WEEK SIX WRAP-UP and PARITY PARTY

PARITY IS A...SIX LETTER WORD

BROWNS AND NINERS BURN THE BACON PROPERLY,

EVERYBODY ELSE NEEDS TO DECIDE

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK SIX

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA    DIF

SANTA CLARA         0-6            113      146   -33

NY GIANTS               1-5            105     132    -27

CHICAGO                 2-4            105      148    -43

ARIZONA                  3-3            119      158   -39

DALLAS                    2-3            125     132    -7

AFC

                                  W-L         PF       PA     DIF

CLEVELAND            0-6           94       157    -63
INDIANAPOLIS         2-4          119      195   -76

OAKLAND                2-4           124     126     -2

LA CHARGERS        2-4           116     131    -15

CINCINNATI              2-3           84       83       +1

BROWNS LOOK UNSTOPPABLE

BROWNS 17, TEXANS 33

The Clowns did it all yesterday-  piles of penalties, dropped passes, 3 interceptions, flailing defense, and a sequence of possessions that goes into the Doormat Hall of Fame. 

Here's the sequence:  1st quarter-  Punt, Punt (both 3 and outs), then arduous 10 play drive that pays off with Kevin Hogan interception returned 82 yards for Texan TD.  Following up five plays later, Hogan whips another interception!  Then, Punt, Punt (both 3 and out) and then 5 play INTERCEPTION drive!  Then after the half,  PUNT (3 and out, thank you), SAFETY (variety is the spice of life),  Punt (5 plays...why?), PUNT, PUNT...and....FUTILE TOUCHDOWN with 01:49 left on the clock.  Scoring your only offensive touchdown with less than 2 minutes to go in the game is a must, if you want to compete in this league.

Wait, that's the whole game. I missed a field goal in there, somewhere.  But there are things to learn here-  Any drive going over 3 plays should then be terminated with an interception. Can you just feel the suspense for Brown fans when Blank Helmet Football creeps past the 4th play on any drive?

SO, WHAT NOW, CLEVELAND?

The Blanks have had 3 winning seasons since 1988.  Three.  Remember, they left town, and, insanely, a NEW Browns team was created, molded from the mud at the Mistake By the Lake, no doubt.  In an effort to help, the Doormat Division held an official conference yesterday with the Commissioner of our august organization conducting the proceedings.  We even kicked the 'possum out onto the patio, we were so serious.

OUR OFFICIAL RECOMMENDATION (should you want to win a game):

Fire your GM. Twice. Then fire (1-21) Hue Jackson, once he gets back from swimming in Lake Erie. Now. He doesn't even get to change out of his wet suit. Then hire someone to run a read-option offense (Chip Kelly is so available he isn't even wearing Oregon colors...whatever those might be).  Sign Colin Kaepernick, and start a fire under everybody's butts. Compared to what's going on now, these are GOOD IDEAS.  That says something, all right.

Then SELL the team to a new owner, preferably a consortium of rock stars and hip-hop artists (Duffy, Puff Daddy, Jay Z, Sammy Hagar, Alice Cooper...u-pick), partner with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, have a roster of performers for the National Anthem that just blows your mind, and change this:

The name of the team.  That's right- screw it. Can we stop kidding ourselves that there is a thing called a Brown? Go for the Rockers, put a clenched fist on the helmet...or just design the helmet to look like a rock. Please, GOD, put something on the helmet.  Commit to something.  Anything.  Paul Brown's HAT.  Cleveland Rockers.

Uniform:  minimize the orange, wear white pants, DARK DARK brown jerseys. STOP trying to lighten the brown. Whoa that light brown and bright orange is embarrassing for a Division 3 school- and at least they'd have something on their helmet.  

But, who are we to question excellence in ineptitude?  

Browns were 0-6 this time last year, and they're 0-6 now. The Pumpkin Heads have every chance at going 0-16, and all that money raised last year for the Perfect Season Parade- they should have just put it into a savings account, and waited.  

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

49ers 24, WASHINGTON 26

0-6 and leading the league in penalties and dropped passes, and second in missed tackles, the Whiners lose again by the second closest of margins, staging yet another Futile Comeback. Hands of stone, brains of oatmeal, and reaction times of a three-toed sloth, the Forty-Whiners stand atop the NFC standings, in the clear air, sailing free of the clutter of focus, discipline, and execution...though that might be a word with different meaning down south in Santa Clara this morning.  Backup rookie QB C.J. Beathard made his debut for the 49ers yesterday, and he's trouble. They may win a game with him around.  He, at least, looks like a QB from the 70's- nice 'stache.  

