Doormat Division: NFL Week Five Wrap-Up and Disposal

Doormat Division:  Week 5 

 Know What You’re Made Of

There’s no getting around it-  Week 5 in the NFL identifies who is going up and who is going down, and who’s Beefalo is cooked.  And to make room for that happy meal, I’ve cleared off the coffee table (ok it’s a palette we stole out of the Safeway dumpster) here in the Basement for the most chewed up team in sports, the Buffalo Nils!

THE STANDINGS

AFC

Cleveland Browns   0-5

Jacksonville Jags     1-4

Tennessee Titans     1-4

Kansas City Chiefs  1-4

Oakland Raiders      1-3

NFC

New Orleans Aints    1-4

Carolina Panthers      1-4

Detroit Lions             1-3

Tampa Bay Bucs       1-3

Washinton Redskins  2-3

 Stick a Fork in ‘em- They’re Done!

BLOW-OUT OF THE WEEK

49ers  45,  Bills  3

In the last 2 games, the Buffalo Nils have given up 97 points,  1201 yards,  two +300 yard passing games, three 100-yard games to running backs and four 100-yard games to receivers.  Alex Smith chalked up a 156.2 passer rating, 2.1 shy of a perfect game.  The Nils defense is so porous, they’re going to start marketing a commemorative sponge.   It was the first time EVER that an offense in the NFL went over 300 yards passing and 300 yards rushing.  EVER.  That means since the beginning of time.  Think of the vast expanses of space, expanding outward, in search of a linebacker.  

But things are looking up for the Nils here in the Basement.  Instead of their usual 400 useless yards of offense, they hunkered down and crossed the finish line with 10 first downs and a Doormat acceptable 204 yards.   Harvard beard Ryan Fitzpatrick chalked up only one interception (I thought he’d get a pick-6 for sure) to stay in 3^rd for the Interception King race.

They may be only 2-3, but with their two ‘wins’ being against KC and Cleveland, maybe it’s time to fold the tent and follow the herd.  The Nils continue their  NFC West Annihilation Tour next week in Arizona.

Stiff of the Week

CHEERING IN KC!!

RAVENS 9, CHIEFS 6

How fed up are the nice people in the Midwestern village of Kansas City?  They serenaded Matt Cassell with cheers as he was carted off the field- not because they were glad he was OK, but because he was out of the game, and Doormat All-Star Brady Quinn could come in and…nail down the loss. 

Not since 1980 when Dan Pastorini broke his leg for the 2-2 Oakland Raiders has a crowd been happier to see a QB get the hell off the field.  The difference is the Raiders had supposedly washed-up Jim Plunkett, everybody’s favorite football playing Native American (sorry Jim Thorpe), pacing the sideline, itchin’ to start throwing deep into triple coverage that always came up gold.  The rest is history- the Raiders stampeded through the schedule and won the Super Bowl.  

So, same for KC, right?  Uh, NO.  Sam Cassell came up with 4 turnovers yesterday (2x2), grabbed a tie for the INT King lead (9) and…you know, this game was on the tube.  It was truly funny to watch the Cheaps bungle one red zone opportunity after another.  First and goal at the 7 turned into first and goal at the 20. This is prime Doormat hard reverse football.   This is the only team in the league (well, maybe the Jags, too) that can be behind 9-3 and it looks like 41-0.  You’re just SURE they won’t take advantage of any opportunity.  And they don’t.

I don’t like to see a guy get cheered for getting hurt- OK, yes I was one of those people screaming for Pastorini’s head back in the day- but everybody already knew Plunkett was hot, as he’d been phenomenal in the preseason.  Brady Quinn is not the answer, folks.  Well, yes he is- for a chance to win the Moldy Carpet- but he’s got some big shoes to fill in KC.

Chiefs 1-4 and sinking fast in the AFC West.  Next up, Doormat challenges Tampa Bay and the Raydurz.   By the way, Pastorini took the Oilers to the 1979 AFC Championship game, once had Farah Fawcett call HIM up and ask him out, and he took up drag racing after exiting football.  Also on his resume is a long, protracted legal battle with ex-Raiders owner Al Davis- which makes him a true Raider. 

UPSET OF THE WEEK

COLTS 30,  MEATPACKERS 27

I called this one, and I wasn’t even thinking about fallen coach Chuck Pagano, sick in the hospital with leukemia.   The Colts have one of the most competitive guys in the world, Andrew Luck, and an accurate arm to go with it, and the Packers have a lousy defense.

A really spirited game from a team that won the Moldy Carpet last year, and we love to celebrate when one of our doormats rise up and clock the big guys.  Spike that spheroid, Andrew!!

 The Colts may still have a circus in the defensive backfield, but it was no match for the Packer’s.  Colts pull to 2-2 and are out on the patio here in the Basement, saying goodbye, making room for the green and yellow dudes getting off the bus.  Let’s see if they actually leave.   

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

BEARS 41 JAGUARS 3

Yep, the Jags just keep on losing.  They aren’t getting the headlines, even after getting blown out at home, but they are on the job.  Forcing just one punt, the Jags have trouble finding the field and another day of professional losing is in the books.  Bears get 501 yards, Jags 189.  One more game before coaches start getting fired around the league.   However, Mike Mularkey is in his first season with the Gaguars, so, the drive to the Moldy Carpet will continue all year long.   The Jags lead the Doormat with 3 sacks, and they have a good reason for not blitzing- they get burned every time.   Yesterday the only time Jay Cutler gained more than 10 yards on a pass was when the Gags blitzed, and twice he racked up TD passes. 

