DOORMAT DIVISION: WEEK 15 - PIG PILE IN THE BASEMENT!

It was nerve wracking- hitting Week 15 and there were only three teams with 10 losses. Curse you, parity.  But yesterday fixed that, and the Basement is a cozy, if a little stinky, circle of teams helping themselves to the bean dip and arguing about who’s wallpaper will grace this hallowed rumpus room when all the astro-turf has settled and the Gatorade has dried. 

Welcome to the 10 Club, Cleveland (6 years in a row), Oakland (2), Tampa Bay (new member) and Jacksonville (3).  Old friends, mostly.  It’s just an embarrassment of riches.  Emphasis on embarrassment.  But that’s where we come in.  Here, your inept coaching and lackluster performances, your turnover mill and forgotten playbooks are celebrated and given a shot at History and a trophy!  Not everybody has a mission in life. Do you even have a mission statement?

THE MOLDY CARPET TROPHY!

As you can see here, it's important to  keep the 

Moldy Carpet Trophy in a safe location during the season, 

Teams in contention-   Houston (2-12). Barring a complete collapse, the Toxins should take the AFC in the Doormat.  Charging hard are the Browns (4-10) and the Raiders (4-10).  After scaring us with multiple victories,  Jacksonville (4-10) is back in the mix. 

Over in the NFC,  the Washington Redskins (3-11) moved one game ahead of Atlanta (4-10), and now own the tiebreaker.  Also returning to respectability in the Doormat is Tampa (4-10), who almost made the mistake of looking up.  The Vikings (4-9-1) could still win it all (lose it all, what do I really mean, here?), but after yesterday’s game, I don’t think their heart’s in it.

NFC BRAGGING RIGHTS

REDSKINS 27, FALCONS 28

The Battle for the Basement in the NFC did not disappoint yesterday.  I really thought the Falcons had the tools to blow this game when it counted, but the Redskins came at them with everything they had.  Redskinks skipper Mike Shanaplan’s bold move of the week, benching the beat up and demoralized RGB III and running a fresh back-up out there in Kirk Cousins, produced some great results: SEVEN turnovers- 5 lost fumbles and two interceptions which resulted in 20 Atlanta points.  Still, the whole thing almost backfired when the Stinks found themselves at the 2-yard line, going for a 2-point conversion with 18 seconds to go, with the game on the line. Fumble? Interception? The tension was so thick you coulda made an ulcer out of it.  Not to worry, Cousins put it right where a Falcon could deflect it, the game ends with a thud and the Skins skulk out of Georgia with their biggest loss of the year.  Redskins #1 in the NFC today.

BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK

RAIDERS 31,  CHIEFS 56

It’s hard to call this a blowout when the Raiders actually pulled to 34-31 in the third quarter, but 7 turnovers and a total 4^th quarter collapse resulting in the biggest point total ever given up by the Silver and Blacked Out gives it enough cred.  Interstate 880 ran right through the stadium yesterday with tire tracks right over the helmets of the entire Oakland defense…whenever they got close enough to get run over, which wasn't often.

Injury update:  Raider RB Darren McFadden will play next week.  The team did not disclose what type of new injury he is going to sustain, but coach Dennis Allen informed the media that “it should happen well before half-time.” 

GIANTS 0,  SEAHAWKS  23

In our Week 15 preview, I said the Giants were just trying to get out of the way, and boy did they do the job. Giants get second shut-out of the season, no small accomplishment.  The last time a team got shut out twice in a season?  You really think I’m looking that up?  Eli Manning goes nuts, throws 5 interceptions and takes a huge lead for the INT crown.  25 for Mr. Manning, 21 for Geno Smith (who only managed one yesterday).  At least the New York media has something to write about. 

