WEEK 9 WRAP-UP and ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS!!

O-fer-Niners!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK NINE

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

SANTA CLARA         0-9           143      239     -96

NY GIANTS               1-7           129      207     -78

TAMPA BAY              2-6           158      198     -40

CHICAGO                 3-5            134     171     -37

DETROIT                  3-4            176     169     +7

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-8          119      202      -83
INDIANAPOLIS         3-5          162      260      -98

CINCINNATI              3-5          129      158      -29

DENVER                    3-5          150     198       -48

LA CHARGERS         3-5          150     152       -2

HOUSTON                 3-5           229     208       +21

TOP OF THE HEAP

49ERS 10, CARDINALS 20

You know, if you look at Whiner QB C.J. Beathard's name right, it all makes sense. 

 Separate the 't' and the 'h' and you get 5 sacks, 16 hits, flurries of hurries and...new QB acquisition Jimmy "Chisel Chin" Garoppolo got a real close look at the 49er offensive strategy yesterday, and what really must have impressed him was, even though Beat-hard is a human punching bag, when he does get time to throw, he has a wide array of receivers ready to drop any pass thrown, any time, however accurate. These guys are wearing clown gloves. But, really, when the O-line is so porous that the ineffective running back blocking gets to shine almost every play, why would you even EXPECT to get a pass thrown anywhere near you?  It's just a lot to ask.

The O-fer-Niners are now the first team to 0-9, as the Browns could not keep pace yesterday, because they weren't allowed on a field. Enjoy it while you can, Whine-boys, because next week the NY Giants (1-7), come to the Most Expensive Empty Stadium in football, and, believe you-me, the Giants are not leaving until they get another loss in the bag. BE THERE.

BLOW OUT OF THE WEAK and ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS!

GIANTS 17,  RAMS 51
What a two-fer!  Giants coach Ben McAdoo craftily suspended top DB (Janoris Jenkins) this week and the team responded by getting Ram's QB Jared Goff career highs in yards (311) and TDs (4). The rest of the team picked up on the spirit of the thing, and got Jimmy Hoffa'd (buried in their own stadium) 51-17.  Last time they got shellacked like that? 52-21 in 1964 against the...Cleveland Browns, the last time the Browns won a game. Or so it seems. This game was truly a changing of the guard.

Now, please rise and remove your Doormat Team cap of your choice, raise a dented can of your favorite minty beverage and give a lusty cheer for the exit of one our longest standing members, The LOS ANGELES LAMBS!  Holy God of Mercy, they're GONE. Without a winning season since 2003, the Lambs have the blue and white helmets back on, and look...they look great. They're having fun, and there are tears of joy in the stands.  Though only 6-2, and the requisite is you have to guarantee an minimum 8-8 finish, these guys are not coming back this year.  Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos!

THE OTHER BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

BRONCOS 23, EAGLES 51
Well, here's your second half of the season team that won't be anywhere near a mile-high in altitude any time soon.  The Chargers may have a rough time finishing last in their own division, at this rate.  The Buncos are now in rotating mediocre QB mode. Spinning slowly in the Rocky Mountain breeze....brr.

TEXANS 14, COLTS 20
The Indiapopolopolis Colts, supposedly the worst team in the league, now have 3 victories, and are 3 whole games behind the Browns for the AFC Doormat crown.  The Moldy Carpet Trophy...fading hopes.  Now that starting Texan QB Deshaun Watson is on the sideline, the Toxins don't have to listen to fan complaints about how they aren't using him right. They can toss someone far less talented out there and get back to losing to anybody on any given Sunday. Watch for the Texans to finish lower on the totem pole than the Colts in the AFC South.

OHIO PRIDE

BENGALS 7, JAGUARS 23
Well, if the Browns aren't playing, an Ohio team has to pick up the Orange Banner, and wave it...vigorously.  And open the windows, whew!   8 first downs, 148 total yards, 7 punts, multiple fights, a couple chokeholds and our FIRST team under 20 minutes possession time this year - 19:46!!!  It was way messier than a Browns loss, but not everyone can be so professional. Way to step UP, Bungles!

