DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 14 WRAP-UP AND TRIAGE

A CHALLENGE TO FUTILITY

3-10?  3-10!??  With just 3 weeks to go in the run to the Moldy Carpet trophy, the worst our gridiron boobs can offer is a possible 3-13 record. The Raiders and the 49ers both won yesterday, right after the local rag, the SF Chronicle, chronicled how their combined 4-20 record had a shot at being the worst of all time in the Bay Area.  It still does at 6-20, but they have to lose all their remaining games. Should they both win again, horrors, the worst the Doormat Division can get is 4-12, which hasn't happened since 2003, when the Giants, the Cardinals and the Chargers all went 4-12.  Clearly, teams just aren't bad enough this season. Where's the tragedy, the pathos, the misery?

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 14

NFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Santa Clara    3-10       275    350        -75

Arizona         3-10        178    327        -149
Atlanta          4-9        316     367        -51
NY Giants      5-8         307     331       -24

Tampa Bay    5-8         332     383        -51

Detroit          5-8         271     319       -48

AFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland         3-10      244     388      -144
Jacksonville   4-9        212     273      -61

NY Jets          4-9        270     330      -60

Buffalo          4-9        201     320      -119

Cleveland      5-7-1     292     397      -90


FALCONS 20, PACKERS 34
The Failcons just keep on losing, 5 straight now, climbing into a solid 3rd place in the Doormat NFC with a complete game of non-competitiveness. Losing to the Packers takes some effort these days. You can't just waltz out there and get creamed. Falcons 5-game skid started with a loss to the Browns (28-16), the kind of loss that starts losing streaks- losing to what you think is the worst team in football. But guess what?  It's YOU.

Packers win first game under new coach.  Packers will now fire the head coach every week until they lose a game.  Then, they'll fire the GM.

BAGUARS 9, TITANS 30
Doormat Perfection: the Bags scored their first points on a safety (muffed punt by the Titans), took the ensuing punt-off and drove to the Titans 4-yard line, where they killed the motor, and left the pigskin on the 1 for the Titans.  On the next play, Titans RB Derrick Henry galloped 99 yards for a touchdown.

And we're done here.

GIANTS 40, REDSKINS 16
Break up the Giants!  Winners of two straight, the Giants, at 5-8 have a mathematical shot at the playoffs, however difficult that math may be.  The Skinnies, without Alex Smith, have Doormat Finish gleaming on their team bus.  Basement All-Star March Sanchez started at QB for Washbag, and guided the team to:  punt, punt, punt, pick-six, punt, punt, interception (resulted in TD in 3 plays), punt, punt, punt, somebody stop this.

QB Josh Johnson- remember him from Tampa Bay?- came in and ruined the shutout, bagging two TDs in the 4th quarter.  Redskinks (6-7), losers of 4 straight and a clear shot at 10 losses, have to contend with the plummeting Baguars next week.  Be there.

BILLS 23, JETS 27
The Bills and Jets split their season series, keeping a cordial relationship going out on the Basement patio, burning a weenie, dumpster diving in the alley, and sharing the last stale can of Busch Light. Not that the Jets didn't try to lose this one. After their halftime brainstorm (ow!) the Jets deftly fumbled the kickoff, planting the Bills firmly at the Jets 13 yard line. The Bills saw through that, and killed the 'momentum' and escaped with a FG, keeping the Jets within a TD (20-13). The Nyets countered with an interception, but the Bills refused to take the bait, and punted. The Jetskis couldn't stop the downhill effect, and scored a TD, but promptly got the Bills downfield, only to be thwarted when the Bills shanked a field goal attempt. 20-20.  One more Jets 3-and-out produced a grinder drive for the Bills and they got a 3-point boot hung on their necks. 23-20, Bills.  With the game clock dwindling down,the Jets then got guided masterfully down the field, with the golden play the 37-yard bomb by Jets QB Sam Darnold (darn old what?) to the Bills 4.  Bills burn a time out contesting the completion. It takes 4 tries, but the Bills get the Jets into the end zone ozone. Bills finish up with long bomb interception by Josh Allen.  Jet and Bills tied at 4-9 and still have a shot at winning the Moldy Carpet.

