DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 17: THE FINAL INDIGNITY

DOORMAT DIVISION:  THE FINAL INDIGNITY

Well, me and my brother ‘Fish finally got back from the most miserable duck-hunting expedition of our lives in the muck and drizzle of the Middle Earth that is Oregon only to find a guillotine on the Basement patio, and several severed head coaching and general manager heads rolling around in the bushes.  It took us all day to mop up and get around to our final tally of the Run to the Moldy Carpet.   You know, it would have been nice if somebody’d told us ducks fly south for the winter.   I think I have pneumonia.

              

AND THE WINNERS ARE:

THE PHILADELPHIA PHEEBLES AND

THE KANSAS CITY CHEAPS!!!

Coming from out of NOWHERE, the Pheebs bumble their way to their worst season since going 3-13 in 1998,  snag the NFC title in the doormat, get everybody fired that answered a phone at Pheeble headquarters in 2012, and will get their shot at the Moldy Carpet when they meet the Kansas City Cheaps in Toilet Bowl  V,  February 7^th.   LOCATION TBA.

Over in Kansas City, the Cheaps just narrowly outlast the Jacksonville Gaguars in what was a wild final weekend as both teams pulled out all the stops.  The Gags, against the Titanics,  allowed 2 punt return TDs and TWO interception return TDs, which is just jaw dropping determination to get into the god damned Toilet Bowl, but it wasn’t enough!   The Cheaps countered with another game of professional anemia in the kind of touchdown-less drubbing other wannabes can only dream of,  getting trampled by the Broncos, 38-3. 

The Cheaps are worse in almost every category than the Gags, and had the harder schedule- as in, they played a lot more really really really bad teams and still managed to lose almost every single week.  You try losing to the Raiders twice and the Chargers twice.  That’s serious Doormat Cred, and we’ve got the Cheaps wallpaper all ready to go.

But don’t count out the Eagles, because, boy whew howdy.

FINAL STANDINGS

NFC

PHILADELPHIA     4-12       -164

DETROIT                4-12        -65

U. OF PHOENIX     5-11        -107

TAMPA BAY          7- 9         -5

NEW ORLEANS     7-9          +7

AFC

KANSAS CITY        2-14      -214

JACKSONVILLLE   2-14     -189

OAKLAND               4-12     -153

CLEVELAND           5-11     -66

TENNESSEE            6-10     -141

KUDOS AND DUBIOUS ACCOMPLISHMENTS

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHO!!!!!

An astounding 3 teams climbed up out of the muck this year.  The Vikings, Redskins,

Colts were all 10 CLUB (10 losses) members in 2011, and all three have made the playoffs, with the Redskins going so far as to win their division.   The Vikings beat 4 teams with winning records, which is almost unheard of in turn-around seasons (the Lions didn’t do it once last year).   

REDSKINS:  The Shanaplan is impressive.  I’ve always kinda liked to hate this guy, football fan style, but I gotta say the ‘Skins are really fun to watch.  The Read-Option offense looks like some kinda street ball and with RGIII running the show, it just looks like good ol’ fun football.  I would want to play on that team.

VIKINGS:  Last year, the Yikings led the league with 9 come-from-ahead losses. They were terrible.  This year, Adrien Peterson  runs over the entire league, narrowly missing the all-time record for rushing yards, and Christian Ponder pulls himself together and the Vikes win the last four games to crash the playoff party. Add in knocking the Packers down a peg in the playoff seed while pullng off the W yesterday, it’s a warm, fuzzy 14º day in Minneapolis….but let’s remember this is the team that is 0-4 in the Super Bowl, and they always, always ALWAYS find a way to blow it.  Their only chance at the trophy is if the Bills get there too.   And the Bills are already off to the golf course today.  Though I live in 49er land, when I was  kid, I owned a Viking helmet and jersey.  I’ve just learned to assume the worst.  

COLTS:  The tanking-est team in the NFL last season, the DOLTS prove they weren’t that bad (and also prove it was worth it to get Andrew Luck) going from 2-14 to 11-5, and looking like the best team in the AFC South yesterday, clobbering the reeling Houston Texans, who right now look like the charlatans of the league.  All hat and no cattle.

SPECIAL MENTION:  The CINCINNATI BENGALS have back–to-back winning seasons for the first time since before Shirly Temple Black was ambassador to Czechoslovakia.  31 years.  

THE TEN CLUB

If you don’t have 10 losses, you aren’t REALLY BAD.   You don’t fire your coach (usually) and you don’t get our respect.  Except for the Chargers, who would have easily gone 2-14 if they didn’t have to play the Cheaps and the Raydurz.  The Chargers fired everybody, most likely including their PR czar, who ran up the embarrassment flag over at Blots headquarters at mid-season, insulting the fans and giving away the game about just what this team was really trying to accomplish.  They didn't make it, though!  7-9, and the worst 7-9 team...but so what.  You guys aren't even bad enough to get membership in the Basement.  Boo.

 The marquee game for the 10 Club yesterday was the Bills-Jets, as the Jets just laid down and got run over by the Bills, getting both of them membership at 6-10.  Both clubs deserved to be in, but the AFC East was a tough place to lose 10, so hats off to the Nils and Nyets!  Rex Ryan couldn’t even get himself fired.  Now that’s amazing.

HERE THEY ARE:

The returning members:

CLEVELAND BROWNIES (5-11):  5 years in a row now.  The Senior member of the Club.  The President.  The keeper of the Basement Patio BBQ flame.  This year? Not Super Bad, but bad enough. GM and coach heads rolled.   The Brownie tradition continues.  There is a sliver of hope on the horizon, especially if the Steelers continue to get worse.  Chomps is still the mascot, and who wants a svelte captain of the Dawg Pound?  It’s just wrong.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-14):  Two years in a row.  What can you say?  A franchise effort, top to bottom, year-in, year-out.  No firing yet.  Somehow, they went 8-8 two years ago.  They worked out the kinks this year, but still could not snag the Doormat AFC crown.  Curses!  