The Gags have had their miracle win this year (the Colts game).   We have to put up with them on the barcalounger during the bye-week, but then the Raiders will be putting out the red carpet for them in Week 7, so the Gags will have their mettle tested if they want the Moldy Carpet to come home to Jacksonville.

SEAHAWKS 16, PANTHERS 12

Cam Newton dispenses with excitement and racks up 108 yards of passing.

The entire NFC West has a winning record.  Good grief.

DOLPHINS 17, BENGALS 13

Miami offensive line keeps the Bungles off QB Ryan Tannehill’s back, and he responds with zero interceptions and the win in Cincinnati.  Is that Bunglonian Fog I see?

VIKINGS 30,  TITANS 7

The Titanics do it all, bone-head penalties, turnovers, anemic running game, and an antique at QB.  Done and Done.  1-4 in the Doormat and a solid challenger.

AINTS 31,  CHARGERS 24

Yours truly called this one, too- the Saints finally put one in the win column, with Philip Rivers gift-wrapping two turnovers in the 4^th quarter to nail down the loss.

GIANTS 41, BROWNS 27

Our AFC leader, the Brownies (0-5) come out of the gate looking like a real NFL team, and then get all tired and stuff and the Giants whirl past them in a blaze of points.  Brownies: 3 turnovers, 10 penalties, 3-10 on 3^rd down, and QB Brandon Weeden in 1^st place tie with 9 interceptions.

WEEK 5 WORST NFL STATS!

There’s one more game to play tonight, and the Jets just about swept the stats last week, so these are temporary:

POINTS:  3            Cardinals,  Bills

Yards allowed:  621   Bills

Off. Yards: 189    Jaguars

Passing:  108          Panthers

Rushing: 53           Saints

Turnovers:  4         Chiefs

Fumbles lost:  3     Broncos

INT:  2                  Chiefs, Bengals, Browns, Vikings, Jags, Seahawks,

Sacked:   9-52        Cardinals

Punts:  7                 Cards, Rams, Packers, Panthers

3^rd down conv. :  1-9   Redskins

Penalties:  10-99            Saints  (Steelers, 9-106)

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION: THE WORST OF THE NFL WEEK 3

RAGNAROK IN MINNEAPOLIS!!!!!

VIKINGS 24,  49ers  13

Ragnar was shaking the hands of the vanquished yesterday, and the gloating was never better.   Crowned the best team in the NFL by just about everybody last week, the 49ers waltz into MALL of AMERICA Field and get MAULED by supposedly the worst team in the NFC Central, the Minnesota Yikings.  

The Niners turn it over 3 times, the replacement officials make the Doormat proud as usual, and the Yikes do the smart thing early- rush Alex Smith right up the middle.   The Yikes make no turnovers, and the game was over as soon as the 49ers started believing the hype, which was probably last Tuesday.  Christian Ponder looked very sharp.

The Vikings always play the 49ers tough, and this was no exception.  The Vikes just barely lost their first two games, and now it looks like Detroit has to worry about staying out of the basement.  Let’s see what happens when divisional play starts up.

Hats off and a can of stale PBR raised sorta high to the Minnesota Vikings for pulling off the Upset of the Week!!   Enjoy it, Minnesota, who knows when you will win again?

GAME OF THE WEEK

JAGUARS 22,  COLTS 17

 OK, that’s enough of that winning stuff.   Yesterday’s tilt in Indy was the marquee Doormat game.  It didn’t disappoint. Let’s cut to the second half, where the wheels came off, with the Dolts leading 14-3.

 The Gaguars tried valiantly to keep the scoring to field goals only, but the Dolts secondary counters with a total lack of communication, busting Maurice Jones-Drew free for a 59-yard jaunt in the third quarter.  TD!  The Dolts respond with an interception from Andrew Luck- he’s starting to get the hang of those- and the Jags mortar-fire in a 47 yard prayer of a FG to make it 14-13, still managing to keep the Dolts in the lead.  

Undaunted, the Dolts punt immediately.  As the 3^rd quarter wanes, the Gags start a ‘drive’ on their own 15, and the Dolts pull a 3-penalty defense, hauling the Gags butts over the 50-yard line and deep into Dolts territory.  The Gags counter with their own penalty, but it was no match for the Dolts strategy.   The Gags finally dig in their heels and stop the drive at the Indy 8.   They have no choice but to kick the field goal and TAKE THE LEAD,  16-14.   

The Gags then counter with some porous defense, and a perfectly timed Unnecessary Roughness yellow hanky, landing the Dolts way down at the Gags 22.   3 inept plays later, the Dolts line up for a field goal, but it’s dangerously close, so they take the Delay of Game penalty, and Vinatieri has enough room to shank the damn thing into the locker room tunnel.    Whew!  Gags still up 16-14.

Then, 3 hard fought punts later, the Gags open up a lane for Luck and D. Brown scampers down to the Jacksonville 28.  Only 1:33 left.   The Gags use up every single timeout, trying to look earnest, and guide the Dolts down to the 19, and no delay of game shenanigans this time from Indy (you can’t do that twice it’s too obvious), and Vinatieri trys to shank it, but connects and the ball just scrapes past the left upright. 

Dolts 17- Gags 16.  

Fifty-six seconds left and no timeouts.  Game over right?  Not even close.   The Dolts have the secret weapon- their circus of a defensive secondary.  Only these guys can ‘lose track’ of a short crossing route and turn it into the longest play of the game.  Blaine Gabbert dumps a shorty over the middle to Cecil Shorts III, and Shorts has no place to go but ALL THE WAY.    Gags blow the 2-point conversion, dangling the tantalizing chance of still losing right there for everyone to gawk at.  Gags 22- Dolts 17

45 ticks left.   The Gags show what their made of on the kick-off, getting the Dolts out to the Indy 38.  Luck then makes a desperate heave that connects all the way down to the Gags 26.   Just think, if Vinatieri had made that earlier field goal, all they gotta do is try another.  What planning.  Instead, Luck gets to try his first consecutive NFL Hail-Marys, all for nought, and the Dolts nail down the loss.

