Desperation Weekend!
It’s over. The teams that didn’t REALLY want to be Doormats, but have been learning the art anyway, will have to change their sights and aim DOWNWARD from now to the end of the season. The teams that have been working for the Moldy Carpet Trophy now have 5 games to lock down the Andrew Luck Award. Are the Colts a lock? Can the Yikings catch them?
Holy Mackerel, where to start? Let’s start where it hurts the most:
Denver Broncos 16, San Diego Chargers 13 (OT)
The Basement is 100% on it’s picks for the weekend, except for this game, thanks to the Denver Buncos. Predicted to be a tie, the Buncos blow it by kicking a field goal with :29 seconds left in overtime…less than a half a minute away from the elusive eternal deadlock. You know the Buncos always find a way to irritate me. This is what I get for picking them as my team in the AFC for the Moldy Carpet. I can’t wait for the Raiders-Buncos rematch…but that’s not until next year, unless somehow these teams both get into the playoffs. And why not? The Charge-its fall to a ripe 4-7, and the Donkey-Buncos continue to ride the Tebow phenomenomenomenenom into the upper strastophere, arriving at 6-5. Even more scary is these guys, who are on helium, could win 4 out of their last 5 games and finish 10-6!!!! Somebody shoot me. Somebody shoot their balloon. Charge-its completely disintegrating and Norv Turner will be out of a job just as soon as they can get to the finish line. At least they wore the light blue suits.
Cincinatti Bengals 23, Cleveland Browns 20
They started blowing the Bunglonia Fog early yesterday, the pall over Paul Brown stadium that renders all teams unable to play a normal game. But now, with just enough offense, and just enough idiotic plays, the Bungles are winning- and our blank helmet band of Dawgs, the Brownies, are doing what they do best- blowing the game.
Raising the art of the muffed FG attempt to, well, an ART, the Brownies neutralize one of the best kickers in the league (Phil Dawson) by screwing up the hike or the hold yet again (2 times in 3 games!), this time with 1:51 left, and a chance to take the lead. These guys are pros.
Technically, neither of these teams have a logo on their helmets. It’s the Paul Brown legacy. But, until the Brownies put Chomps on their helmets, it’s the basement for these dawgs.
Washington Redskins 23, Seattle Seahawks 17
When you can have a fight break out during the coin toss, you know you’re in the Bonehead Forest. But, never count Pete Carroll out of a Doormat Duel. Ever. With 12 minutes left in the 4th quarter, the Seahags had only 15 first downs, just barely over 200 yards of offense, but were AHEAD 17-7 against the Basement Barnstormers, the Deadskins. Slamming on the brakes and shoving it into reverse, the Hags surrender 16 points faster than you can say “is that another Starbucks?” and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. The Deadskins have their loss string snapped at 6 games, despite racking up 2 interceptions, 10 penalties for 115 yards, 3-10 on 3rd down, and missing an extra point. That’s not enough against the Hags.
Atlanta Falcons 24, Minnesota Vikings 14
The Yikings check in with the worst overall stats for a team that lost yesterday (see the Houston Texans), 12 first downs, 226 yards of total offense, and doing nothing with their first 6 possessions, except going mostly backwards, and punting with impunity. The Falcons don’t play doormat ball, but, just to make things fun, threw in a 6-yard punt in the 4th quarter, easing the Yikes into the endzone, so they ended up with a 2 touchdown game. Yikes keep the pressure on the Lambs, tied for the NFC Doormat lead at 2-9.
Go Yikes!
Arizona Cardinals 23, St. Louis Rams 20
What a Doormat battle this was. 4 fumbles, 2 interceptions, 12 punts, a missed FG, and an ability to get rid of the ball faster than any other teams in the league. 15 possessions alone for the Lambs, averaging a Doormat Gold 18 yards per possession. Crudinal QB John Skelton did what could, sliding into the finish with a 30 QB rating on the day, but it’s not enough against the Lambs, who can lie down on Broadway, or anywhere you like, better than anybody in the NFC. The Lambs are tops at redemption for the other team’s goats. This time it was for Beenie Wells, whose fumble led to the Lambs tying TD in the 4th quarter. On the next possession, the Lambs rip open the line, and Wells trots for 53 yards (228 total for the game), setting up the game-winning FG. Lambs also punt 7 times, and it was enough as Crud’s returner Patrick Peterson snags his 4th punt return for a TD this year. If you haven’t gotten a huge long gainer yet this season, check your schedule for a game with the Lambs, and circle it. You’re in.