BUCCANEERS 10, SAINTS 30
The Bucs (2-6) brought their fascinating train wreck to the Big Easy yesterday, and I hope their fans found a good oyster po' boy sandwich somewhere in town, and a decent mint julep with an excellent shot of bourbon in it. The Bucs though, man they looked like they had 7 or 8 Hurricanes the night before, each with a more absurd straw as the night wore on. Oh well, another bunch of green horn tourists that can't find a real jazz club OR the end zone. Put it in a go-cup and head back to Florida.

DOLPHINS 24, RAIDERS 27
During this game last night the red phone rang, and it was, of course, our Commissioner on the line. He had a few thoughts:  1) Raiders receiver Amari Cooper, who apparently can't catch a pass, but can catch a grounder (onside kick), should switch over to playing SS for the A's. After all, he's familiar with the infield.  2) The Raiders have talent, but no focus.  They may yet still be with us in the Basement come January.  3) Can we find out how many penalties the Raiders have in their playbook?  4) Miami is not much of anything but an opponent every Sunday.

And, there you have it- the goal of half the league in the NFL is to be...an opponent on Sunday. Might as well wear hideous all-teal uniforms and live in Parity, because once the playoffs show up, your best shot is to be that team that 'has no business' being in the playoffs. But you see- they DO. They represent the majority interest in the league (and, often the Doormat Division as well), and deserve a seat at the table in January, however brief. They are the fatted calf of the playoffs!  Sacrifice is the spice of life.

TONIGHT:  LIONS AT PACKERS
The Porkers have had a whole week off to dis-prepare for this entry attempt into our league. Let's see what they can not do tonight against the often-accommodating Kittens, another team teetering on making the Bears relevant. The NFC North, the division bent on making the Vikings winners.


aaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!

This Weekend's Playoff With a Doormat Aroma

PLAYOFF POSEURS

Every year, some team waltzes into the playoffs with a truly dubious resume.   In 2014, it was the Carolina Panthers, at 7-8-1, with a minus 35 point differential.  They won their Wild Card game against the Cardinals, even.  Reality set in the next week versus the Seahawks, no strangers to dubious playoff resumes.

In 2015 the Houston Texans (9-7) won their division because everybody else was battling for the Moldy Carpet.  The AFC South, without Houston,  had a combined point differential of -274. Wow. Oddly enough, the Texans got blanked, 30-0, by the Chiefs on Wild Card Weekend.

Here in 2016, the Texans are back, and though still stuck on 9-7 (3 years in a row), they have a solid Doormat credential of a -49 point differential. That AFC South is always working to give us the worst division winner money can overpay. The Titans will fix that next year. Adding to this already attractive mix, the Toxins will start free agent bust Brock Osweiler at QB, because Tom Savage got his bell rung and he is still hearing birdies chirping. Not good for the headset in the helmet.  "Coach, did you say R67 off tackle right, or American Woodlark?"

The Texans, ready to lose big, despite a real defense, have a major challenge in the Oakland Raiders, who will start, for the first time in NFL History (if you don't count the first 40 years), a rookie,for his first NFL start,  in a playoff game. Connor Cook, the Raider's 3rd string scout squad QB, gets the nod after fledgling Doormat All-Star back-up Matt McGloin got his shoulder stove in during last week's stumble-fest against the Bronkettes.  Cook looked cool-cucumber like last week, as he calmly turned the ball over twice.  Nerves of Doormat steel.

Yes, the Raiders have exited the Basement, and every single Basement member hopes Cook has some kind of miracle game and pulls off the victory.  But have you looked across the line at the Texan's defense lately?  Don't get your hopes up toooo high.

So, get your pizza box tables set up, cool some beer in your sub-zero weather, wiggle the antennae until the snow is only outside- and settle in for a game where nobody scores, except by accident.

Enjoy!!