UPSETS OF THE WEEK:

VIKINGS 48,  EAGLES 30

Just because I predicted it doesn’t mean I’m not shocked, okay?  Finally, after a lot of false starts, we have some upsets.  It’s been bleak, waiting for one of our Doormat brethren to get off the moldy carpet and clock somebody.  The Vikings, in their next-to-last last game in the Hubert H. Humprhey Metrodome, play a miracle game without any of their ‘star’ player.  Yes, that’s singular.  Next year, the Vikes will play OUTDOORS at the University of Minnesota’s field, so everybody can just be a little more miserable.  The new stadium, which features dramatic design and a ship-like soaring prow, will be ideal for football, picnics and any event that requires a soaring prow. 

RAMS 27,  SAINTS 16

Don’t tell me you saw this coming.  Nobody picked the Rams, except some lucky slobs in Vegas who can’t get all the money into their Chevy Aveo trunk this morning.  Let’s not forget, though, that the Lambs, in their fantastic 2-14 2011 season, beat these same Saints, 31-21, and it wasn’t even that close, as the Saints got all their points in garbage time.   At 6-8 the Lambs still have a shot at 10 losses (Bucs and Seahawks coming up), but I think they’ll clock the Bucs.  The Lambs have had to play 6 games against the Cards, Hawks and 49ers.  They’ve had the toughest schedule in the league.  The Saints were an easy game for them.  

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

BROWNS 31, BEARS 38

The come-from-ahead losses just keep piling up, and yesterday was the best-  21 straight 4^th quarter points for the Bears.  Flame on!  Flame out!  Blank Helmet Football marches on.

TOXINS 3,  COLTS 25

You know when you are really bad when you can’t even get top billing in the league you are winning.  Houston turns in another loss, but this time, with Wade Phillips driving, they just come out flat right away and play terrible for the whole game, and lose by more than 20 points.  Much more efficient than all those exhausting close games.

BILLS 27,  JAGS 20

The Jags, once expected to go 0-16,  out-class the Nils and get to the 10 Club before they do.  Ha!  Jags reassert their qualities before the winning gets out of hand. The Bills get Miami and then New England next, both teams scraping for playoff positions, so 10 losses will come along before it’s all done.   

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 15 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Washington          3-11        305-434

Tampa Bay           4-10        258-324

Atlanta                4-10        309-388

Minnesota            4-9-1       363-425

NY Giants             5-9         251-357

AFC                                                          .

Houston               2-12        253-375

Jacksonville         4-10        221-399

Cleveland             4-10        288-362

Raiders                 4-10        295-393

Buffalo                 5-9          300-354

The Doormat Division: The Final Countdown Week 17

The Final Countdown

It’s here. The last weekend of the regular season in the Doormat Division. One last weekend of expert bumbling, fumbling and grumbling and then you can take off that clown suit, put on a disguise, and hope nobody recognizes you on your way to the airport.

THE MOLDY CARPET hangs in the balance on Sunday, and may the loser take all.

San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams

My local paper’s headline today: “Lowly Rams Have Nothing to Lose.”

People, PEOPLE! They have everything to lose. They have EVERY REASON to lose. They have the best reason to lose, and to lose super duper ooper big. It’s for the MOLDY CARPET trophy and the first pick in the draft. And, unless I read these people wrong, they won’t draft an offensive lineman or somebody, ANYBODY, for defense, they’ll take Andrew Luck and really screw up Sam Bradford’s head. Why stop now? Down to their 14^th string QB, the Lambs will be pulling out all the stops, pulling up their pantyhose and putting a cherry on the top of the kind of season other Doormat teams only can dream about. And if they can finish this season with one more big fat ‘L’, and a Dolts victory, they will have nailed down a season that was put together way back in truncated training camp in Earth City, MO. Earth City. The name just says DIRT.

Though the Lambs and Niners can play some dreadful games (see the last 5 years), the Lambs warmed up last week by not scoring a point, and will be shooting for a repeat goose egg. They didn’t score the last time these two met, so I don’t see why not. If they ‘zero-out,’ they will finish the season with 166 points, a sparkling 10.3 average that puts them in some very elite company. They can’t get under the truly rarified air of under 10, inhabited by no one since the Seahags of ’92 (8.75), the orange pants of Tampa in ’77 (7.3) and the Falcons of ‘74 (7.9). No, ’77 wasn’t the year the Bucs lost them all. That was ’76. Great times in Tampa back then.