BUFFALO BILLS:  The Nils make the 10 Club on the next to last week of the season, one ahead of last year. WOW.  That’s 4 years running.  Fire the head coach! Off with his head!  That’ll fix it.

New Members:

OAKLAND RAIDERS (4-12):  yesterday the Raiders fired everybody except the head coach.   It’s a complete rethink for the Silver and Blacked out, but until the Davis family finds an exit strategy, I forsee darkness in the cystal ball, and the Raiders will continue to be prisoners of their own Black Hole.  The Curse of Chucky continues.    Guess who they need to hire as coach.  One guess. I’m tired of seeing that smirk in the broadcast booth.  I want it on the sidelines. 

KANAS CITY CHEAPS (2-12):  That’s right, they only went 7-9 last year, though we were screaming that they were far worse.  They finally got there this year.  With Jim Zorn as QB coach, look for more horrible, bumbling QB play.  Unless they already fired him, along with Romeo Crennel.  Romeo even whipped out a crutch yesterday to garner some sympathy, but it didn’t work.   The Chiefs need new QB, and new receivers, and probably new everything.   Piece of cake.  

DETROIT KITTENS (4-12):  Last year’s underdog-turned-hero,  everybody overlooked the fact that they never beat a team with a winning record.   This year, they couldn’t beat anybody.  The Kitties stink it up at the Kat Box, narrowly missing the NFC Championship, and the bags come out in Lion-Land again.  Welcome back, guys, we saved a spot on the sofa for ya.  So far, no head coach firing.  The entire defense could get sacked, though.  What a bunch of posers.

UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX CARDINALS (5-11):  GM and coach fired!  Really, this team is worse than the Eagles , but they pummeled the Pheebs 27-6 back in Week 3, when they were leading the NFC West.  Remember that?  I don’t.  The Crudinals have a looooooong way to go, so they might as well go down.  This team could be a Moldy Carpet champ next year if it all goes according to plan.

TENESSEE TITANICS (6-10):  Even with yesterday’s evidence that they are no match for the Jaguars,  the Titanics make it back to the 10 Club, and did it with style, getting blown out numerous times, twice giving up 50+ points, and losing by more than 30 five times. 

NY JETS (6-10):   Mark Sanchez in a straight-across trade for Alex Smith?  Alex starts and Sanchez has to battle for 2^nd string on the Niners?  What a pipe-dream, New York.  You’ve got a TERRIBLE TEAM.

WELL, THAT”S GONNA HAVE TO DO IT FOR TODAY!  We’ll be back with the final Awards for the Doormat All-Stars.   I gotta go lie down now and  recover from 8 days in a duck blind. 

aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!

Massive Doormat Tilt: Kansas City vs. San Diego Tonight!

         

I don't know if we could dial up a more perfect game for the Doormat Division.   

The Kansas City Cheaps, a team that has not led a single game all season for even one second, has the worst points given up off turnovers (86) , has a quarterback controversy with two guys that would be lucky to make any other team's practice squad, going against the San Diego Blots- sorry, I mean Bolts- a team that has plummeted from spectacular flame-outs engineered by their non-ballerina QB to a timid conservative non-plan by coach Norv Turner.  

The AFC West is the new NFC Worst, except for Denver, who have learned they have a  winner on their team.  The rest of the suspects are Doormat brethren and we're wiping our feet right now on them out on the patio, heating up the instant coffee on the grill in the 'driving mist.'   We can't WAIT for this game.

Norv Turner Tunes Out

The Non-Chargers are in a free fall, aided by their crafty public relations department, which, after their loss two weeks ago, issued a press release that, basically, told everybody to stop whining and enjoy the losing and screw you for not loving the Blots no matter what and how dare you even come to the park and boo and just stay home. So there!  This kind of maneuver shows that San Diego is working in all departments to get to the Moldy Carpet.  Norv Turner is not alone!

And with that kind of bonhomme reverberating around Qualm-comm Stadium, it should be a home game for the ages, and if the Cheaps can somehow, anyhow, wherever how, win this game...oh, come one, it can't really happen, can it?  Can the Chargers attain true Doormat cred and drop one to a team that has no idea how to score in the first quarter (1 point average)...or the other quarters for that matter?

NO.   Cheaps have the edge, and professional losing criteria,  to continue their march to the Moldy Carpet.  

THE DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 8 WRAP-UP

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 8 

A weekend of pure Doormat ball was played this weekend.  The Cheaps and the Gaguars are still neck and neck in the AFC east while the Carolina Pansies continue to do just enough to lose dang near every game.   Though the Cheaps and Gags do not play each other (what a shame), the Cheaps and Pansies will play the “How Low Can You Go” game on Dec 2^nd  in Kansas City at Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium, the place lousy teams go to get a victory.

STANDINGS

AFC

Kansas City       1-6     -89

Jacksonville       1-6     -85

Cleveland           2-5    -32

Tennessee          2-5    -95

NY Jets              3-5    -32

NFC

Carolina             1-6     -39

New Orleans      2-5     -26

St. Louis            3-5     -49

Washington       3-5     -14

Detroit               3-4     -13

STIFF OF THE WEEK

BROWNS 7,  CHARGERS 6

Finally, we have a bona-fide Stiff of the Week.   1 Touchdown!  Single digits!  15 punts and the winning team punts NINE times!  Absolutely lousy weather.  Neither team clears 270 yards of offense. A butt-numbing slog on the shores of Lake Erie.  Woo-Hoo!!  The Browns threw everything they had at the Chargers, not intercepting Chargers QB Philip Rivers even once, keeping the sacks and pressure to a minimum (1 sack), and punting so often (9) Browns mascot Chomps started retrieving them.  But the Brownies were up against a team that had blown their previous game so spectacularly that the Charger game plan was to NOT MAKE A MISTAKE.  So, the only way to do that with Norv Turner in charge and Mr. Flame-Out at QB was to do absolutely nothing.  Hooray for our Doormat brothers in Cleveland, cashing in a win on what might possibly be the team to lose out the rest of the schedule (them Chargers).   The Blots- I mean Bolts, sorry- aren’t in our top 5 yet, but give it another week or two.   Brownies fall out of first in the AFC. 

