SeaHags Finish with Style, Panache, and a Slip-n-Slide

Chicago Bears 35, SeaHags 24

Matt Hasselbeck gets ready to throw one through Mike Williams

Finish Strong!

Putting on a Doormat performance only we can love, the Seattle SeaHags did the Doormat Division- and the NFC Worst- proud yesterday at Soldier Field.

They did it all- getting stuffed by a brick wall of a defensive line, somehow scraping out 34 yards of rushing offense, going 3-173 on 3rd down conversions, playing hi-larious pass defense, and coming up with THE MOST FUMBLE FINGERED performance of all time.

Special, special, special props to Seahags wide receiver Mike Williams, who must have dropped at least 12 (maybe it was 271) passes yesterday, more than half of Seattle's incomplete passes. I honestly have never seen somebody have a more fumble fingered game. Yes it was COLD out there, so I'll let a couple of rocks bounce off your hands....but almost every single one? Wow!

But let's not stop there- the Seattle defensive secondary got into the act, missing TWO golden opportunities to snag an INT early in the game, including a goal line gimme that probably would have gone 99 the other way, keeping the game close. Jay Cutler tried- he really did- to throw this game early. Once he saw what he was up against, he switched gears and went for the win.

To top it off, the Hags staged a classic Doormat Futile Comeback, hopelessly far behind at 28-0, the Hags score 21 points in the 4th quarter to finish seemingly close, 35-24. They never had a chance, so the pressure's off! Go nuts! Still lose!

Hags finish out the season TWO games under .500, 8-10, but into the second round of the playoffs. Watch out for these guys next year, there's no telling what kind of record they can get into the playoffs with. 6-10? They still made the TEN club. I'm just in AWE.

aaaAAAAAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

Seahawks, Bears Playoff Game Preview from the NFL Doormat Division

The Seattle Seahags are in  the hunt for the Superbowl, and will dive into Soldier Field like an Osprey on a spawning salmon to take on the fearsome Chicago Bears in an NFC playoff showdown this Sunday. Unfortunately, the Bears will grab the salmon first and smack them in the face with it all day long.

Yes, the Seahawks are 2-6 on the road this year, but they beat Chicago in one of those road games. So it CAN be done, and Pete Carol is the coach and Marshawn Lynch could go Beast Mode.

But let's face it, the Bears can out-hit, out-muscle, and out-crazy anyone. Have you watched any Bears games this year? When that defense is clicking, it's scary.

So the Oracle from the Basement predicts the Bears will win, 38-3. Seahawks will get 6 first down.

But I hope I am wrong, because the Oracle already predicted in December that the NFC West champion would make it to the NFC Conference Championship game.

So I'm going to flop like a salmon on the deck of fishing boat and go out on a thin limb here and change my prediction: Seahags 28, Bears 24.

I'm going out for another keg of Hamms and some Costco brand chips and salsa for the game. See you in the basement!!

Are they afraid of Bears in Seattle? I don't think so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FARnbRBWKGg

Losing on the Cheaps

Edgar Allan Poes 30, Cheaps 7

The Doormat Division is 2-0 in predictions in the playoffs so far, with the Kansas City Cheaps turning in the kind of Doormat performance they were so fond of last year. The biggest pretenders in the playoffs (bigger than the SeaHags, in our opinion), the Cheaps can't even get 162 yards of offense against, admittedly, a stonewall of a defense. Or maybe that was just the frozen tundra they kept running into. Ouch! To the jacuzzi!

Listen up folks- any team that can turn in a 5 first down game in Week XIV, and get humiliated by their arch enemy the Raiders in the season finale- at home- is more than likely going to go for an encore in the playoffs (just like the Bungles did last year). This is almost a Doormat Axiom.

And they did an encore for the ages. 8 first downs! 1 TD, all done with one run. 1-8 on 3rd down. Quarterback rating of 20.4- a SEASON LOW for any quarterback in any game all year long, people. Wow! And the possession time of 18:06 is also the SEASON LOW. They only got off 40 plays , turned it over FIVE times, and made complete fools of themselves for the whole frozen turf of an afternoon at Arrow-thru-the-head Stadium. By the way, can any NFL quarterback look more unfazed and like he's got all the time in the world more than Joe Flacco? I haven't seen that kind of non-chalance since Joe Montana.