49ers 20, BRONCOS 14
I don't know...Broncos coach Vance Joseph just looks unhappy. Like he has no friends. He needs to work on his grouchy look. Just doesn't look 'coacherly'.

The Greg Kittle Show, brought to you buy a clueless defensive strategy and execution by the Bronco defense, came up 4 yards short of the all-time record for a TE receiving yards. ALL IN THE FIRST HALF. 49ers botch getting Kittle just one more 5 yard reception.

Broncos off-sides specialist Von Miller stacked up THREE of them yesterday. Not to worry, the 49ers tackles practiced for it all week, complete with the 'whoa there' effect after the refs blow the whistle.

For 3-10, the Whiners looked like a defensive brick wall yesterday. With top Bronco receiver Emmanuel Sanders sidelined, the Whinos played man-to-man tight D, bumping the young Bronco receivers at the line of scrimmage on every play. It worked and nobody gets fired this week.

RAIDERS 24, STEELERS 21
Holy Crap, the Raiders won a game. Pittsburgh QB Ben Rothlisberger had to leave the game with an owie, and that tilted the whole field.  Ben's pretty hefty. Great game that brought back some memories of the incredible rivalry these two teams have had over the years.

CARDINALS 3, LIONS 17
STIFF OF THE WEEK: If they'd just lost at least one game to the 49ers, the Cards would be a shoo-in for the Moldy Carpet trophy.  As it is, they still look promising. Tied at 3-10 now with the Whiners, the Cards brought home the misery yesterday with a meagre field goal and a pick-six that decided the whole thing. Lions got a TD chipped in in the 4th quarter to round out the 'scoring.' Lions at 5-8 and teetering on respectability. They go to Buffalo next week, so watch out. Cards should lose all three remaining games: Falcons (no gimme), Rams and Seahags.

BROWNS 26, PANTHERS 20
Pretty soon, we won't have to write about the Brownies anymore.  Winning yet again with some late heroics, the Blanks have thrown more footballs into the stands after a touchdown than any other team this season.  Guys, I know it's new to you, but it really is a regular part of football.

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

NFL WEEK 14 WRAP-UP and PUNT INTO THE BLACK HOLE!!!

RRRRADIERS!  WHINERS!  JAGS AND TITANICS MOVE INTO 1ST!  VIKINGS TEETER ON RESPECTABILITY!  BROWNS SET TO RETURN TO BASEMENT!  NFC SOUTH CONTINUES MARCH TOWARDS...US!

Basement Duty

Sorry to be getting this out late, folks, but it took a looooong time to get out of the Black Hole and across the Raider parking lot yesterday after the game.  It was all serenity and love and...a lot of something else which we are nursing with the strongest coffee our outdoor grill can brew.  The basement is really really heating up, and that's not just because we finally got the other 1951 GE heater to stop shorting out.  Now that the beer-soaked carpet is a little less ooze-y, we can get down to business on the Commodore 64, and man did the Doormat Division have a great weekend.

RAIDERS 24,  SANTA CLARA 13
If you didn't see this, and you sure should have, the score is more like 41-3. The Battle of the Bay was all Raiders yesterday. Shedding their Doormat Division leading status, and instead coming out like the team that has a plan, the RRRRRaiders shellack the 49ers in the kind of humiliating beat-down only a team with Doormat aspirations can absorb.  The 49ers came out with guns blazing- QB Colin Kaepernick throws a strike to Raider DB Brandian Ross on the first play, and but for a brief feint at trying, after their only touchdown, Kaep dished up an array of over-thrown rockets and bullets into the dirt wrapped around a frantic performance in the pocket that looked for all the world like he's getting his play calls off his tattoos instead of the wrist wrap thing that for some bone head reason he still has to wear to know what's going on.   The Raider defense was flying around with brains in their helmets, unlike last week.