WHAT A GAME!!

TOTAL STINKER

CHARGERS 3,  FALCONS 27

 The Chargers check in with the #1 Doormat performance of the week, even if they are 2-1.  Hey, it’s early yet.  Give them time.   4 turnovers (2 and 2) and that just killed any sort of momentum at all.  Why punt when you can just give it back!  When did Philip Rivers start randomly yelling at people, do you suppose?  Imagine him tailgating you on the freeway.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

CHIEFS 27, SAINTS 24  (OT)

 New Orleans turns in the best Come From Ahead Loss we've seen in ages.  Leading 24-6 late in the 3rd quarter, the Aints start the comeback by getting Jamaal Charles (288 yards rushing) to streak down the field on a 91-yard romp.  Then the Cheaps do it the cheapest way possible, by adding on 3 field goals and a SAFETY.  Good Grief!!  The Aints (0-3!!!!) get only 14 first downs,  punt 6 times (ok it’s not Brownie numbers, but still),  amass a meager 288 yards, and show some serious hospitality to the Cheaps, giving them 510 yards of rug.  In OT, the Aints score a touchdown on a fumble return, but the call gets reversed and KC kicks a field goal and the AINTS are the only winless team in the NFC.   Next loss:  at Green Bay.  Desperation time.   

BEARS 23,  RAMS 6

 Lambs QB Sam Bradford throws 35 times, gets intercepted twice (one for a TD),  sacked six, and piles up an impressive 101 yards.  Chicago counters with 1 offensive touchdown and a pile of field goals.  They are no match for the Lambs losing machine.  Lambs clean UP in the statistical categories this week (see below.)

CARDINALS 27,  EAGLES 6

 The Crudinals, picked by many to be the class of the Doormat NFC teams, are 3-0 and in first in the NFC West.  The Feebles, on the other hand, are 2-1 but I dunno, man.   Michael Vick can really do the killer fumble, and he’s on pace to set a record if he keeps this up.   He loses two more yesterday, and, once again, the Eagles don’t play up to their expected potential.  Maybe they need to dial it down a little.  

The last time the Crudinals were 3-0, Jim Hart was QB, Terry Metcalf was at RB and Mel Gray was going long. 

 TITANS 44,  LIONS 41  (OT)

These teams combined for 46 points in the 4^th quarter yesterday.  That’s insane.  This morning, they are both 1-2 and looking like candidates to get blown out by the good teams.   The Lions are finding creative ways to lose.  They have a porous defense.  They dig holes and have to climb out of them.   The Kittens pile up 583 yards of offense, and lose.   Tennessee punted ONCE.

BILLS 24,  BROWNS  14

 The Brownies were in this game.  But they weren’t going to let the Nils break the streak.   Rookie Brandon Weeden checks in with 2 more INTs, bringing him to 6 for the season against 3 TDs.   That’s Doormat all-star numbers.  Eight punts for the Brownies.  Ball goes up….ball goes down…ball goes up…   Next loss:  Thursday in Baltimore.

RAIDERS 34,   STEELERS 31

 Raydurzz get up off the mat, and with the Black Hole screaming like crazy, and the game inexplicably on TV locally, the Silver and Black avert going down the Black Hole for the rest of the season.  Stay tuned.

COWBOYS 16, BUCANNEERS 10

 The Bootineers might have the worst offense in the league.  12 first downs,  166 total yards.  Get out the orange unis!!  December 23^rd-  Lambs vs. Boots.  Could decide the whole Moldy Carpet for the NFC. 

JETS 23,  DOLPHINS  (OT)

 Was every game in overtime yesterday?   The Floppers were up against it yesterday, as the Jets-Bills-Flops battle in the east is going to make it tough to lose a ton.  But they still got it done.  Now they have to worry about New England, who pulled out another loss yesterday.

BENGALS 38, REDSKINS 31        

 The last time the Deadskins were 1-2 this early in the season was…2010.  Even with RGB III in there, the Deadskins are showing consistency.   Bungles 2-1.  They went 9-7 last year.  They haven’t had two straight winning seasons since 1980-81.  I kid you not.  They have a LONG way to go.

THE WORST STATS NFL WEEK 3 2012

Points:                        3                        Chargers

First downs:            12                        Rams,  Bucs

Total yards:            160                        Rams

Rush:                        33                        Brownies

Pass:                        91                        Bucs

Turnovers:            4                        Chargers

Sacked:            6                        Rams, Reddskins

Punts:                        8                        Browns, Bucs, Redskins

Penalties:            14                        Ravens (and they WON)

Time of poss:            23:45                        Raiders (edging the Chargers by 1 second).

aaAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!           

The Doormat Division: The Final Countdown Week 17

The Final Countdown

It’s here. The last weekend of the regular season in the Doormat Division. One last weekend of expert bumbling, fumbling and grumbling and then you can take off that clown suit, put on a disguise, and hope nobody recognizes you on your way to the airport.

THE MOLDY CARPET hangs in the balance on Sunday, and may the loser take all.

San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams

My local paper’s headline today: “Lowly Rams Have Nothing to Lose.”

