WEEK 9 WRAP-UP and ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS!!

O-fer-Niners!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK NINE

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

SANTA CLARA         0-9           143      239     -96

NY GIANTS               1-7           129      207     -78

TAMPA BAY              2-6           158      198     -40

CHICAGO                 3-5            134     171     -37

DETROIT                  3-4            176     169     +7

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-8          119      202      -83
INDIANAPOLIS         3-5          162      260      -98

CINCINNATI              3-5          129      158      -29

DENVER                    3-5          150     198       -48

LA CHARGERS         3-5          150     152       -2

HOUSTON                 3-5           229     208       +21

TOP OF THE HEAP

49ERS 10, CARDINALS 20

You know, if you look at Whiner QB C.J. Beathard's name right, it all makes sense. 

 Separate the 't' and the 'h' and you get 5 sacks, 16 hits, flurries of hurries and...new QB acquisition Jimmy "Chisel Chin" Garoppolo got a real close look at the 49er offensive strategy yesterday, and what really must have impressed him was, even though Beat-hard is a human punching bag, when he does get time to throw, he has a wide array of receivers ready to drop any pass thrown, any time, however accurate. These guys are wearing clown gloves. But, really, when the O-line is so porous that the ineffective running back blocking gets to shine almost every play, why would you even EXPECT to get a pass thrown anywhere near you?  It's just a lot to ask.

The O-fer-Niners are now the first team to 0-9, as the Browns could not keep pace yesterday, because they weren't allowed on a field. Enjoy it while you can, Whine-boys, because next week the NY Giants (1-7), come to the Most Expensive Empty Stadium in football, and, believe you-me, the Giants are not leaving until they get another loss in the bag. BE THERE.

BLOW OUT OF THE WEAK and ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS!

GIANTS 17,  RAMS 51
What a two-fer!  Giants coach Ben McAdoo craftily suspended top DB (Janoris Jenkins) this week and the team responded by getting Ram's QB Jared Goff career highs in yards (311) and TDs (4). The rest of the team picked up on the spirit of the thing, and got Jimmy Hoffa'd (buried in their own stadium) 51-17.  Last time they got shellacked like that? 52-21 in 1964 against the...Cleveland Browns, the last time the Browns won a game. Or so it seems. This game was truly a changing of the guard.

Now, please rise and remove your Doormat Team cap of your choice, raise a dented can of your favorite minty beverage and give a lusty cheer for the exit of one our longest standing members, The LOS ANGELES LAMBS!  Holy God of Mercy, they're GONE. Without a winning season since 2003, the Lambs have the blue and white helmets back on, and look...they look great. They're having fun, and there are tears of joy in the stands.  Though only 6-2, and the requisite is you have to guarantee an minimum 8-8 finish, these guys are not coming back this year.  Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos!

THE OTHER BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

BRONCOS 23, EAGLES 51
Well, here's your second half of the season team that won't be anywhere near a mile-high in altitude any time soon.  The Chargers may have a rough time finishing last in their own division, at this rate.  The Buncos are now in rotating mediocre QB mode. Spinning slowly in the Rocky Mountain breeze....brr.

TEXANS 14, COLTS 20
The Indiapopolopolis Colts, supposedly the worst team in the league, now have 3 victories, and are 3 whole games behind the Browns for the AFC Doormat crown.  The Moldy Carpet Trophy...fading hopes.  Now that starting Texan QB Deshaun Watson is on the sideline, the Toxins don't have to listen to fan complaints about how they aren't using him right. They can toss someone far less talented out there and get back to losing to anybody on any given Sunday. Watch for the Texans to finish lower on the totem pole than the Colts in the AFC South.

OHIO PRIDE

BENGALS 7, JAGUARS 23
Well, if the Browns aren't playing, an Ohio team has to pick up the Orange Banner, and wave it...vigorously.  And open the windows, whew!   8 first downs, 148 total yards, 7 punts, multiple fights, a couple chokeholds and our FIRST team under 20 minutes possession time this year - 19:46!!!  It was way messier than a Browns loss, but not everyone can be so professional. Way to step UP, Bungles!