If there was any doubt about the 49er intentions yesterday, coach Harbaugh dispelled them by coming charging out of the tunnel with his team and....immediately running over to Raider Owner Mark Davis for a quick chat.  "Say, when do you want to talk contract for next season?"   I have never seen that.  Ever.

The Raider offensive line had no answer for the completely ineffective 49er D-line (hey, stop pushing!), and was forced to give QB Derek Carr enough time to age wine in the backfield. Once he popped the cork in the second quarter, Carr shredded the depleted bumbling 49er linebackers for solid gains the rest of the day.  The RRRaiders scored on consecutive possessions for the first time all season.  Carr looked- GREAT.  Really. Honest. Great job, Niners! Watching 300lb + tackle Donald Penn catch a TD pass and get a beer bath in the Black Hole was priceless...although I did pay for my ticket.

Seasoned Doormat readers know that if you give a Doormat extra time to prepare for a game, they'll really really blow it.  The Niners had 11 days to mangle whatever game plan they had, ignoring their running, scrambling and whatever else is left of their falling-on-deaf-ears coaching to deliver a must-lose stink bomb.  With the three games to go, against three teams they should get plastered by  (Seahawks, Chargers, Cardinals), the Whiners can wrap it all up at 7-9 and at least have Patio status here in the Basement.  What a season!  They've scored less TDs than the Raiders (23-24)!

The Raiders fall out of first and plummet to third, but only based on tie-breaker.  So, marvelous as the win was yesterday, they still have a solid chance of taking the Moldy Carpet.  After their last win, they brought in a 52-0 bomb, so, you know?

Here's this week's standings, and then let's run over the rest of the games with the snow plow-

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 13
 

NFC               W-L              PF       PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-11              237      348      -111

Washington     3-10              244      346      -102 

NY Giants        4-9               293      326      -33

Carolina          4-8-1            269     341       -72

New Orleans    5-8               333      359      -26

AFC             

Jacksonville     2-11            199      356      -157

Tennessee        2-11            220      374      -154

Oakland           2-11            200      350      -150           

NY Jets            2-11            214      349      -135

Cleveland*        7-6

*membership granted due to length of service and probable rest of season.

It's really pretty amazing that just 4 teams are handling all the losses for the entire AFC this year.

JAGUARS 13, TEXANS 27
The Gags play classic standard Doormat ball, scraping out a meager first-half lead (13-10), and then shut themselves out in the 2nd half.  Done and Done!   Jags are back in first the Doormat AFC.

TITANICS 7, GIANTS 36
The Titanics moved into a tie for first with the Jags and Raiders, and looked formidable doing it.  Going against the most implosive team in the NFL, the Titanics shrug off the Giants and their 7-game losing streak, and make it to 7 straight losses themselves. They staked the Giants to a 30-0 lead before Eli Manning did his usual pick-six or fumble/TD act, and the Titanics had to walk one in for a score.

JETS 24, VIKINGS 30 (OT)
It didn't come easy, but the Jets still pulled out the loss.  Former Viking WR receiver Percy Harvin nearly messed it all up, playing like the all-star he once was, but he exited with a sprained ankle in the 4th quarter and game momentum changed.  Despite Harvin's antics, the Jets kept it to one TD and FIVE Nick Folk field goals, keeping the loss attainable with just one dumb play, and once they got to overtime, they got it- a Vikes 89-yard TD pass for the win.  Vikings are a Parity team, now, hard to believe- but the Jets are tied for first in the logjam in the Doormat AFC.

BUCS 17, LIONS 34
It was close at halftime (17-10 Lions) but it was Doormat close. Bucs eat the post-game spread at the  half and come out like a team running in sand- Kat Box sand- for 26 total rushing yards.  Which is why the Kat Box is becoming a home-field advantage for the Kittens.  Bucs maintain one-game lead in Doormat NFC.

WASHINGTON 0, RAMS 24
Two shut-outs in row now for the Rams.  These guys better finish up with a winning record, because I'm not even allowing them on the Patio, even if they finish 7-9.  Much more deserving teams for that honor.  Deadskins QBs Colt McCoy and RGB III keep movin' on backward with seven sacks for an impressive -53 yards.  Toss in 3 turnovers and you will not lose to this team.  Forget it.  The Sunburns maintain pressure on Bucs for first in Doormat NFC.  They can still take the Moldy Carpet.  The mold is growing just for them.

