DOORMAT DIVISION: WEEK 15 - PIG PILE IN THE BASEMENT!

It was nerve wracking- hitting Week 15 and there were only three teams with 10 losses. Curse you, parity.  But yesterday fixed that, and the Basement is a cozy, if a little stinky, circle of teams helping themselves to the bean dip and arguing about who’s wallpaper will grace this hallowed rumpus room when all the astro-turf has settled and the Gatorade has dried. 

Welcome to the 10 Club, Cleveland (6 years in a row), Oakland (2), Tampa Bay (new member) and Jacksonville (3).  Old friends, mostly.  It’s just an embarrassment of riches.  Emphasis on embarrassment.  But that’s where we come in.  Here, your inept coaching and lackluster performances, your turnover mill and forgotten playbooks are celebrated and given a shot at History and a trophy!  Not everybody has a mission in life. Do you even have a mission statement?

THE MOLDY CARPET TROPHY!

As you can see here, it's important to  keep the 

Moldy Carpet Trophy in a safe location during the season, 

Teams in contention-   Houston (2-12). Barring a complete collapse, the Toxins should take the AFC in the Doormat.  Charging hard are the Browns (4-10) and the Raiders (4-10).  After scaring us with multiple victories,  Jacksonville (4-10) is back in the mix. 

Over in the NFC,  the Washington Redskins (3-11) moved one game ahead of Atlanta (4-10), and now own the tiebreaker.  Also returning to respectability in the Doormat is Tampa (4-10), who almost made the mistake of looking up.  The Vikings (4-9-1) could still win it all (lose it all, what do I really mean, here?), but after yesterday’s game, I don’t think their heart’s in it.

NFC BRAGGING RIGHTS

REDSKINS 27, FALCONS 28

The Battle for the Basement in the NFC did not disappoint yesterday.  I really thought the Falcons had the tools to blow this game when it counted, but the Redskins came at them with everything they had.  Redskinks skipper Mike Shanaplan’s bold move of the week, benching the beat up and demoralized RGB III and running a fresh back-up out there in Kirk Cousins, produced some great results: SEVEN turnovers- 5 lost fumbles and two interceptions which resulted in 20 Atlanta points.  Still, the whole thing almost backfired when the Stinks found themselves at the 2-yard line, going for a 2-point conversion with 18 seconds to go, with the game on the line. Fumble? Interception? The tension was so thick you coulda made an ulcer out of it.  Not to worry, Cousins put it right where a Falcon could deflect it, the game ends with a thud and the Skins skulk out of Georgia with their biggest loss of the year.  Redskins #1 in the NFC today.

BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK

RAIDERS 31,  CHIEFS 56

It’s hard to call this a blowout when the Raiders actually pulled to 34-31 in the third quarter, but 7 turnovers and a total 4^th quarter collapse resulting in the biggest point total ever given up by the Silver and Blacked Out gives it enough cred.  Interstate 880 ran right through the stadium yesterday with tire tracks right over the helmets of the entire Oakland defense…whenever they got close enough to get run over, which wasn't often.

Injury update:  Raider RB Darren McFadden will play next week.  The team did not disclose what type of new injury he is going to sustain, but coach Dennis Allen informed the media that “it should happen well before half-time.” 

GIANTS 0,  SEAHAWKS  23

In our Week 15 preview, I said the Giants were just trying to get out of the way, and boy did they do the job. Giants get second shut-out of the season, no small accomplishment.  The last time a team got shut out twice in a season?  You really think I’m looking that up?  Eli Manning goes nuts, throws 5 interceptions and takes a huge lead for the INT crown.  25 for Mr. Manning, 21 for Geno Smith (who only managed one yesterday).  At least the New York media has something to write about. 

UPSETS OF THE WEEK:

VIKINGS 48,  EAGLES 30

Just because I predicted it doesn’t mean I’m not shocked, okay?  Finally, after a lot of false starts, we have some upsets.  It’s been bleak, waiting for one of our Doormat brethren to get off the moldy carpet and clock somebody.  The Vikings, in their next-to-last last game in the Hubert H. Humprhey Metrodome, play a miracle game without any of their ‘star’ player.  Yes, that’s singular.  Next year, the Vikes will play OUTDOORS at the University of Minnesota’s field, so everybody can just be a little more miserable.  The new stadium, which features dramatic design and a ship-like soaring prow, will be ideal for football, picnics and any event that requires a soaring prow. 

RAMS 27,  SAINTS 16

Don’t tell me you saw this coming.  Nobody picked the Rams, except some lucky slobs in Vegas who can’t get all the money into their Chevy Aveo trunk this morning.  Let’s not forget, though, that the Lambs, in their fantastic 2-14 2011 season, beat these same Saints, 31-21, and it wasn’t even that close, as the Saints got all their points in garbage time.   At 6-8 the Lambs still have a shot at 10 losses (Bucs and Seahawks coming up), but I think they’ll clock the Bucs.  The Lambs have had to play 6 games against the Cards, Hawks and 49ers.  They’ve had the toughest schedule in the league.  The Saints were an easy game for them.  

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

BROWNS 31, BEARS 38

The come-from-ahead losses just keep piling up, and yesterday was the best-  21 straight 4^th quarter points for the Bears.  Flame on!  Flame out!  Blank Helmet Football marches on.

TOXINS 3,  COLTS 25

You know when you are really bad when you can’t even get top billing in the league you are winning.  Houston turns in another loss, but this time, with Wade Phillips driving, they just come out flat right away and play terrible for the whole game, and lose by more than 20 points.  Much more efficient than all those exhausting close games.

BILLS 27,  JAGS 20

The Jags, once expected to go 0-16,  out-class the Nils and get to the 10 Club before they do.  Ha!  Jags reassert their qualities before the winning gets out of hand. The Bills get Miami and then New England next, both teams scraping for playoff positions, so 10 losses will come along before it’s all done.   

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 15 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Washington          3-11        305-434

Tampa Bay           4-10        258-324

Atlanta                4-10        309-388

Minnesota            4-9-1       363-425

NY Giants             5-9         251-357

AFC                                                          .

Houston               2-12        253-375

Jacksonville         4-10        221-399

Cleveland             4-10        288-362

Raiders                 4-10        295-393

Buffalo                 5-9          300-354