Cheaps fans must be wondering if the whole season was a mirage. Here's the skinny: IT WAS A MIRAGE, folks.

Seeya in the Doormat, next year, KC. You can have the Barcalounger.

The World's Biggest Upset- Doormat Style

Seahags 41, Aints 36

Seattle Seahags- Super Bowl bound

What can you say? Other than I should have bet the house?

The Seahags prove all the pundits, prognosticators, Vegas and sane people WRONG.

But not us! We apologize for not posting our predictions for the weekend- we forgot we had a doormat team in the playoffs.

But here's what we said last week- the Seahags will get to the NFC Championship game. We also said, 3 weeks ago, that whoever would eventually win the NFC Worst would make it to the NFC Championship game....and now we're ONE GAME AWAY.

Apologies to our Vegas followers, as we should have GUARANTEED Seattle beating the point spread. If you've been following us all year, you know this: The Saints played down to every single doormat team they met, including losing to the Brownies (got clobbered) and the Crudinals. The Crudinals are really terrible- they just play in the NFC Worst, so they ended up with 5 wins (but not a win over the Hags). A 14-point spread was ridiculous, especially when you recognize that the Hags play nearly competent football at home.

Turning in the game of his life, Matt Hasselbeck shreds the Saints all day long. Marshawn Lynch, who we pointed out in week XV has found new life in Seattle after losing the Nils ju-ju, actually delivers a running game. If the Hags get any kind of running game going, they win.

Hags win. Hags win! They STILL have a losing record! Woo-Hoo!! You have to call this the biggest playoff upset ever, because nobody with a losing record has ever won a playoff game. Toss in the Super Bowl champs, and you've got the perfect setup. Wow, we're drinking the whole keg of Hamm's and barbecuing....a meat-like substance on the grill.

The Doormat Division Marches On!!!!!!

Seahags the Team to Beat....literally

Hey we could have said this, but The Onion already did. Gotta love The Onion!

Seattle Coach Pete Carroll: Seahawks Only Need 3 Losses To Reach Super Bowl

http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/articles/seattle-coach-pete-carroll-seahawks-only-need-3-lo,18750/

Moldy Carpet Finalists!

We Have a Weiner!

NFC Doormat: CAROLINA PANSIES

AFC DOORMAT: DENVER DONKEY-BUNCOS

After careful consideration of the three way tie in the AFC Doormat, the Denver Donkey-Bink-Bunco-Dinky-Bonks have emerged as this year's AFC Champion. Our decision was based on an objective source's rating (pro-football-reference.com's SRS rating), which was the lowest next to Carolina, the incredible slide the Donks pulled from being 2-2 at one point, the complete disintegration of coaching, the losing to teams that were just as bad, and the interesting point that this is the worst season of all their 51 years in Denver. That, and the fact that I always kinda wanted the Raiders or Chargers or Chiefs to beat the stuffing out of them for some reason. So, it's on to:

TOILET BOWL 2011

Carolina Pansies vs. Denver Donkeys

Jan. 10th Kezar Stadium, San Francisco...get your plane tickets! Place your bets!

Doormat Division Final Wrap-up and Heave into the Ocean

It’s all over. 17 long weeks of head-banging, jumping offside, throwing passes on one or two skips, total confusion on 3^rd down, missed assignments, firings that came too late, and the next week that came too early, the 2011 Doormat Division Season has come to a close, with only 1 final decision to be made in the Toilet Bowl. Who is the CHAMP?

NFC CHAMPION

Carolina Pansies 2-14

The Pansies were hailed as the odds-on favorite at the beginning of the year, and never wavered, except for the two games against NFC Worst bumblers San Francisco and Arizona. They were perfect the rest of the way, and 2-14 is high quality Doormat credentials. We put up the Pansy wallpaper weeks ago, we were so confident of this team’s abilities…or lack of them. Compiling a 2-4 record against Doormat members (I still include Seattle, though they finished out of the standings), the Men of Teal finish the season in the same way they started it, getting pummeled. The Pansies cross the finish line last in points, last in offense, and first in the Doormat NFC. The Pansies score only 196, staying under 200, the yardstick for true futility. QB Jimmy Clausen nails down the lowest passer rating in the entire league, at 55.00001, which is impressive considering Derek Anderson started the first 12 games for Arizona. They also won the Punting Derby, coming in at 95 with 7 punts yestereday. The Lambs came on hard yesterday with 9 punts, but switched to turnovers late in the game, and could not find that elusive, and may I say very hard to get, 10^th punt (you see, the other team has to punt it BACK). They ended up with 94, tied for 2^nd with the Deadskins and Crudinals [Just to give perspective on that stat, the Chargers had the least punts at 56].