In addition to maybe winning the whole Losing Season, the Lambs are a lock to take Worst Offense, Fewest Points and Fewest TDs, are tied for Most Sacks (52 with Cardinals), in the lead for Most Punts (100 to the Jaguars 97), have the lead for Worst Kicker (73% on FGs), and are a lock for Worst Run Defense. The Lambs also give up more big gainers that just put the ice pick into the heart of hope than any other team in the league.

Their only ace in the hole for Sunday is if the 49ers punter, Andy Lee, is obsessed with beating out Shane Lechler of Oakland for Biggest Foot, and starts kicking every punt into the end zone and gives the Lambs some breathing room to actually move the ball. The Punt Derby is intense! Lechler has a 50.7 average and Lee is at 49.8. Reaching 50 yards per punt usually takes being on a team that can’t get past their own 35 yard line on at least 8 possessions a game. Which explains how Donnie Jones of the Lambs did it in 2008! Lechler also cleared the bar in 2009 (JaMarcus “Purple Drank” Russell at the helm for the Rayduuuuurrrrz). Before that? You have to go all the way back to Slingin’ Sammy Baugh in 1940, checking in with the NFL all-time best 51.7. And the ball was fatter. Sammy sure wasn’t, that’s for damn sure.

EDGE: LAMBS

BUT NOT SO FAST!

Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars

The Dolts are dangerous now. They’ve won two in a row, and now here come the Gaguars, who have already shed their coach, won the requisite ‘new coach’ game since then, and really have to get going, as those tee times at the golf courses of Florida don’t just sit around waiting for you. The Gags can’t even win the Florida Bowl, as Tampa has come out of nowhere and just clocked the Gags and the Dolphins (capping that with a titanic 41-14 loss to Jacksonville in week 14). Only thing left is can QB Blaine Gabbert finish under 50% on competions (50.1% right now!) and take the Worst QB Title. The Dolts? This team needs the #1 draft pick and Andrew Luck more than just about anybody. Peyton Manning is now a coach, basically. He needs somebody to coach. But if the Dolts don’t bench Dan Orlovsky, it’s going to be hard to lose this one. I’m going out on a big limb, like a three toed sloth- the Dolts can’t win 3 in a row. It’d be like the Rings of Saturn turning into Skittles.* The Gaguars, somehow, God I don’t know how, will win this game. It will be the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen. The Dolts will take the Moldy Carpet and still get Lucky.

EDGE: DOLTS

*this is assuming the Rings of Saturn are, in fact, not Skittles presently.

The REST OF THE GODS OF GAWDAWFUL!

Buffalo Bills at New England

The Nils shoot for loss #10, completely unthinkable back in week 8. Ryan Fitzpatrick, in a 4-way dead heat for Most Interceptions (19), will be going all out against the Pats, who have, what a coincidence, 19 INTs on the season. You gotta believe,

EDGE: NILS

Chicago Un-Bears at Minnesota Yikings

This should be a whopper of a flopper. Yikings won last week, and now get to play inside, away from that bothersome outdoor world and everything. Eww! Gosh, I hope the field has that radiant heat thing going on, because I just hate landing on unheated Astro-turf. My Yikings are so annoying, they can’t even lose properly, they can’t win the Moldy Carpet, they can’t make the playoffs, they can’t win the Super-Bowl and they can’t even bring back the purple pants. Joe Kapp decked somebody at a dinner for old jocks last month, and that’s about the best thing I can say for the Vikings. I don’t believe these guys can win two in a row, but remember, this is my team, so my judgement is clouded over like the ice on a busy fishing day on the lake.