-wacko

WEEK 5 WRAP UP AND DOUBLE WOOKIE PUNT INTO SPACE!!

BROWNS CONTINUE TO DOMINATE,  MOLDING HISTORY

Like a river burning through the darkest night of football nightmare, the Cleveland Browns are the last team remaining with a perfect record in the NFL in 2016 (except for the 5-0 Vikings, knucklehead -ed).  And if you can't jump into the oil-and-sludge flames of the Cuyahoga and start swimming hard, you will not catch them.  

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 5

AFC               W - L      PF - PA

BROWNS         0 - 5         87 - 148

DOLPHINS      1 -4          88 - 119

JETS                  1 - 4        92 - 136

CHARGERS    1 - 4        152 - 142

JAGUARS        1 - 3         84 - 111

TITANICS        2 - 3         92 - 101

NFC              W - L   PF - PA

BEARS              1 - 4       85 - 126

49ers                  1 - 4       111 - 140

PANTHERS     1 - 4      124 - 135

BUCS                 2 - 3       94 - 142

SAINTS             1 - 3       114 - 130

GIANTS            2 - 3       89 - 108

BROWNS 13,  PATRIOTS 33

When long-time Doormat All-Star Charlie "Clip-Board Jesus" Whitehurst steps onto the field, everyone in the Basement stands up, salutes, and throws a bowl of Cheese Balls into the air.  You know you've got the game in the bag.  Above-average Brownie QB Cody Kessler, who actually looks competitive, took it on the chest yesterday and got knocked out of the game in the first half.  He engineered one sharp drive for a TD. After that the Brown-outs threw Terrelle Pryor out there for 2 passes, saw the error of their ways, and inserted Whitehurst to close out the loss and not threaten the red zone.  (note- Whitehurst hyper-extended his knee late in the 4th quarter, so...Pryor may be starting at QB next week).  That's 5 QBs that have thrown at least 5 passes for the Blank Helmets already this year. Remember RGB III?  I don't.  

Same Old Browns?  I don't think so.  This is the Browns team to out-Brown any Browns team that ever Browned around with being the worst team in the league.  Whitehurst last won a game in 2014 when his Titanics edged the Gaguars for winless-ness. He's won two games, all-time, since entering the league in 2006.  Jeez we gotta chip in and buy him some flowers.  Or a half-gallon of gin.  Or at least some good sandals and a toga.

Oh, by the way, Pats QB Tom Brady racked up 403 yards passing, so don't just go giving the Browns offense all the credit, here.  Huge game next week against the Titanics.  Browns should nail it.

LIONS 24,  EAGLES 23

See Walkfish's special write-up on this one.  Upset of the week!

BEARS 23,  COLTS 29

The Colts may be bad, but not bad enough.  Another high-yardage Doormat entertainment package for the fans.  daBares pile up 522 total yards and LOSE!  They can do anything.

DOLPHINS 17, TITANICS 30

Titanics QB Marcus Mariota did not throw an interception and did not fumble the ball away.

If he keeps doing that, the Titanics (2-3) will exit the Basement in two weeks.  The Dolphins again lead the league with only 8 first downs this week, amassing a measly 200 yards of offense, and threw in a couple turnovers to stay well back of the red zone.  Classic single touchdown drive (the other a punt return).

The Floppers have to just lose the next two weeks before the big divisional game with the Jets (1-4).  Be there for that one.

CHARGERS 31, RRRRAIDERS 34

The DREW KASER game. Are the Chagrins really doing this?  They are! In their first 3 losses, the Blots were leading with 2 minutes to go, yet found a way to blow it.  They lead the league in fumbles (8). Yesterday, they blew the lead earlier, but punter Drew Kaser has to get the game ball here. Already starting the crumble with a Charger fumble and ensuing TD by the Raiders to give up the lead in the third quarter, punter Kaser entered and shanked off a 16 yard punt to the Charger 32 on the next 'drive' to set up another RRRaiders TD, ballooning the lead to 34-24.  Not content to just lose there, Philip Rivers rallied the Charred back to 34-31 with 2:00 to go and in place for a game-tying field goal from the Oakland 18.  Kaser, the placeholder, feeling the moment,  muffed the perfectly fine snap, blowing the shot at overtime and the game.  You have to feel for the guy, of course, but, on the other hand WOWEE the Chagrins found another way to blow a game.  What next?