In their final contest, they scored just where you might expect a team of such lofty quality. A field goal on the first drive after half-time (what a motivator coach Fox is!), and scored their TD on the LAST PLAY OF THE GAME, when the Falcons are playing their 72^nd string and an assortment of inebriated fans.

Our hats are off to the pride of the NFC Doormat Division! Way to go Carolina, we thank you and your fans thank you. Should you have any. But, of course, YOU DO, and that’s why we’re here. To give some kind of award for this kind of organized bumbling, because it’s just too painful to take it seriously. Somebody give me an AMEN.

AFC CHAMPION

We have a THREE-WAY-TIE!!!!

Nils, Bungles, Donkey-Buncos all 4-12!!!

All three of these Gods of Godawful lost yesterday, with the Nils losing big, the Bungles nearly winning (look out!) and the Donkey-Buncs making it look closer than it actually was. Thank the stars that we have 4-12, because 5-11 is not impressive Doormat credentials. 4-12 is just barely cutting it.

Let’s ZOOM IN- but not too close- and figure out who is REALLY the worst.

Cincinnati Bungles

The Bungles lived up to their name yesterday, committing FIVE turnovers, completely nullifying the fact that they outgained the Ravens 2-1 and had the ball for 10 more minutes. “A fumble is better than a punt” axiom was inspired by this team and they brought it to the final crucial game, putting the spheroid on the carpet 3 times (along with a little mint on a pillow). The Bungles end the year 2-2 against Doormat opponents, which includes the Pansies.

Denver Donkey-Bunco-Dinky-Donks

Can you tell I’m enjoying this one? The Buncos finish with their WORST season in their entire franchise history, a lofty 51 years of orange pants, orange crush, orange teeth and mysterious orange stains on the…never mind. The Oakland Raiders got in a 59-14 beatdown, the worst defeat in Bronco history (yes, worse than the Super Bowl embarrassment, because it’s the RAIDERS). Yesterday the Donks staged a furious rally against the Chargers at the end of the game, nearly catching up (probably the best Futile Comeback of the season), but still put one in the L column. Problem is, it’s screwed up their points-for points-against chances against the Nils. Doormat record for the year- 2-3, including a win over Seahags and losses to Lambs and 0-4-9ers.

Buffalo Nils

The Nils just gave up yesterday, with QB Fitzpatrick out for the game, and improved their chances by losing 38-7 to the Jet’s 3^rd string, increasing the PF-PA spread that they already had the lead in, our #1 tiebreaker. The Nils had 162 total yards yesterday, 6 first downs, and their only TD was an INT runback. 4 interceptions. This is Run to the Moldy Carpet kind of play. The Nils Doormat record is shocking- 3-1. They actually played a lot of good teams, and lost three OT games.

Ok well, so WHAT? What about the whole season?

Following is a breakdown of their Futile comebacks (FC)and Come From Ahead losses (CFA),BLOWOUTS (BO), points-for/against, doormat record, and the ‘overall quality’ SRS rating devised by Pro-Football-Reference.com (a combination of points, offense-defense averages, strength of schedule and quality of post-game spread). For example, the Pansies have an SRS rating of -13.2. The Crudinals -12.7. The Patriots are +15.4.

Team FC CFA BO Drmat w-l pf-pa SRS

Bungles 5 4 2 2-2 322-395 (-73) -1.4

Nils 6 2 5 3-1 283-425 (-142) -4.6

Buncos 3 5 2 2-3 344- 471 (-127) -8.9

I apologize for these columns. this blog just can't handle it.

Nils, though not with the worst SRS rating, have 5 blowouts. I don’t know, The Buncos are looking pretty good, but I’m leaning towards the Nils, who hold the best point differential.

