THE UNDERDOGS
Or maybe that's 'Undercats'
Not a single Vegas underdog in the Doormat Division won this week. On pure Vegas odds, the Saints and Steelers were underdog victors. Neither of those teams count as 'underdogs' in the true sense of the term. Nobody else even covered the point spread.
All of our underdogs, toiling under the radar and laughed at by the rest of the league's fans, have long odds of pulling off a victory against a towering foe at any time. As the season goes on, those odds get longer, until the final week, when some teams mail it in from the golf course.
Instead, we warm the cold coffee on the outdoor grill, make the guys some hot dogs, and...after that repast, they gotta stay out on the patio. Powered by Vitamin F, we'll tune them in again, because....just maybe.
DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 9
NFC W-L PF PA DIFF
NY Giants 1-7 150 205 -55
Santa Clara 2-7 207 239 -32
Arizona 2-6 110 199 -89
Tampa Bay 3-5 229 275 -46
Detroit 3-5 180 210 -30
AFC W-L PF PA DIFF
Oakland 1-7 141 252 -111
Buffalo 2-7 96 241 -145
Cleveland 2-6-1 190 247 -57
Denver 3-6 205 213 -8
NY Jets 3-6 198 213 -15
Jacksonville 3-5 134 170 -36
BILLS 9, CHICAGO 41
This weekend's biggest underdog (+10), Buffalo presented their fans with a performance that not only covered the point spread like 4 feet of yellow snow, lengthened winter, and threw into question the term 'rebuilding', they also made a unique box score. 81 plays to the Bears 46. 22 first downs to the Bears' 11. 10 more minutes in time of possession. The Bears got only 190 yards of offense, went 3 for 11 on 3rd down, had 14 penalties for 129 yards, yet won by 32 points. How it was done: The Bears never started a scoring drive (save one FG) in their own territory. They never needed more than 1 first down to get in the end zone or kick a FG. The variety of setup was impressive, with the Bills giving up a fumble-six and pick-six, two more interceptions deep in their own territory, personal fouls on punts (moving the ball into their own territory), a long punt return, and...10 penalties for 163 yards. How you average more than 15 yards per penalty is a little hard to even grasp.
Somehow, the Bills beat the Vikings in week 2. It's still this seasons' biggest upset. Rookie QB Josh Allen, who is not Drew Brees but isn't a total stiff either, has returned to practice after a nasty elbow tweak in week 6. Lord GOD does Buffalo need him. In his absence, interception machine Nathan Peterman and antique life form Derek Anderson have obstructed the position, with the ominous presence of recently unemployed Matt Barkley filling a Bills uniform on the sideline. Laugh all you want, but Peterman, who threw 3 interceptions in 49 attempts yesterday, actually improved his interception rate, which was 1 in every 8 attempts before yesterday (that would have been 6 yesterday if ratios had held).
The city of Buffalo prays for your health, Josh. And get the hell back on the field. Maybe this underdog can win a game yet. Without him, they're hands down the worst team in the NFL (sorry Raiders). The Jets (11/11 and 12/9), the Jags (11/25) and the Lions (12/16) present the opportunity. In fact, next week's Jets game will present the best opportunity for an 'upset' in the entire week 9 schedule. When it's two Doormat teams with excellent chances of losing 10, you may not feel like counting it, but- if you're a Bills fan, you sure as hell are.
LIONS 9, VIKINGS 24
The Kittens got Purpled Peopled yesterday, with QB Matt Stafford hitting the pretend grass 10 times, a Vikings record. The 60's-70's Purple People Eaters got 9 sacks three times.
Now that we're in the past, let's observe our Kat Box regulars from a bird's eye view: In the 60 seasons since their last championship (1957), the Lions have had 20 winning seasons, a .333 batting average for stress relief for Lions fans. Of those 20 winning seasons, 10 were 'winning' by only one victory. Just like to get any respect for losing, you really gotta get 2 games over .500 to look good (in losing, two games under .500). Otherwise, the flab shows.
Stafford likes to throw long, but the Lions never seem to achieve offensive balance. They'll have a great running back, and no passing game. Now they have a passing game and no running game. They averaged 2.8 yards per run yesterday. The Kittens have been Underdogs for so long, despite the last two years of winning (ahem, 9-7), they look every bit like they are going to slide back to 10 losses this year.
Still, despite this ominous scenario, I give the Lions the better chance to stage an upset in the remaining games than most everybody else in the Basement. The schedule is BRUTAL, though. The Bears, Panthers, Bears, Rams, Cards, Bills, Vikings, Packers. They will be underdogs in six of those games. Just because it's the Bears, I give them a shot in that one. Elsewhere, Panthers and Packers are possible. If they lose to the Cards or Bills, somebody gets fired.