JETS 13, PITTSBURGH 31

The most common palindrome score in football happened twice yesterday (Texans-Vikes, as well), and the Jets hammered home another loss, yet doing it without a single interception by league INT leader Ryan Fitzpatrick.  This time, they just did it the old-fashioned way, scoring all their points in the first half and ceasing play after halftime, getting swarmed over by the Bumblebees (throw-back unis!) for the final 30 minutes.  

BILLS 30,  RAMS 19

The Rams (3-2) are still in first in the NFC West, but...c'mon.  

TEXANS 13,  VIKINGS 31

The Texans (3-2) are still in first place in first place in the AFC south, but...C'MON

Around the league:  Bengals look like they could slide back into the basement soon, 2-3 and dropping.  Same with the Giants (2-3) could lose every single remaining divisional game.  

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 5

We have to wait until tonight's game ENDS!!   

aaaAAAaAAnd That's The View from the BASEMENT!!!!

DOORMAT WEEK SEVEN WRAP-UP AND INCINERATE

HUGE RE-SHUFFLE!

I have to make this brief this week, there’s a lot to do, and the police should be pulling up shortly and I’d better-  I mean, I have to go to ‘work.’  But we have the space heater keeping us warm for now, one tiny short away from burning down the whole rotting structure, and leaving just the sliding door standing, dog slobber and all. 

In our beloved Doormat Division, where losing is the name of the game, and your own personal football hell turns into hallelujah, there was a bold move in the AFC: the Titanics put on a tombstone of a performance this week, losing 10-7 to Atlanta, and rise to the top of the standings, tied with the Poe-Cravens. 

Here’s the standings, and let’s get to the games.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Kittens        1-6           139 - 200

Whiners      2-5           103 – 180

Bootineers   2-4           140 - 179

daBares       2-4           120 - 179

Deadskins   3-4           148 – 168

Seahags       3-4          154 - 128

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      1-5            119 - 139

Cravens      1-5            143 – 162

Toxins        2-5            154 - 199

Gaguars      2-5            147 - 207

Cheaps        2-5           150 - 172

Chargettes   2-5           165 – 198

STIFF OF THE WEEK

TITANS 7, FALCONS 10

With Titanic QB Marcus Mariotta on the bench with 17 injuries after 6-game mugging, dustbin QB Zach Mettenberg comes in and directs a complete snooze-fest.  The Falcons responded with their own freeze job, but have no fear- Mettenberg whipped out the killer late interception with 1:31 to seal the loss.   Titanics take over first place in the AFC. 

BILLS  31,  JAGS 34 (in LONDON)

Better watch out.  The Nils are up to their usual tricks- play a few good games early in the season, and then another memorable slide into frigid Lake Erie.

The Gags, playing in their annual DOORMAT DISASTER in London, could not put the Bills away. Inexplicably up 27-13 enterting the 4^th quarter, the Jags engineer 18 straight Buffalo points, combining a long pass play with a pick six in rapid succession, losing the lead with just 5:21 to go.  But it was not to be- the Nils responded by going out for tea, and Jag QB Blake Bortles throws a winning TD pass to shock the 84,000 fans who vaguely had an idea of what might be happening on the field, should they look up from their smartphones which had the match of the day on. 

LIONS 19, VIKINGS 28

Up 17-15 at halftime, the Kittens stopped fooling around, dug a big whole in the cat box and laid down a stinker- 1 first down in the second half, the Vikes nab 6 sacks, Kitties stack up 6 three and outs...  Peee-yuuuuuuuu.  Lions 1-6 and look unstoppable, at least until Dec. 27^th, when they travel to ‘San Francisco’ to have the huge Doormat tilt with the Santa Clara Niners. Be there.

