WEEK 15 REPORT: Turn off Your Mind, Relax and Float downstream. And Fumble.

BROWNS REACH NEW LEVEL OF CONSCIOUSNESS!

49ers ACHIEVE HISTORIC LEVELS OF...OF...

BEARS DO IT AGAIN!

JAGS TRYING SO HARD TO BE THE WORST!

VIKINGS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! WITH A HAMMER!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 15 STANDINGS

AFC
Cleveland -      0-14
Jacksonville -   2-12
NY Jets -          4-10
San Diego -      5-9
Cincinnati -       5-8-1


NFC
San Francisco - 1-13
Chicago -           3-11
Los Angeles -     4-10
Carolina -           5-8
Philly-                 5-9

Arizona               5-8-1

THE GAMES

BROWNS 13, BILLS 33
The Browns haven't had a lead since 7-6 at halftime of the Nov. 10th game vs. the Ravens.  They're 3-27 over the last two years. They knew the Bills were going to run the ball yesterday, and, sure enough the Bills ran the ball...280 yards of it for a 7.0 per run average.
The Browns opened the game with a 12-yard run for a first down- which was nullified by a holding penalty.  Welp!  Time to hit the tailgate out in the parking lot! I'll refill the cooler! Please don't text me. 

The Brownies are in the Blank Zone. The Blank Helmet Zone. They are, literally, The Blanks. They are free of hindrances, the way ahead is open, I can hear a parade of sorts: a grimy, kicked to the curb kind of parade, I hear car horns and smell fumes and a barrel of tallow behind the dumpster in back the greasy spoon serving Brownie Bake Sale items.  Bring back Chomps. Somebody go to the Dawg Pound and find something, anything, to take to an off-leash area (say, the 45-yard line) and see if something happens. But bring your plastic bags.
Next loss: at San Diego.  Well, at least they'll get warm. 

49ERS 13, ATLANTA 41,OOO
Has anybody noticed that the Falcons are kinda doing a Doormat Blow-Out Tour?  This game coulda been a 600 yard, 60 point affair. Whiners hit milestone...and had to be carted off the field. They are now not only the losing-est team in 49er history (and there's been some lulus), they also have given up more yards than any 49er ever ever ever. 38 years kind of ever. Yesterday's 500 Falcon yards put them well over the top. But it wasn't called a Falcon 500. It was a Galaxy 500.

As usual, the Whines were kind of playing football for the first half, and then did not play football for the 2nd half (yet there was a game going on!), scoring zero points and amassing 4 first downs. That's grit. Like sand in your hot dog in the dark by the smoky fire at the beach grit. They are nothing if not consistent, and, they are also nothing. The Yin and Yang of their losing perhaps surpasses the Browns.  But the Browns still have the big zero, so shut up.

JAGS 20, TEXANS 21
I really do wish someone had the nerves to beat the Texans. The Jags tried so hard to lose this- only 9 first downs and 12 penalties, I mean that's trying- but there they were, yet again AHEAD (20-10) for no good reason going into the 4th quarter.  The Gaguar offense punted mercilessly for the entire second half, thwarted only by an errant kick-off return for a touchdown that put the whole thing in jeopardy.  But the non-offense pulled it off, and the defense got tired and there was no coffee (they also ran out of cups, but that's actually a different subject).   Jags right behind the Whines and Blanks at 2-12. 

LAMBS 3, SEAHAWKS 24
Yes, I know this was on Thursday, which is like an ice age ago in football, but I just want to point out that the Lambs keep scoring less and less points and are still under 200 (197) points scored for the year.  Wouldn't that be something if they could hold it there?  It would be a fitting tribute to fired coach Jeff Fisher, the only 'mercy firing' I've ever seen in my entire life. Or maybe he went in there and begged to get fired to avoid becoming the losing-est-est coach of all time.  I dunno.  They should have had this one still count on his watch.  Just to give him something to remember his time in the NFL by.  Bye-bye Jeff!  The Doormat was your friend.  No, you can't come in.  I said "WAS."

VIKINGS 6, COLTS 26
The Colts need to play the Vikings every week.  They'd be in the Super Bowl.  Everybody'd be in the Super Bowl.  It'd be like a Super Bowl Smorgasborg, with all the drinks poured into Viking horns. The busboys are all named Thor. 

