The Final Countdown
It’s here. The last weekend of the regular season in the Doormat Division. One last weekend of expert bumbling, fumbling and grumbling and then you can take off that clown suit, put on a disguise, and hope nobody recognizes you on your way to the airport.
THE MOLDY CARPET hangs in the balance on Sunday, and may the loser take all.
San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams
My local paper’s headline today: “Lowly Rams Have Nothing to Lose.”
People, PEOPLE! They have everything to lose. They have EVERY REASON to lose. They have the best reason to lose, and to lose super duper ooper big. It’s for the MOLDY CARPET trophy and the first pick in the draft. And, unless I read these people wrong, they won’t draft an offensive lineman or somebody, ANYBODY, for defense, they’ll take Andrew Luck and really screw up Sam Bradford’s head. Why stop now? Down to their 14th string QB, the Lambs will be pulling out all the stops, pulling up their pantyhose and putting a cherry on the top of the kind of season other Doormat teams only can dream about. And if they can finish this season with one more big fat ‘L’, and a Dolts victory, they will have nailed down a season that was put together way back in truncated training camp in Earth City, MO. Earth City. The name just says DIRT.
Though the Lambs and Niners can play some dreadful games (see the last 5 years), the Lambs warmed up last week by not scoring a point, and will be shooting for a repeat goose egg. They didn’t score the last time these two met, so I don’t see why not. If they ‘zero-out,’ they will finish the season with 166 points, a sparkling 10.3 average that puts them in some very elite company. They can’t get under the truly rarified air of under 10, inhabited by no one since the Seahags of ’92 (8.75), the orange pants of Tampa in ’77 (7.3) and the Falcons of ‘74 (7.9). No, ’77 wasn’t the year the Bucs lost them all. That was ’76. Great times in Tampa back then.
In addition to maybe winning the whole Losing Season, the Lambs are a lock to take Worst Offense, Fewest Points and Fewest TDs, are tied for Most Sacks (52 with Cardinals), in the lead for Most Punts (100 to the Jaguars 97), have the lead for Worst Kicker (73% on FGs), and are a lock for Worst Run Defense. The Lambs also give up more big gainers that just put the ice pick into the heart of hope than any other team in the league.
Their only ace in the hole for Sunday is if the 49ers punter, Andy Lee, is obsessed with beating out Shane Lechler of Oakland for Biggest Foot, and starts kicking every punt into the end zone and gives the Lambs some breathing room to actually move the ball. The Punt Derby is intense! Lechler has a 50.7 average and Lee is at 49.8. Reaching 50 yards per punt usually takes being on a team that can’t get past their own 35 yard line on at least 8 possessions a game. Which explains how Donnie Jones of the Lambs did it in 2008! Lechler also cleared the bar in 2009 (JaMarcus “Purple Drank” Russell at the helm for the Rayduuuuurrrrz). Before that? You have to go all the way back to Slingin’ Sammy Baugh in 1940, checking in with the NFL all-time best 51.7. And the ball was fatter. Sammy sure wasn’t, that’s for damn sure.
EDGE: LAMBS
BUT NOT SO FAST!
Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars
The Dolts are dangerous now. They’ve won two in a row, and now here come the Gaguars, who have already shed their coach, won the requisite ‘new coach’ game since then, and really have to get going, as those tee times at the golf courses of Florida don’t just sit around waiting for you. The Gags can’t even win the Florida Bowl, as Tampa has come out of nowhere and just clocked the Gags and the Dolphins (capping that with a titanic 41-14 loss to Jacksonville in week 14). Only thing left is can QB Blaine Gabbert finish under 50% on competions (50.1% right now!) and take the Worst QB Title. The Dolts? This team needs the #1 draft pick and Andrew Luck more than just about anybody. Peyton Manning is now a coach, basically. He needs somebody to coach. But if the Dolts don’t bench Dan Orlovsky, it’s going to be hard to lose this one. I’m going out on a big limb, like a three toed sloth- the Dolts can’t win 3 in a row. It’d be like the Rings of Saturn turning into Skittles.* The Gaguars, somehow, God I don’t know how, will win this game. It will be the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen. The Dolts will take the Moldy Carpet and still get Lucky.
EDGE: DOLTS
*this is assuming the Rings of Saturn are, in fact, not Skittles presently.
The REST OF THE GODS OF GAWDAWFUL!
Buffalo Bills at New England
The Nils shoot for loss #10, completely unthinkable back in week 8. Ryan Fitzpatrick, in a 4-way dead heat for Most Interceptions (19), will be going all out against the Pats, who have, what a coincidence, 19 INTs on the season. You gotta believe,
EDGE: NILS
Chicago Un-Bears at Minnesota Yikings
This should be a whopper of a flopper. Yikings won last week, and now get to play inside, away from that bothersome outdoor world and everything. Eww! Gosh, I hope the field has that radiant heat thing going on, because I just hate landing on unheated Astro-turf. My Yikings are so annoying, they can’t even lose properly, they can’t win the Moldy Carpet, they can’t make the playoffs, they can’t win the Super-Bowl and they can’t even bring back the purple pants. Joe Kapp decked somebody at a dinner for old jocks last month, and that’s about the best thing I can say for the Vikings. I don’t believe these guys can win two in a row, but remember, this is my team, so my judgement is clouded over like the ice on a busy fishing day on the lake.