EDGE: Yikes

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Atlanta

Want a shock? The Bucs beat the Falcons, waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in week 3, 16-13, en route to their 3-game winning streak, which was followed by the ominous 48-3 loss to the 49ers, but then followed by their ultra shocking win against the Saints. Since then? 9 straight bomb jobs that has had jaws, and footballs, dropping all over the NFL. These guys have been hoisting the Worst Team of the Week flag repeatedly in the Doormat. Josh Freeman has come out of nowhere to tie for most INTS, and has got his team only one fumble behind for the Worst Hands Awards, at 27. Just ahead of them are the Broncos (with Fumble King Tim Tebow checking in with 11) at 28, and the Dolphins at 28. Now, you can’t win the Florida Derby and have some team in Miami put it on the carpet more than you, so look for LaGarrette Blount (5), Freeman (8), and fumble God Preston Parker (8) to really ramp it up on Sunday. Johnny Depp can’t drop the treasure any better than these Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything.

EDGE: Bucs

Seattle Seahawks at University of Phoenix Cardinals

Last year, this would have decided who won the NFC Worst. But now the 49ers have screwed that up, and these teams are mired in either going 8-8 or 7-9, which are neither winning seasons nor a place inside the Basement. Go 7-9 and we’ll let you hang around the BBQ all Winter on the patio, but that’s it. C’mon, be a man and lose 10. Honestly.

EDGE: I don’t care and neither should you.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns

For some reason, the good people of Cleveland are being asked to attend a football game on New Years’ day that involves the Blank Helmet Boys. How this says Happy New Year, I don’t know. The free boxes of Chomps Cereal (with special New Year’s day flavor, “Hangover”) at the gate aren’t really going to help. Just another Brownie Bake Sale by the Lake. When will it all end? Oh, yeah, around 4:30 Sunday. Get your orange OFF.

Washington Redskins at Philadephia Eagles

The Deadskins made the 10 club last week, showing their mettle in a hard fought loss agains the Vikings that cemented their membership in the Doormat. The Eagles, on the other hand, have won 3 in a row, can make it to 8-8, and you aren’t a doormat if you do that, no matter how imploded you once were this season. It’s been fun to watch these guys create some of the most creative losses of the season, and on prime-time, too, but they can’t blow the last game…can they?

EDGE: Deadskins

Enjoy this last gasp of flailing!

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!!

The Doormat Division NFL Week 16 Wrap-Up and Disposal!

It's Xmas morning, so I gotta start grilling some coffee for 27 people in a minute:

The MOLDY CARPET runs thru Jacksonville, just like we predicted about 8 weeks ago. The Indianpolis Dolts, insane winners of two in a row (this just isn't done in the Doormat), and the St. Louis Lambs are neck and neck as we near the finish line. The Dolts have to blow it in Gaguar land, and the Lambs just have to lie down peacfully in San Francisco, like the goose egg they put up yesterday in Pittsburgh, and the Trophy goes back to St. Louis. I really can't believe the Dolts can win 3 in a row....but I didn't think they would win 2, so let's just see if the Gags go on vacation early. It's going down to the WIRE. Important timing- the Dolts-Gags game will be over before the the Lambs-Niners game starts, so the Lambs will know if they still have a chance right before kick-off. The Moldy Carpet is ready!

PLAYOFF BOUND!

Perennial losers the Detroit Lions have made the playoffs for the first time since 1492 (1999), and are looking like just maybe they could even win a game, especially if the 49ers get a first round bye. Niner-Lions rematch would be really juicy, however. Lions leave the ranks of the hopeless, leaving behind the Oakland Raiders as Doormat Kings (yes that's right, they really are worse, over a longer period of time, than anybody else). The Raiders, amazingly, can make the playoffs next week, even with Bunglonian Fogman Carson Palmer at the controls. If Tim Tebow can continue to make a nose dive, the Raiders will also climb out of the muck. They are, at least, guaranteed a .500 record, which does keep them off the patio in the Basement (you must lose at least 10 games to be allowed inside). It's such a shame the last game isn't the Raiders and the Buncos in Oakland. But, at least, it will keep down the homicide rate in Oakland for a day.