BROWNS 24, COLTS 25
And the Johnny Timebomb era begins in Cleveland.  Browns almost win game, despite not scoring offensive touchdown.  And with Colts QB Andrew Luck doing his usual charity drives in the first half (two TDs for Brownie defense), the Blank Helmets were threatened with victory.  But, Brownie QB Bryan Hoyer has the footwork of a middling high-school QB, which he had on full display yesterday,  though I think Cleveland fans do a lot of avoidance therapy when the Browns have the ball. Did I just get a text?  Hoyer has danced himself to the bench.

SAINTS 10, PANTHERS 41
Just when you think someone is going to win 6 games in the NFC South, they throw you a curveball.  If Atlanta can lose tonight in Green Bay, just about a 100% chance,  there will be three games to play with only the faintest of faint glimmers that any of these teams can finish 8-8.  We're sticking to the 6-10 and they make it to the Super Bowl.  6-9-1 can even do it.  Absolutely pummeling the hapless Saints  in a physical mauling that has not been expected from the Pansies all year, Cam Newton and company pull the NFC South down one more notch and closer to glory.  I can't believe the determination and guts this division is showing to blow up the Super Bowl this season.

Something's GOTTA GIVE next week, folks- who can give the most?

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!

WEEK 14 PREVIEW: The DYSFUNCTION BOWL in OAKLAND!!

The PREVIEW NFL DOORMAT WEEK 14

You Gotta Fight, For Your Right, to Be the 

WORST TEAM IN THE BAY AREA

49ers at RAIDERS

They're calling it the Dysfunction Bowl in the Bay Area, though really the Niners' dysfunction isn't really nearly as impressive- it's just more high profile. The fact that beat writers are comparing the two teams as equals in this regard is really kind of insulting to all the careful long-term planning the Raiders have put into their current stature. This could play into the Raider's gameplan- as in being worse than last week.  This isn't really possible, but we all have our fantasies.  This game will be the most fun that an ugly game can be. People are dreading this game around here, because of the Doormat potential. I'm almost drooling for this game to start. Niners may just leave Coach Harbaugh at the foot of Mt. Davis, as the scuttlebutt is he's gonna be the coach there next year, anyway.  It would be a spectacular stink bomb if the Raiders can pull out a victory (I won't say upset) but I have no idea how they would do that.  It's up the Niners, isn't it?

EDGE to LOSE:  RAIDERS

TONIGHT:

DALLAS at CHICAGO

Looks like a quagmire for the Cows, what with the demoralizing loss at home to Philly last week.  Bears have only beat teams that beat themselves (including the Niners).  Can the Cows beat themselves?  Can Bear QB Jay Cutler continue to just wreck a drive and look permanently stoned?  I think the Cows are ready.  

EDGE to LOSE:  COWBOYS

SUNDAY:

COLTS at BROWNS

Yeah, the Brownies may be 7-5, but, until they get to win #9, they really aren't out of the Basement.

Right?  You know it.  They're just barely stayin' afloat.  And you KNOW this game is Brian Hoyer's last chance before Johnny Touchdown gets to start screwing up right ON THE FIELD. The Colts last three victories were:  Giants, Jags, Skins.  Can you really call it a victory when your opponent is trying to win the Moldy Carpet? No. It's going to be a wild one.

EDGE to LOSE:  COLTS

GIANTS at TITANS

With a pairing of these nicknames, it's GOTTA BE HUGE.  It really boils down to who can throw the best game killing interception deep in the red zone late in the game, or turn the ball over deep in their own territory....Hey that's the same team!