People, PEOPLE! They have everything to lose. They have EVERY REASON to lose. They have the best reason to lose, and to lose super duper ooper big. It’s for the MOLDY CARPET trophy and the first pick in the draft. And, unless I read these people wrong, they won’t draft an offensive lineman or somebody, ANYBODY, for defense, they’ll take Andrew Luck and really screw up Sam Bradford’s head. Why stop now? Down to their 14^th string QB, the Lambs will be pulling out all the stops, pulling up their pantyhose and putting a cherry on the top of the kind of season other Doormat teams only can dream about. And if they can finish this season with one more big fat ‘L’, and a Dolts victory, they will have nailed down a season that was put together way back in truncated training camp in Earth City, MO. Earth City. The name just says DIRT.

Though the Lambs and Niners can play some dreadful games (see the last 5 years), the Lambs warmed up last week by not scoring a point, and will be shooting for a repeat goose egg. They didn’t score the last time these two met, so I don’t see why not. If they ‘zero-out,’ they will finish the season with 166 points, a sparkling 10.3 average that puts them in some very elite company. They can’t get under the truly rarified air of under 10, inhabited by no one since the Seahags of ’92 (8.75), the orange pants of Tampa in ’77 (7.3) and the Falcons of ‘74 (7.9). No, ’77 wasn’t the year the Bucs lost them all. That was ’76. Great times in Tampa back then.

In addition to maybe winning the whole Losing Season, the Lambs are a lock to take Worst Offense, Fewest Points and Fewest TDs, are tied for Most Sacks (52 with Cardinals), in the lead for Most Punts (100 to the Jaguars 97), have the lead for Worst Kicker (73% on FGs), and are a lock for Worst Run Defense. The Lambs also give up more big gainers that just put the ice pick into the heart of hope than any other team in the league.

Their only ace in the hole for Sunday is if the 49ers punter, Andy Lee, is obsessed with beating out Shane Lechler of Oakland for Biggest Foot, and starts kicking every punt into the end zone and gives the Lambs some breathing room to actually move the ball. The Punt Derby is intense! Lechler has a 50.7 average and Lee is at 49.8. Reaching 50 yards per punt usually takes being on a team that can’t get past their own 35 yard line on at least 8 possessions a game. Which explains how Donnie Jones of the Lambs did it in 2008! Lechler also cleared the bar in 2009 (JaMarcus “Purple Drank” Russell at the helm for the Rayduuuuurrrrz). Before that? You have to go all the way back to Slingin’ Sammy Baugh in 1940, checking in with the NFL all-time best 51.7. And the ball was fatter. Sammy sure wasn’t, that’s for damn sure.

EDGE: LAMBS

BUT NOT SO FAST!

Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars

The Dolts are dangerous now. They’ve won two in a row, and now here come the Gaguars, who have already shed their coach, won the requisite ‘new coach’ game since then, and really have to get going, as those tee times at the golf courses of Florida don’t just sit around waiting for you. The Gags can’t even win the Florida Bowl, as Tampa has come out of nowhere and just clocked the Gags and the Dolphins (capping that with a titanic 41-14 loss to Jacksonville in week 14). Only thing left is can QB Blaine Gabbert finish under 50% on competions (50.1% right now!) and take the Worst QB Title. The Dolts? This team needs the #1 draft pick and Andrew Luck more than just about anybody. Peyton Manning is now a coach, basically. He needs somebody to coach. But if the Dolts don’t bench Dan Orlovsky, it’s going to be hard to lose this one. I’m going out on a big limb, like a three toed sloth- the Dolts can’t win 3 in a row. It’d be like the Rings of Saturn turning into Skittles.* The Gaguars, somehow, God I don’t know how, will win this game. It will be the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen. The Dolts will take the Moldy Carpet and still get Lucky.

EDGE: DOLTS

*this is assuming the Rings of Saturn are, in fact, not Skittles presently.

The REST OF THE GODS OF GAWDAWFUL!

Buffalo Bills at New England

The Nils shoot for loss #10, completely unthinkable back in week 8. Ryan Fitzpatrick, in a 4-way dead heat for Most Interceptions (19), will be going all out against the Pats, who have, what a coincidence, 19 INTs on the season. You gotta believe,

EDGE: NILS

Chicago Un-Bears at Minnesota Yikings

This should be a whopper of a flopper. Yikings won last week, and now get to play inside, away from that bothersome outdoor world and everything. Eww! Gosh, I hope the field has that radiant heat thing going on, because I just hate landing on unheated Astro-turf. My Yikings are so annoying, they can’t even lose properly, they can’t win the Moldy Carpet, they can’t make the playoffs, they can’t win the Super-Bowl and they can’t even bring back the purple pants. Joe Kapp decked somebody at a dinner for old jocks last month, and that’s about the best thing I can say for the Vikings. I don’t believe these guys can win two in a row, but remember, this is my team, so my judgement is clouded over like the ice on a busy fishing day on the lake.

EDGE: Yikes

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Atlanta

Want a shock? The Bucs beat the Falcons, waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in week 3, 16-13, en route to their 3-game winning streak, which was followed by the ominous 48-3 loss to the 49ers, but then followed by their ultra shocking win against the Saints. Since then? 9 straight bomb jobs that has had jaws, and footballs, dropping all over the NFL. These guys have been hoisting the Worst Team of the Week flag repeatedly in the Doormat. Josh Freeman has come out of nowhere to tie for most INTS, and has got his team only one fumble behind for the Worst Hands Awards, at 27. Just ahead of them are the Broncos (with Fumble King Tim Tebow checking in with 11) at 28, and the Dolphins at 28. Now, you can’t win the Florida Derby and have some team in Miami put it on the carpet more than you, so look for LaGarrette Blount (5), Freeman (8), and fumble God Preston Parker (8) to really ramp it up on Sunday. Johnny Depp can’t drop the treasure any better than these Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything.

