NFL WEEK 17 FINAL: DOORMAT CHAMPIONS!!!

2014 DOORMAT CHAMPIONS!

What a finish yesterday, Doormat fans.  We've got a straight-up tie for the MOLDY CARPET trophy, and looks like we're going to need a DOORMAT BOWL to decide the winner.  If we use our own system of tiebreakers, I guess the Titanics take it with the greater point differential, but I say we send these two teams to another far-flung hinterland to duke it out themselves!

The Tennessee Titanics wrapped up their season yesterday with a no-doubter from kick-off to the last ticks of the clock, while the Tampa Bay Buccaneers saw dangerously built a sizable half time lead, but came through all the same in the end to notch their 14th loss.  Hats off to Bucs coach Lovie Smith and Titanic coach Ken "Whizz" Whisenhunt for presiding over such masterful work.  No parity for THESE guys.  

AFC

TENNESSEE TITANICS (2-14)

NFC

TAMPA BAY BOOTINEERS (2-14)

DOORMAT DIVISION FINAL STANDINGS WEEK 17

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 16
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF

x-Tampa Bay    2-14             277      410     -133

Washington      4-12              301      438     -137

Chicago            5-11             319      442     -123

NY Giants        6-10             380      400      -20

Atlanta             6-10              381      417      -36

St Louis            6-10             324      354      -30

AFC             

x-Tennessee     2-14            254       438     -184 

Oakland           3-13            253       452     -199 

Jacksonville     3-13            249       412     -163    

NY Jets            4-12            283       401     -118

Cleveland         7-9              2299     337     -38

Game of the Week:

BUCS 20,  SAINTS 23

I have to assume that the ghost of deceased Bucs owner Malcom Glazer, complete with football helmets linked together in a chain, appeared before the Boots during half-time in the locker room and set them straight on what the point of football present was- to lose the game so that football future would mean the #1 pick in the 2015 NFL draft.  Changed men- or at least reverting to form- the Bucs come out after halftime and cease scoring while guiding the Saints to 16 fourth-quarter points, nailing down the loss.  They threw in a gratuitous safety with a minute to go to put a little frosting on the season.  What a performance.  

CRUCIAL GAMES:

TITANS 10, COLTS 27

The Titans had to lose to win the Doormat AFC outright and have a shot at the Moldy Carpet.  It was no problem- QB Charlie Whitehurst goes 12-18 for 79 yards (50 net), the Sinkers get 9 first downs, they fumble 4 times, and just boy howdy do they know how to lose a game, and lose it quickly.  

GIANTS 26, EAGLES 34

It was close for a while, they racked up 505 yards of offense...but they still lost!  The Giants make it to 10 losses in style, and are in the 10 Club for 2014.  

RAMS 6, THE ANNOYING SEAHAWKS 20

Another great halftime nap takes a 6-0 lead and flips it to 20-6, and the Lambs just make TEN big big losses on the season. Never ever count out the St. Louis Lambs in their quest to stay in the basement.

There is something special, also, about having your last 'scoring' play be a 49-yard pick-six for the opposition.  Savor it.

ATLANTA 3,  CAROLINA 34

 Speaking of special, how about coming into a game and having a shot at either winning your division and hosting a playoff game at 7-9, or finishing up your year with 10 losses and a winter of cheap beer and moldy carpeting in the Basement?  The Falcons had that shot, and they came roaring out of the gate with some of the finest Doormat play money can sign underperforming free agents for!  TWO pick-sixes, TWO.  It was 24-3 by halftime and the season was already over!  Failcons TOPPED the Lambs with their final pick-six- they pulled it off on the last play of the game.  Just WOW.  

This, by the by, sets up the Panthers as the Doormat entry into the playoffs at 7-8-1, and they host the Arizona Cardinals, a team that can't get out of its own way right now.  By God, the Panthers are going to win next week and advance to the 2nd round.  