I need a shout-out to the Basement regulars here, to make the final decision.

SPECIAL 2010 HONORS

The 10 Club (10 losses gets you in, and God knows when you are getting out)

Welcome new members!

Cowpies 6-10

Yikings 6-10

0-4-9ers 6-10

Crudinals 5-11

Donkeys 4-12

Titanics 6-10

Texass-tons 6-10

And the usual gang

Kittens 6-10

Deadskins 6-10

Pansies 2-14

SWAN DIVE OF THE YEAR:

CLEVELAND BROWNIES

The Brownies had climbed up to 5-7 and then plummeted back to the frozen turf for 4 straight losses, including the Bungles and Nils, finishing 5-11 and almost in contention for the frikkin’ Moldy Carpet! Wow!

LIFTOFF OF THE YEAR

We’ve got two

Oakland Raiders

The team that started the year a total laughing stock finishes up with a huge beat down of the phonies of the playoffs, the Kansas City Chiefs, and though they didn’t make the playoffs , they made it to 8-8, and don’t even have a spot saved for them in the basement anymore.

Detroit Lions

Win 4 in a row and I don’t call you the Kittens anymore. As predicted, the Lions kick the Yikings all over the Kat Box in Detroit and finish with 4 wins in a row, completely completely unheard of in Detroit. I really have no idea the last it was they did this. It has to go back a LOOOOOOONG ways. We still have a spot saved for the Lions, though, because they still got the 10 losses, and, well, they ARE the Lions. Wait ‘til next year to say Adios Bro-Cha-Chos!!

RIDICULOUS FRANCHISE OF THE YEAR

San Francisco 0-4-9ers

From not knowing when to fire Mike Singletary (last year?) to not having a GM, to having a 28-year old run the team for the worst family operation since Eddie D had to give up the reins.....I'm sure there's competition out there, but I'm going with what I know intimately. Nobody could be doing it any stupider.

Final Note From Wacko

Remember, you known and unknown readers out there, we write about the worst of the worst because it used to be our teams that were the worst…and some of them STILL ARE. We actually do LIKE it when one of these teams gets off the mat and starts winning. That’s the whole allure of sports- that someday your guys are going to put it together and storm into the Super Bowl and knock over everybody’s guacamole and end somebody elses’ season on a sour note. After all, the Pansies WERE in the Super Bowl not too long ago. As a 49er fan, it seems like a thousand years now. As a Lion fan, as Walkfish is, it’s been since 1957. He wasn’t even born yet. Some day, bro.

This has been a fabulous year to write about the Doormat, the competition has been stiff, keen, and terrible. Yes, we skewer everybody, but remember, we’re down here in the basement, waiting for one of these bumbling losers to turn it around, and believe me, we’ll be the first to recognize it. You don’t know who is really a winner until you understand the losers, because it’s extremely hard to succeed in NFL football. Almost every play is a failure, since most of them are designed, in the best possible outcome, to go for a TD. The variables are so many, the small- and huge- mistakes, it all adds up to having the odds stacked against you. The fact that anything goes RIGHT is pretty damned amazing. So, remember that when you throw your remote at the TV…for the 357^th time and swear you’ll never watch them again. Get off your ass, get out the stadium, and REALLY BOO. Finally, I'd like to say it is a pleasure and an honor to huddle up in the broom closet, flick on the space heater, fire up the Commodore-64 and freeze my ass off while typing up this review each week. Thanks to all and to my Basement brethren. We made it through another year. and we gained a possum.

Cheers, and thank you for reading-

Wacko

aaaaAAAAAAAND That’s the View from the BASEMENT!!

Doormat Division Week XVII NFC WORST Special Edition

Doormat Division Weak XVII Special NFC WORST Edition

We gathered in the Basement tonight, we tapped the keg of Hamm’s, fished the 15lb bag of chips out of the possum nest and settled down before the Zenith to watch the Seattle Seahags and the St. Louis Lambs attempt to bring home the playoff bacon to the NFC Worst. In the balance was the first time-ever opportunity for a team to make the playoffs with a LOSING RECORD.

And, in a style that can only be appreciated from the Doormat side of the NFL, they DELIVERED. The Seattle SeaHags have done it. 7-9 and headed to a terrible beat-down at the hands of an actual winning team next week, the Hags stumble into the playoffs. But who cares about that? Let’s savor this game. This moment may never come this way again, sports fans.