BUCCANEERS 10, SAINTS 30
The Bucs (2-6) brought their fascinating train wreck to the Big Easy yesterday, and I hope their fans found a good oyster po' boy sandwich somewhere in town, and a decent mint julep with an excellent shot of bourbon in it. The Bucs though, man they looked like they had 7 or 8 Hurricanes the night before, each with a more absurd straw as the night wore on. Oh well, another bunch of green horn tourists that can't find a real jazz club OR the end zone. Put it in a go-cup and head back to Florida.

DOLPHINS 24, RAIDERS 27
During this game last night the red phone rang, and it was, of course, our Commissioner on the line. He had a few thoughts:  1) Raiders receiver Amari Cooper, who apparently can't catch a pass, but can catch a grounder (onside kick), should switch over to playing SS for the A's. After all, he's familiar with the infield.  2) The Raiders have talent, but no focus.  They may yet still be with us in the Basement come January.  3) Can we find out how many penalties the Raiders have in their playbook?  4) Miami is not much of anything but an opponent every Sunday.

And, there you have it- the goal of half the league in the NFL is to be...an opponent on Sunday. Might as well wear hideous all-teal uniforms and live in Parity, because once the playoffs show up, your best shot is to be that team that 'has no business' being in the playoffs. But you see- they DO. They represent the majority interest in the league (and, often the Doormat Division as well), and deserve a seat at the table in January, however brief. They are the fatted calf of the playoffs!  Sacrifice is the spice of life.

TONIGHT:  LIONS AT PACKERS
The Porkers have had a whole week off to dis-prepare for this entry attempt into our league. Let's see what they can not do tonight against the often-accommodating Kittens, another team teetering on making the Bears relevant. The NFC North, the division bent on making the Vikings winners.


aaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!

WEEK SIX WRAP-UP and PARITY PARTY

PARITY IS A...SIX LETTER WORD

BROWNS AND NINERS BURN THE BACON PROPERLY,

EVERYBODY ELSE NEEDS TO DECIDE

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK SIX

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA    DIF

SANTA CLARA         0-6            113      146   -33

NY GIANTS               1-5            105     132    -27

CHICAGO                 2-4            105      148    -43

ARIZONA                  3-3            119      158   -39

DALLAS                    2-3            125     132    -7

AFC

                                  W-L         PF       PA     DIF

CLEVELAND            0-6           94       157    -63
INDIANAPOLIS         2-4          119      195   -76

OAKLAND                2-4           124     126     -2

LA CHARGERS        2-4           116     131    -15

CINCINNATI              2-3           84       83       +1

BROWNS LOOK UNSTOPPABLE

BROWNS 17, TEXANS 33

The Clowns did it all yesterday-  piles of penalties, dropped passes, 3 interceptions, flailing defense, and a sequence of possessions that goes into the Doormat Hall of Fame. 

Here's the sequence:  1st quarter-  Punt, Punt (both 3 and outs), then arduous 10 play drive that pays off with Kevin Hogan interception returned 82 yards for Texan TD.  Following up five plays later, Hogan whips another interception!  Then, Punt, Punt (both 3 and out) and then 5 play INTERCEPTION drive!  Then after the half,  PUNT (3 and out, thank you), SAFETY (variety is the spice of life),  Punt (5 plays...why?), PUNT, PUNT...and....FUTILE TOUCHDOWN with 01:49 left on the clock.  Scoring your only offensive touchdown with less than 2 minutes to go in the game is a must, if you want to compete in this league.

Wait, that's the whole game. I missed a field goal in there, somewhere.  But there are things to learn here-  Any drive going over 3 plays should then be terminated with an interception. Can you just feel the suspense for Brown fans when Blank Helmet Football creeps past the 4th play on any drive?

SO, WHAT NOW, CLEVELAND?