The Yikings first 6 possessions yesterday: Punt, Punt, Punt, Fumble, Interception, Fumble.  It would have been nice if they'd mixed up the punts and turnovers, but you can't argue with that score. Don't argue with guys named Thor, either.  Even though in Sweden every 3rd guy is named Thor.  It's how the Scandinavians have gotten along so well.

BEARS 27, PACKERS 30
No matter what it takes, no matter how tantalizingly close the score may be, put you money on the Bears.  They did it AGAIN, making it even more insanely close with the Pack kicking a field goal with :00 on the clock. This after the Bears tied it with 1:19.  How DO they do it?
Man, wow.  I notice Matt Barkley has the triple-interception thing going now, so Jay Cutler can relax.

OK I gotta make Doormat Christmas Cards, all with that special Doormat Scent!  

AAAaaaaAANd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

WEAK 12 REPORT AND AUTOPSY

WEAK 12 CHEESE BALL BOMBS

FADING HOPES IN COLD CLIMES and

BEING JUST BADENOV, BORIS

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 12

AFC
Cleveland -    0-12
Jacksonville - 2-10
NY Jets -        3-8
Cincinnati -    3-7-1
San Diego -    5-6

NFC
San Francisco - 1-10
Chicago -          2-9
Los Angeles -   4-7
Carolina -         4-7
Green Bay        4-6


BROWNOUTS 13, GIANTS 27
Who can lose a game where the opponent punts 9 times?  The Browns!  Who can lose a game where your opponent gets only 13 first downs?  The Browns!  Who else can lose a game where your opponent gets 100 penalty yards to your measly 35?  Nobody but the Browns!!  Of course fumbling away the ball 3 times, with one of those for a fumble-six, kinda helps.

0-12 AND the worst uniforms in the NFL. C'MON, those are ghastly.  Somebody get that ownership a medal, and make it out of an old Trabant (worst car ever made) grill.  

LAMBS 21, SAINTS 49
Maybe Saints coach Sean Payton is still a little steamed at his old defensive (hits for cash!) coordinator, who now works for the Lambs. It has to hurt your eyes after a while, doing the laser glare at the opposing bench for an entire game.  Actually, Lambie QB Jared Goff must have felt like he was back at Cal:  high scoring game that is exciting for 3 quarters and then you end up getting blown out. Trick plays by the bushel in this one.   

WHINERS 24, DOLPHINS 31
Honesty: Chip Kelly and Colin Kaepernick seem to be getting on the same page.  Kaepernick accounted for over 400 yards of offense yesterday.  He was THE man.  They nearly tied the game with 2 seconds to go.  Man, that was a close one.  Luckily for the Whines, he does not play defense, and whoa is that defense just as porous as Chip's most porous Oregon defenses over the years. I swear they couldn't stop a baby stroller pushed by an exhausted diaper-whipped dad. And I should know.  Humongous game next week vs. the Bears.  

JESTS 17, PATRIOTS 22
Another close call for a Doormat yesterday.  Good God, what were the Jests thinking, being ahead deep in the 4th quarter??  Well, relax, fans- the Patriots were safely guided down the field for the go-ahead TD, and Jets QB Ryan "Let Me Blow This" Fitzfumble fumbled away the Jests last fumbling 'chance.'   Jests still in the hunt for the Moldy Carpet, but not really because the Browns will win 1 game at most.  

BEARS 21, TITANS 27
The Barelys do it again- look like they are getting shellacked, and then stage the Futile Comeback and make it look like they tried.  It's a lot of Looking Like, and very little of Actually Being.  Who knew that Soldier Field was a land of fantasy?  Titans have risen to 6-6.  Look out world, a Doormat is crawling up out of the muck.

BUNGLES 14, RAVEN-POES 19
At the beginning of the season, the Bungles were a favorite to challenge for the AFC Championship.  Oh PLEASE. This is the Bungles we're talking about here, and they've already had two winning seasons in a row, and that's way way way more than should be asked for here.  Are they burning Andy Dalton jerseys in their BBQ's in the parking lot?  Are there still scraps of a Carson Palmer jersey in there?  You gonna eat that chicken leg?