GIANTS 23, BRONCOS 10

Okay!  The Giants won a game! Celebrate Giants fans!  Who knows when these times will come again. Except 3 weeks from now in Santa Clara where the Whiners are gonna hand you victory #2.

JAGUARS 17, RAMS 27

We may have Bro-Cha-Cho'd the Jags, but they still can't win two in a row, so hold the confetti. The RAMS, however, are not the Lambs anymore. Just get to 8 victories, you bums, and you'll be in the promised land of Parity Parity Parity!  The thrill of being average!

CARDINALS 38, BUCS 33

Staked to a huge lead, 31-6, the Cruds pulled out all the stops and nearly lost the game, which would have been an all-time kablooey, but it was not to be. 3-3 and just mediocre.

Bucs fall to 2-3, and hey!  We know these guys!  

RAVENS 24, BEARS 27

daBares got a pick-six, and punt return for a TD, and running back Tarick Cohen threw a TD pass off a pitch-out. They need all the help they can get...and they're getting it. The Ravens just flat-out outplayed the Bears.  Ravens could lose 10.

DOLPHINS 20, FALCONS 17

Coming into this game, the Dolphins had scored 3 touchdowns. With yesterday's explosion of two TD's, this should cause complete exhaustion going into next week's gritty battle with the Jets. The Fins are averaging 12 points a game, yet have 3 wins. The Jets and Fins should be Doormats, but at 3-3 and 3-2, I shouldn't even be writing about these guys. So confusing.

RRRRAIDERS 16, CHARGERS 17

The Raydurz, oh my, are BACK.  2-4, and starting to look like one of those Jack Del Rio Jaguar teams where just about everybody knows what play they are going to call. The Chargers may lead the league in missed tackles, but the Raiders fixed that problem,by A, not blocking, and B, out-bumbling the Chagrins, and not covering running backs on pass plays. Look, you can't do everything. Pick your battles. 

Charred QB Philip Rivers avoids playing catch with the wrong team, which is easy to do against a team that does NOT have an interception yet this season, and they win their second in a row.  Sure it was the Giants and Raiders.  But if you can't to lose to these guys, you aren't winning the Moldy Carpet.  Raiders get to turn around and play the CHIEFS this Thursday night. Look Out.  2-5 looms. 

Lots of Parity Division going on, makes for an exciting schedule, and by week 8, we should have the crumble factor in full swing.

Monday Results

COLTS 22, TITANS 36

Colts build mirage lead, finally cave because they lead the league in points given up!  195 big ones, baby, and next week they will clear 200 no problem.  The Colts also have a point differential of -76, with only the Browns (-63) anywhere close to them.  

Huge implications in this one.  We have a big fat 2-4 logjam for 2nd place in the AFC  

aaaAAAAAAND TTHAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

WEEK 17 REPORT: The Brown Crown of Renown

...and the Moldy Carpet 2016 goes to...

THE CLEVELAND BROWNS!!

1-15 

Though the Perfect Season Parade was cancelled due to victory last week (it's a real thing, it's on GoFundMe and it raised over $10,000) and the money was smartly donated to the Cleveland Food Bank, Browns fans can still celebrate the winning of the Moldy Carpet, as their beloved Brownies finish dead last in the NFL for the first time, EVER, in their storied history.

Here's the link to the Perfect Season Parade Fund, in case you doubt us (apologies for this link not being 'active' - you must cut and paste):

https://www.gofundme.com/browns-perfect-season-parade-fund?ssid=860390682&pos=1

We'll get to the incredible final game that the hometown fans got to endure, but first the standings

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 17 

FINAL STANDINGS

AFC

Cleveland -      1-15

Jacksonville -   3-13

NY Jets -          5-11

San Diego -      5-11

Cincinnati -       6-9-1

Bills                  7-9

NFC
San Francisco - 2-14
Chicago -           3-13
Los Angeles -     4-12
Carolina -           6-10

Philly-                7-9

New Orleans     7-9

All teams below the 10-loss line are not granted membership in the Basement for 2016-17.  7-9 you get to spend the winter on the patio by the grill. Philly and Cincinnati both had shots to make the 10 club yesterday, but failed.  The Panthers, however, nailed it. 

