Hey!

Hey where's that admin guy? It's almost Tuesday and the standings are still last week!!

Dude, having a 90 hour a week job is just no excuse.

cheers,

Wackoworld

Statistical Leaders for Weak IX

Wow, the Deadskins really are pretty freakin’ bad, but still couldn't lead in any yardage category, well, they did lead in negative yardage due to penalties: 88.

I forgot this in the Final

Correction- the Bootineers actually got 279 yards of offense

This week’s leaders (it’s not very impressive since the Lambs, Raiders, and Brownies didn’t play):

Fewest points: - Cellar- 17 Floppers and Deadskins (Ravens lowest at 7)

Fewest first downs: 14 Cheaps and Titanics

Lowest total yards: 215 Ravens (hey they aren’t even in the league!) Tampa 279

Most Turnovers: 5 Kittens

WEAK IX FINAL

The Cellar Division Weak IX FINAL




























Cheeps Get a Horse for some blocking, but to no avail.

By doing absolutely nothing, the Lambs regain first place. Now that’s the Sheep Dip, baby!! Brownies also retain first in the AFC by spending the weekend airing out their corns. But watch out for them Cheaps.

Bootineers 38 Packers 28

Tampa Bay Bootineers WIN! Bootineers WIN! The ranks of the unvictorious are ZERO now. No perfect season in the Cellar this year, gentlemen. I guess donning the throwback unis really drove the point home and made a lot of skin crawl, because Tampa explodes for 21 points in the 4^th quarter, trampling the reeling Packers, who better watch themselves or they’ll find themselves in the BASEMENT, sipping right off the spigot of our 4-week tapped keg of Blitz, which I kept in storage for 37 years for just such an occasion. That’s the perfect Football beer, you know, based on name alone. Scoring 38 points with less than 200 yards of offense takes some serious screw-ups by the oppostion.

Also, the Boots fall to third place in the NFC division. Lambs back on top!

Titanics 34 O-&-Niners 27

The only reason my beloved O-&-Niners aren’t back in the Cellar is the Pansies lost again (admittedly to the best team in the league, the Saints), and they have a worse point differential. Another week of this kind of play, and with error prone Alex Smith at the helm anything is possible, and baby they’ll be back.

Titanics get only 14 first downs but score 34. That’s a lot of gift fumbles and interceptions. Honestly, the Titanics are the best bad team in the league, and may just climb right out of the Cellar in the next 4 weeks. They were still good for 8 penalties, most of which were offsides drive-killers. They aren’t out of Bonehead Forest yet.

Ok so much for Winners. Too bad for them. The Kittens, bless their little furry hearts, cough up a game to the Seahags (Seahags avoid entrance into the Cellar by the skin of their beaks) after racing out to a 17-0 lead, with QB Matt Stafford completing 5 passes to Seattle, including the game killing final pick returned for a 61 yard TD in the waning moments of this bleak affair in the land of Twilight. Maybe they should go play baseball in Forks! It couldn’t get any worse.

The Floppers, still flying under the radar in the Cellar, keep on losing despite leading in almost every game they play. Yesterday’s 27-17 stumble-loss to the Pats is no exception. These guys are leading the league in games blown. It’s gotta hurt down there in Miami, even if the humidity and the heat keep your joints happy. And there’s nothing like a happy joint…Ricky Williams must be thinking about that right about now. No Ricky, No! Just go lick a frog instead.

Wow, the Deadskins really are pretty freakin’ bad. 10 penalties for 88 yards. Atlanta came out and chewed them up and it was over by halftime. Nothing else to say here, move along.

And YES! My guys, the Cheaps, win the fewest first downs battle this week, getting only 14 with a time of possession of 23:47. Oh, wait they tied with the Titanics. Oh, well. It’s only because the Brownies didn’t play. Hey they still LOST, though and THAT’S WHAT COUNTS. Cheaps have now lost 475 out of 477 or something like that. I know it’s closing in on more than two seasons with only 2 wins.

AAAAAAnd that's the VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!