The 10 Club:

Already in: Tampa Bay Bootineers, St. Louis Lambs, Indianapolis Dolts, Minnesota Yikings, Jacksonville Gaguars.

Just in: Miami Floppers make the 10 club, and look to have nailed down "Best 10 Loss Team in the NFL." How many games can you lose by 7 points or less? Good grief. The Washington Deadskins make the 10 club, amazingly getting farther under the bar than the Minnesota Yikings. If you can lose to the Yikings, you can lose to anybody.

Still hopeful: 2 of the better tank jobs in the league this year- the Kansas City Cheaps and the Buffalo Nils. The Carolina Pansies can also make it, despite Cam Newton's arrival as the best offensive player in the NFL (holy moley look out). And their chances are good- they have to play the Saints and the Saints will still be fighting for a chance to be #2 seed in the NFC, as the 49ers play the late game. This game will be WILD. Tune in if you can.

Special week 16 mentions:

The Tampa Bay Bootineers lose three more fumbles and toss in an interception to nail down Worst Team of the Week for about the 8th week in a row, getting pasted by Carolina 48-16.

Early Doucet of the Arizona Crudinals will never backpedal while wide freaking open with a chance to tie or win the flipping game. Bonehead Forest play of the day.

NFC STANDINGS

St.Louis Lambs 2-13
Minnesota Yikings 3-12
Tampa Bay Bootineers 4-11
Washington Deadskins 5-10
Carolina Pansies 6-9

AFC STANDINGS

Indianapolis Dolts 2-13
Jacksonville Gaguars 4-11
Cleveland Brownies 4-11
Miami Floppers 5-10
Kansas City Cheaps 6-9

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd that's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!

Moldy Carpet Clouded in Beer Soaked Fog!!

Indianapolis Colts 19, Houston Texans 16

Never in the NFL, ever, has a team with 1 win beaten a team with 10 or more wins. Until last night! The Dolts, reeling from their first win of the year, can't recover and win another before they know what's happening. Down 16-12 with 2 minutes to go, Dan Orlovsky completes at 40 yard rocket to Reggie Wayne, placing the Dolts deep in Texan territory with a shot to win the game. WTF?? Indy is not used to this. But never fear, as the Texans, who are not interested in the Dolts winning the Andrew Luck Moldy Carpet Sweepstakes, commit 3 penalties, one of which was just about the lamest call I've ever seen, so the refs were in on it, too. After all the yellow flags were retrieved, and the artificial turf settled, the Dolts were at the 1 yard line with 19 seconds to go.
Orlovsky then ended the whole thing with a pass to Reggie Wayne in the end zone. The only thing left to do was to fight over who got the game ball. Wayne and Orlovsky played hot potato for a couple minutes, but Orlovsky took it home.

Dolts rack up an astronomical 320 yards of offense and win their second in a row, which just about no other Doormat has done all year. Their street cred is suddenly shaky. AND MORE IMPORTANT, it's a TIE for first in the Doormat Division!!

Dolts 2-13
Lambs 2-12
Yikings 2-12

Tomorrow is HUGE. the Lambs are at Pittsburgh, with Big Ben most likely sitting this one out and Charlie Batch fumbling around at QB for the Steelers. This gives the Lambs a ghost of a chance. Better start rattling them chains, guys. It's still a tall order. Kellen Clemens gets the call at QB for the Lambs. Lambs still lead the league in giving up long gainers, so just spin a bottle on your Steelers roster, there, and pick somebody to go long.

The Yikings have the Deadskins, and they could actually win that game. It's a toss-up. With the Dolts facing the Gaguars in their final tilt, they could 'win out' the season (try not to laugh, ok?) and finish out of the Moldy Carpet and no Andrew Luck. And no Matt Barkley, because he's staying at USC.

Looks like the Lambs could be ruining Luck's life next season, with Josh McDaniels, the evil mastermind of poorly developed quarterbacks, taking on the mentoring duties. Actually, I doubt the Lambs draft Luck. But, improbably, the Lambs now have the inside track to the Moldy Carpet.

AMAZING!!