up and scored the fewest points for the week (along with the Broncos).  Here's the numbers for Week Six.

Biggest Flame Out of the Week honors goes to the Detroit Lions, managing to give up 52 points while holding the Saints to only 186 passing yards.  QB Matt Stafford was a one man wrecking crew (though please give his porous offensive line some love): 5 turnovers, 3 INT,  2 fumbles, two pick-sixes, a fumble-six, and he was sacked 5 times for 31 yards. Yet, they were within a touchdown in the 4th quarter before Stafford threw the final pick-six to seal the deal. 5 total touchdowns were scored by special teams and defense. The Saints got the Lions back in it by going 2-12 on 3rd down and allowing 9-18 3rd down conversions by the Lions. What a game!

Punt-A-Rama:   15   Rams-Jags

OFFENSE:

Points:   10             Packers, Broncos

First Downs: 12      Chiefs, Giants, Rams

Total Yards:  247     Browns  (this is the worst we can do?)
Rushing Yds:  28    Chiefs
Passing:  111          Bears  (Browns 113)
QB Rating:  38.1    Hogan,  Browns (nicely rotating this honor with his teammate)
3rd Down Conv:  3-18 Ravens,  2-12 Saints
4th Down Conv:  1-3,  Panthers  (0-1 Vikes and Cards)
Red Zone Conv:  0-2,  Ravens, Chiefs (1-4, Broncos, Colts)
Turnovers:  5          Lions
INT:   3                    Lions, Packers, Browns
Fumbles/lost:  4/2   Bears  (Lions 3/2)
Sacked:  5/31          Lions
Fumble six given: 1   Lions, Cardinals
Pick-six given: 2        Lions 


DEFENSE:
Points:  52                Lions (not really fair, 21 of those were given up by the offense!)
Total Yards: 439       Chiefs
Pass yards: 346       Cards
Rush Yards: 194      Chiefs
No Sacks:   0            Packers, Jets, Lions 
Penalties for first downs:  4  Eagles, Jets
3rd Down Conv. allowed:  9-18   Saints

Punts: 8                     Jags
Penalties:  13/118       Saints
Time of Poss:  23:08   49ers  (still no one under the 20:00 mark yet this season)


aaAAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

NFL WEEK FIVE WORST STATS

Time for the WEEK 5 WORST STATS, and the Quarter Report!  But first, the updated standings:

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK FIVE

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA    DIF

NY GIANTS               0-5            82       122    -40

SANTA CLARA         0-5            89       120    -31

CHICAGO                 1-4            78       124     -46

ARIZONA                  2-3            81       125    -44

DALLAS                    2-3            125     132    -7

AFC

                                  W-L         PF       PA     DIF

CLEVELAND            0-5           77      124     -47

LA CHARGERS        1-4           99      115     -16

INDIANAPOLIS         2-3           97     159      -62

TENNESSEE             2-3           110    142     -32

OAKLAND                 2-3           108    109      -1

MIASMA                    2-2           25       57      -32  

BEARS 17, VIKINGS 20

Too bad they didn't stop at halftime, with the score 3-2 Vikings.  But, you can't have everything.  daBares finally got a pass play over 30 yards...on a perfectly timed fake punt that went for a touchdown (38 yards). Punter Pat O'Donnell takes the honors. Bears best first down plays were penalties on the Viking defense ( Bears Rookie QB Mitch Trubinsky didn't have a terrible game, but he delivered the rookie blunder with 2 minutes to to, throwing the interception deep in his own territory with the score tied 17-17.  The Vikings, try as they might to lose to a Chicago team that is so banged up the Dr. Pepper vendor guy was playing linebacker by the end of the game, gave up the ghost and kicked the game winner from chip-shot range.  Excellent Doormat contest. 

NFL WEEK FIVE WORST STATS

Once again, the Fins win the Total Yards derby, but somehow won.

OFFENSE:

POINTS:   7               Cardinals

First Downs:  12         Dolphins

Total Yards:    178      Dolphins   (their opponent, the Titans, piled up 188)

Passing:  78               Dolphins 

Rushing:   28              Carolina

QB Rating:  37.8         Steelers (Ben Rothlisberger, just beating out Deshone Kizer's 38)

3rd Down Conv: 2-13  Titans

4th Down Conv: 0-1    Lions

Red Zone Conv: 0-4   Rams

Turnovers:  5               Steelers, Rams

INT:      5                      Steelers

Fumbles lost:  3           Rams

Sacked:   6                   Bills

Fumble Six given:   1   Titans

Pick-six given:    2        Steelers (Big Ben)

DEFENSE:

Total yards:   450         Texans

Pass yards:  336         Colts  (to the 49ers!)