CLEVELAND 10, BROWNS 20

It looked dicey for a minute there, with a third string QB in there and the Ravens playing like garbage men dancing the Nutcracker. But the Blank Helmets did it- they lost one more time, finishing 7-9 to end a season that saw them in first place at one point, and now dead last in the AFC North. 

RAIDERS 14, BRONCOS 47

The Raiders come within ONE point of having a -200 point differential, an almost un-heard of total even for Doormat teams.  So very very close.  Punter Marquette King clobbers 9 punts, and finishes the year with 109, only 5 shy of the all-time record, held by Punts McFooten of the Chicago Staleys in 1935.  Ok I made that up.

BEARS 9,  VIKINGS 13

They almost froze to death.  It took ONE touchdown to win this game, and the Bears handed it to the Vikes on a bomb from QB Terry Bridgewater for the Yikings.  The Yikes can't cash in and make it to 10 losses on the season.  Better luck next year, team!

FIRED:  Trestman, Ryan, Smith

Roll those head coaching heads!  Chicago sacks Marc Trestman,  the Jets fire Rex Ryan (and general manager John Idzik), and the Falcons ax Mike Smith.   Idzik is possibly the biggest boob of the bunch.

THE 10 CLUB

The 10 CLUB membership requires at least 10 losses on the season. 

The Browns miss the 10 club, ending their streak of 6 straight years.  

Buffalo also missed out (5 straight years) so here we go:

JACKSONVILLE   3-13   (four years in a row)

TAMPA BAY  2-14   (2 years in a row)

WASHINGTON  4-12 (2 years)

OAKLAND  3-13  (2 years)

ATLANTA  6-10  (2 years)

NY Jets  4-12

TENNESSEE 2-14  

NY GIANTS 6-10

ST. LOUIS  6-10

CHICAGO  5-11

OKAY I hear TEN teams knocking on the sliding door of the patio,  with their new membership cards in hand, I gotta stop typing and let them in, and tell them the rules for the Basement.  It's been another great ride this season, folks, I hope you enjoyed it.  We'll be back with some awards for the season later this week.

CHEERS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR from 

 THE BASEMENT!!

Time's a Wastin'!! WEAK X PREVIEW

OK, here we go, sports fans! Tonight the O-NIners take one more crack at descent into the cellar, and thanks to TE Vernon Davis they just might. A national TV spotlight combined with Davis' calling out the Bear line as totally inferior just might create a LONG night for Alex (look out, duck! take it!) Smith and the Niners.

But let's get down to the real issues:

Rayduhs- Cheaps: This is extremely hard to call. Cheaps successfully lost at home a month ago, so Rayduhs should blow it at home this week, right? Somehow Tom "Clock 'em" Cable is still coach, probably because Al Davis has slept through the whole thing, waking occasionally to watch old videos of Jim Plunkett throwing the bomb....I'd like to see some of those, to be honest. Anything other than what is getting blacked out this weekend. I'm going with the Rayduhs taking the loss. Cassell is a better QB than Ja-Miss-It.

Titanics- Bills: Bills about to enter the Cellar Honorable Mention list, and this week will solidify their claims. Titanics feeling very good, return home on a roll, and may even get 17 first downs, cutting down their false starts to 43. Titanics roll to a....victory. 3 in a row. Posers.

Deadskins at Broncos: Could be BlOW OUT of the Week, though there's some serious competition there. Broncos very unhappy after the Monday night beat down by Pittsburgh.

Deadskins know what to do- LOSE!! They're terrible.

Bootineers at Floppers: another HEAD TO HEAD match-up! 2 in one week. Yow! Floppers lead the league in blown wins, but Bootineers, disregarding last week's aberration, don't know how to get ahead or come from behind, so Boots stay in the running for the Moldy Carpet.

Man, I'm just wasting my life, here. I love it! By they way, I had a student tell me yesterday they were having an existential crises, realized that everything was a construct, and so couldn't make their lesson.