GAGUARS 21, BILLS 28
Gags extend their losing streak to 6 games, now, and in this one showed a lot of savvy in losing the lead 5 times.  Not to be denied!  Rack it up!! Wild game up in Buffalo...look out, the Bills are 6-5.  How long has it been since they've been over .500 this late in the season?  Usually by now you know they'll get to 10 losses.  ANOTHER DOORMAT crawls out of the BASEMENT!!!

BUCS 14,  SEAHAGS 5
And yet another perennial loser and close friend is breathing the rarified air in the winning column.  6-5 and snuffing the Hags with ferocious defense (3 turnovers) has GOT to feel good.  

RAIDERS 35, PANTHERS 32
The Raiders' Derek Carr goes out for one series with a jammed pinkie, and the Panthers pounce on it like it was 25 points, which is what happened. But...Carr came back in, and this guy is amazing.  Well, here's our fabulous  Doormat Champ stomping all the way to the #1 seed in the AFC today.  GOOD GRIEF.  

aaaaaand THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 12: BARONS OF THE BASEMENT

JAGS MAKE THE "10 CLUB", TAKE OVER AFC DOORMAT LEAD!  FALCONS FLYING SO LOW IT'S UNDERGROUND! COME-FROM-AHEAD LOSSES FOR EVERYBODY!  RAIDERS ONLY DOORMAT TEAM TO WIN!

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION 
 

NFC               W-L              PF       PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay     2-9                207       300      -93 

NY Giants       3-8                233     294       -61

Washington     3-8                217      273      -56   

Carolina          3-7-1             215     300       -85

Minnesota       4-7                202      244      -42

Atlanta            4-7                262     281       -19

AFC                              

Jacksonville    1-10               161      305      -144

Oakland          1-10              176      285      - 109

NY Jets            2-8                174      265      -91

Tennessee        2-9                192      293      -101

Houston          5-6                 242     226       +16

QUICK HIT:  With their improbable (but predicted by nearly everyone) victory last Thursday over the Kansas City Chiefs, the Oakland Raiders have lost out on the quest for a perfect season. The Detroit Lions remain the only team to go 0-16, and the Tampa Bay Bucs still the only team to lose 26 straight games.  The Raiders did go 0-16, though it was over the course of 2 seasons.  It had been just slightly over a year since the Silver and Blacked Out won a game.  We here in the Basement watched the whole game, and nobody cheered louder for the beleaguered Raider franchise.  Hurrah for the Bumbling Barons of the Basement!

TONIGHT's NFC SOUTH CRITICAL ENCOUNTER:  Tonight the New Orleans Saints go for 4 straight losses at home (vs. Baltimore), and a share of the NFC South lead at the same time (with Atlanta at 4-7).  If they reach the lofty 4-7, that leaves 5 games to go, and would have to win ALL FIVE to finish with a winning record. If the Saints can blow it at home, the odds of the entire division having losing records are very very good.  The NFC Worst did it with Seattle and St. Louis 'winning' the division at 7-9 in 2010.  This year's crop in the South could easily beat that at 6-8.  History in the making, fans!

THE GAMES

JAGS 3, COLTS 23

Gaguars hold it to 11 first downs, loft 7 punts, INT leader Blake Bortles tosses an interception, and the defense wears down in the second half like it does every game, since the offense does nothing. It's an effective strategy, and the Gags are rewarded with FIRST PLACE in the Doormat AFC, unbelievably edging past the Silver and Blacked Out by the tie-breaker: point differential.  In all their illustrious years in the Basement, the Jags have never won the Doormat, and have never started a season 1-10.  Things are looking up.  Down.  Direction is irrelevant once you get comfortable in the naugahyde recliner in the Basement.  Huge challenge next week against the New York Giants at home.  HUGE. 

JETS vs. BILLS in DETROIT

Setting up Doormat special at the Kat Box is really fitting, don't you think?  Tickets are free! 

After yesterday's Puss-and-Boot-it exhibition in New England, any football game that isn't the Lions may be just the thing.  Jets need to lose to keep Raiders and Gags on the radar.