BROWNS 24, STEELERS 27 (OT)

(Cleveland) Do you have "grit"?  Cleveland has grit. Cleveland has so much grit, they've got brown and orange kidney stones. 

It was arduous, it was difficult.  But the Brown-outs are money. Playing against the most obscure Steelers money can buy, the Browns still pulled it off.  Despite racking up 27 first downs (first time since Dec. 13, 2015*), 437 total yards and getting punted at 8 times, they still did it.  

They did it by intercepting a pass, running it back the length of the field for an apparent pick-six, and then fumbled at the goal line for a Steeler's touchback. Wow! Pittsburgh responded by marching the length of the field and scoring. 

They did by driving right down to the 3 yard line in the closing minute, tied 21-21, needing only to run out the clock and kick the stupid field goal and win the game- but the Blanks fumbled the ball and the Steelers recovered. Incredible! 

They did it by kicking a field goal in overtime and then letting the Steelers just mow the grass with them, all the way down the field, and watching from a safe vantage point as the Steelers score the winning touchdown. Kablam!! That's right, instead of just safely losing the game early, with the fans slipping away quietly into the overcast afternoon, they kept them in their seats until the final, baleful horn sounded. Blank Helmet Football wraps it up with a cathedral-quiet mass shuffle to the parking lot. I can hear the gravel. 

Owner Jim Haslem is keeping this magnificent front office, GM and coach together for an encore next season, and why not?  He's doubling down! He's double-trouble in a bubble of flubble doubling down! Sprinkle some more grit on that bratwurst!!  Hey, they still need to have that Perfect Season Parade, because the fans deserve- the fans do not deserve this.

I can kind of understand Haslem's decision.  Perhaps the logic is: what the heck difference will it make? What else can happen? Brownie fans everywhere, we salute your bumbling team for the glory of the Moldy Carpet, and for the day you guys will somehow, someway, exit the Basement.  Now, take your Jim Brown jersey, make a hot cocoa, wrap yourself in the jersey, find your comfy chair, and just hum to yourself quietly. Pet the cat. Watch the rain patter on the window. And then, when you've had your cry, tune in the Cavaliers game tonight.  

*the Dec. 13 game was the Battle for the Basement in 2015, vs. the 49ers (4-8 vs the Browns 2-10). The Blanks won that game.  It is, in fact one of the 2 games they have won in the last 27.  

49ERS 23, SEAHAWKS 25

(Santa Clara) The 49ers win the NFC Doormat with a stellar 2-14 season, tying every other 'worst' season they've ever had.  QB Colin Kaepernick posted a 123.1 rating yesterday. The Whiners also went 2-11 on third down. So, he was great on 1st and 2nd down, but complete crapola on 3rd, a solid recipe for posting a loss. The Whiners fired everybody except the owner. Owner Jed York issued so many pink slips you could have made a tutu. So look for more 10 loss seasons until further notice. Because Jed.  Jed is a man with...with...a stadium.  Perhaps he can get the SF Ballet to move there.  They will sell guaranteed tutu 'licenses.' 

Chip Kelly, since he did not enter the league as an offensive coordinator, is done in the NFL. Getting dropped into head coaching with no subordinate roles and failing twice leaves one no options. Not a career NFL man.  But Southwestern East Texas Teacher's College is hiring, I hear.  I believe their nickname is the Knucklerappers.  

LAMBS 6, CARDINALS 44

(Los Angeles) Here we are, end of season. Lambs are just easily the worst team in the league.  How did they ever win those 3 games in a row back in September? I dunno! Must have been a clerical error. Yesterday they finished off the season, at home like the Browns and Whiners, and just mailed it in from so far away, it needed extra postage. 9 first downs. 123 total yards.  3 turnovers (5 total fumbles! just whoa), including a pick six as the cherry on top final glory moment of the season. The defense was- wait, I am being told there was no defense. Never mind. Rams finish a respectable Doormat 4-12.  Can they do to Jared Goff what they did to Sam Bradford (105 sacks in 3 years)?  Stay tuned.