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

PATRIOTS 45, RAMS 7

The Lambs were this year’s sacrificial Doormat at Wembley Stadium, and the Patriots got to blow out another team in London in the annual “Here’s One of Our Worst NFL Teams, London!” game. The Rams and QB Sam Bradford made like they wanted a game, jumping out to a 7-0 lead.  The Rams then methodically racked up 12 penalties and 2 interceptions and the Pats scored on 5 straight possessions.  Our foreign correspondent, Kim Ham, was at the game.  We’ll see if we can get a review.  Lambs back in the hunt at 3-5.  NEVER count this team out.  FYI: the Jaguars will be the host Doormat for the next 3 years in London.  It’s a proud moment here in the Basement.

GAME OF THE WEEK

HOSPITALITY IS THE KANSAS CITY WAY

RAIDERS 26, CHIEFS 16

How do you know your team is just really really rahllly bad?  When you bench Matt Cassell for Brady Quinn. And people cheer.  And then, Quinn goes out immediately with a bonk on the head and the fans get Sam back right away.  Horrors, Quinn is out!  Add in a long-time guard who suddenly has to start playing center and the comedy ensues.  3 fumbles, hikes that dropped faster than a Sergio Romo slider, and an interception. 

The Cheaps have STILL not led a single game for even 1 second.  Can they do it for whole season?!  The Raydurz have won 5 straight in KC, which has just got to feel great for Cheaps fans, right down to their sore, bored, butts in those bright red seats.  The Chiefs lead the league in points given up off turnovers:  86!

 The big headline for the Raiders this morning was “Defense finally starting to click.”  REALLY??  HOW CURIOUS.  And it just happened to occur in Kansas City.  I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.  

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

BEARS 23, PANTHERS 22           

The Panthers do it again- outgain their opponent by almost double (416-210), have the lead late….and lose it right at the buzzer.  Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory is the MO in Pansy-land.  4 times already this year!! The Chicago Bears:  the team with the best record (6-1) with the worst red zone percentage (47%).  That’s what the Pansies are here for- to pad the records of teams that need the padding.  Hey, it’s not the Bears fault they’ve had to play St. Louis, Jacksonville and Carolina.   “The Monsters of the Mediocre.”

PACKERS 24,  JAGUARS 15

Once again, nothing fancy- just plain, solid, organized losing.   The Jags outgained the Packers, but their red zone conversions (1-3) were right on track (38% on the year).  Jaguars 1-6 and host the Lions at EverBanking on the Loss stadium next week.

LIONS 28, SEAHAWKS 24

The Seahags and Kittens play a wild one at the Kat Box, with Matt Stafford throwing the winning TD with :20 seconds to go.  Then the Tigers capped off the sports day in Detroit with a rousing…never mind.  Lions should pull even next week at 4-4 if they can withstand the mind-numbing hypnosis of thousands of empty teal seats in Jacksonville. 

BRONCOS 34,  AINTS 14

This just in:  the Aints are pretty bad.  The defense has been just a bounty-free porous hulk of an old steamboat all year, and yesterday the offense decided to join the party.  Peyton Manning has gotten comfortable with his teammates, and the Bronco defense is starting to round into shape.  The AINTS at 2-5 are solidly in the running for the NFC Moldy Carpet.  Solid.

DOLPHINS 30,  JETS 9

The Jets are a real chameleon- one week they’re mediocre, and the next, they’re terrible.

Dolphins answer the question- is it the Jets or Bills of Fins that are the Doormat of the AFC East.  Answer- it’s not the Fins.   Jets pull off getting their punt blocked for TD followed 4 plays later by a Mark Sanchez fumble at the Jets 37 resulting in a Fins TD and Miami was staked to a 20-0 lead.  They just sat on the Jets for the rest of the game.

COLTS 19, TITANS 13

I guess intentionally tanking their whole season last year was a good idea.  Andrew Luck rounds into shape, and the Dolts are 4-3 and look to be exiting the Doormat…but it took overtime against the flailing Titanics to make it happen.  Matt Hasselbeck, who has just been messing up the Titanics Doormat chances, finally loses one.

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 8

Points:   6     Chargers

Yards:  250  Browns

Rush:   19     Cowboys

Pass:  117     Browns

Turnovers:  6   Cowboys

INT:  4             Cowboys

Sacked:  the Cardinals haven’t played yet, so what’s the point?

Penalties:  12-102  Rams (a total of 20 in game with Patriots)

Time of poss:  22:15  Vikings

The End Zone- How Hard Can It Be?

As Walkfish has put up our Week 7 Turkey Spin Predictions,  I thought it might help to have some science added to the gut feeling picks.  Also, coming across Adam Rank's article at NFL.com [http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap1000000081104/article/are-the-chargers-the-worst-team-in-the-nfl] about the Chargers being the worst team in the league got me to thinking that we need some numbers.

The Chargers have proven they can just completely torch themselves.  Norv Turner has an uncanny knack to come up extremely short in any big games.  Philip Rivers is a one-man wrecking crew.  He has poor foot-work, becomes emotionally flustered, and ruins games.  He and Norv are not the guys.  But, I'd pick them to cream the Chiefs.

HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO SCORE THE DAMN FOOTBALL??

The point of the game of football is to score.  Field goals are fine and all, but you put the ball in the end zone and get six.  Get more of those than the other guys, and you win the game.  Simple huh?  Some teams sure don't know how.

Some Stats on our Moldy Carpet contenders:

Percentage of time leading games:

[this is a really hard stat to run down- in fact I only saw it flashed on the screen on TV and have not been able to come up with the right search to find it again. ] 

1. Kansas City Cheaps  0%   Have not lead for one second in any game.  How did they win that game with the Saints?  By kicking a field goal in overtime, which counts as 0% of the time in the lead.    

2. Oakland Raiders 4.9%   kinda hard to have an awesome running game when you are running uphill.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars  5%  Organized losing at a peak.  Norv Turner, take notes.