The Blanks have had 3 winning seasons since 1988.  Three.  Remember, they left town, and, insanely, a NEW Browns team was created, molded from the mud at the Mistake By the Lake, no doubt.  In an effort to help, the Doormat Division held an official conference yesterday with the Commissioner of our august organization conducting the proceedings.  We even kicked the 'possum out onto the patio, we were so serious.

OUR OFFICIAL RECOMMENDATION (should you want to win a game):

Fire your GM. Twice. Then fire (1-21) Hue Jackson, once he gets back from swimming in Lake Erie. Now. He doesn't even get to change out of his wet suit. Then hire someone to run a read-option offense (Chip Kelly is so available he isn't even wearing Oregon colors...whatever those might be).  Sign Colin Kaepernick, and start a fire under everybody's butts. Compared to what's going on now, these are GOOD IDEAS.  That says something, all right.

Then SELL the team to a new owner, preferably a consortium of rock stars and hip-hop artists (Duffy, Puff Daddy, Jay Z, Sammy Hagar, Alice Cooper...u-pick), partner with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, have a roster of performers for the National Anthem that just blows your mind, and change this:

The name of the team.  That's right- screw it. Can we stop kidding ourselves that there is a thing called a Brown? Go for the Rockers, put a clenched fist on the helmet...or just design the helmet to look like a rock. Please, GOD, put something on the helmet.  Commit to something.  Anything.  Paul Brown's HAT.  Cleveland Rockers.

Uniform:  minimize the orange, wear white pants, DARK DARK brown jerseys. STOP trying to lighten the brown. Whoa that light brown and bright orange is embarrassing for a Division 3 school- and at least they'd have something on their helmet.  

But, who are we to question excellence in ineptitude?  

Browns were 0-6 this time last year, and they're 0-6 now. The Pumpkin Heads have every chance at going 0-16, and all that money raised last year for the Perfect Season Parade- they should have just put it into a savings account, and waited.  

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

49ers 24, WASHINGTON 26

0-6 and leading the league in penalties and dropped passes, and second in missed tackles, the Whiners lose again by the second closest of margins, staging yet another Futile Comeback. Hands of stone, brains of oatmeal, and reaction times of a three-toed sloth, the Forty-Whiners stand atop the NFC standings, in the clear air, sailing free of the clutter of focus, discipline, and execution...though that might be a word with different meaning down south in Santa Clara this morning.  Backup rookie QB C.J. Beathard made his debut for the 49ers yesterday, and he's trouble. They may win a game with him around.  He, at least, looks like a QB from the 70's- nice 'stache.  

GIANTS 23, BRONCOS 10

Okay!  The Giants won a game! Celebrate Giants fans!  Who knows when these times will come again. Except 3 weeks from now in Santa Clara where the Whiners are gonna hand you victory #2.

JAGUARS 17, RAMS 27

We may have Bro-Cha-Cho'd the Jags, but they still can't win two in a row, so hold the confetti. The RAMS, however, are not the Lambs anymore. Just get to 8 victories, you bums, and you'll be in the promised land of Parity Parity Parity!  The thrill of being average!

CARDINALS 38, BUCS 33

Staked to a huge lead, 31-6, the Cruds pulled out all the stops and nearly lost the game, which would have been an all-time kablooey, but it was not to be. 3-3 and just mediocre.

Bucs fall to 2-3, and hey!  We know these guys!  

RAVENS 24, BEARS 27

daBares got a pick-six, and punt return for a TD, and running back Tarick Cohen threw a TD pass off a pitch-out. They need all the help they can get...and they're getting it. The Ravens just flat-out outplayed the Bears.  Ravens could lose 10.

DOLPHINS 20, FALCONS 17

Coming into this game, the Dolphins had scored 3 touchdowns. With yesterday's explosion of two TD's, this should cause complete exhaustion going into next week's gritty battle with the Jets. The Fins are averaging 12 points a game, yet have 3 wins. The Jets and Fins should be Doormats, but at 3-3 and 3-2, I shouldn't even be writing about these guys. So confusing.