EDGE: Bucs

Seattle Seahawks at University of Phoenix Cardinals

Last year, this would have decided who won the NFC Worst. But now the 49ers have screwed that up, and these teams are mired in either going 8-8 or 7-9, which are neither winning seasons nor a place inside the Basement. Go 7-9 and we’ll let you hang around the BBQ all Winter on the patio, but that’s it. C’mon, be a man and lose 10. Honestly.

EDGE: I don’t care and neither should you.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns

For some reason, the good people of Cleveland are being asked to attend a football game on New Years’ day that involves the Blank Helmet Boys. How this says Happy New Year, I don’t know. The free boxes of Chomps Cereal (with special New Year’s day flavor, “Hangover”) at the gate aren’t really going to help. Just another Brownie Bake Sale by the Lake. When will it all end? Oh, yeah, around 4:30 Sunday. Get your orange OFF.

Washington Redskins at Philadephia Eagles

The Deadskins made the 10 club last week, showing their mettle in a hard fought loss agains the Vikings that cemented their membership in the Doormat. The Eagles, on the other hand, have won 3 in a row, can make it to 8-8, and you aren’t a doormat if you do that, no matter how imploded you once were this season. It’s been fun to watch these guys create some of the most creative losses of the season, and on prime-time, too, but they can’t blow the last game…can they?

EDGE: Deadskins

Enjoy this last gasp of flailing!

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!!

The Doormat Division NFL Week 16 Wrap-Up and Disposal!

It's Xmas morning, so I gotta start grilling some coffee for 27 people in a minute:

The MOLDY CARPET runs thru Jacksonville, just like we predicted about 8 weeks ago. The Indianpolis Dolts, insane winners of two in a row (this just isn't done in the Doormat), and the St. Louis Lambs are neck and neck as we near the finish line. The Dolts have to blow it in Gaguar land, and the Lambs just have to lie down peacfully in San Francisco, like the goose egg they put up yesterday in Pittsburgh, and the Trophy goes back to St. Louis. I really can't believe the Dolts can win 3 in a row....but I didn't think they would win 2, so let's just see if the Gags go on vacation early. It's going down to the WIRE. Important timing- the Dolts-Gags game will be over before the the Lambs-Niners game starts, so the Lambs will know if they still have a chance right before kick-off. The Moldy Carpet is ready!

PLAYOFF BOUND!

Perennial losers the Detroit Lions have made the playoffs for the first time since 1492 (1999), and are looking like just maybe they could even win a game, especially if the 49ers get a first round bye. Niner-Lions rematch would be really juicy, however. Lions leave the ranks of the hopeless, leaving behind the Oakland Raiders as Doormat Kings (yes that's right, they really are worse, over a longer period of time, than anybody else). The Raiders, amazingly, can make the playoffs next week, even with Bunglonian Fogman Carson Palmer at the controls. If Tim Tebow can continue to make a nose dive, the Raiders will also climb out of the muck. They are, at least, guaranteed a .500 record, which does keep them off the patio in the Basement (you must lose at least 10 games to be allowed inside). It's such a shame the last game isn't the Raiders and the Buncos in Oakland. But, at least, it will keep down the homicide rate in Oakland for a day.


The 10 Club:

Already in: Tampa Bay Bootineers, St. Louis Lambs, Indianapolis Dolts, Minnesota Yikings, Jacksonville Gaguars.

Just in: Miami Floppers make the 10 club, and look to have nailed down "Best 10 Loss Team in the NFL." How many games can you lose by 7 points or less? Good grief. The Washington Deadskins make the 10 club, amazingly getting farther under the bar than the Minnesota Yikings. If you can lose to the Yikings, you can lose to anybody.

Still hopeful: 2 of the better tank jobs in the league this year- the Kansas City Cheaps and the Buffalo Nils. The Carolina Pansies can also make it, despite Cam Newton's arrival as the best offensive player in the NFL (holy moley look out). And their chances are good- they have to play the Saints and the Saints will still be fighting for a chance to be #2 seed in the NFC, as the 49ers play the late game. This game will be WILD. Tune in if you can.

Special week 16 mentions:

The Tampa Bay Bootineers lose three more fumbles and toss in an interception to nail down Worst Team of the Week for about the 8th week in a row, getting pasted by Carolina 48-16.

Early Doucet of the Arizona Crudinals will never backpedal while wide freaking open with a chance to tie or win the flipping game. Bonehead Forest play of the day.

NFC STANDINGS

St.Louis Lambs 2-13
Minnesota Yikings 3-12
Tampa Bay Bootineers 4-11
Washington Deadskins 5-10
Carolina Pansies 6-9

AFC STANDINGS

Indianapolis Dolts 2-13
Jacksonville Gaguars 4-11
Cleveland Brownies 4-11
Miami Floppers 5-10
Kansas City Cheaps 6-9

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd that's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!

Moldy Carpet Clouded in Beer Soaked Fog!!

Indianapolis Colts 19, Houston Texans 16

Never in the NFL, ever, has a team with 1 win beaten a team with 10 or more wins. Until last night! The Dolts, reeling from their first win of the year, can't recover and win another before they know what's happening. Down 16-12 with 2 minutes to go, Dan Orlovsky completes at 40 yard rocket to Reggie Wayne, placing the Dolts deep in Texan territory with a shot to win the game. WTF?? Indy is not used to this. But never fear, as the Texans, who are not interested in the Dolts winning the Andrew Luck Moldy Carpet Sweepstakes, commit 3 penalties, one of which was just about the lamest call I've ever seen, so the refs were in on it, too. After all the yellow flags were retrieved, and the artificial turf settled, the Dolts were at the 1 yard line with 19 seconds to go.
Orlovsky then ended the whole thing with a pass to Reggie Wayne in the end zone. The only thing left to do was to fight over who got the game ball. Wayne and Orlovsky played hot potato for a couple minutes, but Orlovsky took it home.