RAIDERS 37, CHARGERS 29

Wait, WHAT?  The Raiders scored on their first 7 possessions, which hasn’t happened since Al Davis was alive, had a pompadour that included hair, and John Madden could still eat Mexican food.  WR Amari Cooper is…holy God…exciting.  We’re going out on a limb here, but the Raiders could wind up with a winning record.  They have a long way to go, as in at least 8 wins, but these guys just might be leaving the basement for real. (They still racked up 14 penalties, so don’t get TOO excited.)

The Chargettes, on the other hand, sure can pile up the points while they pile up the losses (non-wins).  

BROWNS 6, RAMS 24

It was no contest.  With a phenomenal 4 lost fumbles, the Blank Helmets couldn’t have played any browner.  Johnny Manzel got some mop-up duty in the 4^th when Browns QB Josh McCown left favoring the bench.  I mean, his right arm.  

BUCCANEERS 30, WASHINGTON FATS  31

Up 24-0 in the first half, the Bootineers did what all true losing teams do in those situations- relax, baby!  Here, take the ball, score score score! We’re done!  Enoy! 

Suddenly caught in an avalanche of points they couldn’t stop, the ‘Skins/Fats pulled up dangerously close to the lead, 24-21, entering the 4^th quarter. 

But there they anchored, and then it was a vicious field goal freeze out, back and forth, but then- the ‘Skins/Fats are just NO match for the Bucs in the end- the Bucs secondary drops so far back in prevent defense for the final drive that they were getting phone numbers from the Redskin cheerleaders (the Squaws?) at the back of the end zone.  Fats QB “Fats” Cousins has no choice but to throw to a wide open WR "Fats" Reed in the end zone and finish the job with :24 seconds left.  A real Doormat battle to the finish.  Go Boots!! 

TEXANS 26, DOPLHINS 44

Geez.  Fire your coach and start scoring a billion points.  It helps when you play a team that gave up last week on their season.  Down in the dumpy-wumps and crying in their beer, the Texans roll out a bomb for the ages, trailing 41-0 at halftime.  The entire 2^nd half was garbage time.  KLUNK!!

STEELERS 13, CHIEFS 23

Two teams without a QB, but one with the ability to give up the ball, three of them- the Reelers get back to losing, and the Cheaps lose ground in the AFC hunt.

COLTS 21, SAINTS 27

Not sure how you total 48 points AND punt 20 times (ten each) but that has to be some kind of record.  Saints exiting basement, Colts hanging out on chilly patio looking longingly in through sliding glass door at the orange couch with all the duct tape on it.  Lose two more, guys, OK? 

NFL WEEK 7 WORST STATS

 Points:         3               Niners

First Downs:  8               Niners

Punts:           10              Saints and Colts- same game!  20 total.

Total Yards: 142            Niners

Passing:       81              Niners

Rushing:       50              Washington Fats

Penalties:     14/136         Raiders

3^rd down eff:  1-11          Niners

Yards allowed:  503         Texans

Turnovers :     4             Bills (2int/2fum),  Browns (0/4), Cowboys (2/2)

aaaAAAAAAnd That the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!

NFL WEEK 17 FINAL: DOORMAT CHAMPIONS!!!

2014 DOORMAT CHAMPIONS!

What a finish yesterday, Doormat fans.  We've got a straight-up tie for the MOLDY CARPET trophy, and looks like we're going to need a DOORMAT BOWL to decide the winner.  If we use our own system of tiebreakers, I guess the Titanics take it with the greater point differential, but I say we send these two teams to another far-flung hinterland to duke it out themselves!

The Tennessee Titanics wrapped up their season yesterday with a no-doubter from kick-off to the last ticks of the clock, while the Tampa Bay Buccaneers saw dangerously built a sizable half time lead, but came through all the same in the end to notch their 14th loss.  Hats off to Bucs coach Lovie Smith and Titanic coach Ken "Whizz" Whisenhunt for presiding over such masterful work.  No parity for THESE guys.  