BEARS 10, VIKINGS 38

Before we go all Bears on you, the Vikings (8-8) and the Colts (8-8) will play in the Parity Bowl at a neutral site and every single person will receive a ribbon for participating.

Can we get Bears QB Matt Barkley 9 more games? In a mere 7 contests, he connected on 14 interceptions. If he got a full season, that's 32 interceptions! It won't get him to George Blanda's all-time record of 42, but it's a start. Yesterday he racked up 2 more (plus a Fumble-Six) and avoided the end zone, so his 'balance' is 8 TDs vs. 14 interceptions. Go to the head of the class here in the Basement. The only game he didn't throw an INT was versus the Whiners in a driving snow storm. So, if the NFL expands to Anchorage, we know who to build our roster around.  And don't build a damn indoor stadium.  Be a man!  Oh, my cocoa has gone cold. 

By the way the the all-time single season interception leader (most interceptions by DB) is Night Train Lane, for the 1952 Los Angeles Rams.  A name worth keeping alive.

Bears finish up a very very competitive 3-13, nipping at the heels of the Whiners.  But the victory over the Whiners, in that very blizzard, did them in. Coach John Fox, a blazing 9-23 since taking over this developing Doormat regular, refuses to say if he'll have a job next year. I always wonder what this means- did he offer his resignation and was told to shut up? Win the Moldy Carpet, and we'll talk about firing, John.  

JAGS 20, COLTS 24

What a great finish to a season like this: lose the game with :09 left on the clock.  Jags (3-13) came back into the Basement with a vengeance. Never doubt this club. I don't care who they hire to steer this team. They have culture. 

CHARGERS 27, CHIEFS 37

(San Diego) Interception leader Philip "Why Are People In the Way?" Rivers racks up two more and finishes the season with 21, a curious homage to slingin' John Hadl (#21).  An acceptable 5-11, the Chagrins didn't tank- they just never got around to winning very often. Blowing more leads than anybody thought possible, except our commissioner who called it in the preseason, the Chargers fired coach Mike McCoy yesterday, and so won't have to pack so much stuff for the move to Los Angeles (Pasadena).  

PANTHERS 16, BUCS 17

(Tampa)Three teams had a shot at making 10 losses yesterday, and only the Panthers 

(6-10) achieved greatness and membership in the Basement for the winter. You know, despite the Super Bowl last year, we still have some faded Pansies wallpaper up, behind the TV.  We like the way that funny blue goes with the orange plaid and silver duct tape couch. See, they always come back, even if just on the Patio. They're our grill-masters.  

Who else but the Pansies could lose the final game to them Bucs (9-7!!), our proud Doormat members who graciously passed the torch yesterday in Tampa. Pansie QB Cam Newton was a blaze of interceptions (3) and pained looks (the champion). The crowning pain being the missed 2-point conversion, going for the win, at the end of regulation, instead of getting the tie and going into overtime.  Why wait when you can lose now, and hit the hot tub just that much sooner? 

Panthers experience biggest plummet of the year, from 15-1 and the Stuper Bowl to 6-10 and winterizing in the Basement.  {The Panthers have never had two winning seasons in a row. They began operations in 1993.} 

JETS 30, BILLS 10

(New York) Well, the Jets (5-11) still make the 10 Club, but it could have been so much more. But what are you going to do when it's New Year's Day and the visiting team was in NYC for New Year's?  You won't be losing this game, no matter how much bigger your hangover is than Joe Namath's ever was. Bills play like they left it all on the dance floor last night, and go pffft. Rex Ryan, freshly fired, can head for the golf links and...does his brother caddy? That has to be the best stocked golf bag on the links any time they show up.

AND NOW FOR OUR YEAR-END UPDATES:

THE TEN CLUB

CLEVELAND         1-15                         2 years in a row 10 losses

SAN FRANCISCO 2-14  (coach fired)

JACKSONVILLE    3-13  (coach fired)  5 straight years 10 losses

CHICAGO              3-13                        2 years in a row

LOS ANGELES     4-12   (coach fired)   2 years in a row 

SAN DIEGO          5-11    (coach fired)

NY JETS               5-11                         2 years in a row

CAROLINA            6-10    (coach fired)

. LONGEST PLAYOFF DROUGHT

1. BUFFALO BILLS  - 17  seasons and climbing

2. CLEVELAND BROWNS- 14

3.  ST. LOUIS RAMS- 12

4.  JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS- 9

5. TAMPA BAY BUCS- 9

6. TENNESSEE TITANS- 8

7.  NEW YORK JETS- 6  

8. CHICAGO BEARS- 6

17 seasons is a really long time.  However 26 seasons without a playoff victory is even more painful.