Rush yards:   231        Steelers

No Sacks:  0                 NY Giants

Penalties for first down:   4   Vikings

Punts:       10          Titans (Brett Kern averages 54.9 per punt, and gets one for 71 yds)

Penalties:  11-100   Panthers 

Time of Poss:  21:43   Texans 

WORST LEAGUE LEADERS THROUGH WEEK 5

OFFENSE

Scoring:    10.3           Dolphins

First Downs:  60         Dolphins

Yards/G     231           Dolphins

Pass Yds/G  156.5    Dolphins

Rush Yds/G   51.8      Cardinals (wow, NOT the Giants)

QB Rating:   49.5        Kizer, Browns  (30 points ahead of all comers)

Interceptions:  9          Kizer,  Browns (even after Big Ben does 5 last Sunday)

Give/Takeaways   -9,  Bears

Lost Fumbles:   7        Rams

Team Interceptions:  11   Browns

Total Turnovers:  13     Browns

3rd down pct:    25      Dolphins

4th down:   0-5           Dolphins

Offensive Penalties:   49/385    49ers

DEFENSE:

Points Allowed:  31.8       Colts

Yards Allowed/G:  447.2  Patriots

Pass yds/G:      323         Patriots

Rush Yds/G:   161.2        Chargers

Penalties:  48/433           Cleveland

Interceptions:   0               Bears, Dolphins, Raiders

Sacks:  4                           Bucs

MISC:

Punts:  30             Sanchez,  Colts 

Total Penalties:   87/690     49ers

Lowest FG Pct:   42.9        Jets

aaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

NFL WORST STATS WEEK FOUR

How Low can they GO??

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 4, 2017

OFFENSE:

Points:   0                     Dolphins

First Downs:   9           Titans

Total Yards:   186         Dolphins

Passing:   109               Titans

Rushing:   15-24           Raiders

QB Rating:   45            Browns (Kizer)

QB Rating:   8.3           Titans (Cassel, just a half)

3rd Down conv: 2-12    Raiders; 1-8, Dolphins

4th Down conv: 0-2      Ravens

Red Zone conv: 0-4      Broncos  (0-3, 49ers)

Turnovers:   5               Titans

INT:   4                         Titans

Fumbles lost:   3           Vikings

Sacked: 6-55                 Lions

Fumble six given: 1      Falcons, Colts, Jets, 

Pick-six given:   1         Titans, Colts

DEFENSE:

Total Yards allowed:    477  Colts

Pass yards allowed:     342    Eagles

Rush yards allowed:    32- 256  Jags

No Sacks: 0                 Bucs

Punts:  8                      Jaguars

Penalties: 13/113         49ers (but wait for the Chiefs tonight, they love the yellow hanky)

Stupid Fake Punt:  1    Raiders

Time of Poss:   20:19   Titans (SO CLOSE to under 20:00)

aaaAAAAAND That's the View From the Basement!!!

JETS worse than SUSPECTED! WEEK 6 WORST STATS!!

JETS 3,  ANY OPPONENT (ok, the CARDS) 28

Look Out, Cleveland.  The New York Jets are gunning for ya.  Finally a Doormat team just plays flat out old-school horrible football for once. Sporting the most interceptions (11) in the league, and the lowest QB rating in the league (63.4 and dropping), one could credit Ryan Fitzpatrick for the Jets's rise to Doormat contention, but that would be missing the blitz of cheap penalties in the first 3 possessions that put the Nyets in a mole hole (welcome to False Start Stadium, you hole-digging pros), the swiss cheese defensive backfield (290 passing yards per game allowed), no blitzing (that would be swiss cheesing the swiss cheese), no rushing attack, the lowest points average for any offense, 15. 8, and the apparent zero options for the guys with the headsets.  When QB Geno Smith gets in a game, you are not exploring an option, you are conceding (but he DID rack up an INT in only 6 throws, so hey).

Since almost everybody else is scoring 38 points a game, 15.8 should cover just about any scenario for losing every single game...except in two weeks the Jets play the Browns in Cleveland, and you better get to the Browns- or Jets- sports bar for that one.