4. Detroit Lions  6.5%  I don't care if you rack up 25.1 pts a game. You're BEHIND.  You're LOSING.

The percentages on the Jags and Lions are estimates, as the damn stat went off screen before I could write it all down.

To find a picture of a Chief on a breakaway touchdown, I had to go all the way back to Larry Johnson.

WORST RED ZONE SCORING PERCENTAGE (TDs only)

1. Kansas City Chiefs     26.67% 

2. Jacksonville Jags       33.33%

3. Seattle Seahawks      35.29%

4. St. Louis Lambs        35.71%

5. Indianapolis Colts      41.18%

6. Oakland Raiders        41.67%

7.  Cleveland Browns    41.67%

22. San Diego                56.52%

RED ZONE SCORING ATTEMPTS PER GAME

This one is really telling.  Do they even get near it?

1. Jaguars        1.8   You get it under 2, and you are the favorite for the Moldy Carpet.

2. Cleveland    2.0

3. Tennessee    2.3

4.  St. Louis     2.3

5.  Oakland      2.4

6. Kansas City  2.5

7. Buffalo          2.5

28.  San Diego  3.8

These guys spend more time in the end zone than our fearless Doormat Leaders

 1ST QUARTER POINTS PER GAME,  OFFENSE

1.  Chiefs   1.0  What is this, Canadian football? 

2.  Eagles   1.2

3.  Jaguars  1.2

4.  Broncos  2.5  ( of their 3 victories, only game they didn't come from behind to win was Raiders)

5.  Bears    2.6

6.  49ers     2.7    And this is why they are NOT the best team in the league.

1ST QUARTER POINTS GIVEN UP

1. Titans       9.7  Digging a big hole.

2.  Chiefs     8.5  A bigger, better hole, since they come up with 1 themselves.

3.  Panthers  8.0

4.  Raiders    6.8

5.  Saints      6.8

6.  Broncos   6.2

7.  Lions      6.0

3rd QUARTER POINTS PER GAME, OFFENSE

And now for the most telling of all, what happens when you've 'adjusted' at haltime, presumably more than your jockstrap, and come out flat as a pancake and get fertilized?

1. RAIDERS  1.4  I knew it!

2. Bengals      1.7

3. Rams          2.2

4. Packers      2.2 (a-ha!)  compare against last year's league leading 9.0

5. Titans         2.3

6. Lions         2.6  (this is shocking, as the Lions were a great 3rd quarter team last year  at 7.8)

7. Chiefs        2.8  (wow up by 1.7 over the 1st quarter!  Good work, men!)

3RD QUARTER POINTS GIVEN UP

Here's where lying down and dying on the gridiron gets set in bronze for the ages.

1.  RAIDERS!  12.2  Turn off your blacked-out TV at half-time.  

2.  Chiefs         10.3

3.  Bengals       9.5   Never bet against the Bengals chance to lose a game.

4.  Titans         8.0

5. Packers       7.2

6. Cowboys    6.2

7. Chargers     5.8   Hey Look!  The Chargers finally made a top seven!

4TH QUARTER POINTS PER GAME, OFFENSE

And, finally, when you just cannot make a difference when it matters most

1. Panthers  3.8  Dig a hole in the first quarter, and do nothing in the 4th.  Great.

2. Texans    3.8   their defense sits on you at this point.  It's gonna bite them in playoffs.

3. Jaguars    4.0  Jags sit on themselves

4. Dolphins  4.2   Note the next 3 are all AFC East

5. Jets          4.5   

6. Bills         4.7  What's gonna happen when these AFC East teams finally play each other?

4TH QUARTER POINTS GIVEN UP, DEFENSE

Here they are, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, or playing really really wild finishes all the time.

1. Redskins  12.8    (6.8 on offense themselves, so they ALMOST win them)

2. Bills        12.7

3. Titans     12   (the blowout machine, these Titans)

4. Jaguars   10.6   

5. Lions      10.2

6. Steelers    9.4

7. Chargers  8.8  (this went way up this week!)

OPPONENTS RED ZONE SCORING PERCENTAGE

Finally, the Chargers show their qualities

1. Colts        73.68%

2.  Chargers  73.33%

3. Bills          71.43%

4. Bengals     64.71%

5. Falcons     64.29%   wow

NOW make your predictions!

-wacko

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - DOORMAT LEADERS!

1.  THE CHIEFS have not led, for even 1 second, in any game they have played this year.  Yet they have won a game.   How did they do it?

2.  They lead the entire NFL in turnovers with 21.  Not even the fumble machine in Philly matches that (17).

3.  They lead in Takeaway/Giveaways with -15.   Philly a distant second at -9.

4.  They lead in interceptions  (11) and fumbles (10).   

The interceptions are a shared item with Brady Quinn (2) and Matt Cassell  (9)

5.  They have given up a whopping 64 points off those turnovers.  

6.  Why can't the Cheaps go 1-15?  

7.  None of the remaining teams on their schedule currently have a winning record.   They may win one of these by being out-bungled.   Norv Turner and his Chargers come to mind, after the debacle against Denver last night.   

-wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 6: PARITY PARTY

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

WEEK 6

AFC

KANSAS CITY        1-5        -79

CLEVELAND          1-5        -29

JACKSONVILLE    1-4        -73

OAKLAND              1-4        -61

TENNESSEE           2-4        -90

NFC

NEW ORLEANS     1-4       -13

CAROLINA             1-4       -33

DALLAS                  2-3       -25

DETROIT                 2-3      -11

TAMPA BAY          2-3      +19

It's a real dogfight in the AFC, as 4 teams still only have one victory, and right now only Cleveland looks like they are losing the losing touch.

There were FOUR interceptions returned for TDs yesterday (pick-six)!   Who knows what would have happened if Blaine Gabbert and the Jaguars had been playing.  Brett Favre's all-time record of 32.3 is still safe, though.  How do you get a third  of a pick-six?