EDGE to LOSE:  GIANTS

PANTHERS at SAINTS

The Saints have decided they would rather finish 6-10 and go all the way to the Super Bowl (which will be cancelled) than relax on our couch and eat cold pizza with us.  That's OK by us, we're behind their plan all the way. The Pansies had the week off 2 weeks ago, but played like it was bye last week vs. the Vikes.  A true Doormat treats a bye like the season ended.  I think that's what the Pansies have done, started redecorated the rumpus room in the Basement.  

EDGE to LOSE:  PANTHERS

RAMS at WASHINGTON

For the last 7 games the Rams have been alternating wins and losses.  They won last week.  But the Skinheads are in full implosion.  Are the Rams licking their chops at blowing out another hapless bunch of disorganized boobs?  Or will they waltz into D.C. thinking this one's in the bag?  Rams have coach who comes up with actual working game plans (not the Doormat way).  I'm going to go way out on a tomahawk and declare the Rambos will win two games in a row.  I'm hyperventilating.

EDGE to LOSE:  SKINS

JETS at VIKINGS

Good God, the Vikings just can't catch a break!  How many even worse Doormat teams are there that they play?  Who came up with this schedule?  It's hopeless.  Another couple victories and it's off to Parity Purgatory. 

EDGE to LOSE:  JETS

BUCS at LIONS

Anytime you play at the Kat Box it's no gimme, but the Plankwalkers are ready to lose big after losing small last week.

EDGE to GET BLOWN OUT:  BUCS

ASTROS at JAGUARS

I mean, the Texans.  Jaguars won last week.  And that was against Eli Manning's brilliant red zone blowups. Texan QB Ryan Fitzpatrick had a great game last week, so he should be exhausted and imprecise this time.  Still, the Jags....they have no idea how to win 2 in a row.  

EDGE to LOSE:  Jags

MONDAY:  

FALCONS at PACKERS

A night game, in December, in Green Bay.  Great.  Falcons had huge victory last week and beat a team with a winning record for the first time all year.  They're going to get trounced.  Packers played the Super Bowl last week, as you know. So, they'll be less than sharp.  They going to trounce the Falcons.

EDGE to LOSE:  FALCONS

sit back, relax...or go race go karts!

-wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 12: BARONS OF THE BASEMENT

JAGS MAKE THE "10 CLUB", TAKE OVER AFC DOORMAT LEAD!  FALCONS FLYING SO LOW IT'S UNDERGROUND! COME-FROM-AHEAD LOSSES FOR EVERYBODY!  RAIDERS ONLY DOORMAT TEAM TO WIN!

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION 
 

NFC               W-L              PF       PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay     2-9                207       300      -93 

NY Giants       3-8                233     294       -61

Washington     3-8                217      273      -56   

Carolina          3-7-1             215     300       -85

Minnesota       4-7                202      244      -42

Atlanta            4-7                262     281       -19

AFC                              

Jacksonville    1-10               161      305      -144

Oakland          1-10              176      285      - 109

NY Jets            2-8                174      265      -91

Tennessee        2-9                192      293      -101

Houston          5-6                 242     226       +16

QUICK HIT:  With their improbable (but predicted by nearly everyone) victory last Thursday over the Kansas City Chiefs, the Oakland Raiders have lost out on the quest for a perfect season. The Detroit Lions remain the only team to go 0-16, and the Tampa Bay Bucs still the only team to lose 26 straight games.  The Raiders did go 0-16, though it was over the course of 2 seasons.  It had been just slightly over a year since the Silver and Blacked Out won a game.  We here in the Basement watched the whole game, and nobody cheered louder for the beleaguered Raider franchise.  Hurrah for the Bumbling Barons of the Basement!

TONIGHT's NFC SOUTH CRITICAL ENCOUNTER:  Tonight the New Orleans Saints go for 4 straight losses at home (vs. Baltimore), and a share of the NFC South lead at the same time (with Atlanta at 4-7).  If they reach the lofty 4-7, that leaves 5 games to go, and would have to win ALL FIVE to finish with a winning record. If the Saints can blow it at home, the odds of the entire division having losing records are very very good.  The NFC Worst did it with Seattle and St. Louis 'winning' the division at 7-9 in 2010.  This year's crop in the South could easily beat that at 6-8.  History in the making, fans!