RAIDERS 3, 49ERS 34
We covered this on Friday, but just a revisit to say: the Raiders are the most embarrassing team in the NFL, and it isn't even close, which they clarified so well for us on TNF. The Bills and Cards, as bad as they are, would improve dramatically if they had a decent QB. Also, they are trying. The Raiders are emptying the barn so they don't have to pack so much for Vegas. The Giants come close, but not in the complete tanking stink pile of the Raiders. Right now, I can't see the Raiders pulling off any kind of upset. The 49ers, with everybody's new favorite QB, Nick Mullens, have a shot if they can look half as good as they did against the Charrrraiders.
The Niners chances are: Bucs (will probably not be favored), Seahawks (the home game), Broncos.
NEW YORK GIANTS (1-7)
The Giants, 1-7 and atop the Doormat Division NFC, have a shot at an 'upset' next Monday, against the 49ers, in Santa Clara, the city that isn't San Francisco. Not a likely victory, as Nick Mullens will most likely ride the wave for one more game before reality slams him in the face mask.
Any other shots at an upset for Gnats? It's seriously grim, NY fans, because your Giants are a serious underdog. BUT, you're going to be underdogs in every single game from now on. Games you can win: Redskins, Titans, Cowboys. Titans, particularly. The Colts- maybe. Let's see who is taking snaps for them come that fateful day.
BROWNS 21, CHIEFS 37
The loss margins are widening for the Brownies. But, they've lost multiple games by a final play or just a few points. The Browns have just GOT to score an upset here, somewhere. They have two already, the Jets (not counting that), and the Ravens (count it). They can't beat the Falcons next week. But they've got a legitimate shot at every game left after that. Bengals, Texans, Panthers (ok maybe not), Broncos, Bengals, Ravens. Beating the Panthers or Bengals would be a true upset.
Go Brownouts. Go Blank Helmets. Get over the damn hump. They're still going to lose 10 games, yet again. At least knock over a Goliath.
JAGS (3-5) AND BUCS (3-5)
Both of these squads started out OK, but have bumblingly stumbled into our basement, and landed on the duct tape couch with a resounding thud. Jags, in particular, look like they could just lose every game from now to the end of time. If they aren't all sporting losing records by the time the games happen, the Jags could upset the Titans or Dolphins. Any team that sports any kind of offense where 2 touchdowns could somehow get scored, count out the Jags from a victory.
If the Bucs are going to get an upset, it's the Ravens or Cowboys (IF either of those are still favorites by game time). Outside of that...Redskins next week.
CARDINALS (2-6)
It's looking so desolate out there in the desert, the scirocco howling through the chaparral, with not even an Arby's in sight. Upset? 12/9 at home vs. the Lions. Will they be underdogs to the Raiders? That doesn't count! Final game vs. the Seahawks, esp if Seahawks are out of the hunt, and throw in the towel.
BRONCOS 17, TEXANS 19
Missing not once but twice on field goals that would have won the game, the Broncos (3-6) are moving into Doormat territory with some style. Things are crumbling in the mile-high stadium, and I don't mean the pot cookies. Who can they beat that they shouldn't? WHO CAN THEY BEAT?
Upset potential: the Chargers should eat them alive- wow it's hard to type that- but you never know with Charger QB Philip Rivers, he could have a throw-back game with 4 interceptions. But, he's just not doing that this year. I'd say the Bengals on 12/2. There. Maybe the Steelers 11/25. Steelers can put up a stinker, but as the year goes on, they usually play better. All the other games, Broncos, right now, would be favored (Browns, 49ers, Raiders).
JETS 6, DOLPHINS 13
Yesterday's soccer game-like STIFF OF THE WEEK, where failure is the constant, and small victories must be celebrated (did you see that fabulous hand-off?), the only TD was a Fin's interception return. The Sam Darnold era includes games like this: 4 interceptions (with the pick-six game winner). The Fins only got 7 first downs, punted nine times and WON the contest of flail. Games like this should be played with no face masks, on a mud field, with groundskeepers visibly hosing down the 5 yard-lines. Anything to make it interesting.
The Jets are SO up and down...but mostly down lately, with 3 straight losses. They get the Bills next week, with Josh Rosen back at QB. Watch out Jets, Bills might just notch their upset. Who can the Jets knock off, who isn't expecting it? The Texans- a score fest. The Titans, though Titans would be, like, a 1 point favorite in that Stiff. 17 punts in that scary place.
OKAY UNDERDOGS OF THE BASEMENT,
aaaaAAAAaaAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!
