GIANTS PULL OUT ALL STOPS TO LOSE TO 49ERS! THE RACE TIGHTENS UP IN THE NFC DOORMAT! BROWNS ROCKET TO LAST PLACE IN ONE GAME!!
DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11
NFC W-L PF PA DIFF
Tampa Bay 2-8 194 279 -85
NY Giants 3-7 205 263 -58
Washington 3-7 204 256 -52
Carolina 3-7-1 215 300 -85
Minnesota 4-6 181 220 -39
AFC
Oakland 0-10 152 265 - 113
Jacksonville 1-9 158 282 -110
NY Jets 2-8 174 265 -91
Tennessee 2-8 168 250 -82
Buffalo 5-5 200 204 -4
GAME OF THE WEEK
RAIDERS 6, CHARGERS 13
18 punts. Was new hall-of-famer Ray Guy there? Was that it? This game was a total Doormat stay-in-the-parking lot game. The Commitment to Excrescence fumbled on the first play from scrimmage, and then the Chargers ran their only play of the game, and scored a touchdown. The game was over at 14:07 of the first quarter.
The Raiders ran 55 plays, but to call them plays might be misleading. The Chargers have defiantly shut down their offense as well, so...this was one of those games where, if you live back east, you tune in and you wonder if everyone is just there for the sunshine. California winter sun, a sort of quiet murmer in the stands, seagulls swirling for hot dog wrappers, the grass looks surrealistically bright green.. and you think-" this can't really be football, right?"
Doormat teams thrive in these environs. 0-10 and, honestly, I can't imagine anybody getting under the bar against the Silver and Blacked Out. Interim coach Tony Sparano holds the key. If they give beleaguered Raider rookie QB Derek Carr's psyche a rest and let burned out Matt Schaub take the wheel, it could go off the rails and the Raider might win a game. Otherwise, these guys go 0-16.
REDSKINS 7, BUCCANEERS 27
In a real honest-to-God battle for the NFC basement, America's #1 Offensive Nickname Team (by popular consensus) loses handily to Tampa Bay with a game plan centered on the sinkhole in the pocket- RGB III gets sacked 6 times, throws 2 interceptions, one for a pick-six, and the backfield fumbles the ball 4 times. The Bucs are in trouble- Josh McCown looks like he's figured out how to be a quarterback and that is ominous portent for any doormat team. Redskins rise to 3-7, a mere scalp-length behind Tampa. Bucs will have steep challenge to lose next week in Chicago. Skins have easier road in Santa Clara (SF)- though by no means a gimme.
GIANTS 10, 49ERS 16
Not so fast, Skinsies. The Giants, hot on the trail at 3-7, losers of 5 straight, turn in a dog pile of a game against a 49er team that wants to lose, but don't have the brains. The Giants are the current Turnover Streak kings, with 26 straight games with a least one turnover. One a game is not very dynamic. Eli Manning steps up with a dizzying display, racking up five INTs, the final one at the goal line with the Gnats poised to take the lead. Last year's INT champ, Manning is suddenly back in the INT Crown race, only 3 behind Blake Bortles (14 to 11). Added bonus viewing: Coach Tom Coughlin got to throw the red challenge flag, which nobody does with more steamed irritation.
I'm not sure why the 49ers win games. The defense is obviously very very good, but the offense is designed by a dog-pile, and Colin Kaepernick seems to be kind of a knucklehead. This game was, just to go for the trifecta, a dog-pile of a game.
PANTHERS 17, FALCONS 19
Who needs the Doormat when we have the NFC South? The Falcons are in FIRST with a 4-6 record!!! Somebody pinch me. The Bucs, at 2-8, are only TWO games off the pace. Think about it, they LEAD the Doormat NFC and can still win their division. The Pansies, as usual, play like Doormat pros- really disorganized until the game is out of reach, and then stage a pointless furious comeback. 3-7-1 and only a game from leading the Doormat OR the NFC South!!
VIKINGS 13, DA BARES 21
The Minnesota Vikings, the official Break Your Losing Streak Here team. They make Jay Cutler look good, and the Yikings avoid the dreaded .500. Yikes can still challenge for the Doormat NFC crown, and next week's home game in what I hope is a white-out blizzard against the buzz-saw Packers should help.
RAMS 22, BRONCOS 7
They did it again. Three stunning upsets- and still just a 4-6 record. The best back-up QB for the last 10 years in the NFL, George Blanda- I mean, Sean Hill, comes in and throws a bomb, the Rams kick five field goals, and the defense once again comes up with a great game plan, locking down Peyton Manning. WOO-HOO! Our Doormat Giant Killer. Yow!
BROWNS 7, TEXANS 23
Frightened by their AFC North division lead, the Browns return to the bad old days and play a stinker at home and fall all the way to last place in one simple game. Take that, fans. A Brownie Bake Sale never smelled so good.
Only 6 weeks to go, Doormat Denizens- hold onto your ear muffs it's gonna be a wild ride to the Moldy Carpet finish.
aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!