2. LONGEST PLAYOFF VICTORY DROUGHT

1.  CINCINNATI BENGALS-  26 

2.  DETROIT LIONS -  25 (pending playoff outcome) 1 victory since 1957.
3.  BUFFALO BILLS-  21 

4.  CLEVELAND BROWNS- 19

5.  MIAMI DOLPHINS- 15   (pending playoff outcome)

6.  OAKLAND RAIDERS- 14 (pending playoff outcome, not looking good)

7.  TAMPA BAY BUCS-  15  

8.  TENNESSEE TITANS- 14

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aaaaAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

-wacko

WEEK 14 REPORT: CROWN THE BROWNS?

CROWN THE BROWNS? 

WITHER WHINERS?

   1-13                           0-14

Should we just hand the Browns the Moldy Carpet now?  How could this team possibly win a game? Can the Niners somehow catch them? Can the Jags go back and undo those victories?Are the Rams actually the worst team in the league, but just got a late start?

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 14

AFC
Cleveland -      0-13
Jacksonville -   2-11
NY Jets -          4-9
San Diego -      5-8
Cincinnati -       5-7-1
Indianapolis-     6-7

NFC
San Francisco - 1-12
Chicago -           3-10
Los Angeles -     4-9
Carolina -           5-8
Philly-                 5-8

New Orleans      5-8


BROWNS 10, BENGALS 23
Fearless in their pursuit of the Moldy Carpet, the Browns opened the game yesterday with 5 punts and an interception for 56 yards and about 3 first downs. This got them all the way to the 3rd quarter! On the other side of the ball, they guided Bungles QB Andy Dalton to his highest rating of the year (112.2) and a 20-0 lead at intermission. Browns 'coach' Hue Jackson took the pressure off in the 2nd half and allowed his team to score a little, to avoid hypothermia. He also 'asked for understanding' about RGB III's sloppy start. No worries here Hue, we get it! 0-16 looks good to us. Let the haggling about who is the worst 0-16 team - them or the 2008 Lions.

Browns danger game is the final game against the Steelers, who may have locked up a playoff spot by then and decide to rest the entire roster. A raffle will be held among the local Pittsburgh high schools to to field a team.

GAME OF THE WEEK
NINERS 17, JETS 23 (OT)
You had to see it to believe it. This was serious. The Jests started 3rd stringer Bryce Petty, a fiery fighter of fiesty football fury! Also, definitely a... 2nd string QB. Showing his mettle, he started off, on play 1, with an interception at his own 7-yard line, then following it up with a quick 3 and out. On the backside,the Gang Green (I didn't even have to make that up) defense showed 49er running back Carlos Hyde where the holes were, and the Whiners were up 14-0 and in serious jeopardy with a whole game to play yet. Patience.

The Jets punted and punted, yet the Niners countered with driving and missing field goals (2), a real morale drainer. FU, Jets!! Then they traded field goals. Uh-oh. Niners coach Chip Kelly, nervous about all the yardage being piled up and the nearness of the goal line, and a eye-popping 17-3 lead, ground the offense to a complete halt, finishing off for the day with 6 consecutive punts (ok they ended the first half with the ball, but they would have punted if someone had just given them the time). Later, regarding the 'conservative' offense, Chip said "it's on me."  Chip, we know that.  It's on you like the smell of barf on a fraternity toilet on Sunday morning.

Undaunted, the Jets countered with grim nothing, slipping up on one measly 3rd quarter field goal. Petty was looking like Doormat Gold.
But the Niners, ahead 17-6 with tons of time left in the 4th, had just had enough. Pulling themselves apart collectively on defense, their worst tackling angles finally clicked, the sliding off running backs like water off a duck's back suddenly was easy, and they backed off receivers and dragged the Jets down the field in an arduous 15-play, 9 minute drive, capping it off with a stellar missed tackle by Ahmad Brooks that landed the Jesters in the end zone.