NFL WEEK 6 WORST STATS

Points:  3                    JETS
First Downs:   11        JETS
Total Yards:   230       JETS (I'm sensing a trend, here)
Passing:  145               EAGLES
Rush:   33                    JETS
3rd Down Eff:   2-13   JETS

Yards Allowed:  523   PANTHERS  (491, 49ERS)
Turnovers:  4               PACKERS
Punts:  7                      BROWNS, JETS  (that's gonna be a doozy in two weeks)

Penalties:   13/114       EAGLES;  RAVENS (15/111); GIANTS (7/119); NO (10/126)
Red Zone:    0-2          JETS, 49ERS, GIANTS; STEELERS 0-0;  CHARGERS 1-5.
Time of Possession:  Still nobody under the magic 20:00 mark this season.  If the Niners didn't do all that stupid standing around before running a hopeless play, they'd be under 20:00 every week.

-Wacko

DOORMAT WEEK FOUR STANDINGS and WORST STATS

Notice anything unusual?  Everybody, or nearly everybody is scoring points.  Usually we have at least 2 teams that don't clear 100 points until week 8.  Even the worst teams- Bears and Titanics, may do that by week 6.  It's nuts.  So, it's the WHO CARES year in the Doormat, and hooray for that.  At least there is entertainment on the field, even if your team turns it over 7 times.  At least they hurled a few bombs!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 4

AFC               W - L      PF - PA

BROWNS         0 - 4         74 - 115

TITANICS        1 - 3         62 - 84

DOLPHINS      1 -3          71 - 89

JETS                  1 - 3        79 - 105

JAGUARS        1 - 3         84 - 111

COLTS              1 - 3        108 - 125

CHARGERS    1 - 3        121- 108

NFC              W - L   PF - PA

BEARS              1 - 3       62 - 97

BUCS                 1 - 3       77 - 128

49ers                  1 - 3       90 - 107

DETROIT         1 - 3       95- 102

SAINTS             1 - 3       113 - 130

CARDINALS    1 - 3      92 - 80

NFL WEEK 4 WORST STATS

POINTS:        0          Pats

First Downs: 12          RAMS (and they won)

Total Yards:   222       Dolphins

Passing yds:   143       Bucs

Rush  yds:      38        Chargers

Yards Allowed: 571   Panthers (wow!)

Turnovers:     6          Cards  (3/3)

PUNTS:         8           Raiders

Total Punts:  15          Raiders-Ravens (8/7) 

Penalties:      11-145   Jaguars (probably because they had to drive on the left).

Tim of Poss:  21:58    Dolphins

Monday Night Doormat Lights Out!!

RAMS DESTROY NINERS  0-28

Holy Toledo!  The Los Angeles Lambs wrapped up their season last night.  All done...except for 15 more games.  Mere formality.  

If there was any doubt about that, all you had to do was drink in the long shots of glum Ram fans, glumming out in a glum private fog, deftly bluffing the knowledge that their gloom was being broadcast to all football humans in the football universe.  Glom on that, blue and gold! The Lambs are back in LA!  

WOWEE.  Every Ram possession either ended in a punt, an interception, or loss of downs.  There AREN'T any other possessions, except for end of game.   10 punts! 10 first downs (shoulda been 7), 10 penalties for 102 yards, 3-15 on 3rd down, 185 total yards, 2 interceptions, chaotic defense, chippiness devolving into personal fouls, more chaos, your star defensive player being ejected, a quarterback who looked like he was playing with a broken thumb (but wasn't) and a coach who needs to get 10 losses to be the losingest NFL coach of all time. The only way coach Fisher won't get there is that he'll be fired in 3 games if this keeps up, which would be a shame, because this team could go 0-16.  Look out, Browns, there's a new kid on the block.  

As we pointed out in the last week's preview, Chip Kelly offenses, if you aren't a prepared, quick team in decent shape, will blow you off the field in the first half, and then, when they're just as tired in the 2nd half, try to hold on and win.  This isn't going to work against any actually good NFL teams, so DO try to temper your Niner enthusiasm. Blaine Gabbert, Carlos Hyde and their band of non-famous players strutted some serious mediocrity in the second half, and don't you forget it.  Carlos Hyde, should he stay healthy, is a great running back. Gabbert, if he keeps running around like that, will be on the IR in two weeks. Hello, Colin Kaeperkneel (who, by the way, has actually had a positive effect on his team, the opposite of what was predicted).   

But the Lambs had them so outclassed it was no contest.  

Lambs QB Case Keenum, looking beyond overmatched for an NFL game, is only there to keep the seat warm, and take all the punishment, until golden boy Jared Goff finally gets fitted with some shoulder pads.  Look for that to happen a LOT sooner in La-La land...like in 2 weeks.