AFC

TENNESSEE TITANICS (2-14)

NFC

TAMPA BAY BOOTINEERS (2-14)

DOORMAT DIVISION FINAL STANDINGS WEEK 17

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 16
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF

x-Tampa Bay    2-14             277      410     -133

Washington      4-12              301      438     -137

Chicago            5-11             319      442     -123

NY Giants        6-10             380      400      -20

Atlanta             6-10              381      417      -36

St Louis            6-10             324      354      -30

AFC             

x-Tennessee     2-14            254       438     -184 

Oakland           3-13            253       452     -199 

Jacksonville     3-13            249       412     -163    

NY Jets            4-12            283       401     -118

Cleveland         7-9              2299     337     -38

Game of the Week:

BUCS 20,  SAINTS 23

I have to assume that the ghost of deceased Bucs owner Malcom Glazer, complete with football helmets linked together in a chain, appeared before the Boots during half-time in the locker room and set them straight on what the point of football present was- to lose the game so that football future would mean the #1 pick in the 2015 NFL draft.  Changed men- or at least reverting to form- the Bucs come out after halftime and cease scoring while guiding the Saints to 16 fourth-quarter points, nailing down the loss.  They threw in a gratuitous safety with a minute to go to put a little frosting on the season.  What a performance.  

CRUCIAL GAMES:

TITANS 10, COLTS 27

The Titans had to lose to win the Doormat AFC outright and have a shot at the Moldy Carpet.  It was no problem- QB Charlie Whitehurst goes 12-18 for 79 yards (50 net), the Sinkers get 9 first downs, they fumble 4 times, and just boy howdy do they know how to lose a game, and lose it quickly.  

GIANTS 26, EAGLES 34

It was close for a while, they racked up 505 yards of offense...but they still lost!  The Giants make it to 10 losses in style, and are in the 10 Club for 2014.  

RAMS 6, THE ANNOYING SEAHAWKS 20

Another great halftime nap takes a 6-0 lead and flips it to 20-6, and the Lambs just make TEN big big losses on the season. Never ever count out the St. Louis Lambs in their quest to stay in the basement.

There is something special, also, about having your last 'scoring' play be a 49-yard pick-six for the opposition.  Savor it.

ATLANTA 3,  CAROLINA 34

 Speaking of special, how about coming into a game and having a shot at either winning your division and hosting a playoff game at 7-9, or finishing up your year with 10 losses and a winter of cheap beer and moldy carpeting in the Basement?  The Falcons had that shot, and they came roaring out of the gate with some of the finest Doormat play money can sign underperforming free agents for!  TWO pick-sixes, TWO.  It was 24-3 by halftime and the season was already over!  Failcons TOPPED the Lambs with their final pick-six- they pulled it off on the last play of the game.  Just WOW.  

This, by the by, sets up the Panthers as the Doormat entry into the playoffs at 7-8-1, and they host the Arizona Cardinals, a team that can't get out of its own way right now.  By God, the Panthers are going to win next week and advance to the 2nd round.  

CLEVELAND 10, BROWNS 20

It looked dicey for a minute there, with a third string QB in there and the Ravens playing like garbage men dancing the Nutcracker. But the Blank Helmets did it- they lost one more time, finishing 7-9 to end a season that saw them in first place at one point, and now dead last in the AFC North. 

RAIDERS 14, BRONCOS 47

The Raiders come within ONE point of having a -200 point differential, an almost un-heard of total even for Doormat teams.  So very very close.  Punter Marquette King clobbers 9 punts, and finishes the year with 109, only 5 shy of the all-time record, held by Punts McFooten of the Chicago Staleys in 1935.  Ok I made that up.

BEARS 9,  VIKINGS 13

They almost froze to death.  It took ONE touchdown to win this game, and the Bears handed it to the Vikes on a bomb from QB Terry Bridgewater for the Yikings.  The Yikes can't cash in and make it to 10 losses on the season.  Better luck next year, team!