Sure he couldn't do it twice, the Nyets ran Petty right at Brooks for the 2-point conversion and he did a wondrous missed tackle encore, complete with flailing and spinning, and BOOM.
17-14. 

Had enough?  The fun was just starting. With 4:48 to go, and the sound of seagulls echoing around a silent stadium, the Whiners doubled down and punted immediately, gaining 0 yards on 3 plays. By now the Jets knew they were doomed, it was just a matter of time. 8 plays later, the tying field goal (50 yards) wafted into the bay air, noiselessly floating between the goal posts as 30,000 empty red seats waited for the final indignity in OT. 

The Niners won the coin toss, and countered with a new move, turning the ball over on downs, eschewing the punt, as it would put the Jets too far down the field and hey the Jets need to score here. 

The gassed 49er defense gave it all up on this drive, including just giving up on the last run into the end zone for the Jets.  It was the kind of drive that makes evil empire owner Jed York and his minion, GM Trent Balke, cackle into their champagne. If only the Browns would win a game!  The Moldy Carpet could be theirs.  Dream on.  

LAMBS 14, FALCONS 42,000
Lambie rookie QB Jared Goff had the deer-in-the-headlights thing going on yesterday, scoring 14 points for the Falcons with a pick-six and a fumble-six (plus another INT), so, wow, Jared.  But, let's be fair- the entire team stunk like lamb stew that's been on the back burner on a forgotten Greek island restaurant for the entire summer.  2 more fumbles, 7 punts, and 11 penalties for 105 yards. I mean...it's so great they moved back to L.A. It's just what they needed down there. (The Lambs may actually be the worst team in the league right now. Remember, they lost to the 49ers, 28-0, in week 1. Think about that.) The Falcons punted EIGHT times and STILL scored 42 points.  Holy Toledo.  

SAINTS 11, BUCS 16
These guys can't even find the right numbers.  6 field goals, a safety, and 1 touchdown.  Bucs keep winning....Doormat exit!

BEARS 17, LIONS 20
Yet again the Bears make it look close. The Lions were game to lose, but the Bears weren't having it.  Bears got the Lions in the end zone last, and that's all that mattered.  Bears clear the 10 loss marker!

BILLS 20, STEELERS 27
It's interesting watching a team that doesn't start an actual quarterback. If the Bills can keep losing, they can finish 6-10. But the Jets and Browns are on the schedule- forget it.  For certain they will not make the playoffs- that will be 18 seasons without even an invite to the party.  Who needs a party when you can scrape ice off your windshield?

JAGUARS 16, VIKINGS 25
An absolute HAIL of field goals- 7- before somebody scored a touchdown.  My foot is sore. Pick-six machine Jaguar Blake Bortles didn't even throw an interception yesterday. ??  The Jags were ahead going into the 4th quarter! Vikings QB Sam Bradford was looking for another way to prove his Doormat mettle. But it was not to be. The Jags, better than just about anybody at losing at home in stadium deflating fashion, got the fans heading for the exits before the 2- minute warning, as the Vikings got the shock of the afternoon- scoring two TDs in one quarter.  Jags 2-11 and a force.

THREE WEEKS TO GO.  It's all about keeping the losses in your locker room, and watching out for better teams that give up and teams that have made the playoffs, rest everybody, and field a Doormat lineup against you.  Stay strong! Stay disorganized!  Don't adjust!  

aaaaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!!

WEEK 13 REPORT and COLD HARD FACTS OF FANTASY

Niners Take Control of NFC

Browns Don't Lose

Jaguars Must be Taken Seriously

That's Not My Hedgehog

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 13

AFC
Cleveland -     0-12
Jacksonville -  2-10
NY Jets -         3-8
Cincinnati -     4-7-1
San Diego -    5-7
Indianapolis-   5-6
NFC
San Francisco - 1-11
Chicago -          3-9
Los Angeles -   4-8
Carolina -         4-8
Philly-               5-7
New Orleans    5-7

Game of the Week

WHINERS 6, BEARS 26
If you want to be the king of the Basement in the NFC, and you've got a game coming up at Chicago's Soldier Field Snow Park, by all means spend the week before in Orlando, Florida. Chip Kelly is a genius. Amassing 6 net yards in passing for the WHOLE GAME, the San Francisco 49ers 
put a slushball down their pants and got more penalties (11) than first downs (10). 147 total yards of offense minus 106 yards of penalties comes out to...control of the NFC Basement!!  

