Weak XII Predictions

WackoWorld weighs in with first predictions (with scores) of the year:

Seahags 24 Lambs 3 Lambs are the worst team in the league, unless it's the other guys.

Today, it's the Lambs.

Bootineers 10 Atlanta 34 Boots have fired the offensive AND defensive coordinators. So, now they have no plays. Youngest coach in the league soon to be youngest fired coach.

Brownies 17 Bengals 21 Bengals let anybody stay in a game. And I mean anybody today. So, Brownies get to score some more points (unlike the Kittens who can stop momentum dead in its tracks), but next week will make up for it with a negative score (will be NFL first).

Cheaps 0 Chargers 42 Cheaps come down to earth, hard, after two wins. Chargers on fire.

Deadskins 13 Eagles 12 Oh, I don't know. Why not? Eagles proven they can lost to a Cellar team, and have played five of them. Deadskins on verge of mediocrity.

Nils 6 Floppers 20 Floppers remember their days in the Cellar, and aren't coming back. Nils continue free fall. Watch out Cleveland. Another floater on Lake Erie.

Titanics 17 Cardinals 7 Kurt Warner will woozy his way to a multiple interception day, and the Titanics score at least 1 defensive touchdown.

Worst Team of the Weak prediction: Cheaps.

I can see I've gone way out on a limb, predicting two Cellar victories. I must be getting soft in the head. The Titanics only marginally qualify, though, so I will stand by my picks, until the linemen start coming through unabated.

Time's a Wastin'!! WEAK X PREVIEW

OK, here we go, sports fans! Tonight the O-NIners take one more crack at descent into the cellar, and thanks to TE Vernon Davis they just might. A national TV spotlight combined with Davis' calling out the Bear line as totally inferior just might create a LONG night for Alex (look out, duck! take it!) Smith and the Niners.

But let's get down to the real issues:

Rayduhs- Cheaps: This is extremely hard to call. Cheaps successfully lost at home a month ago, so Rayduhs should blow it at home this week, right? Somehow Tom "Clock 'em" Cable is still coach, probably because Al Davis has slept through the whole thing, waking occasionally to watch old videos of Jim Plunkett throwing the bomb....I'd like to see some of those, to be honest. Anything other than what is getting blacked out this weekend. I'm going with the Rayduhs taking the loss. Cassell is a better QB than Ja-Miss-It.

Titanics- Bills: Bills about to enter the Cellar Honorable Mention list, and this week will solidify their claims. Titanics feeling very good, return home on a roll, and may even get 17 first downs, cutting down their false starts to 43. Titanics roll to a....victory. 3 in a row. Posers.

Deadskins at Broncos: Could be BlOW OUT of the Week, though there's some serious competition there. Broncos very unhappy after the Monday night beat down by Pittsburgh.

Deadskins know what to do- LOSE!! They're terrible.

Bootineers at Floppers: another HEAD TO HEAD match-up! 2 in one week. Yow! Floppers lead the league in blown wins, but Bootineers, disregarding last week's aberration, don't know how to get ahead or come from behind, so Boots stay in the running for the Moldy Carpet.

Man, I'm just wasting my life, here. I love it! By they way, I had a student tell me yesterday they were having an existential crises, realized that everything was a construct, and so couldn't make their lesson.

Why do I bring this up? If I were the Lambs or the Kittens, I'd be digging deep for a really good excuse to not suit up on Sunday- how about "It thought it was a bye week"?

Lambs host the Saints!

Kittens at the Vikings!

DOUBLE BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK!!!!! 'nuff said there.

You know, there's so many bad teams, I lose track of them.

Pansies will get stomped by the Falcons, no problem, and in a scheduling cruelty,

BROWNIES host the Ravens on Monday Night. Ravens coming off a Cellar-worthy bumble but I'm sorry they are no match for the the Kings of the Bonehead Forest. Brownies deliver again to be the first team in the AFC to reach 8 losses, probably the getting the same number of first downs. All under the lights before a national audience of 37 people. But WE'LL be watching.