TITANS 24, EAGLES 43

The Titanics started taking on water on the kickoff- a 107-yard runback for an Eagles TD.  Pow! They never looked back. The Titanics may be down to their 4th-string QB with Mettenberger, but the dude throws for 345 yards and piles up 46 yards in sacks, throws an INT, and still only gets 16 first downs.  He's doing it all!  

Titanics still a healthy 2-9 and hot on the Raiders and Jags tails.

FALCONS 24, BROWNS 26

The Falcons had won two in a row. Not a chance they can intended to keep that up. Not when they are at home and can deflate an entire stadium.  Despite 3 interceptions from Cleveland's Brian Hoyer, it wasn't enough, as the Falcons blow another late lead and get the Browns set up for the game winning field goal as time expired.  Failcons are still only 2 games out of first in the Doormat, and only a 1/2 game out of first in the NFC South.  Living the hi-lo life!  

GIANTS 28, COWBOYS 31

Giants outplay Cowboys, turn in most amazing catch of the season (Beckham's snag of Manning bomb for TD wow), and still lose, giving up the lead with just 1 minute to go.  Whew that was close.  Gnats only 1 game out of first in the Doormat NFC. 

NATIVES 13, 49ers 17

The Santa Clara 49ers keep looking for somebody to lose to, and just can't hook up.  A team that could easily be 4-7 instead of 7-4, the Niners will just have to wait for their defense to catch up in ineffectiveness.  Perhaps next year.  The Deadskins roll on to 3-8 and look like they'll never win another game.  49ers forced to play meaningful game on Thanksgiving vs. the Seahawks.  The indignity.  

VIKINGS 21 PACKERS 24

Scary-close game, Yikings nearly pull out victory, but craftily pass on last-minute on-side kick, even though they were kicking off from the 50-yard line (Packer Penalty on two-Point Pass).  Packers hand off to Eddie Lacy, run out clock and Yikings yank the chance at victory out of their mitts and hand it to the Pack.  Well done and may the roasting of coach Zimmer in Minnesota be set to "char."

BUCCANEERS 13, DA BARES 21

Up against a real test, the Bootineers are shoved into the lead at halftime by Da Bares, 10-0.  How do you lose to a team that gets 12 first downs, punts 9 times, and amasses a whopping 204 yards of offense?  You hand them the ball inside your own 20 multiple times, of course.  2 of the 3 comeback TD drives in the 3rd quarter for Da Bares were 1 play drives, which the Bears, always toying with Doormat excellence, could not overcome. They scored. The Boots add in fumbling the ball after a reception for what would have been 1st and goal and you can nail down the loss without any qualms of conscience.  Nobody can say you didn't do your best. 

LAMBS 24, CHARGERS 27

These two flailing fountains of failure hooked up for 6 turnovers, 17 penalties, two defensive TDs and probably a hilariously entertaining kind of game Doormats should deliver.  Blame it on the shape of the ball. Lambs, as usual, return to losing after one of their giant-killer games.  

Only 5 weeks to go, now, folks!  It's anybody's cellar to claim!

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!

WEEK 6 WRAP-UP and NO CIGAR!!

BROWNS EXIT BASEMENT. STOP.  RAIDERS PLAY LIKE FOOTBALL TEAM, SEND FANS INTO DELIRIUM. STOP. GAGS AND TITANICS PLAY EPIC EPIC EPICAC STRUGGLE. STOP.  BUCS PLAY SO BADLY THAT JAWS DROP AS FAR AWAY AS KAMCHATKA. STOP. JETS MAY BE UNSTOPPABLE. STOP. 

and now, a short except of a song I heard last night, which said it all for our Doormat Brethren here in the Basement:

THE REMINDER SONG
by Shaina Taub
Now preachers and teachers and scholarly brains
Have tried to provide some ways to explain why shit can go so badly
Well I've had a helping or two of the blues
I go back for seconds and thirds cause I choose 

to stomach sorrow gladly
For I have a theory that might sound crass
And to that hypothesis I raise a glass

Here's to the chaos
The sacred mundane
Three cheers for agony
A toast to the pain
Hats off to everything that leaves a scar For reminding me who my friends are.