THE GAMES

BROWNS 34, BENGALS 24

BROWNS WIN!  BROWNS WIN! Twice a year they play the Paul Brown memorial game, and you never know who is going to win this one.  But we picked the Browns this time, and the Bungles obliged!  29-year-old rookie Brandon Weeden throws 2 TD passes and just one INT.  Bungles QB Andy Dalton throws 3 and the killer Pick-Six in the 4th quarter that pretty much iced the game.   Brownies snap their 11-game losing streak, which tied the franchise record.  Brownies fall out of first in the AFC Doormat.    

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

BUCCANEERS 38, CHIEFS 10

Stick a fork in 'em-  they're done!   Cheaps QB Brady Quinn steps in for the injured Matt Cassell and has a Stiff of the Week kind of day-  2 INTS, one Pick-Six and no touchdowns.  The Cheaps only TD was on a hilarious fumble return off a botched punt at the Bucs own 11.   The Cheaps are so bad they managed to get completely blown out by the Bootineers.   Solidly in 1st place in the AFC,  and if the other teams don't get their mojo out of town soon, they won't keep pace with KC.   Bucs drop to 5th in the NFC Doormat (2-3) and have a gaudy +19 points.   This is the Blowout of the Week, because it's one Doormat just thrashing another, but let's face it-  the NY Giants pummeling the 49er 26-3 was the unmatched beat-down of Week 6.

DOLPHINS 17,  RAMS 14

As close as we're going to get to a Stiff-of-the-Week this week, the Lambs rack up 462 yards of offense and LOSE.  The 12 perfectly timed bone-head penalties really helped offset the fireworks.   The Floppers, by contrast, 'pile up' 192 yards of offense, with a stunning 12 on the ground, scrape up 12 first downs and WIN the game.   Miami pulls to 3-3 in the parity party that is the AFC East (all 3-3).

SNATCHING DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY!!

FALCONS 23, RAIDERS 20

What's that, you say?  It's a Carson Palmer Bengals jersey, torched in a Cincinnati backyard a couple years ago.  Yesterday,  Palmer may have burned his own jersey.  Driving towards the go-ahead FG or touchdown late in the game yesterday, on the verge of pulling off the biggest upset in the league this year, Palmer throws the dagger Pick-Six to Asante Samuel- a 79 yard return to paydirt.  Palmer then tied the game with a brilliant drive, only to have the Raydur defense lie down and guide the Falcons down the field for the game winning FG as time expired.   Raydurz 1-4 and they must now focus on being the worst, because being even mediocre is going to be a lotta work.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

LIONS 26, EAGLES 23 (OT)

The Lions may be bad, but the Eagles can pull out the bad and stink up their own stadium better than anybody on any given day.   Michael "Fumbles" Vick loses another one on the carpet and cashes in 2 INTs.  The Lions set the season record so far for penalties with an incredible 16 for 132 yards. That's going to be hard to top.  But they WON.  Kittens fall out of 3-way tie for 1st.   Andy Reid on the hottest hot seat in the NFL.  

JETS 35,  COLTS 9

Dolts (2-3) get back under .500 with a flurry of turnovers (4).  Andrew Luck finds out what getting blown out feels like.

The rest of the Division went golfing (Aints, Gaguars, Pansies).

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 6

Points:           3         49ers (and they're lucky they got that)

first downs:   12       Dolphins

Yards:           192     Dolphins 

Rush:            12       Dolphins

Pass:             141     Bills

Turnovers     4         Colts, Bengals

INT               3        49ers,  Bengals

fumbles lost   2        Colts

sacked:          5        Cardinals

least sacks:    0        Buccaneers (as in, defense)

punts:           8         Browns,  Bills

penalties:     16- 132   LIONS

time of poss:   19:57   Ravens

     

 AAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

NFL WEEK 6: AFC Those Potholes are Really Canyons

IT'S WEEK 6!!!!!!!!

Let's have a visit with our Loss Leaders, and view the rough road ahead.   Today, the AFC

AFC

CLEVELAND BROWNS  (0-5)

Can the Brownies keep losing every week?  They have done something few 'losing culture' teams do- they've flipped the method.  Instead of decent defense and zero offense, they've gone with atrocious defense and wide-open, error-prone offense.   It's impressive.  The only team left with a perfect record, the Brownies are holding a bake-sale this Sunday against the always schizoid Cincinnati Bungles, who are coming off their worst game of the year, losing to the Floppers.   Brownies nearly pulled off a comeback in the first game against the Bungles, and Brandon Weeden had his best game of the year.   652 Tickets still available for you masochists out there.

LOOKING AHEAD down the Pothole Highway:    

Colts (L),  

Chargers (L), 

Ravens (L), 

Dallas (w), 

 Steelers (L), 

Raydurz (?),  

Cheaps (w),  

Redskins (L),  

Broncos (L), 

 Steelers (L)

Predicted Finish:   3-13  somehow, they'll get 3.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS  (1-4)

Like a lot of our leaders this week, the Gaguars have the week off and Blaine Gabbert is busy studying the HOW TO THROW A TD PASS TO  YOUR OWN TEAM booklet.  It was discovered he'd been reading HOW TO THROW A TD PASS TO THE OTHER TEAM (by Brett Favre $9.95 on Amazon), which explains why he threw 2 of them last week.   Now that that has been cleared up, the Gags can look forward to this:   Organized, institutional losing.

down the Pothole Highway:  

 RAIDERS (L)- gonna be tough to blow this one.  Gags will have to really hunker down and make Carson Palmer look like a 'franchise' player instead of the guy who took most of the Bunglonian Fog with him when he left Cincinnati.   If they concentrate on getting the Raiders running game going, they got it.

GREEN BAY (L)- only the Gags can make the Packers look like world champs again, and they'll be up for it.

DETROIT (L) - the reeling fur balls from Purr City get to make like...Lions.

COLTS  (L)-  Andrew Luck has figured it out.  The Gaguars have too.

TEXANS (L)-  right about here all the air will be gone

TITANS (?)-  Nov. 25th This game will be huge in the doormat, where the Gags and Titanics will duke it out for first place in the AFC, as Cleveland will have at least 1 win by this time.