Why do I bring this up? If I were the Lambs or the Kittens, I'd be digging deep for a really good excuse to not suit up on Sunday- how about "It thought it was a bye week"?

Lambs host the Saints!

Kittens at the Vikings!

DOUBLE BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK!!!!! 'nuff said there.

You know, there's so many bad teams, I lose track of them.

Pansies will get stomped by the Falcons, no problem, and in a scheduling cruelty,

BROWNIES host the Ravens on Monday Night. Ravens coming off a Cellar-worthy bumble but I'm sorry they are no match for the the Kings of the Bonehead Forest. Brownies deliver again to be the first team in the AFC to reach 8 losses, probably the getting the same number of first downs. All under the lights before a national audience of 37 people. But WE'LL be watching.

Gentelmen, make your PREDICTIONS!

Cellar Division Weak VIII FINAL

Break up the Lambs!

Well! The Cellar Division rose up and gave their beleaguered cities a respite from ignominy and shame yesterday.

The Panises won. The Floppers won. The Titanics won. The LAMBS won. That's the most victories in one week yet this year!! In the most anticipated game so far in the Cellar Divison season, the Kittens and the Lambs duked it out in Detroit, with the Lambs pulling it out on a Stephen Jackson 25 yard sprint late in the fourth. With one minute left in the first half, the score was 3-2 Lambs. Gotta love that. First win in more than a YEAR for the Lambs- see you November, 2010 for the next one. The Lambs are still ahead of the Kittens in the loss column, but the Bootineers stumble into first in the NFC Cellar without even having played a game. Now THAT'S perfect.

The Pansies win 34-21 because Cardinals QB Kurt Warner forgot which team he was on and completed five passes to Carolina, and fumbled once. Pansies pick up +6 in the Takeaways column. (They are in danger of exiting the league, with the Seahawks at 2-5). Floppers get only 10 first downs but win on two wild kickoff returns for touchdowns. No hot dog for Jet's Mark Sanchez. The Titanics lose all sense of reason and start Vince Young and look what happens- the end of a perfect season. Damn pushy owners and their didactic bossy ultimatums- we want Kerry Collins! And not to be forgotten, the Raydurz literally stumbled their way to another defeat (at least somebody around here knows how to lose) losing to the Chargers 222-0. Oh, wait that was Cumberland Gap vs. Georgia Tech back in the 20s (that's a real score, by the way). Raydurz pile up 81 yards passing, with Ja-miss-it Russell going down 5 times in sacks, with the last one coming on a 'pick' play which worked perfectly- both receivers ran straight into each other and went down, leaving Russell with the option to eat some grass. The Keystone Cops couldn't have drawn it up any better.

BLOWOUT/LOSER OF THE WEEK: Brownies 6, Bears 30. Now, that's not two field goals- the Browns actually scored a touchdown- but got the kick blocked. Cleveland takes least first down honors for the week with 9. That's getting to be a regular thing with them. They also snag a tie for league lead in turnovers with 5 yesterday. This puts them firmly in FIRST in the AFC Cellar this week, floating up to the surface of Lake Erie, bobbing there, quietly.

Fewest Points: Brownies 6

Fewest First Downs: Brownies 9

Fewest Total Yards: Floppers 104 (and the WON)

Most Turnovers: Brownies 5

The Standings WEAK VIII

NFC

W-L PF- PA TA/GA

Bootineers 0-7 96- 203 -2

Lambs 1-7 77- 221 -7

Kittens 1-6 113-205 -4

Pansies 3-4 128-166 -8

Deadskins 2-5 96- 123 -8

AFC

Brownies 1-7 78- 209 -10

Titanics 1-6 114-211 -8

Cheeps 1-6 105-181 +2

Raydurz 2-6 78- 201 -10

Floppers 3-4 176-177 -6

These guys are worse: Seahawks (2-5), Buffalo (3-5)

aaaaand that's the view from the Basement!