And with that, on to:

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK SIX
 

NFC             W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-5              120       204      -84

St. Louis         1-3               84        119      -35 

Washington    1-5               132      166      -34        

Minnesota       2-4              104      143       -39

Atlanta           2-4               164      170       -6

         

AFC                              

Jacksonville    0-6               81       185      -104

Oakland         0-5                79       134      - 55

Tennessee      2-4                104     153      -49

NY Jets          1-4               96        158      -62

Miami            2-3               120       124      -4

JAGUARS 14, TITANS 16
The much anticipated epic battle between two Basement Bombers!  The Gags got 27 first downs, but overcame that with a couple well placed turnovers and racking up their own QB for six sacks.  Jags make it close with last minute desperation TD but can't get the on-side kick and whew that was close.  Titanics are close but....no cigar.

BROWNIES 31,  STEELERS 10
In a starkly obvious changing-of-the-guard moment, the Cleveland Browns get our unofficial ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS send off from the basement.  Pulverizing the hated Pittsburgh Steelers, and doing it in commanding fashion, at home, was a moment of glory in Cleveland, and the joy in the stands was off the hook.  They have to get past 8 victories to really, truly exit the basement, so hold on.  But Blank Helmet football has a new meaning in the NFL.  They're gonna blank YOU.

BUCCANEERS 17,  RAVENS 48
This game was over so fast, Bucs fans were still loading their toy cannons in the backyard and it was already 28-0 Ravens.  In a blinding display of Johnny Depp Defense, the Bootineers ensure that Florida has the worst teams in AFC and the NFC for another week.  I'm still disappointed in the lack of punting this year, with 6 being a common high number.  Where are the 8 or 9 punt games?  Boots have some work to do.  Especially since next week is Minnesota and they still have Washington on the schedule, they could slip up and win again.

No it's never gonna, never gonna end, no, no, no 
No it's never gonna, never gonna end, no, no, no 
Not the mis'ry nor the company, my friend
So fill each other's cupAnd never give it up

VIKINGS 3,  LIONS 17Rookie QB Terry Bridgewater throws three laser point interceptions and they punt 7 times. And they're playing outside and it's going to get really really really cold.  This is what I'm talking about.  Thank you, Yikings.

RAIDERS 28, CHARGERS 31New coach Tony Sporano injects some brains and will into the previous hapless Raiders, and they come out swingin'.  The offense looked nothing like it has in the previous 4 losses. However, it's plain the Raider defense would gladly give up 50 points if the offense would just go 3 and out.  I watched this one, and they played valiantly in defeat.  It was an old-fashioned AFL wild one. BENGALS 37,  PANTHERS 37Parity Division miracle.  But, now they can't go 8-8, so it's unclear what this achieves for anybody.
Now they gotta go for ANOTHER tie.

JETS 17, BRONCOS 31

Jets are terrible. And that's why they're gonna be on Thursday Night Doormat this week!!

Cause here's to the hopin' 
When odds are a joke 
Three cheers for foolish dreams 
When everything's broke

Hats off to every 'close, but no cigar' 

Here's to the chaos

The sacred mundane
Three cheers for agony
A toast to the pain
Hats off to everything that leaves a scar For reminding me who my friends are.

Keep reminding me who my friends are


-The Reminder Song
by Shaina Taub

AAAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 10 WRAP UP and DISPOSAL

AND THEN THERE WAS ONE (winless team)

Jacksonville…wins?  Rams have their one great game a year, and Colts stink it up.  49ers worst team of the weekend, except for maybe the Raiders or the Bills or the Falcons or the Packers. 

GLORY AVERTED!  JAGS WIN

JAGUARS 29,  TITANS 27

It hardly seems fair.  The Jaguars come to Memphis, go get a little ‘cue, have a beer, maybe swing by Graceland, sleep in a touch and ease on over to the stadium on Sunday safely knowing that Jake Locker will pull out a win for the Titans no matter what they do. But wait:  Locker sustains yet another leg injury, and Doormat Secret Weapon Ryan Fitzpatrick is unleashed on the Gags and they never recover.  Staked to a 13 point lead via a fumble deep in Titans territory and an unrelenting hail of punts from Tennessee, the Gags find themselves in unfamiliar territory- AHEAD.   The Jags put the ball on the carpet 3 times, but the Titans refuse to pick it up.  In response the Titans fumble five times and the Jags end up with three of them.  Hard to lose in that environment.