Gentelmen, make your PREDICTIONS!

Worst of the NFL Matchups

Before we move backward, here is a link to a wonderful review of the worst matchup in NFL history, Weak VIII Lambs vs. Lions: http://www.freep.com/article/20091101/COL22/91101039/1319/Comical-loss-to-Rams-was-another-classic-Lions-folly

OK, gang, post your predictions and opinions.

Here are the matchups for Weak IX

Deadskins at Atlanta (Will need at least 3 turnovers to lose)
Cheaps at Jacksonville (Blowout of the week)
Floppers at New England (no .500 this week, Floppers!)
Bootineers at Green Bay (Davey Jones' locker time, Booties)
Pansies at New Orleans (ow, I can't watch)
Kittens at Seattle (Seahawks belong in this division, Kittens are mad)
Titanics at San Francisco (Revitalized Niners could make Titanics 1-8)

Brownies, Lambs, Raydurz get a rest.

Cellar Division Weak VIII FINAL

Break up the Lambs!

Well! The Cellar Division rose up and gave their beleaguered cities a respite from ignominy and shame yesterday.

The Panises won. The Floppers won. The Titanics won. The LAMBS won. That's the most victories in one week yet this year!! In the most anticipated game so far in the Cellar Divison season, the Kittens and the Lambs duked it out in Detroit, with the Lambs pulling it out on a Stephen Jackson 25 yard sprint late in the fourth. With one minute left in the first half, the score was 3-2 Lambs. Gotta love that. First win in more than a YEAR for the Lambs- see you November, 2010 for the next one. The Lambs are still ahead of the Kittens in the loss column, but the Bootineers stumble into first in the NFC Cellar without even having played a game. Now THAT'S perfect.

The Pansies win 34-21 because Cardinals QB Kurt Warner forgot which team he was on and completed five passes to Carolina, and fumbled once. Pansies pick up +6 in the Takeaways column. (They are in danger of exiting the league, with the Seahawks at 2-5). Floppers get only 10 first downs but win on two wild kickoff returns for touchdowns. No hot dog for Jet's Mark Sanchez. The Titanics lose all sense of reason and start Vince Young and look what happens- the end of a perfect season. Damn pushy owners and their didactic bossy ultimatums- we want Kerry Collins! And not to be forgotten, the Raydurz literally stumbled their way to another defeat (at least somebody around here knows how to lose) losing to the Chargers 222-0. Oh, wait that was Cumberland Gap vs. Georgia Tech back in the 20s (that's a real score, by the way). Raydurz pile up 81 yards passing, with Ja-miss-it Russell going down 5 times in sacks, with the last one coming on a 'pick' play which worked perfectly- both receivers ran straight into each other and went down, leaving Russell with the option to eat some grass. The Keystone Cops couldn't have drawn it up any better.

BLOWOUT/LOSER OF THE WEEK: Brownies 6, Bears 30. Now, that's not two field goals- the Browns actually scored a touchdown- but got the kick blocked. Cleveland takes least first down honors for the week with 9. That's getting to be a regular thing with them. They also snag a tie for league lead in turnovers with 5 yesterday. This puts them firmly in FIRST in the AFC Cellar this week, floating up to the surface of Lake Erie, bobbing there, quietly.

Fewest Points: Brownies 6

Fewest First Downs: Brownies 9

Fewest Total Yards: Floppers 104 (and the WON)

Most Turnovers: Brownies 5

The Standings WEAK VIII

NFC

W-L PF- PA TA/GA

Bootineers 0-7 96- 203 -2

Lambs 1-7 77- 221 -7

Kittens 1-6 113-205 -4

Pansies 3-4 128-166 -8

Deadskins 2-5 96- 123 -8

AFC

Brownies 1-7 78- 209 -10

Titanics 1-6 114-211 -8

Cheeps 1-6 105-181 +2

Raydurz 2-6 78- 201 -10

Floppers 3-4 176-177 -6

These guys are worse: Seahawks (2-5), Buffalo (3-5)

aaaaand that's the view from the Basement!