RRRRAIDERS 16, CHARGERS 17

The Raydurz, oh my, are BACK.  2-4, and starting to look like one of those Jack Del Rio Jaguar teams where just about everybody knows what play they are going to call. The Chargers may lead the league in missed tackles, but the Raiders fixed that problem,by A, not blocking, and B, out-bumbling the Chagrins, and not covering running backs on pass plays. Look, you can't do everything. Pick your battles. 

Charred QB Philip Rivers avoids playing catch with the wrong team, which is easy to do against a team that does NOT have an interception yet this season, and they win their second in a row.  Sure it was the Giants and Raiders.  But if you can't to lose to these guys, you aren't winning the Moldy Carpet.  Raiders get to turn around and play the CHIEFS this Thursday night. Look Out.  2-5 looms. 

Lots of Parity Division going on, makes for an exciting schedule, and by week 8, we should have the crumble factor in full swing.

Monday Results

COLTS 22, TITANS 36

Colts build mirage lead, finally cave because they lead the league in points given up!  195 big ones, baby, and next week they will clear 200 no problem.  The Colts also have a point differential of -76, with only the Browns (-63) anywhere close to them.  

Huge implications in this one.  We have a big fat 2-4 logjam for 2nd place in the AFC  

aaaAAAAAAND TTHAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

RAMS-NINERS DO IT THE RIGHT WAY

NOW, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!!

RAMS 41, 49ERS 39

The NFL season is 3 weeks old, nearly, and the Los Angeles Rams have delivered potent offense in 2 of their three games.  Last night, they graciously invited the Santa Clara 49ers to join them in a wild, Doormat shootout at Levi's stadium. WHAT A GAME. Combining shaky defenses with crafty young coaches brimming with cool offensive ideas, and numerous mistakes with a lotta hutzpah makes for a potentially wild game. We got one.

Thursday Night Football requires teams to wear the ugliest Division II style of uniforms possible.  The Rams won this round with the all-yellow ensemble. But, they played like a couple crazy Div. II teams, so HEY.

The game started perfectly-  Whiners QB Brian Hoyer throws a first play interception- directly at the defender- and sets up the Rams at the 2 yard-line.  TD, Rams!  Then the Rams held the 49ers for a quick three and ou- but WAIT, a penalty gives the Whines new life and they ZOOM down the field and score. 7-7.  First touchdown of the year! Somebody alert the empty seats!

The Whiners kick off to the Lambs, and get a simple 3 and ou- but WAIT,  49er penalty gives the Rams NEW LIFE and they whip down the field and SCORE.  14-7.  Doormat excellence!

The Rams, though they have no defense, do have guys who can fall on a ball. The Whiners complied with a deft fumble on the next series, making another short field, and the Lambos kick a field goal.  17-7.

Finally, the Norty-finers take it upon themselves to just play bad, and punt, but not so fast, pal, as the Rams receiver fumbllllllllles the punt and the Whiners take over at the Ram 12. Undaunted,  the Red and Gold (ok, black and red) put it in reverse and back it up to 3rd and 18 and drop a perfectly thrown ball in the process.
Whiners hold it to a FIELD GOAL.   17-10, Rams.

Unbelievably, the Whiners offense holds on the next series, and the Lambs PUNT.  You won't see that guy for 3 quarters. Whines respond on their series with a penalty, a sack, and 3rd and 17.  Undaunted, the Lambs find the 49ers a first down and follow it up with 12 men on the field!  But the Whiners pull off a sack, and....they still wobble one over the uprights for another field goal. 17-13, Rams.

With slightly over 2 minutes to go before half-time, the Niners get blinded by the yellow uniforms, and initiate their 2-minute penalty drill, the refs start throwing yellow flags and next thing you know Todd Gurley has scored his 3rd touchdown for the Lambinis.   BOOM.  24-13, Rams.

HALFTIME.  
At this point, one felt that the wheels were going to come off the 49er wagon, and the Rams would eventually win 40-13.  But as Buzz Lightyear once said: NOT TODAY.