Deadskins 3
Atlanta 34

Cheaps, 10
Jacksonville 24

Floppers 28
New England 27

Bootineers 10
Green Bay 45

Pansies 10
New Orleans 34

Kittens 14
Seattle 13

Titanics 9
San Francisco 10

Oracle From the Basement Weak IX

The Oracle Predicts...
Bootineers are headed for Davey Jones' Locker as Packers make Swiss cheese of tthe Tampa defense


Last week was just so-so for the lone voice from the basement. This week, the Oracle goes out on a limb:

Deadskins 20
Atlanta 14

Cheaps, 10
Jacksonville 40

Floppers 28
New England 10

Bootineers 14
Green Bay 36

Pansies 17
New Orleans 24

Kittens 24
Seattle 3

Titanics 10
San Francisco 14

Brownies, Lambs, Raydurz get a rest, but I predict each will commit three turnovers.

OK, gang, weigh in on your predictions!

Lamb Shanks still top of the bottom

At first, I thought it was all over when The Lambs beat The Kittens. I was gutted to watch as The Bootineers strolled into first place besting my muttons by a full game. However on closer inspection, I am optimistic. I had put too much focus on the win/loss column and overlooked the real numbers that still spell dominance by The Sheep. No one has scored less or given up more points than the team collectively known as The Rack of Lamb. And no team has a worse giveaway/takeaway ratio. The Lamb Shanks are clearly in the driver seat for the moldy carpet award this year. I will be watching the rest of the contenders this week as the Yews are idle. But I'll know that I'm riding a winner into the loser's circle so far. We're b-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ack.

Head to Head So Far

I realize, looking at this stat sheet, that the key to winning and losing this Cellar Division lies in the head to head matchups and the remaining schedule. The teams with the least number of Cellar Division foes have the BEST chance of losing the most games, but will have less tie-breakers. Also having the WORST record against Division rivals solidifies your pathetic flaccid place in the pantheon of paltry play.

So far, the Cheeps have gone 1-3 losing to Raydurz, Seahags, and the Lambs. Their only win was against the Deadskins. They have the Brownies and Raydurz to come. The Cheeps and Deadskins have the MOST Cellar games of anybody in the league (6).

Tampa is 0-1 with 3 more on the schedule (Flops, Pansies, Hags)

Lambs are 1-2, with the Hags and Titanics coming up

Kittens are 1-1 with Hags on Sunday and Brownies week 11.

Titanics, Brownies and Flops are all 0-0 in head to heads.

Deadskins are 2-3 with Raiders still to come.

Raydurz are 1-0 (Cheeps) and have 3 to go

Hags are 1-0 (Lambs 28-0) with 3 to go.

Pansies are 2-0 (not gonna get it done that way) with Flops and Hags remaining. Pansies last 4 games are: Pats, Vikes, Saints, NYG- ouch!

Weak IX Kittens-Seahags

Kittens at Seahawks (Seahags) is really a head to head Cellar matchup, because I think the Hags need to be inserted into this league! This is a terrible game. Too bad they don't play them outside in the wretched Seattle weather on a rock hard turf field. They ought to play this game out in Pullman, WA in the dark. Hell, even the WSU Cougars won't play there- they're down in San Antonio, playing Notre Dame (!!) hunting for Texas Cougars for the coaching staff. Maybe playing outside would toughen up these weenie Hags, although it sure hasn't helped the Kittens. Outside or not, the rest of the NFL is going to have a hard time keeping Detroit from the Cellar Crown of Moldy Carpet.

But, if the entire NFC West didn't get to play each other, I don't know where these guys would be except LEADING THE CELLAR. The Cardinals are in first. HA!!

And, check this out, Detroit plays everybody in the NFC West this season. They just lost to the Lambs in the matchup of the worst teams in NFL history (thank you Michael Rosenburg), but still have the remaining 3 to lose to. Sweep the NFC West, and somehow fall to the BROWNIES in Weak XI, they're GOLD.

I'll be back with an update on the Head To Head matchups.....