NFL WEEK ONE WORST STATS

Points:   0           Lambs

Punts:   10          Lambs

First Downs: 10   Lambs

Penalties: 14/141- Rrraiders (wow)

Total Yards:  160      Bills

Rush:     22/52yds     Cardinals

Pass:    95                 Bils

Yards Allowed:  435   Washington

Sacked:    7/42          Bengals

Turnovers: 3        Broncos (2 int/ 1 fum)

Third down efficiency:  20%  2-10 Browns; 3-15  Rams

Time of Poss:  20:40  BROWNS  (so close to under 20!)

aaaAnd That's the View from the Basement!

-wacko

TWELFTH WEEK: BURSTING WITH BOOBERY !!

WELCOME MAT ON THE PATIO

It is time to welcome the newcomers, because they don’t appear to be leaving.   The Dallas Cows: 3-8 and looking like a real contender, now that Tony Romo broke his collar bone again. 

I saw the play.  Honestly, I wish the tactic of lifting and slamming a guy to the turf would stop being a technique they teach for sacking QBs, since most of them, at that point, are more than willing to hit the turf.  Football is an entertainment for paying customers, and they’d really rather see Tony Romo playing in a game instead of getting carted off the field.  His backup is Matt Cassel, for lord sakes, and I’m not ponying up my hard won wages on the ranch to watch that kind of boobery, unless I’m ensconced in the basement pulling for the loser to lose again. It really is like the fans don’t matter.  Or I should say, only YOUR fans matter, which is pretty darn stupid. Slamming a QB down on his shoulder means you want something bad to happen to that shoulder.  Period.  And, might I add, if TV money is the only money that counts, why does it cost so much to watch a game from the nose bleed seats?

End of rant.

Also busting into the basement with some real authority are the Philadelphia Feebles, a college offense getting its butt kicked in the NFL.  Stop pretending it’s not happening.  It doesn’t work.  Stop handing the ball back to the other team in 5 seconds.  But hey, it’s our gain, so Coach Chip, keep up the good work.  And bringing up the rear are the New Orleans Ain’ts, where old, hidden paper bags, a little greasy from the fried chicken and other extremely tasty foods that grace the shores of the Mississippi in those parts, are coming out of the trunk.  Welcome back guys, it’s been a while.  

Let’s check the standings, and then skewer the games:

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 12

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Whiners      3-8           152 - 271

Cows          3-8            204 - 261
Lambs        4-7            186 - 230

Kittens        4-7           230 - 288

Feebles       4-7            243 - 274

Ain’ts         4-7            261 – 339

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      2-9            203 - 257

Browns      2-8            186 - 277

Chargers     3-8           244 - 307

Cravens      3-6            226 - 249

Dolphins     4-7           225 - 287

Gaguars      4-7            236 - 299

THE LEADERS:

WHINERS 13,  CARDINALS 19

Let’s face it, no matter how helpful the Cardinals were yesterday, it was no dice against the worst team in the NFL.  Right down to coming up with an extra point doinking off the right upright with 2:36 left in the game, keeping the game tantalizingly close at 19-13, the Cardinals were just NOT going to lose this game.  In fact, they were sabotaged by the refs on their final drive.  An dubious roughing the passer penalty, which was just a clean sack, on a critical third down and then the capper- interfering with the ref by players on the 49er sideline, on a well defended bomb by Crudinal QB Carson Palmer.  The ref grazed the arm of a 49er standing in the restricted zone. Next time, at least knock the zebra to the turf, dude. In fact, throw in a body slam! That’s 30 extra yards to a team trying to give the ball back to the Niners.  

But this is what terrible teams get- refs start LOOKING for stuff that the better teams (as in mediocre) don't get called for.  It’s like the whipping boy in 3^rd grade- same guy always gets blamed for everything (13 penalties for a measly 81 yards).  It’s only fair- if your line has problems, when they try to play inspired ball, you get flagged for more penalties.  The Niners are this team. 
So Carson Palmer ends up running in the winning touchdown, nearly ending his season with an awkward ball spike and sprawl into the photographers.  Dainty.

Whiner QB Blaine Gabbert racked up over 300 yards, but went 0-9 (O-4-niners!) on third down conversions, and came up with the killer sack on the final drive, ending all hope at Levi stadium (shouldn’t the seat covers be denim?) p.s.  Niners wore their black “we’re not the Niners” uniforms.  They didn't really need to do that.   It's pretty obvious.

BROWNIES VS. CRAVENS (MONDAY NIGHT)

Our AFC leaders (yes I know the Titans lost, but we wait for this game) face off tonight in a Prime Time MNF Doormat Extravaganza that is not to be missed, if you even remotely appreciate the finer points of terrible football. 