Dolts rack up an astronomical 320 yards of offense and win their second in a row, which just about no other Doormat has done all year. Their street cred is suddenly shaky. AND MORE IMPORTANT, it's a TIE for first in the Doormat Division!!

Dolts 2-13
Lambs 2-12
Yikings 2-12

Tomorrow is HUGE. the Lambs are at Pittsburgh, with Big Ben most likely sitting this one out and Charlie Batch fumbling around at QB for the Steelers. This gives the Lambs a ghost of a chance. Better start rattling them chains, guys. It's still a tall order. Kellen Clemens gets the call at QB for the Lambs. Lambs still lead the league in giving up long gainers, so just spin a bottle on your Steelers roster, there, and pick somebody to go long.

The Yikings have the Deadskins, and they could actually win that game. It's a toss-up. With the Dolts facing the Gaguars in their final tilt, they could 'win out' the season (try not to laugh, ok?) and finish out of the Moldy Carpet and no Andrew Luck. And no Matt Barkley, because he's staying at USC.

Looks like the Lambs could be ruining Luck's life next season, with Josh McDaniels, the evil mastermind of poorly developed quarterbacks, taking on the mentoring duties. Actually, I doubt the Lambs draft Luck. But, improbably, the Lambs now have the inside track to the Moldy Carpet.

AMAZING!!

The Doomat Division: UPSET WEEKEND!! NFL WEEK 15 Wrap-Up

Just before kickoff Sunday morning I had a revelation. Almost all the games on Sunday were between teams with a winning record and a losing record. There were only 2 doormat games on the schedule. It’s late in the season, teams are desperate in multiple categories. Perfect for upset weekend. But, it was too late to change my predictions, so I had to just sit back and wait for the scores to come in.

WOW. We have a lot of fun with our crummy teams here in the Doormat, but now’s our chance to say man do we love it when we kick some ass. Hats off and a celebratory bonfire of pizza boxes in the Weber this morning on the Basement Patio to our long-suffering, down-trodden, bastions of bumble-tude, the Doormat Division. Forever may they wave the white flag.

Look at all them all:

Chargers 34, Ravens 14

Pheebles 45, Jets 19

Pansies 28, Texans 13

Seahags 38, Bears 14

Deadskins 23, Giants 10

Cheaps 19, Packers 14 !!!!

Indianapolis Colts 27, Tennessee Titans 13 !!!!!!!!!

A-maz-ingly, the Chargers, Cheaps and Pheebles, after all their implosion, can still win their divisions and make the playoffs. The Cards and the Seahags can still make the playoffs. It will take a minor miracle, but I’m not ruling out anything in this wild finish coming up for the next two weeks. I mean, just look at the flop job the Raiders have pulled in the last 3 weeks. Oh, I’m getting dizzy looking up at the top of the standings.

OK, that’s enough of that. This is the land of the Moldy Carpet Trophy, and the whole things is officially up for grabs as of today. Here’s what the PROS did over the weekend:

Indianapolis Colts 27, Tennessee Titans 13

There are no perfect teams left in the NFL today, as the Indianapolis Colts, led by Mr. 0-16, Dan Orlovsky, pull a fast one of the Tennessee Titans. The last time the Colts won a game was 50 weeks ago, and their opponent was…the Titans. They need to work these guys onto the schedule a little more often. The Dolts still only got 10 first downs (not the WORST team this weekend), but capitalized on Titans turnovers, and finally, FINALLY, won a game. I knew Orlovsky was just NOT going to be a 2-Time 0-16 loser. He was their ace in the hole. Shoulda played him sooner.

HOWEVER, the Moldy Carpet is no done deal now, people!!! The Lambs AND the Yikings, who took it to the house on Sunday, are right there at 2-12, and the difference in points, our tiebreaker, is

Dolts -184 , Lambs -180, and the Yikings -112. It’s no lock- Andrew Luck Lock yet.

Final Games:

Lambs: Pittsburgh, San Francisco

Dolts: Houston, Jacksonville

Yikings: Washington, Chicago

Lambs have almost no chance of winning either of those games. Steelers will be seriously pissed off, after last night’s pummeling, but Rothlisberger will take the game off almost for sure. Lambs won’t win. They will, in fact, be lucky to score a touchdown for the rest of the season (God I hate those late garbage time TDs). But they need to lose by wide margins to insure the Dolts don’t pad their points lead. The Dolts could win both their final games, with the Jacksonville game a very real possibility, as those guys may just really tank it for week 17, since they won’t have to worry about being the only team that DIDN’T beat the Dolts. I mean, where’s the motivation now, coach? The Yikings have the toughest schedule, two teams that can lose on any given Sunday, and do it with style. The Deadskins won big yesterday, but so what? The Bears are just a shell of their former selves, with injuries and drug busts hounding them into the woods where they just might hibernate until next May. Yikings have to lose BIG in both games.

It’s going down to the last weekend in Jacksonville.