THE GAMES

JAGS 3, COLTS 23

Gaguars hold it to 11 first downs, loft 7 punts, INT leader Blake Bortles tosses an interception, and the defense wears down in the second half like it does every game, since the offense does nothing. It's an effective strategy, and the Gags are rewarded with FIRST PLACE in the Doormat AFC, unbelievably edging past the Silver and Blacked Out by the tie-breaker: point differential.  In all their illustrious years in the Basement, the Jags have never won the Doormat, and have never started a season 1-10.  Things are looking up.  Down.  Direction is irrelevant once you get comfortable in the naugahyde recliner in the Basement.  Huge challenge next week against the New York Giants at home.  HUGE. 

JETS vs. BILLS in DETROIT

Setting up Doormat special at the Kat Box is really fitting, don't you think?  Tickets are free! 

After yesterday's Puss-and-Boot-it exhibition in New England, any football game that isn't the Lions may be just the thing.  Jets need to lose to keep Raiders and Gags on the radar.

TITANS 24, EAGLES 43

The Titanics started taking on water on the kickoff- a 107-yard runback for an Eagles TD.  Pow! They never looked back. The Titanics may be down to their 4th-string QB with Mettenberger, but the dude throws for 345 yards and piles up 46 yards in sacks, throws an INT, and still only gets 16 first downs.  He's doing it all!  

Titanics still a healthy 2-9 and hot on the Raiders and Jags tails.

FALCONS 24, BROWNS 26

The Falcons had won two in a row. Not a chance they can intended to keep that up. Not when they are at home and can deflate an entire stadium.  Despite 3 interceptions from Cleveland's Brian Hoyer, it wasn't enough, as the Falcons blow another late lead and get the Browns set up for the game winning field goal as time expired.  Failcons are still only 2 games out of first in the Doormat, and only a 1/2 game out of first in the NFC South.  Living the hi-lo life!  

GIANTS 28, COWBOYS 31

Giants outplay Cowboys, turn in most amazing catch of the season (Beckham's snag of Manning bomb for TD wow), and still lose, giving up the lead with just 1 minute to go.  Whew that was close.  Gnats only 1 game out of first in the Doormat NFC. 

NATIVES 13, 49ers 17

The Santa Clara 49ers keep looking for somebody to lose to, and just can't hook up.  A team that could easily be 4-7 instead of 7-4, the Niners will just have to wait for their defense to catch up in ineffectiveness.  Perhaps next year.  The Deadskins roll on to 3-8 and look like they'll never win another game.  49ers forced to play meaningful game on Thanksgiving vs. the Seahawks.  The indignity.  

VIKINGS 21 PACKERS 24

Scary-close game, Yikings nearly pull out victory, but craftily pass on last-minute on-side kick, even though they were kicking off from the 50-yard line (Packer Penalty on two-Point Pass).  Packers hand off to Eddie Lacy, run out clock and Yikings yank the chance at victory out of their mitts and hand it to the Pack.  Well done and may the roasting of coach Zimmer in Minnesota be set to "char."

BUCCANEERS 13, DA BARES 21

Up against a real test, the Bootineers are shoved into the lead at halftime by Da Bares, 10-0.  How do you lose to a team that gets 12 first downs, punts 9 times, and amasses a whopping 204 yards of offense?  You hand them the ball inside your own 20 multiple times, of course.  2 of the 3 comeback TD drives in the 3rd quarter for Da Bares were 1 play drives, which the Bears, always toying with Doormat excellence, could not overcome. They scored. The Boots add in fumbling the ball after a reception for what would have been 1st and goal and you can nail down the loss without any qualms of conscience.  Nobody can say you didn't do your best. 

LAMBS 24, CHARGERS 27

These two flailing fountains of failure hooked up for 6 turnovers, 17 penalties, two defensive TDs and probably a hilariously entertaining kind of game Doormats should deliver.  Blame it on the shape of the ball. Lambs, as usual, return to losing after one of their giant-killer games.  

Only 5 weeks to go, now, folks!  It's anybody's cellar to claim!