Then, the murderer's row:  

BUFFALO, NY JETS AND MIAMI.   Can they lose to all of them?  What an accomplishment if they do.  The Nils, Jets and Flops couldn't pull it off.  

NEW ENGLAND (L)

TITANICS:  final game of the year for all the marbles in the Doormat AFC

PREDICTED FINISH: 2-14

TENNESSEE TITANICS  1-4

The surprise team of the Doormat in the AFC this year, the Titanics are giving up 36.2 points a game, narrowly edging Beefalo.   Buffalo.  Sorry.  And now they roll out Matt Hasselbeck for an encore performance tonight against the Steelers.  The Steelers are no piece of cake for the loss-  despite the Titanics anemic running game, the Steelers boast an anemic rush defense and if you have a poor defense against the rush then I don't recommend putting a paper bag over your head and having a buddy supercharge it with a massive hit of mind-bending smoke.   

Where were we? 1973? The Steelers lost to the Raiders, for God sake, and made their running game look great (Darren McFadden is a great RB, but the blocking 'schemes' are something you'd see out of Mr. Bean or My Name is Earl).   If the Titanics can lose tonight, they are on their way.  But just like the Jags, they have to contend with the BILLS, JETS, DOLPHINS trifecta.

Down the Pothole Road:

BUFFALO (L)  a million points in this one?  Can the Titans accept the largesse?

COLTS (L)

BEARS (L)  

DOLPHINS (?)

GAGS (?)

TEXANS (L)

COLTS (?)

JETS (L)

PACKERS (L)

GAGUARS-   as above, potential AFC Championship game

PREDICTED FINISH  3-13

KANAS CITY CHIEFS (1-4)

We've certainly got parity in the Doormat- we've got EIGHT teams with one win.  SOMEBODY has to win a second game, and the Cheaps are up against it with the Buccaneers (1-3) this weekend.  Doormat legend Brady Quinn steps onto the gridiron to start a game for the first time in three years, as Matt Cassell sits this one out, still woozy from his concussion and ringing in his ears from the fans cheering like crazy when they realized he was not getting up.   The Cheaps defense is helping immensely, though, to insure losses, and I think they should make it through this one.  Barely.  The Bucs are may be chopped liver, but the Cheaps are toast.  I actually think Quinn will play better than Cassell just long enough to bring it down to a field goal.  Cheaps still horrible in the red zone.

Down the Pothole Road:

BYE (W)

RAIDERS (??)

CHARGERS (L)

STEELERS (L)

BENGALS (L)

BRONCOS (L)

PANTHERS (W)

BROWNIES (L)

RAIDERS (??)

COLTS (?)

BRONCOS (L)

PREDICTED FINISH 4-12

OAKLAND RAYDURZZZZ  (1-4)

The perennial under-achievers of the AFC West, the Raydurz are way under .500 and haven't played well ever since Jason Campbell was unceremoniously thrown to the bench and under the team bus after Carson Palmer arrived.  Campbell may not have been Andrew Luck, but he had figured out how to play smart and they were winning games they should win.  Palmer has no idea. He has an arm. They are not even close to playing smart with Palmer at the helm, but you can never, EVER blame losing on a player when it comes to the Raider way.  It appears to not matter that Al Davis is dead.  Amazingly, it's IRRELEVANT.  This kind of losing is done by coaching it.  I've heard that Darren McFadden is the most exciting RB in football so many times that I just sit and stare at my blacked-out TV and listen to Greg Papa on the radio tell me he's been stuffed for a 1-yard gain.  Nice blocking, guys.  Also, the Raiders fired their entire defensive secondary and replaced it with guys who are no better (and yes some injuries), and maybe worse.  

Lucky for the Silver-and-Blacked Out, they had the week off, so a real team can win a game at the Oakand Coliseum (the A's!!), but now they get to LOSE an easy one to the Falcons.  However, their schedule contains the cream of the Doormat and it's going to be hard to lose them all and take the MOLDY CARPET.  

Down the Pothole Highway:

FALCONS  (L-L-L)

GAGUARS (w)

CHIEFS  (?)

TAMPA (L)

BALTIMORE (L)

SAINTS (L)

BENGALS (L)

BROWNIES (?)

BRONCOS (L)

CHIEFS (?)

PANTHERS (W)

CHARGERS (L)

PREDICTED FINISH 5-11

aaaAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

Doormat Division: NFL Week 5 Preview

Brady Quinn goes up against some tough defense

The Doormat Division Week 5 Preview

(Remember, the team with the EDGE has the best chance to lose.)

This week’s installment of NFL tragi-comedy features some matchups that has Doormat teams everywhere calling NFL commish Roger Goodell and asking for the bye week THIS week.  No dice.  Get your butt out on the field.

Ravens (3-1) at Chiefs (1-3)

Cheaps QB Matt Cassell is putting up Doormat All-Star numbers through Week 4:  5 TDs against 7 interceptions (2^nd place), 13 sacks (4^th), 70.4 rating, not a single completion over 33 yards- all adding up to a powerful ranking of 29^th in the NFL. 

Time to bench this perennial disappointment?  It depends- do you want to win the Moldy Carpet?  Yes?  Then bring in back-up and Doormat God Brady Quinn!!  And you thought he was running a waffle house back in Columbus.  It’s a shame Brady hasn’t been able to find a team bad enough to get a few starts in, because the memories from his days guiding the Brownies to 9 punts and a field goal are still as vivid as my experiences this week after eating a hamburger of dubious lineage at It’s Tops!  Who can forget the Brownie Bomb: the screen pass that sailed over the entire bench and into the crowd with startling accuracy?  The two-skip passes that would’ve looked great if we’re skipping stones on Lake Erie? The 3 and outs that ate up at least :35?  A career passer rating of 66.8 and no stats for the last two years as the Mighty Quinn has been the secret weapon kept on ice by- who knows? 