Still, it was only a 20-13 Jags lead entering the 4^th quarter.   Then the Titans pull off a safety by penalty (holding in the end zone) which is about as Doormat as you can get.  But hold on!  Fitzpatrick- you just have to wait for him - with the Gags clinging to a 22-20 lead with 3 minutes to go, gets sacked and fumbles at his own 21 where Jacksonville picks it up and runs it in for a frikkin’ defensive touchdown!   Stunned, Jaguar players miss high fives and pull hamstrings attempting something called ‘celebration.’ Turns out the safety was the difference in the game. Yow!

Fallen from the unvictorious, our Gaguars will not go 0-16.  It was not to be. The great Tampa Bay Bucs (0-14) and the Detroit Lions (0-16) will not be getting their company this year.  Alas. 

BUCCANEERS @ MIAMI (Monday night)

But wait! The BUCS are still 0-8 and could still go winless and elevate Tampa to Doormat Gold Glory as the only franchise to go winless twice.  They’re no match for the 1976 Bucs, who lost 26 straight before winning the last two games of ’77, but they’ve still got a chance to lose out.  Miami is the most reeling team in the league this week, losing half of what was already a terrible O-line, and morale is God knows where.  Gonna be tough to pull out the loss in Flopper Town.

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 10 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Tampa Bay           1-8          146-209

Atlanta                2-7          186-251

Minnesota            2-7          220-279

NY Giants             3-6          165-243

Washington          3-6          230-287

AFC                                                          .

Jacksonville         1-8         115-291

Houston               2-7         170-248
Buffalo                 3-7         199-259

Pittsburgh            3-6         179-218

Oakland                3-6         166-223

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

REDSKINS 27, VIKINGS 31

If you can lose to the Vikings, in a shoot-out, you can lose to anybody.  Redskins lead the league in ‘coming close’ but still losing.  That’s ART.

RAMS 38, COLTS 8

Remember, two years ago, when the Colts threw interceptions up like they were a busting pinanta, had atrocious special teams and allowed at least 2 huge bombs a game?  Colt fans were weeping with nostalgia yesterday as the Colts toss 4 INTs, give up a Punt return TD, a Bomb TD, and a fumble return for 6.  Rams go totally crazy for their once-a-season great game, pasting Indy and vaulting right out of the basement standings.

RAIDERS 20,  GIANTS 24

You can’t blame the Giants for winning this game.  They really tried to give it away-4 turnovers really should help- but the Raydurz amassed 213 yards of non-offense and get back to 5^th in the Doormat AFC.  3-6 and a legitimate shot at 10 losses.

FAILCONS 10, SEAHAWKS 33

Matt Ryan didn’t have to play bad for the Falcons to lose this one.  They’re just bad now.  And the Seahawks are one of the few good teams.  It’s hard to be a proper Doormat around here with all this competition and wannabes.  But the Falcons (2-7) are the real deal.   Now in 2^nd in the Doormat NFC, passing the Yikings- wow.

TOXINS 24, CARDINALS 27

Ships passing in the night.  In the high desert.  In a dry arroyo.  A coyote howls.

BUFFALUFFAHUFFALO  10, STEELERS 23

With a victory like this, the Steelers have a…oh never mind.  Are the Nils (3-7)  going to make it to 10 losses again?  It won’t be easy- here come the Jets, Falcons, Bucs and Jags in the next 4 games.  The 3 worst teams in the league in 4 weeks.  Gonna be very tough.

PACKERS 13,  EAGLES 27

Okay, the Pack don’t have a losing record…yet.  Pack QB Scott Tolzien started yesterday, and he couldn’t even make the 49ers roster, and look at their pathetic passing offense. 

49ers 9,  PANTHERS 10

Ugly ugly ugly game.  The 49ers must have the most anemic passing game in the league. 46 yards yesterday. You hear that Jacksonville?  They’re worse than you. Carolina has one hellacious defense, and so do the Niners, but I don’t see why the 49ers couldn’t lose 4 more games.  Next loss:  SAINTS

Season worst Stats coming tomorrow after the big Doormat Tilt tonight

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!!

THE STREAK

What do These Teams Have in Common?