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!

Weak XII Predictions

WackoWorld weighs in with first predictions (with scores) of the year:

Seahags 24 Lambs 3 Lambs are the worst team in the league, unless it's the other guys.

Today, it's the Lambs.

Bootineers 10 Atlanta 34 Boots have fired the offensive AND defensive coordinators. So, now they have no plays. Youngest coach in the league soon to be youngest fired coach.

Brownies 17 Bengals 21 Bengals let anybody stay in a game. And I mean anybody today. So, Brownies get to score some more points (unlike the Kittens who can stop momentum dead in its tracks), but next week will make up for it with a negative score (will be NFL first).

Cheaps 0 Chargers 42 Cheaps come down to earth, hard, after two wins. Chargers on fire.

Deadskins 13 Eagles 12 Oh, I don't know. Why not? Eagles proven they can lost to a Cellar team, and have played five of them. Deadskins on verge of mediocrity.

Nils 6 Floppers 20 Floppers remember their days in the Cellar, and aren't coming back. Nils continue free fall. Watch out Cleveland. Another floater on Lake Erie.

Titanics 17 Cardinals 7 Kurt Warner will woozy his way to a multiple interception day, and the Titanics score at least 1 defensive touchdown.

Worst Team of the Weak prediction: Cheaps.

I can see I've gone way out on a limb, predicting two Cellar victories. I must be getting soft in the head. The Titanics only marginally qualify, though, so I will stand by my picks, until the linemen start coming through unabated.

Time's a Wastin'!! WEAK X PREVIEW

OK, here we go, sports fans! Tonight the O-NIners take one more crack at descent into the cellar, and thanks to TE Vernon Davis they just might. A national TV spotlight combined with Davis' calling out the Bear line as totally inferior just might create a LONG night for Alex (look out, duck! take it!) Smith and the Niners.

But let's get down to the real issues:

Rayduhs- Cheaps: This is extremely hard to call. Cheaps successfully lost at home a month ago, so Rayduhs should blow it at home this week, right? Somehow Tom "Clock 'em" Cable is still coach, probably because Al Davis has slept through the whole thing, waking occasionally to watch old videos of Jim Plunkett throwing the bomb....I'd like to see some of those, to be honest. Anything other than what is getting blacked out this weekend. I'm going with the Rayduhs taking the loss. Cassell is a better QB than Ja-Miss-It.

Titanics- Bills: Bills about to enter the Cellar Honorable Mention list, and this week will solidify their claims. Titanics feeling very good, return home on a roll, and may even get 17 first downs, cutting down their false starts to 43. Titanics roll to a....victory. 3 in a row. Posers.

Deadskins at Broncos: Could be BlOW OUT of the Week, though there's some serious competition there. Broncos very unhappy after the Monday night beat down by Pittsburgh.

Deadskins know what to do- LOSE!! They're terrible.

Bootineers at Floppers: another HEAD TO HEAD match-up! 2 in one week. Yow! Floppers lead the league in blown wins, but Bootineers, disregarding last week's aberration, don't know how to get ahead or come from behind, so Boots stay in the running for the Moldy Carpet.

Man, I'm just wasting my life, here. I love it! By they way, I had a student tell me yesterday they were having an existential crises, realized that everything was a construct, and so couldn't make their lesson.

Why do I bring this up? If I were the Lambs or the Kittens, I'd be digging deep for a really good excuse to not suit up on Sunday- how about "It thought it was a bye week"?

Lambs host the Saints!

Kittens at the Vikings!

DOUBLE BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK!!!!! 'nuff said there.

You know, there's so many bad teams, I lose track of them.

Pansies will get stomped by the Falcons, no problem, and in a scheduling cruelty,

BROWNIES host the Ravens on Monday Night. Ravens coming off a Cellar-worthy bumble but I'm sorry they are no match for the the Kings of the Bonehead Forest. Brownies deliver again to be the first team in the AFC to reach 8 losses, probably the getting the same number of first downs. All under the lights before a national audience of 37 people. But WE'LL be watching.