Worst of the NFL Matchups

Before we move backward, here is a link to a wonderful review of the worst matchup in NFL history, Weak VIII Lambs vs. Lions: http://www.freep.com/article/20091101/COL22/91101039/1319/Comical-loss-to-Rams-was-another-classic-Lions-folly

OK, gang, post your predictions and opinions.

Here are the matchups for Weak IX

Deadskins at Atlanta (Will need at least 3 turnovers to lose)
Cheaps at Jacksonville (Blowout of the week)
Floppers at New England (no .500 this week, Floppers!)
Bootineers at Green Bay (Davey Jones' locker time, Booties)
Pansies at New Orleans (ow, I can't watch)
Kittens at Seattle (Seahawks belong in this division, Kittens are mad)
Titanics at San Francisco (Revitalized Niners could make Titanics 1-8)

Brownies, Lambs, Raydurz get a rest.

Cellar Division Weak VIII FINAL

Break up the Lambs!

Well! The Cellar Division rose up and gave their beleaguered cities a respite from ignominy and shame yesterday.

The Panises won. The Floppers won. The Titanics won. The LAMBS won. That's the most victories in one week yet this year!! In the most anticipated game so far in the Cellar Divison season, the Kittens and the Lambs duked it out in Detroit, with the Lambs pulling it out on a Stephen Jackson 25 yard sprint late in the fourth. With one minute left in the first half, the score was 3-2 Lambs. Gotta love that. First win in more than a YEAR for the Lambs- see you November, 2010 for the next one. The Lambs are still ahead of the Kittens in the loss column, but the Bootineers stumble into first in the NFC Cellar without even having played a game. Now THAT'S perfect.

The Pansies win 34-21 because Cardinals QB Kurt Warner forgot which team he was on and completed five passes to Carolina, and fumbled once. Pansies pick up +6 in the Takeaways column. (They are in danger of exiting the league, with the Seahawks at 2-5). Floppers get only 10 first downs but win on two wild kickoff returns for touchdowns. No hot dog for Jet's Mark Sanchez. The Titanics lose all sense of reason and start Vince Young and look what happens- the end of a perfect season. Damn pushy owners and their didactic bossy ultimatums- we want Kerry Collins! And not to be forgotten, the Raydurz literally stumbled their way to another defeat (at least somebody around here knows how to lose) losing to the Chargers 222-0. Oh, wait that was Cumberland Gap vs. Georgia Tech back in the 20s (that's a real score, by the way). Raydurz pile up 81 yards passing, with Ja-miss-it Russell going down 5 times in sacks, with the last one coming on a 'pick' play which worked perfectly- both receivers ran straight into each other and went down, leaving Russell with the option to eat some grass. The Keystone Cops couldn't have drawn it up any better.

BLOWOUT/LOSER OF THE WEEK: Brownies 6, Bears 30. Now, that's not two field goals- the Browns actually scored a touchdown- but got the kick blocked. Cleveland takes least first down honors for the week with 9. That's getting to be a regular thing with them. They also snag a tie for league lead in turnovers with 5 yesterday. This puts them firmly in FIRST in the AFC Cellar this week, floating up to the surface of Lake Erie, bobbing there, quietly.

Fewest Points: Brownies 6

Fewest First Downs: Brownies 9

Fewest Total Yards: Floppers 104 (and the WON)

Most Turnovers: Brownies 5

The Standings WEAK VIII

NFC

W-L PF- PA TA/GA

Bootineers 0-7 96- 203 -2

Lambs 1-7 77- 221 -7

Kittens 1-6 113-205 -4

Pansies 3-4 128-166 -8

Deadskins 2-5 96- 123 -8

AFC

Brownies 1-7 78- 209 -10

Titanics 1-6 114-211 -8

Cheeps 1-6 105-181 +2

Raydurz 2-6 78- 201 -10

Floppers 3-4 176-177 -6

These guys are worse: Seahawks (2-5), Buffalo (3-5)

aaaaand that's the view from the Basement!