St. Louis Rams 13, Cincinnati Bengals 20

Underdog Weekend was so complete, this was on TV for the morning game in the Basement. It’s extremely low-tech down here. SACKS: Injured Lambs QB Sam Bradford (36) has lost the sack lead to Alex Smith (39 and 18 in three weeks!) by parking on the bench. However, if you go by teams, the Lambs have 49 total, which leads the league. So it doesn’t matter who’s in there. Nobody’s open and there is no protection. If the Cardinals Kevin Kolb could just keep his butt in a game, he’d run away with the Sack Crown, checking in with 30 in just 9 games- !!!!! The Lambs, once again, did nothing all game, move the ball a bit between their 20 and the 50, and score a meaningless touchdown with a minute to go in the game. Lambs give A.J. Green a big play, Lambs special teams give up 2 big runbacks, and the whole thing is the usual workman-like L that we’ve come to expect from these Doormat Kings. Never ever count this team out of the run to the Moldy Carpet Trophy. They just may nab it.

Minnesota Vikings 20, New Orleans Saints 42

As usual, the Yikings look pretty good in the first half, and then implode in the second half. Somebody fire the conditioning coach. Somebody fire somebody. Bring back the purple pants, at least. What do they DO in there at halftime? Have an Andrew Luck séance? Ever listen to Tom Wait’s “What’s He Doing in There?” It’s like that. The Saints rack up 573 yards of offense. 573. That’s how far my Lincoln gets on a tank of gas. The great thing about the Yikes is, you can turn the ball over just as many times as you like, and they aren’t going to trouble you with it. They just politely punt it back in a few plays. Plus, they’ll give you at least 4 free first downs with a variety of well-timed penalties. These guys need to stop playing indoors. It isn’t working.

Cleveland Browns 17, Arizona Cardinals 20 (OT)

The Brownies hit the 10 Club in style, blowing the lead in the 4^th quarter, and then capitulating in OT just as quickly as possible. The Crudinals have improbably vaulted to an improbable 7-7, and have the most improbobabble outside shot to make the playoffs, besides the 14 other teams with the same odds. It is amazing to me the Brownies can’t even get into field goal range for one of the best kickers in the league, Phil Dawson. He got one shot, and made it. Blank Helmet Football now and forever.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 15, Dallas 31

Make no mistake about it, folks, the Tampa Bay Bootineers are the worst team in football right now. This team is completely off the hook. They are doing it from every angle. An off-the-rails train that is NOT slowing down. What does it say about your team that your longest gainer of the game, and first first down, ends in a fumble? Josh Freeman, Doormat All-Star. The only reason WR Preston Parker didn’t get a fumble is he never caught a pass all game. Dallas needs to bone up on their preparation, and let him catch one. If Freeman and Parker are still on this team next year, we’ll know that the Boots are serious about winning the Moldy Carpet in 2012. These guys are money. Seven first downs, only 43 total plays, and only 8 possesions (I don’t count one play before half-time). Clearly the game plan was to minimize offense and keep their defense on the field for as long as possible, to cut down on turnovers. And it worked! Only one- but it was a signature moment.

Miami Dolphins 30, Buffalo Bills 23

They Did It. With two games to go, the Buffalo Nils get loss number 9. I think they are going to make it- incredible. The 10 Club and keeping their banner on the Doormat Division Masthead. Once 5-2, the Nils have lost 7 straight, have lost linemen, running backs, and just about every conceivable important position player. Ryan Fitzpatrick vaults into the INT lead with 3 more interceptions, and the Nils pull out the orange cone defense that was so popular in the early part of this season. It’s a lot colder in Buffalo this winter than usual.

Special Mention: Raiders 27, Lions 28

Raiders are losing in every way possible. Gonna finish 7-9. It’s real dark in the Black Hole.

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWEST NFL WEEK 15 STATS

Points: 10 Giants

First downs 7 Buccaneers

Yards: 190 Buccaneers

Pass: 82 Colts (and they WON)

Run: 58 Buccaneers

Turnovers 4 Steelers, Eagles, Jets (Jets-Eagles game a real doozy)

Sacked: 7 Ravens

Penalties 11-93 Jets (man that Eagles-Jets game a real slop-fest)

aaAAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!

DOORMAT ALERT! Repeat 0-16 in sights for QB!!

Guess what Doormat followers? We have history in the making. Indianapolis Colt's backup backup QB Dan Orlovsky may just start getting under center this Sunday as Curtis Painter gets one last chance to attempt to actually win a game for the Dolts. He has absolutely no chance as the Carolina Pansies will just kill them in 4 quarters of the Cam Newton show.

So what, you say, about Orlovsky? People! Orlovsky was the backup backup in Detroit in 2008 when the Lions went 0-16, becoming the first team EVER to lose 16 games in a season. And now, here in 2011 Mr. Orlovsky has the very very good chance to help direct another team to an 0-16 season. He may get to work this Sunday. Of course, what we all know is changing quarterbacks on a team headed for history can derail things terribly and it could result in a victory, especially when the Gaguars show up for the season finale, after everybody on that team has completely thrown in the towel and had a couple beers before the game.

So, okay? Keep your steely-eyed Doormat specs on the Dolts now, as the stretch run begins this Sunday.

THE DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 10 WRAP-UP and Dinner Cereal

PERFECTION!

Jaguars 17, Colts 3

The Dolts and the Gaguars started this game with a bang yesterday- dueling interceptions. The Dolt’s Chris Painter hurls an interception on the third play of the game, setting up the Gaguars at the Indy 18 yard line. No problem- the Gaguars retaliated immediately, with QB Blaine Gabbert gift wrapping an INT on the very next play. The crowd settled in..slumped might be the word. This week, though, the Dolts were only able to string together 4 punts in a row (still a league leading 60), which is pretty average, though they were able to toss in a punt reception interference call to set up the Gags in excellent field position for their first field goal. Dolts avoid scoring a touchdown.