Gentelmen, make your PREDICTIONS!

Worst of the NFL Matchups

Before we move backward, here is a link to a wonderful review of the worst matchup in NFL history, Weak VIII Lambs vs. Lions: http://www.freep.com/article/20091101/COL22/91101039/1319/Comical-loss-to-Rams-was-another-classic-Lions-folly

OK, gang, post your predictions and opinions.

Here are the matchups for Weak IX

Deadskins at Atlanta (Will need at least 3 turnovers to lose)
Cheaps at Jacksonville (Blowout of the week)
Floppers at New England (no .500 this week, Floppers!)
Bootineers at Green Bay (Davey Jones' locker time, Booties)
Pansies at New Orleans (ow, I can't watch)
Kittens at Seattle (Seahawks belong in this division, Kittens are mad)
Titanics at San Francisco (Revitalized Niners could make Titanics 1-8)

Brownies, Lambs, Raydurz get a rest.

Cellar Division Weak VIII FINAL

Break up the Lambs!

Well! The Cellar Division rose up and gave their beleaguered cities a respite from ignominy and shame yesterday.

The Panises won. The Floppers won. The Titanics won. The LAMBS won. That's the most victories in one week yet this year!! In the most anticipated game so far in the Cellar Divison season, the Kittens and the Lambs duked it out in Detroit, with the Lambs pulling it out on a Stephen Jackson 25 yard sprint late in the fourth. With one minute left in the first half, the score was 3-2 Lambs. Gotta love that. First win in more than a YEAR for the Lambs- see you November, 2010 for the next one. The Lambs are still ahead of the Kittens in the loss column, but the Bootineers stumble into first in the NFC Cellar without even having played a game. Now THAT'S perfect.

The Pansies win 34-21 because Cardinals QB Kurt Warner forgot which team he was on and completed five passes to Carolina, and fumbled once. Pansies pick up +6 in the Takeaways column. (They are in danger of exiting the league, with the Seahawks at 2-5). Floppers get only 10 first downs but win on two wild kickoff returns for touchdowns. No hot dog for Jet's Mark Sanchez. The Titanics lose all sense of reason and start Vince Young and look what happens- the end of a perfect season. Damn pushy owners and their didactic bossy ultimatums- we want Kerry Collins! And not to be forgotten, the Raydurz literally stumbled their way to another defeat (at least somebody around here knows how to lose) losing to the Chargers 222-0. Oh, wait that was Cumberland Gap vs. Georgia Tech back in the 20s (that's a real score, by the way). Raydurz pile up 81 yards passing, with Ja-miss-it Russell going down 5 times in sacks, with the last one coming on a 'pick' play which worked perfectly- both receivers ran straight into each other and went down, leaving Russell with the option to eat some grass. The Keystone Cops couldn't have drawn it up any better.

BLOWOUT/LOSER OF THE WEEK: Brownies 6, Bears 30. Now, that's not two field goals- the Browns actually scored a touchdown- but got the kick blocked. Cleveland takes least first down honors for the week with 9. That's getting to be a regular thing with them. They also snag a tie for league lead in turnovers with 5 yesterday. This puts them firmly in FIRST in the AFC Cellar this week, floating up to the surface of Lake Erie, bobbing there, quietly.

Fewest Points: Brownies 6

Fewest First Downs: Brownies 9

Fewest Total Yards: Floppers 104 (and the WON)

Most Turnovers: Brownies 5

The Standings WEAK VIII

NFC

W-L PF- PA TA/GA

Bootineers 0-7 96- 203 -2

Lambs 1-7 77- 221 -7

Kittens 1-6 113-205 -4

Pansies 3-4 128-166 -8

Deadskins 2-5 96- 123 -8

AFC

Brownies 1-7 78- 209 -10

Titanics 1-6 114-211 -8

Cheeps 1-6 105-181 +2

Raydurz 2-6 78- 201 -10

Floppers 3-4 176-177 -6

These guys are worse: Seahawks (2-5), Buffalo (3-5)

aaaaand that's the view from the Basement!