EDGE: Yikes
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Atlanta
Want a shock? The Bucs beat the Falcons, waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in week 3, 16-13, en route to their 3-game winning streak, which was followed by the ominous 48-3 loss to the 49ers, but then followed by their ultra shocking win against the Saints. Since then? 9 straight bomb jobs that has had jaws, and footballs, dropping all over the NFL. These guys have been hoisting the Worst Team of the Week flag repeatedly in the Doormat. Josh Freeman has come out of nowhere to tie for most INTS, and has got his team only one fumble behind for the Worst Hands Awards, at 27. Just ahead of them are the Broncos (with Fumble King Tim Tebow checking in with 11) at 28, and the Dolphins at 28. Now, you can’t win the Florida Derby and have some team in Miami put it on the carpet more than you, so look for LaGarrette Blount (5), Freeman (8), and fumble God Preston Parker (8) to really ramp it up on Sunday. Johnny Depp can’t drop the treasure any better than these Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything.
EDGE: Bucs
Seattle Seahawks at University of Phoenix Cardinals
Last year, this would have decided who won the NFC Worst. But now the 49ers have screwed that up, and these teams are mired in either going 8-8 or 7-9, which are neither winning seasons nor a place inside the Basement. Go 7-9 and we’ll let you hang around the BBQ all Winter on the patio, but that’s it. C’mon, be a man and lose 10. Honestly.
EDGE: I don’t care and neither should you.
Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns
For some reason, the good people of Cleveland are being asked to attend a football game on New Years’ day that involves the Blank Helmet Boys. How this says Happy New Year, I don’t know. The free boxes of Chomps Cereal (with special New Year’s day flavor, “Hangover”) at the gate aren’t really going to help. Just another Brownie Bake Sale by the Lake. When will it all end? Oh, yeah, around 4:30 Sunday. Get your orange OFF.
Washington Redskins at Philadephia Eagles
The Deadskins made the 10 club last week, showing their mettle in a hard fought loss agains the Vikings that cemented their membership in the Doormat. The Eagles, on the other hand, have won 3 in a row, can make it to 8-8, and you aren’t a doormat if you do that, no matter how imploded you once were this season. It’s been fun to watch these guys create some of the most creative losses of the season, and on prime-time, too, but they can’t blow the last game…can they?
EDGE: Deadskins
Enjoy this last gasp of flailing!
aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!!
Wait a minute there, Wacko, just because the Rams have the worst record, they do not win all the marbles yet. They will win the NFC, but the Dolts will take the AFC and they still have to out-bad each other in the Doormat Bowl, played one week after the Super Bowl in a yet to be determined location (preferably one where no one will notice). The results of that mythical game will be determined by a game of Strat-o-Matic conducted by the Oracle himself. This year we will have a full report on the results of that monumental ho-down of blunders called a football game between the two worst teams in the NFL.
ReplyDeleteWacko agrees to Strat-o-matic contest , though if Lambs lose and Dolts win, Lambs have the worse record.
ReplyDeleteYeah, but the Super Bowl winner doesn't always have the best season record....but one thing is for sure....Lambs are the worst team in the NFL and the Bootineers are the team that is getting worser faster than anyboder.
ReplyDeleteThe Dolts could have won more games if they had stopped trying to run the same offense as if Manning was going to return at any moment. They needed to adjust something fierce, and they didn't. Just goes to show when you hitch your wagon to one horse for so long, that you forget how to be creative when necessity calls for it. They also have a terrible defense.
ReplyDeleteBut they got one nice stadium and fans that will never leave them. It must be nice to have that warm glow going. I am sure the Raiders have no idea what that is like.
ReplyDeleteChiefs have that, too, but it doesn't help their home-field advantage whatsoever. Could it be the TEAM?
ReplyDeleteIs "Strat-o-Matic" the one where the metal field vibrates and causes the little plastic players to spin around in circles? If it is, it is the PERFECT game for the Doormat Bowl. I actually found the Hall of Fame game with the lighted opaque play reader and the spin boards, all in perfect condition, but it was not in my price range. Now, I'm bummed I didn't buy it. We had one when I was a kid, and I'm wondering if it wasn't a Christmas gift from The Walkers. Dad would never have bought such an elaborate and high end game. I think it was Karl's officially, but I played it all the time.
ReplyDeleteStrat-O-matic devolved into a card game, but we're talking the vibrating board, FOR SURE.
ReplyDelete