The Brownies have tried everything, short of winning games, but to no avail- but this one is going to be tough. It’s at home, where Cleveland fans are used to being handed humble pie on any given Sunday, but Johnny Foosball is putting down the shot glass and, I think, will actually win a game for Cleveland. I’m going way out on a limb. This will vault the Titanics (2-9) into unchallenged first place.  But let’s not run off half-cocked, give the Cravens their due- they can lose any game at any moment anywhere.  No matter how close a game is, they can make it look like a 20 point deficit.   It’s gonna be a wild wild wild total STIFF of a game.  I sure hope it’s Chris Berman and Jon Gruden on this one, because they will have a FIELD DAY.  EDGE TO LOSE:  CRAVENS

DOORMAT ALERT:

BROWN AND NINERS PLAY EACH OTHER ON

DEC. 13^th

TITANICS 21, RRRRAIDERS 24

Where do you go when you’ve lost three in a row and you have no one to turn to?  Memphis!  The Raiders, despite fumbling the ball repeatedly, got outfoxed by Marcus Mariota, a rookie guiding his team with confidently thrown late interceptions that are driving the Titanics straight to Davy Jones’ Locker. 

COWS 13,  PANTHERS 33

The Panthers are really good, and the Cows made sure they looked it.  Cows TIED FOR FIRST with the Niners.  It’s a damn shame these two old rivals aren’t facing off late in the season for NFC Doormat bragging rights.  

FEEBLES 14,  LIONS 45

The Feebs have Mark ‘Hold and Sack’ Sanchez at QB, and that pretty much takes care of that. The Feebs held the ball for a meager 22 minutes, while the Lions had it for almost 38. The Lions have won three in a row- that’s just wrong. Doormats DO NOT win 3 in a row. What with the Packers (next week) in a huge slump and the rest of the schedule looking lighter every minute, the Lions could have…dare I say it- an absurd shot at the playoffs.  The Feebles, on the other hand, are just sinking into a muck so deep it’s like the malarial swamps that used to grace the Philly shores back in the early days, when Ben Franklin was coaching.  Both teams are 4-7 but headed in drastically different directions.  However, Feebs still only one game out of first in the All-Doormat NFC East. Good GRIEF. 

GAGUARS 25, CHARS 31

Just when you think you’ve got the system down, you’re the worst team in the AFC, you have to play Jacksonville, and you get schooled.  No team, except of course for Cleveland, can crush a home crowd more efficiently.  In the playoff hunt at kickoff time yesterday, the Gags find the way to give Char QB Philip Rivers 4 TD passes and still lose the game.  The Char’s usually successful game plan finally foiled, the Gags fall to 4-6 and stay in the Basement with us.  Whew, that WAS CLOSE.

AIN’TS 6,  TEXANS 24

Remember when the Toxins were 1-4?  And looked hopeless?  Pull that sticker off and slap it on the Saints!  Drew Brees doesn’t throw a TD pass for the first time in forever, and the Saints fail to score a TD for the first time since Louis Armstrong was running the town.

Can we pull the Fleur-de-Lys trunk out of storage mom, can we? I wanna decorate.  

LAMBS 7, BENGALS 31

The Bungles may have lost two in a row, but fat chance they were going to lose this one, not with the Lambies pulling out their Big Play Two Ply Defense!  I don’t know about YOU, but I think maybe Lamb coach Jeff Fisher really isn’t a coach.  He’s just a testy guy scowling his way through the NFL until somebody notices he was originally hired to run the washing machines.  Somewhere along the way, he grabbed an extra clipboard, stole a headset, and here we are.  The Lambs are BACK!  Wrap me in wool, baby, it’s gonna be a loooooooooong, cold St. Louis winter.

SPECIAL 12^th WEEK HONORS:  The Entire NFC East has a losing record, thanks to the Deadskins beating the Giants yesterday.   5-6 gets you First Place.  There’s still 5 games to go, so it’s a long way to the finish line, but we can hope they keep it under .500 all the way.  Duke it out, guys!!!

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 12

Points:                6                Saints

First downs:        14              NOLA, PHI, DAL     

Turnovers:   apple cinnamon

Turnovers (int/fum):   4/0     Steelers

Total Yards:        210            Cowboys

Yards Allowed:  538             Seahawks (and they won)

Punts:                 10              Patriots

Total Punts:        18              Pats-Broncos

3^rd Down Conv:  0-9             49ers

Sacked:               6-40           Eagles

Penalties:            13/81, 49ers;  12/95     Bears, Bucs

aaaaAAAaAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!