3rd Quarter-
Rams open with a really juicy BOMB from Jared Goff to Willie Mays impersonator Sammy Watkins, the 49ers toss in an interference call after that, the Rams land at the 2 yard line, get scared, back it up the field, and kick a field goal, desperately trying to not get so dang far ahead.  27-13, Rams.

Whew. The Rams counter this defensive collapse by the Whines with their own, engineering open spaces for the entire field, timing a roughing the passer penalty perfectly, and the Whiners romp down the field as if they were the Patriots and Carlos Hyde blasts into the end zone from 1 yard out.  27-20, Rams.

At this point, you realize that nobody is punting, you better not change the channel, and it's pretty much a pick-up game at the park.  With really huge guys playing.

And, on cue, the 49ers counter with their own missing defense, multiple penalties, and the Rams find themselves stumbling into the end zone with Sammy Watkins takin it in on a pass from 1 yard out.  34-20, RAMS.

4th QUARTER
UNDAUNTED, the gassed LA defense gets burned for a huge sky-rocket bomb from Hoyer to Goodwin all the way down the field and before you can get annoyed by the Rams fans behind you and start a fight, the Whiners SCORE AGAIN.  Hey!  I'm supposed to be incredibly bored here!  Why are we standing up? These are the NINERS we're talking about.  But, just so you don't get too cocky, 49er placekicker Robbie Gold shanks the extra point.  34-26, LAMBS.

At this point, I think the entire starting lineup for the 49er defense is injured, and God knows who was in those suits out there. They were dropping like toddlers on an uphill hike, and you forgot the candy. The Lambs coast down the field, capping it with Watkin's second TD catch, and picking up maybe a possible concussion.  When are guys going to stop leading with their helmets?  Maybe when they go back to using leather helmets. 41- 26, RAMS.

Momentarily finding their Doormat acumen, the Whines drop a couple passes and PUNT, only their second of the game.  The Rams then counter with another PUNT.  Take that! It began to look like the fuel was on empty, and then everybody started to head for the exits...even those that never arrived in the first place.

And they missed this:  Another 50 yard bomb from Hoyer, this time to Pierre Garcon.  He was NOT open.  He just caught it anyway.  That Lamb defense is something to behold!  The Niners score again, possibly using up all their touchdowns for the next 7 games, and pull to 41-33 with 5:08 left.

Now on a mission, the Rams fumble the kickoff and the unsuspecting Niners fall on it.  Stunned all around, they take 8 plays to go 29 yards, score the TD....and miss the two point conversion.  41-39.

The ensuing onside kickoff bounces off a 49er helmet and the Whines recover!  LOOK OUT, you might WIN, Whiners! Now comes the part, if you are a Niner fan, you hate.  They get a first down that would have put them in field goal range, and the receiver gets hit with an offensive pass interference call, on a really dubious minor arm-push-off. In our Doormat world, we appreciate the killer penalty, but no ref should call something that ticky-tack at the end of a game when the competition is really high. And that was your ballgame. Now at 3rd and 20, Hoyer finally gets sacked by Rams DE Aaron Donald, who was in Hoyer's grill all night.

Game Over.  Hilarious, great Doormat game. These two teams, if they ever find a defense, will not remain Doormat members for much longer. But remember, these offenses look a lot better when these two teams play each other.  The Rams could achieve Parity this year.  The 49ers won't, but, please keep playing like that, guys.  At least against the other shaky defenses.  Doormat Ball the way it should be played.

Whiners 0-3 and have lost 9 straight home games (O-fer Niners), dating all the way back to last year's home opener against these same Rams.

aaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!

TWELFTH WEEK: BURSTING WITH BOOBERY !!

WELCOME MAT ON THE PATIO

It is time to welcome the newcomers, because they don’t appear to be leaving.   The Dallas Cows: 3-8 and looking like a real contender, now that Tony Romo broke his collar bone again. 