So, forget it, Cheaps fans, Cassell it is, and good luck to ya.   Now, having said all that, the Ravens can turn in a real stinker on occasion and the Cheaps are going to be really desperate today.  1-3 and the season fading fast……

EDGE: CHIEFS

Browns (0-4) at Giants (2-2)

The Brownies are not better- just different.  Last year at this time they were 2-2, and don’t you forget it.  Brownies QB Brandon Weeden will need at least 2 interceptions to regain the INT King lead, but I think his -4  league leading TD/INT (3-7) ratio is not in danger.  Giants keep everybody in the game, and if it comes down to a field goal the Browns have the foot in Phil Dawson, a perfect 8-8 and 4-4 from over 50 yards.  

EDGE:  Browns, but juuuuust barely

Bears (3-1) at Jaguars (1-3)

The Bears, as usual, have not beaten a team with a winning record yet this year.  The Jags last victory was two weeks ago.  Make that three weeks.  The Gaguars are money in the Doormat Division.

EDGE:  JAGUARS

Dolphins (1-3) at Bengals (3-1)

The Bengals are second in the NFL with 16 sacks, and rookie Flopper QB Ryan Tannehill gets to check it out first hand.  If they can’t get to Tannehill, look out- the Bengals do give up points and passing yards.

EDGE:  DOLPHINS

Texans (4-0) at Jets (2-2)

Texans should just pummel the Jets for two humiliating defeats at home in a row for Rex Ryan’s lost army.  If Mark Sanchez doesn’t do something quick, like avoid 9 punts and a goose egg, Ryan is going to have to think about something he doesn’t want to think about.  Timmmeeeeeee!  WR Santonio Holmes is out.  What else can happen to the Jets?

EDGE:  JETS

Bills (2-2) at 49ers (3-1)

Democratic Nils QB Ryan Fitzpatrick should get back in front of Tony Romo in the INT race, and maybe even chalk up another INT for a TD.  The possibilities are endless for this game.

EDGE:  BILLS

Titans (1-3) at Vikings (3-1)

The Titanics wheel out museum piece Matt Hasselbeck and stun the Vikes.   Vikings still beat them.

EDGE:  Titans

Packers (2-2) at Colts (1-2)

The Dolts rest a week, make a good game plan, and Andrew Luck shreds the Packer defense while Aaron Rodgers tries to get his sack lead back.   Colts win.

EDGE:  Meat Packers

Seahawks (2-2) at Panthers (1-3)

Cam “gimme the ball” Newton gets a win.  Somebody has to have a losing record in the NFC West.

EDGE: Seahawks

Chargers (3-1) at Saints (0-4)

This is, without a doubt, the most improbable combination.  Somehow the Chargers are 3-1 and the Saints have stumbled so badly that the paper bags are coming out in New Orleans.   Norv Turner will have his team ready for this one.  They get the loss.

EDGE:  Chargers

The Doormat Division: NFL Week 12 "Desperation Weekend" Wrap Up

Desperation Weekend!

It’s over. The teams that didn’t REALLY want to be Doormats, but have been learning the art anyway, will have to change their sights and aim DOWNWARD from now to the end of the season. The teams that have been working for the Moldy Carpet Trophy now have 5 games to lock down the Andrew Luck Award. Are the Colts a lock? Can the Yikings catch them?

Holy Mackerel, where to start? Let’s start where it hurts the most:

Denver Broncos 16, San Diego Chargers 13 (OT)

The Basement is 100% on it’s picks for the weekend, except for this game, thanks to the Denver Buncos. Predicted to be a tie, the Buncos blow it by kicking a field goal with :29 seconds left in overtime…less than a half a minute away from the elusive eternal deadlock. You know the Buncos always find a way to irritate me. This is what I get for picking them as my team in the AFC for the Moldy Carpet. I can’t wait for the Raiders-Buncos rematch…but that’s not until next year, unless somehow these teams both get into the playoffs. And why not? The Charge-its fall to a ripe 4-7, and the Donkey-Buncos continue to ride the Tebow phenomenomenomenenom into the upper strastophere, arriving at 6-5. Even more scary is these guys, who are on helium, could win 4 out of their last 5 games and finish 10-6!!!! Somebody shoot me. Somebody shoot their balloon. Charge-its completely disintegrating and Norv Turner will be out of a job just as soon as they can get to the finish line. At least they wore the light blue suits.

Cincinatti Bengals 23, Cleveland Browns 20

They started blowing the Bunglonia Fog early yesterday, the pall over Paul Brown stadium that renders all teams unable to play a normal game. But now, with just enough offense, and just enough idiotic plays, the Bungles are winning- and our blank helmet band of Dawgs, the Brownies, are doing what they do best- blowing the game.

Raising the art of the muffed FG attempt to, well, an ART, the Brownies neutralize one of the best kickers in the league (Phil Dawson) by screwing up the hike or the hold yet again (2 times in 3 games!), this time with 1:51 left, and a chance to take the lead. These guys are pros.

Technically, neither of these teams have a logo on their helmets. It’s the Paul Brown legacy. But, until the Brownies put Chomps on their helmets, it’s the basement for these dawgs.

Washington Redskins 23, Seattle Seahawks 17

When you can have a fight break out during the coin toss, you know you’re in the Bonehead Forest. But, never count Pete Carroll out of a Doormat Duel. Ever. With 12 minutes left in the 4^th quarter, the Seahags had only 15 first downs, just barely over 200 yards of offense, but were AHEAD 17-7 against the Basement Barnstormers, the Deadskins. Slamming on the brakes and shoving it into reverse, the Hags surrender 16 points faster than you can say “is that another Starbucks?” and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. The Deadskins have their loss string snapped at 6 games, despite racking up 2 interceptions, 10 penalties for 115 yards, 3-10 on 3^rd down, and missing an extra point. That’s not enough against the Hags.

Atlanta Falcons 24, Minnesota Vikings 14

The Yikings check in with the worst overall stats for a team that lost yesterday (see the Houston Texans), 12 first downs, 226 yards of total offense, and doing nothing with their first 6 possessions, except going mostly backwards, and punting with impunity. The Falcons don’t play doormat ball, but, just to make things fun, threw in a 6-yard punt in the 4^th quarter, easing the Yikes into the endzone, so they ended up with a 2 touchdown game. Yikes keep the pressure on the Lambs, tied for the NFC Doormat lead at 2-9.