FIRED:  Trestman, Ryan, Smith

Roll those head coaching heads!  Chicago sacks Marc Trestman,  the Jets fire Rex Ryan (and general manager John Idzik), and the Falcons ax Mike Smith.   Idzik is possibly the biggest boob of the bunch.

THE 10 CLUB

The 10 CLUB membership requires at least 10 losses on the season. 

The Browns miss the 10 club, ending their streak of 6 straight years.  

Buffalo also missed out (5 straight years) so here we go:

JACKSONVILLE   3-13   (four years in a row)

TAMPA BAY  2-14   (2 years in a row)

WASHINGTON  4-12 (2 years)

OAKLAND  3-13  (2 years)

ATLANTA  6-10  (2 years)

NY Jets  4-12

TENNESSEE 2-14  

NY GIANTS 6-10

ST. LOUIS  6-10

CHICAGO  5-11

OKAY I hear TEN teams knocking on the sliding door of the patio,  with their new membership cards in hand, I gotta stop typing and let them in, and tell them the rules for the Basement.  It's been another great ride this season, folks, I hope you enjoyed it.  We'll be back with some awards for the season later this week.

CHEERS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR from 

 THE BASEMENT!!

JOHNNY LETDOWN! THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET!

Johnny Letdown Mobbed!  And not By Browns Fans!  JETS AND TITANS IN BASEBALL GAME!  RAIDERS BACK ON TOP! NFC SOUTH CONTINUES TO CHALLENGE US! ONLY TWO MORE WEEKS FOR THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET TROPHY! WE'RE IN THE NY TIMES (sort of)!

Yes, there was an article in the NY Times about Fantasy football leagues now starting to be all about who has the worst team.  We've been doing it for SIX YEARS now, folks, you're just now figuring out that there is far more failure in football than success?  Football is all about failure- so few plays actually work.  It's the operating principle. Somebody give us some props!!

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 15
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-12              254      367     -113

Washington     3-11              257      370     -113 
Chicago           5-9              296       409      -113

NY Giants        5-9               317      339      -22

Atlanta            5-9               348      369      -21

*playing tonight!

AFC             

Oakland           2-12            213       381     -168 

Jacksonville     2-12            211       376     -165

Tennessee        2-12            231       390    -159         

NY Jets            3-11            230       360     -130

Cleveland        7-7              276       300     -24

THE GAMES

BROWNS 0, BENGALS 30

I understand now. Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslem is way ahead of us.  The Browns benched struggling QB Brian Hoyer for the biggest game of the Browns season because they had a rookie QB who was ready and rarin' to do everything wrong! Hoyer's poor footwork? Pish posh! How about frantic chaos instead? The Johnny Letdown era began with a thunderous thud (the sound of Brownie fans slamming their heads against any available surface):  5 first downs!  107 total net yards of empty offense! On the run and looking scared! 1-10 on 3rd down, a couple interceptions, and NO points.  Oh, my the Browns are back to .500 and getting ready for their photo-op out by our BBQ! 

  

But let's go upstairs- it wasn't Johnny's idea to be put in a must-win game late in the season against a bitter rival- it was the coach and the Bosses of Blank Helmet Football. The Brownie Way has never been more clearly articulated on the field as yesterday.  Reverse Engineering to the bottom of the pile. 

So, yes, Johnny No-Touchdowns came on big, big, big, but  the whole team bungled their way through this one, and now they only have to tank two more games (looks like a snap right now!!), and the Beloved Brownie Blank Hats of the Bumbling Basement will be right back home with us at 7-9.

RRRRAIDERS 13, CHIEFS 31

Yesterday's palindrome game featured this season high in punts-  ELEVEN by Marquette King. If not for the charity drives donated by KC during garbage time, it could have been 13. The Chiefs are always willing to keep a game within reach of any Doormat team. But the Raiders came out after half time and, despite one quick KC turnover, got masterfully blown out yet again a week after a victory. The loss puts them back in first in the Doormat AFC. There is an art to suddenly diving all 11 guys on defense up to the line of scrimmage and turning a 3 yard dink pass turning into a 70-yard touchdown, and the Raiders are artistes at it.