I saw the play.  Honestly, I wish the tactic of lifting and slamming a guy to the turf would stop being a technique they teach for sacking QBs, since most of them, at that point, are more than willing to hit the turf.  Football is an entertainment for paying customers, and they’d really rather see Tony Romo playing in a game instead of getting carted off the field.  His backup is Matt Cassel, for lord sakes, and I’m not ponying up my hard won wages on the ranch to watch that kind of boobery, unless I’m ensconced in the basement pulling for the loser to lose again. It really is like the fans don’t matter.  Or I should say, only YOUR fans matter, which is pretty darn stupid. Slamming a QB down on his shoulder means you want something bad to happen to that shoulder.  Period.  And, might I add, if TV money is the only money that counts, why does it cost so much to watch a game from the nose bleed seats?

End of rant.

Also busting into the basement with some real authority are the Philadelphia Feebles, a college offense getting its butt kicked in the NFL.  Stop pretending it’s not happening.  It doesn’t work.  Stop handing the ball back to the other team in 5 seconds.  But hey, it’s our gain, so Coach Chip, keep up the good work.  And bringing up the rear are the New Orleans Ain’ts, where old, hidden paper bags, a little greasy from the fried chicken and other extremely tasty foods that grace the shores of the Mississippi in those parts, are coming out of the trunk.  Welcome back guys, it’s been a while.  

Let’s check the standings, and then skewer the games:

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 12

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Whiners      3-8           152 - 271

Cows          3-8            204 - 261
Lambs        4-7            186 - 230

Kittens        4-7           230 - 288

Feebles       4-7            243 - 274

Ain’ts         4-7            261 – 339

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      2-9            203 - 257

Browns      2-8            186 - 277

Chargers     3-8           244 - 307

Cravens      3-6            226 - 249

Dolphins     4-7           225 - 287

Gaguars      4-7            236 - 299

THE LEADERS:

WHINERS 13,  CARDINALS 19

Let’s face it, no matter how helpful the Cardinals were yesterday, it was no dice against the worst team in the NFL.  Right down to coming up with an extra point doinking off the right upright with 2:36 left in the game, keeping the game tantalizingly close at 19-13, the Cardinals were just NOT going to lose this game.  In fact, they were sabotaged by the refs on their final drive.  An dubious roughing the passer penalty, which was just a clean sack, on a critical third down and then the capper- interfering with the ref by players on the 49er sideline, on a well defended bomb by Crudinal QB Carson Palmer.  The ref grazed the arm of a 49er standing in the restricted zone. Next time, at least knock the zebra to the turf, dude. In fact, throw in a body slam! That’s 30 extra yards to a team trying to give the ball back to the Niners.  

But this is what terrible teams get- refs start LOOKING for stuff that the better teams (as in mediocre) don't get called for.  It’s like the whipping boy in 3^rd grade- same guy always gets blamed for everything (13 penalties for a measly 81 yards).  It’s only fair- if your line has problems, when they try to play inspired ball, you get flagged for more penalties.  The Niners are this team. 
So Carson Palmer ends up running in the winning touchdown, nearly ending his season with an awkward ball spike and sprawl into the photographers.  Dainty.

Whiner QB Blaine Gabbert racked up over 300 yards, but went 0-9 (O-4-niners!) on third down conversions, and came up with the killer sack on the final drive, ending all hope at Levi stadium (shouldn’t the seat covers be denim?) p.s.  Niners wore their black “we’re not the Niners” uniforms.  They didn't really need to do that.   It's pretty obvious.

BROWNIES VS. CRAVENS (MONDAY NIGHT)

Our AFC leaders (yes I know the Titans lost, but we wait for this game) face off tonight in a Prime Time MNF Doormat Extravaganza that is not to be missed, if you even remotely appreciate the finer points of terrible football. 