The 6 yards of passing coincided brilliantly with Colin Kaepernick's announcement that he will opt out of his contract at the end of the season. Perfect. 

But let's share one stellar moment, a true great in Doormat history: Punting from their own end zone, the Bears arrange a blocked punt, which is caught in the air just 10 yards from the end zone by the 49ers and run back for an apparent touchdown. Even though the DB had run out of bounds at the 4 and everybody in the stadium knew it wasn't a touchdown, at least two 49ers got down in the slush and made snow angels until they drew a 'celebration' penalty. The Whines then ended up out at the 19 yard line, which was really far hey no fair, and settled for a field goal. You really couldn't have drawn up a better knucklehead play if you tried. Or, maybe they did.

The Bears, now, matched up really well for almost the entire first half, even trailing the Whines 6-0 at one point, fumbling the ball away on a punt and a kickoff in the midst of a driving wet snow storm to get those points for the Whiners. It was shaping up to be a gloriously horrrible game. 

But it was their bad luck to have the ball at the 2:00 warning before the half, and out of some kind of duty to protocol, they tried a forward pass (there were no completions in the first quarter by either team, first time since 1988).  OOPS!  3rd-string QB Matt (wow, I'm IN the GAME) Barkley discovered he had no problem completing passes, which, I'm sure had nothing to do with the 49ers Ole' defensive backfield. They skied down the field and scored. Then they couldn't stop it.

Ultimately, the most anticipated game of the Doormat season was no contest. This game was lost in Orlando, and the Bears just had no chance.  Bears now 3-9 and clinging to slim hopes. Niners 1-11 and the Jets coming up at home next week. Another tough challenge?  I dunno, these guys prepare.

BROWNS 0, NOBODY 0
The only way the Browns don't lose is if they don't play. Next week: The Battle for OhiO, 
Bengals-Browns.

JAGAURS 10, BRONCOS 20
Ja-gyu-ars.  Ja-geeyuu-ars. Let's start pronouncing it like the British motor company insists. After all, they PLAY in London every year. Pretty soon, we'll just change the name to the London Pubcrawlers. Jags are 2-10 and keeping the Browns in sight. Gags QB Blake Bortles, with yesterday's fluttering pick-six, has 3 pick-sixes in the last 4 games.  He's got 11 in 3-years (his entire career). Bortles also tossed in a critical fumble near the end, when they were in danger of tying the game.

Just...wow, man.

PANTHERS 7, SEAHAWKS 40
Seahawks run into the Carolina Buzz-Saw, getting 534 yards of offense stuffed into their stat sheet, and any hope of another desultory, blindingly boring game was snuffed out like so many sad campfires in a dank Washington KOA. P.S. We're sending Cam Newton one of our Doormat Ties.  You can smell them when they are still in the box.  

DOLPHINS 6, RAVEN-POES 38
Well, after this bomb-out, maybe the Dolpins can run the table and still get a losing season out of this.  7-9 is still possible! Floppers QB Ryan Tannehill brings home the tuna with 3 interceptions and frightening inaccuracy.

LAMBS 10, PATRIOTS 26
The Lambs are the only team that gets their Doormat nickname in the headline. That's how much we trust them. 7 first downs, 8 punts, 2 interceptions and 400 yards of free offense for New England. Somehow, the Niners were worse than them, but the last game of the season will settle that score.

LIONS 28, SAINTS 13
Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos!!!  The worst the Lions can finish is 8-8. They are leading the NFC North.  They are the best team at converting in the red zone this season.  WTF??  Hoorah for the Lions and the city of Detroit.  We stand up upon our crusted pizza boxes, and raise a stale Rainier Ale toast to the bums from Motown.  Saints still hanging around our grill out on the patio, wanting in.

BUCS 28, CHARGERS 21
Living up to it's billing this was the wildest game of the week (tied with Chiefs -Falcons),  the BUCS end the day (thank you Chiefs) tied for first place in the NFC South. It could all fall apart in the next 4 weeks, but kudos to our exiting Doormat. 

TONIGHT:  JETS-COLTS.  Jets should get this one, but the Colts are completely unreliable.


aaaaAAAAAaaand That's the View From the Basement!!!!!