TITANS 11, JETS 16

It was 5-3 at halftime. There was a huge brawl. Anything to take attention away from this game. The Titans come out on top, though, as the Jets just got a little too angry and drove for the winning touchdown late in the 4th quarter. It was the first NFL game to ever end 16-11. SO?  After the game, coach Rex Ryan thought his Jets still had only 2 victories, which means he STILL thinks they should have lost one those games. Argh!

The Titanics tried a multi-lateral play on the final play of the game, reaching the Jet 9 yard line.  Whoa whoa whoa!  However, no trombonists appeared in the end zone, and the game ended safely.  Titans, at 2-12, are still tied for first in the AFC.  Jets' (3-11) chance at the Moldy Carpet is crumbling.

BUCCANEERS 17,  PANTHERS 19

Somebody had to win.  Panther QB Cam Newton, recovering from his auto accident, handed over QB duties to Doormat pro Derek Anderson and...actually, he didn't do too bad, and that's good enough against the Bucs, who will lose any game if they get a decent opportunity.  Bucs (2-12) stay one precarious game ahead of Washington (3-11) for the NFC lead.

WASHINGTON 13, GIANTS 24

With a chance to move into a second place tie in the NFC, the Giants just can't come up with a defining turnover or huge play for the Sunburns.  QB Clots McCoy got an owie and RGB (red-green-black) III took over and guided the 'Skins to gory.  Glory. 

Moldy Carpet Outlook

With two games to go, the NFC is between the Bucs and the 'Skins.  The 'Skins should fall to Philly and Dallas to finish up 3-13, and the Bucs have Green Bay (who will be really really angry) and then the Saints.  The Saints are the trap game, as they may SOMEHOW be out of playoff contention by then. If they are, they may all be golfing already, and the Bucs could win the damn game, mess up their draft pick and end 3-13.  This would be disastrous, because the 'Skins have already lost to the Bucs back in week 11, 27-7.  So, the Bucs have to stay the course and finish up strong.

In the AFC, the logjam is something to behold.  Never have we had a 3-way tie this late in the season, and at 2-12 the Jags, Titans and Raiders are all deserving of the Moldy Carpet trophy.  

But next week, the Jags and Titans face off in the hugest game of the season in the Doormat.  Whoever comes out on top is the loser in this one.  Tennessee won the first battle 16-14 back in week 6.  After next week, the Gags face Houston, no gimme, and the Titanics get the Colts, who will be either be playing for a home field advantage in the playoffs or they'll be taking the week off, and playing 3rd string and volunteers from the stands.  So, it will come down to the final week for one of these teams. 

The Raiders have  Buffalo at home and the Broncos in Denver.  Raiders play better at home, could beat Bills after their huge high from beating the Pack.  Bills still in playoff contention, though, so I think the Raiders run the table.  This means it will come down to a tie breaker, and Oakland hasn't faced the Titans or Jags. If Jags and Bucs end in a tie for first, and the Raiders win their last two (oh please), the head-to-head of Jags and Bucs comes into play.  All the Jags gotta do is lose both games to the Titans and have a bigger point differential than the Raiders to be the Champ. That's a tall order, because the Raiders can lose big, and lately they've been really racking up the points.
My money is on the Raiders.  

NFC  SOUTH

Atlanta is fading, the Saints have to lose to Chicago tonight.  If the trend holds, the Panthers will LEAD the NFC South at 5-8-1 with 2 games to go.  6-9-1 or 6-10 takes it.  Atlanta and NO play each other next week. Pray for a tie. Then the next week Atlanta and Carolina collide in the most epic battle of Divisional embarrassment ev- actually, I'm loving it.  I'm still holding that whoever wins this Basement division will go all the way to the Super Bowl, and then they'll cancel it.

OKAY FOLKS 

annnNNNND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!