Carolina Panthers 27, Indianapolis Colts 19
Where else could the Carolina Pansies finally win a road game (2 years since the last one)? Folks need to stop taking so many pictures of the helpless Peyton Manning on the sidelines. This is Chris Painter’s, and the entire Dolt defense’s, moment of glory.
0-11, and safely past one of the last remaining obstacles to a perfect season, the Dolts have only the Gaguars left on the schedule to worry about. Will we see Mr. 0-16, Dan Orlovsky, next week? The Basement is on the edge of it’s tattered orange couch.
Pittsburgh Steelers 13 Kansas City Cheaps 9
This game had everything. 1 touchdown. The classic opening field goal followed by utter futility (three straight turnovers!!). Zero trips to the red zone for the Cheaps. Ultra-green QB Tyler Palko cannot get under the bar set by John Skelton, but still comes in with a very respectable Doormat QB rating of 40.9. Better luck next week Tyler. To be fair, the young man actually looks like he might play well someday, should he play for a team that bothers to develop quarterbacks. Somebody resurrect Lamar Hunt, so he can fire Todd Haley. But not too soon! The Cheaps are on a serious roll, and can still finish 4-12. They’re going to make the “10” club, at least. The Cheaps make no trips to the red zone and still have not had a touchdown drive from inside their own 20 in about 45 possessions. So, quite literally, all you have to do with these guys is just keep pinning them inside their 20, and score one toucdown and toss in a field goal, and that’s the ballgame. Arrow-thru-the–head Stadium was a pow-wow of boos yesterday. It’s music to the Basement. Cheaps victories have come against the Dolts, the Yikes, the Charge-its, and the Raydurz on the day Carson Palmer joined the team and he and Kyle Boller had no idea where anybody was (the six interception doozy). These guys are really really really so much worse than their record.
New England Patriots 380, Philadelphia Eagles 20
DeDrop Jackson muffs two TD catches, the Pheebles are the most undisciplined team in the league, and Andy Reid is steering this team with all the focus and attention of teenager in chemistry class at 8am the morning after smoking 15 bong hits, drinking 7 mountain dews, and playing Call of Duty until 5am. Like the Nils, the Pheebles are masters of piling up useless yardage (466) and really having no shot at winning the game.
If this guy cannot get fired (doesn’t anybody that runs that franchise read what this guy says every week?), it means the the whole team, from top to bottom, is on the same page, and that’s shooting for a 10 loss season, and a total plummet into oblivion next year. Watch this team dismantle completely. What a show.
Houston Texans 20, Jacksonville Jaguars 13
How do you get only 9 first downs, 215 total yards, punt 10 times, play your 3rd string QB, and win a game? Play the Jacksonville Gaguars! A 19 punt game, tying last week’s Lambs-Seahags Punt-a-thon, the Gaguars stay out of the red zone, and score their only TD on a fumble return at the start of the game. Another quiet afternoon at Sea Of Teal Empty Seat Stadium. The Texans have 17 possesions, and average 12.6 yard per possession, punting the last 7 times they had the ball. There were 11 straight punts to start the 2nd half. They should have just erected a net at the 50 yard line and had the cheerleaders play volleyball.
New York Jets 28, Buffalo Bills 24
I want to feel sorry for the Nils, but I just can’t. They’re back in the basement, just barely, at 5-6, but they deserve it. I saved this one for last because I want to give the Doormat MVP of Week 12 to Buffalo wide receiver Steve Jackson. You want Bonehead Forest? Here it is: Jackson catches a TD pass from Ryan Fitzpatrick, and performs an end zone dance that included pretending to shoot himself in the leg- a glaring dig at Plaxico Buress on the Jets sideline. Penalty! The Nils have to kick off from about the 3 yard line, botch the line drive kick, it bounces off a Jet, and the Jets recover at the Buffalo 35 yard line. 4 plays later, guess who catches a TD pass for the Jets? Plaxico. Isn’t Plaxico a Venezuelan oil company? Not done yet with his MVP performance, Jackson and company manage to drop about 15 passes on the day, and Jackson tops it off with a WIDE-OPEN drop on Buffalo’s final drive that had TD written all over it, which would have won the game. Way to go, STEVE!!! Nils lose the most desperate game on Desperation Weekend. Time to shift gears, guys.
THIS WEEKS NFL WORST STATS WEEK 12
Points: 6 49ers
First downs: 9 Texans
Yards: 170 49ers
Rush: 53 Packers
Pass: 96 49ers
Sacked: 9 49ers
3rd dwn conv: 1-9 Dolts
Turnovers: 4 Cheaps
Penalties: 10-115 Deadskins
Punts: 10 Texans
Avg poss: 12yds Texans
aaaaAAAAAAAnd THATS the View from the BASEMENT!!
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