The Brownies have tried everything, short of winning games, but to no avail- but this one is going to be tough. It’s at home, where Cleveland fans are used to being handed humble pie on any given Sunday, but Johnny Foosball is putting down the shot glass and, I think, will actually win a game for Cleveland. I’m going way out on a limb. This will vault the Titanics (2-9) into unchallenged first place.  But let’s not run off half-cocked, give the Cravens their due- they can lose any game at any moment anywhere.  No matter how close a game is, they can make it look like a 20 point deficit.   It’s gonna be a wild wild wild total STIFF of a game.  I sure hope it’s Chris Berman and Jon Gruden on this one, because they will have a FIELD DAY.  EDGE TO LOSE:  CRAVENS

DOORMAT ALERT:

BROWN AND NINERS PLAY EACH OTHER ON

DEC. 13^th

TITANICS 21, RRRRAIDERS 24

Where do you go when you’ve lost three in a row and you have no one to turn to?  Memphis!  The Raiders, despite fumbling the ball repeatedly, got outfoxed by Marcus Mariota, a rookie guiding his team with confidently thrown late interceptions that are driving the Titanics straight to Davy Jones’ Locker. 

COWS 13,  PANTHERS 33

The Panthers are really good, and the Cows made sure they looked it.  Cows TIED FOR FIRST with the Niners.  It’s a damn shame these two old rivals aren’t facing off late in the season for NFC Doormat bragging rights.  

FEEBLES 14,  LIONS 45

The Feebs have Mark ‘Hold and Sack’ Sanchez at QB, and that pretty much takes care of that. The Feebs held the ball for a meager 22 minutes, while the Lions had it for almost 38. The Lions have won three in a row- that’s just wrong. Doormats DO NOT win 3 in a row. What with the Packers (next week) in a huge slump and the rest of the schedule looking lighter every minute, the Lions could have…dare I say it- an absurd shot at the playoffs.  The Feebles, on the other hand, are just sinking into a muck so deep it’s like the malarial swamps that used to grace the Philly shores back in the early days, when Ben Franklin was coaching.  Both teams are 4-7 but headed in drastically different directions.  However, Feebs still only one game out of first in the All-Doormat NFC East. Good GRIEF. 

GAGUARS 25, CHARS 31

Just when you think you’ve got the system down, you’re the worst team in the AFC, you have to play Jacksonville, and you get schooled.  No team, except of course for Cleveland, can crush a home crowd more efficiently.  In the playoff hunt at kickoff time yesterday, the Gags find the way to give Char QB Philip Rivers 4 TD passes and still lose the game.  The Char’s usually successful game plan finally foiled, the Gags fall to 4-6 and stay in the Basement with us.  Whew, that WAS CLOSE.

AIN’TS 6,  TEXANS 24

Remember when the Toxins were 1-4?  And looked hopeless?  Pull that sticker off and slap it on the Saints!  Drew Brees doesn’t throw a TD pass for the first time in forever, and the Saints fail to score a TD for the first time since Louis Armstrong was running the town.

Can we pull the Fleur-de-Lys trunk out of storage mom, can we? I wanna decorate.  

LAMBS 7, BENGALS 31

The Bungles may have lost two in a row, but fat chance they were going to lose this one, not with the Lambies pulling out their Big Play Two Ply Defense!  I don’t know about YOU, but I think maybe Lamb coach Jeff Fisher really isn’t a coach.  He’s just a testy guy scowling his way through the NFL until somebody notices he was originally hired to run the washing machines.  Somewhere along the way, he grabbed an extra clipboard, stole a headset, and here we are.  The Lambs are BACK!  Wrap me in wool, baby, it’s gonna be a loooooooooong, cold St. Louis winter.

SPECIAL 12^th WEEK HONORS:  The Entire NFC East has a losing record, thanks to the Deadskins beating the Giants yesterday.   5-6 gets you First Place.  There’s still 5 games to go, so it’s a long way to the finish line, but we can hope they keep it under .500 all the way.  Duke it out, guys!!!

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 12

Points:                6                Saints

First downs:        14              NOLA, PHI, DAL     

Turnovers:   apple cinnamon

Turnovers (int/fum):   4/0     Steelers

Total Yards:        210            Cowboys

Yards Allowed:  538             Seahawks (and they won)

Punts:                 10              Patriots

Total Punts:        18              Pats-Broncos

3^rd Down Conv:  0-9             49ers

Sacked:               6-40           Eagles

Penalties:            13/81, 49ers;  12/95     Bears, Bucs

aaaaAAAaAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!