SeaHags 16, Lambs 6

Now that the laughter has died down, let’s take a closer look at this contest.

First of all, this game is the STIFF OF THE WEEK. Amazing, huh? Playoffs dangling there, but these teams can still cough up a stinker.

NFL bust back-up starting? Yes! League worst rushing attack here? Aye! The Hags brought a lot of bad to the field in this game, but they were up against a team that knows how. In a game like this, you only need one touchdown. So, after kicking off, the Lambs open up the passing lanes and Hags QB Charlie Whitehurst earns his $10 million dollars in the first 4 minutes of the game, finding receivers so open, that they couldn’t help but catch the ball….as long as they’re not playing for the Lambs. 7-0, Hags.

But wait! There’s 3 ½ more quarters to play. The game is not over (though, actually, it was). Needing to score a touchdown, possibly the most intimidating task in all of football, the Lambs respond by starting a punt fest, and the Hags and Lambs squeeze in 6 punts by the end of the quarter. That’s 7 changes of possession in 11:30. It’s like tennis.

2^nd quarter

Lambs finally get their offense in gear, move down the field, but are frightened by the looming goal line, and settle for a field goal. 7-3, Hags. 4 more punts and both teams retire to the locker rooms, where the Lambs make a crucial halftime adjustment. They brought out the deadly Dink and Drop offense. Watch it work its magic.

3^rd quarter

The Hags know that Doormat axiom, though: a fumble is better than a punt. Boom! Hags hand over the ball on their own 28 on the next play from scrimmage. Ha! Try and not score.

Lambs dink and drop a little, inch closer, but freak out again, kick another field goal, and beat a hasty retreat to the sideline heaters. 7-6 Hags. Still safely behind. Hags respond by running the ball, a surefire way to set up a nice punt, but the Lambs are ready, and guide Seattle down the field- Hags chip in another 3 points in this game of Football Lowball. 10-6 Hags.

Lambs respond by dropping two perfectly thrown balls, one a bomb, by Sam Bradford.

Punt!

4^th Quarter

At this point, the bumbling goes into high high gear.

1. Seahag coach Carroll calls a timeout by not calling a time out, and gets charged for a timeout before a punt. Nice. Since you are playing a team trying to out-doormat you, you will probably get away with it. Lambs respond promptly with the dink, drop and punt, and Hags somehow get downfield again, kicking another FG.

Hags 13-6. This is a HUGE lead.

2. The Lambs start dropping everything Sam Bradford throws, especially the ones that hit them right in the numbers. ow!

3. Lambs, needing to get off a play before a challenge is made by the Hags (on a dropped pass, of course), get a delay of game! Hags fail to throw red flag anyway.

4. Bradford, desperate to find somebody who can catch a pass, gives up and throws to the Hags. INT at 8:42 of the game. SeaHags take the ball and start the longest drive of the game, an assortment of 4-yard gains that St. Louis had no answer for (the answer is ‘defense’).

5. the Refs get into the doormat act, totally blowing a placement on 3 and 1, giving Seattle a 1^st down. Nobody for the Lambs objects. We know what they want.

6. Lambs hold, Seattle lines up 45-yard FG, and….Lambs jump offside! First down, Seattle.

7. Lambs let way too much time go off clock, Hags work it down to 1:41, kick the final points of the regular season through the goal posts, and achieve DOORMAT IMMORTALITY.

16-6, SeaHags.

16 punts total.

Lambs: 184 total yards, 10 first downs, 2-14 on third down. 0-2 in the red zone (Hags 1-4). And to think, these guys almost won the division.

This game was played cellar style, Doormat All-Star style. But, to be honest, not surprisingly the team that is still standing in the NFC Worst, as bad as they may be, is coached by Pete Carroll, the guy I loved to hate at USC. The playoffs are here, and this guy’s team, bumbling and all, is still playing. We here in the Doormat Basement have predicted, in a fit of hilarity, that the NFC West champ will advance to the NFC Championship. But…Charlie Whitehurst is not Kurt Warner. Still, I’m not writing them off. They are the pride of the Doormat division tonight.

You CAN win for losing tonight!