Go Yikes!

Arizona Cardinals 23, St. Louis Rams 20

What a Doormat battle this was. 4 fumbles, 2 interceptions, 12 punts, a missed FG, and an ability to get rid of the ball faster than any other teams in the league. 15 possessions alone for the Lambs, averaging a Doormat Gold 18 yards per possession. Crudinal QB John Skelton did what could, sliding into the finish with a 30 QB rating on the day, but it’s not enough against the Lambs, who can lie down on Broadway, or anywhere you like, better than anybody in the NFC. The Lambs are tops at redemption for the other team’s goats. This time it was for Beenie Wells, whose fumble led to the Lambs tying TD in the 4^th quarter. On the next possession, the Lambs rip open the line, and Wells trots for 53 yards (228 total for the game), setting up the game-winning FG. Lambs also punt 7 times, and it was enough as Crud’s returner Patrick Peterson snags his 4^th punt return for a TD this year. If you haven’t gotten a huge long gainer yet this season, check your schedule for a game with the Lambs, and circle it. You’re in.

Carolina Panthers 27, Indianapolis Colts 19

Where else could the Carolina Pansies finally win a road game (2 years since the last one)? Folks need to stop taking so many pictures of the helpless Peyton Manning on the sidelines. This is Chris Painter’s, and the entire Dolt defense’s, moment of glory.

0-11, and safely past one of the last remaining obstacles to a perfect season, the Dolts have only the Gaguars left on the schedule to worry about. Will we see Mr. 0-16, Dan Orlovsky, next week? The Basement is on the edge of it’s tattered orange couch.

Pittsburgh Steelers 13 Kansas City Cheaps 9

This game had everything. 1 touchdown. The classic opening field goal followed by utter futility (three straight turnovers!!). Zero trips to the red zone for the Cheaps. Ultra-green QB Tyler Palko cannot get under the bar set by John Skelton, but still comes in with a very respectable Doormat QB rating of 40.9. Better luck next week Tyler. To be fair, the young man actually looks like he might play well someday, should he play for a team that bothers to develop quarterbacks. Somebody resurrect Lamar Hunt, so he can fire Todd Haley. But not too soon! The Cheaps are on a serious roll, and can still finish 4-12. They’re going to make the “10” club, at least. The Cheaps make no trips to the red zone and still have not had a touchdown drive from inside their own 20 in about 45 possessions. So, quite literally, all you have to do with these guys is just keep pinning them inside their 20, and score one toucdown and toss in a field goal, and that’s the ballgame. Arrow-thru-the–head Stadium was a pow-wow of boos yesterday. It’s music to the Basement. Cheaps victories have come against the Dolts, the Yikes, the Charge-its, and the Raydurz on the day Carson Palmer joined the team and he and Kyle Boller had no idea where anybody was (the six interception doozy). These guys are really really really so much worse than their record.

New England Patriots 380, Philadelphia Eagles 20

DeDrop Jackson muffs two TD catches, the Pheebles are the most undisciplined team in the league, and Andy Reid is steering this team with all the focus and attention of teenager in chemistry class at 8am the morning after smoking 15 bong hits, drinking 7 mountain dews, and playing Call of Duty until 5am. Like the Nils, the Pheebles are masters of piling up useless yardage (466) and really having no shot at winning the game.

If this guy cannot get fired (doesn’t anybody that runs that franchise read what this guy says every week?), it means the the whole team, from top to bottom, is on the same page, and that’s shooting for a 10 loss season, and a total plummet into oblivion next year. Watch this team dismantle completely. What a show.

Houston Texans 20, Jacksonville Jaguars 13

How do you get only 9 first downs, 215 total yards, punt 10 times, play your 3^rd string QB, and win a game? Play the Jacksonville Gaguars! A 19 punt game, tying last week’s Lambs-Seahags Punt-a-thon, the Gaguars stay out of the red zone, and score their only TD on a fumble return at the start of the game. Another quiet afternoon at Sea Of Teal Empty Seat Stadium. The Texans have 17 possesions, and average 12.6 yard per possession, punting the last 7 times they had the ball. There were 11 straight punts to start the 2^nd half. They should have just erected a net at the 50 yard line and had the cheerleaders play volleyball.

New York Jets 28, Buffalo Bills 24

I want to feel sorry for the Nils, but I just can’t. They’re back in the basement, just barely, at 5-6, but they deserve it. I saved this one for last because I want to give the Doormat MVP of Week 12 to Buffalo wide receiver Steve Jackson. You want Bonehead Forest? Here it is: Jackson catches a TD pass from Ryan Fitzpatrick, and performs an end zone dance that included pretending to shoot himself in the leg- a glaring dig at Plaxico Buress on the Jets sideline. Penalty! The Nils have to kick off from about the 3 yard line, botch the line drive kick, it bounces off a Jet, and the Jets recover at the Buffalo 35 yard line. 4 plays later, guess who catches a TD pass for the Jets? Plaxico. Isn’t Plaxico a Venezuelan oil company? Not done yet with his MVP performance, Jackson and company manage to drop about 15 passes on the day, and Jackson tops it off with a WIDE-OPEN drop on Buffalo’s final drive that had TD written all over it, which would have won the game. Way to go, STEVE!!! Nils lose the most desperate game on Desperation Weekend. Time to shift gears, guys.

THIS WEEKS NFL WORST STATS WEEK 12

Points: 6 49ers

First downs: 9 Texans

Yards: 170 49ers

Rush: 53 Packers

Pass: 96 49ers

Sacked: 9 49ers

3^rd dwn conv: 1-9 Dolts

Turnovers: 4 Cheaps

Penalties: 10-115 Deadskins

Punts: 10 Texans

Avg poss: 12yds Texans

aaaaAAAAAAAnd THATS the View from the BASEMENT!!