None of them have been to the playoffs in at least 5 years.    Who will continue the legacy?

Buffalo:  The Buffalo Nils, at 5-7, are mathematically still in the hunt.  Ever gone hunting mathematically?   Didn't think so.   The Nils are working a 12-year drought, the franchise record.  Can they maneuver safely to 13?   Last division title:  1995 (17 years).  Last Super Bowl Victory:  oh, c'mon.

Oakland Raiders:  After last night's embarrassment  before a national television audience (assuming someone was watching outside of Denver), the hitchhikers to LA are heading for their 11th straight season off the radar.   Their last playoff game was Super Bowl XXXVII, the Chucky Beat-Down Revenge Stuff It Al Game.   A 48-21 drubbing from Tampa Bay that put the Chucky Hex on, which continues to this day.   11 dry years also franchise record.  Last Division Title:  2002 (10)

By the way,  5 (soon to be six) of the Broncos victories are from AFC West teams.  Without their own hopeless division, the Chargers would be 1-12.  The Chiefs, on the other hand,  have beaten only NFC teams.  They need to move.

Cleveland:  The Brownies, still remotely in the playoff picture,  are working the 9-year drought, and that's their franchise record, too.  And to think 9 years only gets them in 3rd here.  Last Division Title: 1989 (20- does not include the 'doormant' years.)  That's doormant, not doormat.  Last Super Bowel appearance-  NEVER.  

St. Louis:   The Lambs stand at 7, which is not their all-time record disappearing act (11).  They are also still faintly glimmering in the playoff light, fresh off the huge upset of the 49ers, which didn't seem at all like an upset after the tie last month.  The Lambs have a legitimate shot to make the playoffs...if they somehow sign 3 new offensive linemen who can pass block.  This is the best bad team in the league, right now.   Last Division Title:  2003 (8)

Jacksonville:  Has it really only been 5 years?  I bet in Gaguar Country, it seems like 100.   

In addition to this minor measure of football inconsequentialness (did I really write that?  I need to get a beer),  

NFL Week 14 Predictions: Paper Lions Cream Cheeseheads

That's right, folks. It's about time for the Detroit Kittens to win a game and it's just in time to screw up the Packers' road to the NFC North Crown (one of the smaller, more tarnished jewels in the NFL Universe). The Pack will win the North, but it won't be pretty.

And who is that sitting on the bench there? Number Zero? Of course, it's George Plimpton, the Paper Lion of 1964. The Oracle claims that is when all the Detroit woes and the hex began.

Allowing a journalist to put on a sacred NFL jersey and take the field as quarterback for five plays offended the Gods of the NFL up there in Valhalla or somewhere like that. I hear they drink a lot of wine made from honey there. Yech. What's wrong with a warm PBR and a hot dog? They have good hot dogs in Chicago at Soldier Field, especially the ones with cucumber and onions on them. MMMM.

Anyway, number 0 offended the NFL Gods and so they put a hex on Detroit that took effect on the last game of the 1964 season when the Cleveland Browns romped over the Lions to take the NFL Championship--the last season without a Super Bowl.

Since then the Lions, er, Kittens, have not been in a NFL Championship game, and according to the Oracle, they never will until George Plimpton officially apologies to the Gods, but we aren't sure if that is going to happen because he died in 2003. Sorry, George, great book, but bad for the Lions. Please find Valhalla up there and apologize!

Until then, the Kittens will continue to find the most spectacular ways to lose, no matter how good or bad they are.

But there is a bright moment on the horizon. This week they stagger into Green Bay to take on the Packers who are locked in 8-4 tie for the NFC North with the Chicago Care Bears. The Kittens will somehow find their mojo and will clock the Packers 35-21.

And now for the rest of the predictions:

Denver-28
Oakland-13

Dallas- 24
Cincinnati- 28

Kansas City- 14
Cleveland- 17

Tennessee- 14
Indianapolis- 28

Philadelphia- 28
Tampa Bay- 31

Atlanta- 28
Carolina- 17

NY Jets- 10
Jacksonville- 9

Arizona- 12
Seattle- 32

New Orleans- 33
NY Giants- 36

Detroit- 35
Green Bay- 21

Gentlemen, make your predictions!