The Gaguars, even with the bye week to get themselves unprepared, could not match the Dolts in this huge AFC South face-off. Putting together a long 16-play 86 yard drive in the 3^rd quarter (gold star to Dolts for for illegal use of hands penalty on 3^rd and 11 sack of Gabbert, keeping drive alive), was really out of character. In a game like this, holding the ball for more 5-6 plays is really kind of gauche. The Dolts only got the ball 4 times in the entire second half, but made hay with those, with the gold medal going to the fumble at their 8-yard line with 4:48 left in the 4^th. The Gags fell into the endzone, and the Dolts get past the only real threat to their quest for the perfect season and the Moldy Carpet trophy (which is curing now in the store room here in the basement- don’t go in there). 0-10 and looking unbeatable..unwinnable..un…the Dolts now have a 2 ½ game lead on Miami, who are clearly losing their way, winning two weeks in a row.

The Bonehead Forest!

Rams 13, Browns 12

It was an exciting morning at the Brownie Bake-Sale, what with the new line of Chomps Dinner Cereal laid out, smorgasborg-style, on the Basement bar. I tried them all, but I think my favorite was ‘leftovers.’ Tasted very realistic. Also good was ‘regular,’ which, I’m pretty sure, is ‘dog food.’ Ever see that Jane Fonda movie where she feeds her cat, and then licks the spoon? Oscar performance moment.

And speaking of dog food, the Brownies utilize their kicking game again to go for the loss, and THIS TIME it worked, shanking a field goal from point blank range with 2 minutes to go to pull out the loss against one of the most formidable opponents in the Doormat. The Brownies are like beginning piano students- they can’t repeat something simple more than 4 times without screwing up. Here’s their drives for the game:

punt, FG, punt, FG, punt, FG, punt, FG, punt……MISSED FIELD GOAL!! Wait, let me try that again!

This was a one-touchdown kind of game, and the Lambs got it early, at the top of the second quarter. Both teams did as little as possible in the 2^nd half. Lambs have now won 2 games, and fall into a tie with the Carolina Pansies (and most likely the Yikings after tonight) for first place in the NFC doormat.

THE REST OF THE GAWDS OF GAWDAWFUL

Broncos 17, Chiefs 10

Tim Tebow throws 8 passes, completes 2 (one for a touchdown), the Buncos run the ball 237 times and the Cheaps have no answer for mediocrity. Except terrible coaching. That’s their answer for everything. The Cheaps descend to 4-5, and are exhausted from all that winning they had earlier this year. It’s going to be hard for either of these teams to really go on a losing tear, because the AFC West is all about sharing.

Cardinals 21, Eagles 17

I’m really not sure why we still keep picking the Pheebles to blow out bad teams. They ARE a bad team. And, let’s admit it, this is the most fun bad team to watch this year, because they went out and bought a bunch of pro-bowl free agents, had no training camp, and it’s 53 guys all on their own page of inflated over-confidence. It’s like the Miami Heat, except they’re really stinking up the joint. In Philly. Boo!!!

It takes some real planning to make the Crudinals look good, but 123 yards passing, a Sack-&-Fumble coupled with an INT on the next possession, a tidal wave of penalties (11), and a defense more porous than a baseball coach’s sunburned shnozz, the Pheebles had it all worked out. Pheebles whip off 8 punts, which ties them with Carolina (excellent company) for punting honors in Week 10. Pheebles have now blown 5 fourth quarter leads, which really puts them ahead of the Yikings for most stirring Come From Ahead losses.

They’ve got a spot right next to the Deadskin at the Bar now in the basement, and we really wish they were playing each other next week, just to settle who gets which stool, but we have to wait until Jan. 1^st to see who scrapes the bottom of the NFC East. Crudinals now 3-6 but only a game off the pace for first place in the Doormat NFC.

Seahawks 22, Ravens 17

Boy, the Ravens sure can play a crummy game, huh? Clearly looking past the Hags to next week’s big one against the Bengals, the Ravens blow their chance to take over the

AFC North, and the Seahags fall into a victory that they had not prepared for.

Titanics 30, Panthers 3

The Pansies have improved- they’re just plain losing now. Forget the shanked FG at the end of regulation. Just turn in a complete stinker and be done with it. Pansies tied for first in the Doormat NFC.

Dolphins 20, Redskins 9

The Deadskins bring back Rex Grossman from the scalp pile and throw him into the ocean, where the Floppers are waiting in sack formation. Deadskin coach Mike Shanahan loses 5 straight for the first time in his career, so we all recognize his determination and grit for Doormat glory. Floppers playing good ball, Deadskins not.

FAMILIAR FACES

Special shout-outs to the Detroit Kittens, who are starting to look real familiar, and the Buffalo Nils, who are really teetering on the edge of the Basement steps. Both got blown out yesterday and looked nothing like the teams that started off the season on fire.

Kudos, also, to the Tampa Bay Bucs, who crumbled to 4-5 yesterday, and looked every bit like the worst best worst team of Week 10…if you don’t count the Dolts…or the Brownies….or..nevermind.

NFL WORST STATS FOR WEEK 10!

Points: 3 Pansies, DOLTS

First Downs 12 Buccaneers

Yards 212 Dolts

Rush 41 Saints

Pass 69 Denver (and the WON)

Turnovers 4 Buccaneers

Sacked 5 Dolts and 4 other teams

Punts 8 Pansies, Pheebles

Penalties 13-100 Seahags

avg.yard poss 17.6 Dolts

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!